Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof

[kbk3022]

Hey, I just wanted to delurk and say this is one of the funniest fics I've ever read. And I love that you threw this in there:

Quote:

---

“Jane,” he says quietly, wearing his ‘sensitive face’. “Hey. Remember when we were eight and we snuck out of the house to go see E.T. and when we rode our bikes home that night, we were scared. But --”

---

I have to say I think I've probably seen every episode of Saved by the Bell, it used to come on every morning before I had to go to school.

[Tulipp]

Okay, how about you do not kill off Riley? How about it? Pretty please? I know this will come as a shock to all of us, but there are *drum roll* other ways of getting a character to go away! Without killling him! It's true!



Plus, Mrs. Finn would be so upset.



p.s. I love that part Autumn just quoted about the forget spell. I'm laughng all over again over that.

[supermus]

Yeah, but if Riley just left again it would simply perpetuate the Jossian pattern of girlfriends dying and boyfriends leaving town, whereas killing him would go *against* that(kinda like my suggestion that Oz should come back for Willow in S7 and get hit by a bus)

--------

"And maybe I'll find out a way to make it back someday, to watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days. If A great wave shall fall, and fall upon us all, then I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you."

[snippygal]

mollyig - Poor, poor Matthew Lillard. I just feel so bad for him. Of all the people in the world to be a side kick to, he has to be one to Freddie Prinze Jr. He he - then I made him one to Riley. Guess I don’t feel too sorry for him, eh?



supermus - Plummeting to his death? Getting hit by a bus? My - you’re a much kinder soul than I. See, I’m planning something gruesome. Something really dramatic. But now that you mention it, that budget is going to be getting rather large isn’t it? This is why I don’t do production management.



AutumnT - See ... I uh ... I strategically place conscious typos in my fics to uh ... see if anyone is ... truly paying attention. And hey -- you were! So ... uh ... good for you. Well done. *Sigh* I’m a dumbass. I had to read that damn sentence 3 times to figure out where the typo was. When I finally did, I laughed so hard I nearly fell off my chair. I’m retarded.



kbk3022 - Another fan of Saved By the Bell? Wonderful! Let’s start a club! I had to use that in the fic. I just love that heart-warming speech Zack gives Jeesie to keep her from doing more “drugs”. Fine television at its best if you ask me!



Tulipp - Dear, dear Tulipp, sweet friend of mine. You need to understand. I’m giving you what you need. Not what you want. You know, supermus does have a point. I can’t miss a chance to ‘bring back the night’ can I?



----------------------------------

- "Nice beaver"

- "Thanks. I just got it stuffed."

[Tulipp]

Okay, okay, Snip, you got me.



I will place myself in your hands entirely. I am happy to have seen Riley at all. It was a gift. The kind that someone gives you and then takes back again.

[snippygal]

Well, gosh, Tulipp (*bashfully kicks sand with feet*). I haven't had a woman in my hands in so long. I hope I can remember what to do.



-----------------------------

- "Nice beaver"

- "Thanks. I just got it stuffed."

[Tulipp]

Um, I knew you were going to say that. No, I really did.

[snippygal]

Is it THAT obvious that I haven't had a girl in my hands in so long? I mean, really? Am I that pathetic and lacking in charm?



--------------------------

- "Nice beaver"

- "Thanks. I just got it stuffed."

[Tulipp]

Oh, dang. See, this is why you are the comedy writer, not me. Mine always goes wrong. If I had some limeade, I would share it with you. But I don't because I threw all my limes on the wall to try to forget that I wrote that last post. And now I will stop mucking up your thread.

Edited by: Tulipp at: 8/30/02 9:42:43 am

[The Big I T]

snippygal:




You know...I noticed that "typo" and I just assumed -- no, I was convinced -- that you were just going for some sort of twisted subtext. Okay, so maybe I'm a bit embarassed now over that one. But I'm just going to blame it on the full-on gasping and wheezing kind of laughter that surely must have been sucking all the oxygen away from my brain at the time. Yep, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Love this fic so much I'm scaring my dog!

[snippygal]

Yes! Yes! The volumy ... subtext. See, I thought I'd be all obscure ... and ... well, Willow's so small, so she probably eats very little and ... so ... it only makes sense that her waste would be very tiny ... and ... why are we talking about this??

See, this is why I don't write smut. "Tara ran her long tong up Willow's pert and anxious boots" just doesn't have quite the same affect as something say -- spelled correctly.



But I'm glad you and your dog are enjoying this.



And, I'd like to take this opportunity to invite EVERYONE to point out all of my simple spelling errors for all to see. I mean, really, how else can we learn?



---------------------

- "Nice beaver"

- "Thanks. I just got it stuffed."

[Centauri2002]

Quote:

---

Yes! Yes! The volumy ... subtext. See, I thought I'd be all obscure ... and ... well, Willow's so small, so she probably eats very little and ... so ... it only makes sense that her waste would be very tiny ... and ... why are we talking about this??

See, this is why I don't write smut. "Tara ran her long tong up Willow's pert and anxious boots" just doesn't have quite the same affect as something say -- spelled correctly.

---

My goddess, I was cracking up when I read that. Heck, I was rolling around on the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks! You're a born comedy writer person.



Caz

Tara: I got so lost
Willow: I found you... I will always find you

[AutumnT]

Quote:

---

And, I'd like to take this opportunity to invite EVERYONE to point out all of my simple spelling errors for all to see. I mean, really, how else can we learn

---

LOL, well we've certainly got a lot of mileage out of this last one.

Autumn

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Buffy Season 6: It grated, like something forced in where it doesn't belong.

[snippygal]

Centauri2002 - Now, if only I can get the actual story to reach that level of comedy, I'll really be onto something, won't I?



I'd just like to say to the 6 or 7 people who are actually reading this that I really appreciate the positive feedback and "constructive criticism" regarding my spelling errors. Except you, Tulipp. I will hopefully have an update soon. Right now I am back home for a dreaded family reunion. Yes, today was such fun. Everyone fell all over themselves with my whore cousins' illegitimate children, while I was shunned as the black sheep of the family because I'm an evil lesbian. *Sigh*



Give me a week to get back the funny.



Snipp

----------------------------

- "Nice beaver"

- "Thanks. I just got it stuffed."

[areslei]

Snippygal, just got caught up on this...you're friggin hilarious. I love this spoof! I really needed this...made my day so much better. Looking forward to the update, but take your time....I have a nice little whore cousin myself where nothing is her fault. I just found out that everyone was bitter towards me, though they just "love me to death" is that they knew I'm gay. My mom is on her happy pills now, so she just "overlooks it because I could be married w/ three kids and only 20 years old." Ha! Anyway, again...friggin hilarious! Love the forget, remember, forget part. And Buffy's “What can I say? I can’t count.” Buffy smirks smugly. But then her lips turn down into a pout, because she realizes that it’s kind of true." And my God, Joss is such a pansyass! Course, we already knew that.

you two are the two who are the two...
Baby, I said it's all in our hands, got to learn to respect what we don't understand...'Fugitive' Indigo Girls

[kbk3022]

I think everyone probably has a whore cousin, I've got one too! Plus, I get two drunk Aunts as well, yay me! Anyway, yeah I love your spoof too, it's awesome. Saved by the Bell rules!!



Kasey

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should come around here on Halloween,
you'd really see something then...
we all jump off the roof and fly."

[snippygal]

areslei & kbk3022 - I'm glad you both could make it to the party that is my crazy little fanfic world. Welcome.



I'm actually working on getting a bill passed proclaiming that "Saved By the Bell" does in fact officially and legally rule. I'll be getting a petition together. I hope I can count on everyone to sign.



Snipp



------------------------

- "Nice beaver"

- "Thanks. I just got it stuffed."

[Tulipp]

Hi Snippy. Are you excluding me because I insulted your love life (bad) or because I would never, never make fun of your spelling errors (good)? Um, I mean, what spelling errors? You had a typo? I don't believe it. I'll never believe it.



Now, pass me another glass of that limeade, will you?



And hey, "enjoy" your family reunion. Although, knowing families, I use the term very, very loosely.

[snippygal]

Tulipp, you crazy kid. I'm excluding you because of your strange, and quite frankly, very unhealthy obsession with one Mr. Finn. You used to make my life more interesting. You used to make my fic seem, what's the word ... good. And funny. And then you make me put Riley in it and I run into the same problems the writers of the show did -- a weak storyline just to bring this goober back. And now I've decided to hold you personally responsible for everything that's ever gone wrong in my life.



Okay, that was harsh. I take it back. I didn't mean it, Tulipp. Come back. I apologize.



----------------------------------

- "Nice beaver"

- "Thanks. I just got it stuffed."

[Tulipp]

Okay, Snip, I'm back. I never really left, though, just took a few moments to think about words that rhyme with Bobby, and you know what? I think they have a lot of potential for my boy.



For example, Riley could get a new hobby. Or he could sit in a lobby. Or he could get a new thimgamabobby. Or he could touch something knobby.



Um, okay, stopping now because that sounded a lot less gay in my head.

[tiredsoul]

OMG, this is one of the funniest stories I've come across in a long time. You should have put a disclaimer not to be drinking liquid while reading. I nearly killed my keyboard. Good think it was water. Definitely a unique look at the buffyverse. Can't wait until your next update.



--celia

---------------------------------

"That was just rude. Now I forget what I was saying."

[snippygal]

Tulipp - I've finally figured it out. You've made one too many Freudian slips regarding Riley and his sexuality. You don't love Riley. You love gay Riley. You're a closet case hag. It's okay. Don't be ashamed. I'll see what I can do about Riley's "knobby".



tiredsoul - Well, be prepared to drink away when my next update graces the board. I can almost guarantee that it will contain very little humor. I swear. I've decided to hang up the rubber chicken and get serious. Get your Kool-Aid ready. Oh Yeah!



-------------------------------

- "Nice beaver"

- "Thanks. I just got it stuffed."

[snippygal]

Title: Season 7

Author: snippygal

Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/ Italics - Kitten-vision - R

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Wheedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die.

Spoilers: Joss Wheedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.

Notes: So I did the tragedy thing. Now it’s time for comedy. At least, I think this is comedy. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced such a thing. It’s a spoof on Season 6 and all the ridiculous things that happened. Not a lot of Willow/Tara goodness, but thought we could use a good hearty laugh. Or at least a tiny chuckle? It’s written in a very simple fashion -- Eye asspyre two bee a Bufffy righter sumeday.



*Additional notes: This is going to be a complete Season 7 (depending, of course, on the response and my commitment -- I have what my ex likes to call “a problem with commitment”, whatever that means.)

I’ll be playing around with reality quite a bit. The italics will be what is happening around the actual scene. You’re gonna have to suspend your disbelief quite a bit.



“BUFFY” Episode 7.8 - “Filler”





LAST TIME:



“Who’s that?” Michelle Pfiefer asks.



“That’s Joss Whedon. He’s sharing a room with your husband.”



Joss quickly stands up, climbs onto the bed and spreads his arms wide and shakes his hands. “I’m sensitive fun guy! Love me!”



The doctor continues, “He’s a frequent visitor of our facilities. We’ve been working on some new techniques to help him. We think we’re very close on a medication that will block out all this dementia he has about female empowerment.”



“But what will that do to his shows?”



“Forget the shows. It will kill the characters themselves.”



AND NOW:



“So,” Buffy thinks to herself. “If Angel’s really a woman, am I gay?” She leads Giles, Xander, Cordelia, Riley and Matthew Lillard through the sewers of Sunnydale. She’s got a stake in her hand, ready to strike at any moment. Giles steps up beside her.



“Buffy, why do you have a stake?”



“I’m a vampire slayer. It’s what I do.”



“Yes, but we’re tracking Freddie Prinze, Jr. He’s not a vampire, so I seriously doubt you want to slay him.”



“Oh, Giles, I’ve already --- oh! Slay him! Yeah. You’re right. Don’t want to slay him. Human. We don’t kill humans.”



Giles twitches a little, which goes unnoticed by Buffy. “Right. We don’t kill humans.”



Climbing back up to the street, Buffy notices a group of lights. Around the corner, they see a sign hanging high over a small building.



ACTING FOR THE PRETTY



“‘Acting for the pretty’? I’ve never heard of this place,” Xander says.



Cordelia looks him up and down with a smirk. “Yeah, you wouldn’t.”



They all peek through the window. Freddie Prinze, Jr. sits in a circle among Keanue Reeves, Denise Richards, Heather Graham and the cast of ‘Friends’. Don Johnson stands in the center, lecturing.



“Now, the next lesson is going to be the reaction shot.”



“Whoa.”



“Very good, Mr. Reeves.”



“No, I was just saying -- whoa.”



“Oh, well you’re a natural. And very pretty.”



“There’s Freddie!” Matthew Lillard points through the window.



“Let’s go,” Riley orders, about to walk in.



“Hold on there, cowboy,” Buffy stops him. “We can’t just walk in there and pull him out.”



“Why not?”



“Because then we find him and you guys take off and leave me again.”



“Yeah,” Xander points out. “And then Buff’ll be all with the sadness and pouting and I’ll have to step in and be all supporto guy, the perfect friend, all manly and available and macho and say all the right things and --- hey! Riley’s right! Let’s go get Freddie!”



Riley storms past Buffy to the door. With his hand on the knob, he turns back to his ex-girlfriend. They share a moment. A very long moment. Like ten minutes. Finally:



“Buffy, I have to do this.”



“I know.”



Cordelia turns to Xander. “We waited ten minutes for that?”



Matthew Lillard pops his head up between them. “Ry likes the drama.”



They all storm inside, Riley and Matthew Lillard leading the bunch. The pretty actors all look up, with really horrible reaction faces.



“Riley! Matthew Lillard! What are you guys doing here?” Freddie asks, with very little emotion in his voice, although it calls for excitement and surprise.



“We came to help you,” Riley answers his friend.



Freddie’s eyes light up. “Are you gonna help me with my lines? Because I’ve got this big audition lined up. I’m up for the role of a high schooler who’s boyishly charming and ---”



“Freddie,” Buffy steps forward.



“Buffy, what are you doing here?”



“Why were you trying to kill Angel?” she asks him.



“Because,” he begins to pout. “There are like millions of Buffy/Angel shippers out there. But how many people are pulling for you and me? Sure, we’ve got the Teen People circuit, but we need more support than that!”



“So you decided to kill Angel?”



“Yeah. Get him out of the picture.”



“Woah.”



“Stay out of this, Neo,” Buffy growls, holding a hand up to silence Keanue Reeves. She moves closer to Freddie. “The love between Angel and me is eternal. I can’t help that. It was written that way.” She stops and gives Riley a little glance.



“Did you see that?” Cordelia whispers to Xander and Giles. “God. Buffy is such a bitch.”



Buffy looks back to Freddie. “But you and me? We’re an E! True Hollywood Story waiting to happen. I give our marriage 18 months, tops. We’re both way too pretty to settle down. Besides, you got paid a million dollars more than I did for ‘Scooby Doo’. And do you know why?”



“Because I have a penis?”



“Yes. AND because you’re worth a lot more by being with me. Now, I, on the other hand have a plummeting stock because of you. Do you get it now?”



Freddie smiles and nods his head. But he doesn’t really get it. And he doesn’t have to. He’s pretty.



Matthew Lillard rushes past Denise Richards and Heather Graham who are making out for no apparent reason. He stands at Freddie’s side.



“You okay, man?”



“Yeah. I just wish I hadn’t slept with Angel, now.”



“What?!” Everyone in the room exclaims.



“Whoa.”



Buffy glares at Keanue Reeves. “Freddie! Why did you have sex with Angel?”



“Well, I went to kill him, but then I found out he was a woman. And he’s so dreamy, so I just figured what the hell and --- anyway, he went all evil.”



Buffy's jaw drops open. “But he’s only supposed to achieve true happiness with me!” she whines.



“Actually,” Cordelia steps in. “He was supposed to ‘achieve’ it with me, too. Then turn all evil and kill me. What do you think I’m doing over here? First they turn me all nice over there and then they plan to kill me off! Like I’ve got any hope for a career after ‘Angel’.”



“Freddie,” Buffy starts. “How was Angel evil?”



He shrugs. “Well, he started singing ‘Copa Cabana’ and then made me Jitterbug with him.”



GASPS.



Freddie hangs his head in shame. His shoulders shake as his sobs flow through him. Riley and Matthew Lillard stand on either side of him and each grab an arm.



“Come on, buddy,” Riley says. They carry him out of the classroom, leaving Buffy behind.



“Wait!” she cries out, her arm out-stretched to the plain Iowa boy. He turns back to her.



“I have to go, Buffy. I have no purpose here. I never really did. I’m filler guy. And that’s okay. Keep your chin up. Whenever sweeps is around, I just might be, too.”



And with that, he, Freddie and Matthew Lillard are gone.



---------------------------------------



Buffy and Giles walk home in silence. But of course silence doesn’t last long with Buffy.



“That was all pretty crazy tonight, huh?”



“That boy is in need of serious psychological assistance.”



“No, not Matthew Lillard. I mean, Riley coming back and Freddie trying to kill Angel. Freddie sleeping with Angel! I mean, God, Angel’s really a woman! Do you think ---”



“Yes, well, the writers are all obviously insane.”



A loud alarm bell interrupts their conversation. A car screeches around the corner past them. A little bit of cash flies out the window. Dawn waves her hand out to them as she speeds by.



“I was just making a withdrawal!” she yells out. “For Janice!”



And the car is gone.



“At least Dawnie is staying out of trouble.”



Giles nods his head.



---------------------------------------





Later than night, Xander drives home in his spankin’ new mini-van he’d purchased because that purple car just wasn’t gay enough.



“Boy,” he says to himself. “That was some deal with Buffy and Riley. And that Matthew Lillard! I can’t wait to see more stuff from him. He’s great!”



He drives in a few moments of silence.



“Gosh,” he sighs, breaking the silent moment. “I sure wish I had a better storyline on the show. Or a storyline at all. I wonder if I’m filler guy, too.”



Just then, he notices a dozen nuns standing next to a broken-down bus. He stops the the mini-van, pulls over and hangs his head out the window. With his best crooked grin he offers to the Sisters, “Well, evening, ladies. Looks like you could use a ride.”



---------------------------------------



Buffy enters Willow’s trailer.



“Will? Are you back from the library, yet? I need some serious best friend time. Riley came back and then he left again and he took Freddie with him. I need to eat lots of chocolate and then throw it up -- because if I didn’t I’d be like 300 pounds by now. Even with Slayer metabolism. So - what do you say?”



She walks into Willow’s bedroom and is surprised to find two bunnies cuddling on the bed. They look up at her.



“Buffy!” a small voice calls out to her.



“What the? Who’s there?”



“It’s Willow!”



“And Tara!”



“Are you guys in the closet? Because if you’re wearing those outfits, I do not want to see that again.”



“Buffy,” Willow’s voice says again. “We’re bunnies!”



“Huh?” Buffy looks down at the bunnies on the bed, who are both looking up at her.



“Yeah,” Tara’s voice says. “We, um, we kind of -- fucked ourselves into bunnies.”



END of 7.8

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She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[tiredsoul]

That was so unfair! Here I was trusting you that I could safely drink my nice hot coffee while reading your next update.

Quote:

---

“Yes, well, the writers are all obviously insane.”

---

So, so true.



That was very funny. Thanks. I needed that tonight.



Well, off to get a new keyboard. This one is kinda sticky now.



--celia

---------------------------------

"That was just rude. Now I forget what I was saying."

[mscheckmate]

Oh. My. God.



snippygal, if you keep making me laugh this hard, I'm going to end up with abs like Alyson.



All the better to have your baby with.

Xander: "Tara, nice axing." Tara: "My first."

[mollyig]

ACTING FOR THE PRETTY



Loved Keanu Reeve's repeated "woah"'s. So funny. As was Buffy's explanation to Freddie about why he got more money that her for Scooby Doo. Although its probably true!



So bye-bye Iowa Boy.



Bunnies? Ohmygawd!

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[snippygal]

tiredsoul - Coffee?!!? Don’t tell me you were drinking coffee while reading this! And HOT coffee?? Don’t you know that coffee makes you think things are funnier than they are? Now if you had been drinking Kool-Aid, you could have sent me the bill. I thought I’d written down the terms of the insurance policies somewhere ...



mscheckmate - Abs like Aly's? So, what are you doing Saturday night?



mollyig - When I’d heard about the salaries, I think I had to go back over it 3 or 4 times to make sure I’d read it right. Then I almost called the magazine to find out if the information was accurate. Sadly, I’m pretty sure the penis did have a lot to do with it. Although, my theory makes sense doesn’t it?



Thanks for the replies. I know things are getting kinda crazy in here and this ep was kinda short. Just bear with me -- I’ve got big plans. Huge. Well, actually they’re fairly minute, but they ARE larger than Smurffs, so I figure that’s something.



Snipp



----------------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[TheWhiz]

Thanks for the update!

, I really can't stess how funny this fic is! Your dialogue is fantastic!

I like to guess what Dawn is gonna have 'borrowed' from Janice each ep! Well it keeps me amused!

"I am a whiz...If ever a whiz there was"

[Tulipp]

Okay, not really. But you....

Quote:

---

With his hand on the knob, he turns back to his ex-girlfriend/

---

See, this is one of the thing I like about you and your story. You. Never. Forget. Anything.



Also this:

Quote:

---

“I have to go, Buffy. I have no purpose here. I never really did. I’m filler guy. And that’s okay. Keep your chin up. Whenever sweeps is around, I just might be, too.”

---

See, you couldn't help yourself. You see what you did, right? You gave him integrity. I know. It's okay.



Oh, yeah, and you're funny. Did you know?

[snippygal]

TheWhiz - Well, I’m thinking Dawn’s little habit is going to come to an end. I mean, I know Buffy’s kinda clueless (in my world she’s really stupid) but she’s gotta figure it out eventually. Right?



Tulipp - Riley just can’t keep his hands off those things, can he? And yes, I didn’t want to do it, but the boy kinda grew on me. Not a lot, but a little. I figured with all the death and simple slip-aways, I thought, what the hell -- and it keeps you off my back. Oh - and here’s a spoiler just for you. Don’t tell anyone. But near the end, Riley’s going to come back -- only he won’t be coming back as Riley. Shhh!



Snipp



-----------------------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding