Title: Season 7
Author: snippygal
Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/ Italics - Kitten-vision - R
Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Wheedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die.
Spoilers: Joss Wheedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.
Notes: So I did the tragedy thing. Now it’s time for comedy. At least, I think this is comedy. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced such a thing. It’s a spoof on Season 6 and all the ridiculous things that happened. Not a lot of Willow/Tara goodness, but thought we could use a good hearty laugh. Or at least a tiny chuckle? It’s written in a very simple fashion -- Eye asspyre two bee a Bufffy righter sumeday.
*Additional notes: This is going to be a complete Season 7 (depending, of course, on the response and my committment -- I have what my ex likes to call “a problem with committment”, whatever that means.)
I’ll be playing around with reality quite a bit. The italics will be what is happening around the actual scene. You’re gonna have to suspend your disbelief quite a bit.
Um - enjoy.
“BUFFY” Episode 7.2 - “Back to Basics”
LAST TIME:
“But now I’m home! Back on the WB and everything’s ---”
An interruption from the set.
“Uh, yeah, Buffy? I need to talk to you for a sec. We just signed a deal -- with PAX. I’m gonna be making some changes. What’s this you say about Xander being the big hero?”
Buffy frowned.
“Oh no. I wish Joss hadn’t have just said that.”
“Done!” Anya commanded, nodding her head.
Nothing.
The Scoobies all laughed and laughed.
AND NOW:
The library at Sunnydale High school is shiny and new. Well-groomed, uniform-clad high school students quietly breeze through, picking up texts and additional reading materials. Giles does the library thing - putting away classic novels and organizing the Opera’s Book Club section. The students thank Mr. Giles for his time.
Dawn walks in.
“Dawn,” Giles calls with a smile. “So nice of you to drop by.”
“Hello, Mr. Giles,” she answers with a curtsy. “So nice of you to have me in your fine new library.”
“It really is quite lovely, isn’t it?”
Dawn enthusiastically nods.
“How’s Buffy?” Giles asks of the student.
“Oh, you know. Still making the rounds.”
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The auditorium is packed with high school students. On the stage, Buffy stands at a podium, underneath a large banner reading : Harding High School Welcomes Buffy Summers.
Buffy’s hair is pulled up into a tight bun and glasses rest on the bridge of her nose. She wears a modest beige blouse and a pastel print skirt. She speaks into the microphone, addressing her audience.
“So, in conclusion, violence doesn’t solve anything. When you find yourself in a situation that is difficult, go find an adult. A parent or teacher or principal. Grown-ups are very smart, much smarter than you are I. They’ll know exactly how to handle the situation. Thank you all for coming. And remember -- violence is never the answer.”
A warm applause follows Buffy off the stage.
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Back in the library:
“And Willow and Tara - how are they?”
“Well,” Dawn begins, “I think they’re adjusting well.”
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The Espresso Pump hosts a few random college students, as well as Willow and Tara in a corner booth. They sit opposite each other, on either side of them are two attractive, clean-cut All-American boys. They look rather unthrilled while our girls’ faces are bright and excited.
“Oh! And Tara makes the most wonderful pancakes!” Willow gushes.
“The trick is the shape,” Tara replies in a serious tone.
The two girls notice the boredom of their dates. Willow turns to hers.
“So, Michael ---”
“It’s Matt.”
“Right, Matt. Tell me again, how many touchdowns did you score in high school?”
Matt’s face lights up as he begins to tell his tale of bravery we all know as high school football.
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Back at the library:
“Oh, that’s wonderful. I knew they just needed to find the right men,” Giles says.
“Yes. And you know what they say: ‘Nobody wants to be a sinner.’ Giles and Dawn have a hardy chuckle over this well-known fact.
Meanwhile, at UPN:
UPN entertainment president Dawn Ostroff sits in her big office watching “BUFFY”. Movie posters from Jerry Bruckheimer and Russ Meyer films fill the wall space. She smirks to herself as she picks up the telephone and dials a number.
“Jordan Levin?” Dawn asks into the phone to the WB president. “I just wanted to thank you for your help with the Buffy situation --- yes. Well, I really thought we WERE getting the deal of the century until we saw what they had planned for season six. No wonder you let them go! Thank you for helping us get out of our contract with them before we became a laughing stock - err - more so than before. --- Our Tuesday night lineup? Oh we’ll just fill it with reruns of our Monday night comedies and the first three episodes of Under One Roof. --- Yes. --- Well, anyway, just wanted to say thanks again. Say - Smallville sucks pretty bad. It’s just kind of a Buffy knock-off; actually it’s a knock-off of a lot of great things I’ve seen. Any chance -- no? Okay. Well, thought I’d take a shot. --- All right. Bye now.”
With that, Ms. Ostroff hangs up and continues watching “BUFFY”, smiling to herself with relieved pride.
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Back at the library:
Dawn curtsies again to Giles, says goodbye and walks out with prefect posture.
“Such a nice girl,” Giles thinks aloud.
Xander walks in wearing a nice suit.
“Hello, Mr. Giles.”
“Well, hello, Xander.” Giles smiles at the principal’s new assistant.
“Principal Johnson sent me to get a book.”
“Well, you’ve certainly come to the right place!” Giles says with a laugh as Xander joins in on the fun.
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Back at the Espresso Pump:
“... And I played a year in college, but I blew out my knee, so I moved back here to be with my family. Because family is the most important thing,” Matt concludes.
“Yeah,” Tara’s date breaks in. “He could have gone pro, too, if it hadn’t been for his knee.”
“Yeah. I blew out my knee.”
Willow and Tara listen to the boys with great interest.
Under the table, both girls’ shoes are off and they’re playing footsie in a seductive manner. Willow’s foot slowly moves up Tara’s leg, up to her thigh.
Tara closes her eyes, her breath catching in her throat.
“You okay?” Tara’s date asks her.
She doesn’t acknowledge his question right away. Finally, she opens her eyes.
“I’m fine. I think that --”
Willow edges her toes between Tara’s legs, inching higher and higher up her skirt.
“-- Eep! Uh -- caffeine! Too much -- caffeine!”
The boys go back to talking football.
The girls make bedroom eyes at each other.
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Giles enjoys the afternoon sun as he walks home from the high school.
“Such wonderful children,” he says to the bright yellow sun.
Suddenly, an arm reaches out and grabs him, pulling him into a darkened alley.
“Buffy!”
“Giles! Thank God!”
“What’s wrong? I thought you were on tour promoting your new book ‘Slaying Your Inner Demons’. Shouldn’t you be helping our future adults?”
“Relax, Giles. We’re not on camera.”
“Oh,” Giles says, cleaning his glasses. “Well, thank goodness for that.”
“We need to find Joss.”
“I haven’t seen him for days. He’s been over on his OTHER set with his NEW cast,” Giles informs her, his voice hosting a little bitterness.
“Are there any other writers around?”
“I did see Steven around here somewhe --”
“NO! Anyone but that asshole!” Buffy cuts him off.
They think for a second when they notice the shadows of a camera crew approaching.
“Come on!” Buffy grabs the Englishman. “We need to get the gang back together.”
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At the Espresso Pump, our double-daters have the time of their lives. The boys discuss how the WNBA won’t last much longer.
Willow’s date turns to her.
“Willow, what do you think?”
Tara gazes over at Willow, aware that the redhead is holding her breath. Willow had on more than one occasion expressed her interest in not only the WNBA, but any strong, sweaty woman in uniform. Plus, she’s had that growing crush on Orlando Miracle guard, Katie Douglas.
“I think I need to use the little girl’s room,” she manages to sputter out.
Without missing a beat:
“I’ll go with you.”
The boys let their dates out of the booth. Matt smirks at his friend.
“Why do girls always go in pairs?” he asks when Willow and Tara are out of earshot. His pal simply shrugs.
Tara barely makes it all the way into the bathroom before Willow locks the door and shoves her against the wall. She reaches up and holds Tara’s face in her palms while she kisses her deeply. Tara’s hands grab onto the tiny waste of her lover and she pulls their bodies closer. They stare at each other with passion in their eyes, their breath, heavy and uneven.
“I was biting my tongue out there for so long, I started thinking of other uses for it,” Willow sighs, her heart racing.
“It’s a good thing people don’t go to the bathroom on television, otherwise we’d never get any alone time.”
Willow abducts Tara’s mouth again. As their tongues struggle against each other, Willow’s hands travel inside Tara’s shirt and up to her ample breasts.
“Those guys are so boring,” Willow breathes as her mouth travels to Tara’s neck.
Small beads of sweat appear on Tara’s forehead.
“I know --- football this --- and --- oh Willow!”
Willow intensifies her kisses.
“It’s not that --- I ---,” she says between kisses, “hate --- men so much ---”
“I know -- girl on girl action.”
Willow devours Tara's mouth and releases her breasts to eventually travel southward.
“So?” Tara smirks, quirking up an eyebrow at Willow. “Can we get with the action?”
“Yes, ma’am!”
Willow nibbles an earlobe as her fingers penetrate the waste band of Tara’s skirt.
Much to her surprise and absolute delight, Tara feels a subtle vibration below her waste. She gulps.
“Oh honey! You brought toys!”
“Huh?” Willow asks, as she momentarily stops her quest.
They both look down to where the buzzing originates.
“Oh! Oh! No - not a -- toy,” Willow explains with a blush. “I don’t need toys. But -- do you want --- I mean, have you ever wanted -- toys? Because if you do, or ever have, I’d hope you would, ya know, talk to me about it. Definitely something to talk about together. Not that it’s something I WANT to talk about or have thought about talking about, but if you want to talk about it, then it should be together. I never really gave it much thought, myself. Not that you’re freaky, if you’re into that sort of thing. I just --”
Tara silences the babble with a deep kiss. Willow looks up with glossy green eyes.
“THAT toy suits me just fine, baby.”
Willow swoons into her lover’s arms until the buzzing starts again.
“So, what is that?”
“Oh!” Willow pulls a small phone from her jeans pocket. “Cell phone! Some of us got cell phones cuz we were saving so much money on special effects and stunt doubles, or -- lack of them.”
“I always wondered why we never had these things. They would have been so useful!”
“Mm hmm,” Willow says, already disregarding the phone, her attention much more interested by Tara’s breasts. She buries her head in the warm caress of the cleavage before her, nipping at a covered nipple with an audible growl.
The buzzing sets off again next to Tara’s ear, where Willow hold the phone in her hand.
“Baby?”
“Hmm?” Willow contentedly breezes, inhaling Tara’s sweet scent.
“You’re still --- um -- buzzing. Shouldn’t you answer that?”
Willow’s head pops up.
“Oh yeah!” She clicks the phone and holds it up to her face. “Hello? --- Oh hey, Buffy, what’s up? --- Okay, we’re on our way.”
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Outside the Magic Box, trash dumpsters and orange cones block its entrance. A large production sign reads: ABANDONED SET. Inside, the store is dark, dusty and virtually empty. Willow and Tara enter, hand in hand, ginning goofily at one another. They find Giles, Buffy, Dawn and Xander standing in the center of the room. Willow and Tara stand among then and attempt to catch up with the already-established conversation.
“Buffy, I’m only suggesting,” Giles begins, “that perhaps this is a good thing. No more demons or apocalypses. Dawn is safe. I have a purpose, again.”
“You’re a LIBRARIAN, Giles!”
“You’re clearly upset by this, I understand.”
“Clearly!” Buffy repeats. “Do you have any idea what my storyline is?! ‘Violence isn’t the answer?!’ Violence is ALWAYS the answer! What’s the capital of Idaho? Violence! What’s the square root of 276? It’s violence!”
“Actually, its --” Willow offers, until Buffy shoots her a look. “Being quiet now.”
Tara smiles at her Willow.
“So smart. My little bookworm.”
Willow proudly smiles back. They embrace and begin making out, rather graphically.
“Hey! You two! Focus!”
“Huh?” They both look up, attempting innocence.
Giles gives his glasses a good cleaning while Buffy steps up again.
“I’ve got a theory ---” Buffy begins, but is interrupted by a singing Giles.
“That it’s a demon. A dancing demon -- no something isn’t right there.”
“Wait a minute! Oh no! It’s true! It’s real!”
“What’s real?” Xander asks, confused as ever.
“My dream! My dream about season six was a prophesy and it’s coming true! Giles, you just broke into song. You only do that if you have a guitar or think you’re alone. And that one time in the shower --”
“How did you ---?”
“That’s not important, now, Giles. The point is, I think my dreams are coming true --- like they used to back in earlier seasons when things were interesting.”
Everyone nods in agreement with her last sentiment.
“I don’t know why,” Buffy thinks aloud, “but I think someone’s trying to sabotage the show.”
“But who would do such a thing?” Giles asks.
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A small office looks even smaller with the wall plastered with old B-movie posters. Action figures of every sci-fi and comic book character imaginable clutter the shelves and desk. We see Joss Wheedon, staring into a wall mirror. His curly hair is plastered against his large, sweaty forehead and his clothes look like he’s raided Willow and Xander’s wardrobe circa season 1. He stares at his reflection with awe and self-obsession.
“Hey there good-lookin’. Who’s gonna rule the world? That’s right. You are. Who’s the man? Right again. YOU are THE man. Who’s my favorite person in the whole world? The best TV writer? The most sensitive to women’s issues of empowerment? You are, handsome!”
There is an audible ZIP as Joss’ hand lingers away from the mirror.
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“I don’t know who would do this. But we have to find out,” Buffy says.
“I know I’m just funny guy, but, um --- didn’t your dream have Spike and Anya in it?” asks Xander.
“Yeah, so?”
Willow catches on to Xander’s thought - quite possibly the only legitimate one he’ll have all season. She steps in. “So, they’ve been written off the show, since - hello? All with the demoniness. So your dream really wasn’t a prophesy. Or they’d be here.”
Just then, Anya and Spike enter.
End of Episode 7.2
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LMAO! 
Can't wait 4 more!! 
or however you spell it...
