Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof

[Anne860]

Parades in carrying a gold ivy wreath like those used to crown the victors in the Olympic Games of ancient Greece, and with much pomp and ceremony, places it on Snippygal's head.



Sorry, forgot to do that last time.



So many funny moments in this update. Where to begin? How about here:

Quote:

---

“Oh, I talked to Principal Johnson. He wants to move me from lunch lady to head counselor.”



“But you’ve only had like a year and a half of college. And I wrote all your papers and took all your tests for you.”



“I know. But Principal Johnson thinks that since I’m always at the school anyway, he can turn something that’s creepy into something that’s positive.”



Willow and Tara patronize Buffy with a nod.



Buffy holds up the phone. “So, now I’m calling to order some books. ‘The Idiot’s guide to Helping Children Deal with Suicide’ and ‘Psychologically Analyzing the Trouble Teen for Dummies'."

---

How accurate. That reminds me, someone called Plot Contrivance accidentally left a message for Joss and Marti on my machine. Something about compensation for services rendered and running up a tab. They better pay up too, 'cause he sounded pretty mad.



I agree, by the way, that Joyce would have wanted it that way. Well, maybe not exactly that way. Buffy and Dawn not visiting her grave isn't a real big surprise. I mean they haven't visited Tara's or Jenny Calendar's graves. Come to think of it, I don't think they visit any grave unless a vampire's coming out of it. Maybe Buffy should stop hanging around Spike's crypt asking Clem when he'll be back and go to the 24 Hour Floral Shop And Funeral Home (remember, this is Sunnydale) and get a few bouquets.



For the record, I think that whatever harmful message you may have sent with Willow and Tara smoking was made up for with your emphasis on the importance of stretching before strenuous exercise.

Quote:

---

Across town ---



Xander --- does nothing.

---

So how is this any different from the real season 7? Oh, right, you don't show it. Thank you.



I like Harold (Roar!!!). Could he eat Spike? Or at least gnaw on him?

Quote:

---

“It really hurt. It frightened me.”



“I frighten you?”



“Well, it sure as hell didn’t impress me.”

---

Heh. I like Snarky!Tara.



Okay, I'm going to have to criticize you a little here, Snippy. The idea that Willow would use Tara to iron her homework and polish her math awards just doesn't make sense. I mean there are so many "interactive" options available. I can come up with at least half a dozen off the top of my head, and I'm sure Willow is way more creative than I am. Pax and Marti aren't really that frightening either. When compared with the horrors of UPN and Joss, anyway. Better the devil you know...



[I don't mean to imply that Joss and Marti are demons. Joss may have sold his soul to get Firefly on the air, but that doesn't make him demonic in nature. I think.]

"Murder is the worst kind of pornography, murder is let me do what I want taken to its final extreme. I believe that even make-believe murders should be taken seriously..." -- from Bag of Bones, by Stephen King

Edited by: Anne860 at: 10/21/02 6:30:29 am

[vix84]

I can't believe I've never read this fic before! Snippygal, I'm your most recent addicted fan.

Quote:

---

Willow and Tara just keep looking at each other with those eyes. You know the kind of eyes I’m talking about. You guys read smut.

---

God, that cracked me up! I'm loving this, laughing continuously through every update. There are so many priceless moments, how d'you do it? Hmm, I guess the fact that they're having sex 24/7 helps you a great deal.



Thanks! I need a good laugh, in between writing my horribly dull essay.



Oh, and I must say that moominmamma, your comments are hysterical! I'm learning about postmodern pastiche (in fact, my essay is on a very similar topic), thus my life and my precious fanfic are becoming intertwined. So thanks for sharing!!



Whoops, I forgot to mention the line “We forgot to stretch before, didn’t we.” *wipes a tear*, how I loved that!

-------------------------

"Willow laughs, kissing her. Soft and sensual. Deep love territory."

Seeing Red, Shooting Script

Edited by: vix84 at: 12/25/02 11:35:24 am

[snippygal]

AlteaThree - It won’t suck! It won’t! There’s a show on Tuesday nights at 8:00 on UPN that’s taking care of the sucking. This fic is suck-free, except for ... things of the 36-hour sex marathon variety.



Anne860 - I appreciate your criticisms and take then into consideration, however, Willow did sexually take advantage of Tara’s loopy state (I assume that’s what you were alluding to), as Tara mentions the French maid outfit. And as everyone knows, you can’t have crazy sexual shenanigans without ... the ... French ... *cough* moving on. Now, we all know Willow is anal as hell (or at least she used to be when she had some real characterization) so I imagine she likes ironed homework and polished math awards. Whatever. Maybe I’m way off here.



You may not think PAX and Marti are frightening now, but just you wait ...



Thanks for reading and enjoying. OH! And the wreath. Loving it!



vix84 - I can’t believe you’ve never read this before either!! Thanks for the kind words. Welcome to my world. Please be careful not to trip on the insanity dripping from the walls and ceiling. It’ll suck you in every chance it gets. I’m glad you laughed. I like to make people laugh. I really like to make people laugh so hard they cry and then someone says “Hey, what’s wrong with you” (usually its a friend that says this) and the person is like “Nothin’, I’m fine” and then the other person (who’s usually a friend) doesn’t believe them and gets angry with them for lying and then they never speak ever again. Even if they were friends since elementary school. That’s fun to do. Good times.



-------------------------

"BUFFY is my life! I'm so into Willow being a lez!" - Jack, "Will & Grace"

[snippygal]

Title: Season 7

Author: snippygal

Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/ Italics - Kitten-vision - R

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Whedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die.

Spoilers: Joss Whedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.







“BUFFY” Episode 7.16 - “Buffy Eats Paste”



LAST TIME:



When he reaches the house, he knows it’s familiar, but can’t remember why. He taps on the door. It opens to reveal Dawn.



Xander looks up at her in embarrassed terror and shock. “What -- Dawn --- huh?”



Dawn is equally stunned. “Xander! What are YOU doing here?”



It’s about this time that Xander first notices what Dawn is wearing - very, very little (which we won’t go into detail because she’s just a kid and that’s just not cool).



“I .. uh .. I got this card from someone. Said it could help me with my .. issue.”



Dawn sighs and thinks what to do. Then it hits her: Xander is completely harmless. Sure he killed a bus-load of nuns, but their eternity was pretty secure. They’re probably a lot happier. Even if he ratted her out to Buffy, nobody would believe him anyway.



“Okay, Xander. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret,” Dawn tells him, leading him inside and closing the door.



“Ooh, I like secrets!”



----------------------------------





AND NOW:



While Willow and Tara had their little marathon, Xander was exposed to a little sex-fest of his own.



Xander lies in the king size bed, tangled in satin sheets, his wrists and ankles shackled to the bedposts. He wears a shredded cowboy outfit complete with a crooked Stetson on his head. He looks tired - more so than usual. A few bite marks show on his neck.



She’s in the bathroom. The girl - the woman - who gave Xander back his groove. He thinks back on the last 48 hours with a sigh. “It works again,” he begins his monologue. “I’m back in business. Anya will be so happy. And Angelica. Wow. What a woman. All mysterious and forceful. Those broad ... shoulders. Very strong. But she made me feel like a man. And I’ve never felt like a man! She looked so familiar - like we’d met in another life ---” Xander muses as the object of his sexual affection walks out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel around --- his? waist.



“--- or this one,” Xander says in disbelief at the “woman” in front of him. “Angel?!”



“Hey, there, cowboy. How ya feeling?”



“Huh? I mean -- what? I mean -- what?” Xander inquires, struggling against the chains. Angel notes his physical discomfort.



“Oh. Here,” he offers, freeing his prey. “Better?”



“Of course!” Xander realizes, rubbing his wrists. “I should have guessed! I mean, what with all the oral sex. Well, there was that one time when you used that toy -- oh, God. That wasn’t a toy.”



“Well, nothing’s too good for my clients,” Angel smiles. “And boy did you run up a tab.”



“I’m not paying you!”



Dawn makes her entrance. She stands at the door wearing very little leather. And thigh-high leather boots with steel studs poking out from the tips. She cracks a fringed whip. “Oh, yes you are, Xander.”



“Dawnster!” Xander runs to the safety of the teenager. “What the hell’s going on? Angelica’s Angel? But she was so pretty before.”



“I’m still pretty!” Angel whines.



Dawn raises her hand at Angel. “I’ll take care of this.”



She turns to the boy. “Xander, you came in here and racked up 48 hours of lovin’ with one of my best girls.”



Angel smiles at the her compliment. Dawn continues.



“And according to this bill, you’ve partaken in our other luxuries - Crystal Meth, X, 12 Cuban cigars and 8 bottles of champagne. Oh, and you’ll have to pay for the torn costume. That brings your total to --- $18,000.”



“What?! I can’t pay that!”



“Xander! You don’t play if you can’t pay. That’s our policy.”



She points to a sign by the bedroom door stating just that.



“But I can’t pay!”



“Well then you’ll just have to work if off.”



“You mean, you want me to ... service men?”



Dawn and Angel laugh. “No,” she says. “I only have women here for that.”



“What about Angel? He’s not a woman!”



Dawn stops laughing and stares Xander down. “Angelica is a woman. Or, at least, she will be completely by this time next week.”



Angel steps in. “My reassignment surgery. See, on my show I mystically became a woman by having sex with Cordy. But in real life I need the surgery. It will be nice to finally have the body to fit the woman inside me that I’ve always felt.” Angel twirls around the room in the towel.



Xander turns back to Dawn after a glimpse up Angel’s towel turns his stomach (since he’s a homophobe due to his repressive sexual feelings he’s always had toward Angel. And Oz. And Giles. And Principal Flutie. Then there was that one night thing he had with Larry.)



“So, how do you want me to work of my debt?”



Dawn smiles at Angel.



“Oh, I’m sure I can think of something.”



----------------------------------



Meanwhile, at Sunnydale High:



Buffy sits at her desk, listening to the problems of a troubled youth.



She catches her faint reflection in window. “I’m so pretty,” she thinks to herself.



“I know I’m supposed to wear them. It will only help me in school, and a good education is the only way to get anywhere in this world. I mean, how else will I meet the perfect man, get married, become his wife, raise his children, cook his meals and clean his house if I don’t do well in high school and get into a good college? So I have to wear them. But you know what they say: Guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.”



“Is she kidding me with this?” Buffy thinks to herself.



Buffy reaches across the desk and takes the girl’s hand.



“Hey, hey,” she attempts to calm the sobbing student. “I don’t envy your situation. What it must be like to be you. With those crossed eyes.”



The girl cries harder. Buffy opens one of the desk drawers and pulls out a photo, which she offers to the distraught girl. She looks at it. It shows a beautiful young woman with blonde hair who looks absolutely stunning in dark-framed glasses.



“Isn’t she lovely?” Buffy asks.



The girl nods and hands the photo back to Buffy, who takes a glance at it herself.



“Damn, Tara really looks hot in glasses.”



“So? You wanna wear your glasses, now?”



The girl smiles as she slips on the glasses. They’re big. Possibly circa 1982. They nearly cover her entire face. The lenses are an inch thick and dramatically magnify her pupils.



Buffy shudders and tries to hide a look of disgust.



----------------------------------



Willow sits in her trailer going over the day’s script pages. As she reads on, her eyes suddenly bulge out of her head.



“What the doily do?”



She reads it again. The end of the episode reads:



WILLOW LEANS IN AND KISSES TARA.



Tara opens the door and peeks in. Willow looks up at her. “Did you see this?”



“Yeah,” Tara answers in disbelief as she enters the trailer and closes the door. she saunters over to her girlfriend and sits next to her. “No more kissing boys.”



“I’ll miss Maurice,” Willow laments. “Wanna rehearse?”



Tara smiles. The two dedicated artists practice their craft.



----------------------------------



Back at the school ---



Buffy places another tally mark on the little chalkboard next to her desk, indicating that she’s saved another life. Then she looks at the chalk in her hand, sniffs it and starts nibbling at it. She makes a face and tosses it in the trash.



She looks up at the clock. “Ooh. Craft time.”



She pulls out a piece of construction paper, Elmer’s Glue™ and a handful of macaroni. She globs the glue onto the paper and starts placing pieces of macaroni into the glue. She sticks her finger in the glue, sniffs it then licks it.



“Yummy,” she says and starts gnawing on the cap of the glue bottle.



KNOCK KNOCK.



Buffy quickly throws everything into a drawer, puts on some fake glasses and pulls out a file.



“Come in,” she says.



Principal Johnson enters. “Hi, Buffy.”



“Why, hello, Principal Johnson. What can I do for you?”



“I certainly didn’t want to disturb your work. I just wanted to let you know that Dawn didn’t attend any classes today. Was she sick?”



“No.” Buffy thinks for a second. “Maybe she’s over at Janice’s. She’s been spending so much time with her, and since she’s been home schooled --”



“Janice hasn’t been home schooled,” Principal Johnson interrupts. “She and her family moved to Pennsylvania almost a year ago.”



Slayer-mode kicks in. Finally.



“I’ll get to the bottom of this, Principal Johnson.”



----------------------------------



Xander sits on the bed, trying to recall the last few days and figure out just how he even got to this place. Angel sits next to him.



“You okay?”



“Yeah,” Xander sighs. “Just thinking about Anya.”



“I’ll help you take your mind off her,” Angel offers, as he pounces on top of him. The two wrestle on the bed, while Xander offers unconvincing pleas for him to stop.



“Xander!”



The two stop rolling around and look up. Standing over them is Anya. Xander composes himself and rises off the bed.



“Ahn! You’re back! And you ... you’re a brunette.”



“Yeah, well, you don’t just go through what we went through without changing a little,” Anya explains. Then her tone changes. “What the hell were you doing with Angel?”



“What, this? This was nothing! Just a couple of guys blowing off some steam.”



“That’s not what it looked like to me. You had sex with him. Lots and lots of sex. Many orgasms were had with the vampire.”



Xander gets defensive. Maybe because Anya won’t recognize Angel as the woman he/she almost is. Maybe because she disturbed their happy-time. Maybe because he’s Xander and whatever happens is fairly irrelevant because of his weak storylines.



“Hey!” he yells at her. “You left me! Remember?”



“So you go out and bang the first body you can find?”



“Now wait a minute!” Angel interjects. “I’m not just a body. I’m a person. I have a soul.”



They all start yelling at each other for several minutes, before a gunshot silences them. Dawn, still all dominatrixy stands there holding a shotgun.



“Do we have a problem?” She asks.



Angel, Xander and Anya just glance around at each other with innocent looks.



“Oh, I think we have a big problem,” says a voice behind Dawn.



The teenager slowly turns around to face her big sister.



END of 7.16



----------------------------------

Edited by: snippygal at: 10/30/02 11:54:35 am

[mollyig]

Angelica! Oh so brilliant. And Dawn is quite the madam, isn't she?



Buffy "consoling" the girl was hilarious. Although I have to agree with her re Tara with glasses.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[AlteaThree]

Hehe, see, now isnt it all good and funny and pathetic when Xander gets some??



So Buffy thinks Tara is hot...even silly-willy Buffy realizes how wonderful Tara is...



As an added bonus for a halloween scare, it brought back horrible memories of a story I created with a friend back in grade 10-Hermaphridite Hamster and his Girlfriend Kitty. Now I must work on repressing the horrificaly terrible memories...



Thank-you for another great episode

Edited by: AlteaThree at: 10/30/02 7:12:15 pm

[kbk3022]

I can't believe Buffy ate paste! And that poor girl with the crossed eyes and big glasses with thick lenses, hopefully she'll be okay. Good update Snipp, very fun and exciting! And Willow and Tara are allowed to kiss!



Kasey

[Tulipp]

Oh, Snipp, you sweet writer, you. I really appreciate the personal portrait of me that you included with this:

Quote:

---

The girl smiles as she slips on the glasses. They’re big. Possibly circa 1982. They nearly cover her entire face. The lenses are an inch thick and dramatically magnify her pupils.

---

It makes me feel like an honorary Scoobie.



Buffy eating paste....hee hee. And hello! Finally she figures out about Janice! Although, you know, I didn't realize Janice had moved away either. Even though you never mentioned her, even though it was always Dawn, I guess I just assumed Janice was still there, behind the scenes, pulling strings. Sweet little Dawn!



Loved the "dedicated artists practicing their craft," and Xander's finally a man! It's about time.



Okay, that's all for now, but I'm LMAO here at work with this. Seriously, it's better than Cats, better than ET!

"And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned!" -- Willow in "Doppelgangland"

[BoredNow99]

Quote:

---

Buffy sits at her desk, listening to the problems of a troubled youth.



She catches her faint reflection in window. “I’m so pretty,” she thinks to herself.

---

Snipp, I love your Buffy. She's so damned self-involved. And vacant. I loved craft time.



Angel is a camp delight, and Dawn just cracks me the hell up.



This is exactly what I'm after right now, so thanks a whole heap

Bite me, Harris

[vix84]

lmao!! I had to go to the dentist today, and the thought 'Buffy eats paste' helped me survive...so I must thank you!



I loved that! Despite the lack of W/T smoochies *frown* the Angel/Xander/Dawn moments were laughoutloud-in-front-of-bemused-people type of funny...heh



LOL at Anya reprimanding Xander, "you go out and bang the first dead body you can find"...I was wiping tears of amusement! Ahhh Angelica, I hope we see more of her



Thanks for making me laugh so much...

_________________


Willow laughs, kissing her. Soft and sensual. Deep love territory.
Seeing Red, Shooting Script.

[snippygal]

mollyig - There’s just something about a girl in glasses ...



AlteaThree - Buffy may be slow, but she’s got good taste in women.



kbk3022 - Yes, Willow and Tara are allowed to kiss. But don’t just assume that will be a good thing. That’s all I can say.



Tulipp - And here I thought I was describing me, what with the crossed eyes and ... huh? No. I didn’t have crossed eyes. Nope. Not a freak at all in high school. Awkward phase? Whatdaya talk?



Better than ET and Cats? Rolled up in one? With some original Parent Trap Haley Mills goodness sprinkled on top? This is better than all that? (Okay, so I added the last part.)



BoredNow99 - Your whole heap is very welcome. I love my Buffy too. She actually makes watching this season somewhat entertaining. There’s like this subliminal stupidity to her (ya know, when its not just completely outright.)



vix84 - Eesh! Dentist! Glad I could hold your hand through it all. Willow and Tara will get their moment in the sun. Don’t worry. While it may not be evident now, everything revolves around Willow and Tara and leads up to a big W/T moment. So there will be more of our girls and more lovin’ very soon. And Angelica? Oh, she’ll be around.







Once again, thanks to all the kittens for reading, enjoying, responding, blah blah blah. You all (and in some corners of the world - y’all) have become my candle on the water. My love for you will always burn.



snipp

---------------------------------------

[The Big I T]

Alright...I was gonna say what Tulipp said about the crossed eyes and glasses being *me*. But then I re-read that paragraph and realized that you hadn't included anything about her having braces, too. Those big freakin' silver light-reflecting kind of braces. The kind that they *swear* you'll only have to wear for a year "or so" and then the next thing you know it's five years later and you can't even remember how to talk and move your lips at the same time...or what food tastes like without the tinny after-taste...or how to smile without ducking your head first to spare any unsuspecting passers-by the blinding glare from your face. *shudder* ... *painful flashbacks* ...



(Guess I still have *awkwardness* issues...)



But Buffy eating paste? And Angelica making a man out of Xander? And Little Dawnie literally cracking the whip? Guess we all have issues, eh?



Still, gotta love Willow and Tara's dedication to their craft. Issues? What issues? Really, when you get right down to it, as long as Willow and Tara are happy, then I'm happy. You'll find a way to keep 'em happy for me, won't ya snipp? Won't you?



And hey, snipp! Are you a Pete's Dragon fan, too?!

********



”How ‘bout them Broncos …” – some guy, saying something useful, in The Initiative

[snippygal]

I T - I hear birds singing. I hear children laughing. Ya gotta love Pete's Dragon. Ah, the days when Disney movies were good.



So, I guess I'm touching on everyone's geek-infested roots. Not trying to dig up bad memories. Stop the shuddering. Please. You'll make me feel bad.



I am saying, for the record, that Willow and Tara will end up happy. Nothing to worry about. All will end well. For them anyway.

[AlteaThree]

I was re-reading "Buffy Eats Paste" because there hasn't been an update and I thought, Buffy reminds me of a peer councillor I knew, who smoked and drank while councilling agaist it, and also said she ate paste as a child...really...it tasted like "a bad menthol cigeratte". Wierd...she even kinda looked like Buffy!

[snippygal]

Well, she's right. Paste does taste like menthol cigarettes. Um ... I mean ... I don't smoke menthol cigarettes. Sorry for the lack of updatiness. I actually have the next episode written out, but I don't think it's funny. I'm convinced that I am not funny and none of this has ever been funny. All of you are just terribly high. So I'm going to rework it a little bit and hopefully get an update in the next day or two. But I've been kinda busy doing a friend's homework. *sigh*



---------------------------

"Oh, stewardess, I speak jive." - Barbara Billingsley

[moominmamma]

Geeks, Paste, and Glasses: Queer Identity



"Bobby" continues to challenge bourgeois morality in its latest update, "Buffy Eats Paste." The chapter is a litany of transgressions: adolescent sexuality (with a flamboyant teenage madam); necrophilia (with the male lesbian unevil undead); drug use (come on, is it really paste?); oral sex (come on, is it really paste?); and the emergence of a public queer identity with the visibility of Willow and Tara's sexuality. Indeed, the chapter encourages the public embrace of queer identities, with "queer" representing the many violations of conventional heterosexual normativity.



Responders self-identify as "geeks," displaying markers of their "otherness" with pride: oversized glasses, crossed eyes, braces. The narrative is building toward an open confrontation between narrow-minded, disciplinary conventionality--Buffy--and the polymorphous perversity of the rest of the Scoobie gang.

Edited by: moominmamma at: 11/11/02 3:12:58 pm

[lipkandy]

okay, so I just sat down and read this all in one sitting and holy frickin' hell. you are one beautifully twisted comic genius! and did you say you wear glasses?



and geeks, geeks are sexy...well, that's what I tell myself when I'm typing away on my computer at midnight on a Saturday.



and you've inspired one of the most hilarious threads I've every...well, eavesdropped on (guess I should add 'thread stalker' to my bio). everything from terrifyingly accurate pop culture crticism to a much-needed exorcism of Tulipp's Riley 'issues'.



thank you!

[snippygal]

moominmamma -I have this theory about movies and television. The more time you spend discussing them, the more interesting they are. The crappiest movie can somehow be brought up several levels the more it’s studied and analyzed and, ya know, bullshitted. So with that said - you have made “Bobby” sound incredibly interesting and much more entertaining than I think it has ever been. I’m loving your analysis. Excellent work!



lipkandy -It’s always nice to see someone new. Especially a fellow geek/geek-lover. We all have to stick together. Thanks for reading and telling me I’m a genius. Except, everyone keeps calling me twisted and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because you are! I am not! I’m perfectly normal! Ha! That’s not what those doctors in Tacoma said! Stay out of this! I’m trying to converse with my new friends. New friends? Wait until they find out what you’re really like. Wait until they find out about me! And the others!



Keep smilin’ keep shinin’!



snipp

------------------------------------

"Oh, stewardess, I speak jive." - Barbara Billingsley

[AlteaThree]

So, um, if you dont smoke the cigs, you eat the paste???



PS:What's Giles up to? Not that i care...



Anyways, my friend just read the first section of your series and loved it! Esspecially the Xander-trying-to-be-a-hero... she laughed the whole "Yellow Crayon" scene both the time it was on TV and your, um, renditions of it...



Twisted fun intead!!!



arg, my wrist is sprained and i cant write well...



Surely you cant be serious!

I am serius. And don't call me Shirley!-Airplane

Edited by: AlteaThree at: 11/12/02 6:45:52 pm

[snippygal]

AlteaThree - Not that you'll care, but more Giles to come in Episode 18. And I'm glad your friend laughed at the Xander bit. I personally find the original much funnier. Ya know, cuz it wasn't supposed to be. I was in stitches.





Title: Season 7

Author: snippygal

Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/ Italics - Kitten-vision - R

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Whedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die.

Spoilers: Joss Whedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.







“BUFFY” Episode 7.17 - “Rose-colored”



LAST TIME:



Willow sits in her trailer going over the day’s script pages. As she reads on, her eyes suddenly bulge out of her head.



“What the doily do?”



She reads it again. The end of the episode reads:



WILLOW LEANS IN AND KISSES TARA.

--------------------------

“Oh, I think we have a big problem,” says a voice behind Dawn.



The teenager slowly turns around to face her big sister.

-------------------------



AND NOW:



“Buffy!” Dawn exclaims, rushing to her sister’s side. “W-welcome to the ... costume party!”



Believe it or not, Buffy doesn’t buy it. “Dawn, I know what’s going on. I know everything.”



“Y-you do?”



Buffy nods and steps forward. She crosses her arms over her chest, getting into her self-righteous stance. Opening her mouth to begin a long-winded rant, she turns and notices Anya.



“Anya, you’re back.”



“Very perceptive, Buffy.”



“You look different. Have you lost weight?”



“Come on, Buffy. I can’t afford to loose any more than you can.”



“Oh. Right. Are you taller?”



“I kinda stopped growing several centuries ago.”



“Glasses?”



“Nope. Not wearing glasses.”



“You’d probably look good in them. Tara looks hot in hers.”



The group exchanges a look. Buffy snaps her fingers. Well, okay, she doesn’t actually snap her fingers. Willow’s been trying to teach her how to do that for years (because our little redhead is very good with her fingers. Just ask Tara.) But Buffy never did catch on.



“Your hair!” she says with another failed snap. “Did you cut it?”



Xander can’t stand this any longer. At one time he was happy not to be the stupid one, but enough is enough. “It’s brown, Buffy! Her hair is brown!”



Buffy cocks her head like a confused puppy. “No. That’s not it.”



“Yes it is!” Dawn and Angel yell together.



“It seems Anya’s got her brunette back on,” Xander says, a little judgmental. Oh, who are we kidding. He says this with as much judgment as God Himself.



Buffy cocks her head the other way and narrows her eyes at Anya. “Well, it looks good.”



“Thank you,” Anya proudly smiles.



“You should get some glasses, too,” Buffy offers, then glances down at her watch, pretending to know how to tell time. “Jeez! I gotta get back to the school. I have pencils to sharpen and impressionable 15 year old boys to seduce. Will you be home for dinner, Dawn?”



“Um ... sure?”



“Okay, then, I’ll see you guys later.”



Buffy twirls out of the illegal den of sin (as opposed to those legal dens of sin) and skips down the sidewalk. “Hmm,” she thinks out loud. “I feel like I’m forgetting to do something.”



She shrugs and walks back to school.



----------------------------------



Meanwhile, in Detroit ---



Spike’s feet fall out from under him, causing him to fall hard on his bony ass.



“Bloody hell!” he mutters through clinched teeth. He slams his fist on the floor, then grabs his head in pain. He looks at his fist. “Sodding ant,” he says as he wipes the remains of the bug from his fist onto his pants. “I can’t do this, Barry!”



A strong hand reaches down and pulls Spike back upright.



“Do you want my help or not?” the well-dressed man asks.



“I just want what I came here for.”



“Then stop whining and listen. You know, when Jackie Wilson came to me he was white.”



“No.”



“Yes. But he listened to everything I said and look how well he turned out. And little Stevie Wonder? Not really blind. All my idea.”



“Really?” Spike asks, impressed.



“That’s right, Will. So - let’s take it from the top. The medley.”



Spike nods with confidence while Barry stands off to the side. The vampire sits back on the piano bench and lays his fingers on the keys.



“Hey mama don’t you treat me wrong,” Spike begins. “Come and love your daddy all night long...”



As Spike performs, Barry yells out instructions. “On the two! Drop your shoulder on the two! Ray never dropped on the one!”



Spike complies while he continues to sing and play. And of course, drops his shoulder on the two. “... well tell me what’d I say ...”



“Key change!” Barry shouts.



Spike changes key and his shoulder movements. “Like a fool I went and stayed too long ...”



“Move your head! Move your head more!”



Spike sways his head to the music and cheesily smiles. “...ooh baby, here I am, signed, sealed, delivered, I’m your’s...”



“Up, Will! Up!” Barry commands.



Spike stands as Barry takes his place at the piano. Spike moves to the center of the floor in front of an old mic.



“Just skip to the chorus, boy!”



Spike counts in his head, following Barry’s accompaniment. “Oh baby, give me one more chance ...”



“...Show you that I love you,” Barry fills in the background.



“...Won't you please let me ...”



“...Back in your heart...”



“...Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go...”



“...let you go baby...”



“...But now since I see you in his arms...”



“...I want you back...”



“...Yes I do now...”



“Now do the moves! Those kids had the best moves! Put some James Brown into it too, for God sakes!” Barry yells, in between singing ‘I want you back’.



Spike backs up a step from the mic stand and raises his arms quickly, then slowly lowers them, in a fainting ‘Y’ motion. He twists his body and he turns and does that splits-dance thing that guys do and you know for sure that’s gotta hurt something down there. But he does it gracefully and pulls himself back up, then falls to his knees, jumping back up, then falling to his knees and jumping back up again. Barry stops playing, picks up a cape, walks over to Spike and drapes it over him. They slump away from the mic, both of them hunched over a bit. Suddenly, Spike stands up quickly, throwing the cape off him and starts dancing again. Barry drapes the cape over him one more time and they mosey off to a corner to the beat in their heads.



Barry looks at Spike slaps him on the back. “I think you got it, Will. I really think you got it.”



Spike grins up at him. “So I’m ready?”



“Not just yet. There’s still one more thing we have to do,” he says with elevator eyes.



----------------------------------



Dinnertime at the Summer’s home ...



Dawn clears the dishes as Buffy, Willow and Tara sit at the table drinking tea, pinkie up. Buffy turns to Willow.



“Willow, dear friend. ‘Tis such a delight to have you back under our roof. After Mother passed on, Dawn and I have been but orphans. To have you and Tara here to help with household chores and income is ever a sweet blessing.” Buffy looks to Tara who appears very school-marm-librarian-like. Very stiff and stoic. Her hair is pulled back perfectly in a tight bun. Her dark-framed glasses rest on her nose. She wears a neatly pressed floral pint dress. Her hands sit calmly in her lap.



Buffy wets her lips as she eyeballs her best friend’s girlfriend.



Willow smiles politely at her friend.



She sneers at Buffy, following her eyes to Tara’s breasts. “That stupid bitch! She’s checking out Tara!”



“Buffy,” Willow replies. “Friends are friends forever, if the Lord’s the Lord of them. And I friend will not say never, ‘cause the welcome will not end.”



“Ah,” Tara quietly chimes in. “Spoken like a true Christian.”



Smiles all around.



“You know,” Buffy casually mentions. “You two don’t need to share that bedroom. I know you would both like your privacy. I’m sure we could work something else out.”



“Sweet, Buffy. No problem at all. Tara and I are willing to make some sacrifices for the greater good. And the greater good is always greater when the good-giver is great. So, no problem here. I would have to consider Tara and myself problem-free regarding the sleeping arrangements. Not a problem in sight, as far as my eye can see ...”



Buffy breaks in. “Why, Willow, I do believe you are babbling.”



Willow blushes at her inappropriate wordiness. A lady should never talk too much. Even if there are only ladies present. “I certainly apologize for my goings-on. My intended response was that Tara and I do not mind doubling up. We would sleep on top of each other if we had to.”



The three friends all laugh together at the absurdity of the statement.



“Oh, Willow!” Buffy snorts, shaking her head and putting on her best sitcom smile.



”Lucky bitch,” Buffy thinks to herself, all the while smiling.



Willow glances up at the clock.



“Oh, Buffy. It’s 8:00. Tara and I must retire. You know what they say.”



“I most certainly do. A lady must get her beauty rest. Not that either of you could possibly get more lovely.”



”Especially Tara. Rarrrrr,” Buffy growls in her head as she pictures ripping the girl’s clothes off.



“Oh, Buffy. So kind. Well, good night old friend.”



“Yes,” Tara adds, as she stands with Willow. “Sleep well.”



In the bedroom upstairs, the door clicks shut and Willow’s already got Tara pinned up against it. Tara manages to unravel her hair and whip her glasses off and throw them across the room. The cymbals and strings crescendo. Willow kisses her passionately. She lifts the neat dress over Tara’s head to reveal --- nothing. Willow takes a step back to admire her girlfriend wearing only high heels and a smile. Willow lifts her girl into her arms and carries her to the bed. They have lots and lots of wild sex. The kind only two women know how to have.



Buffy sits on the couch with Dawn. They sit with their backs straight and their knees together. They watch television until a commercial appears. Buffy hits mute on the remote, so as not to warp their young minds. She smiles at the television, ignoring the local advertisement for Insane Murray’s Auto Service Center. Instead, she reminisces the last 8 minutes of entertainment. “That Della Reese. Every time she says that she’s an angel sent by God, I get chills.”



“Me too,” Dawn sighs.



A loud thump from upstairs disturbs their sisterly bonding time. Dawn turns her head in the direction of the sound. “What was that?”



“I’m sure it is fine, Sister. But we will ensure the safety of our new house mates. You check on Willow and Tara. It could just be mice in the attic. I’ll go up there.”



The two sisters creep up the stairs. Buffy rounds the corner, heading to the attic, while Dawn slowly opens the door to Willow and Tara’s room. He eyes widen at the sight of the two girls kissing in bed. She lets a little ‘eep’ slip out. Willow and Tara turn towards the door to see the teenager backing out into the hall and leaning up against the wall. She slides down to her knees, then falls into a fetal position. She begins sucking her thumb and mumbling incoherencies.



Meanwhile, Buffy slowly makes her way up to the attic. She looks around as she reaches the top. A chair rocks gently by the window. A small figure sits in the chair.



“Buffy?” the figure asks, somewhat annoyed, in a very high-pitched, scratchy voice.



“It’s alright, Mother. Please, don’t be angry.”



END of 7.17



----------------------------------

"Oh, stewardess, I speak jive." - Barbara Billingsley

[mollyig]

Buffy again a source for much amusement, the attempt to snap her fingers (heh!), the forgetting her reason for being there. Such fun!



I'm disturbed by how easy it was to picture Spike's music lesson - scary, but funny, stuff.



The dinner was priceless, the conversation oh so polite while Buffy ogles Tara.



Thanks so much for this!

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[ruby]

Snipp, you have my eternal gratitude for writing this line:

Quote:

---

Tara manages to unravel her hair and whip her glasses off and throw them across the room.

---

But tell me--have you been reading my mind again?

Not that I think about this. Very often. Ahem.

Wow, that was so close to being empowering. --"Same Time, Same Place"

[The Big I T]

Yeah, snipp. What ruby said. And not like I think about this very often either...

Quote:

---

They have lots and lots of wild sex. The kind only two women know how to have.

---

Nope. Not me. Not much. Nosirree.



But hey...I've missed you, snipp. And your wacky little way with words and all things descriptive. Your Buffy is killing me, with the constant Tara ogling and the sudden glasses fetish...although, honestly, who could blame her.



Xander with the God-like judgment passing.



Dawn, on the verge of a major busting, but, thanks to Buffy's one-track mind suddenly veering off in the wrong direction and on the wrong tracks, managing to get off scott-free. At least for now.



And Spike gettin' down with the Motown...and that truly was a visually disturbing scene with it's way-too-easy-to-imagine-ness.



But what had me actually burst out laughing -- and thank goodness I'm the only one in the office yet -- was the tea-time tete-a-tete with Buffy and Willow and Tara. A true Pax-orama moment. Except, of course, for the snarky thoughts firing back and forth between Willow and Buffy. And Buffy all the while fixated on Tara. And visions of naked Tara. Rarrrr, indeed.



I think it's time for me to mention again how much I love the way your mind works, snipp. Cuz I do. Indeed I do.

********



”How ‘bout them Broncos …” – some guy, saying something useful, in The Initiative

[Tulipp]

Me, too; me, too! With the missing and the loving how your mind works. What IT said.



But how stupid is Buffy? She can't even SNAP! I can't believe Dawn got off AGAIN! No, not THAT way. Like, she got off the hook, got off Scott-free, whatever that means.



I have to go with the crowd on this image of Tara whipping those glasses off.



I think we all have to band together and fight moominmamma's perception that we are somehow embracing our geek identities. Glasses are SEXY! We all who wear glasses are SEXY as hell! Buffy would be crushing on all of us if we were in her little crush world!



My favorite part was Willow and Buffy sneering at each other while delivering their Pax lines.



Snipp, you're the best. I may need to write a little poem in honor of you, but then it might be deconstructed by you-know-who.

"And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned!" -- Willow in "Doppelgangland

[snippygal]

mollyig - Bills left after your mother has passed away: $36,000

New bed after your lesbian friends move in and break in the rooms:  $300

Ogling your bestfriend’s girlfriend while pretending to be straight: Priceless



ruby - I have been reading your mind. I hope that’s okay. Is that sort of thing frowned upon here? So, yes, much mind-reading. Because God knows, it didn’t come from my mind. No impure thoughts here.



I T - I’ve missed me too. I’ve been away. Somewhere. And I didn’t tell myself where I went. But when I got back, I had this new ep and all was well. I think things might be getting a little too twisted and we’re in for some major --- um ... in the words of Quentin Tarrentino and his extended vocabulary: fucked up shit. But that’s only in his words.



While Buffy may be too dumb to catch Dawn, Karma is about to bite her in the ass. Next ep - hoo boy! I've got one spoiler word for ya: “Umad.” That’s all I’ll say.



Tulipp - With Dawn’s line of work -- she gets off. Believe me. Not that I think about that. Because she’s like 12 or whatever. I’m glad everyone liked Tara whipping her glasses off. I feel bad that I have neglected Willow and Tara Sex Adventures (because those are the best kind. Unless you’re having actual real-life sex adventures. Those are fun too. From what I remember.) I don’t write smut (obviously). After a while, all smut is the same. I mean, really, how many different ways can you say: “Willow’s hand rocks with Tara’s body, juices coating it, creating an erotic scent in the air. Goddesses are created in the moment Willow places her tongue on Tara’s center and every nerve reacts with an overwhelming urge to scream Willow’s name.” Seriously. It’s been done again and again.



A poem? For me? *Claps hands in excitement* Yes please! Lots of things rhyme with Snipp.



You guys light up my life. I heart you all.



Snipp

---------------------------------

"Oh, stewardess, I speak jive." - Barbara Billingsley

[Caoilin]

Yeah, what Kasey said.

[snippygal]

kbk3022 - "Good update, Snippy"? Why, that is quite possibly the nicest thing anyone could say to me. It's like telling me that my writing isn't complete crap (emphasis on the "complete".) From now on, we'll come up with a secret code that no one else knows and when you say that, it will sum up how you feel about "Bobby"; how it's touched your life in so many ways; how you can die happy, just having read it; and how I will not disappear into oblivion with the knowledge that I am wasting my time. Kay? So - um - "Pumpernickel" will be the code. Just say that and I'll know what you mean. And remember: don't tell anyone else.



Caoilin - Yeah, what I said to Kasey.

"Oh, stewardess, I speak jive." - Barbara Billingsley

[BoredNow99]

Oh Snipp, corking stuff as usual. So many good things to mention. Spike's "sodding ant", the continued Buffy as Idiot Child theme (my particular favourite), and the oh-so-polite exchange between Willow, Tara and Buffy while having tea.



Btw, we English people drink tea like that, with our pinkie up, every single time. Thanks for making me feel at home



Also, loved loved loved this part...

Quote:

---

“It seems Anya’s got her brunette back on,” Xander says, a little judgmental. Oh, who are we kidding. He says this with as much judgment as God Himself.

---

Perfect.

Bite me, Harris

[Tulipp]

An Ode to Snipp.



I’d rather read “Bobby”

Than eat a bacon strip,

Or run a pirate ship.



I’d rather laugh at Buffy

Than dip a tortilla chip,

Or be smart as a whip.



I’d rather love Willow and Tara

Than take an ego trip,

Or win at poker strip.



I’d rather be with Snipp

Than pass a roachy clip.

Or keep going with this quip.

"And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned!" -- Willow in "Doppelgangland

Edited by: Tulipp at: 11/18/02 10:13:02 am

[MellindraX]

well, gotta say, that was quite a kickin' update ^^.

First, Buffy, Tara, and Willow with tea. Then Buffy with the thoughts. Then me almost falling over I was trying not to laugh so hard.

And Spike with dancing..... *shudder* THAT image sure as hell aint leaving my head to soon.

And yes, Xander just makes me laugh. His mere presence. Hell, if you made him a saint with a heart of gold and easy wit... well, if you did that I'd hate you, but I'd still despise him! (Death To Xander!!!)

All and all, I loved it!

"This is normal tenn stuff. You join chat rooms, you write poetry, you post dooky hours of fanfic... It's all normal, right?" -Willow, "Help"