Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof

[Tulipp]

Oh good, see, cause that's not bitter either. That's sweet. M & M's are sweet, too, not bitter. Like you. And me.

***************

"I didn't think Willow was that kind of girl."
--Riley in "New Moon Rising"

[MissQuirky]

Again ya got me LMAO!! Great update! Anya was great! Loved the Bronze part! Can't wait 4 more!



~Ashley~

Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know... insane.
Tara: I said quirky.

[kbk3022]

Okay, so I just got back from Alabama last night and boy are my arms tired, wait - that's not right is it? Uh...nevermind.



I loved this update Snipp, the whole Bronze thing, and DeKnight talking about having no pants on, that's so funny, like he would ever say stuff like that all the time. Dawn's study session with Janice was great and of course "let the sex spell be ended" it's so simple isn't it? Wonderful update.





Kasey

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should come around here on Halloween,
you'd really see something then...
we all jump off the roof and fly."

[Tulipp]

Oh, genuine question:



I was talking about this fic to someone, as I do, and she wanted to know where you got the Norman Mormon reference. I said, "it rhymes," thinking that my logic was inpenetrable, but SHE said that it's actually a thing.



Just wondering.

***************

"I didn't think Willow was that kind of girl."
--Riley in "New Moon Rising"

[snippygal]

MissQuirky- It's about time I came clean. I can't take credit for the Bronze stuff. I lifted it directly from the board. Okay. Now I can sleep.



kbk3022- Aww - rub it in why don't ya? "Let the spell be ended" has gotten our gang out of a number of scrapes and near misses, hasn't it?



Tulipp - I know there is a Stormin' Norman -- which as far as I can tell, is just a rhyming thing too. As for MormonNorman, it actually IS a thing. Um ... He's really a Mormon named Norman. Lucky slob.



---------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[kbk3022]

Okay, Snipp...I wasn't trying to rub anything in, I'm not the type of person who just says stuff to make people jealous, I mean so what if I got to see Chance and you didn't, I'm not gonna go on and on about it.



Kasey



Oh, and you're fic is funny. See that's me laughing. Yes, I have a yellow face, so what?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should come around here on Halloween,
you'd really see something then...
we all jump off the roof and fly."

[The Big I T]

snipp..? Where are you snipp...??



It's been so long since you've whispered anything sweet and lovingly misspelled into my eer.

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- Riley, saying something undeniably charming and useful, in The Initiative

[snippygal]

Oh, Eye Tea. I'm here. Just a little busy writing other things. Things that are spelled correctly. Things that will help secure my future and early retirement. Plus, I'm using up all my creativity on making up words that rhyme with Riley.



I'll be back soon. I sware!



Snipp

-----------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[The Big I T]

Quote:

---

Plus, I'm using up all my creativity on making up words that rhyme with Riley.

---

I've been hleping you. Cuz I'm hlepful that way. And I like hleping. Plus, it leaves you more time for misspelled goodness.

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- Riley, saying something undeniably charming and useful, in The Initiative

[snippygal]

Thanks for the hlep.



-------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[Tulipp]

Ewe shood right uh noo chaptur.



Eye wheel hulp cents eye oh ewe won.

***************

"Don’t make fun. I worked long and hard to get this pompous."
--Riley in "Fear Itself"

Edited by: Tulipp at: 9/28/02 7:28:14 am

[snippygal]

Title: Season 7

Author: snippygal

Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/ Italics - Kitten-vision - R

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Wheedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die.

Spoilers: Joss Wheedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.





“BUFFY” Episode 7.11 - “Secrets”



LAST TIME:



Tara half-smiles and they have a quickie in the bathroom.



---------------------------------------



Back at the asylum ...



“Shock therapy. To make me sane again. And help me realize that I’m not a feminist. I’m actually a homophobic sexist bastard. And I’m kinda cocky.”



“So how much do you remember?”



“Remember about what?”



AND NOW:



Willow and Tara straighten their blouses and make their way back to the boys.





Doug and Matt stand as their dates approach.



“Well,” Doug says to Tara. “You look much better. Did you splash some water on your face?”



Tara flashes a quick half-smile Willow’s way.



“Something like that,” she replies, sitting down. Doug reaches over and holds Tara’s hand.



Willow’s eyes grow to the size of cantaloupes.



Tara flinches a little and Doug jerks his hand back in response.



“Well, gosh, Tara, I’m sorry if I was out of line. It’s just that, this being our fourth date and all --”



“Third date,” Willow interrupts, jealousy filling her veins.



“No. No it’s our fourth. We didn’t double for our third.”



Tara lowers her head, unable to look Willow in the eye.



“You’re right, Doug,” Tara mumbles. “I’m sorry.” She inches her hand to Doug’s and they intertwine fingers.



Willow finds herself choking on her own speechlessness. But being Willow, that last only a few seconds.



“Morton.”



“Matt.”



“Right, Matt. You know, I’m not feeling well.”



“Oh? I sure hope you didn’t catch something from Tara.”



“Yeah,” Willow says glaring at the blonde. “Me too. Will you take me home?”



“Sure,” Matt answers, following her out, leaving Tara with Doug.



---------------------------------------



Buffy sits in the library, her nose buried in an old ancient text. Cordelia walks in, her shoes clomping loudly on the linoleum.



“Buffy, what the hell are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out killing something or whatever?”



“Pleasentville, remember? No vamps. What are you still doing here?”



“You people need me. You think you can just replace me with some ex-demon? Think again. I’m staying right here in Sunnydale.”



“I thought ‘Angel’ was doing well. I mean, God, we’re on PAX now and nobody can find Joss to fix this mess.”



“Good riddance, I say. Do you even know what they’re doing to me over there? I’m all nice and so they’re making me all nice and then they’re going to kill me or something. No thank you.”



“Well, while you’re here, make yourself useful and grab a book. Something’s going on around here.”



“But Buffy, you don’t even know how to read.”



Buffy flips the book around to show pictures. Cordy nods her understanding. She sits down and grabs a book with words.



“So,” Buffy begins, nonchalantly, “Angel’s a girl, now, huh? Wild.”



“Mm hmm.”



“So, like, does that make me ...”



“Yes, you’re a total lez!” Cordelia replies with a huff.



Giles enters with a bowling shirt on. He drops his bowling bag on the floor with a thud.



“I do believe hell has frozen over,” he says at the sight of Buffy and Cordelia in the library studying.



Buffy looks up. “We’re trying to figure out what’s going on around here.”



“Oh, Buffy,” Giles nearly yells with a frustrated sigh. “Why must you constantly disobey me?”



Buffy leaps out of her chair and gets in the Watcher’s face. “You wanna punish me?”



Cordelia slams her book shut. “Okay. You know what? For three years, everyone said something creepy was going on with you two. And I said ‘Oh no. It’s not like that.’ I defended you! Who knows why. But now, I’m thinking they were right.”



Buffy and Giles both sneer at her, but nonetheless nervously move apart.



“Cordelia, what are you still doing here?” Giles asks. “You haven’t been in this library since you were trying to sleep with Wesley.”



“Wesley,” she scoffs. “Yeah, he’s slipping into big bad pants this season. And it doesn’t look good on him.”



“Wesley?!” Buffy and Giles say together.



“Yeah. Boring old Wesley.”



Buffy wrinkles her forehead. “The same thing happened in my dream with Willow.”



“Well, maybe Joss is recycling storylines from your dreams. Its not like he’s been overly original lately, anyway. Hello - Connor? Reminds me a lot of someone's little sister!”



Buffy silently walks around the library for a few moments.



“What’s she doing?” Cordelia asks.



“Uh, Buffy, please try not to think too much. You might pass out. You remember what happened last time," Giles reminds her.



"I think I've figured it out," Buffy says.



---------------------------------------



SLAM!



Willow storms through the trailer and throws her jacket onto the floor. She paces back and forth, working herself into a perfectly good babble. Tara walks in, timid, but firm. She slowly closes the door.



“Willow, you need to calm down and let me explain.”



“Yes, Tara. Please explain this to me. Explain this third date you never told me about. Explain the groping!”



“What groping? I just held his hand. It was in the script.”



“And you’re so willing to do everything in the script, aren’t you?”



“I don’t know why you’re being like this. You’re the one I love. The one I turned into a bunny with. Not Doug.”



“Don’t even say his name! You have no right to even --”



“They’re going to kill off my character!” Tara has finally said it and Willow is finally listening.



Tara takes a deep breath and continues. “I read on ‘Ain’t It Cool News’ that if they can’t give me something useful to do, they’ll kill off my character. So if I’m not with you, I have no purpose. I -- I don’t want to become Riley.”



“Tara --”



“There’s more, Will. I read stuff about you.”



“What kinda stuff?”



“If I get killed, you’ll turn evil.”



Willow snorts out a laugh. “No. No,” she says through her laugh. “I know things have gotten kinda weird around here, but I wouldn’t go that far. Herc never knows what he’s talking about.”



“No, I mean, Joss told me.”



“What?”



“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I promised him I wouldn’t.”



“Does everyone else know? Am I the only one he didn’t --”



“No, God. He didn’t even mean to tell me. It just came out.”



“How could he hide something like that from me?”



“I think he wanted to keep it low-key. You know what a freak he is. He was pretty excited about it.”



“But it’s such a cliche!”



“I know. That’s why I’m hoping to change his mind.”



“When did he tell you?”



“Before the move to PAX. Before he’s been missing.”



“We need Buffy.”



“But isn’t Buffy, ya know, kinda slow?”



“Oh yeah. I guess I’ve just gotten used to relying on her.”



---------------------------------------



Xander and Anya argue as they walk along the sidewalk.



“Ahn, we’ve been over this a million times! I don’t want any of your friends at the wedding! They’re strange!”



“I used to be just like them, Xander!”



“Well, I’m not marrying the girl you used to be. I’m marrying the girl I’ve turned you into.”



“But --”



“Besides, how are we gonna have a wedding on PAX with all those demons around? They’ll all get cut out anyway.”



“Well, there goes our only chance for an Emmy,” Anya states under her breath.



“Plus, I had to do a lot to get you back onto the show.”



“What are the conditions again?”



“No sex talk, vengeance or vengeance demon talk, no torture talk or death talk and no dirty jokes. Oh! And don’t be so vein or talk about money so much.”



“So what the hell am I supposed to do?”



“Just sit there and be pretty.”



Anya shrugs as they near Janice’s house.



A sluggish man staggers up to the house and knocks loudly on the door. A woman dressed in a lace nightie pulls him inside.



“Say, isn’t that Janice’s house?” Xander asks as they pass by.



---------------------------------------



Back at the library ...



“ -- and that’s how babies are made!” Buffy finishes her explanation of the birds and the bees. She looks up to Giles and Cordelia with her eyebrows raised and wears a proud, hopeful smile. “Am I right? Do I get a cookie?”



“Yes, Buffy,” Giles sighs. “Very good. You’re learning so much in our time together.”



“Oh, I learned all that from the doctor,” Buffy says to Giles.



“Dr. Who?” Giles asks.



“The Sex Ed doctor here at the school. She’s taught me a lot about reproduction and stuff.”



“Okaaay,” Cordelia says under her breath.



Before anymore exposition of the sex doctor in question can take place, in dances Angel.



“Buffy. We have to talk.”



END of 7.11

---------------------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[Rane]

good lord, i cant even remember if i've ever replied to this thread before but this is one hilarious romp! i love jealous willow and her and tara double dating and sexing on the sly. it's so out there and just funny. i'm glad there's a silly wonderfully written fic like this to just laugh and laugh... thanks

TARA- It looks like gibberish.
SPIKE- (moving to them) Gibberish?
TARA- Or possibly gobbledygook. It's not words, anyway…

the yoko factor

[TromDeGrey]

Everytime I would IM Tulipp she would ask me if I had read this yet. Snippy, I hate to tell you this, but I think you have a stalker. Totally hilarious and I'm sorry I haven't read/replied to this sooner!!!

"Live or die, but don't poison everything..." -Anne Sexton

[kbk3022]

Nice update Snipp, very funny. I like how Willow always calls that guy another name, Morton, Milton, whatever. And this line cracked me up “Well, I’m not marrying the girl you used to be. I’m marrying the girl I’ve turned you into.” That's a great line.



Oh, and hey look who found the update thread.



Kasey

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should come around here on Halloween,
you'd really see something then...
we all jump off the roof and fly."

[Tulipp]

You are freaking brilliant. Is there nothing in this horrible devastationy mess that you can't make funny? I have to say this (and by the way, thank you for gently overlooking my really stupid and ill-advised post above; I just start posting sometimes)...I know that I have been responding pretty much about how hilarious this fic is, but tonight, I have to also say that I'm finding it among the Healing Fics, as well. It's helping me to laugh at something that hurts a lot, and I want to thank you for that.



But back to complimenting you on your humor...I love Angel the lesbian, I love Wesley in bad ass pants, Willow being used to relying on slow Buffy is great, and I like it that Janice is running a bordello as well as a drug ring now. Hee hee.



This was my favorite:

Quote:

---

“Does everyone else know? Am I the only one he didn’t --”



“No, God. He didn’t even mean to tell me. It just came out.”

---

So funny. So great. And...one more time...this whole story is like a big bandaid, the kind with the antiseptic on it so that it heals while it sits there, and maybe a cartoon of Winnie the Pooh or something on it. Or maybe something cooler, I'm not sure.

***************

"Don’t make fun. I worked long and hard to get this pompous."
--Riley in "Fear Itself"

[snippygal]

Rane018 - Laughing was the general emotion I was going for. But let me know if you cry. Because that would be different. And different can be good. But, psychological analysis aside, I’m quite certain I’d rather have you laugh. So I’m glad you did. And I’m glad you’re enjoying.



TromDeGrey - It’s all part of the treatment. I’m using my massive “writing skills” to lure her into stalking me and away from a certain Iowa boy who will remail nameless. But I will say his name rhymes with Cameron-Fryly (Dammit! I just can’t stop!)



Thanks for finally listening to the words of a madwoman and wondering over to my messed up little world.



kbk3022 - Hey Kasey! I finally caved to the peer pressure that is the update thread. Whatever. If you can help me think up some more M names, that would be great, because I’m running out. And I can’t just write the boyfriends out of the fic, now can I? Or can I?



Tulipp- It’s Neosporin. “So she won’t scar like I did”. I HAVE to get away from that blasted television. Someone tell me to read a book. And the Band-Aid - Sesame Street. Always cooler.



To answer your question - no. There is absolutely nothing I can’t make funny. Okay, wait. That’s giving myself too much credit. I’ll leave that to you. There is absolutely nothing that I can’t make fun of. How about that?



And Janice. Sweet Baby Janice. You’ve almost got it -- but let me just say this. Things are not always what they seem. (They’re actually for the most part exactly what they seem, but I figured we needed some suspense.)



Seriously Tulipp, my number one fan (and I sort of mean that in an Annie Wilkes kinda way, considering TromDeGrey’s post), I would never overlook a post from you. Just trying to stay mysterious. Thanks for your ever-kind words. You can take a sledge hammer to my ankles any day.



Snipp

--------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[mollyig]

I so needed this giggle fix today.



"Dr. Who?" Giles asks.



Thanks.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[Tulipp]

Just had to say, Snipp, if you happen to receive a typewriter in the mail and the "e" key doesn't work, it's not from me.



I swear.



I'm a good guyly.

***************

"Don’t make fun. I worked long and hard to get this pompous."
--Riley in "Fear Itself"

[snippygal]

mollyig - Glad I could give you a much needed giggle today. Thanks for mentioning the "Dr. Who" reference. Sometimes I'll do anything for a cheap little joke, whether it works or not. This didn't really work - the Doctor isn't important and will never be coming back. Unless she accidentally becomes crucial to the story. But instead of storing my stupid little jokes away to use at appropriate times I just shove 'em all in there at once. What can I say? I'm a planner.



Tulipp - As long as the paper doesn't smudge. That would make me all sighly.



Snipp

-------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[The Big I T]

Quote:

---

"I-I don't want to become Riley."

---

*shudder*



Never, no never. Not by a verrrrry long miley.



(snipp...you're scaring me....please reassure me in that way that only *you* can do...)

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- Riley, saying something undeniably charming and useful, in The Initiative

[Tulipp]

Big IT, you might have to turn a blind eye-ly.

***************

"Don’t make fun. I worked long and hard to get this pompous."
--Riley in "Fear Itself"

[snippygal]

Tulipp, stop scaring Big IT!



IT, knot too wurree. Eye no watt eyem deween.

Tara could never become Riley. It's just her fears playing with her. But this is "Bobby"!. Happy endings - Lard Ass's Blueberry Pie Barf-o-Rama! All will be good. You can trust me. Honest. And if all else fails, I can turn it all Sci Fi-ly!



-----------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[kbk3022]

Y'all are really crazy rhyming everything with Riley.

But, you're going to have to stop soon and I recommend that highly.



Kasey

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should come around here on Halloween,
you'd really see something then...
we all jump off the roof and fly."

[The Big I T]

I-I trust you snipp.





And as for you Tulipp:

Quote:

---

Tara could never become Riley.

---

So hahaha-ly.





(And it *does* rhyme, if you're saying "Riley" with an Iowa drawl...ie, "Rah-ly". So there!)

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- Riley, saying something undeniably charming and useful, in The Initiative

Edited by: The Big I T at: 9/30/02 10:02:36 am

[TheWhiz]

Thanks for that! Another wonderfully written part

I needed a laugh today after my first day back at Uni!!

"I am a whiz...If ever a whiz there was"


"Make your own kind of music"-Mama Cass

[Tulipp]

Hey, Big IT,



Talk to the hand, baby, because I'm holding it up highly.



To you, said with a nice southern drawl, that's "haly."



No, not really. I would never do that.



But seriously, someone better put a stop to this because I shorely isn't going to be me. I have a riley long attention span for this sort of thing.

***************

"Don’t make fun. I worked long and hard to get this pompous."
--Riley in "Fear Itself"

[snippygal]

TheWhiz - You’re welcome for that. I write for you and only you. You know that. I hope the first day went well.



kbk3022 - You’re absolutely right. I think this has to end.



IT, Tulipp, I’m really sorry. But this is my thread and Riley is taking away the attention from the Willow and Tara love. I can’t believe the mods didn’t get on top of this one earlier. I mean, the guy keeps slipping into my fic and I don’t even realize it. It’s causing all kinds of problems. I can’t even sleep at night. I think we need to just let this whole thing curl up and die-ly. (*Sigh*)



--------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[The Big I T]

I can't believe Tulipp said:

Quote:

---

I have a riley long attention span...

---

*deep breath and a blush*



Some phrases have meanings that shift rather low

And that one may follow wherever you go

Double entendre should never be delved into lightly

Or weren't you aware of the fun I'd make rightly

"Riley long" being so much shorter than intended...y'know?







Edited to say I'm sorry snipp. But Tulipp started it...

And hey! Another funny chapter!!

********

"How 'bout them Broncos..." -- Riley, saying something undeniably charming and useful, in The Initiative

Edited by: The Big I T at: 9/30/02 11:22:32 am

[Tulipp]

*hanging head in shame and blushing like crazy.*



Sorry, Snipp...one last thing.



I think, after seeing for the first time the double entendre that IT just pointed out, that I finally scared myself silly.



Okay, it's back to girls' town for me. Come on, everybody. Party's over.

***************

"So hold on to each other. You gotta hold on tonight."--Hedwig and the Angry Inch