how do lesbians feel about bisexual women?

[Visitor]

hello all,

i hope i don't get majorly flamed for asking that question here... and i'll understand if a moderator thinks it's inappropriate and wants to delete it.

i'm bisexual and in my late 30's, but i've never dated women... haven't dated men much either. i would love to go to a lesbian bar that i heard about locally & hopefully meet more lesbian and bisexual women, but i'm scared. i just don't know how lesbians in general feel about bisexual women... and i don't know how they would feel about me on their 'turf'.

i've only recently accepted the reality that i'm bisexual and have not come out to most of my family or friends.

(btw, i LOVE BTVS and accessed this site through another BTVS board... also love Willow and Tara and all the discussion here about them! i haven't registered yet, but probably will soon under another name, obviously.)

i hope you don't mind my asking this here. the BTVS fans that i've gotten to know online so far are so intelligent and nice as a group that i was hoping that i would find the same here.

ok, i want to apologize. i tried to edit but of course since i'm not registered...
anyway, i asked my question in a really dumb way. what i should have asked is, "How do you feel about bisexuality?" i know no individual can speak for others and i'm sorry i asked my question in such a dorky way!

anyhow, no responses from you yet, but i'm waiting patiently. again, really sorry if this offends anyone. not trying to pick anyone up, honest!

thanks,

Visitor

[This message has been edited by WillTara (edited March 09, 2002).]

[LBJM]

I'm a guy..and I don't think any different of a girl if shes bi.. if I liked her it wouldnt change a thing for me. I generally like women for who they are not what their not, if I think shes smart and beautiful her being bi doesnt change a thing.
LBJM

of course I'm not lesbian.. that kinda kills my answer lol damn I'm a blockhead lol
LBJM

[This message has been edited by WillTara (edited March 09, 2002).]

[shellybean]

I'm a bisexual girl too but haven't yet hit the age of 20. I'm almost there, but not quite. I personally haven't encountered any hostility or anything towards me from lesbians because I'm bisexual rather than fully gay. I think it depends though because bisexual is a really broad term. A girl could label herself bisexual because she kisses girls every once in a while, where as another girl could label herself bisexual and is pretty much only attracted to women but sometimes dates guys. that's pretty much me. I prefer women but won't not go out with a guy. Sometimes I do just call myself gay or a lesbian because its easier. I know I didn't answer your question and probably created more but that's just my input.

[april]

how do lesbians feel about bisexuals?

i'm sure they like to feel them all over.

okay, sorry. i think i've lost my mind...

[willow's girl]

Oh my god April you crack me up!
I'm bi too, of the "pretty much attacted to girls but will go out with a guy" variety. I have only really recieved hostility from homophobics, who obviously wouldn't like me any better if I were a lesbian. All the lesbians and gay men I have met have been cool with it. Yay for them.

[This message has been edited by willow's girl (edited March 11, 2002).]

[WiccansIllusion]

I think the main reality with the lesbian/bisexual conflict ( If there is any )
Are that some lesbians have the tendancy to feel that if your gay, your gay and if your straight your straight, without much inbetween. I think some see bisexuals as just confused and need to figure things out. I'm not saying thats me, just that some lesbian's get a little miffed at women who call themselves lesbians but then go and sleep with a guy. The whole gender labeling drives me a little crazy sometimes.

[dusty]

Well, during the year-and-a-half or so I IDed as a lesbian, I didn't have a problem with bisexual women at all. The only reason I might have felt just slightly weird dating one was not because I thought she would leave me for a man, but just because her attraction to men would have been something that I couldn't share with her, if that makes any sense. But now I ID as bisexual myself...so I don't know that that was much help.

[willow-phile]

To anyone who is open-minded, labels don't matter...

In which case, I would tend to agree with april...

------------------
"I'll always find you..."

[Still Waters Run Deep]

How do lesbians think of bi's?

Probably the same way as they they/we/us think of everyone...as people...likes/dislikes/hates/loves..the full works.

Mind you like LBJM I'm a guy so p'rhaps I'm not qualified to answer.
No damit..I am qualified. How do I feel about gays? They're great! They're shits! They're just another part of life's rich tapestry! And if I, a straight guy, goes into a gay bar and gets grief because I'm straight, then those people have committed the same biased thinking as the gay-haters.

The point is, its the person you have to like or dislike, not the label.

------------------
love and kisses

Still Waters Run Deep

*Hands! Hands in new places!*

[Pixie-Muso]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Still Waters Run Deep:

The point is, its the person you have to like or dislike, not the label.

---

Totally have to agree with you there SWRD.

LMAO @ April! I'd say that you may have a very valid point there! lol

I'm not too sure what lesbians think about bisexual women. I guess I'm in that category where 'I like women better, but wouldn't say no to a guy', but technically, I'm not out 'out'. Well, I'm out - but only with a few close friends - so I haven't exactly encountered any lesbian hostility. Nor have I encountered any homophobic biggotry - not personally anyway - just the second hand discussion stuff where people pay out homosexuality not knowing that I'm more of the gay-persuasion than the straight. Ah well, I don't know if I've helped in anyway, it's more likely that I haven't than have.

Sorry for the rant.

------------------
"...the hardest thing in this world is to live in it..."
~Buffy, The Gift.quote:

[La]

Well, I'm a lesbian who identified as bi for almost 3 years before realizing that as much as i might think certain men were attractive, i just didn't want to be having romantic relationships with them. So I think bi women are wonderful and I wouldn't have any qualms with having a relationship with one. But everyone's different and that's just me. When I was identifying as bi, I never had any lesbians becoming disinterested once they discovered I was bi (of course, this was while I was going to a very liberal college ...)

Just be yourself, be honest, that's what's most important. I'm attracted to the person, not to their sexuality (which can be quite the issue when I find myself attracted to a straight women, darn it )

~La

[ellenfan]

Personally, I don´t have any problems with someone who says he/she is bisexual.
Unfortunately, I have met quite a number of lesbians who think little of bisexual women.
The problem is that there are a number of women who label themselves bisexual to have an excuse to be in a relationship with a guy, because that´s where they feel safe, and then have affairs with girls at the same time. That usually leads to the girls being left heartbroken, and that´s why bisexual women have a bad reputation, at least in my circle of friends. I know that´s just a prejudice, and I try to fight it, but it still exists.
There are other reasons that I´ve been given for being against dating a bisexual woman, and they are usually really stupid and no valid reasons at all, but they could still lead to lesbians being suspicious of you.

Anyway, that´s just my experience, and I hope that´s not true where you come from, Visitor. I´d say just give it a try and go to that bar and see for yourself what it´s like. Good luck!

------------------
„For this, we should all erect little shrines to the goddess Ellen and burn lavender incense. Network TV finally has gays and lesbians on its radar.“ Joyce Millman, Salon.com, May 2000

"Nobody messes with my girl!" Tara in Bargaining Part 2

[Thanatopsis]

People are people. Labels are silly. Its the actual person that matters, not what they consider themselves to be. I know that's terribly optimistic, but as a lesbian I'd date a bi woman if I found her attractive and interesting.

------------------
Kind of an unusual name. There's hardly any except Warren Beatty and, you know, President Harding. It's probably not either of them. -Willow in IWMTLY

"Is there any holiday that's not about getting laid?"
"Arborday."
-Fear Itself

[Visitor]

you know, when i didn't get any replies right away, i was like well gee i guess that answers my question!!! you hate me!!!

but you've all been really sweet and respectful with your responses, and i very much appreciate that. i know a couple of gay women, but haven't gotten the nerve up to ask them, so this has been really helpful!

i think another thing that makes me hesitate about dating women is that i have this feeling that for the long haul, that 'permanent' spousal type arrangement, i'm going to want that male energy in my life, but i don't know that for sure. i could see myself falling madly in love with a woman, and i've been around long enough to know how rare that soul to soul connection is. the next time it comes around (if there is one!), i will definitely cherish it for the gift it is and not let him OR her get away without a fight!

i'm just kind of afraid that i'll date some woman and after awhile be like, well, that was fun, thanks! then want a man for the more serious stuff--and i'm just so afraid of hurting someone like that. i don't want to do an Anne Heche, you know what i mean?

as long as you guys are being so sweet and i'm being so gloriously anonymous, i'll admit that i'm a virgin. yes, late 30's and a virgin--yippee!!! and truthfully, while i certainly find men attractive and have been in love with scores of them (from varying degrees of distance), the idea of having sex with them is kind of, i don't know... intimidating? whereas the idea of making out and making love with a woman just sounds fabulous, easy, natural, and very exciting.

i've only made out with a couple of guys, and it was ok. they last one was in such a rush--it was fun, but looking back now, i just feel like yuck, and really glad all we did was kiss, and get a little touchy feely. then again, i wasn't in love with either of them. when the men or the one woman i've been in love with have touched me, it's been a whole different ballgame.

so there's another bit of info about me. so what do you think now? should i come out of my shell? is it ok to experiment and date women even if i don't know which gender will ultimately bring me my dream spouse, or which gender i will ultimately prefer? or am i a bad person if i do that and should therefore continue the meaningful relationship i've been having with various mechanical objects?

thanks again!

Visitor

[MAJIK]

I hate labels,but I guess you could say I've spent most of my life as a lesbian, who is in fact bi-sexual! Some of my lesbian friends don't get it, but for me, I find people attractive regardless of what sex they happen to be. You have to do what feels right for you, don't worry what other people think.

------------------
WILLOW-
'So hard to believe such a hot mama yama came from humble geek-infested roots.'

[Bobo's Mom]

I wouldn't go into any relationship with the idea of "Just playing around" or "This will be forever"...such preconcieved notions will limit the experience. Case in point, my first g/f, on the sexuality scale, is more of a pure lesbian than me. However, she met the love of her life, who is male, and is now happily married with children, and a big Bisexual Activist. She still politically, emotionally, and intellectually identifies with the lesbian part of herself, and her husband is cool with that.

Labels are tricky things; almost as dangerous as preconcieved notions. I would encourage you to look at the person, and not the gender, or the future, when deciding if you wish to be in a romantic relationship.

------------------
TARA: Willow and I always know how to find each other!
ANYA: With yoga?
****************
BUFFYBOT: That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!

[ellenfan]

Well, this really turns out to be quite an interesting thread.

Visitor, I agree with the ones that say that it´s never nice to get into a relationship when you know you´re just playing around. That doesn´t mean you have to wait until you are 100% sure that you want to be with someone for the rest of your life before you get involved with him/her. What is important is that you feel like you want to be with that person, and that you are always honest.

Also, you have to remember that you usually have to kiss a lot of frogs first until you find the one who turns out to be your prince - or you princess. I wouldn´t necessarily call that experimenting - if so, I think we are all guilty of that. I for one had to kiss some guys before I found out that kissing girls is just much more exciting, and feels so much better. But that doesn´t mean I rule out men completely - there might be one that is my soulmate, even if I can´t imagine that now.

IMO, what is important is that you are open to whatever happens. And if there´s someone you really like, and who likes you, and it feels right to be with the person, then just go for it. Even if you haven´t made the decision yet which gender will bring you the person of your dreams. Because, honestly, life is full of surprises, and you can never be sure.

Good luck!

------------------
„For this, we should all erect little shrines to the goddess Ellen and burn lavender incense. Network TV finally has gays and lesbians on its radar.“ Joyce Millman, Salon.com, May 2000

"Nobody messes with my girl!" Tara in Bargaining Part 2

[TotalImmortal]

I dont think someone who is a lesbian would have a problem with some one who is bi, i know i dont, The way I feel is that if you like someone go for it.

------------------
my site - http://www.geocities.com/alwayswillandtara/main.html

[Shadow_Willow]

I thought i was bi for a while. C i av dated n ad sex with guys, but never felt right, av always knew i liked girls. I came out as bein bi, n then i got with my girlie, n ad this big talk with my mum about it all. N i realised i only went out with guys to hide my sexuality n try n fit in n be 'normal', Im not really attracted to them n to be honist av never really bin turned on by them, or enjoyed avn sex with em.
After my whole 'realisation' im now v comfortable with my sexuality, n couldnt be happier. I love my girlie to bits n could never imagin bein with out her.
But thats all by the by (av bin sayin that alot just laightly, lol) I have, n know lesbian i know has any probs with bi peeps, u guys ge the best of both worlds right (but in my oppinion the girlie would is so much better)
N as for the whole 'you bein a virgin' thing, so what!! Just cos yo havent felt comfortable enough with any 1 to av sex with em, go you!! You havent given in to peer pressure like well me, so i admire you for it.
i just hope u can find some 1 who makes you happy, cos at the end of the day thats what its all about, bein happy n makin some 1 you love happy.
Good look girlie

Shadow Willow

[This message has been edited by Shadow_Willow (edited March 10, 2002).]

[Visitor]

so, basically, the consensus is that as long as i approach things honestly and am open about where i'm at, then i won't be burned in effagy by the lesbian community at large?

i SO appreciate everyone's insights--thank you all very much.

i think where i'm really at is that having dated and known quite a few men (more known than dated, of course), i'd like to see how i feel about dating women. it's one thing to fantasize, but quite another to have a real person there to relate to both physically and emotionally. my inclination is that i will ultimately want to be with a man, but on the other hand, i can't see myself turning my back on my true soulmate if she happens to be a woman. i could see myself saying, "oh well!" and being grateful that we found each other.

it's more than experimentation for me, because i don't just want to have sex with women (like the 'bicurious' i see online all the time), i want to see what it's like to relate to other women romantically... partly to find out if i prefer that, but moreso to explore that aspect of the person i am, something i've never allowed myself to do before.

so again thanks to all for your insights and advice, and for not telling me to sod off! i do feel a bit old to be going through this crisis, but better late than never, i suppose!

Visitor

[Enigmatic]

It seems to me that you think too much. It's okay to be with others, before you find your soulmate. If you don't, if you think too much about everything and that stops you from trying, then you will end up, old and grey, regretting that you never tried!
So Carpe Diem...Seize the day...find your soulmate!

[Walker]

I'm with everyone else. You should go to this bar and check out the ladies. If someone has an attitude about you being bisexual chances are they are not the type of person you would want to date anyway. Oh, and take a friend to the bar. It'll be more fun and you won't be as nervous. First time I went to a gay bar I found it hard to get talking to anyone and I'm from Glasgow. You can't catch a bus without someone telling you their life story. Go have fun.

[fran1727]

I'm very much a lesbian, and always have been. When I first got with my girlfriend (the previously posting Shadow Willow, hey baby!) she said she was bi. Which was so immensely not a problem for me at all. I still loved her, and she loved me, so it didn't matter. As she said she now rates herself as a lesbian. And as long as she's happy and comfortable with herself it's not important, all I want is for her to be okay, if this means her deciding she's straight then that's cool too!

And about long term worries, I think that if a relationship with either a guy or a woman doesn't work out then the hurt is going to be pretty equal. As long as you go into a relationship with the best of intentions, which it seems you have, then no-one can claim you were 'experimenting' or anything like that.

Of course you have to watch out for other people's feelings, but this is your life. You have to do what you have to do. It'll work out. Good luck!

[tommo]

I believe in labels. Mine is "dry clean only".

------------------
You know I've been through hell...Joss can't you see, there'll be nothing left of me. You made me believe...

[Enigmatic]

I'm glad to see that you are still able to joke, Ruth!

[Zahir]

Unfortunately, Visitor, lesbians are exactly as prone to prejudice as the rest of the human race. I know some of my bi friends have been insulted and hurt by lesbians calling them "fence-sitters" and "can't make up their mind" or being told upfront "there's no such thing as a bisexual."

On the other hand (and as I told my friend) lots of folks are also really nice. In any group a few people are loudly obnoxious but they're mostly the minority. Most straight people, for example, don't think go around making signs that say "GOD HATES FAGS" and a fair number of us actively support gay rights.

Which is a long-winded way of saying don't be afraid that people will hurt you. Some will, but its a small price to pay for friends, for love, for companionship, and for a surcease to loneliness (not to mention the hope of finding your own Soulmate).

Good luck!

------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam

[Anne]

I think some lesbians used to have problems with the whole 'can't they make up their damn minds!' approach, but it is definitely less so now. You just reach out to someone that you make a connection with and if it works, then that's great. If it doesn't, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, remember the good times and move on a little more experienced! Hell, my last girlfriend was actually straight, but the feeling that existed between us was so strong, we both worked our way through the initial problems and had a long and loving relationship. My point being, forget about the labels, because more and more people are doing the same.

[Mara]

Personally, it doesn't make a difference at all if I date a lesbian os a bissexual girl. I've been in love with a bissexual girl.

All that matters to me, when I love a girl, is that she loves me too... which didn't happen 'til, now, but thats beside the point.

Anyway: that's my view on things.

------

I just know, before all this is over I'm gonna need some serious therapy.... look at my eye twichin' *twitch* *twitch* - Donkey in 'Shrek'

[Banshee]

Last night my gf said, "Looks like 'lesbian chiche' is back. You know what this means, right? More bi-girls.. and then they'll go back to men when the trend is over again." Mind you, she's wholeheartedly bisexual herself and loves to joke about it.
Is there bitterness in the lesbian community about bisexuals? You betcha ya. Am I one of those 'bitter dykes'.. yuppers. Do I take that into consideration when I choose to/not date a bisexual woman? No. Why? Because I just don't.
An ex of mine has been dating this guy for a year and she has marveled at the differences between dating men/women. One reoccurring theme she has brought up is how comfortable she feels being out w/him and not having to check the surroundings before holding his hand. That, my friends, is why a lot of lesbians don't like bisexual women. If they so wish they can take advantage of 'heterosexual priviledge' and we can't.
I can remember dating this girl and being told that she was really just a 'L.U.G'--"lesbian until graduation". Which pretty much means, she could mess around w/women until she was forced to move on into 'the adult world' where queerness isn't really accepted.
Is it a personal thing against the bisexual? No..it's more of a reaction to society in general where, most of the time, that reaction is directed at that bisexual person. It's easier to voice a distaste for someone within a culture/society(heterosexual) then it is to change that culture/society.
It can also just come down to the persons own insecurities. I can say,in my case, I left a bf of 4 years to be with women and I have the insecure feeling that karma will rear it's face and I'll be left for a man..
But, as stated before by people, I think that's changing. Personally, I'm losing those insecurities and I'm getting better about my feelings about bisexual women.
Hell, in the end, I know they'll eventually end up lesbian anyway

-s

------------------
"Believe me I don't want to go,
And it'll grieve me 'cause I love you so
But we both know..."

[Xanadu]

quote:

---

Originally posted by april:
how do lesbians feel about bisexuals?

i'm sure they like to feel them all over.

---

mmm...anyone else just go to a yummy visual place? Thanks for that, April

[This message has been edited by Xanadu (edited March 10, 2002).]quote: