by Starbert » Sun Oct 28, 2001 11:07 pm
by xita » Sun Oct 28, 2001 11:11 pm
by Eyes Without A Face » Sun Oct 28, 2001 11:18 pm
[This message has been edited by Eyes Without A Face (edited October 29, 2001).]
by BBOvenGuy » Sun Oct 28, 2001 11:38 pm
by fell » Sun Oct 28, 2001 11:43 pm
by BBOvenGuy » Mon Oct 29, 2001 12:29 am
http://home.mindspring.com/~bbovenguy/WTSounds.html
Email me. We'll talk.
by Kiwiccan » Mon Oct 29, 2001 1:28 am
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Paula
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Amber FanGirl #1a; May the Amber Force be with you.
Keeper of my own insanity
"I love being a girl, having a girl.." ~as sung by Amber Benson in the UK
by WiccanBex » Mon Oct 29, 2001 2:16 am
i was happily listening to Amber doing her thing (thanks muchly to Xita)... when my computer decided to shut itself down without warning me first!
i think it's psychic or something because i was running late for this horrid thing called school... and staying online any longer woulda made me *really* late... but i really wanted to listen to the end of the conversation with the "former juvenile sex offender"...
oh well...
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"if you throw a stone, something's gonna shatter somewhere. We're all so fragile, we're all so scared."
nocturnal review site
by Starbert » Mon Oct 29, 2001 3:14 am
There might be a chance that she will be on the Kevin & Bean show in the morning also. Usually when a guest appears on Loveline, they will also do the morning show the next day. This isn't always the case, so don't quote me on that. In the event that she does show up, it will usually be for a very brief amount of time, like 15-20 minutes.
Sorry, but as far as I know, KROQ does not post any part of their shows online. In the future they might do online audio streams but nothing concrete yet. They said to try Napster. There have occasionally been short clips of Loveline available for downloading.
The "former juvenile sex offender" was advised to tell his girlfriend about his past and should continue treatment. They also thought that his girlfriend might have some issues, but they didn't get into that.
Perhaps a moderator could change the topic of this post since she is no longer on the air. Might become confusing.
by Dumbsaint » Mon Oct 29, 2001 11:58 am
Adam: It’s a nice sweetening of it. You know, it’s like, here’s my problem, I’m too smart.
(Amber laughage in background)
Drew: I think too much. Yeah.
Adam: You know what it’s like? It’s like your taste buds being so developed that everything takes like crap. Instead it’s just like being numb in the mouth.
Amber: Hmmm…
Adam: It’s a good twist. It’s a good angle.
Drew: It’s like the way a dog smell is, that’s why dogs start smelling poo. Comes all around smelling like roses.
Adam: Right. Did you publicist come up with that? Too great a thinker to be smart?
Drew: But listen, for Brandy (the caller) as just sort of a basic book, there’s a book called The Search for the Real Self by a guy named Masterson, it’s pretty good to start with.
Adam: Okay, so she can’t afford therapy, she got molested, she had the retarded brother, just walking in on mom-
Drew: Yeah, this is trauma survival…
Amber: Handicapped.
Drew: Another good one for her would be The Drama of the Gifted Child , ‘cause I’m sure she was the caretaker of the family, too.
Adam: Alright. Lee?
Lee (Caller): Hi.
Adam: Hey, you’re 27.
Lee: Hey, Amber, would you go out with me?
(She’s really amused at this and laughs loudly- so cutely goofy)
Adam: Yes.
Amber: Thanks, Adam. Man, you’re making my love life just sing.
Adam: What do you for- uh, you’re single, right?
Amber: Um…
Adam: Got a boyfriend?
Drew: Lee, are you a lesbian?
Amber: (chuckly ironic snort kinda thing) ‘Am I a lesbian.’
Drew: No, Lee.
Amber: Oh!
Adam: Lee’s a good lesbian name. I think the best.
Lee: No, no.
Amber: Lee’s a guy. (laughs)
Drew: Oh.
Adam: Oh. She only dates lesbians.
Amber: (laughing) No, no! Stop it! Nah, you know- um, um, I’m not seriously dating anybody at the moment, but…
Adam: So, what are your qualifications, Lee?
Lee: Well, I’m a nice guy, I’m intelligent. And like you, Adam, I have a pristine penis, so…
(Amber chuckles)
Adam: Nice.
Lee: We’d work great together.
Drew: No, Adam has a stunt penis.
(Amber guffaw)
Adam: Well, what do you do for a living?
Lee: I’m a software engineer.
Adam: Ooh, that could be worth something. And what do you do, do you make good money?
Lee: Yeah. I make- to the tune of 60K a year.
Adam: To the tune of 60K a year. Which is, you know, nothing to a big actress.
Amber: He’s got a nice voice, though.
Adam: Yeah, and he’s confident. I like that in a man. Ah, you live in the Pasadena area?
Lee: Yep.
Adam: Mhmm, not too far out. And you’re 27 years old?
Lee: Yeah.
Adam: What do you look like? Describe yourself physically.
Lee: Um, about 6’2’’, I have… long hair.
Adam: Uh oh. What’s up with the long hair?
Amber: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute… you’ve got long hair…
Lee: Yeah.
Adam: Do you like long hair?
Lee: I’d cut it for you, Amber.
Amber: Have I ever gotten a letter from you?
Lee: Um, yes you did, in fact. I offered to be your chauffer.
Amber: (yellin’) Ooohhh my god, I knew it! I knew it! Oh my god. You were the talk of like, the Buffy production office.
Lee: Oh, really?
Amber: Oh yes, I showed everybody those pictures. (laughs)
Adam: What pictures?
Adam: What pictures?
Lee: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Amber: (laughing) You should see the look on Dr. Drew’s face.
Adam: What pictures? What pictures?
Lee: I sent Amber pictures of me, and my car, and offered to be her chauffer on the show, that she doesn’t drive.
Amber: He’s cute! He’s very sweet.
Adam: What kind of car do you drive?
Lee: Old Mercedes.
Amber: He said he’d paint it blue for me.
Adam: Nice.
Amber: And he sent me pictures of stuffed animals.
Drew: Pasadena’s actually not too far from here, you could come down here tonight.
Adam: Hold on a second. Hold on a second, retard. Now you’re really not thinking. The guy is taking pictures of stuffed animals? Isn’t that a little twisted? A 27 year old man? (to Amber) Do you like stuffed animals?
(Amber is laughing in the background)
Amber: I’ve gone beyond… the stuffed animal… phase of my life.
Adam: You’ve outgrown the stuffed animals?
Amber: I- I am, kinda, dating somebody, so I don’t think he would look too- I mean, it’s not serious, but like, you know, I’m, like, you know- it’s heading in that direction.
Adam: Serious direction.
Amber: Yeah.
Adam: Why, are you pregnant?
Amber: (feigning ) How did you know? God, do I-? can you-? (drops act) No, I’m not.
Adam: I can smell it on a woman.
Amber: No, I’m not. It would be the immaculate conception at this point.
Adam: Oh, really? Jesus Christ. Well, you live with your mom, what’re you gonna do?
(Amber cracks up laughing)
Adam: Lee? Sorry, buddy. You just find yourself a nice nerdy chick that lives around JPL (?) there.
Amber: No, he’s very cute! He’s very cute.
Adam: No, I’m not saying he’s not, I’m saying he needs a nice nerdy chick.
Amber: (she says something kinda unintelligible about him needing someone nice and not being psychotic)
Adam: Alright, Lee, don’t do anything stupid, you know?
Lee: Ah, okay.
Adam: Don’t like, kill a bird and take a picture of it.
Amber. No! It was very cute, very sweet.
Adam: Where do people get that energy? D’you know what I mean?
Drew: To send pictures and stuff?
Adam: Just to do anything.
Drew: Adam, please. I’m a- soulmate of yours, as far as that is concerned. That’s… we’re just waiting to die, you and I.
(Amber chuckles)
Adam: Yeah, we’d like to be left alone until we die.
Drew. Yeah.
Adam: Then, uh… send all the pictures you like.
Amber: I knew it was him! I just had this feeling, except Pasadena- I was like, wait a minute…
Adam: Well, how long ago did he send these pictures?
Amber: This was pretty recently. Well, he probably sent them a while ago. I just got them. So…
Drew: Why are they the talk of the production office?
Amber: ‘Cause I was upstairs and I got my mail and I opened it and I was like, ‘Oh my god, oh my god, this guy offered to be my chauffer.’ And I read the letter, and everybody was like, ‘Oh, that’s so cute, ha ha ha!’ and they actually have some of the stuffed animal pictures up in the production office.
(Someone starts playing creepy stabby killer type “reeeee reeee reeee!” music.)
Adam: Taking pictures of stuff- did you announce that you are into stuffed animals?
Amber: N-no, but everybody was talking- I guess, there’s something called a ‘plushy’? Who likes to have- (breaks of giggling) sex with stuffed animals. (laughing)
Drew: Oh, yeah- is he one of those?
Adam: Oh, is that what a plushy is?
Amber: Oh, no, no I don’t think so but at the office, obviously, they go right to that. ‘Oh, is he a plushy?!’ I’m like, I don’t think so. You know, I think it was just to show that- he was nice. Although I was very offended because he had a picture of himself next to a poster of Alyson Hannigan who plays my girlfriend.
Adam: Oh, that is such BS.
Amber: But he said there was no poster of me, so…
Adam: They gotta come out with one.
Amber: I would die if there was a poster of me.
Drew: He wants to be in Alyson’s place.
Amber: Probably. Probably.
Adam: Hey, Sid?
Sid (Caller): Yeah.
Adam: What’s up?
Sid: Not much. Bad times, man.
Adam: Yeah, Bad times? What’s the matter?
Sid: Yeah. Well, uh… I dunno-
Drew: Your name’s Sid.
Sid: Yeah, uh, a question for Dr. Drew really. Yeah.
Drew: Yeah.
Sid: I dunno, kinda, no one really came to me and told me, but- just small drops and hints from people and, uh, stuff I’ve come to realize that I’ve got halitosis, which is, you know, horrible horrible bad breath.
Amber: Mhmm.
Sid: You know, you can smell you from here for a mile.
Drew: Alright, so… there’s a lot of things you can do to try to help that, right?
Sid: Alright, so far I’ve gone to the local drug store and bought the expensive, you know, the good mouthwash. They do absolutely nothing.
Drew: Have you gone to the dentist to make sure you don’t have any bacteria?
Sid: Well, I do- I-
(Someone plays some sound cue of someone stuttering, how mean)
Sid: I wake up- I wake up in the morning and I have a later of white, I dunno, gross stuff all over my tongue that takes me about 45 minutes of scraping with the tongue scraper to get it off of my tongue, and then that only lasts for about an hour.
Amber: Maybe with the stomach or something?
Drew: It could be a lot of things. Have you seen the dentist?
Sid: Well, I- the last time I went to the dentist was just for finding out about it, and I was kinda nervous about it, and I just said something to her, as I was going out, I didn’t make a big deal out of it, I said, ‘Well, how do you take care of bad breath?’ and she said ‘Well, just brush your teeth real good.’
Drew: No, you need to go back.
Amber: Mhmm.
Drew: There are actually- the majority of the really bad (something?) breath problems is bacteria that grows at the back of the tongue. And there’s special brushes they can give you, and to measure the (?). There’s reflux from the stomach, that might be from whatever you’re eating.
Amber: Uh huh.
Drew: You might want to keep your diet kind of bland. There’s-
Adam: What, you should just eat chalk?
Amber: Jell-o.
Drew: And, uh, shredded wheat.
Adam: Charcoal and plain yogurt?
Drew: And then there’s uh- your mouth… hygiene, to make sure there’s not any bacterial growth in there that could be causing bad smell.
Adam: Yeah, a-and th-
Drew: There’s a lot of things you can do, and then, it sounds like you might have a yeast infection in the mouth.
Adam: Eeewwww!
Drew: Called ‘thrush.’ And that can make a funky smell.
Adam: Eeewww! There’s- there’s dentists that pretty much specialize in this, these days.
Drew: There are indeed.
Adam: I was at a movie today, I walked out because someone had funky breath.
Drew: Oh really? (yucky noise)
Adam: Yeah, I really, I, you know, I think it’s because I’m a big star now and a literal millionaire.
Amber: Yeah, you can’t take the bad breath and the yawning and the snoring.
Adam: I just, I got nestled in between five of the worst people I’d ever met in my life, and about 20 minutes into the film, I’ve just had an assful of this-
Drew: Instead of leaving the theater, why didn’t you just move seats.
Amber: Yeah. What-?
Adam: I didn’t even wanna be in the same theatre. You know why?
Drew: Let it go so long you got angry.
Adam: No. Here’s what happened. I saw, I went to see the movie Bandits. And the movie is one of these that starts at the ending, and lays it all out, and then- and then proceeds-
Drew: You missed that because you were too distracted by the smells.
Adam: No, I missed that because I had the A-holes- you know these A-holes who pile in right at the beginning of the movie?
Amber: And they talk the whole time?
Adam: You know what I’m talking about? You’re sitting there for 25 minutes watching the popcorn, Mr. Popcorn dance.
Amber: Yeah, the trivia on the screen.
Drew: With the Good N’ Plenty dancing around.
Adam: Right. The whole concession stand band, Dixieland band.
Amber: It’s changed recently, actually.
Adam: And you’re sitting there the whole time, and then right when the movie begins here comes the guy and this chick and her friend, and then there was like a retarded guy behind me who kept repeating what they were saying.
Drew: Wow.
Adam: He was actually a little bit retarded.
Drew: So the Rainman sitting behind you?
Adam: Yeah. And there was a woman and her son who were behind me, too. And they were just having conversations like animals. You know, people are like animals, the dumb ones. You know how a dog will like, lick its balls in front of the queen. Just right in front of the Queen. The Queen of England could be standing there, dog would lick his balls.
Amber: I dunno if that’s stupidity or just- you know…
Adam: No, that’s just evolution. They’re down on the chain. And you know how stupid people get into arguments in front of other people. Like on ‘COPS’ the guy’s got his gun drawn and he’s like, ‘Sir, lay down. On your face!’ and the guy is walking to him, waving a sprinkler key saying, ‘What do you want?’ And the guy keeps yelling, ‘Down, down on your face.’
Amber: Down, down, down or I’m gonna shoot you.
Adam: And he keeps yelling ‘What do you want,’ and waving the sprinkler key with his shirt off. That’s stupidity! And people who talk and don’t think other people can hear them, or don’t care, or just not really in their- it’s not really in their mind.
Amber: He’s off on a diatribe, isn’t he?
Adam: Yeah, they’re just sittin’ there just having a conversation in the theatre. That’s stupid. And we like to call it a bunch of other things, but it’s really stupid. Isn’t is just stupid?
Amber: Or self-involved.
Drew: Yeah, one piece of it’s stupid.
Adam: How smart do you think that person is? Do you think they’re stupid in the theater and a genius in the financial world outside of that?
Amber: Maybe.
Adam: No way!
(Amber cackles. Heh.)
Adam: No way. No! It’s like the dog licking his balls, they’re closer to the dog than they are to Tony Randall, who I would put at the top of the human evolutionary scale.
Amber: Tony Randall?
Adam: From the Odd Couple. You remember him.
Amber: Yeah, yeah- Felix, I know. The clean freak.
Adam: Yes, he was the clean one.
Amber: Yeah, I know.
Adam: We put him at the top. Yeah, they’re just having a conversation and then this other one’s having a conversation, retarded guy, and then this bad breath starts coming in, and I’m like-
Amber: I thought you said ‘bad breast,’ I’m sorry. (laughing)
Adam: Bad breast. Bad breath.
Drew: That would offend him, too.
Adam: I’m going insane, after about 20 minutes…
Amber: I felt bad for this guy, Sid, though… he should just not worry about it. He needs to go in and talk to his dental person and deal with it.
Drew: Yeah.
Amber: He shouldn’t be freaked out about it, he just needs to get it taken care of. And… speak up for himself.
Adam: Alright, where was I? Amber Benson here from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She’s a big lesbian.
(Amber giggles)
Adam: We’ll be back.
(break)
I'll keep plugging away at it throughout the day. Heehee. She's so cute.
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"That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!"
by Dr.G » Mon Oct 29, 2001 12:49 pm
by Dumbsaint » Mon Oct 29, 2001 12:49 pm
We um- it’s the Willow-Tara, it’s the lesbian comic, basically…
hee hee hee... that amber, sure does like to talk about being a lesbian...
[This message has been edited by april (edited October 29, 2001).]
by Dr.G » Mon Oct 29, 2001 12:59 pm
by KittyKo » Mon Oct 29, 2001 1:07 pm
by Warduke » Mon Oct 29, 2001 2:13 pm
[This message has been edited by Warduke (edited October 29, 2001).]
IP: Logged
IP: Logged
*snicker*
At any rate, I have to go to my music lessons soon here but I'll try to get the rest of the show transcribed this evening. I was so stoked on getting to listen last night that it just doesn't seem fair that any Kitty should have to go without the Amber-y goodness. Heh.
Anyone know if she was on the morning show on KROQ as someone suggested she might be?
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"That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!"
IP: Logged
IP: Logged
I know I've said it before and I shall no doubt say it again, but how much do I love Amber Benson, she is so damn cool!
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I am in thunderous agreement, oh glittering, glistening Glorificus! : Jinx in Tough Love
IP: Logged
quote:
Originally posted by Dumbsaint:
How'd that lil ditty of Ruth's go again?
Ah Dumbsaint...in the true style of UPN, that was just a teaser. You'll have to wait until after the show for the rest. Heh heh...
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"Y-you wanna look at the money? I find it always calms me."
IP: Logged
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Paula
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Amber FanGirl #1a; May the Amber Force be with you.
Keeper of my own insanity
"I love being a girl, having a girl.." ~as sung by Amber Benson in the UK
IP: Logged
[This message has been edited by xita (edited October 29, 2001).]
IP: Logged
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Bite me
IP: Logged
"We um- it’s the Willow-Tara, it’s the lesbian comic, basically…"
hee hee hee... that amber, sure does like to talk about being a lesbian...
IP: Logged
[This message has been edited by Warduke (edited October 29, 2001).]
IP: LoggedDr.GStrong like an Amazon IP: Logged
posted October 29, 2001 16:26 Oh well she showed us her butt, so I guess we owed her one. IP: LoggedDumbsaintCool Monster Fighter *snicker*
At any rate, I have to go to my music lessons soon here but I'll try to get the rest of the show transcribed this evening. I was so stoked on getting to listen last night that it just doesn't seem fair that any Kitty should have to go without the Amber-y goodness. Heh.
Anyone know if she was on the morning show on KROQ as someone suggested she might be?
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"That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!"
IP: Logged
posted October 29, 2001 17:10 Heh. Yeah, Adam is incredibly irritating. But I don't mind listening to him so much so long as there are Amber giggles and sighs in the background. *swoon**snicker*
At any rate, I have to go to my music lessons soon here but I'll try to get the rest of the show transcribed this evening. I was so stoked on getting to listen last night that it just doesn't seem fair that any Kitty should have to go without the Amber-y goodness. Heh.
Anyone know if she was on the morning show on KROQ as someone suggested she might be?
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"That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!"
IP: Logged
posted October 29, 2001 18:17 Thanks for the transcript Dumbsaint! IP: LoggedminionSassy Eggs I know I've said it before and I shall no doubt say it again, but how much do I love Amber Benson, she is so damn cool!
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I am in thunderous agreement, oh glittering, glistening Glorificus! : Jinx in Tough Love
IP: Logged
posted October 29, 2001 18:46 Thanks Dumbsaint, you have fingers of fireI know I've said it before and I shall no doubt say it again, but how much do I love Amber Benson, she is so damn cool!
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I am in thunderous agreement, oh glittering, glistening Glorificus! : Jinx in Tough Love
quote:
Originally posted by Dumbsaint:
How'd that lil ditty of Ruth's go again?
Ah Dumbsaint...in the true style of UPN, that was just a teaser. You'll have to wait until after the show for the rest. Heh heh...
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"Y-you wanna look at the money? I find it always calms me."
IP: Logged
posted October 29, 2001 19:26quote:
Originally posted by Dumbsaint:
How'd that lil ditty of Ruth's go again?
Ah Dumbsaint...in the true style of UPN, that was just a teaser. You'll have to wait until after the show for the rest. Heh heh...
------------------
"Y-you wanna look at the money? I find it always calms me."
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Paula
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Amber FanGirl #1a; May the Amber Force be with you.
Keeper of my own insanity
"I love being a girl, having a girl.." ~as sung by Amber Benson in the UK
IP: Logged
posted October 29, 2001 21:37 Thank you so much Dumbsaint.
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Paula
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Amber FanGirl #1a; May the Amber Force be with you.
Keeper of my own insanity
"I love being a girl, having a girl.." ~as sung by Amber Benson in the UK
[This message has been edited by xita (edited October 29, 2001).]
IP: Logged
posted October 29, 2001 21:42 Thanks dumbsaint! YAY![This message has been edited by xita (edited October 29, 2001).]
IP: LoggedPuffBig Pineapple ------------------
Bite me
IP: Logged
posted October 29, 2001 22:02 Thanks for the transcript Dumbsaint "fingers of fire"? hee hee------------------
Bite me
"We um- it’s the Willow-Tara, it’s the lesbian comic, basically…"
hee hee hee... that amber, sure does like to talk about being a lesbian...
IP: Logged
posted October 29, 2001 22:32 "So- I got sick of just being the lesbian on Buffy, I wanted to branch out and be a lesbian on film, too.""We um- it’s the Willow-Tara, it’s the lesbian comic, basically…"
hee hee hee... that amber, sure does like to talk about being a lesbian...
by Dr.G » Mon Oct 29, 2001 2:26 pm
by Dumbsaint » Mon Oct 29, 2001 3:10 pm
*snicker*
At any rate, I have to go to my music lessons soon here but I'll try to get the rest of the show transcribed this evening. I was so stoked on getting to listen last night that it just doesn't seem fair that any Kitty should have to go without the Amber-y goodness. Heh.
Anyone know if she was on the morning show on KROQ as someone suggested she might be?
------------------
"That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!"
by Twisted Rabbit » Mon Oct 29, 2001 4:17 pm
by minion » Mon Oct 29, 2001 4:46 pm
I know I've said it before and I shall no doubt say it again, but how much do I love Amber Benson, she is so damn cool!
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I am in thunderous agreement, oh glittering, glistening Glorificus! : Jinx in Tough Love
by tommo » Mon Oct 29, 2001 5:26 pm
quote:
Originally posted by Dumbsaint:
How'd that lil ditty of Ruth's go again?
Ah Dumbsaint...in the true style of UPN, that was just a teaser. You'll have to wait until after the show for the rest. Heh heh...
------------------
"Y-you wanna look at the money? I find it always calms me."
by Kiwiccan » Mon Oct 29, 2001 7:37 pm
------------------
Paula
--------
Amber FanGirl #1a; May the Amber Force be with you.
Keeper of my own insanity
"I love being a girl, having a girl.." ~as sung by Amber Benson in the UK
by xita » Mon Oct 29, 2001 7:42 pm
[This message has been edited by xita (edited October 29, 2001).]
by Puff » Mon Oct 29, 2001 8:02 pm
------------------
Bite me
by april » Mon Oct 29, 2001 8:32 pm
"We um- it’s the Willow-Tara, it’s the lesbian comic, basically…"
hee hee hee... that amber, sure does like to talk about being a lesbian...
by Dumbsaint » Mon Oct 29, 2001 8:55 pm
quote:
Originally posted by Puff:
Thanks for the transcript Dumbsaint "fingers of fire"? hee hee
Bwahaha! Yes, fingers of fire! Faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap run-on sentences in a single bound... all that early piano training and long years of being a total cyberwhore online addict have left me with speedy fingers. They do come in... well, handy. As it were.
Here's the second to last bit of the show. It's with the creepy guy, in the second half. You can't really know how creepy he sounded without listening to him, but... you can kind of see it in the way they talk about the call afterwards. Amber sounded a bit distressed a few times in there.
I think it's best summed up a la Buffy: "I see your eeeeughhhhhhhhhh and raise
you a gnyeh."
(back from yet another way too long break, this one including the over five minutes long Mexican national anthem, which 91X here in San Diego plays religiously every night @ midnight. It’s long. Real long. And it hurts me. But back to the show!)
Drew: Hey, it’s Loveline.
Adam: Thank you there, Drew. (scatting death metal style as Drew snickers in the background) Never gets old for you, does it, Drew?
Drew: Never! I just wish people could have heard what we heard that one lovely afternoon in Pasedena, behind the stage of System of the Down (?)
Adam: To be fair to the band, we were behind the stage. (starts up with the scatting death metal stuff again)
Drew: But that’s what we heard!
Adam: (yet more scary syllables) Hey!
Amber: I’m so out of the loop, I don’t even know.
Adam: You’re not hip to the System Up And Down (again with the ???). Very hot, with the kids.
Amber: I’m gettin’ old.
Adam: Amber Benson, ladies and gentlemen, is our guest tonight. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. UPN. Tuesdays, 8 o’clock.
Amber: You know there’s like a porno that’s Muffy the Vampire Layer.
Adam: Well, you know you’ve arrived.
Amber: Yep. Not me. Other people, but…
Adam: Well, you know the show has arrived when the porn industry-
Amber: Yeah. The show has COME. It has hit its uh- it’s climax. (Amber laughage)
Adam: Good! Sixth season everybody.
Amber: (beat) God, I hope it’s the sixth. It is the sixth, isn’t it?
Adam: I was gonna say fifth, but-
Amber: It is, it is!
Adam: Okay, six. Let’s talk to-
Amber: I’m getting senile.
Adam: To uh… Sagen?
Drew: Saigon?
Adam: Hello?
Drew: Who?
(weird over the phone background noise)
Amber: It’s like playin’… Ozzy Osborne backwards.
Drew: Is it a guy?
Adam: Alright. Should we put ‘em on hold?
(someone in the booth starts playing a clip of Ozzy stammering something or other, sounding out of his head… “I-I-I-I-I-I used to do a little screwing around with my medication…”)
Amber: Who’s that?
Adam: That’s Ozzy.
Drew: Ozzy Osborne.
Amber: Was it? (laughs)
Adam: Who else was it?
Amber: I dunno!
Adam: See, you call it, we play it.
Amber: Wow.
Adam: Debra? You’re 24?
Debra (Caller): Yeah. I just want to say something, um- you were talking about the morning after pill and a few months ago my friend told me that she was having sex with her boyfriend when the condom broke. And she was freaking out ‘cause she’s not on the pill, and because I’ve been listening to your show for eight years I knew to ask her if it’d happened in the last 72 hours and got her to Planned Parenthood and got her the morning after pill. And she didn’t get pregnant.
Amber: Wow.
Drew: God bless you, Debra.
Amber: You rock!
Debra: Well, God bless you guys, ‘cause I’ve been listening to you and that’s how I know.
Adam: Thanks!
Drew: Ahhh, thank you. Thank you. I feel purposeful. I’m comin’ back tomorrow night!
(Amber chuckles)
Adam: Hey, uh, I just never have heard anyone else talk about this, and it seems to be something that would make quite a positive impact on our society. And I just wonder where all the politicians are when it comes to things that could actually impact society.
Amber: They’re still saying you can’t get pregnant the first time.
Drew: Ha!
Adam: Annnyways…
Amber: Abstinence!
Adam: Yeah, I told that old hag Maxine Waters about it, but she didn’t know what I was talking about.
Drew: But the fact that the abstinence method and this should go hand in hand.
Amber: Yeah, totally! You can’t preach one without the other, ‘cause kids aren’t gonna-
Drew: The problem is they’ve gone these disparate paths, and that’s the hugest- to the detriment of young people.
Adam: By the way, I don’t know why but I was just thinking about this the other day. Hold on a second, Debra. Remember when we had that crazy chick on from the abstinence council?
Drew: Oh, yeah.
Adam: And, uh, she said that uh, you know, here’s the thing about these people: they’re religious nutjobs. They don’t get laid, so they don’t want anyone else to get laid. That’s the through current here.
Amber: (laughing) God forbid anybody enjoys their lives.
Adam: All the abstinent people, the people who preach this, can’t get laid, so now they have a legitimate cause behind the reason they can’t get laid. They’ve made it legitimate. And uh, this woman, who reminded me- kinda reminiscent of a Jane Hathaway, from the Beverly Hillbillies, had about that much sexuality to her.
Amber: Awww.
Drew: What was her boss’s name?
Adam and Amber: Mr. Dreisdale!
Drew: Yes.
Adam: Yeah, I would have rather blown Mr. Dreisdale than had sex with this woman.
(Amber cackles)
Adam: But she came on the show-
Amber: Did she now?! She came on the show? (naughty giggle)
Adam: I was arguing with her about some of this stuff, and one of the things she said was that the birth control pill, that there was data to support the fact that the birth control pill, that taking the birth control pill made you more susceptible to getting HIV.
Drew: And cancer, too. She went on about it.
Adam: And I said the reason more people who get HIV are on the birth control pill is because they don’t use condoms. And that’s why the data would seem to suggest that they would be at a higher risk group.
Amber: They’re not thinking about the other things you can get, yeah.
Adam: She said nope, it’s not the condom thing, or not only that, but she actually has data to support that the birth control pill actually weakens your immune system so that you can contract HIV. And I said, nope, you don’t have any of that data. And she said, oh yes we do. And I said, well…
Amber: You got in a fight with her, didn’t you? (more Amber cackles, whee!)
Adam: I said well, what is that data? And she said ‘I do not have that data here, but-
Amber: I’ll fax it to you!
Adam: ‘It is substantial.’ And what did I say, Drew?
Drew: ‘Kiss my ass,’ if I recall.
Adam: No. I said ‘There’s no data! If you had data you’d bring it in.’
Drew: No, she quoted this one guy. This one guy.
Adam: But here’s my point.
Amber: There are many (something), I mean, the trials are-
Adam: I told her ‘go back to your office, get that data and send it on in. I’ll gladly read it over the air. But I know you’ll never do it because it doesn’t exist.’ And she never did it, of course.
Drew: Whenever it’s the opinion of one person, you really should look at it with a very jaundiced point of view, because it’s one thing one person reporting on a discipline or lots of people’s points of view-
Amber: Well, it’s gonna be subjective on top of that-
Drew: But if it’s not an entire community supporting a particular point of view, if it’s one person against the world… that person is up to something. He’s acting out.
Adam: Well, anyway… whatever her name was, I can’t remember what it is, we’re still waiting on that stuff.
Amber: Rebecca, I think? Oh, no, no. (Still back on Ms. Hathaway? Hehe)
Adam: Here’s my thing-
Amber: The lady from… abstinence…
Adam: You’re lying. She’s a lying bitch. That’s what I wanted to say. Do you know what I’m saying, Drew? She was lying! She was sitting there and lying. She had no data.
Drew: I don’t know that.
Adam: Oh, you think that she had substantial data that she couldn’t recall?
Drew: I think she- No, I think she had this one guy, this BS nonsense-
Adam: But do you think that number meant anything?
Drew: No. But I don’t think she knows that. I think these people they delude themselves-
Adam: No, they know it! They know it. If they have numbers that sound good, they will memorize those numbers.
Drew: Oh, I see what you’re saying.
Adam: She did not know the numbers. She knew every other number.
Drew: Right right right.
Adam: She didn’t know that number.
Drew: You’re right.
Adam: Because it wasn’t a number.
Amebr: She’s just trying to get her point across any way she can.
Adam: Of course. Even if it just means LYING! It is lying! So come on, liar! Call up!
Amber: Soft definition.
Adam: Call up. You got nothing, you lying bitch.
Amber: Awww, maaan!
Adam: That’s why you’re not calling, you puss! Go hump your Bible!
Drew: Debra… oh my God!
Amber: I don’t wanna get on his bad side!
Adam: So listen! How come we don’t beat on these people?! They sit here and they lie. She was lying to our face. ‘Oh, I’ll have to check that data.’ That’s BS, honey, you’ve got nothing! And we never heard from her again, so if anyone’s listening and they know her, tell her to send it on in. C’mon, give me that data!
Amber: Someone’s-
Adam: Ya lying bitch! Debra?
Debra: Hi.
Adam: Thank you.
Debra: Sure.
Adam: They’re trying to screw us all over.
(Amber and Debra laugh)
Adam: That’s what she’s doing! We’ve gotta live with these kids that aren’t wanted. Go ahead, Debra.
Debra: Okay. Um, I started taking a diet pill, I’ve taken it just a few times, and I dunno if it’s my imagination or not but I have uh, it’s sort of a pain in my lower back, when I-
Drew: Which pill?
Debra: It’s called Xenadren (sp?).
Drew: Xenadran. Do not take that crap, please?
Amber: Yeah.
Drew: Isn’t there ma wang (sp?) in that? There’s like ephedra (?), alright? And the stimulants can give you back pain.
Debra: Is that what it is?
Drew. Yeah.
Adam: Why? Why do stimulants-
Debra: Do you know if Allegra would give me back pain?
Drew: Allegra? Allegra should not gonna give you back pain.
Debra: Well, one of the symptoms on the website is back pain.
Drew: Here’s what- almost any medication can give you back pain, it turns out. And the reason, as I understand it- listen, this is actually kinda complicated, and I have no good way of describing it with science except to say clinically, we see this all the time. And in my experience it’s sorta been pills that make you feel worn out…
Debra: Mhmm?
Drew: -give you back pain. It’s almost like, somehow your central stabilizing muscles aren’t working so well, and you just feel tired. Like I took Acutan for a while, and it gave me horrible back pain.
Adam: Right.
Drew: There’s like, no reason for that. It just- I was tired all the time from it.
Amber: Mhmm.
Drew: And it gave me bad back pain. We also see, Debra, back pain with stimulants, and from opiates.
Amber: Hmmm.
Drew: Okay?
Debra: And is that because it makes you tired?
Drew: Mmm, probably not. It’s probably more- I just, is there- I’ve always thought it was associated with, I only thought I was seeing it in addicts. Do you have alcoholism in your family somewhere?
Debra: Um, no. I uh- there’s addiction, but it’s not alcohol, but yeah, it’s the same gene-
Drew: Alright, so you may have the gene. And what I think I’m seeing, from that, from stimulants and opiates is something we call ‘pain reward cycle’ which is when your body learns that you’re gonna give it a reward, it’ll cause the pain that motivates you to go give yourself that reward.
Amber: Hmm.
Drew: And so that’s what I think is going on.
Adam: Alright. Hey baby, uh, lay low on the carbs and get some exercise.
Debra: Thank you.
Amber: Yeah, don’t take that crap!
Adam: And remember, you’re not gonna change your shape that much.
Drew: You’re fat.
Adam: You just gotta find a guy that likes that.
Amber: You didn’t say that.
Debra: Thank you, Adam.
Adam: Well, it’s true! I’m taking the pressure off. You’ve got a big butt, right?
Amber: Join the club. I think- that’s just bein’ a woman, my dear.
Debra: Thank you!
Adam: There are guys who are into that, you just find one of those guys.
Amber: I can’t tell you how many guys would rather go to bed with something that’s got a little meat on its bones than, you know, these little stick-skeleton dead wom- girls.
Adam: Yeah, especially black guys. They love that. Listen-
Amber: You have experience with this?
Adam: I’ve slept with black guys.
(Amber guffaw)
Adam: They always call me scrawny. Hey Drew, seriously-
Drew: Hey Adam!
Drew: Hey, hey!
Amber: Whoa!
Adam: Speaking of big asses, Drew. (as an aside) I’m not sure about the blacks. (end aside) Have you ever met anyone who’s really changed their shape, too much? Male or female?
Drew: Not without surgery.
Adam: Thank you. That’s the sad reality.
Amber: Hmmm.
Adam: I mean, think about the people that have that shape, whatever shape, good or bad, whatever your shape is, male or female, whatever shape they are- and then, you see ‘em ten years later? Same shape. Once in a while someone loses a few pounds, looks a little bit better, but basically, everyone you know looks the same as-
Amber: The problem is that I work with actors- um, and I’m not even talking about my- the show I’m on now, but like, just being- doing this for ten years, I’ve seen people go from looking completely normal and beautiful and healthy to little skeletons. I mean, it’s really, I mean- they DO change their shape.
Drew: Their shape is the same, it’s just the skeleton version.
Amber: The shape- exactly! Exactly.
Adam: Yeah, sure, if you’re-
Amber: It’s scary.
Amber: If you’re put into a-
Amber: It’s not worth it, either, lemme tell ya.
Adam: If you’re put in a concentration camp, your shape will change.
Drew: But I think, ah, guys can change their shape more than the women can.
Adam: Yeah, ‘cause guys go to the gym and they pump their arms up and they take a lot of creatine.
Amber: They’re building muscle, they’re not changing shape.
Drew: Right, it just means-
Adam: Even if they end up looking like the same dude with big arms.
Amber: Yeah, and no legs. (laughs) That cracks me up, guys with big arms and nnno legs.
Adam: Yeah, I got the no arms, no penis look that women seem to enjoy.
(Amber giggles)
Adam: Peter?
Peter (Caller): Yes.
Adam: You’re 28?
Peter: Yes, sir.
Adam: What’s up?
Peter: Well, I don’t seem to be as… uh, sexually active as I used to be.
Drew: Alright. What’s changed?
Peter: Uh, well I’ve got a couple of things going on. As far as my work, concentrating on work…
Drew: What do you do for a living?
Peter: I do cable TV upgrades.
Drew: Oh, you gotta concentrate on that.
Adam: Yeah.
Drew: That’s very taxing.
Adam: Takes you on the road.
Amber: So he’s kinda stressed out.
Drew: So, do you have a girlfriend? Or whatever?
Peter: No, I- I’m married, I’ve got three kids.
Drew: Alright.
Peter: I’ve been married for seven years. When my wife and I first met, I mean, we were having sex… fifteen times a day. (Here Julia coughs. Cough cough cough. Cough LIAR cough.)
Drew: Are you depressed?
Peter: Ah, not depressed, I mean, I like where I’m headed in life.
Drew: And how’s your relationship with your wife?
Peter: Pretty good. You know, we argue just as much as any normal couple.
Drew: Are you still attracted to her?
Peter: Yes. Very much.
Drew: Maybe you’re just stressed, from working hard.
Adam: Well, he’s 28, he sounds like he’s 68, doesn’t he?
Amber: Sounds like he’s stressed out. But he’s got three kids, too. It’s hard to find time to, you know…
Adam: Drew’s got three kids, he’s still very virile.
(Amber giggles)
Adam: You don’t believe me? I’ll give you a run down during the commercial break.
Peter: I’ve got this other thing going on where I’ve lost the ability to smell.
Drew: Oh! That’s-
Peter: I know that has a lot to do with attraction.
Drew: No no no no no. Actually, this is quite interesting-
Adam: (making fun) No no no no no no.
Drew: There’s actually something called Calman’s syndrome where you can lose sense of smell, and your testes kind of shut down. You get hypogonadism and lack of sense of smell.
(Adam makes a pained noise)
Adam: My nuts hurt just hearing that.
Amber: He needs to go to the doctor.
Drew: Yeah, and Peter, that’s actually something that does need to be looked into right away. That’s an interesting, yeah-
Amber: Go to the doctor now.
Drew: This is a- the pheromone thing-
Peter: Question. Now, do I go to an ears mouth throat specialist, or-
Drew: No. You go to an endocrinologist.
Amber: Or go to your general doctor and they’ll refer you.
Drew: Yeah, start with internists. But you need- it’s a pretty specialized thing to sort out. Um, and I would start with- use your family doctor, but then go to an endocrinologist. That’s where that’s gonna be- they’re gonna sort it out.
Adam: Did he just lose the ability to smell on his own and never check into it?
(weird sniffling noise)
Drew: Ask him.
Adam: Peter?
Drew: Peter?
Amber: What was that?
Adam: Maybe he’s running to the endocrinologist.
Drew: He just let it happen. ‘Oh, there it goes…’ I mean it could be just, sinuses…
Adam: Drew, you could have used that last week when I was in here fartin’ up a storm.
Drew: Oh, I would have loved it.
Amber: Oh, no.
Adam: But what about the shrinking nads.
Drew: Yeah, that’s kind of sad.
Adam: Let me say this real quick. I’m not going on a tirade, but I just wanna say I love the fact that these cable TV companies, these rapists, are now all scrambling trying to get their acts together to put out some kind of product, when for the last twenty years they’ve just been putting out this sort of sub-par product and charging everybody an arm and a leg for it.
(silly Amber giggles)
Adam: I love the fact that you guys are now scrambling, scared, losing money and having to actually do something. I hope you all go under, by the way, you idiots.
(Amber cracking up in a cutely dorky fashion)
Drew: I’m gonna get the first direct broadband access from uh, Direct TV, in southern California.
Adam: Ohhh!
Drew: That’s a big deal! I’m getting-
Adam: What do you mean it’s a big deal?
Amber: Oh, that’s nnnice!
Drew: You don’t use a computer.
Amber: Yeah, you can do everything.
Drew: And it just all happens (makes snapping noise) magic.
(wistful sigh from Amber… ‘scuse me while I swoon)
Drew: It goes so that a download that would take an hour takes like, three minutes.
Adam: What are you downloading?
Drew: Just yesterday I downloaded a zip file operation-
Amber: Media files.
(weird porno-esque moaning noise)
Adam: Porn! Right?
Drew: No! You would love it for that, I have no doubt, but- I-
(Amber giggles)
Adam: What’s zip?
Drew: I’m doing a power point presentation next week, so- you don’t understand this stuff!
Adam: You two, with your movie making and your power point presentation. Just relax! Relax.
Amber: (gushing) I looove computers. I love that stuff.
Adam: Relax, both of you.
Amber: I just lost my DSL connection, I’m scaaa! (mock-sobbing type noise)
Drew: See? You may be next for the broadband. The satellite broadband.
(D’oH! This is where my tape cuts out for a minute or two while the clicky sound my stereo made registered in my brain as, “Aw, crap! My butt needs to get out of this chair and over there to flip that beotch over.” And we come back early into the creepy semi-reformed child molestor caller…)
Guy: Well, um, right now, um, I’m trying to break the- find a good way to break the news to my girlfriend that I am a former juvenile sex offender.
Drew: Former.
(Amber sigh-age, a long sigh that is probably a signal of troubledness at this caller but it comes across as being really rather sultry… I’m so going to hell, but hey! It’s Amber… Julia sigh-age…)
Adam: Hold on. Is this Steven Hawkings? Is he speaking through one of those like, electronic translator things?
Drew: He reminds me of that guy James that was zoophiliac (sounds like ZO-philiac when he says it) that we had.
Amber: What’s zo-philiac?
Adam: No, he reminds me of one of those guys with those boxes.
(Sound clip: “This conversation can serve no purpose anymore.”
Drew: Ah, animal…
(Amber groans softly at this. God, this is starting to sound one of my fics, isn’t it? Well, without the zoophilia.)
Drew: Aaron (caller’s name, it seems), so what do you mean ‘former juvenile sex offender.’
Aaron: Well, I’m 19 right now. I’m not a present juvenile sex offender. I’m 19, I’m past juvenile.
Adam: Right.
Drew: So you’re still-
Adam: Well, he went- he’s no longer a juvenile sex offender because he’s over 18.
Drew: But I imagine, at under 18, he wasn’t having sex with people over 18, it meant he was having sex with younger people, right?
Adam: Yeah, I would assume that.
Drew: How old, Aaron, were the people you were having sex with?
Aaron: (beat) Could you repeat that?
Drew: How old were the people you were offending on?
Aaron: Um, it ranged form 6 to 15.
(Amber makes a pained noise. Julia wants to hug her.)
Adam: (making an ass of himself) Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy behavior.
Amber: Not.
Drew: Yeah, how do you not do that now?
Aaron: ‘Scuse me?
Drew: How is it you’re not doing that kind of thing, or don’t have that kind of impulse now?
Aaron: Well, um, when I was 14 and got caught in the act, I went to a sex offender treatment program, and you know, they beat you down, I mean, every time you check out a girl you get your monkey stomped and your brain sent back to your mother, but you know… I mean, they put you through a program, and then, you know, I mean, I’m one of the ones who actually changed my ways and you know, I don’t have any impulses anymore, and the only problem- the only real problem I have is my problem with pornography.
Drew: And that’s uh, juvenile pornography?
Aaron: Um, right now I’m withdrawing.
Drew: Withdrawing from that?
Aaron: Yeah.
Drew: Did you ever get into animals or anything of that sort?
Aaron: No.
Adam: Oh, Drew, what do you mean? He’s not a sick-o. Yeah, and uh-
(Some real tasteful chap in the booth chooses this moment to play a sound cue of sheep bleating.)
Adam: He’d only jack off to veal, though, the cows were too old.
Amber: Well, usually that’s somebody who’s had that perpetu- you know-
Adam: Yeah, we would assume that.
Amber: (murmuring to herself) Perpetrate.
Adam: So, Aaron, you have a girlfriend now?
Aaron: Yeah.
Adam: And how old is she?
Aaron: Nineteen.
Adam: Alright. And you want to tell her about this?
Aaron: Yes.
Adam: You do?
Aaron: Well, you know, she’s my girlfriend, she has a right to know.
Amber: Yeah, she does. You have to be honest with her, I mean-
Adam: Really?
Amber: Yeah, you do. I mean, this is someone he could potentially spend a long- a long time with, and she needs to be aware, you know, of what- of what he, you know, of his past.
Drew: Who he is.
Amber: Yeah, exactly.
(Adam makes a protesting noise)
Amber: Someone she could possibly have children with, you know?
Drew: Are you still in treatment, Aaron?
Aaron: Actually, no.
Drew: Are you supposed to be?
Aaron: Well, you know- (kinda laughs, not sounding real convincing here)
Drew: Oh!
Aaron: I’m not, well-
Drew: Yes.
Amber: Yeah.
Aaron: Well, I’m in foster care right now, but um, you know, on the 15th of November I’m being released.
Drew: But aren’t you supposed to still be in treatment for your impulses?
Aaron: Ah, no. No, I graduated a few months ago.
Drew: You go to some kind of 12 step program?
Aaron: Actually, you know, it’s not really a 12 step program, it’s something where you have to work your way up, you know, you know it’s not really an easy process, and you know, sometimes you go back… you know…
Amber: Is there somebody following your case right now that you go see?
Aaron: Um, well, there was for quite a while, when I was still having therapy, and you know… once I graduated they figured that I didn’t really need to worry about that. You know…
Adam: Yeah, I know. Once you got your diploma you’re out of there. It’s like, uh-
Aaron: Yeah, that’s why they’re kicking me out.
Adam: Well, how do you feel? I mean, do you feel like you’re going to re-offend?
Aaron: Oh, no.
Adam: No?
Aaron: Nah.
Drew: He said ‘I don’t know.’
Aaron: No.
Adam: No, I think he said ‘no.’
Amber. ‘No.’
Aaron: I said ‘no.’
Amber and Adam: Yeah.
Adam: That’s not something you wanna do again?
Aaron: Well, it’s- you know, too many people get hurt in the process… and you know…
Amber: Damn straight. Damn straight.
Aaron: And I won’t- I won’t even dare go and take something from the store anymore let alone- let alone, um-
Adam: What happened to you growing up? Did somebody do this to you?
Aaron: Actually, I’m one of the few that, you know, never had it happen to ‘em.
Drew: Really?
Amber: Wow.
Drew: That doesn’t make sense.
Adam: You’ve gotta admire that in a way.
Drew: Were you physically abused?
Aaron: Um, yes.
Drew and Amber: Okay.
Adam: So, your dad beat on you?
Aaron: Yes, but, you know, it kind of reversed, because when I was 12 I- you know, I got tired of it and started beating the crap out of him.
Adam: Outta him?
Aaron: Yeah.
Adam: Oh, good!
Drew: Yeah, thank- yeah.
Adam: Hope you killed him.
Amber: Uhh. (disconcerted noise)
Adam: Yeah! Fine. Listen, here’s uh, here’s the deal…
Amber: (starts to laugh) He’s gonna- he presses the button, he’s gonna give me a lecture now.
Adam: Yeah, you know in uh, Frankenstein? They went up to Dr. Frankenstein’s castle and they basically burned him down?
Amber: Yeah.
Adam: You know what I’m saying? Because he basically created this monster and then he let it loose on the village. And these parents…
Amber: Yeah, but then by doing something like going after and killing somebody that abused you, you just make your- what you’re dealing with even worse. You know what I mean?
Adam: Nah, I’m fine with that.
Amber: (laughs) Okay.
Adam: ‘Cause that guy could have other kids he was abusing.
Drew: The father, yeah.
Adam: You create these monsters and then you turn them loose on the world.
Amber: No, it’s not right. No. It’s totally not right, but-
Adam: And they created this, these guys by physical or sexual abuse.
Amber: But this isn’t the mo- we’re not living in a movie where you kill the bad guy and you miraculously don’t ever think about it again.
Drew: Yeah, you’re better.
Adam: No. Oh, no, he’ll never be the same again.
Amber: No.
Adam: I’d just feel better. I- it’s just- it’s not like-
Amber: (chuckling) Well, as long as you feel better then everything’s okay.
Adam: It doesn’t solve the problem. It’s just, why not? You know, we’re gonna go kill bin Ladin, hopefully, God willing, very soon. And it’s probably not gonna solve too much, but we’ll all feel a little bit better. It’ll be fine. We deserve that.
(music comes up like in a movie, the stirring speech background soundtrack) No problem. Anyone who, you know, sexually molests their kid, I hope someone kills them. I’ve got no problem with that, whether-
Drew: Well, what about Aaron? You want somebody to kill him? And the parents of these kids he abused (I think he means parents who abuse their kids).
Adam: Ah, if someone could have put a bullet in his head before he got to-
Amber: Heyyyyy.
Adam: this six year old. I mean, if you had a six year old that this guy-
Amber: Oh, I would- I would probably be the one to go after him. Totally, if it was my child, yeah.
Adam: Yeah. Yeah. And now he’s got his stuff under control-
Drew: These are very, very complex things. But I will, let’s just say that people who have been sexually abused who are going down a sexually compulsive path are-
Amber: Are gonna continue… without-
Drew: Well, there are treatments. And God willing, you get the treatment before somebody gets hurt. That’s the idea. And most of these treatments are around, 12 step programs, sexual addiction…
Amber: Mhmm.
Drew: There are highly trained professionals out there. It’s a lot of work, takes a lot of time. Aaron should still be in some kind of treatment.
Amber: Oh, I- 100%, yeah.
Drew: But somebody’s gonna get hurt if he doesn’t stay in some kind of treatment.
Amber: Totally.
Drew: Thank God, he’s very much improved, and that’s good, but he’s gotta still-
Amber: But still, he’s involved in pornography, and you know…
Drew: It’s like addiction, it’s a constant- constant problem.
Adam: So should he tell the girlfriend?
Amber and Drew: Yes.
Adam: Oh really?
(Amber laughs at Adam)
Adam: (not too convinced) Ahhh, alright. Really?
Amber: Adam’s like, ‘No! I don’t think so.’
Adam: Well, I don’t know… look, I’m sure she’s assuming there’s something going on with Aaron just from hangin’ with the guy for a little bit. Wouldn’t you say?
Drew: Yeah. I’d say. I hung with him for five minutes and- (shudder-y type noise) I got the feeling…
Amber: Yeah. Mhmm.
Adam: Drew, what do you want to bet that Aaron’s girlfriend may have-
Drew: Has a history.
Adam: May have been the victim of ah-
Drew: (feigning shock) I’d be shocked!
Adam: Yeah.
Amber: You gonna pull out your wallet now?
Drew and Adam: Ah, no.
Adam: Don’t think we need to on this one.
Drew: We’re placing the same bet.
Adam: Alright, we’re gonna take ourselves a break there, ah, Drew. We’ll talk to, ah, Lakeisha? Hello?
Lakeisha: (sounding all ghetto, a little bit like that drag character Martin Lawrence does on his show) What’s up?! Oh my god, I can’t belieeeve I got on.
(Amber cracks up)
Lakeisha: I’ve been on hold so long, I can not even tell you, and I was tellin’ that girl in there, you know, that you guys have far too little black people callin’-
Drew: Now hold on, hold on…
Adam: Damn, bitch!
Drew: Sounds like white people pretending to be black.
Lakeisha: ‘Scuse me?!
Drew: Hold on, hold on.
Adam: Yeah. (sarcastic) That’s black. Yeah, uh… we’ve got Nachilla on line 7 who’s gonna talk to Lakeisha after this.
(break)
------------------
"That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!"
by Kalita » Mon Oct 29, 2001 9:33 pm
Okay, I'll shut up now.
by shellybean » Tue Oct 30, 2001 12:44 am
by april » Tue Oct 30, 2001 9:13 am
by Dumbsaint » Tue Oct 30, 2001 6:53 pm
Adam: Hey everybody. Loveline. I’m Adam Corrola, this is Dr. Drew. Amber Benson is here tonight.
Amber: (silly voice) Hellllo.
Adam: Who’s this rock band? (referring to background music)
Drew: I’ve never heard this one.
Adam: Pennypuke?
Drew: Pennywise?
Adam: Oh, Pennywise. Oh, Pennypuke, that’s a good name.
Amber: Loren’s all shaking, she’s like…
Adam: That’s a good song from Pennywise. Ah, Alien Ant Farm here tomorrow night.
(gross sound cue reminiscent of Buffy slashing into some kind of demon- a very gooey, gut-filled, sloshy-noise-when-being-killed demon. Bleh. Then pukey type sound effects. Again with the bleh.)
Adam: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, UPN, Tuesday nights everybody.
(Amber giggles her geeky giggle again, subtly teasing Adam about his earlier flub when he mentioned a certain frog type network that shall not be mentioned. CoughcoughFASCISTScoughcough)
Adam: Yeah?
Amber: Yeah. No, you nailed it.
Adam: Yeah, I got it. 8 o’clock.
Drew: UPN.
Amber: You staked it.
(Adorable Amber guffaw. When this girl peals into one of her laughing fits I crinkle up mah nose and giggle like a five year old. Truly infectious, our Amber.)
Adam: Alaya?
Alaya (Caller): Yeah?
Adam: You’re 17?
Alaya: Yeah, hi.
Amber: Hi.
Adam: What’s up?
Alaya: Uh, not much. Um, I’ve just been wondering, ah, recently my boobs have been sore all the time. Like-
Adam: Mhmm.
Amber: Hmmm.
Alaya: Yeah. I don’t know if there’s something I can do, or a pill I can take, or something.
Amber: Pills.
Drew: Do you ever notice the kind of accent that southern California women have when they refer to their own breasts?
Adam: Yeah.
Drew: Say that again. Your what are sore?
(Amber and Alaya start laughin’ up a storm.)
Drew: ‘Cause I find this very curious. (Shure ya do, Drew. Ya know, I think hanging out with Adam all these years has been a really bad influence on Drew.) What- what are sore?
Alaya: (playing up the so-called ‘accent’) My boooobs.
Adam: Booooobs.
Drew: Boooobs. Yeah.
Adam: Your boooooobs are sore? Yeah, and are they big? (Julia commences giving her tape player a really dirty look. A weary sigh is heard from Amber. I’m right there with ya, babe.)
Alaya: Um, I-I, hmm… sorta.
(You can pretty much hear Amber rolling her eyes just here, but she giggles cutely, too.)
Adam: That wasn’t a great endorsement of your boobs.
Alaya: They’re kinda- I dunno…
Drew: It’s b-e-w…
Adam: C-cups are nice.
Drew: Okay, um… are you on the birth control pill?
Alaya: No, I’m not. I’m on the other thing called deproprivera, like, the shot?
Amber: Ohhh.
Drew: And did that- how long have you been on that?
Alaya: Um, since July.
Drew: Have you noticed it getting worse from the shots?
Alaya: Um, yeah, recentl- Yeah, it’s been like the past two months.
Drew: So it’s possibly from the shot. Have you lost your period?
Alaya: Uh, no. It’s been getting worse. It’s been like, for three weeks an’ stuff.
Drew: So you’re bleeding all the time.
Alaya: Well, not all the time. It’s just like, a little bit each day for three weeks. And then it’s like, over.
Drew: Well, usually by- you’ve had your second shot of deproprevera, right?
Alaya: No, this is m- ah, first time using it. So…
Drew: But you’ve had the second shot?
Alaya: No, not yet.
Drew: You had your first in July and you haven’t had your second- let’s see, July, August, September, October- how come you haven’t had your second shot yet?
Alaya: Um, they haven’t called me back to the um, the doctor’s office yet. And they said they’d call me back when it was time.
Drew: Okay, Alaya, this is your responsibility, right?
Alaya: My boobs?
Drew: No, not your boobs.
Adam: Your booooobs.
Drew: Your birth control. You had it in July, right?
Alaya: Yes. Ah-
Drew: July?
Alaya: Yes.
Drew: August, September, October, this is-
Amber: It’s time, yeah.
Drew: It has to be three months, right now.
Alaya: Yeah.
Drew: So you’re due. You need to get that done. And usually by the time you get that-
Alaya: My boobs?
Adam: Pamela Anderson keeps- (something something), you idiot.
Amber: Oh!
Drew: Usually by the time you get the second shot, uh, usually the heavy bleeding settles down. In fact, usually you lose your period.
Alaya: Oh, really?
Drew: And some of the tenderness might settle down with that too with that. Um, you’re not gonna let me talk to her…
Adam: No. I know she’s DUE (he says it ‘dee-oooooh!’) and her BOOBS (‘beee-oooobs’) hurt.
Alaya: My boobs? (At this point I’m wondering if someone in the booth hasn’t just looped her voice and is making it sound like she’s saying it over and over again…)
Adam: Yeah, that’s right. You’re booooobs. Drew, that’s enough. Go back and get that shot.
Drew: There could be other things goin’ on.
Adam: Well, talk to the doctor when you get there.
Drew: She’s talking to me tonight.
Amber: That’s why she called.
Drew: She could have cysts. She could have- sometimes the underwire of bras irritates them and causes-
Amber: Mhmm.
Drew: Alright, and uh-
Adam: Anything else?
Drew: Is she lactating? Anything going on with-
Adam: No, she would have said that.
(Amber laughs softly)
Drew: No breast- no liquid comin’ out’a there, right?
Adam: Is there (obnoxious voice again) mmmmilk comin’ out your boooobs?
Alaya: There’s nothing coming out of them.
Drew: Alright, thank you.
Adam: Yeah, go back there and get that shot and tell the doctor your booooobs hurt, okay?
Alaya: Alright, thanks. (Code for: Adam, you’re such a prick)
Drew: Don’t worry, it’s not anything serious, I guarantee it.
Alaya: Alright, thank you.
Adam: Take care.
Alaya: Alright, bye.
Adam: Bye bye. Drew guaranteed her health.
(Amber chuckles)
Drew: No, I guaranteed her boobs- boooooobs, it won’t be anything serious.
Amber: Her b- (breaks off giggling)
Adam: Jerry?
Jerry (Caller): Yeah?
Adam: You’re 16?
Jerry: That’s right. I’ve been having this problem, like, every time I see a girl I like, I end up getting thoughts like someone killing me.
Adam: Someone killing you?
Jerry: Yeah.
Adam: Hmmm.
Drew: Say that again now?
Amber: Wait, what?
Drew: We’re having trouble tracking you.
Adam: Jerry, you’re a virgin, are you?
Jerry: Yeah.
Drew: You’re 16?
Jerry: Yeah.
Adam: How come- Drew, tell me if I have ever been wrong on the voice?
Drew: Never. Virgin- or, vs. non-virgin. 100%.
Jerry: Nah, I-
Adam: Always know the virgin guys.
Jerry: No one can recognize me. Not even my sister can recognize me on the phone.
(Amber laughs)
Drew: No, he’s not saying he recognizes you, Jerry. I’ve never met you.
(Big geeky Amber giggles, wheee!)
Drew: But he recognized that you were a virgin.
Jerry: Oh yeah.
Drew: Okay. Are you on any medication?
Adam: Hold on a second. I wonder if chicks pick that up in some weird way, too- I mean, they have pretty good instincts that way.
Drew: Pick what up? That- that he’s a virgin.
Adam: Subtly.
Amber: The pocket protector sometimes gives it away, but- (Oh, Amber! Don’t do me like that. You know you love the geekish. Geek solidarity, baby! Geeky girls are the sexiest kind, hands down. And Xita, if I hear ONE word from you about “Downtown,” you’re toast.)
Adam: Where I- where I got sent to school-
Drew: Women- women’s keenest sense is for any kind of desperation. (Heh… what kind of desperation?)
Amber: Mhmm. (You know it, baby.)
Drew: That’s their most keen sense.
Adam: I’m just saying if I’m 100% on my telling if a guy is a virgin from listening to a few words he says over the phone, when he talks to the ladies at school…
Drew: Oh, sure.
Adam: I’m just saying, I wonder if women have…
Drew: Yeah.
Adam: That instinct… Do you know what I’m saying?
Amber: Sometimes. It depends on the situation.
Adam: On some sub-level.
Drew: Being a virgin is not what women clue into for closing guys out.
Adam: No, but they- they clue into his inexperience, kind of a nerdy guy. Jerry?
(Amber chuckles in the background)
Adam: I’m sorry, buddy. So, you think about someone killing you?
Jerry: (sounding more and more paranoid, the poor guy) Yeah, like… maybe one of her guy friends or something, I dunno… I usually get these thoughts, like- last night I couldn’t sleep because it kept bugging me.
Drew: Are you doing any stimulants, any drugs lately?
Jerry: Nah, no drugs.
Drew: Are you on any medication?
Jerry: No medication.
Drew: Do you have any other sorts of like, hearing voices or anything like that?
Jerry: Sometimes.
Drew: What do the voices tell you?
Adam: (whispers into mic) You’re insane!
Jerry: Nah, I just get these weird voices. But I don’t- I don’t know what they say.
Drew: What do the voices say?
Adam: I think- I think he’s bogus.
Jerry: I’m bogus?
Adam: Yeah.
Jerry: Because I usually hear them whispering something, I dunno…
Drew: What do they whisper?
Jerry: I can’t tell, they just whisper different things, I just-
Adam: You’re not getting laid is what they’re whispering.
Drew: Do they say- do they call your name? (beat) The voices?
Jerry: I don’t- They call me a bunch of different names. Some things like I, I can’t really describe. They just tell me I’m gonna end up dying.
Drew: This is- he’s actually describing something pretty accurate.
(Adam makes unconvinced noises in the background)
Drew: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Do you-
Adam: Oh, yeah. Mister… 20% over here.
Drew: He- are- yeah you’re right, my instincts are not very good. But he is, he is accurate in terms of what he described.
Adam: No, I’m sorta with him. I- so, and so you see a beautiful girl. Let’s just say, hypothetically-
Drew: Ehhh, no no no-
Adam: Just shut up here Drew. You see a beautiful woman.
Drew: This is not about that.
Adam: And you look at her.
Amber: This is about- yeah. Oh that’s-
Adam: Do you immediately think that someone’s gonna kill you?
Jerry: Yeah, like one of her friends. One of her guy friends.
Drew: Do you have any other thoughts?
Amber: It’s paranoia. (Good call.)
Drew: Any other thoughts, people coming to get you?
Jerry: Nnnnot really.
Adam: How would one of her guy friends know that you looked at her.
Jerry: Ah, wh-what happened?
Adam: How would one of her guy friends know that you were looking at her.
Jerry: Well- that’s not actually true, but- I just get these thoughts like they’re gonna kill me.
Drew: Right. See, he’s just having obsessive thoughts.
Amber: He’s worried, he’s… paranoid.
Drew: A couple of other things could be going on here, Jerry. Sometimes obsessive-compulsive disorder can come in like this. People get these intrusive thoughts about being harmed unless they engage in some specific kind of rituals. Sometimes other kinds of thought disorders, psychotic illnesses, come on around- you’re a little young for it to be starting, so-
Amber: But still, I mean-
Drew: But it needs evaluation, and there’s very good medication for this right now. You don’t have to- it’s miserable if life is-
Adam: But Jerry… sounds like he’d be a pretty good candidate for some of the ah, medications.
Drew: Yep.
Adam: Jerry needs to go get evaluated.
Drew: Yep. For sure.
Amber: Mhmm.
Adam: For- the psychiatrist? Or start with the doctor?
Drew: Psychiatrist, so- eh, yeah, it’s always good to get a medical evaluation first to make sure it’s not some organic cause.
Amber: Mhmm.
Adam: Take care of yourself, Jerry, please.
Drew: Medical cause.
Adam: Jack?
Jack (Caller): Yep.
Adam: You’re 24?
Jack: Yeah.
Adam: You ironically have a masturbation question, (emphasizing name) Jack?
(Amber chuckles)
Amber: Ironically.
Jack: Yeah, one of many, I’m sure.
Adam: Interesting.
Jack: Um, I wanted to know what the effects of masturbation are, on the level of testosterone in guys? I also wanted to know um, if like, if guys can take a sex hormone binding globulin like estrogen in order to reduce the thickness of your facial hair and acne.
Drew: Now, wait a minute. You’re confusing several things. Sex hormone binding globulin is a circulating protein, it’s not estrogen. Estrogen is a steroid. Okay?
Jack: Okay.
Drew: And there is a ah, is an anti-estrogen agent called Vanica that helps reduce the light facial hair on the face of women.
Adam: Don’t we have Vanica on line 6?
Drew: (laughs) Yeah.
Adam: No, that’s Lakeisha.
Drew: Now are you talking about… what are you talking about? To take-
Jack: Well, my first question was like-
Drew: No, no- forget the first question. What is it you’re asking about this- the hair?
Jack: I have really, really coarse facial hair. And I usually get ingrown hairs and acne, even at 24. And so I was reading that like, estrogen, whatever it is, binding globulins sort of attach to the testosterone so that it can’t- it doesn’t have the same effect on your facial hair.
(sound cue or dumbhead Adam? “Tasty.”
Jack: And I was wondering if there was something similar in men- males.
Drew: There are things like that out there, but- um, most of the times they’re directed at increasing hair growth. To deal with baldness, which is-
Adam: Hey, Jack?
Drew: As far as decreasing hair growth, I’m not sure if there’s anything like that for men. There is stuff for women.
Adam: Lemme help ya. I’ve got a thick beard, myself. I get the-
Jack: I watch you all the time on The Man Show, Adam.
Adam: Thank you. Thank you, Jack. I get those ingrown hairs myself. You can- where do you get ‘em? On your neck?
Jack. Yeah. Usually I have to dig them out with a pin.
Amber: Mmmm! (disconcerted, sympathizing, i.e. “Owww!”)
Drew: That’s what Adam does. It’s lovely.
Adam: Yeah, you gotta dig ‘em out, with uh, tweezers and a pin. You gotta dig ‘em out because what they do is they- they grow in, and eventually they’ll wrap around your brain. (Okay, that was actually kind of funny. Heh. But Adam still annoys the bejeezus outta me.)
(Jack laughing in the background)
Drew: But what you can do with that usually, is uh- laser.
Adam: Nah.
Drew: But that’s what’s usually done- for that. Laser hair r-
Adam: No-
Drew: That’s-
Adam: La, la, la, la. Done it three times.
Drew: That’s what’s done for that usually.
Adam: Now hold on a second. Would you shut up?
Amber: You’re not into waxing, huh?
Adam: I saw that quack Dr. Marcell that charged me full price for his crappy laser treatment out there, by the way. What a- what a guy! He charges me full price, the son of a bitch. Comes on this show. Dr. Marcell… what’s up with these- with these, uh, plastic surgeons with the pinky rings, and the gold rope chain bracelets, and the porche? Were these guys real doctors?
Amber: Well, they got you to pay full price, though, didn’t they?
(Amber giggling in the background)
Adam: Full price! And by the way, that was nothing but just a painful and humiliating experience. The hair grew back three weeks later, it was a complete waste of time. Yes, you can go and get procedure after procedure after procedure, and maybe it’ll work. Not worth it.
Amber: It takes- it takes like… four, right? I-I know people that have been doing it.
Drew: It could take more…
Adam: It could take a thousand. It’s a big w- let me tell you something, this laser is no magic pill. Everyone made it out to be, ‘Oooh! You get the laser! Take the laser!
(Big silly laugh from Amber)
Adam: ‘The laser will take care of everything!’ The laser doesn’t do squat.
Drew: Let me-
Adam: Ahhhh.
Drew: Okay. Let me finish with Jack.
Adam: Da, da- I’ll tell him what to do, I’m the one with the ingrown hairs.
Drew: I was gonna tell him something about his testosterone levels.
Adam: Ah, tell him about that when I’m done with the hair.
Drew: Alright.
Adam: Forget about the laser.
Drew: You gotta have laser done on your faggoty self. (WTF?!)
Adam: Thank you.
Drew: Oooh!
Adam: You get the laser, you get to lie there and smell your own hair burning. And then later you smell money burning, when you throw it at the quack who performed the laser surgery on you.
(Amber giggling)
Adam: Okay, so forget about that. You get yourself one of those triple blade razors. I don’t know why, it just works. Alright?
Jack: Okay.
Adam: And start shaving in the direction of the, uh- don’t shave against the hair, you gotta go the direction it grows, right?
Jack: I always go against the-
Adam: Yeah.
Drew: Don’t, don’t go uh-
Amber: Don’t go against.
Adam: Don’t- what’d he just say?
(Amber laughage)
Drew: He said he always goes against.
Adam: Alright. Don’t go against. Only go in the direction it grows, alright?
Jack: Okay.
Adam: Alright. And use gel. That uh, Edge gel stuff.
Jack: Yeah, I do.
Adam: It works good. And then soon as you’re done, take a bunch of Oxy-10 and just slap it on there.
Drew: Also, what about the stuff the black guys use to remove the hair?
Adam: Aaah, I dunno. Use the Oxy-10. You understand?
Drew: Alright, and Jack, in terms of masturbation-
Adam: He’s never gonna do this.
Drew: If you masturbate too little… (Amber is starting to giggle again) your tesosterone levels will actually drop. There’s sort of an optimum range, and then you get the Corolla syndrome, and-
Adam: For me it’s four times a day.
Drew: Corolla, ah- plateau. Ah, then you fall off the other side and start actually decreasing your testosterone levels with excessive masturbation.
Adam: Okay.
Amber: Just overdone it.
Adam: Alright. We’re gonna take ourselves a little break here. You don’t want to talk to Lakeisha? Lakeisha? (silence) Uh oh. Lakeisha has fallen asleep. Lakeisha McEvil?
Amber: (awww, this is so cute… she sounds all tentative and sweet and little girlish) Hello?
Lakeisha: Excuse me, I’m here. Sorry about that, y’all be keepin’ me on hold for a long time, you know, I just thought maybe you wasn’t gonna come back or whatever but I just wanted to, you know, say a couple quick things. I ain’t gonna, you know, eat up yo’ time, you know what I’m sayin’?
Adam: Alright. Go right ahead.
Lakeisha: Well, first of all, Amber, you are, you know, you just are amazing, and I-
Amber: Awww, thank you.
Lakeisha: Ah, just a quick question for you about maybe the crew of Buffy. I was wondering if maybe there was any particular cast member, you know, that you click with?
Amber: Um, gosh. I-I work with really cool people…
Adam: She said she hated ‘em all.
Amber: But- I, I…
Adam: During the commercial.
Amber: Yeah! Oh, I hate ‘em all, no- I really love Michelle Trachtenburg. She is just like, my- my little sister.
Lakeisha: Yeah, that’s cool. That’s really cool. You know, I love Buffy and you know, I was reading an article the other day about how they were saying that, you know, that uh, Buffy is like, six years old, or whatever, and it’s still producing really good product. And that’s just really rare, you know, for like a teen show, you know what I’m sayin’? Y’all still be having good scripts, whatever. You know what I’m saying?
Amber: Mhmm. We’re really lucky, we have great writers. And uh-
Lakeisha: That’s awesome, that’s really awesome, and then I had a quick question for Adam, uh-
Adam: (still as amused with Lakeisha as ever) Yeah.
Lakeisha: Adam, some sexual techniques that I would-
Adam: (being kind of an ass) Yeah. Sure, yeah go ahead-
Lakeisha: Excuse me?
Adam: Go ahead, I wanna-
Lakeisha: Some sexual techniques that I was unfamiliar with.
Adam: Uh huh.
Lakeisha: And I was wondering if you could help me out with ‘em, ‘cause there was two of ‘em, and my friends and I was discussin’ this and we could not, you know what I’m sayin’, we couldn’t figure out. So-
(Sound cue: “Beeeeatttcccchhhhhhh!”)
Lakeisha: One of ‘em is a ‘filthy Sanchez.’
Adam: Riiiiight.
Amber: A what?
Lakeisha: What is that?
Drew: Well, we’ll talk about it when we get back from the break. What was the other?
Lakeisha: Hold on, Dr. Drew, I’m sorry, but it’s always you ruinin’ all the fun. You know-
Drew: That’s my job!
(Amber cackleage)
Drew: That is my job.
Lakeisha: You’re always killin’ the fun.
Drew: That is my job.
Lakeisha: A filthy Sanchez, okay-
Drew: We’ve got different jobs here, that’s mine.
Lakeisha: The other one is a ‘hot Carl.’ You know?
Drew and Adam: A hot Carl.
Drew: Alright. Alright.
Lakeisha: Yeah.
Drew: Hold on, we’ll talk about it.
Adam: Alright, when we come back…
(break)
Adam: Alrighty, a little more Loveline to go. Amber Benson is our guest tonight.
Amber: Yep sirree Bob.
Adam: Buffy the Vapmire Slayer, UPN, Tuesday night, 8 o’clock.
Amber: Does that annoy you? Having to say that over and over and over again?
Adam and Drew: Nope.
Adam: It’s my pleasure.
Amber: Hee! Thank you.
Adam: Sure. Alright, let’s uh- burn through some calls.
Drew: We were just answering the questions from um-
Adam: Oh, that’s right. Dirty Sanchez. How’d that dirty Sanchez go, Drew?
Drew: I don’t remember.
Adam: Somethin’ about uh-
Drew: A stool and mustaches.
Adam: The stool and the mustache… and uh, maybe that’s where the sand g-
Amber: Awww.
Adam: I always called it a dirty Sanchez, never called it a filthy Sanchez.
Drew: And hot Carl we don’t know.
Adam: Hot Carl… not aware of that one.
Drew: Okay.
Adam: So we’re really of uh, little help. Ah…
(Amber giggles)
Adam: Let’s burn through some calls here. Kate? 25? (beat) You-
Kate: Hi.
Adam: You wanna know if you should see your psychologist even though you freaked out last time?
Kate: No, she freaked out.
Adam: Oh, what’d she do?
Drew: What’d-
Kate: Um, well, I was trying to- I’ve only like, seen her like, four times. I was trying to um, like, reschedule an appointment and she said- I guess her receptionist said that there was no way, that they would have to bill me anyway, and this was… kind of an emergency, so it was something I really needed to cancel for. I went in anyway and she just… said, you know, I said, ‘Well, I completely understand, I mean, your time is your money.’ And I went ahead and went in, and she started going down her list of people that had tried to cancel that day and just freakin’ out, and she was into ah- ‘You know, you guys complain about your kids, I don’t have kids. You complain about your husbands, I don’t even have a husband.’
Adam: Alright.
Amber: She needs a therapist!
Adam: Go- go somewhere else.
Amber: Yeah.
Adam: Find a new one. That’s alright. And don’t go to a chick psychologist.
Kate: You would love her, though- she had a great boob job.
Amber: Heyyyy.
Adam: No, you-
Drew: She had a great boob job? Oh boy.
Adam: Chick psycholo- let me tell you something. Chick psychologists are a little nutty. Male psychologists are nutty, too, but- chick psychologists are nutty-
Amber: They’re allllll nutsy.
Drew: I think the women, when they’re doing it right, do that job better than anybody.
Adam: Right.
Drew: Because…
Adam: They never do it right.
Amber: It requires that maternal, like…
Drew: Requires that attunement that women have the capacity for that-
Amber: Yeah, yeah- that sensitivity.
Drew: It’s… attunement, that they can really see where you are emotionally, and men-
Amber: Mhmm.
Drew: We don’t do that so well. We can, but we don’t do it as well as women.
Adam: (Ever the nay-sayer) Ahhhh.
Kate: So, find somebody else?
Drew: Yes.
Amber: Yeah.
Adam: Sure.
Kate: Out here where I live it’s really hard-
Drew: Where you live?
Kate: Ah, Hawaii.
Drew: Where?
Adam: Speak to the volcano god.
Drew: Wait, no, you live in Hawaii, there’s gotta be tons of therapists out there.
Amber: Yeah.
Adam: Really?
Drew: Are you kidding? People love to live out there. ‘No, no! I can’t live in Hawaii if I want to become a therapist, oh, no, that’s ah-‘
Adam: Those islanders don’t go to see shrinks. They just pray to ah, false idols.
Drew: They need shrinks out there.
Amber: (Bless her) Pele, the volcano goddess. (Girl after my own heart, sniff sniff. Yes, let’s all go listen to Tori now together!)
Adam: Well, they need ‘em, but they’re so busy uh, eating spam and uh- doing that flame dance, that they-
Amber: What?!
Adam: They love spam over there.
Drew: Fried spam.
Adam: It’s kinda how you know where the culture is, by the way-
Amber: It’s fried Snickers bars in Scotland.
Drew and Adam: (all interested) What?
Amber: They bread and like, deep fry Snickers bars.
Drew: What?!
Amber: Yep.
Adam: That I could kinda get into.
(Amber laughage)
Drew: Very interesting.
Amber: They deep fry everything.
Adam: Alright, find a new one. You don’t need a uh, shrink that’s nuttier than you are. Travis?
Travis (Caller): Yeah.
Adam: You’re 17. You ah, you orgasm in massive amounts?
Travis: Yeah, I just had sex like, four days ago. (Four days, seven hours, and thirty two minutes ago?)
Adam: Mhmm.
Travis: And like, I come like… massive amounts and it hurts really bad, it’s like… I just wanted to know what’s wrong.
Drew: Where does it hurt?
Travis: Just like, when it comes out, like, the whole penis.
Drew: It burns?
Travis: Yeah.
Adam: Oh, yeah. That’s pretty bad if it’s like-
Amber: Sounds like…
Drew: Does it hurt when you pee?
Travis: No.
Drew: Just…semen burns. Now, what does massive amounts mean?
(Yet another classy sound cue, lots of liquid splashing)
Travis: It’s like a lot, like, more than normal.
Drew: For you, more than normal?
Travis: Yeah.
Drew: So, all of a sudden there’s a lot more.
Travis. Yeah.
Adam: No, he doesn’t mean that. He doesn’t mean all of the sudden three’s a lot more. He means more- he just means a lot more than the average guy. Right?
Drew: How does he know what the average guy puts out?
Adam: Ah, I mean, I know.
(Amber laughs)
Drew: Yeah, but does HE know. I know YOU know.
Adam: Travis? Did more start coming out of you recently, or was it always that way?
Travis: Recently.
Adam: Oooh.
Drew: See?
Adam: So, you upped your-
Amber: (gives us a lil preview to next week’s musical episode and sings a little bit, ominously) Da da da dum…
Adam: production.
Travis: Yeah, I… yeah.
Amber: Sounds like he’s got, like- he’s come across something.
Drew: No, I don’t know what this is. I don’t know.
Amber: Could it be-
Drew: But if it hurts, it needs to be looked into…
Amber: Yeah.
Adam: Well, focus on the pain part, and… maybe it’s a sexually transmitted disease. Although if it hurt when he urinated, it probably…
Drew: Yeah. It’s possible. Then I also wonder if he’s talking about discharge instead of semen- you never know with these guys… our callers.
(Heeheehee! Amber snorted this cute laughy little snort. That was way too cute. I like her way too much.)
Adam: Well, the first- my first shot is always pus…
Drew: Yeah, me too.
Adam: And then second one is semen, the actual semen.
Drew: No, I mean my first guess with these guys. (Well, that’s a relief.)
(Amber is crackin’ up now)
Drew: Not that I actually put out-
Adam: Now, when I’m with the ladies, at first is pus, then semen, then urine.
Amber: And then blood.
Drew: And then you’re sold.
Adam: And then sawdust comes out. Then kitty litter. And then my soul.
Drew: How ‘bout the ‘POW’ flag?
Adam: Oh, then that flag, yeah. From Laugh In. It just says ‘BANG’ on it. Actually, it says ‘semen.’ Alright, we’ll take a little break. We’ll be right back.
(break)
Adam: Well, there it is. Where did the time go, everybody? I want to thank Amber Benson for coming in here tonight, and uh… pimpin’ the… Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Amber: Thank you guys for having me. (Julia snorts. Yeah! They wish. But don’t we all.)
Adam: Always good to see you.
Amber: You guys are fun.
Adam: Yeah, you’re a fun guest and we’re glad to have you. Come back anytime.
Amber: Thank you. Very much.
Adam: Bring your mom.
(uncomfortable silence)
Amber: Thaaaanks.
Adam: Okay.
(They both laugh)
Adam: Alien Ant Farm tomorrow night, everybody, and this is Adam Corrola for Dr. Drew saying ‘mahala.’
(Sound cue: The Ozzy clip again, with him stuttering, then a clip of Drew from earlier in the evening looped as he too stutters. Think Dr. Drew doing an impression of Elmer Fudd: “The uh-buh-duh-uh, buh-duh-uh abstinence message…”)
Time for Julia to go through Amber withdrawal now, but at least it’s Tuesday night and there is brand new Willow-Tara goodness on the way. That’s all folks!
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"That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!"
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