Title: Season 7
Author: snippygal
Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/
Italics - Kitten-vision - R Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Whedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die.
Spoilers: Joss Whedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.
“BUFFY” Episode 7.13 - “Ch-ch-changes!”
LAST TIME:
Buffy cowers over in the corner rubbing her toes. "Ask me again why I can't dance with you!"
Spike gets up, the dumbass that he is, walks over to Buffy and asks "Why?"
Buffy rolls her eyes. "Because you can't dance, Spike!"
Her words wound him very deeply. As a vampire, he's killed lots and lots of people, two Slayers even. He's got the white hair and burning scalp, and smokers cough to prove that he's a badass. Yet, he cannot dance. He glances down and notices Buffy's swollen toes. Wincing in an obvious display of remorse, Spike runs out of the library.
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Anya, now fully dressed, turns back to Xander. "I love you, Xander, but if you can't give me orgasms, I can't be with you. Sorry. Bye."
Anya leaves. Xander is devastated.
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"Sir, I can't handle this on my own!"
"Sure you can, Martin," Joss offers, ushering her out the door. "Now, you have to leave because it's going to be lunchtime soon. Hot dog Surprise! Mm mm."
Absentmindedly, Marti spouts "I don't know about you, but I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs."
Joss stops for a moment, a faraway look in his eyes.
"What is it, sir?"
“Martin. I - I remember." ---------------------------------------
AND NOW:
“Dear Lord,” Giles says.
“What? What is it?” Buffy panics as her head perks up.
“Thank you for this food and for the family we have here with us today --” Giles continues with a prayer.
Buffy looks around feeling a bit sheepish for her common reaction to Giles’ favorite phrase. Instead of bowing her head, she looks around the table: Willow, Tara, Dawn, Giles and Xander are all gathered for Thanksgiving dinner. She catches Giles’ eye, who, while saying grace glares at Buffy. She quickly lowers her head.
“Amen,” everyone says and they begin to pass around food and conversation.
“So, Dawn,” Buffy begins. “I was going through some of the school records and --”
“Why were you doing that?” Dawn asks, a little too suddenly and a little too suspiciously.
“Because I’m the Slayer. I investigate stuff. I’ve gotten a lot smarter over the seasons.”
Snickers are stifled all around the table.
“Anyway,” Buffy continues, “I noticed that Janice isn’t enrolled in school anymore.”
“Um .. home schooling,” Dawn offers as she takes a bite from a roll.
“Oh. Okay,” Buffy replies, digging into her third pumpkin pie.
“So, Xander,” Willow says, turning to her friend. “When are you gonna tell us where Anya is?”
“Yeah,” Buffy says, her mouth covered in whipped cream. “You just got her back on the show and then -- poof. She’s gone.”
Xander sits with his head down, pushing the food around on the plate with his fork. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
No one presses the issue further because, well, to be perfectly honest, none of the other Scoobies really care what happens in Xander’s life. And no one ever respected Anya, simply due to her terrible taste in boyfriends. As if being in synch with the narrator, Willow starts thinking about Anya and how she does like her -- she even had that little crush on her in season 4.
“Will!”
Willow looks at Tara, responding to the voice in her head.
“What?” Willow asks without opening her mouth.
“You had a crush on Anya? In season 4? But that’s when you met me.”
“No - it was just a little thing and it was before “Hush” and -- hey! No invading my thoughts!”
“I’m sorry. I just -- I missed your brain. And your other squishy parts.”
Willow blushes at Tara and her half-smile.
Buffy has been noticing this strange quiet exchange for the last few minutes and finally says something.
“What’s up with you two?”
Xander, whose head is still down, believes Buffy is addressing him and responds. “I couldn’t get it up, alright?! Stop hounding me!”
Dead silence.
Xander finally looks up, dopey-eyed.
“What?”
Buffy shakes her head. “Not you and Anya. I meant you two." Buffy points to Willow and Tara who are still a little stunned and a tad scared after hearing about Xander's little timber.
"What did we do?" Willow asks.
Buffy waves her hand around. "You two are all -- lovey-dovey like you get." She thinks for a second. "Hand check!"
Buffy, Giles and Dawn hold their hands up high over their heads. Willow and Tara roll their eyes and raise theirs as well. A hand check is a very common thing among this hormonal, incestuous little group. Willow glares at Buffy, who simply shrugs a little. "Sorry, Will. Just had to be sure. Don't want you two bunnying out on us again."
As everyone lowers their hands, they all notice Xander's hands are still under the table. They all stare at him until he innocently looks up at them.
"Sorry," he grins. "Just giving him a little pep talk."
Giles drops his fork on his place. "That's enough, Xander. You go eat in the other room."
"But --"
"Go."
Giles points towards the kitchen door, shunning Xander. He hangs his head, picks up his plate and leaves.
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Meanwhile on the streets of Detroit ---
Spike trudges on, the wind at his back, his hands buried in his coat pockets. He mutters to himself through the snow. "Bitch is gonna see a change."
A homeless man steps up to him. "Ya got change?"
"Sorry, mate. On a mission. Gotta find Berry. A change is gonna come." ----------------------------------
The next night in Sunnydale ---
"Hello, friend. We see that you and your people have already occupied this land. We won't disrupt your way of life. We will take our boat and colonize elsewhere."
Dawn, dressed as a pilgrim, stands on the stage in the Sunnydale High Auditorium. Retelling the age-old story of Thanksgiving, dozens of high school students wear pilgrim and Indian costumes.
"Not to worry," one of the Indians says to Dawn. "Please. Take our land and resources. You are obviously smarter and more civilized.
We will go elsewhere."
"Please don't leave. Stay with us. We will teach you the finer points to being a good human being, like Christianity."
"That sounds fun."
Buffy, Giles, Willow and Tara sit in the audience with proud looks on their faces.
Buffy, Giles, Willow and Tara sit in the audience with mortified looks on their faces. Tara turns to Willow. "Um, I don't think this is how it happened, is it?"
Willow shakes her head. Xander sits next to Principal Johnson in the front row. They're dressed in identical suits and are smiling like fools.
"The play was a wonderful idea, sir. Very ... historically accurate."
"Well, I mean, this is what America is all about. Learning to live together. Being friendly with those different from us. Good bless us all."
"Good bless us, indeed."
Xander looks up. "Excuse me one sec, kay?"
Principal Johnson narrows his eyes. "Hurry back, Harris. Don't make me go through this P.C. crap alone."
Xander nods and quietly slips out of the auditorium.
Out in the hall, Xander leans against a locker, pulls a flask from his jacket and tips back the peach schnapps.
"Ahh ... sweet relief."
Angel suddenly taps into the hallway, wearing a top hat and tales and dancing with a cane.
"Angel," Xander says, looking up from his flask. "What are you doing still hanging around here?"
"I have to warn Buffy about something."
"What is it now?"
"Oh, I don't think you can handle it, kid."
Xander stomps his foot and tosses his arms about. "Why?! I'm old enough! Tell me! I wanna help!"
Angel holds out his hands. "Alright, alright. Stop crying. Geez, you're acting like Buffy when she's going for the Emmy."
Xander sticks out his bottom lip and starts to pout.
"Hey," Angel says gently. "Don't be like that."
"I'm not like Buffy," Xander mumbles, shuffling his feet.
"No, you're not. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." Angel steps closer to Xander and places his hands on Xander's shoulders.
"Hey there, champ. Can I get a smile?"
Although he tries to keep his frown, he can't stop it from turning upside-down.
"There's my little trooper," Angel smiles back.
Suddenly, without warning (hence the 'suddenly') Xander feels some shifting below his belt and his pants get a little tighter. He looks down, then back up at Angel, with happy tears in his eyes.
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Back in L.A. ---
A panel of doctors sit at a large table. Joss stands before them, Marti sits quietly in the back corner.
"Mr. Whedon, we have been notified of your request to leave. Ms. Noxon has been kind enough to volunteer to take care of you following your release. But we are here to decide whether you stay or go. We have only one question to ask you. What are your intentions for the women of 'Buffy'?"
"Well," Joss answers, twisting his hands together, "I'll have to do some readjusting since we moved to PAX, but the plan was to have Anya not conform to Xander's way of thinking so she'll be forced to leave. Buffy won't give into Spike's advances so he'll try to rape her. Oh! And Tara will be shot brutally after having sex tons of times with Willow."
"Brutally?" one of the doctors asks.
"Well, not 'Godfather' brutal, but there will be blood and a bullet that defies all laws of physics."
"And what will become of Willow?" another doctor asks.
"Well, she goes evil, of course. Lesbians are irrational, using all their common sense on their shoes. If a lesbian's lover dies, she always goes crazy or evil. That's just the way they are. My Godfather's gay, so, I know."
The doctors all look upon Joss. One speaks up. "And do you still consider yourself a feminist?"
"I do."
Marti lowers her head and shakes it sadly.
A gavel comes down hard on the desk.
"Request denied. Mr. Whedon is obviously insane and must remain here with us for more tests and shock therapy." End of 7.13
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A cool red rose and a pink cut pink, a collapse and a sold hole, a little less hot.
by snippygal » Sun Sep 29, 2002 8:56 pm 
Me thinks someone has been partaking in wiccachica's troll crack. 
