A Moment of Truth

[Dorothy]

@nue sucks huh? Read the following moment of truth, wrote it for you, though you'll have to decide if it's your truth too.

I don't know what I want with my life, but I do know what I don't want so I'm making sure I get away from the don't-wants, maybe the rest will come after, when I get my feelings, courage and my selfworth back.
That's the main goal atm

[Nue]

that´s is a nice thing to do, but I´m still really messed up, I´m trying to make things right, move on with my life... but, you know... It´s really hard...

maybe I´m trying too hard, I just don´t care anymore about this... I´m kinda resigned with all this...

but, I´m dating again, he´s a nice guy and he´s trying to help me with my own issues...

[JujuDeRoussie]

There's a big hole and I'm not sure where it comes from.
My brother died before I was even born, when he was almost 5 months old. Usually I don't miss him much most of the year, I think about him ocasionally and that's it. I think about him around his birthday, and I'll miss him really bad around his Death's anniversary. But I don't know why, lately I can't stop missing him. Missing him really bad. Like I actually knew him, like we actually grew up together. I don't know why, I don't know where it comes from, but it hurts so damn much.
And as if it wasn't enough, my body's having one of its crisis: " I wanna have a baby now". usually it goes away pretty fast, and just the mere thought "can't have one alone, don't have the financial security to have one" doesn't help this time. And this crisis is lasting much longer than usual.
Then both get together and my brain/heart are like "If Paul was alive maybe he'd have kids by now, you could be an auntie, or even a godmother... And you'd have your big bro to help you out if you were the one having a kid".
I can't seem to be able to stop those damn thoughts. Those desires.
I can't fill up the emptiness.

I want to know my big brother. I want him to be alive.

I also want to know my father.

Blah.

[Dorothy]

I'm pretty fucked up too and

moment of truth;
it definitely doesn't help that someone is telling me it's "too easy for me to be angry at my mum and blame it all on others" just when I am finally allowing myself to let the blame go, I always thought it was my fault, now I can see the bigger picture, see what really happened and then... someone new comes allong to push me back into the "blame yourself, you're the faulty, defected, worthless one" thing.

more truth:
grnbl I think I am going to take a few weeks off of the internet cause things are getting bad and then I start annoying the entire www with my selfish ramblings

[Nue]

Juju: I totally get you... I also lost my baby sister when I was young, she died when she was about a month old and I never saw her... But I keeping think, if she was alive, maybe my mother would be still sane now and maybe she wouldn´t made my life a living hell...

[sweet satin lover]

I take care of people too much,. I need to be taken care of too.

[Kessari]

I can't remember the last time I slept, but right now I find myself incredibly relaxed, singing, dancing through my flat while swinging a dish towel. And it's a great feeling!

[Yours]

What if I deserve it?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I honestly believe I will never find someone to love me and want to be with me.

[kisstheviolets]

i have avoided the u-haul for the last 14 years of lezzie-livin'. but i think i'm ready to live with this one. it's terrifying but totally exciting.

[Dorothy]

I'll die tomorrow
fashionshow
me haz to walk in it
in the dress I made
in front of the whole fucking school + other people
on high heels (yes I'm pretty femme but usually with the flat soles)

ohgodikanhazschoolskipping?

[sweet satin lover]

I want to get my books published more than anything in the world and will feel a complete failure if I dont manage to do so, but I am not going to give up. Even if I only publish one book then I would have left something behind.

[Yours]

I love my job! Although it can get tireing but it's totally worth it!

[Yours]

Oh and I just realised... I have to pee!

[Yours]

Right now I'm drooling over Miss Benson...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WWNWTtIiK8

Humina humina.... *Drool*

[sweet satin lover]

Right now I'm drooling over Miss Benson...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WWNWTtIiK8

Humina humina.... *Drool*

LOL I think you are the only person I know who says that Humina Humina thing but I do too lol

my moment :I want tgo get into my freezer because I am just too hot here! Gah! xxx

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I have a song stuck in my head that I used to love but now brings up a lot of sad memories, and hearing it makes me feel both good and bad.

[gorn]

I went out to dinner with some friends from work ... and I ordered Dos Equis just because I love that guy in the commericals.

Stay thirsty, MKF.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm planning.
If I were a normal person this wouldn't be bad, but I am me and so it is very bad. When I start to plan I plan about 17 different things, different paths, different lives, and I get obsessed with the planning and then can never make up my mind.

Honestly I don't know what to do. My best friend's moving to another city, and I'm not sure which I'm more scard of: that she won't make it without me, or that I won't make it without her. So I'm thinking of moving with her... But I'm also thinking of staying here and getting my own apartment, or staying here and living at home like I do now and like I've assumed I will continue to do for a while. I think about staying at my job, I think about finding a new one. I think about working full time, I think about working a little less and taking 1 class, I think about working only 30 hours a week and taking a few classes...

My brain gets overwhelmed, I spend way too much time thinking about the possibilities, and I end up doing nothing or following the path of least resistance. I used to do this over and over, and I haven't done it in a long time and I was actually pretty proud of myself...living in the present and all that... I don't want to go back to living that way.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

She still sees me, better than anyone else. Sometimes better than I see myself. She sees what I try to hide, she knows how broken I am. It's hard to think of someone you love, someone who knows you to the core, and not think it could be more even if you know better. It's hard to remember that she reads everyone like this. It's hard to remember you're nothing special. It's hard not think it means something when she tries to help. It's hard to remember she's just a friend and will never want anything else.

Other times...it's hard to imagine what she ever could have seen in me. It's hard to imagine what she could even find in me worth being friends with. Some times it feels like she must just see me as a child, because she sees the weakest parts of me. And sometimes when she helps, it makes me feel bad because it's yet another reminder we will never be equals.

[Dorothy]

I've been sick since november and the docter can't find a thing. At times I feel like I'm dying with the pain, the dizzyness and the nausea and all (usually I'm not a whimp at all) But just this week I realised; my mom sneaked her way back into my life right before I became sick.

*that rings a (potential moment of truth) bell*

Could the nausea, muscle aches, sore throats, a painfull stiff neck, failing joints, headaches, dizzyness, tummy aches and nausea perhaps be caused by the stress she keeps constantly causing me?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I don't like living here anymore. I think I need to move out again, have my own space and give my mother hers. This just isn't working, I'm not happy here. I want to be, I want living with my dogs and saving money and making things a bit easier on my mom and brother to be enough, but it's not, and I think it will be best for everyone, especially me, if I find somewhere else to live. The money will probably be hard, but I'll make it work.
I need to have a place that feels like mine, and this house just doesn't feel like home anymore.

[love_2003]

I'm afraid that one of my former teachers procrastination is going to prevent me from graduating. She took 2months to finally upload my grade from last semester and the crappy thing is that she was supposed to upload an 'A' but she put in an 'F'. I sent her an e-mail asking her whats going on but am worried this might hold me back.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

She's broken and I can't do a thing to fix her. She's in pain and I can't help, and it kills me.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I just feel like an utterly terrible person right about now. I hurt her and I hate myself for it. I never wanted to cause this woman pain, but I've already screwed up. I love her so much, and I am an idiot.

[Kessari]

The past few days made me wish to go away again, leave my Laptop and phone at home and not tell anyone where I'm going... I know running away won't solve anything, but I just feel like it right now.

[Dorothy]

you could run to Amsterdam, Gaypride soon

[Nue]

@dorothy: some day I´ll go to Amsterdam´s GayPride... a friend told me it´s really amazing ^^


moment of truth: I´m a loner.. I hate people and I´m incapable of trusting them... I got a few friends (I can count them in just one hand XD) and I love them... but I can´t meet new people.. well, I´m just inadequate...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I really need to move. I'm sick of living here, and I'm sick of dogs interrupting my sleep...

[Kessari]

you could run to Amsterdam, Gaypride soon

Yep, could just hop on a train and be there in 135 minutes ...


I love going all smartass-y on my best friend (,who is 8 1/2 years older than me and probably knows more than Wikipedia does!)...