New Fic - Neverland

[Cyteach]

I remember starting to read this fic long after the first post had been made. As I went through the massive amount of text, I experienced the gamut of emotions--from abject sorrow during the times Willow distanced herself from Tara to jubilent joy these last few updates when both ladies finally opened their eyes to the obvious feelings darting back and forth between them.

Like mentioned above, the level of angst in this story is immense; but this physically gut-wrenching action is what makes the story what it is--epic. I love to see updates, but then again I don't want the story to end, and so every new post leads excited glee but also to the eventual end--and that makes me almost as sad asthinking that this fic will never being finished.

I'm excited to see the action of Willow's coming out unfold and I have absolutely no doubt that angst and anguish will ensue.

You're an amazing writer (as I'm sure you are well aware of from the following this fic gets) and it is not just the story concept that is amazing--your images are also SO vivid. The text is absolutely flawless in terms of continuity of storyline, grammar, sentence structure and tense--and that is not something that is often seen for fanfiction stories.

Keep it up! I can't wait for more (but I'm nervous about the end too.... I think another 82 or so chapters will be enough for me

C.

[BeMyDeputy]

Heather,
RE: previous comments. You know, my kid sister’s a writer, and I remember her talking about how writing was a conversation with your reader. I didn’t really grok that until I started writing myself, and had conversations with dlline (who’s beta-ing for me) about how readers will bring their own stuff to what I write whether I like it or not. One of the things I bring to everything I read is a ridiculously academic and analytic background. Particularly anything to do with Buffy, because the source material is so full of all that stuff you read about in English classes, I see that sort of thing, whether or not the author intended them. Such is your burden, unless you stop me from reading. Which would make me sad.

A few other things from S4.

Oh that made me squirm. Like, a lot. Let’s see:

Willow and Tara get together (Yay! But not really a surprise.)
Willow (presumably) asks Tara into the closet. (Totally could happen)
Tara is willing to be dragged into the closet by Willow. (Check)
Tara is unwilling to discuss her relationship with/feelings for Willow to others without Willow breaching the subject first. (Check)
Buffy being isolated and resentful. (Check)
Return of exes making things bonus complex. (Plausible)
Gigantic social powder keg among the Scoobies that goes boom. (Fuse is burning)

That totally has me thinking that more may happen on the roof than I originally thought, with all the closet dancing.

So, the painting. I want it be Willow’s wet hand with the fog in the background. But if it is, I don’t know what the obscured but heart-skipping worthy bit would be.

Poor, poor Buffy. She has two best friends who are acting weird, and despite her efforts to try and figure out what the hell is going on, she’s continually rebuffed. She’s the only one telling the truth through all of this. I like that she recognizes that she’s pushing Willow too hard, but at the same time is desperate to make some sort of meaningful contact. And then talking to Tara, it’s surprising that there’s a difference in the way that Tara talks about Willow: I’m surprised Tara was ever able to talk to Buffy about her. I want to smack her a little though; we know that Willow identifies as gay, but dammit Buffy, it’s impossible your friend is bi? Wouldn’t that explain both Willow’s past and her pinging the hell out of Tara’s lesbidar? (Sorry, pet peeve.) I do really get this, though:

"But if Willow, my best friend, is gay..." Buffy trailed off. "Then I don't know her very well. In fact," she amended. "I don't know her at all."

I don't agree, but I understand why she'd feel that way.

Oh, Willow. I get what she’s doing w/respect to Buffy, and really, I’d probably in her spot be doing the exact same thing. Poor thing is so excited about her fog gazing date that she forgot that “dish” is a count noun, and therefore “fewer” and not “less” is the appropriate modifier.

Tara’s conversation with Buffy really made me think of the “I can’t talk about this” conversation with Oz in NMR. I love how quickly Tara has gone from “maybe she’s interested” to “we’re dating” to “she’s in love with me . . . maybe” in . . . what, like, a day? So adorable.

My initial reaction, by the way, was to throw my hands in the air and say “That’s it! If I’m to be lovingly and consensually abused, I’m going to go read ‘Please.’ At least then there’s sex.” So I did.

[tarawhipped]

I feel like such an ass for not leaving you feedback for so long, but damn you've been a busy lil bee! Every time I see this updated I think "gotta leave feedback this time," and then time passes and I see Pips leaving fb, and think "dammit, she's going to update again!" Funny how that happens. *cough*insideinfo*cough* There's too much to comment on, so I'll just pick out some faves from the last few chapters.[br]
From 56:

She shuddered as the thought ran her blood cold, the one thing she wanted most of all truly terrifying her with its proximity.

I really hope Tara doesn't faint the first time Willow kisses her, but having experienced that intensity once and turned into a raving spaz because of it, I won't be surprised. Wow, that one hit home.[br]

Xander had said she was going about things the way she was because she needed to be in control; that she felt that she could control the conversation she was about to have with her mother, with Buffy, maybe even Tara if she just did everything the right way.

I love your Xander so much more than the one on the show! This is the first time (that I can remember) you've hinted that the Big Reveal might not go down according to Willow's carefully laid out plan. Then I got sidetracked by an image of Tara and Willow being caught by Buffy and Sheila in flagrante delicto a la Rocky and Janet in Rocky Horror:

"Willow!"
"Mom!"
"Willow!"
"Buffy!"
"Tara!"
"Uh."[br]

And then in 57, Tara wondering if Willow knew they were dating...so touching and funny at the same time. How could anyone not know after this?

"I worried that I'd be in your way."
"I don't think that's possible," Tara said bashfully.

*sigh*

Finally, in 58, the tension! Oh dear lord, the tension! I really feel bad for Buffy, but I kinda want to punch her in the face, too. The fear of her friendships changing bringing up the turmoil of her family splitting apart is so understandable, but her desire to fix everything and everybody is only making things worse. I get her frustration with no one talking to her, but the whole 'I introduced my friend to my other friend and now they like each other better than me' is so middle school. I've been assuming that the Sheila conversation would go worse for Willow, but now...blah. Fix it!

Great work as always, Heather.

On a side note, have you actually turned Liz into a Giants fan, or has she been crying like a little girl since the Padres were eliminated?

[wayland]

Hi Easiersaid,

Brilliant update. About ten chapters ago I imagined both women still in the dark about eachother’s feelings until some kind of big revelation scene after Willow came out. Very melodramatic and not that satisfying, I realise now, when I compare it to the way you are actually unfolding the story. Sometimes I find a great build-up is let down by a facile resolution, but the opposite is true of your writing. It’s complex and believable, especially the way you show how their relationship won’t exist in a bubble, but will impact on other people.

I lost a lot of sympathy for Buffy in this update. Even if she were right and Tara’s feelings were unrequited, it serves no purpose forcing her to admit them, except to salve Buffy’s wounded ego. A more sensitive friend would never voice her suspicions, out of respect for Tara’s pride. Willow was wrong to avoid Buffy, but given what she’s facing, especially with her mother, it’s understandable. It will be a blow to Buffy when she finds out the truth, but maybe it will be good for her to ponder exactly why she’s the last to know. You’ve previously alluded to a strain of selfishness in her, (e.g. ignoring Willow’s work, leaving Anya to help Tara with legal issues) and that came to mind when reading this chapter. It was great that Tara stuck to her convictions and a very natural development of the last few days.

Thank you for explaining the green eyes painting. Sorry if I was nitpicking! Please take it as a compliment, as I just feel like I’m following every brush stroke and key stroke of these women through their days. The detail is very involving and the paintings are so significant to the story. It’s definitely part of Neverland’s charm for me.

I read this update after a very trying weekend away and it was a treat to come back and escape into Neverland. Thank you.

Clare

[Phoenix]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and thank you. First for the update, naturally. But mainly for this:

Buffy had years of stories she could tell to back up her thoughts on Willow's sexuality, intuition and observation that would mix together in such a convincing argument that Tara might even find herself swayed, were it not for her own intuition, and her own observations. That Willow didn't love Xander. That Willow wanted her. That Willow might be in love with her.

I'll admit. I had a moment of doubt and panic during Buffy and Tara's phone call. But I told myself to trust you as a writer and to trust your characterization of Tara and to trust Tara's faith in Willow--and how far these characters have come--and I was not let down! I know the girls both still have some big, big ifs in their respective vocabularies, but thank you for not raking them backwards over the well-trodden road of overwhelming doubt. I just can't tell you how wonderful and happy-making it is to watch them both set their eyes on that warm, brilliant, ever-approaching light at the end of the tunnel.

A few other things I wanted to mention. I loved the opening paragraphs of the chapter. I think it's no secret by now that we all love the way you write details. Some writers write details just for the sake of writing details. In your writing, there's always something so charming in lines like: "Arms full, she shuffled to the center of the room, the cuffs of her pants dragging on the floor around her sock-covered feet." Just a lovely little image there! And I loved your description of the painting once it was finished: "the still-wet canvas, the surface glistening and slick." Oh-so-nice. I love the way you can show me the painting without actually showing me the painting (which I really can't wait to hear more about!). It's like an exquisite form of black-box theatre: you let my imagination fill in the empty spaces, bringing me closer into the narrative. Just another of the many, many, many reasons I love this story!!

More miscellaneous comments:
While my inclination after this chapter was to say, "Argh, Buffy!", you wrote her SO well in that chapter a while back in which she was playfully verbally sparring with Dawn that I'm really excited to see how Sunday will unfold for Buffy and Willow. We all know Buffy can have her momentary wiggins (wigginses?), but she is nothing if not a steadfast, loyal friend. Very much looking forward to that conversation--for that reason and also because Willow really needs to stop ignoring her! Tisk tisk!

Also, I meant to say after the wonderful dinner-date update, thanks for giving Morgan a nice waitress. Morgan's a cool chick (now that I don't have to loathe her); she deserves a nice lady friend who's not Tara.

Lastly, wow, thanks for introducing me to Elbow. I've been listening to "Switching Off" on repeat. Gorgeous. (And the night after the park, eh? That "really, really great night" . . . hmm. Hopeful smiles for park flashbacks soon.)

Okay, that was lots of feedback, and no need to reply to all these ramblings--but such a well thought-out story deserves many, many thanks!

Now . . . bring on the fog!

[SickSadGirl]

Aww you're breaking my heart again! That was painful to read. Once again, the actions of each person make sense, but they aren't understanding how much they're hurting one another.

I can't say much about Willow, because I'm sure I'd be doing the same thing. But it still sucks seeing Buffy actually reach out, only to be avoided. Tara's defensive attitude was more reasonable, but still pretty mean. Buffy shouldn't have attacked her like that. She was basically accusing her of doing something wrong. Being in love with Willow isn't wrong, though!

I really hope the Buffy-Willow talk happens soon. It looks like it's going to hurt both of them, so the faster they talk, the faster they get past it. Or...I think so, anyway...

[WillowRulez]

She had a plan. Tomorrow her mom. Buffy on Sunday. Butterflies surged in her tummy.

Oh Willow, romance cant be planned like that.
Buffy, Buffyyyyy... stop ruining everything with your big mouth! Argh, she is so frustrating! Sure, she doesnt know what's up with Willow but does she really need to pester Tara?!

And it stung just as badly as if she had been slapped. "Can't." Tara left the word hanging, her voice vulnerable and bare.

Oh Buffy, you are so far out of line... and especially about knowing Willow so well, she is so wrong. She even said it herself. She will be really confused when Willow comes out. I am glad that Buffy didnt somehow change Tara's mind or her recent findings. Thank God for that. She could have destroyed any progress these two very making. And you cant blame her either. But we all know what it's like to be Willow and what it feels like when friends have these totally wrong perceptions about you.

They weren't just friends. They were more than friends, and the blonde wanted more than that. And Willow. Willow wanted more too.

Even though this update was really sad this made it worth all the heartache.
Next up: The fog???
I drop everything when I see an update from you. Keep it up, pleeaasse, I am dying here

[wolfsbane]

I started reading this fic a couple weeks ago, and oh my god how it drew me in. To be quite honest, I don't think I did any work until I finished this. The incredible language instilled a tangible ache in my gut (what I assume Tara and Willow are feeling.) The characters are beautifully written, making me see them in a deeper way than before. This is one fic I keep coming back to re-read.

I can't wait to see what coming out is like for Willow. I'm not necessarily ready to see this be resolved yet, because I don't want it to go, but damn it, Willow and Tara need to get together!

I noticed you mentioned TV on the Radio, who is my favorite band. Is it possible you could tell me what music you are thinking about for Willow's playlist? The songs seem really cool (and indy.)

~~Wolfie

[mstrykl]

REALLY GREAT UPDATE! ... Can't wait for her to tell her mom and Buffy, she's gay ... UPDATE VERY, VERY SOON!!!

mstrykl

[wolfiegoddess]

oh I can't wait for more of the story. So good =P

-wolfie

[singgirl]

aww look, first post just for this fic

[LittleBit]

Heather you blow me away with your amazing writing. In the space of three updates (thank you so much for them by the way) you have managed to weave your magic and I am once again transported into your world and can feel the emotions causing through your characters as though it was my own.

I only wish that I would get the bloody updates when you wrote them as opposed to randomly checking the board to see if you have posted ... and apparently missing them.

Keep up the fantastic work as I have never looked forward to a weekend more than this one!!!

[fhiwda]

Darling...another fantastic update. I love how you describe every single thought and feeling. It is developing the story more...however! I am ready for smoochies. haha

[vazy]

I love this story. Its a mix of so many amazing things. Its really well written and you feel with the characters. I think I nearly died when I spent last night and today reading it all only for it to cut out here! Please update soon?

[sapphoselene]

I just found, and read (without stopping except to potty and eat... lol) your amazing story. you have created such a delicious agony between the characters. my emotions have been fully invested in the lives that you created here. I love the intricate details that you include, because they bring the story to life. you are giving us a snapshot of their lives, and making it so real and believable. WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please (begging on knees) Please keep writing. I desperately need to see where this will end.

thank you for sharing your wonderful imagination.

[BeMyDeputy]

This morning there's fog in San Diego. Actual, thick, can't-see-to-the-top-of-the-hill fog that scares the crap out of SoCal natives.

And all I can think is FOG DATE! Squee!

[angieb86]

Even down here in Memphis we have some heavy duty fog...Well, it's definitely heavy for us, anyway.

I had the worst time trying to get home from the bar in the mess. You know how it is in Memphrica: We see any sort of precipitation, all of a sudden we forget how to operate a motor vehicle and there's total chaos in this city, LOL.

More than ready for the next update...Hope all is well.

Best,
Angela

[Grimm]

Foggy roof date goodness ...please???!!!???

[Mrs. Pineapple]

Aah, it's been one month! Pretty please update soon????
I'm impatiently waiting...

[Grimm]

Bring on da fog!!!

[shiraz]

Eagerly anticipating the rooftop fun! Bring It On!!

shiraz

[pipsberg]

Hey there I am late, once again. I chalk it up to wanting some time to stew over the update and be comtemplative about my response... yeah, that's it! *snaps fingers*

Another lovely update. This once seemed especially agonizing to me from the characters' perspective - Buffy reaching out to Willow, Willow mulling over how she can possibly talk to her and not TALK to her (about Tara), Tara taking Buffy's painful call... I just ached for these girls!! It was all very well done in that the emotions and tension were captured/conveyed to the reader very vividly.

This line especially got me:

"Tara," Buffy began, her voice tender. "I've known Willow since we were 15 years old." The line was quiet as the petite blonde obviously searched for the right words. "Don't you think I'd know if she were gay?"

Whoo boy!! Isn't Buffy in for an awkward, painful, gut-wrenching shock? I think Buffy not knowing her friend nearly as well as she thought may just be as painful as Willow not having lived her life openly. I very much look forward to watching you unfold this part (as much as I look forward to a very beautiful train wreck)!

I think the thing that amazes and awes me about this update, and really about every update you have ever written, is how well you manage to string these very detailed updates together where not a lot happens per se, but were we continue to learn so much about the characters and the different emotions flying around the story. It's quite impressive and I know I am not the only one as is evident in the rabid Neverland following Sometimes, it feels like a serialized gothic romance set in modern day...and gay. I super love that (even if it makes no sense to anyone but me)

Amazing job again and congratulations.... Oh, and more please! Love you xoxo

[Nephele]

Easier Said

Looking forward to the update. I've followed this fic for years and when I saw you pick it back up 11 months ago I remembered it instantly. I'm very happy you decided to finish it.

[ssc1980]

It's kind of comical how often I think about this fic. I'm sure living in San Francisco has something to do with it, but still. It's association with The Fillmore has been permanently burned into my mind (was just there last week to see Ozomatli), but it's also small things like laundromats, rainy weather, fog...

Looking forward to the next update. Happy Holidays!

[sadie]

I miss this Tara and Willow...

[zbelle]

I too am eager for an update and coming out of 5+ years of lurkdom to say so. I also want to say thank you for introducing me to Neko Case through this story. She is far and above the most amazing artist I have come across. My Neko obsession is completely thanks to you and your fab musical taste that you illuminate so well through your storytelling.

[inspiron]

Sorry to bump folks….

But I’ve just got to say that the radio stations here in Oz have been playing that Train song “Save Me San Francisco” like crazy at the moment, so typically I’ve been thinking of this fic on a daily basis. If a tell-tale sign of a wonderful story is when it works its way into the reader’s day to day life, then I say you’ve succeeded!

[nightmask]

please update soon I literally spent all vacation reading this fan fiction and it's freaking amazing

[EasierSaid]

Foomatic Hope you liked!

lonelylanding Yeah, I tend to do that, what with the drawing things out. It never starts out that way, but then my brain sort of meanders... Mad and sympathetic toward Buffy is probably totally right; she's in a really tough spot. I think regarding Willow's avoidance; she's just so nervous about coming out that it's sort of frozen some of the parts of her brain. She can't see beyond the coming out that other things might be going on, too. Hope you like the next update and thanks so much.

Sassette I felt silly writing the author's note because I know how much people are looking forward to the roof date, but that last update with Buffy calling, it just needed to be done. Yes, Tara painting, yes Buffy bulling and unfortunately to the torturing. It's totally not intentional, the torturing, just a by-product of how these two lovely souls are coming together. Life is so incredibly messy and filled with detours that anything too straightforward seems wrong - just forced and pat. I'm glad you liked that Tara knows what she knows. I honestly think the only one that can shake Tara's faith in Willow is Willow herself. That it comes down to Tara knowing Willow, yeah, probably. Mostly with trust. She's decided that she trusts her own gut and trusts Willow to keep her heart safe. It's a tricky gamble, considering how little actual information she knows, but she's being brave in taking it on. I think the Buffy-of-two-minds thing is something she'll be dealing with, for sure. I mean, it hurts to be lied to, and for that long, by basically everyone she loves, but she is also such a loyal friend that it's hard to imagine her totally cutting them out of her life or anything. Hey, I've come out over chat, too! Was to a dear friend and she was so understanding it made me wonder why I just hadn't told her in person. And yes, Tara is struggling. She is so attracted to Willow that this whole 'I'll be patient' thing is starting to seem like a sick joke to her. And she could never out Willow to Buffy, no matter if, as you pointed out, it may save both of them some heartache and embarrassment. I hear you on the heartbreaking, with Tara doing the whole closet thing; it's pretty hard to write, but I just keep remembering that S4 Tara - while a totally different, much lower self-esteem character - did it, and that a small part of this Tara has that stuttering, shy girl inside of her. Thanks so very much Sass.

angieb86 Yeah, it does feel nice to update without a whole year's gap in-between parts! And yes, the coming out is on the horizon. (If only a faint glow...) I'm glad you're enjoying the cuteness; they're cute when they are themselves, together. Famous last words, not minding waiting a little bit longer for the big coming out! I'm going to hold you to that. And great that you're enjoying Tina Dico - I hope the show is awesome. Thanks Angela. (And about the fog - everywhere I've lived, even SF, has freaked out about rain. It's silly, really.)

Mrs. Pineapple Yeah, I think at this point my rep around these here parts is: a) Takes for freaking ever to update and b) takes for freaking ever to get through a day. Tara needs four paintings for the show and she has three done. One more to go - hopefully she'll get 'er done. And yeah, Buffy is clueless about Willow's feelings, but why would she have a clue? Not like Willow's hinted at them before - she's been closeted for as long as she's known she was gay. But yay for Tara to keep trusting Willow and keep trusting herself. In her defense re: Buffy, before Willow moved in with her (and excepting the day in the park, etc.), Tara had like five years of only hearing about Willow from Buffy. I know my judgements on certain things are definitely biased by other people's perceptions, so only stands to reason that it would happen to Tara too. That she's able to move past them without any tangible evidence says a lot for her willingness to believe. Snuggles, you say? A definite possibility. And chapter 76 at the Beach Chalet, eh? This is turning into like a Willow and Tara love-themed game of Clue! Thanks!

Zampsa1975 Yay for Tara - she didn't get rattled, which I think would have probably happened if the conversation had taken place a few weeks earlier. I don't think Willow is going to change her mind about her plan—she's pretty dead set on her order—and interesting idea about Buffy calling Tara. We'll see! Hope you enjoy the fog gazing.

wimpy0729 Yeah, I think this story should be subtitled, "Not Simple." I guess I should take the torturing bit as a compliment - truly, not my intent to torture readers, just interested in closely following all the twists and turns that life is throwing at these two as they get closer. Willow not answering Buffy hurt my feelings, too. I thought about going another way with that, but it felt wrong and forced; her not replying really fit where this Willow is in time. She's just so incredibly nervous about doing the wrong thing that doing nothing seems more desirable. And Tara is now in the middle, though it was bound to happen. Buffy... it's going to be interesting. It's hard when you think you know someone to hear news that seems left fieldish, even if it's not bad news, per se. Yes, next update will definitely include the roof, promise! Thanks so much Wimpy!

BuffyFan4ever You are a strong woman to wait; I remember back in the day that if a fic was updated at 1 am I was reading it at 1:01am! (I was so tired in 2004...) Thanks very much. And yep, life is rarely smooth sailing. I think we all hope Buffy doesn't act that way to Willow. Of course, it's one thing to say something like that to Tara, a totally different thing to act it face-to-face to Willow. And yeah, Buffy was having a rough night. Your solution for Willow is totally reasonable; I think in her mind if she said something like that it would be a tease or a build-up, and she wants this to kind of be less dramatic, if that makes sense? Because if I were Buffy, I might not push but I'd be dying of curiosity. Amen about how far Tara's come. And sorry about the song, but you did it to yourself! Thanks again.

vampyregurl73 A tease? Well, I never! Honestly, just seemed like a conversation that needed to happen. And yes, the truth will set you free! You know those movies, where water starts bursting through a crack in a dam? That's Willow right now. She's dying to just get on with it, even though she's absolutely terrified of going through with it. It's tricky. And yeah, Buffy's reaction is going to be interesting. No doubt she's going to be hurt, but she's such a loyal friend... it's hard to picture her being too harsh. Nothing easy or straightforward - yup. Thanks!

dreamingstate47 Very cool about how you got started, thanks so much for sharing. I know what you mean about lacking self-control. Back in my pre-baby days, if there was an update posted late at night, I was staying up late reading it! I figure that's what coffee is for, right? (Though now, sleep takes the cake. I think Triscuit, Sass, lipkandy, tarawhipped, etc. could update all at the same time and I'd go to sleep. Chasing after a toddler sleep deprived is the opposite of fun.) Thanks so much re: Tara's painting. I hear you about fine arts. I wish I was able to paint; since I can't, I write about it. Glad that you find it interesting. Interesting that you like them talking about painting. Being of two minds re: Buffy - yeah, pretty much. I think regarding the texting; I think before Willow moved out they talked a lot, like kept each other company all day on IM, caught up on the phone a few times a week, etc., and for the last month it's really dwindled down to almost nothing. Has to feel sort of sudden for Buffy. Tara is totally trusting herself and Willow and letting Buffy's words slide. As for how Buffy will react with Willow - it's going to be interesting. Sorry no fog gazing in the last one; it's in this next one, for sure. Thanks again!

nimloth Thanks so much - very much appreciated.

DaddyCatALSO It is hard to talk to someone who has their own preconceived notions, and I think you're right that some people just choose to either lie to protect themselves from those preconceptions or just omit until they have a better chance to confront them. (If I'm reading you right.) I don't think Buffy is too thick headed (though we all know she has her moments). I think she'll be so much more fixated on how long she's been in the dark that the actual spilling of feelings will be a back burner issue for her. I'm not sure I get what you mean with where the characters come from. I have some ideas on back stories for characters like Anya, etc. but they're more for my own 'how do I write a character with the same basic structure in a world where there are no demons, etc.' and not anything I'd ever write up. (At least, not beyond what I've done as little background mentions here and there.) I think once the story is done, if anyone wants to ask about those I can try and shed a little light on what I had in mind.
And yeah, I agree that it is a little on the dark side now. It's not pretty, but I think it's actually not as bad as say, them leaving Morgan's party. Because in that moment Willow was sure Tara was going to hook up with Morgan and Tara was sure Willow was smarting over Xander. At least now, in their heart of hearts, Willow and Tara think the other is possibly in love with them. (If that makes sense.) Buffy is definitely petulant; I think that's one of the things about her character on the show that I liked most and least about her. She was seriously flawed in that regard and it often led to complicated relationship issues for her. And yes, Buffy is going to be seriously irked about being kept in the dark. This group is no doubt going to be rocked by secrets, and how much they care for each other will be the true test for how well they come back from it. I'm not sure Willow has a certain time in mind for coming out to Tara, which is kind of ironic if you think about it. Just, after her mom and Buffy, I suppose. When she actually will... just going to have to read on. Thanks!

writerfreak How about now? And questions - answers forthcoming... hopefully. (As in, I hope what I plan on writing satisfies your curiosity.) There will definitely be a write up of the day in the park; I'm guessing four to six updates from now? Just a guess, I don't have it mapped out but that sounds right. And Willow and Buffy. I think Buffy has her reasons for why she is so fixated on Xander and Willow; hell, maybe she thinks it's possible because she still carries a torch for Angel or something? (So, if she's pining for Angel, why couldn't Willow also be pining for Xander? Just a thought.) There are lots of internal biases that can make people see things that seem obvious a slightly different way. Thanks re: the update frequency. Doing the best that I can, given the time constraints, though, I'm still considering any break shorter than a year to be a personal victory. Thanks!

LonelyTara "You go on with your Thermos cup self." Ca-racked me up! Seriously, too funny. Thanks so much. Funny about beaming into the story, though poor Buffy. Petulant is a good word; I think she was feeling pretty petulant in that moment. I don't think she thinks she's abandoned Xander, just that he's not someone she goes to in a pinch like she used to. And I think both Xander and Buffy have been careful to make sure that whatever is going on with them does not spill over to Willow; that whole, don't want to put her in the middle type thing, our problems are our problems, etc. I don't think the three of them have been in the same place in like two years, so it's not like there's been an opportunity for any of them to observe how they interact. For all Willow knows, Buffy and Xander just aren't as close as they used to be because that's life and while that's sad, it happens. That said, Willow is deathly afraid that her coming out would be a catalyst for them to drift apart, like Buffy would be like, 'that's great Will' and then slowly call her less and less until they weren't talking at all. Totally Willow's nightmare, because it seems more real than Buffy just straight up rejecting her. I'm glad you were able to enjoy, even though it wasn't the roof. Roof in the next one, for sure. Thanks again.

Kajun Hurt? No, no, happy! See, with the them being happy at the end? No? Yeah, shame on Willow, but you know, I think for her right now that would be hard for her to type. It seems too false, like, everything's fine, la-de-dah, when she knows it's so not going to be fine on Sunday. As I've said to previous posters, I think in her mind she's so frozen by fear that it seems preferable to keep things at the bare minimum, which is basically coming off as nothing. And honestly, at this point BraveWillow is Tara-related only. Being brave with her mom and Buffy... she's basically waiting for the very last minute, there.
Re: Tara. I think her answer about Willow being busy was probably pretty sensible, she thought she was actually telling the truth and helping, but with not answering differently about being mad, I fear that's my fault. I pictured the conversation being very fast, with Buffy just running pell-mell through her lists of complaints and Tara barely able to keep up. Kind of like, "But I just think–" "Maybe–" "But–" etc. as Buffy cuts her off and doesn't really listen to her. If that didn't come off, totally my bad. As for the blatantly dismissing, I don't think Tara needed to say them; Buffy assumed them with her "gently letting you down" tone of voice. Buffy's questions, in my mind, were very rhetorical, I guess? Like, you don't need to answer, I know you do, but I'm asking just to give you the chance to say it. The admitting out loud - just going with the superstitious. Like in baseball, you never said "he's pitching a no-hitter" while he's doing it because it might not come true, like saying it aloud will invite the fates to have the next guy get a hit. I think Tara thinks if she says it out loud that it will not only not be true, but she'll look foolish for thinking it was true. (Does that make sense?) That's what I was going for, anyway.
Deep calming breaths are good. And feel free to share your guesses! Might be fun. And thank you for the book recommendation. They look super cute. (He loves, loves, loves to read, so books are always good recs.) Haha about sharing the talent; seriously, sweet, but do share. And I'm going to guess the WHOO HOO!!!! was for the Giants winning the World Series - I so hardily agree! Thanks so much!

sadie Thanks very much. Wonderful and frustrating - yep. Yeah, Buffy is not in a great spot, but neither are Tara or Willow at this point. Too many secrets. And answering 'yes' probably feels like the most monumental step, because even if they're sure, like really, really sure, it's still all a guess until Willow comes out and feelings can be shared. You're too right, the flirting is definitely not helping with being patient for either one of them; for Willow waiting to come out and for Tara to resist just planting a big ol' smooch on Willow. And yes, the power of Willow's smile can do wonders on Tara's short term memory. What phone call? Thanks again!

JustSkipIt Yeah, sadly pain is pretty much everyone's game right now. Your description about the ghost and the accidents is pretty much exactly how Willow is operating right now. She is so fixated on doing things right by her mom and Buffy, and so fixated on getting Tara to fall in love with her, that she just doesn't see that her actions are hurting people. Can't see the forrest for the trees. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes when she discovers how much damage has been done.
I think Buffy finding out is going to definitely be a gut punch. Willow being gay, okay, unexpected, but Xander and Willow outright lying to her is going to seriously sting. Tara lying... I wonder how Buffy is going to feel about that. Because part of her has to recognize that Tara might have been in a bad spot, being sort of in the middle. But finding out that Tara was carrying a torch for three years... yeah, that will hurt. It will definitely be hard for Buffy once Willow and Tara are happy, happy. I can't imagine the thoughts that would run through my head if I were in Buffy's shoes. Cause, at some point she's got to wonder if they didn't tell her because she's an awful friend. Ugh. Harsh, though hopefully in the end their friendship will weather the storm.
Thanks so much for the kind words about the writing; just relieved that it's not too boring or tedious! And yes, roof date next. I don't think even I could spin 2,000+ words about climbing a flight of stairs! Thanks Deb, and sorry about the Rangers. Next year!

WillowRTaraM1 HMPHH indeed! Thanks!

edob Amen.

truck_driving_magic_mama Hey Melissa. I'm glad you feel spoiled and hehe re: squeeing for updates. On fire? Blushing! I'm glad you like their interactions, and Tara trusting her feelings. I think the feeling of trusting Willow and trusting their growing relationship feels very natural, even though it's totally terrifying because what if it's not real. I'm glad you love Buffy; I love Buffy too. And yeah, I'm sad about her conversation with Tara too. I think Buffy's going to regret it. Sometimes when you're upset, conversations go to places you didn't think they'd go and you say things you wish you hadn't. I'm sure both Tara and Buffy are feeling that way right now. And though the ending is in sight, it's not ending any time soon. There is still soooo much to get through, and I don't want to miss a minute of it. Thanks so much.

SMGOVAN Yeah, Buffy is a bit on the self-absorbed side, but I think we all skirt into that territory when our feelings have been hurt. And so close, yet so far... maybe that should be the subtitle for this story. And chapter 83, eh. Thanks!

inspiron I'm glad the "not quite on the roof" note made you smile. It is a little how this story has gone, right? If only I could write in a straight, orderly fashion! Alas, my brain takes little side trips and we're left with thirty some odd updates to get through a week and a half. (Or whatever it actually is.) Yeah, I feel sorry for Buffy too. I'm glad you have complete faith in her. She really deserves more than what she's been given, and it's going to be a real test of her character to see how she handles every thing. And yeah, disappointment in Willow's behavior abounds. I think, for her, even "innocent" talk about shoes would lead to this conversation: "So Buff, how about those new shoes you saw in New York?" "Which shoes?" "The gay ones– Gray ones! Cause gay shoes, that's just, cause shoes aren't gay, only people are gay, like me. Me, with the gayness. How's Dawn?" Yeah good thing for Tara that she has fog gazing to look forward to or the night might be a bit grim. I think it'll always haunt her that she didn't confide in Buffy at some point (maybe not that moment, but certainly long before then). I'm looking forward to Buffy's meet up with them too; I think it'll be good for all of them to just talk. I'm glad you liked the chapter, even though it didn't have the fog gazing. And crash position - probably a good idea. Chapter 76, you say? Man, at the pace this thing is going I wouldn't be surprised. Thanks again, so much. (And very funny about that Train song reminding you of Neverland!)

sabina Thanks so much - I'm really glad you enjoyed the chapter even though it wasn't the now-infamous fog gazing date. It's a relief knowing that the journey of how they're getting places is interesting to other people besides myself! I think it's easy to step into Willow's shoes and see her avoidance for what it is, fear, even if it's probably not the best thing to do for all involved. Coming out is terrifying, there are so many doubts and sometimes the pressure to blurt it out can be so strong... she's really just going about things in a way that makes sense to her, you know? I think your plan for the roof and coming out would totally thrill Willow - that's just exactly how she wants things to go. Will they? Must read on for that. Interesting take on Buffy - she does have a strident streak and as we all know from the end of S4 how she communicates her opinions can sometimes grate other people. Should be interesting to see what actually happens. And yay for Tara trusting her gut. As I told Sassette and I think a few others, I think the only thing that can shake Tara's faith in Willow is Willow herself. Thanks again!

Cyteach Yeah, this story definitely has run the gamut of emotions. That's the main draw for me coming back even when life is busy; I just love spending time with these two as they find each other. Yeah, some of it is heartbreaking, but hopefully all of it is honest and somewhat realistic. Angst... yeah, but hopefully not manipulated. Just what happens when you're in love but uncertain, or when coming out. Life is hard, but so, so worth it. I'm glad you're excited about Willow's coming out - I'm super excited to write it, even though I'm very, very nervous. I want to do right by these characters. I hope the readers like it, but more importantly, I want to stay true to these two girls. And thank you for the very kind words about my writing, though, it's definitely not flawless! I've made tons of mistakes (anachronims, and grammar; see my feedback to Owl previously and BeMyDeputy below). That said, I really appreciate that you think I'm doing a good job. It really means a lot. And another 82 chapters! Let me get to 82 first, and then we'll see. Thanks!

BeMyDeputy Yeah, people definitely bring their own biases to the writing they read. It's one of the reasons why non-fiction accounts are often so controversial. Everyone remembers things differently, interprets things differently; things just resonate with all people differently. Two people who have had good vs. bad coming outs are going to see Willow's journey in this story totally differently. It's just a reality of life, and it's what makes these forums so fascinating. It's wonderful to see how each story (and update) on the board affects people. It is one of my favorite things about Pens.
Re: the S4 reference, I didn't mean it quite as literally as all that, though I see how it could match up. More, I meant how the characters reacted to certain things. So, what is 'in character' for a particular character for S4 is definitely different than S6. S4 Tara's reactions, way different S6 Tara, for example. I see their reactions being very S4 to some things. Will it be exactly the same? No, probably not, because these characters aren't those characters, but I have spent a lot of time thinking about S4/S5/S6 characters, motivations, etc. with regard to the next few updates (I'm not sure that makes sense, sorry!)
Re: Tara's painting, more on that in future updates. And poor Buffy indeed. I think with regard to the difference in how Tara talks about Willow with Buffy - it's more, she's less willing to talk about Willow at all now. So in the past Buffy might rant about Willow and they would have a conversation about it, but now, Tara voices being uncomfortable talking about Willow, or makes excuses for her, etc. Buffy is used to being able to vent and tease with her friend, and now it suddenly feels like she's rebuffed by someone who is more protective of Willow than she'd expect; Willow is off-limits conversations fodder, unless the conversation is very benign. As for considering Willow to be bi, I think Buffy has never seen anything from Willow to indicate that she's attracted to women. Not a "she's cute," nothing, so why would she think she was bi? And if she's willing to consider she's bi, why not lesbian? Buffy sees the Willow that Willow wants her to see, which has always been straight. Until Willow does or says something different, Buffy has not reason to change her perceptions. (Also, I think Buffy sees Willow as being like her, and she is straight.)
Less/fewer! It's the age old, 'how people use language' versus 'traditional language rules.' I know that for a lot of people, when they see less instead of fewer it's like nails on a chalkboard so, for you 'Eats, Shoots, and Leaves' people, I've changed it. (And for the dorky copyedit types out there, less can be used with count nouns, e.g. less than five minutes; it's when it strays into the much/many domain that grammar hackles are raised.) Hope that helps.
And is it okay that I has a sad that you feel abused by the story? And no sex? Did the dream scenes get mysteriously deleted? I'm wounded. But yes, definitely more sex of the punishment variety in 'Please.' Debra will be tickled to know you found solace there. Thanks.

tarawhipped CAM! I'm so, so, so happy to see you. I thought for sure you booted this bad boy way back in the aughts! And no need to feel like an ass, seriously, just happy you're here now. And another 'Pips has the inside info' bit. I swear, it's like she's psychic or something...
I wouldn't be surprised if Tara did faint. Or be like one of those fainting goats and go into temporary paralysis. Totally possible. I know what you mean about hitting home. I think we've all had at least one of those moments where you're like, 'this can't be real' because you want it to be real, so, so much. I'm so glad you like Xander - I really love writing him, and in a way that I thought he could have been on the show. Very funny Rocky ref. That would be great. And so true about them dating. It's obvious - now, Willow just needs to make it official. I hear you about Buffy. She feels like she's being squeezed out, and is pretty sure there is a reason, but no one will tell her what it is. I'm not sure which conversation will be harder for Willow. On the one hand, it's never good to feel like you're letting your parents down; on the other hand, Buffy is like a sister and Willow doesn't want to hurt her. Ugh. No good. And the 'Fix it!' reminded me of that SNL commentator on Weekend Update who comments on the economy and repeatedly shouts, 'fix it!' No? Funnier than I've just described. Thanks so much. (And no, she's definitely NOT a Giants fan, just a loyal NL West/NL in general fan. We don't talk about the end of the season. It was a dark, dark time, my friend. Well, for her at least. )

wayland Thanks very much. Your imagined scenario doesn't sound half bad. Besides, melodrama is all in the eye of the beholder. I'm sure there are plenty of people who think this story is ripe with it! I'm glad you find the story believable though. I try very hard to stick with who they are at their cores, good people, and let that guide where the story goes. I also try to remember that Buffy et al are not supporting characters; they have their own lives, and Willow and Tara are not their primary concern. So, Buffy is upset with Willow but she has other things on her mind: Dawn, work, her new relationship with Jim. I think remembering that helps with how they all interact with each other. Buffy's not there to advance the story, she's there because she's friends with each girl. (Does that make sense? I feel like it doesn't...) Who Willow and Tara are as people, and how they interact with each other, is the most important thing to me. There is no plot, just how these two find each other with all the noise that life throws out there. I try and remind myself of that when I write and the story takes turns that I don't expect or understand.
I can see how you'd lose sympathy for Buffy. I think she probably hung up the phone and just thought, 'what the hell am I doing?' More on her side of that conversation's resolution, etc. in future updates. And yes, Buffy does have a selfish streak, though it's mostly rooted in fear. (Which, I think sometimes was her problem on the show.) Willow's work, Tara's legal issues with her dad all remind her of Joyce dying, and losing custody of Dawn... it's hard, I think, for her to face that. Not an excuse, and she's going to certainly wonder why she wasn't confided in. I'm glad that you liked Tara sticking to her guns; it felt right. I initially had her very shaken, but that didn't feel right at all. So, rewrote it and it was way too far in the other direction, very 'Buffy can stick it,' which was again, so wrong. I was nervous about the balance she ended up with, but I hope in the end it worked. She's in a really tricky spot; it really boils down to Willow, at this point.
No problem about the green painting, and not nitpicking at all! I'm happy to explain, if I can, and that kind of stuff keeps me honest. I'm glad you like the painting; it's satisfying to hear because I really enjoy writing it. And glad to hear that this helped after a trying weekend. Thanks again Clare!

Phoenix Thank you. You know, I totally don't blame you for having a moment of doubt. I had about a billion when I was writing that update. But thank you for trusting me - and more importantly Tara - while she figures all of this out. (I hope that holds as the story moves forward...) I don't think it's possible for them to go all the way back to square one; they've just seen too much at this point. And yeah, while the light at the end of the tunnel is visible, it's still dim. Still so much ground to cover. Thanks very much about the details. It's really nice to hear. I like detailed stories, I like to really feel like I know what the characters look like, how the room looked, etc., so I'm glad my attempts at writing the same are resonating. And I'm really glad you feel like you can fill in the empty spaces; that's just awesome. I love stories that let you live in them, you know? Thanks re: Buffy; you're right, she is prone to the odd wiggins, but she is steadfast and loyal at her core. I'm glad you're looking forward to their conversation; I'm looking forward to it too. I like to write Buffy and I haven't had much of a chance to write Buffy and Willow talking to each other. And another vote for the waitress! I think Morgan deserves some happy too, though, I'm not sure the waitress is the right one for her. (Don't ask me why it feels like this...) And yay for Elbow! Aren't they wonderful. I so, so, so love them. I don't think there is a song or album of theirs that I don't completely heart. I hope you get a chance to really give all of their stuff a go. Just awesome. And flashback of the park coming up in like, four to six updates. (Not sure when, exactly, but that seems right.) Thanks!

SickSadGirl Aw, I don't mean to break hearts, honest! I'm glad their actions make sense, even if they are dummies for doing them. And yes, Willow's avoidance really hurts; Buffy has got to feel pretty dissed. Buffy's tone was pretty accusatory; I think looking back she'll feel pretty awful about it, because as you point out, being in love with Willow isn't wrong. (Even if Buffy believes Willow is straight, it's not wrong, just... unfortunate, I guess, and I think she knows that.) I think you're right that the Willow-Buffy talk is going to hurt both of them - probably Buffy moreso - but the sooner it is over the sooner they can start to move past it. Thanks so much!

WillowRulez Amen. Willow is trying to schedule romance like a business meeting, but as she's finding out, love doesn't work like that. And I think the answer to does Buffy need to pester Tara is no. Something I'm sure she figured out after she hung up the phone. Glad you liked that Buffy wasn't able to sway Tara. Really, the only one who can at this point is Willow. I'm glad that little bit made up for the heartache. Fog, yes, in this next update. And drop everything? Only if it's not fragile! Thanks so much.

wolfsbane No work? Hopefully that was okay with the bossman/teacher person. Thanks very much for the very kind words. I'm really glad the story is resonating with you. I hear you on not wanting things to be resolved yet at the same time desiring the girls to just get together already. Can't tell you how many times I have felt like that reading stories on this board, though, I usually get so sucked in that my impatience fades. I'm a sucker for the journey! And alright, alright about TV on the Radio - very cool. You know, in my previous round of feedback I had the listing of Willow's Real Me CD to date, so definitely check that out. The music is not for everyone, but I'm happy that for the most part it's held up for me. Thanks very much.

mstrykl Yeah, I think just about everyone is ready for her to just come out already. Thanks very much!

wolfiegoddess Thanks wolfie! (And yay for your first post. Welcome!)

singgirl Pretty cool - love that people are still signing up for the board, ten years in!

LittleBit Thanks so much! I'm glad you've been enjoying. I know what you mean about the updates. I think there is an email notifier (I seem to have seen comments referencing something like that), but I'm not sure how to set it up. I'm old school, I just stalk and/or hope I notice a story being bumped! Thanks again.

fhiwda I think everyone is ready for smoochies. (Seriously, Willow and Tara themselves might have to take a number, at this point.) Thanks for the very kind words - very appreciated!

vazy Ah yes, the dreaded, "read an unfinished fic in one go, wtf, where's more?" disorder. I appreciate the compliments, really means a lot. Thanks!

sapphoselene Wow, another read-right-through person! That's tough work, this is a loooong story! Thank you for the very kind words. I'm glad you like the details. And never fear, baring some catastrophe I'm finishing this story, hell or high water. (How long it takes to finish, however, is another story! )

shiraz Consider the roof date brought! Thanks!

pipsberg Just think, this next time you're late you can blame it on Civ! Yeah, this last update was pretty achy. Buffy is indeed in for a gut-wrenching shock. I can't imagine how hard it is going to be for her. She's so loyal, but how loyal is she going to feel when she realizes everyone lied to her. Willow, Xander, Tara - not a lot of truth flowing, and Buffy seems to be the one person who could really use a little truth. Thanks re: the detailed; I think my MO is, not much happens, but a lot happens at the same time. I'm really interested in the why and the how, and I don't want to miss a second with these characters, even though it is more than probably needs to be covered. And serialized gothic romance... I think that's your story! (Victorian... maybe?) Thanks so much, as always, very much appreciate your POV. Love you xoxo

Nephele Thanks so much. I'm really happy I decided to finish it too!

ssc1980 Oh, I'm sure living in SF has tons to do with it. (And, jealous!) So cool that you saw Ozomatli at The Fillmore, that's definitely a show I'd like to see. I have so much fun including the city in this story - I love SF so much - and I'm pleased as punch you're enjoying too. Thanks so much, and a belated happy holidays to you too!

zbelle 5+ years of lurkdom! Wow, that's a lot of lurking! Welcome - hope you stick around and delve into some of the other stories on the board. So many incredible authors and tales. You're totally welcome about Neko Case; she's so insanely fabulous, everyone needs to know about her! Really appreciate the kind words - thank you, thank you.

nightmask Thanks so much! Update immediately follows.

[EasierSaid]

Title: Neverland
Author: EasierSaid
Feedback: Yes, please.
Spoilers: None.
Setting: AU. There is no Hellmouth, there is no slayer and no magic of the wicca variety. Just our girls and the rest of the Buffy characters living and loving in that great city by the bay, San Francisco.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Please don't sue me Mutant Enemy.
Notes: Aaaand that happened.


Thoughts in italics

PART 59

The air was crisper than they thought it would be as they emerged onto the roof, arms full of supplies, the fog thick and swirling around them. Willow shivered slightly and was instantly grateful that Tara suggested layering warm winter sweaters over their long sleeve tops.

They were relieved to find a large spot without standing water for their impromptu fog gazing. Tara laid out a tarp that she thought to bring, then held the pillows and spare blanket while Willow unzipped the sleeping bag.

"So who called?" the redhead asked, industriously spreading the unzipped sleeping bag onto the tarp. "I thought I heard the phone ring earlier."

"Oh." Tara's brow furrowed as her previous conversation with Buffy flashed through her mind. The blonde looked to her roommate and her heart swelled. The redhead looked so happy, her hands smoothing out the sleeping bag, the fog surrounding them warmly glowing from nearby lights. "It was a w-wrong number," Tara said with a small smile. Her stomach twisted, but she pushed her conflicted feelings aside. Worry had no place in this moment.

Willow propped herself up on her knees and gestured for the blonde to give her the wool blanket with a bright smile. "Well, I hope they at least apologized for calling so late."

The blonde smiled, further relaxing. The redhead was just so cute. Tara shuffled the pillows in her arms to hand over the blanket. "How was your goofing off?"

"Fine," Willow said with a shrug. She laid the wool blanket out over the sleeping bag and held out a hand to Tara. The blonde offered her the two pillows and then knelt down beside her. "Just read some news and gossip sites."

"Gossip sites?" Tara asked, amused, as she pushed the wool blanket to the side and sat cross legged on the sleeping bag facing the redhead.

"Yup," Willow said, tossing the pillows side-by-side at the head of the sleeping bag and reaching to her side for the Thermos. "Rene Zellwegger is taking a break from acting."

"Why?"

"I don't know," the redhead replied, popping off the cap and unscrewing the Thermos stopper. "But she looked suitably inconspicuous in her baseball hat and sunglasses in the night picture they posted with the article."

"I think I would um, fall down, if I tried wearing sunglasses at night." Tara smiled bashfully as she watched Willow work.

"Me too," the redhead said with a smile as she poured the first cup of cider, steam rising from the cup and disappearing into the fog above their heads.

"Cider making go well?"

"You'll have to tell me," Willow said. She offered the cup to her roommate, the metal mug already warm to the touch.

The blonde took the warm cup and smiled as the redhead arranged herself cross legged across from her. Tara blew gently across the top and then took a tentative sip. "Perfect," she said, as the spicy sweet liquid slipped down her throat. "And, very very hot." She laughed lightly and handed the cup back to her roommate.

"Sorry," Willow said, wincing.

"It's okay," the blonde said with a wide grin. "No burning."

"That's a relief." The redhead smiled again and took her own tentative sip. "Oh yeah, that's hot."

"Maybe let it sit for a bit without the stopper," the blonde suggested. "Let it cool down some."

"Good idea," Willow replied, removing the stopper and setting the container off to the side. She gently placed the cup between them, careful not to spill.

The girls smiled at each other and bashfully looked away. Willow tipped her head back and watched as the fog blew past them, the gray mass undulating in the light wind. Tara's eyes trained on the lip of the roof, and the yellow glow that shone like a spotlight into the sky. She knew from prior experience that if they ventured to the roof's edge to peek over the side that they wouldn't be able to see the street below, and the cocoon-like feeling made her smile.

"You know, I know it's just condensed water vapor," Willow started, bringing Tara's attention back to the girl sitting opposite her. "Little, tiny drops, swirling around in the air, but it's so pretty." The redhead sighed and looked from the sky to her roommate. "Growing up we had fog—well, marine layer—in Sunnydale sometimes and I always thought it was kind of funny. Fog. Sunny, dale. Seemed ironic."

"The infamous, 'June Gloom,'" Tara said with a sage nod.

"Or, 'May Gray,'" the redhead said with a smile. "I wonder where they came up with the word, 'fog.' It doesn't have a weathery kind of origin. It's not like it sounds like cloud, or something. 'Fog.' Where the heck did it come from?"

"Maybe they just got tired of saying, 'thick mist,' or, 'low cloud,' and wanted something shorter."

"Probably," Willow said with another smile. "Did you know that the fog in San Francisco is a special kind of sea fog?"

"No," Tara said, reaching down and lifting the Thermos cup to her lips for another sip of cider. She blew gently, the steam dampening her face, before taking a tentative sip.

"It's a special kind of advection fog. The water is cool enough to lower the temperature of the air to the dewpoint, and boom, fog."

Tara swallowed and handed the cup to Willow. "I like foggy nights because you can hear the fog horn from the Bay." The blonde shifted, pulling her knees to her chest as the redhead took a drink of cider."I always thought it was sort of, romantic and mysterious. I was worried when I moved from the Panhandle that it would be too far away, but I can still hear it once all the other noises go to sleep."

"It's because sound carries further in the fog," the redhead explained. "Fog amplifies sound. It's why you can hear the horn all the way down here." Willow finished speaking and dipped her head. "Sorry."

"For what?" Tara asked with a slight tilt of her head.

"Being nerdy on such a pretty night." The redhead looked up, sheepishly.

"Not nerdy; smart," the blonde said with a bright smile. "Besides, now I'll have something to say when Kaboom is fogged out next year and we can still hear the fireworks."

"What's Kaboom?" Willow asked. She poured a little more cider, the steam dancing up over her hand where she held the Thermos.

"A big firework show that one of the local radio stations puts on every May." The blonde couldn't help but smile as she watched Willow. "It's really cool. Very crowded. Buffy and I went a few years ago, but now we just try to catch it from the roof. With, varying degrees of success," she tacked on with a half smile.

"Cool." Willow looked down and picked at a seam in the sleeping bag. "Maybe next year we can go."

The thought of the redhead's bright face tilted skyward, her skin lit up with flashes of color and her eyes dancing with joy at the sight of sparkles made the blonde's heart skip a beat. "I'd like that," Tara said, her voice clear and sincere.

Willow looked up and smiled, relieved that another invitation had been accepted. She briefly dipped her head and softly cleared her throat. "You know, this is only the second time I've been up here?" The blonde shook her head. "The other time was when you showed me on the move-in tour." The redhead picked up the cider and took a small sip.

"It's really nice on a warm day," Tara said.

"Yeah, I'm really starting to doubt that there will ever be another nice day again," Willow said as she handed the cup over to the blonde.

Tara chuckled as she took the cup. "It has been sort of, Noah's Arkish."

"Sort of?" the redhead asked, her eyebrows raised.

"But we got a break tonight," Tara said, taking a sip and wrapping her fingers around the cup for warmth.

"True," the redhead said. She balled her hands up in her sweater sleeve for warmth and tilted her head back to watch the fog sprint past them, the wind slightly picking up. After a long pause she returned her gaze to her roommate and spoke. "Thanks again for doing this. I know it's dumb. And cold."

"It's not dumb," Tara said softly. "Cold, yes," she joked, both girls laughing. "It's silly," the blonde said, placing the cup between them. "But, I like silly."

Willow smiled and arched her neck as her gaze drifted skyward. She let her eyes unfocus and she stared at the moving fog. Disembodied sounds of the city filtered up to them; the sounds of people speaking as they walked by below, traffic from blocks away. The sounds would appear suddenly before fading away, and once gone the girls would find themselves tucked back into the ghostly quiet cocoon. The fog was lit up around them like a halo, streetlights and other ambient light turning the edges of the roof's gray blanket yellow and warm. It was spooky and secure at the same time, and Willow realized she probably only felt safe because she was with Tara. A slight, soft smile graced her lips at the thought.

Tara watched the whites of Willow's large eyes dart from side-to-side in the low light as the redhead obviously tried to follow the fast-moving fog with her gaze. After a long moment, Willow spoke. "Do you wear a hat?"

"When?" Tara answered, completely unfazed by the apparent tangent as she affectionately gazed at the redhead's skyward profile.

"When you come up on the roof when it's sunny," Willow answered, dropping her eyes back down to take in the blonde. She pictured Tara sitting in a low lawn chair, a book in her hand and a wide brimmed straw hat on her head.

"No," Tara smiled, marveling at the twists and turns Willow's brain took. "Just lots and lots of sunscreen."

"Me too," the redhead said with a smile as she picked up the Thermos cup. "When I go out in the sun, sunscreen for me too. Unless I want to be one big freckle, it's sort of necessary." She took a long sip. "Fair skin: The bane of every redhead's existence"

"It's better, though," Tara said as she watched Willow cradle the cup in her lap. "For us, being fair skinned? No nasty skin cancer surprises later."

"That's true," Willow said. "Though, I think we're starting to border on becoming definite candidates for frostbite."

The blonde giggled. "Told you we'd need the blanket." She tucked her legs under the wool blanket and waited for the redhead to do the same. Willow quickly drank the rest of the cider and put it back with the Thermos before putting her legs under the blanket. Once under, Tara pulled the cover up to their waists.

"Much better," Willow said as she shifted to get even more comfortable, her hip nearly touching the blonde's. "Why didn't we do this when we first came up?"

"I don't know," the blonde chuckled. Silence settled between them, the sound of tires splashing on the puddle-filled road below reaching their ears. "So um, what else have you not done since you've moved here that you'd want to do?" Tara finally asked, as she turned her head to face the redhead. Their shoulders brushed together and both girls lightly blushed.

"Lots," Willow answered.

"Hmm, examples?" Tara asked with a warm smile.

"I haven't been to Coit Tower," the redhead said. "I'd like to see the murals."

Tara nodded. Her heart beat wildly, suspecting that Willow was referencing a conversation they had many years before.

"And Sutro Heights," Willow continued. "Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. I don't know, I just feel like the only things I've seen are restaurants and stores."

Buffy, Tara thought with a sad smile.

"I mean, I don't need to do the whole, tourist, thing," Willow said. "But it would be nice to see some of the sights. And maybe even something unique."

"The new De Young museum, in the park," Tara said. "It's not finished, but I sometimes like to go and look at the construction."

Willow smiled softly as she imagined the artist sitting and watching the building take shape. "Is it in the same place as the old building?"

"Yeah," the blonde confirmed with a gentle head nod, warmth spreading through her as she remembered their day in the park. "The new building is really pretty; it's being covered with these dimpled, copper plates, and the copper is going to change color over the years so it'll always look a little different every time you visit."

Willow's curiosity was piqued. "It'll oxidize."

"Exactly," Tara smiled. "There's going to be an observation tower; you'll probably be able to see the ocean. I can't wait to go inside." She looked up and smiled. "I think you'd like it."

The redhead smiled. "When's it opening? The museum."

"Next fall, I think," the blonde said.

"We should go," Willow said. "Together."

Tara nodded and smiled. Silence settled back around them. "We um, we have lots of plans," the blonde said tentatively. She caught Willow's eye and half smiled. "Backpacking, the Beach Chalet..."

The redhead looked down and spoke hesitantly. "Is that okay?"

"Yes," the blonde said, smiling brightly.

Willow looked to her hands, a wide grin plastered on her face. "I'm really glad that we're hanging out." She looked up, meeting the blonde's eye.

"Me too," Tara said. They smiled for a moment before looking away.

Willow sighed happily and moved to lay on her back. Once prone she shimmied to get more comfortable, the fog pushing into their space with an almost frantic energy. Finally still, she took a deep breath and exhaled. "We should do this every night," she said, the grin still wide on her face.

"That would be fun," Tara said, amused as she looked down to her roommate laying beside her. "But, you um, you sort of have plans, already, tomorrow."

"Oh," Willow said, her smile faltering. "Right."

Tara looked back to her hands, unsure of how to proceed. She hadn't planned on bringing up Willow's weekend plans for fear of unsettling the redhead, but now that she had... After a long moment of silence, the blonde lowered herself and laid down shoulder-to-shoulder with her roommate, resting her head on the pillow beside Willow's and turning her blue eyes skyward. "What time are you meeting your mom?"

"Six, I think," the redhead said, a slight quirk in her brow. "I have to check the latest email again, she kept changing the time." She paused. "We're meeting at the Marriott across from the Metreon."

The blonde noticed the change in Willow's mood and regretted the more serious turn their evening was taking. "There's a sports bar on the corner, they make the best french fries," Tara said, trying to steer the conversation back into safer waters. "I mean, not that you'd take your mom to a sports bar..."

"Probably not," Willow said with a shy smile, trying to imagine how Tara had found herself in a sports bar. Probably with Buffy and one of her dates... "But for future reference, good tip."

"Maybe the next time you have a meeting at the Four Seasons you can grab lunch there," the blonde suggested.

"The Four Seasons?" Willow asked confused, her brow deeply furrowed.

"Yeah," Tara said, looking over, her own brow lightly furrowed in confusion. "Didn't you have a meeting there a couple of weeks ago?"

"I did?" Willow said, before remembering the excuse she had used for her lunchtime gallery excursion weeks earlier. "I did," she amended, her eyes wide. "Yup. Good ol' Four Seasons."

Tara's brow quirked again and she smiled. "The sports bar is about two blocks away."

"Again with the good tip," the redhead said with a contrite nod.

Quiet settled between them, and Tara swore she heard Willow sigh. She waited a long moment to see if the redhead would speak, and when she didn't, the blonde turned her head and took in her roommate's profile. "So are you excited? To see your mom?"

Willow shrugged, her frame tense. "Yes. Sort of." The redhead lightly shook her head and sighed. "It's complicated."

Complicated... Tara swallowed hard. "Willow," she said softly before pausing. "Are you okay?" the blonde asked apprehensively. "You seem, um, you seem, nervous, about seeing your mom..."

"I am," the redhead admitted, her blood running cold with nerves. Just stick to the plan... She puffed out some air and forced a small smile to her lips. "I love my mom, but she's soft of, hard to deal with sometimes."

"Oh," Tara replied quietly.

Silence settled between them, neither sure of how to proceed. After a long moment, Willow glanced over and began to speak, her voice honest and vulnerable. "My mom has this idea about what is right, like she knows better than I do what is good for me, what my life should be like."

Tara shifted her head and looked at the redhead.

"It's like, if it's worked for her, well, why wouldn't it work for me?" The redhead shook her head. "And it's everything, you know? It's, how to cook something, or what laundry soap to use..." The girl sighed. "She's really pressuring me to buy my own place, even though I'm not sure I even like the places I've seen. I'm 'too old' to have a roommate," she grumbled. The blonde continued to watch her roommate and Willow's voice softened. "My mom met my dad late, well, later, in life, and I think she's always regretted not having that relationship earlier, when she was my age." She paused. "She puts a lot of pressure on me to have someone. Always asks when I'm going to meet my husband and get started on the next stage of my life. Like my life is worthless without that." The redhead paused. "She says she's worried that I'm lonely."

"Do you feel lonely?" The blonde asked quietly, the fog horn bellowing in the distance punctuating the question.

The redhead shrugged. "I used to. But now, not so much. I have people at work I like, and Buffy." She paused. "I have you." The blonde smiled softly. "I think, I'm almost happy."

"Almost..." Tara gently led.

"Almost is pretty good for me," Willow replied as she turned and looked to her right with a warm smile.

The blonde gently pushed. "What would make 'almost,' 'all the way?'"

You, Willow thought immediately. She smiled bashfully and turned her head, her eyes pointed skyward. There was a long, awkward pause, Willow struggling to find safe words, Tara waiting for an answer. "I sort of, wish it wasn't foggy now that we're up here," the redhead finally said, her face flushing red at her cowardice. "I would have liked to have seen 'The Big Pineapple'." Her face burned hot as she changed the subject, and she could feel the blonde's intense gaze on her profile.

"Another night," Tara said, her voice soft as she took in the redhead's flushed cheeks in the darkness. Willow smiled at her and she smiled back, allowing the avoidance to slide. "I'll even show you 'Moose Getting a Sponge Bath.'"

Willow broke into a wide smile. "There's a constellation called 'Moose Getting a Sponge Bath?'"

"Uh huh," the blonde said, aware that she had just relieved some of the redhead's tension by not pushing about the subject change. "It's sort of misleading though; it's actually a bison."

The redhead smiled even wider. The day in the park. "Are there others? Constellations, I mean?"

"A whole sky full of them," the blonde said softly, her voice almost a whisper.

The redhead rolled over on to her stomach, her eyes looking down on the blonde, their bodies practically snuggled together.

"And you'll teach me?"

"Of course," Tara said, her heart hammering in her chest as Willow nearly hovered over her. "You can't go through life without knowing 'Short Man Looking Uncomfortable.'"

"Also misleading?"

"No, he really is short. And uncomfortable."

Willow silently opened her mouth in an amused, 'ah.' It took a moment before she realized Tara's hand was holding her left arm, just above her elbow, and that the blonde was lightly rubbing her thumb in small circles over the redhead's sweater. It was as if she had been struck by lightening. She could kiss her. Willow felt her pulse quicken. She could lean down and kiss the blonde, a soft, sweet kiss that could lead to so much more. But it wouldn't be fair to Tara. To start things this way, with her still in the closet. It would be so unbelievably selfish. The redhead took a settling breath. A kiss would have to wait.

Tara watched a mess of the emotions rip across Willow's face. The girl seemed so vulnerable, so lost. The blonde spoke quietly. "Is there anything I can do to help? With your mom?"

The blonde's gentle voice snapped Willow's attention back. She shook her head, and then reconsidered. "Maybe a hug, after she leaves?"

Tara nodded. "How about one now, too?"

Willow briefly hesitated before nodding. She sank down into the blonde's offered, open arms and melted into her side, the stress of what was about to come folding up inside her and tucking away for another day. Tara took a deep breath and held it, her arms wrapping around the redhead's slender frame, Willow's fiery hair spilling over her shoulder as the girl's thin hand squeezed her around her middle. The blonde closed her eyes and quietly exhaled slowly, her hands rubbing light circles on Willow's back. The redhead shifted slightly, and they settled into a warm embrace, neither willing to give up the shared comfort they had found.

Willow closed her eyes and allowed herself to be held. She tentatively draped her arm over Tara's waist and lightly cupped the blonde's hip, luxuriating in the light touches the blonde was offering. The touches and the embrace were alternatively arousing and comforting, until it came to the point where the comfort won out and they just were; two souls, holding on and just being.

After a long moment just hugging, Tara finally spoke, her soft voice caressing the crown of Willow's head. "So where are we going in Europe?"

"We can start in England," Willow murmured, relieved that the hug didn't have to end. "Visit Giles."

"Have mushy peas," the blonde teased.

"No mushy peas," the redhead said with a mock shudder.

"No mushy peas, check." Tara confirmed. Her fingers still lightly danced over the material of Willow's sweater.

"I'd like to go to the Natural History Museum in London, though."

"Okay," the blonde said with an agreeable nod.

"I've seen pictures; it looks really pretty."

"I like pretty," Tara said tenderly as she reached up and gently stroked the tips of Willow's hair.

The redhead slightly shivered. "We could go fog gazing in London."

Tara grinned widely. "A world tour of fog gazing." She dropped her hand back to tickle Willow's back and she felt the redhead further relax.

"We could get shirts," Willow said, enjoying the gentle touches. "Like for a touring band with all the cities we fog gazed in on the back. You could paint a special fog picture to put on the front and it could say, 'Fog Gaze, two thousand whenever we go'."

The blonde lightly chuckled. "You know, it's funny because I actually do paint fog."

"Really?" Willow asked intrigued as she quickly propped herself up onto her elbow.

Tara nodded, her fingers loosely wrapped around the redhead's tricep. "Every Friday for practice."

"You painted fog today?"

"Uh huh," Tara said with another nod, her left hand gently stroking Willow's arm. "That's actually what I was doing when I rushed off after dinner. I mean, I had painted fog already today, earlier, but I just sort of added a few things to finish it up."

"Can I see it later?" The redhead asked hopefully, her free hand playing with the hem of Tara's sweater.

The blonde's eyes narrowed. "I don't know, can you?" She teased.

"May I see it later?" Willow corrected, stilling her hand but otherwise completely unfazed by the correction.

"Of course."

Willow nonchalantly settled her head back onto Tara's shoulder. "What's it called?"

"Nothing yet," Tara said, thrilled that the redhead so easily returned to her embrace. "Do you. Do you want to name it?"

"Oh, that's," Willow stopped, momentarily speechless. "That's really sweet, Tara, but that's, way, way, too big of a job."

"It's really n-no big deal," the blonde blushed. Shouldn't have offered... There was an awkward pause. "So where else are we going in Europe?"

"Rooftops."

The blonde's brow quirked. "We're going to see, rooftops in Eur–"

"For your painting," Willow clarified. "As a title. 'Rooftops.'" Tara smiled. "And Paris."

The blonde's smile grew. "We'll definitely visit Paris."

They slipped into an easy conversation about the sites they'd see, never moving from their shared embrace. Gaudi's architecture in Barcelona, Cinque Terre in Italy. They discussed famous spots and hidden gems, man-made obelisks and natural wonders for more than an hour until the redhead's speech became slow and slurred, her words turning to mumbles and mutters in the growing darkness. A long, quiet moment just holding each other was broken by Tara's near whispered words.

"You know," she said, a smile in her tone. "We're going to have to win the Lotto to be able to afford this trip."

"Mmm," Willow replied, her eyes heavy, her limbs slack.

Tara shifted slightly and looked down at the mess of red on her shoulder. "Hey," she said softly. "Are you getting sleepy?"

"No," the redhead slurred.

It was the least convincing 'no' Tara had ever heard. The blonde smiled softly and moved her head back to stare at the sky, the fog swirling past them, both bright and dark at the same time. Not even a full minute later Willow was out, her body completely limp in the blonde's arms. Tara savored the feeling, relished the unguarded time, and she held the redhead in her arms as she herself closed her eyes to rest under the fog-covered sky.

******************************************

She woke with a drop of rain splashing against her cheek.

Tara blinked as another drop hit her face, wet and full, the water splashing up into her eyelash. She tentatively opened her eyes and saw Willow in the darkness. Asleep, peaceful. And a few inches from her face. The blonde started to lean forward and froze, realizing with terror that she was about to nuzzle a kiss into the redhead's forehead. The fantasy of touching Willow was so close to being a reality that Tara ached, and it took every ounce of her self-restraint to pull back. The blonde took a deep breath. We fell asleep, she thought drowsily. She saw out of the corner of her eye clouds, the fog not as thick as whenever it was they dozed off. She could hear the wind blowing off buildings, the tinkle of a nearby wind chime and leaves blowing down the street. A lonely car driving by with the sparse splash of the tires in puddles. The redhead across from her scrunched up her face and Tara smiled, a raindrop running down Willow's cheek. Another drop and Willow again grimaced.

"Stop, sprinklers." Tara's smile grew. "Not time."

Willow was dreaming. An adorable dream, no doubt. Tara blinked as another rain drop hit her face, followed in quick succession by a drop on her forehead. She gently turned her head and saw the roof above their head starting to be pelted with drops. She turned her attention back to the redhead.

"Willow," she gently whispered.

"Not ready," the girl murmured.

Adorable. Tara tried again, a little more urgency in her voice. "Willow, it's starting to rain."

"No, broken hoses."

The blonde reached out and caressed the girl's cheek, her hand then traveling down and gently squeezing the redhead's shoulder. The redhead's cheek was soft, and the blonde knew the touch was too tender, too intimate for their friendship, but she couldn't resist. "Willow we have to wake up and go inside. It's raining."

"What?" The redhead croaked drowsily as she slowly opened her eyes. "Tara?" Willow's brow quirked, her face the picture of confusion, her eyes squinting in the bright glow of city night. Am I dreaming?

"Hi," the blonde said softly, warmth spreading through her at the sight of Willow's adorable pout.

"Are you crying?" Willow asked, lurching into consciousness at the sight of water streaming down the blonde's face.

"No," Tara chuckled, her smile beaming as she wiped the water from her face. "It's raining."

"Indoors?" The redhead asked. She turned her head and looked around, recognizing where they were. "We fell asleep?"

"You fell asleep," Tara said jokingly as the moved to sit. "I was just, resting my eyes."

"Resting your eyes?" Willow said doubtfully, a creeping smile on her lips.

"It was very restful," the blonde explained.

Willow took in a deep breath and exhaled quickly. She rubbed her eyes and sat up. "What time is it?" The redhead asked, still slightly dazed, noticing for the first time that it was in fact starting to rain when she was hit on the cheek.

Tara looked down at the watch on her wrist. "2:30."

"In the morning?" Willow asked, before turning sheepish. "That didn't sound as obvious, or as stupid, in my head."

Tara looked around and noticed the rain was starting to come down harder. "We need to get inside or we're going to get soaked."

"Yeah," the redhead said, standing stiffly. She quickly started to fold the wool blanket that had been covering their legs as Tara collected the pillows. Done, the blonde handed the pillows over and started to pick up the sleeping bag when the heavens opened up and it started to pour.

Tara hurriedly reached down and awkwardly scooped up the sleeping bag while Willow grabbed the thermos, and the two girls rushed to the door, rain streaking their faces, water dripping from the items in their hands. They rushed down the stairs to the landing in front of their apartment door and stopped, laughing at the mess they had become.

The blonde stumbled a bit as she lurched to hang the heavy blankets over the rail to dry. It wasn't enough to fall, but Willow caught her anyway, smiles on their faces as the redhead's right hand grasped the blonde's arm. Willow tightened her grip as the blonde righted herself, Tara still laughing at her clumsiness and the redhead couldn't help herself. She brought her free hand up and started to push strands of wet hair from Tara's cheek, her right hand loosely slipping around the blonde's waist.

Willow swallowed hard. Feeling the blonde's body through the bulky sweater before on the roof had been so innocent, but this, this was definitely not innocent. Here, the wool gave way to the pressure from her fingers and when she gripped she realized her hand was flat and low on the curve of the blonde's lower back. The redhead slightly moved her hand up and the material rubbed against the shirt below in a way that gave Willow goosebumps. It felt like a present waiting to be unwrapped, a promise of something primal, and the redhead nearly gasped at the sensation.

Willow's free hand gently stroked Tara's cheek once and then twice, her fingers pushing the dark blonde hair up along the girl's skin and then back behind her ear. It was fast, then slow, tender always. After a long moment she finally realized what she was doing and her hand dropped, her arm loosening around Tara's waist. She was so close to the blonde, practically standing on her toes, and she felt lost as their smiles faded, their gaze locked as their faces turned serious.

Was it a minute? Maybe more? They stood staring, neither looking away, water dripping off of both of them, fat drops splashing around their feet. Willow licked her lips, her mouth dry, and Tara's gaze flicked down, catching the movement. Arousal shot through her veins at the sight of the redhead's tongue, and she hurriedly looked back up, her eyes searching Willow's for instruction on what to do. With nothing forthcoming, the blonde leaned forward slowly, her heart thudding nearly out of her chest, and Willow didn't move. Tara leaned closer still; she could feel the redhead's breath on her lips. She was going to kiss her. She had to kiss her.

Tara had doubts. Huge, looming doubts with sirens and flashes and bells, and she swore she'd never do this, but– She shuddered. The way Willow had just touched her. No one had ever touched her like that. Not Jill, with her awkwardly passionate grasp. Not Buffy, with her platonic, comforting embrace. And not Morgan, with her light touch, filled with uncertain anticipation. This was more. It was everything. And it was happening.

Tara leaned forward, hesitantly at first as their bodies gently touched, then more boldly when Willow didn't back away. She felt the redhead's breath tickle her face, felt the heat from her lips, their bodies pressing together softly and Tara licked her own lips in anticipation. Her knees felt weak and the blonde couldn't hear anything but the beating of her own heart as she moved forward the last few inches to claim the redhead's lips.

And Willow flinched.