I think the words get in the way. Gay, straight, whatever.True story:
I used to eat crab. Had it fairly often. We'd have clambake type things with lots of crabs to shell, and I'd order crablegs at restaurants.
I don't really eat crab anymore. Lost the taste for it. Oh, every once in a blue moon I'll have it, maybe once every other year, but it's not the same, I have no desire to order it at restaurants or anything.
How do I reconcile my current feelings for crab vs. my past feelings? Did I not truly like crab before? I think my feelings were fairly genuine. I dont' know exactly what happened, I certainly tried to keep eating crab for a while after I didn't much like it anymore. I searched for, you know, really good crab. No dice.
The thing is, we have no words in our society for someone who used to really like crab but not anymore. Society doesn't care, the church doesn't care, my parent's don't care. I could go back to eating crabs tomorrow, loving them more than ever. I could swear off crab altogether, vowing never to have it again, pitying those who still eat it. I could be at a party, in just the right mood, and have some crab, and then wonder vaguely the next morning what I was thinking..and still society wouldn't care. Because it's a really minor, silly thing.
Sexual orientation is a big deal. Folks care. But I'm not sure the process is all that much different (I mentioned my crab weirdness because food and taste in food is as mysterious and individual and fundamental to being human as sexuality is, even though no one cares if I eat crab or not, it's still a very basic, universal human thing, hunger and appetite.)
Identity, action, and feeling are like three sides of a triangle.
Identity, the way you label yourself no matter what your parents say, or what folks keep assuming no matter how many times you protest.
Feeling, the internal knowledge, whether you like it or not, of what your heart and body are seeking.
And over there in the third corner, Action, the person actually in your bed, the letter you finally write and send, the Talk that thanksgiving, the gentle refusal or the enthusiatic assent.
So...are you gay or straight? And is this judging by actions? Well, except it's silly to say you're not gay just because you haven't been in a same sex relationship yet.
Okay, go by feeling...except, feelings change weirdly when you least expect them to, and maybe you act on them, maybe you don't.
Okay, how about going by Identity? Except..once you state it, or it's imposed on you...your parents probably aren't ever going to come up and say "Have you ever considered this whole gay thing? We think you should try it."
I know I'm being silly. (And if I annoyed anyone, really, I was being silly, I apologize in advance).
A good friend of mine is in agony right now bacause after being a very proud, outspoken lesbian for nearly twenty years, she's fallen for...a guy. So, she's confused (and not a little annoyed) about her feelings, trying to figure out what to do with her identity (and getting teased a little by her friends, yes we suck sometimes), and paralyzed into in-action (she wants to sleep with him badly..on odd numbered days anyway, she's horny and cranky and conflicted.)

-len
[This message has been edited by Hugin (edited May 11, 2001).]