Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof

[Tulipp]

Mine are on the keyboard, I swear!



(My hands, I mean).



Oh, and Snipp...you see that moominmamma is taking you at your word. If you're not careful, your thread is going to fill up with 50-cent vocabulary and theoretical jargon so fast all our heads will spin.



Well, not my head, because I hear that stuff at home all the time, like when I'm trying to watch Dawson's Creek. Sigh.



So you just watch out. Because I have it on good authority that she's going to write all. ten. pages.

***************

"Run, flee, maybe skedadlle. We're not here to engage. This is strictly recon." Willow, on season seven, in "This Year's Girl"

[The Big I T]

Mine aren't.



(My hands...on the keyboard, I mean.)



I swear!

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- some guy, saying something useful, in The Initiative

[Tulipp]

Um, where do you work exactly? And are there any...vacancies?

***************

"Run, flee, maybe skedadlle. We're not here to engage. This is strictly recon." Willow, on season seven, in "This Year's Girl"

[BoredNow99]

In the interests of covering the entire spectrum of reactions to "Bobby", and in response to moominmamma's marvellous essay opening, I reply in the following way:



I like "Bobby". It's funny.

Bite me, Harris

[The Big I T]

It's not so much the *where* as it is the *how* and the *what* and the *why*... : -->



And we're all pretty much vacant around here. At least as far as that "tell-tale" look in all our eyes. Goes with the territory. Still interested?

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- some guy, saying something useful, in The Initiative

[Tulipp]

Oh Emma, you talk good.



And I T, frankly, it sounds like it wouldn't be much of a change for me. I might as well stay put. I mean, at least here I have a door I can close. Not that I would need to since, as I've already announced, my hands are always busy.



On the keyboard.

***************

"Run, flee, maybe skedadlle. We're not here to engage. This is strictly recon." Willow, on season seven, in "This Year's Girl"

[The Big I T]

I have no door. That's what makes it so *exciting*...



Wouldn't hurt to keep that in mind, in case, y'know, you change your mind...

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- some guy, saying something useful, in The Initiative

[moominmamma]

Sexual (fore)play marks both the narrative of "Bobby" and the response of the "kittens." (And just where does the suggestive term "kitten" come from? A shortening of the common phrase "sex kitten," perhaps? My research assistants are investigating the OED as I write.) Consider two common catch-phrases: "bunny-fuck" and "hand check." Snippygal brilliantly literalizes transgressive sexual metaphors. Actual bunnies serve as bestial fantasies that challenge the hegemony of compulsory heterosexuality. And hand-checks provide the vocabulary for "kittens" to explore their own onanistic fantasies. "Bobby" articulates a queer aesthetic, an aesthetic seemingly challenged by Tulipp's fixation on Riley's member but actually reinforced by the "kittens" collective revulsion to this spectacle.

Edited by: moominmamma at: 10/16/02 11:43:42 am

[Tulipp]

Um, moominmamma, when you've finished with your ten pages for Snipp, I've got a dissertation you can write while I change careers and sign up for a cubicle at IT's office....



No, seriously. L. M. A. O.

***************

"Run, flee, maybe skedadlle. We're not here to engage. This is strictly recon." Willow, on season seven, in "This Year's Girl"

[BoredNow99]

Quote:

---

My research assistants are investigating the OED as I write.

---

*raises hand tentatively*



Um...don't suppose you need anymore help over there do ya?

Bite me, Harris

[snippygal]

gspiggott - Now, when you say “evil genius”, you mean that in a good way, right? Because I don’t know what people have been telling you about me. I see Xander’s hair more of a three-strand type thing. Like when he gets older he’ll look like Mr. Weatherbee. Maybe that’s just because I’m dictating that he becomes a high school principal.



moominmamma - You’re mocking me, aren’t you?



Excellent work. You’ve only got, what, nine more pages to go? Much bloated language. I am loving it thoroughly. Although you failed to mention the most obvious root of “kitten” as a suggestive term. But I guess there’s no room for the obvious in this essay. So carry on. Oh - but “Riley’s member”? *Cringe* *Shudder* Damn .. mental image .. won’t .. get out .. of head! HEAD! Ah! Make it stop!



Golly. I’ve written a postmodern pastiche! Did the rest of you hear that? I’m like, smart, or something. Or as BoredNow99 eloquently put it -- I'm a funny lady.



Tulipp - If my fic is so “real” how come I’m still poor and that crazy bastard out in LA is reaping all the benefits of “Buffy Sharpens a Pencil”? Oh, but I guess the art itself is the only reward I need, right? The love of writing. The passion for ... oh balls. Even I don’t buy that anymore.



We’ll see about the update. I have faith in moominmamma. I think she’s onto something and should be done in only a few months -- after corrections and rewrites and then of course a complete overhaul of the original idea.



Sidenote: I noticed your feedback on “My Heart” - don’t know if you checked back, but I wrote a little something there (“a little something” meaning me rambling on and on about ... me.)



I T - I’ve got the power, huh? So I can, like command you to ... do things? I feel like Jeannie. *Crosses arms and nods head with a DOINK!* Hey - why didn't it work? I don't really have the power, do I?



Centauri2002 - Well, you know what they say. (I’m not going to tell you what they actually say. You just have to guess. Mainly because it’s 2:30 in the morning and I’m tired as hell and left with nothing witty to offer about happy kitties. No puns. Nothing.)



Thanks again, everyone. Although SOME people who shall remain nameless *cough*Tulipp*cough cough*I T*cough* turned it into another one of their playgrounds of relentless sexual innuendoes. Crazy broads. (And I just wanted to add -- every time I write the word "innuendo" I'm always reminded of teen dreams Menudo. Anyone else? It hits me like a cannonball.)



Snipp

----------------------

"BUFFY is my life! I'm so into Willow being a lez!" - Jack, "Will & Grace"

[kbk3022]

So...who's got the power snipp?

[The Big I T]

Ooh..."Playground of sexual innuendo". I like that.



Tulipp? Did I happen to mention that we have a brand new policy of mandatory recess where I work? Yep. Sent the memo out myself just this morning.



And snipp? You *do* have The Power. Well, Some Kind of Power. I think. About what time was it that you "Doinked" last night. Cuz something of a "magical" nature rousted me from a very restful slumber last night...

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- some guy, saying something useful, in The Initiative

[snippygal]

kbk3022 - This power thing seems to be up for debate. I know the Puff Girls do, and the Rangers do, but I'm not so sure I do. You want it? You can have the power. I hereby give you the power.



I T - I doinked you in the wee hours of the morning (when I usually like to do my doinking). Now, here's the question - did you first dream about monkeys jumping up and down and having Jodie Foster in a only a toga rescue them? And then sit up in bed erect and alert with my name in your head? If so ... then I DO have the power!



Snipp

-----------------------

"BUFFY is my life! I'm so into Willow being a lez!" - Jack, "Will & Grace"

[The Big I T]

snipp, *my* Jodie Foster didn't have anything on but the radio. Other than that though...

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- some guy, saying something useful, in The Initiative

[Tulipp]

Quote:

---

Sent the memo out myself just this morning.

---

IT, it kinda sounds like you have the power. Sign me up for mandatory recess.



And Snipp...doink me next! Me me me!

***************

"Run, flee, maybe skedadlle. We're not here to engage. This is strictly recon." Willow, on season seven, in "This Year's Girl"

[snippygal]

Gosh, I T, now you got me doinking myself.



I don't know, Tulipp, it's the middle of the day and I'm not so sure you can handle --- oh what the hell. DOINK!



------------------

"BUFFY is my life! I'm so into Willow being a lez!" - Jack, "Will & Grace"

[Tulipp]

Oh my god...flashes of...Laurel Holloman...and a baby elephant...and a--is that a pencil sharpener?--and some vanilla yogurt....



Was that you Snipp?



I feel compelled to say "handcheck" at the thought of everyone doinking. And that is al. I am going back to work.



Edited to add: Was that one post too many? I always do one post too many. Sigh.

***************

"Run, flee, maybe skedadlle. We're not here to engage. This is strictly recon." Willow, on season seven, in "This Year's Girl"

Edited by: Tulipp at: 10/17/02 10:40:32 am

[moominmamma]

Snipp,

Mocking? Me? Never! In fact, by obeying your commands, I seem to have discovered my life's calling: itinerant cultural critic. Line up, kittens. Theoretical bullshitting for all occasions, especially dissertations. Tulipp, you are first in line. Don't worry about payment; we can take it out in trade.

[ruby]

(*blowing Diet Coke out of nose due to extreme laughter*)



God, I love this thread.

Wow, that was so close to being empowering.-- "Same Time, Same Place"

Edited by: ruby at: 10/17/02 2:22:34 pm

[snippygal]

Title: Season 7

Author: snippygal

Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/ Italics - Kitten-vision - R

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Whedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die.

Spoilers: Joss Whedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.





Okay, you little bastards. You asked for it.



Author’s note: Snippygal does not wish to promote the recreational use of tobacco products. While she may enjoy the occasional pack a day, it has been noted by the insightful kids on those perky truth.com™ commercials that smoking could prematurely end your life. Don’t be a butthead.



moominmamma, you're not allowed to read this.





“BUFFY” Episode 7.15 - “Willow & Tara’s Day O’ Fun”



LAST TIME:



“Hi, honey! I brought lunch!”



Willow smiles, untangles herself and drops to the floor.



“Thanks!” she replies with a kiss.



AND NOW:



“You hang up.”



“No, you hang up.”



“ I’m not gonna hang up, baby. You hang up, first.”



Willow and Tara have been playing this hang up game for a little over an hour. It’s silly, really, considering they’re in the same room together.



Willow glances over at Tara. “We’ll hang up together.”



“Okay,” Tara agrees. “On three.”



“One --”



“Two --”



“Three --”



“You didn’t hang up!”



“Neither did you!”



Buffy enters the bedroom. She takes the cordless phone out of Willow’s hand and hangs it up. Willow pouts up at her as Tara hangs up the cell phone and joins her girlfriend on the bed.



“I need the phone,” Buffy says as she starts to leave the room. Pausing, she turns around to the two girls on the bed.



“You weren’t having phone sex in here, were you? Because that’s just weird. And while we’re on the subject -- I’d appreciate it if you didn’t have any kind of sex in here. I mean, this is my dead mother’s bedroom.”



“God, Buffy. Cordelia much?”



Buffy’s eyes narrow at Willow’s comment. “Hey! I spent most of last night being chased all over town by a giant dictionary. The college edition! I’m cranky.”



“I’m sorry, Buffy. I know how you hate to study,” Willow offers with an unnoticed smirk.



“It’s okay, Will. I’m just freaking out a little about this promotion I’m getting.”



“Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh --”



Willow slaps Tara on the back.



“What promotion?” Tara finally gets out, then turns to Willow. “Thanks, honey.”



“Oh, I talked to Principal Johnson. He wants to move me from lunch lady to head counselor.”



“But you’ve only had like a year and a half of college. And I wrote all your papers and took all your tests for you.”



“I know. But Principal Johnson thinks that since I’m always at the school anyway, he can turn something that’s creepy into something that’s positive.”



Willow and Tara patronize Buffy with a nod.



Buffy holds up the phone. “So, now I’m calling to order some books. ‘The Idiot’s guide to Helping Children Deal with Suicide’ and ‘Psychologically Analyzing the Trouble Teen For Dummies’.”



By this point, Willow and Tara have stopped listening to Buffy. After Willow had slapped Tara on the back, just the touch had made her a fully turned on machine. She looks into Tara’s eyes.



“Wanna do it?” a romantic Willow telepathically says to Tara.



“What about Buffy’s dead mother’s memory?”



“I think Joyce would have wanted it this way.”



“Hello? Earth to Willow and Tara.” Buffy still stands in the doorway holding the phone.



Willow and Tara just keep looking at each other with those eyes. You know the kind of eyes I’m talking about. You guys read smut.



Buffy cocks her head at them. “Okay, well, I’m gonna go order those books. I’ll see you guys later. And remember what I said -- no sex in here!”



“We know, we know. Your dead mother’s memory and all,” Willow replies without looking up.



“That reminds me. Dawn and I haven’t been to her grave since we buried her. Weird,” Buffy muses, as she leaves, closing the door.



At the sound of the door’s click, Willow pounces on top of Tara.



-----------------------

36 hours later ---



Willow and Tara lie flat in bed, side by side, barely breathing. Willow lights up a cigarette, takes a drag and passes it to Tara. Tara accepts it and enjoys the smoke coursing through her lungs.



Willow apologetically looks to her lover. “I’m sorry, baby.”



Tara leans into Willow. “Oh, sweetie. Dear beautiful sweet baby honey. My wonderful Willow wover,” Tara begins, bordering on baby talk. “It’s okay. I know you’re tired with your new trapeze training. We’ll try to break our record another time.”



Willow furrows her brow. “Just 2 more hours, though.”



“It’s okay. We need to get dressed and be on set soon, anyway.”



Slowly climbing out of the sheets, they both end up falling onto the floor on either side of the bed.



They both lie on their respective sides of the floor for a few moments.



“Baby?” Tara calls.



“Yeah, sweetie?”



“We forgot to stretch before, didn’t we.”



“Yep.”



After several attempts and half an hour, Tara and Willow make it into the shower. Together, of course. You can’t expect them to be apart for too long.



Tara, a much more focused woman, has dressed quickly and sits at the vanity, brushing her hair, looking like the goddess that she is.



Willow stands in a towel; a very small towel. One that covers very little. Tara notices the small material and for once is very happy she let Buffy do the laundry that one day. She notes her lover’s frustration as she stares into the closet.



“What’s wrong, Luv? My tasty banana puddin’? My little red hot candy? My tiny mama?” Tara asks.



Willow reaches in and pulls out a few articles of clothes. She lays them out on the bed.



“Will this look okay?”



Tara looks over the selection very carefully. Sea green cargo pants with bright red patches and a hot pink t-shirt with green and purple octopi on it. They’re blowing bubbles with kittens inside of them. Blue letters at the bottom read: 'Moe’s Towing Service'.



“Oh, honey, my favorite shirt! You look so cute in that shirt,” Tara enthuses.



“So this will go with my sneakers?” Willow asks, holding up a pair of orange Adidas.



Tara nods her approval and smiles. Willow smiles back and quickly gets dressed.



----------------------------------



Across town ---



Xander --- does nothing. This is Willow and Tara’s episode.



----------------------------------



Willow and Tara walk along the sidewalk, hand in hand, enjoying the cloudless day. The sun shines particularly on them. Life is good and they know it. Up ahead, Willow sees a spectacle of sorts. A large Grizzly is riding a unicycle and carrying a bearded woman midget on it’s shoulders.



“Hey! Work people!” Willow exclaims, her face lighting up. "Come on, Tare. I wanna introduce you!”



Willow and Tara meet the bear and the little person, who stop to chat, the bear keeping impeccable balance holding the unicycle still.



“Hey, Paul.” Willow says up to bearded woman on the bear. “Tara, this is Paul. Paul, Tara.”



Paul leans down to shake Tara’s hand and they exchange pleasantries.



“And this big guy is Harold,” Willow introduces, pointing to the bear.



“Roar!!!” Is all Harold says. Because he’s a bear. And bears growl.



Tara reaches her hand to shake the bear’s paw, but Willow quickly slaps it away.



“Careful, baby. He may seem like a big old teddy bear, but he’s also a real bear. The circus just recently rescued him from his home in the wild to force him to be a performer.”



“That’s right,” Paul adds. “I’m only able to ride him because I have this electric prodder.” Paul holds up the prodder and shocks the bear with it.



“Roar!!!”



“It was nice meeting you, Tara,” Paul nods to Tara. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Willow.”



“Bye,” the two wave together as Paul and Harold ride down the sidewalk.



Willow and Tara continue to walk in silence for a few moments. Willow suddenly gets worried. She and Tara never go this long in silence. Unless it’s one of those right after sex silences where they’ve been rendered literally speechless.



“What’s wrong, baby?”



“Nothing, baby.”



“Tell, me, baby. Something’s wrong. Baby. What is it, baby?”



“Oh, baby. It’s nothing.”



Willow stops Tara and turns to her, looking her in the eyes.



Tara caves. “Y-y-y-y-y-y-” She stops, frustrated.



“It’s okay, baby. Take your time. Sound it out,” Willow encourages her.



“Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you slapped me.”



Willow gasps.



“Gasp!”



Then she regains her composure. “When did I slap you?”



“When I tried to be cordial with Harold.”



“Oh, sweetie. I was just trying to protect you.”



“It really hurt. It frightened me.”



“I frighten you?”



“Well, it sure as hell didn’t impress me.”



“Tara, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”



Tara waves her hand through the air. “I really don’t want to do this. The last time we had this argument, I ended up crazy. And don’t think I don’t remember all those things you made me do while I was like that.”



Willow lowers her head. “Oh, you remember that, huh?”



“I mean, the French maid thing was one thing -- with the spanking and the tickling -- but making me iron your homework and polish all your math awards?”



“I’m sorry,” Willow says quietly. “Next time you're crazy, I’ll just feed you applesauce and leave it at that. And the next time you come close to a dangerous animal who could conceivable maul and kill you, I’ll just play with your boobs to take your attention off the animal. Kay?”



Tara half smiles and all the Kittens swoon. “Okay.”



The two girls walk off into the sunset. Little do they know the dangers PAX and Marti Noxon have waiting for them.



END of 7.15



----------------------------------

"BUFFY is my life! I'm so into Willow being a lez!" - Jack, "Will & Grace"

Edited by: snippygal at: 10/19/02 12:29:53 am

[mscheckmate]

Quote:

---

The last time we had this argument, I ended up crazy.

---

I'm going to take this line out of context and use it the next time my gf and I have one of our oh-so-civilized fights. You know the type: "So you're saying that when I do 'X', you feel all 'Y.'"etc., etc. Making her think I just might be crazy is so much better than doing all of that processing. She'll be so afraid of what I might do, that she'll go along with whatever I want. So, thanks, Snippygal.



I so love this fic. Your mind works in mysterious, deliciously twisted ways. I just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Xander: "Tara, nice axing." Tara: "My first."

Edited by: mscheckmate at: 10/19/02 12:53:22 am

[Centauri2002]

Another nice update... but sooo much better because it's W/T centric only. I was just wondering... do Willow and Tara think of anything else other than sex? Not that I blame them.



Caz

Tara: I got so lost
Willow: I found you... I will always find you

[Tulipp]

All Willow Tara all the time!



This. Was. Great. The cell phones. The smutty eyes. The funny clothes. The 36 hour marathon with no stretching. A bear named Harold. The orange Adidas. An implied update-long hand check of all Kittens.



Dumb Buffy. I just KNEW Willow did all her work for her.



Sigh. Snipp, where did you come from and is everyone there a hilarious genius like you?

***************

"Run, flee, maybe skedadlle. We're not here to engage. This is strictly recon." Willow, on season seven, in "This Year's Girl"

[The Big I T]

snipp...you are -- as always -- freakin' hilarious and *hugely* entertaining. *suddenly thinks back with great fondness to a certain mid-slumber magical doink complete with dream-induced vision of naked Jodie Foster*



36 hours of W/T lovin' and *still* 2 hours short of the record...(note to self: gotta remember to *always* stretch first)...Tara meeting Willow's work friends...Tara half-smiles and all the Kittens swoon...(ain't that the truth)...and the description of Willow's ensemble for the day, post-sex marathon. Freakin'. Hilarious.



Oh!! And that pair of ORANGE adidas?!?!



Are you *trying* to turn me on now?



Cuz it's working, snipp. I'm here to tell you....it's working!!

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- some guy, saying something useful, in The Initiative

Edited by: The Big I T at: 10/19/02 10:22:07 am

[snippygal]

mscheckmate - Certainly glad I could help with the relationship advice. However, I’m not so sure you should really listen to anything I have to say. I make women angry. What you should do is just admit you’re wrong and give her flowers. No matter what happened. Wait. Don’t do that. Stop listening to me! I have no idea what I’m talking about! Okay. Go with the crazy. That might work.



Thanks for your kind words about “Bobby”. It’s going to be a bumpy ride here on out. But the good kind of bumps. You won’t wanna miss it.



Centauri2002 - I know for a fact that even on those strange episodes of Buffy on that wacky television, all Willow and Tara thought about was sex. You just didn’t know it, what with it being (and I use the term very loosely) network television and all. But in the wonderful world of “Bobby”, we get to actually acknowledge that they have sex. Not that you actually read much about it since I don’t write smut. Seriously. You don’t want to see that.



Tulipp - I am queen of hilarious geniuses. No one can match wits with me. I am the most deranged and highly revered where I am from. The natives in my village hold up long pointy sticks and chant “Snipp! Snipp! Snipp! All hail Snipp!” I am loved, adored and honored on a daily basis.



Actually I just do a lot of drugs. When I send out my natives for marijuana, I request it be laced with something. But I don’t specify what. I like to be surprised. In return, we get circus bears and a dumb blonde working as a counselor at a school. Oh wait, that wasn't all me ...



I T - You know you can count on me for all your doinking necessities, but just remember, the first one is free. Each additional doink is $3.49. Yes I am trying to turn you on. Wasn’t the blatant shout out to your strange taste in shoes obvious enough? Because it was supposed to be. This whole fic is intended to be just some good old-fashioned shameless flirting. You know I heart your weird obsession with the color orange. I’m guessing it’s a football thing. But that can be overlooked.



kbk3022 - I was hoping people would realize that I am not a bad, redundant writer (well, I AM, but I was hoping people wouldn’t notice) and see that I was just poking a little harmless fun at the over-cuteness that is Willow and Tara. I’m glad you liked the slap on the back. Every now and then back in season 4 and 5, I wanted Willow to do that. Just help her spit it out, you know?



I’ll see what I can do about Xander. He’s sneaky, weaseling his way into Willow and Tara’s episode.



To those who liked this, I’m glad you liked it. To those who hated it - go to hell. This is funny stuff and you know it.



Snipp

---------------------------------

"BUFFY is my life! I'm so into Willow being a lez!" - Jack, "Will & Grace"

[AlteaThree]

I just want to say...I've lurking around reading this fic for a while, I finally wanted to say ...this is such a cool fic! You've managed to parody everyone except Willow and Tara. I mean, you parody situations they are in, but not the characters themselves. But, please, before Xander gets too pathetic, could Sara come back? I'm kidding...I think...

Anyways, Day O' Fun was really well done, and a nice touch.Also, I love how Buffy could really be like that in the show...maybe she should be bit a "knowledge demon".

And, of course, I love how Willow is not evil and Tara is alive-and they get to be together. Well, unless you bring out Joss!

[mollyig]

Buffy's accusation that our girls were having phone sex - heh! Loved Willow's choice of clothes, and Tara's approval of said clothes. I thought Buffy's book ordering was brilliantly funny!

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[snippygal]

AlteaThree - Hey, hey. Don’t talk like that. No Joss. I’m the puppet master here and I take care of my lesbians. Here’s MY mission statement: Buffy’s dumb, Willow and Tara are healthy happy lesbians with no consequences, and Xander doesn’t get laid. Sorry - no Sara. Well ... maybe.



mollyig - Well, now, Buffy might have been right on with that one. I mean, who’s to say they weren’t having phone sex. We are talking about 2 girls who, ya know, turned themselves into bunnies. I’m thinking that’s all that’s on their minds. Oh ... and love. Can’t forget love.



-------------------------------------------------------

"BUFFY is my life! I'm so into Willow being a lez!" - Jack, "Will & Grace"

[AlteaThree]

EeEEK!!! Dont get me wrong!, I did say that in theory if you brought back Joss it would suck, I dont want it to suck!!!And hey, it would be funny if Buffy was bitten by a knowledge demon but she was soooooo stupid that she killed the knowledge demon by taking out all its knowledge. Besides, as I said I love this fic just the way it is...it's a parody: we have to come here to have Willow and Tara together and to see how Xander would be if he were a complete stupid loser. because, on show, he's a loser with a job and an almost-wife and lots of women and vamps flirting with him...

But as long as you keep W/T together I dont care if you make Buffy go back to grade 1 and Xander go to hermaphdite Angel