Lamplight

[Emms]

Watty... I'm back. I'm sorry that it took me a few days, but this is the first time I've had to sit down properly.

I know I've said so before.... but... I just absolutely love your writing. I love everything about your stories, I love reading them (I've read this chapter about oh...20 times in the last couple of days), taking them in, and living in them.

This chapter really, really grabbed me it's so erotic yet at the same time there is this undercurrent of loneliness and desperation... and like everyone else said ( one of the drawbacks to being late to the feedback corral is that everyone has already said everything first ) there is such a need to connect that exists between them at this moment in time. It's so tangible.

I love how the dialogue is in such contrast to what they're physically doing, almost as if they are using words (in the beginning) to keep some sort of distance between them, or the other way around; (because it really could go both ways) maybe they're using their words to bring them physically together... and then they dance... and that is just so... it just had to happen. They had to dance. That's the only way I can explain it.

I love this whole exchange:

"I'm sorry."

"I know it's hard for you to understand, but I've been dead since you've been gone."

"I couldn't stay."

"Are you going to leave me again?"

"I have nothing to give you."

"Let me be the judge of that."

Wow... just wow... There are just so many great writers on this board and you are at the top of my list, watty...how could you not be with a story like this?

love it.

xoxo
Emms

[JustSkipIt]

I'm posting a second time in case you don't see the ETA. It's easier that way.

I've really been thinking about this and it seems to me like one thing that Willow needs to really concentrate on if she wants to have a relationship (including a friendship) with Tara is not judgeing her. If she judges her, she's going to "lose" her. The thing is that Tara isn't expressing any shame or guilt over her situation. If she was, then Willow could step in and be all supportive girl: "It sounds like you feel X about Y. That must be hard... "(etc.) And yes, it seems that Tara has her demons but if she's not ready to share those with Willow then Willow can only scare her off and piss her off by trying to open it without Tara bringing up the demons.

It also occurs to me that Willow seems very damaged by what happened with Tara (and possibly her parents too). It's really beyond just a girl left girl, girl felt upset. She seems to have become a shell of a real person. Both of them have so far to go to heal themselves alone let alone have a relationship.

[sacinema]

This story keeps to be amazing and it's getting even better with every update. Thanks.

You managed to let us see so many things in this update. Willow seems to really start to get through to Tara and Tara seems to really start opening up. Her shell began to crack a little. In the meantime Willow has to be careful. Every jugdemental word or even thinking on her side could drive Tara away - for ever maybe.

On the other hand Tara's underbelly attitude started to get on my nevers. She pisses me of with this hole "you don't belong to my world" crap. She made herself to comfortable in the feeling that she is an underdog and only the life she lives now gave her a way out of her situation.

One of the most amazing things on this update was the way how you described the enormous tension between them. It gave the expectance they would end up in a heavy make up session at least. Something they surely would have regretted. They didn't. But you referred to it and that is wonderful.

Just this dialog:

"I'm supposed to push the button at the back of the couch, and security will come in and escort you off the premises with as little commotion as possible."
"Would you?"
"Would I what?"
"Trigger the pimp alarm if I touched you?"
"No."

Tension pure. Willow is heavly flirting. Maybe without even noticing. And she is pushing all the right buttons in Tara. I wonder how long Tara can resist her.

At least they are starting to talk about everything. Tara explained a bit - not even enough in my opinion. She is not open about her feelings. But it's a start. And Willow had the chance to tell her how she never could forget Tara. And how she felt and feels till today. The climax to me was this dialog:

"I have nothing to give you."
"Let me be the judge of that."

Willow is so right. She should be the one judging if Tara is able to give her anything. It's not Tara's decision. She has to decide if she really wants to throw all their mutual feelings in the trash can. Just to be indipendent. And if Willow has to give anything to her.

You really made me laugh with the surreal conversation. At least they had some clossness in the end. The only sentence I totally disagree with is the last one. I don't think they lost their souls. Just because RL gave them rough times doesn't mean they lost their souls. Sure in a way they are both selling themselfs - in different ways. But don't we all do that to earn a living in one way or another? Doesn't mean we loose our soul on the way. We are getting more mature with every day. And we don't judge so simple anymore like younger people do. For example when I was 20 I knew how the world is going round and round. I don't anymore because I don't have simple answers anymore and the questions are becoming more difficult. But I heard this will revearse when we become old. We will see.

[watty]

tazraven

Oh wow, Sara, thank you.

It's not that it was sexy, per se, which at times it was. It was more like it made me feel uncomfortable, and voyeuristic, and hopeful, and depressed, and happy, all at the same time.

I think the setting was sexy, but they didn't do anything (at least not at first) that could be described as sexy. I wanted to create a velvety, dark and yes voyeuristic scenario.

Normally when tensions are released and they share a hard kiss, I find it difficult to believe. But if your characters had done that, I would have taken the scene in without my usual gran of salt.

It would have been cheap, I think, if they had kissed. Not that kisses are cheap; but for me as a writer, it would have been a cop-out. Build up the tension, have them kiss roughly, relieve the tension. In a way, the dance did that, but only after things have cooled down.

Re: dialogue being ambiguous. Initially it was clear who was talking, but as the conversation (and scenario) became more surreal, it became blurred and I wanted to show that one or the other could have said those words. Their feelings, so distant when they entered the room, had come together in a weird unexpected way.

Thanks for your astute analysis, and yay for dibs.

~~~~~

Cam

Yes, the intention was that things got more surreal as the conversation wore on. If I could do lighting effects I would have dimmed the lights, or somehow did some David Lynch-y effects. In the beginning of the chapter, you could have discerned who was speaking, but towards the end you weren't supposed to. @being a good little Virgo, I think I made you scratch your head there.

Surreal, and uncomfortable

Yes to surreal, and I'm glad you felt uncomfortable (well, not glad-glad). Though, it was a comfortable kind of discomfort, I hope you got the sense that things have changed, and perhaps in the right direction, even with the being uncomfortable.

Interesting observation about the need for justification. You're right, Tara is being contrary. Of course she is justifying herself to Willow, subconsciously that's the target she's been working on in her mind during the past 3 weeks. She knows Willow knows what type of place the club is, and dammit she will show Willow it's not degrading, abusive, cheap etc. Willow is still as judgmental as ever, that's true. They both seem to be paying lip service to...what they think they should each be saying.

Who are you, to hold my heart so?

which once again could be either of them speaking

To be honest, I can't even tell who said that.

Being a heathen, I'm sure I'm missing a lot of the finer points of the room being a (not the...hee!) Garden of Eden. Having gone against the "no touching" rule (forbidden fruit), they'll obviously have to leave (be ejected), even if they aren't kicked out by some burly bouncer (God).

Very clever! I'm not sure I consciously put all that together, but I definitely intended the play on the Garden of Eden and forbidden fruit angle. What is ejected? Let's hope it's their uncertainties.

~~~~~

Dianneswillowtree

chanting , chanting, chanting chanting

Thanks! Next chapter is planted firmly on solid ground, so not much chanting needed.

~~~~~

Emms

Thanks!

~~~~~

Chummy

I Love the way Will keep wanting Tara and didn't want to let her go, I also love the way that Tara was pushing Will away.

Well I think by bringing Willow into the private room Tara isn't necessarily pushing her away, it's just they both need to shed some of their uncertainties and know what they want to do. Thanks.

~~~~~

cantbefredless

Thanks!

~~~~~

db

First off, I'd like to officially welcome you as La Grande Dame (not that you're old, it's the gravitas of the position) of the Feedback Essay Club. That honor used to be Car's but she's kinda retired. I think we need to make you a tiara for that, won't it look pretty?

Yes to all of heart wrenching, painful, touching and sexy. The setting itself was unreal -- there's no hiding what the room is used for normally, and yet what they are baring in there aren't their bodies, but their souls.

I totally get how Willow would feel confused, betrayed, and maybe a little... I dunno, ashamed of Tara or pity or something. It was unclear... But Willow's questions were harsh.

Willow on one hand wants to be tolerant and open-minded. After all, her colleagues are the mainstay clients of this place and she of all people know about supply/demand. But there is still this innocent thought in her head that it's okay for other people to be in this line of work, but not Tara.

I am sure she (Tara) has reconciled herself to the realities of her job by this point

and

Tara had *nothing*.

and

When Tara tells Willow to go back to her privileged life and that she (Tara) belongs to a different part of society (the underbelly... i.e. the bowels).

I didn't fall into some godforsaken hole, I've always been in that hole!"

*gulp*

Yep, her job never bothered Tara because she has put herself, and has been raised to think that she is, at the bottom of the pile of humanity. It's hard for me to say, coming from a background very much like Willow's, but poverty never leaves a person I think. There is some sort of built-in mechanism that gives middle class people an innate confidence and those from the lower classes insecurity and even bitterness. Ooops I think that was very blunt and un-PC of me, I hope you get what I'm saying.

Tara said her bit about choices and where she is coming from and Willow's position of privilege and prejudice... but Tara needed to hear this. Not just for Willow, I think. I think she needs to know that her existence holds sway in the universe, that she was really missed that she *matters*.

Of course we know she's above that, but that's one of the challenges she and Willow have to face, to shake the "underserving" moniker she's attached to herself.

Tara *doesn't* owe Willow justification for the job she holds -- she owes her for leaving her the way she did.

*nods* There's leaving, and then there's leaving. I'm not sure Willow articulated it correctly last time they met, and perhaps not completely so this time, but it was Tara completely disappearing off the face of the earth without any word that was the cruncher.

I didn't intend for the dance to be an echo of the dance at the prom, but there must have been some subconscious thing working in my mind, because you're so right, there are similarities especially

where there's this undeniable attraction and confusion and then they aren't allowed to touch.

Tara knows that once she lets Willow in, she'll have to face her own feelings towards Willow. It's not Willow's touch, but her own lack of letting anyone touch her.

for the record, I had no problem telling who said who... for whatever reason it just seemed very clear to me.

well you're doing better than me, because the last few lines even I can't tell who said what.

Thanks for the monster fb, my dear. I was very touched that you took the time to write it all, and with such keen observation too.

~~~~~

Debra

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This chapter is (not to sound condescending at all I hope) the best writing I've ever seen from you.

I have to warn you, it gets a more droll and less powerful from this point on. I went back to check my notes and there was a 20-month gap between my finishing chapter 10 and this chapter 12. During which I wrote KR, GL and all the challenges / RKT stories thus far. That's a lot of writing, and learning from my friends. But yeah, the actual story part of the story takes center stage in the next few chapters.

You seem to be economizing yet expressing so much here.

db mentioned about brevity, and you're right. This was a chapter and setting I had in mind way back when I first started. I do owe a lot to that scene in the dance club between Natalie Portman and Clive Owen in Closer. It's the same private room, and similar scene of two people trying to decide between pushing the other away or becoming closer together. Like I mentioned to Sara and Cam, in the beginning the dialogue was clear but I wanted the edges of their personalities to become blurred (and moving closer) towards the end. There are hardly any descriptions of their thoughts, I wanted the dialogue to drive what you as the reader felt / heard / saw.

I love the honestly with which they are speaking and the way that they've agreed to speak truth no matter the question without actually agreeing to that.

Thank you again. It was a room for soul-baring, and only the truth is allowed. May be there was a religious association there -- only the truth can prevail in the garden of eden.

It's strange because Willow so clearly crossed a line into a totally different conversation and in most situations it would be so inappropriate but here it's just so beautiful and direct.

Ah yes, she definitely did with the not so subtle sexual reference. But in the surreal atmosphere at that time, it was almost a plea...for Tara to let her in, not in the physical sense but emotionally.

I was reading the next few chapters and I realize it's gonna be impossible to follow this chapter and do it well. Sigh, the story turns into a different type of story now, I hope you like it.

~~~~~

Tujeky

I think Willow wants to just pick up where they left off. As she says herself and is so evident, she hasn't really moved on. But her resentment of the room they're in and the implication of their roles within it, is so palpable.

Absolutely. But in her defence, it's the only state of "being with Tara" that she knows. Even though she's buried it all these years, she hasn't forgotten nor can she think of how to behave with Tara on more adult terms. This she needs to learn.

And Tara. All strong and justified, with all this sadness and shame underneath.

It's the same for Tara. Being ashamed and putting herself down is the only state of "being Tara" she knows. She needs to shake off her childhood traumas and become an adult. This she needs to learn.

Thank you for your comments, and for reading.

~~~~~

Emms 2

Oh sweetie, no need to apologize. It's always wonderful to receive fb from you, you write it as descriptively as your own fics.

This chapter really, really grabbed me it's so erotic yet at the same time there is this undercurrent of loneliness and desperation

Yep, the room and its connotations are erotic enough. The sexual current is palpable also, but it would have been wrong if they went anywhere near becoming physical at this point. They need to connect at a spiritual level first.

I love how the dialogue is in such contrast to what they're physically doing, almost as if they are using words (in the beginning) to keep some sort of distance between them, or the other way around

I love love love your description of this, using words as barrier, so intangible yet so real.

Thank you again for sticking with this story for over 2 years.

~~~~~

Debra 2

Thanks for posting again. Wow!

one thing that Willow needs to really concentrate on if she wants to have a relationship (including a friendship) with Tara is not judgeing her. If she judges her, she's going to "lose" her.

I can't agree more. Willow thinks she isn't judgmental, but she is! She recognizes the good-living that Tara is enjoying, but I think at the back of her mind she's comparing it against her own situation and she has to feel that how she earned her money is more "proper". She needs to stop thinking league tables and start being proud of what Tara has achieved -- but there's a fine balance between thinking Tara's done well despite everything and being happy merely that Tara has done well. And yes, only then will they start to have a meaningful relationship.

It also occurs to me that Willow seems very damaged by what happened with Tara

Again my agreement. It's partiallythe "all.about.me" syndrome I think. Tara left without telling her a) that she was leaving; b) why and c) where she was going. And with Willow having had prime position in Tara's life, it must have been a hard blow. Yes, there was the growing apart and the incident with Faith in the Bronze but I can't help but feeling that Willow's ego got severely stomped on at Tara's sudden departure. And then she started yearning and wanting Tara! That must have been a shock, and yes you're right, contributed to her becoming a pod-person.

Thanks again for your lovely comments.

~~~~~

sacinema

Hi there and thanks for the detailed feedback. I'm not trying to be falsely modest but I think this is one of the better (if not the best) chapter in the story, which means the quality goes downhill from here. Then again you may argue, like Willow, to let you be the judge of that.

Tara's underbelly attitude started to get on my nevers. She pisses me of with this hole "you don't belong to my world" crap. She made herself to comfortable in the feeling that she is an underdog and only the life she lives now gave her a way out of her situation.

You bring up an interesting point. I've always considered Tara as having the attitude of "I don't belong to your world" but by flipping it around, it's even more true. She has brainwashed herself into believing she has nothing and deserves nothing in life. But look at the evidence -- she lives in an expensive apartment, has social contacts that will make Courtney Love jealous and is anywhere but in the underbelly of society. She needs to stop this self-pity.

Willow is still judgmental yes. But I'm glad you picked out

"I have nothing to give you."
"Let me be the judge of that."

She should be the one judging if Tara is able to give her anything. It's not Tara's decision. She has to decide if she really wants to throw all their mutual feelings in the trash can.

Although in an ideal world, the decision should be made jointly, they can't start doing that if Tara is closed off. Willow knows Tara has lots to give her, and her simple declaration is enough to tell Tara.

It gave the expectance they would end up in a heavy make up session at least. Something they surely would have regretted. They didn't.

and

illow is heavly flirting. Maybe without even noticing. And she is pushing all the right buttons in Tara.

Thank you for that. It's definitely a place where they could have kissed, or gone further and slept with each other, and chalk it up to the room. The aftermath of that would have been devastating; they could not move on, together, if that happened. Willow knows, perhaps unwittingly, which buttons to push in Tara. But a lot of what she said came directly from a primal level. There, in the surreal sexy tense room closing in, she told Tara what she wanted, deep down.

Re: losing their souls. Their lives are not completely their own now -- Willow's at the Bank, Tara's at the club -- so in a way someone has their spirit / soul hostage. Soul in a romantic emotional way, perhaps misplaced is a better word. Then again, they lost theirs to each other long ago.

You have excellent timing. Update is next.

[br]

[watty]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watty (hiddenwatson[at]gmail[dot]com)
Distribution: Chris and Susan have pre-approval. Anyone else please ask for my permission first.
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialogue belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: This will be long and angsty. It also changes direction more than once. I had planned for it to go in a certain direction, I didn't know it would go that far. Sometimes, stories have a mind of their own.
Notes 2: This part is a bit of a filler but also a turning point. If I had to give it a chapter title it will be "Willow is competitive. Tara is compassionate."


Part 13

The trading floor was the life and soul of an investment bank. The mergers & acquisitions teams have the glamour and wear the pin-striped suits, but the more street savvy and casual traders were the ones who made the market. There on the endless rows of screens flowed financial data so fast that it was easy to miss with the blink of an eye. The messy and cramped open office space was where millions of dollars were made or lost. One small mistake, one second's hesitation could bankrupt entire institutions. In the past the buying and selling of stocks involved shouting loudly and waving bits of paper at dealers in brightly colored blazers in aptly named pits. Nowadays trading was done via technology and proprietary programs, the urgent glamour of the open outcry system had been replaced by even more urgent, but clinical, effectiveness of computer systems.

The middle wall of this particular trading floor was dominated by a large whiteboard. On it was scribbled the usual diagrams and inspirational quotes that got wiped off occasionally to make space for new scribblings. But at the top left corner, in red marker, was a small grid containing five names and five numbers. The names and numbers might change, but the grid was never erased. It was one of the most important pieces of information on the entire floor.

"You're slacking, Rosenberg."

"What? No I'm not."

"Nikhil is catching up with you."

"He's nowhere close. Plus, we're almost at year end, he's running out of time."

"The way he tells it, he's only one deal away from overtaking you on the board."

"Well, good luck to him if he has a deal that size up his sleeve."

"Willow's name has been at the top spot ever since her first full year here, I can't see her relinquishing it any time soon." Patrick had quietly joined Willow and her colleague in their inspection of the Top 5 board and interrupted with his comment.

"One deal won't be enough either, no matter how plum," Willow said confidently.

"People are lining up to knock you off your perch. And don't make that face; it's as important to you as the rest of the team, no matter how you try to play it cool. Walk with me to my office, Willow."

She fell into step with her boss and mentor. She was one of his youngest and brightest traders, but she knew that she was not the youngest nor the smartest in the history of the Street. Patrick was once considered a prodigy himself, and had risen up the ranks at a breakneck pace. Still, at 34, some of the fledgling traders had already begun calling him a dinosaur. Never to his face naturally, he was the head of department and yielded much in the way of power.

"There are a lot of rules for people who don't make money; and none for those who do," Patrick started.

"Rules are made to be broken, isn't that what you always taught us?" Willow countered.

"As long as I don't have the suits crawling all over my back, I don't care how we make money. I just need them to let me be in charge of my own floor," he said with more emotion than expected. Willow's stomach dropped. He wouldn't be telling her this unless he had something on his mind. She chose to stay silent. "You need to work on your marketing," he said finally.

"I bring in business," she pointed out.

"Referrals and recommendations. Your research alone brings them in, I appreciate this. This isn't meant to be a criticism but I'd like to see you bring in new money, and not just institutional. If you're going to be running this department one day, you need your own client list. Then you can stand up in the boardroom and no one can accuse you of not having the relevant experience."

"We're doing personal banking now?" Willow asked, not pursuing the comment about her possible future responsibilities.

"Cross selling is the newest buzzword that we need to champion. It's not enough to be profitable in one area, we need to be diversified in today's dynamic and volatile market." Willow thought he sounded uncharacteristically like a marketing brochure, she guessed he had his bosses to report to as well.

"I don't mind selling equity products to fixed income clients; or making some of our simpler products available to the private bankers to hawk to their clients. But to actually have our own portfolio of personal clients? The due diligence alone is scaring me," Willow admitted.

They had reached Patrick's office and his secretary was already standing by with a pile of telephone messages.

"You know the drill, Willow. Just make it work," he said, a little wearily.

*****

"Tara, do you have a minute?"

Tara looked up from working on her laptop and smiled at the nervous teenager. They didn't have much privacy at the club but she had commandeered a corner of the rec room so that she could study or complete assignments. "Of course. Sit, sit. Do you want some tea?"

Tara poured two cups of fruit tea and passed one to the girl, sighing gratefully as she realized how cold her fingers had become. She waited for her companion to speak. She didn't know Katrina very well, apart from she wasn't from New York (who was?) and she was popular with the customers.

Katrina took several sips and swallowed before speaking. "Do you know the GlamKat?"

"Yes, I heard they just changed hands."

Katrina lowered her voice. "The owner talked to me about going to work there."

Tara's face turned serious. There was an unspoken agreement among the clubs that there would be no overt poaching of staff even though it was hard to keep people for any length of time in this transient industry. She was surprised that Katrina had been approached directly and wondered if the indecorum was a genuine error of judgment or a blatant declaration of turf war. Fur had held top spot in the competitive, and lucrative, world of high end entertainment for a long time and plenty of upstarts would like a piece of their pie.

"And how do you feel about this?" she asked carefully.

Katrina fidgeted uncomfortably. "I don't know. I'm like, I'm treated good here. I get invited up to the Suite and Mr Wilkins, he takes good care of me."

"But?" Tara shook away the thoughts of her conversation with Willow. "Is that what it's called now, taking care?" She knew that if the girl had flat out refused the GlamKat offer, she wouldn't be this troubled.

"I heard rumors, um, that they keep their girls very happy. You know, an almost unlimited supply of top quality, uh, stuff."

"Oh Katrina, I thought you'd kicked the habit."

Katrina's expression was a mixture of torture and helplessness. "I-i-i, it's so hard. You can't imagine how hard I've tried. But Spike, he's so persuasive."

"Spike?"

"The owner. He's good-looking too, Tara, and irresistible. Even though he's gay and all. A girl can always dream. He touches me and ... do you know how it feels? When someone touches you like that? When all they need to do is look at you and you're melting inside? "

Yes. "Yes I do."

It was Katrina's turn to look surprised. "I don't think you truly know, Tara. I mean, I thought you were, well, you know. And we've only seen you with Faith. Not that she isn't a stud, but she isn't the sort to stir deep feelings in people."

"No, not Faith. And we never ... it's not what people think," Tara answered, her mind momentarily far away; but remained tightlipped at Katrina's questioning look.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude," Katrina apologized.

"That's alright," Tara said. "We're not here to talk about me. What are you going to do about the offer?"

"What should I do? I mean, a girl's gotta think of her future. They say as soon as you get to 21 you start losing your looks."

Tara paused. Clearly the girl was there to look for answers, for someone to tell her what to do in a confusing situation. But who was Tara to be giving advice on life? "You have to do what is right for you. But sex and drugs aren't the reason, no matter how alluring they are," she said finally.

"I don't know what to do," Katrina fretted.

Tara put her arms around the distraught girl, but she couldn't think of anything to say that would help.

*****
[br]

[morningstar]

DIBS!

[Willowtree252]

With this chapter we get to see just how similar there lives are in a high powered world just different circles. It truly is dog eat dog world.

[tazraven]

Wow. I knew they moved in different worlds, but it amazes me just how different they really are. Your characters are so, complex I guess. I mean, even your minor characters are intriguing. I find myself wondering what Katrina will do even though I know she's so not the main focus of this story.

On a happier note, it makes my heart warm to see Tara trying so hard. Sitting there, in a strip club no less, working on law student homework on her computer drinking a cup of tea. Seems almost surreal in a way.

And Willow. What can I say about Willow? She's... There wasn't anything in that section that led me to believe this, but the other parts of this story emphasize it and this section only reinforces it. Willow is lonely, and obsessed with work, and harboring a deep attraction to someone she really hasn't known in years.

Oddly enough, I find Willow's situation much more depressing than Tara's. Tara is trying to make something better of herself. She known what she is and where she stands and she's trying to make a new life. Willow on the other hand, works in what seems like a cutthroat type of business, and really has nothing else she's striving for, except more money. Just seems empty.

Anyways, great chapter. And I thought this needed a little nod.

"Spike?"
Even though he's gay and all.

LMFAO Watty. Made me laugh so much. Once again, awesome.

~Sara

[Emms]

Watty, Watty, Watty.... I'm so happy to see an update. I was sitting here just the other day rereading the last few chapters and thinking how I wished there was an update...and the POOF here it is (which makes Emmy very, very happy )

Honestly, at first I was a little disappointed that we didn't get to pick up where we left off; with Willow and Tara dancing together in the private room... but then as I read, I was glad that our view of them that way ended where it had. And now we've all got a glimpse of their individual lives, as they really are--we got to take a look at their real life struggles outside of the sort of fantasified (wow.. .I totally made that word up ) versions we've been privy to up until this point.

Willow and Tara somehow seem more real to me now...which makes me even more excited to see how they're going to get together and where you're going to take them.

Great and wonderful chapter, Watty.

xoxo
Emms

[tarawhipped]

Hmmm. I don't think Willow and Tara are as different from each other as they might think. Or at least, their jobs aren't. Willow's boss is basically telling her to get out there and solicit clients for money, which is pretty much what Tara does. They just have different levels of perceived legitimacy. Tara may be working in a strip club, but she clearly has the respect of her peers, and maintains a high degree of personal and business integrity. Willow may be a hot shot, but she still takes orders from The Man, and now she's being told to do something that I assume is at least borderline unethical? Oh, what tangled webs you weave, Watty!

Can't wait to see how these threads intersect. Good stuff!
-Cam

[db]

Well, this fb is going to be shorter, because, well, because it is early in the morning and I just got home from work and had the world's most annoying patient and have a ton of homework and, well, La Grande Dame!? No pressure, Right?

Ok. I'll bite (but only if you ask nicely )

There seems to be a lot of kind of disconnected information in this update and it seems a bit... maybe foreshadowing or something?

There's a lot of information about Willow's job here -- more than I've seen before. I think I am supposed to walk away having a clearer image of Willow as a competative and successful broker. So, and now she is being tasked with developing her own personal clientelle and possibly being either groomed for a promotion or chastized in some corporate sort of way? I am going to guess that this is an important part of the story, although I am not sure exactly how. These are things I know: Willow will rise to the challenge, because she is feisty and competative and that you will reveal all in time (oh yeah, and that it will be angsty )

And, for the first time in a long time, you show Tara's soft side. She *does* still have emotions even if she is disconnected emotionally from Willow and from her past. She still has this kindness and nurturing quality to her... at least she seemed as if she was being kind to Katrina -- despite being distracted by her own Willowy thoughts. Speaking of Katrina. Again, I am thinking this is of the bad in a forshadowy sort of way because am hoping she (Katrina) *doesn't* go over to Spike a) because of the drugs b) because Spike is bad news (plus, gay, heh heh heh -- nice one!) and c) I am afraid that it won't bode well. I mean it kind of reeks of pimp wars or something

There was an unspoken agreement among the clubs that there would be no overt poaching of staff even though it was hard to keep people for any length of time in this transient industry. She was surprised that Katrina had been approached directly and wondered if the indecorum was a genuine error of judgment or a blatant declaration of turf war.

Mr Wilkins is not someone I envision as playing nicely with others, especially when it comes to people he thinks he owns. I know, I know, wild speculation, and I haven't even met Wilkins yet in your story, but kind of have a bad feeling about it all.

There wre a few things that particualarly moved me about this update --- the part where Katrina says:

I get invited up to the Suite and Mr Wilkins, he takes good care of me.

...and Tara is brought back to the question Willow asked about being "taken care of". Tara goes to the same place -- it is a reasonable question and it begs some kind of answer. How was Tara "taken care of" and in what ways and if it wasn't for gettin' nekkid, why? Wilkins is the kind of guy who has his motivations... I am looking forward to 'meeting' him and figuring out what those motivations are. *especially* because it seems clear that Tara feels beholden to him.

The other thing that got to me was this:

and ... do you know how it feels? When someone touches you like that? When all they need to do is look at you and you're melting inside? "

Yes. "Yes I do."

*so*

Tara admits it... not to Willow, but at least to herself... and I think that (if I understand what you wrote correctly) you also clarify not only that she is known as a gay dancer but that she was never involved on a physical level with Wilkins or Faith... which goes a long way to clarify how she was taken care of (financially), but not how she ended up as an exotic dancer in all of it.

I am a little confused about this update... but I suspect the information contained within will prove very enlightening over the next few weeks!

Lookin' forward to what comes next!!

*bow & flourish*

La Grande Dame.

db

[JustSkipIt]

Watty - It does seem a bit filler but it's still a good chapter. We see Willow's pressure at work (I'm not in finance but if she's #1, why does she need to make changes?). Anyway, what a very rotten and high pressure situation to work in. I guess people like it but it's about 180 degrees from my ideal.

And Tara's sweet. Doesn't seem like what she does but then that's the point isn't it?

Well done.

[Artemis]

Really interesting chapter. On the one hand, Willow - who's been leading the supposedly 'normal' life - is in this environment which... well, to be honest, it seems kind of inhuman, in some subtle way. Like it encourages people to be something other than people in order to succeed... I can't really explain it clearly. Not conducive to happiness, though, especially if Willow's just been all work and no play for years - some jobs have play built in (not many, sure, but some), but this just doesn't seem like one of them.

And on the other hand, Tara - with the 'seedy, unfortunate' career - shows a compassion and humanity that indicates that perhaps she's retained more of her original Tara-ness than it had seemed. Matured and tempered (and no doubt bruised) by hardship and compromise, but it seems like it's in there, and able to emerge without as much hassle as one might have thought, from her earlier, cold behaviour.

Interesting contrast between the two - a kind of parallel, both of them surviving in soul-battering conditions, except that I wonder if Willow might somehow be the more disadvantaged of the two of them. Her career is socially acceptable, after all - it'd be easier for her to ignore a part of herself throwing up warning flags about the pressure and strain she's under.

[watty]

morningstar

um yay dibs?

~~~~~

Dianneswillowtree

With this chapter we get to see just how similar there lives are in a high powered world just different circles. It truly is dog eat dog world.

Different, but yet similar. Similar, but yet so different. It's not black and white.

~~~~~

tazraven

I knew they moved in different worlds, but it amazes me just how different they really are.

It's kinda ironic, that I have 2 consecutive comments with the opposite observation. But it makes a lot of sense to me. Their worlds are different, yet the same -- it's the case of the world being very gray. Your point about a better Tara is well taken. Surreal, kinda; but I hope believable. There in a dance (no, not strip) club, she has found something "normal" and the support of her co-workers.

Oddly enough, I find Willow's situation much more depressing than Tara's.

Yep, there is the graying of worlds again. Willow, in a "normal" job but the environment is just as dirty as Tara's.

Thanks for the mention about minor characters. One of the reasons why I think seasons 2 and 3 are better (aside from better writing and a focused showrunner) is the number of interesting minor characters that help build and decorate the universe. Katrina's story is minor yes, but this is not the last time we hear about her.

Thanks for your support, Sara.

~~~~~

Emms

Fantastic. I'm happy you're happy.

Honestly, at first I was a little disappointed that we didn't get to pick up where we left off; with Willow and Tara dancing together in the private room...

Well, there wasn't anything said that wasn't said already. They were pretty much quiet and trying to come to terms with the rollercoaster of emotions going through them. And when the music ended they awkwardly said goodbye, with perhaps a promise to see each other again. That's about it. No kissing, no overly sexual touching, just faint reconnecting.

I wanted to bring them back to the reality and show a little of their outside lives. It moves the story in another direction, I think. You're right, it's a struggle compared with the

fantasified

versions (and I like that word you just made up).

Willow and Tara somehow seem more real to me now...which makes me even more excited to see how they're going to get together and where you're going to take them.

Thanks. I'm not sure how interesting the story would be if I kept it surreal and whimsical. It's time for some real life stuff, hope you continue to enjoy it. Thanks again.

~~~~~

Cam

I don't think Willow and Tara are as different from each other as they might think.

*nods* On paper, it's as different as light and day -- but are light and day really that different? I like your summary about how basically their jobs are to make more money for their employers, and to pimp themselves in the way of their particular business.

Willow may be a hot shot, but she still takes orders from The Man, and now she's being told to do something that I assume is at least borderline unethical?

Not quite unethical, but a little unusual. Some would call it diversification, others aggressive marketing. Either way, it's not Willow's style which is why she's so uncomfortable about it.

~~~~~

db

Heh, your "short" fb is still the longest, so you retain the Grande Dame title. Seriously, no pressure, even one short sentence makes me happy.

I agree, this chapter is very different from the previous one. It's almost expositionary in a way and oh yes, foreshadowy alright.

Re: Willow's job. It's definitely high pressure, and she is being asked to do something new. In a way, she was being both groomed and chastised at the same time, in the way that managers go "here's something new for you to do. If you do well you'll get promoted. If you screw it up, you get moved out of your office to a cubicle."

Re: A softer side of Tara. I think I've been harsh on her since the beginning of this fic, with her tough childhood molding her into who she is. I wanted to show that she hasn't lost her natural gentler side, it's just not so prevalent.

Like I mentioned to Sara, we haven't seen the last of Katrina. I'm glad y'all find gay!Spike amusing, I was never taken in by the sharp cheeks and am I the only person on the planet who hates his Sid Vicious hair? Keen observation about Wilkins, even though he hasn't personally made an appearance yet. He will be true to his canon character I think. The issue of Wilkins "taking care of" his girls will come back in a later chapter, it forms part of the dark cloud still surrounding Tara and preventing her from opening up more.

Tara admits it... not to Willow, but at least to herself

In a way, and having read the readers' responses, I regret not writing more on what happened during the 3 weeks between the disasterous lunch and the dance. More importantly, what has gone through Tara's mind at that time. It's pretty clear what Willow went through -- she ran into Tara after 6 years, they meet for lunch where she said stuff she regretted, she can't forget Tara and so she goes to the club in the hopes of seeing the object of her...affection (?) infatuation (?) again. But I haven't shown Tara's emotional progress. That's one of the problems about finishing before posting, I don't get the chance to do big re-writes. Anyway, leave it to your imagination?

~~~~~

Debra

You're right about how rotten Willow's industry is, and how much pressure there is.

if she's #1, why does she need to make changes?

She's #1 on the "Most revenue produced" board, meaning she makes the most money for the company. Which means she has to maintain that position. I'm tempted to go into more detail about investment banks and why suddenly having clients who are people rather than institutions is highly unusual, but I don't think I will. Suffice to say that it makes Willow uncomfortable but she can't say no because it seems to be the direction her boss wants her to be heading.

And Tara's sweet. Doesn't seem like what she does but then that's the point isn't it?

Yep. There is a change to Tara and how she sees the world around her, as well as her place in it. I guess the metaphor is she's beginning to open up to others, which leads to more self-awareness and willingness to accept Willow.

Thanks, Elvis.

~~~~~

Chris

Fantastic summary of the "different, yet similar" aspects of their respective lives. I chuckled at how you described Willow's working environment as

kind of inhuman

because that's exactly how it has been described in many circles. I get what you say about the pressure to constantly deliver revenue, profit, results; so much so that it's all.about.work and the only play they are allowed is when it's on official business. I also wanted to show that withing Tara's supposedly inhuman, seedy work environment there is room for kindness and camaraderie. She has softened a lot since 3 weeks ago; it's a combination of seeing how wretched Willow was, drinking herself silly at the bar each night, and finally being alone with Willow in the garden of eden. I agree with your observation, that Willow actually is the worse off because she really has no friends and no one to look out for her. She needs some Tara-lovin' doesn't she? Well, that will come eventually, I promise.


[br]

[watty]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watty (hiddenwatson[at]gmail[dot]com)
Distribution: Chris and Susan have pre-approval. Anyone else please ask for my permission first.
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialogue belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: This will be long and angsty. It also changes direction more than once. I had planned for it to go in a certain direction, I didn't know it would go that far. Sometimes, stories have a mind of their own.


Part 14

Tara met Willow for lunch in a café near where Willow worked. When Willow called, she was tempted to say no to the awkward request for a, date was it? But the dance from the other night and the thought-provoking conversation with Katrina were fresh on her mind and she surprised herself at how the bottom of her stomach fluttered at Willow's voice. She was even more surprised at how readily she agreed.

She arrived a little before noon, there was less traffic than she expected and it took the taxi no time to drop her at the lower reaches of Broadway. The café was a pleasant revelation. Outside it was a bustling deli selling the usual sandwiches, soups and salads; venture deeper inside and there was an indoor conservatory complete with glass ceiling, cast iron garden chairs and a player piano pounding out slightly cheesy modern classics.

Willow arrived on the dot of twelve.

"Nice place," the redhead said as she sat down. Tara thought she looked professional and sophisticated in a burgundy turtleneck sweater and tailored gray slacks. The coat she slung across the back of the chair was pure cashmere. She knew that with her own oversized Shetland sweater and R&R jeans they made a good-looking couple.

"Yes, very. Like an oasis in the middle of the busy city. I'm amazed so few people are in here."

"It's too mellow for the folks around here, I think," Willow joked. "So, what will you have? My treat."

"We can go together, you don't need to pay," Tara protested.

"Nonsense. You take me to a five star Japanese restaurant and I ask you to come to a cheap deli. It's the least I can do," Willow insisted.

Tara was about to point out that the Dozo tab was picked up by the club, when she realized they shouldn't be bickering about something so inconsequential as who bought lunch. She sat back down with a nod of acquiescence. "A turkey sandwich or something like that? And that nice looking cream soup in the copperpot, I could smell it as soon as I walked in," she said.

"Good choice. It's their special homemade cream of asparagus soup. I'll be right back."

Willow was good to her word and was back before the piano finished its next song. The turkey and cheese on grilled farmhouse bread she brought back was delicious. Perhaps it had something to do with the company, Tara thought wistfully.

"Is this your regular lunch place?" she asked. Oh boy, we're back to petty small talk. Last time it was hairstyles, may be this time we move onto something bigger like the latest shoe designs.

"Sometimes, if I want to get away from the office. But I usually eat at my desk," Willow replied. "I only cook at weekends generally," she shrugged.

Not shoes. We'll start talking about the merits of different types of bread next.

They lapsed into a silence that wasn't awkward as they enjoyed their lunches in companionable quietude. Tara noticed how Willow took careful bites into her smoked salmon and cream cheese on pumpernickel, as if savoring the experience and the taste. For a brief moment, she felt as if she too was able to forget the harsh caprice of her life.

But only for a moment.

"Willow," she was loath to break the mood, but she was sure Willow didn't ask her to lunch so that they could eat sandwiches in silence.

It took Willow a second to shake herself back to the now. She had been elsewhere too. "Eh?"

"You, um, mentioned there was something you wanted to talk to me about?" Tara asked.

"Yes," Willow said slowly. "I was thinking, how do vacations work for you? Like do you get a fixed number of days off a year?"

"Not exactly. There's a lot of flexibility, a lot of the front of house staff are on daily rates so they work whenever they are needed."

"What about you?"

Why? "No, some of us are staff." Again, why?

"Can you take a long weekend off?" Willow blurted.

Tara could almost hear the inner babble that preceded that question and blinked as several emotions shot through her in rapid succession. Shock, pleasure, conjecture, anxiousness, longing, doubt. Finally pragmatism won. "Why?"

"I'm thinking of going upstate before the holiday season starts, see if I can catch some snow. Do you ski?"

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea."

"You don't ski?"

"I do ski, but that's beside the point. I don't think we're ready for that."

"You mean you're scared of being with me for three whole days? Come on, I don't bite."

There was a glint of amusement in Willow's eyes; but underneath the light joking she could see a small spark of unspoken hope that she knew she felt herself too.

"I can't. I can't go with you. It's too much," she said regretfully.

Willow slammed her coffee cup on the table so hard that Tara thought it might break. "Damn it, Tara. I thought — what are you trying to run away from this time?"

Me. You. Us. "I'm sorry, Will. I didn't want to lead you on."

Willow's face was so flushed, she looked so offended, that it was all Tara could do not to reach up and smooth away the anger lines. Yes, yes. I'll do anything you ask. She settled for gripping her hands together tightly on her lap.

"Tara! What are you doing here?"

Both Tara and Willow jumped out of their seats at the booming voice that descended on them.

Great timing, Boss.

"Um, sir, I w-w-was having lunch with my friend," Tara managed to squeak out. Willow was looking like she wanted to either kill her for her refusal or the man for interrupting.

"Ah, our young banker friend. One of our esteemed and regular patrons." His smile at Willow was fake and sharp. "Won't you introduce us?"

"Oh, Willow Rosenberg. This is my boss, Richard Wilkins."

"The third. Pleased to meet you, Ms Rosenberg. May I call you Willow, since we're practically family? I heard you're a rising star; I'm like a moth, I can't help flying straight to brightest places," he grinned as he took her hand and pumped it enthusiastically.

Tara could almost hear Willow's jaw snap before she effortlessly transformed into professional mode. "Willow is fine, Mr Wilkins. I do okay. But I must compliment you on your establishment, it's hard to stay away."

"You bet it's a great place, built it with my own blood, sweat and tears. I'm so glad I ran into you, I've been meaning to talk to you at the club but the opportunity never presented itself," he said solemnly.

"Talk to me?"

"I think we may be able to do some business together."

Tara cringed as she watched the sparring between the two and wanted to drag Willow away, but she could say nothing.

"I'll see what I can do," Willow said neutrally.

"I've been meaning to diversify my investment portfolio. How do I set about opening an account with you?"

"Is it for your own money? I mean, your personal funds as opposed to those of your company."

"Yep, my money, every cent."

"I could definitely give you a favorable referral to our wealth management division. They have a lot of products that suit your needs, depending on your appetite for risk."

"Oh I have a huge appetite, you can be sure of that," he winked, not hiding the double entendre. "But I don't want a referral, young lady! I want you to handle my affairs personally."

Tara could see the wheels of doubt whirling in Willow's mind, but she hadn't counted on the response.

"Normally I handle corporate clients, Mr Wilkins. But I could make an exception, I'll need to clear it with my superiors first," she offered. Tara thought it sounded forced, though she couldn't put her finger on the problem.

Wilkins stood up and slapped Willow on the back with the affability of long lost buddies. "Excellent! Tara will give you my contact details and set up an appointment. I'm away a lot, so Tara will be your liaison," he said. Turning to Tara, "Come up to the Suite this afternoon, will you?"

Tara nodded, still speechless, as she watched him make his way back to his associates.

"He sure has a way with people," Willow commented.

"Yes he has. Are you taking his business?" Tara finally found her tongue.

"You are questioning my ethics?" Willow challenged.

"No, no. You know what you're doing, it's not my place to judge."

"I have to go back and talk to Patrick about this. Can I call you? And we need to finish our conversation."

"I won't change my mind."

"We'll see. Next time, I'll take you someplace where we won't get interrupted. I won't give up so easily, Tara," Willow said confidently.

There was one part of Tara who wanted to give in to her feelings, but another part who was too afraid of losing control. She wasn't sure how long her resolve could last.

*****
[br]

[tazraven]

Oh! Dibs for me. Gonna go read now

ETA: Feedback time! I seem to like using quotes lately to explain myself, so I think I'll stick with it. First off, great chapter Watty.

Do you ski?"

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea."

"You don't ski?"

"I do ski, but that's beside the point.

This quote sort of struck me as funny. I guess because Willow is following her mind babble, and so everything she asks just sounds pretty sudden. This dialogue really illustrates the totally different wavelengths Willow and Tara seem to be on. Willow thinks that they've worked through something big, and that a long weekend trip would be just the thing to advance the slowly burgeoning realtionship, and she may be right. Tara, though, she's very trepidatious. I'm not sure what she's thinking. Maybe she doesn't think they've worked through enough. I don't know, but she seems to be holding back almost. She may not be physically running away, but emotionally, she might be.

"Damn it, Tara. I thought — what are you trying to run away from this time?"

Me. You. Us. "I'm sorry, Will. I didn't want to lead you on."

And there's the part I just talked about. Willow seems willing to try. Hehe, willing Willow. And Tara just seems to not want to. Or maybe she's just scared. I'm not sure. Tara's feelings seem very ambiguous to me at sometimes, and then at other times, not in the slightest.

Yes, yes. I'll do anything you ask.

And inside of Tara's mind, we see that she's not that ambiguous at all here. She is just scared. I just don't know why she won't give this a chance. You'd think living in the underbelly of society would make you want to grab at the slightest chance for happiness. but maybe for Tara it's the opposite. Maybe she's jus so used to the badness of life, she doesn't think she can be happy.

Turning to Tara, "Come up to the Suite this afternoon, will you?"

Ugh, and we're back to the uncomfortable cringing that is a big part of this story. Wilkins if freaking me out.

"You are questioning my ethics?" Willow challenged.

"No, no. You know what you're doing, it's not my place to judge."

And then we have what I think is my favorite quote from this chapter. Willow has already done this. She questioned Tara's ethics the first time they met again. And yet here Tara is, realizing that it's Willow's life. She just seemed so much more mature than Willow here. And then there's what Willow said. If you put the ephasis and You and My, then you get a totally different feel to that question. Then you get Willow asking Tara why She's the one questioning, as if Tara could in no way question anyone's ethics because hers are so skewed. Two very different ways to take that question. Once again, great chapter, awesome writing. I can't wait until I can smile at the end of one of these chapter. And I promise, I mean that in the nicest way.

~Sara

[morningstar]

Shoot! i knew i forgot something sorry...

well the feedback that i had thought i had put down was along the lines of ...
that was awsome! i like how the interactions at the work place are shown. it also made Tara's work look like it was a more careing place (well from the way i read it) because at the club the people were turning for personal advice while in Willow's world they were all about tearing the other people down.

for the new update...

Arg Tara!!!! i guess i cant help feel frustrated that Tara is all no to Willow out loud but inside she is obviously all yeah i would love to go. Its like do something you really wanna do for once Tara!

but anyhow waiting for the next update!

[Chummy]

Come on we wait a whole week for a short chapter plz give us more. this story is so amazing that we can't have enough . I hope that Willow know what she is doing not only because of Tara she will accepte. and I kind have a bad feeling that Tara's boss will cause willow lots of problems he seems mean. I also love willow confidence that she will get Tara.

[Willowtree252]

ok I see I am back to chanting and I smell trouble with this guy big trouble and Tara is strating to piss me off she seems so heartless to me

[JustSkipIt]

Watty - First a very happy birthday.

I feel like there's some going on here that we don't really know about. Again I really love the economy of words in the update and in their dialog (have you been studying Cyd's writing?). This one seemed much more at Tara's pov than Willow's and I like that. It seems that Willow remains pursuer and Tara pursue-e. I love Wilow's bravery in asking Tara for time. I mean most people would finally get kind of turned off by being turned down but she doesn't seem to have that sensitivity. I'm glad for her that she's that brave and at the same time kind of scared that Tara better start to reciprocate (and not just saying yes to lunch).

At the same time I could feel Tara's fear about meeting for lunch. I mean what will they talk about if they can't talk about Tara's work and can't talk about their pasts? I mean "do you like musicals?" "do you like museums?" How do you get to know someone who you can't ask about the past? It seems quite hard and awkward and there's this whole intimacy thing there too. Like how do you start to barely know someone who used to be your everything?

I'm not sure that Wilkin's reasons are. He's totally untrustable but maybe he has Tara's interests at heart. He says that she will be Willow's liason so maybe he's setting them up. Or maybe he wants something financially unsavory from Willow and he wants as short a leash as possible on her. I just don't know what to think there.

Another good update.

[witchlove]

with tara being the contact person she wont beable to walk off and hide this time so Willow hopefully will get her way.

[tarawhipped]

More and more intrigue! I love that Willow was against taking on personal accounts, but now it's going to allow her to spend more time with Tara, even if if is on a professional basis (like that's gonna last!). Conversely, Tara's been trying so hard to keep things on a professional/distant level, and now her boss is making her spend more time with Willow, which is exactly what she's attempting to avoid! If this wasn't an angst-fest, it'd be a farce! So well done.

I love how you write their verbal sparring and inner monologues. Sara already quoted the ski bit, which I thought stood out as well. Maybe it's because Tara was just lamenting that they were stuck in small-talk mode, and then when Willow actually has the guts to come out and ask her, Tara's like 'can we talk about something else...perhaps shoes?' Hehehe. It's obvious her walls are crumbling, however, and methinks that once they're liasoning--liasing? whatever...they'll come crashing down completely. Come on, who can resist Willow?

Great job, my friend
-Cam

[db]

Oy, rl life is hectic!

Not enough time to keep up with fics and provide proper feedback.

a) happy birthday

b) ugh. so much is left unsaid between these two -- their fears and uncertainties and shortcomings and strengths and all the good stuff and the bad stuff that has to be said out loud... and they just... don't. Bah on Tara for rejecting Willow *again*, bah on Willow for bringing up the painful subject of ethics *again*. Triple quadruple double bah on Wilkins for a) interrupting b) for being mega skeevy and c) for most likely probably engineering some sort of underhanded thing that is most probably going to end up getting one or both of them into a crap load of trouble.... I just, it's a feeling and he stinks.

great update watty,

sorry I couldn't leave more thorough fb!

[Thianne]

why did you make me read this? you know you write like a goddess, but it's making me sad! it's too angsty *sniff*

[Emms]

yay! More lunch!! And Willow invited Tara to go skiing with her! I don't know, but I have a funny suspicion that Tara will decide to go in the end... how could she resist the thought of going away with Willow... excellent...

xoxo
Emms

[ringwaldoeuvre]

Willow is on steriods, or high on life, or something, because look at that girl go after Tara like Peeps (copyright protected) on sale at the Duane Reade on the Monday after Easter. I, for one, know that if I were Peeps-crazed, I would venture into the club of the object of my affection, then proceed to a romantic rendezvous in a local salad/sandwich place. 'Cept, have you gone into one of those places? If I wanted to treat a girl special-like, I would not make her feel special at the possibility of a Panini. Not that Panini is not awesome.

Anyway, I ranged between Talisker and a nondescript pipe during tha last few chapters. I felt that Tara was a little less "Showgirls" and a little more "Flashdance" this time around. She's teaching the young folk that they have to work to acheive their dreams, but there's a dark side: we might have to watch her dump a bucket of water all over herself.

Damn. If you say so.

Maybe the bucket o' water should be reserved for the audience, because the girls are finally nearing... crawling... towards hot gay action. And peoples, if there no action, and it is not hot, or gay, I will subscribe myself to watching an entire week of ABC Family programming. They still play a lot of "Gilmore Girls," right? Or maybe I can switch over to Lifetime and catch "The Truth About Jane!" Because even THAT would have gay action. It would not be hot, but it would be balanced by on-screen attitude that only Stockard Channing could provide.

That's it. I am going on strike. I will only watch Stockard Channing-related programming until the girls get together. How many times can I watch "Six Degrees of Separation?" Only watty can tell.

[JujuDeRoussie]

Hello Watty!!

I saw I didn't reply since a long time, sorry... it's just I really don't know what to say?
It's depressing... Tara's acting is depressing...it understandable but please? it's not insecurities now it's masochism... self punishment but also a punishment for Willow... Willow who's masichist because she keeps trying (and she has to never stop please!!)

But it's good..; don't get me wrong, I like your fic, but it depresses me lol

I can't imagine Tara sending herself for things I don't want to know, and don't get the chance to be happy beside that.
And willow has to turn down Wilkins' offer!!! she can't let him make money!!! He has to pay >__< (no I'm not frustrated I swear )

I'm waiting for more... like for example a long week end héhéhé

Thank you

Julia

[Alcy]

Another great couple of chapters watty. I really like the way you've written Tara and while I personally would have thought it was a great idea, I'm glad she didn't agree to go on the ski trip with Willow. Ski trips are particuarly dangerous as the evenings involve lots of sitting around in front of open fires drinking wine...very dangerous indeed. Although I would love to see that scene of course! It's just not the right time for something like that to happen.
And now we've got Willow delving into some shady dealings? I'm not so hot with financial portfolios and whatnot, I cant even keep my own money straight and there's not a lot of that to look after! I just hope that she knows what she's getting in to here, although I can't help but think it's going to be messy.
Thanks watty, I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

[watty]

tazraven

Hi Sara. Thanks again. Things are moving a bit for them, can't say whether it's exactly forward or not. I tried to portray Willow asking Tara to go away with her as a spontaneous question, when we all know how much she's rehearsed it in her mind and then at the moment basically blurted what was the real question. They're not yet on the same wavelength, although they can understand where the other is coming from. Tara is afraid that if she went skiing with Willow she'll lose whatever control over her inner emotions and do something regrettable. She's not there yet, she's still hiding.

I'm not sure. Tara's feelings seem very ambiguous to me at sometimes, and then at other times, not in the slightest.

I think that's her problem. She knows what she wants, but she actually doesn't. She has issues to work through, but she knows those issues are only there because she lets them.

Willow is a picture of contrariness too -- the irony of the whole judging conversation is there exactly for that purpose -- to show the irony. Sorry that Wilkins freaks you out and makes you cringe. At his "big bad" worst, he is cringeworthy and very very creepy. Much more so than the in-your-face type of villains.

I can't wait until I can smile at the end of one of these chapter. And I promise, I mean that in the nicest way.

I read your comment in the nicest way too. And *ahem* not too long to wait, although to be completely laughing without abandonment, I'd say that will only happen at the last chapter. When (and it is a question of when) I get them together, it's not the end of the angst. I'm evil that way.

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morningstar

Hi! No worries. There is a different, yet the same feel about their respective jobs, that's for sure.

Tara is all no to Willow out loud but inside she is obviously all yeah

*nods* She's sacred, but more of herself than Willow. But there really is no reason for it.

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Chummy

Oh yes, Wilkins is one mean creepy villain, he's going to cause a lot of problems, and I don't think that's a spoiler. Um I write short chapters and I'm posting once a week, it works best for my schedule and the pace of the story. Update next.

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Dianneswillowtree

*hands Dianne incense sticks to aid chanting* Wilkins is definitely trouble. As for Tara, she's in that space between indecision and decision be gentle with her.

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Debra

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

have you been studying Cyd's writing?

I think that even if I studied for a million years I'd never achieve a fraction of Cyd's impeccably balanced combination of words, tone and setting. I'm glad you think the brevity worked. There are a lot of thoughts going through both their minds -- Willow is happy to have found Tara but is hesitantly happy; Tara is a picture of confusion, knowing what she wants but not open enough with herself to accept it. Willow is still very much the one doing the chasing, and she certainly is persistent! Your description that she doesn't have the sensitivity is right, when it comes to Tara she has a really thick skin. Which is good, otherwise Tara won't do a thing and they're stuck. Again.

how do you start to barely know someone who used to be your everything?

Oh man, that's a tough question. And perfectly put. They know so much about each other, and yet they know nothing. With a new friend, relationship there's a blueprint -- the standard questions about family, schools etc. How do they fill in that 6 year gap? Will they ever? Perhaps it's a question of agreeing that some things are water under the bridge, and only select the most important issues to talk through. And with them still not so connected, it's hard to come up with what is important and what can be filed away.

Wilkins is creepy and untrustworthy and evil. There is history with Tara (naturally) which I will come back to. Why did Tara leave Sunnydale with him and manage to stay 6 years? I hope some of that can be answered eventually. He wants to use Willow, as he does everyone. I'll try not to get too much into the finance-speak.

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witchlove

Yep, they're connecting at another level now -- professionally. Perhaps it's the only thing they can "get" in each other, so it's a start.

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Cam

I'll try not to get too jargon-y with the finance stuff, but professionally it's a complete unknown for Willow to be taking Wilkins' personal business, but we saw in the last chapter what Patrick told her. Having a bridge to Tara is good, and it's the best way for them to reconnect at this point. They're both all over the place emotionally but professionally they're both confident and can meet on common grounds. Spending time in a work environment will make them relate to each other better and like you said, how much longer can Tara resist Willow?

If this wasn't an angst-fest, it'd be a farce!

Hee! I like that. It never occurred to me that it'll be a comedy or farce, strange how our minds work, eh.

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db

Hey Grande Dame, hope RL is busy but good. Congrats on all your recent achievements and thanks for the birthday wishes!

I'm glad you picked up on the words left unsaid between them. So much going on in their minds, it's a mess. Before they talk, they need to come to an understanding about what they should talk about, and what they should agree to leave behind. I think Tara rejecting Willow is right, it's not the right time. And I'm also glad you mentioned the ethics question again.

Yep, Wilkins is one mega skeevy (like the word) villain. I think this fic needed a more subtle villain and he fits the bill. Thanks again.

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Vale

Awww. I didn't *make* you read this? Oh well, yes I did. A little angst is good for you!!! Some less angsty stuff will happen soon, I promise.

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Emms

It's hard for Tara to resist Willow, that's true. She needs to get past her own insecurities and uncertainties first. Thanks, Emmy.

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ringwaldoeuvre

@Peeps. Well, when you're in love (did I say love?) isn't it a question that it doesn't matter if it's a five-star place or a dingy hole-in-the-wall? But yeah, they're not at that point yet. Tara is more mature, but only when it comes to matters not of her heart.

the girls are finally nearing... crawling... towards hot gay action

oh yeah, crawling ... and crawling ... and crawling ... and crawling. It's like watching Omar Sharif ride through the shimmering desert at the beginning of Lawrence of Arabia.

How many times can I watch "Six Degrees of Separation?" Only watty can tell.

Heh. And I ain't tellin', I'm just sayin'. Thanks, Mary.

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JujuDeRoussie

Yes it is depressing, but there is a guaranteed happy ending. They simply have too many issues to go through before the good stuff happens, and RL doesn't lend itself to happy stuff most of the time. They've moved beyond needing time they need a little push and this new development with Wilkins may be the catalyst. We'll see. Thanks Julia.

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Alcy

You're absolutely right, it's not the right time for them to go away to a secluded ski resort. They'll end up inappropriately in bed and regretting it; or they'll sit around in awkward silence; or they'll try to talk and fight. It's too much of an undertaking.

Well, while the idea of taking personal accounts is unusual for what Willow is doing, it's not against any rules. It's just dealing with an unfamiliar area. However Wilkins' motives are definitely shady I think we know him well enough as a villain to know that.

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[watty]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watty (hiddenwatson[at]gmail[dot]com)
Distribution: Chris and Susan have pre-approval. Anyone else please ask for my permission first.
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialogue belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: This will be long and angsty. It also changes direction more than once. I had planned for it to go in a certain direction, I didn't know it would go that far. Sometimes, stories have a mind of their own.



Part 15

Willow was buried in a mass of documents, printouts and prospectuses; she had been screening them for a whole day. She was tired, and rubbed her fingers wearily across the bridge of her nose.

"I'm impressed." Patrick. "You didn't go out to get any client. You bagged the ex-mayor of Sunnydale. Some say he's got his sight on following in the footsteps of Guiliani and Bloomberg."

"I haven't checked out all the paperwork yet." She didn't want to go into a discussion of Richard Wilkins' political ambitions and focused on the task at hand instead. "I'll forward the pack to you when I've finished."

"No matter, send it to me now," Patrick directed.

"But the due diligence isn't complete. He's opening an account in his own name and that puts him immediately in with the high risk group." She rummaged in the pile marked 'received' and pulled out a random document. "See here, he's listed the companies he own, but some of them don't have addresses or he hasn't listed the co-owners. Plus being an ex-politician he's a Sensitive Person, that's another level of clearance needed."

"But most of it checks out?"

"Yes, he gave me the information really quickly. Almost too quickly."

He laughed. "Now you're suspicious because he was efficient?"

"I'm not being difficult for the sake of being difficult. I haven't had an individual client before, and there's something about him that makes me want to be extra careful."

"Are there any red flags?"

"Well, the addresses for starters."

"Highlight them and I'll review, but let me have the pack," he glanced at the stack on her desk, "first thing tomorrow."

"I've set up a meeting at his office tomorrow afternoon to go over the outstanding issues, how about I go to that one first then give you the pack with my findings?"

"Can't wait. there's an executive committee meeting at nine. I want to announce that we are the first group to successfully venture into this cross selling initiative. Another feather in our, and your, cap."

"But —"

He tapped on her papers. "I'll take full responsibility, get me the documentation and I'll sign off, okay?"

*****

Willow dutifully left the new account documentation on Patrick's desk before going home, but she still kept the appointment with Richard Wilkins. She wasn't surprised that he brought a team of getters and fetchers; three of them sat opposite her along one side of an oval conference table, as if she being interviewed or interrogated. If they thought she would be intimidated, they had obviously underestimated her. She did raise one eyebrow slightly when Tara walked in with Wilkins. Their eyes locked briefly and Tara looked as if she was about to sit on Willow's side when one of her colleagues indicated the empty seat next to her boss.

Willow wasn't bothered and proceeded to start the discussions.

"It's just a formality, Mr Wilkins, I apologize for the amount of material I am requesting. Under the Patriot Act the Bank has certain obligations to fulfill when opening new client accounts," she explained.

"Why do you want to know how often Mr Wilkins will deposit funds? And whether or not he has signatory rights over other custodial accounts? And accounts in other countries? Seems to me this infringes on his First Amendment rights." A thin, twitchy man who had been introduced as Alan Finch jumped right into attack mode. More like unsubstantiated posturing as far as Willow was concerned. She laughed inwardly. First Amendment rights? The man's scare tactics didn't work on her. She looked over at Tara and felt a rush of warmth at Tara's imperceptible eye-roll.

"As I said, Mr Finch, this is standard procedure. It may seem arduous at first, but we only need to do this once. It will ensure transactions are done smoothly once the account is set up, and a long and fruitful relationship between the parties."

"I think Willow is being a responsible citizen. This shows to me the Bank is serious about cooperating with the authorities to fight terrorism and problems like money laundering," Tara interjected.

Alan Finch turned to Tara with an exasperated expression. "Yes but some of these questions are not related to this account specifically. What will she ask for next? His shoe size?"

He's trying to make her look like she's the one causing trouble.

"Now, now. You both make good points," Wilkins placed one arm over the back of Tara's chair in a subtle message of endorsement. "Willow is just doing her job, right Willow?" At Willow's nod he continued. "Let's get as much as we can, we want to be patriots don't we?"

Alan Finch looked like he wanted to protest but swallowed whatever words he was about to utter.

"There is some information we simply don't have," a third assistant, Lilah Morgan from the legal department, spoke up for the first time.

A flicker of irritation crossed Wilkins' normally chipper features. "Well, gather what you have. Tara will coordinate and consolidate for Willow," he instructed. "Let's get this done today."

It was obvious the meeting had come to a close and the team followed Wilkins out of the conference room like ducklings following a mother duck. Willow stifled a snigger at the image.

"Mother hen or piped piper?" Tara had made her way to Willow's side, ostensibly to help her pack up her documents.

Willow grinned. They were obviously thinking of the same thing. "Ducklings. Does it happen a lot?"

"Mr Wilkins likes to include his advisors and staff in meetings so they are fully in the loop," Tara deadpanned.

"But do they have to be so, so droid army like?" Willow scowled.

"You mean, follow the leader?"

"Yeah."

"It's always been like this."

"Huh," Willow pondered, then snapped her briefcase shut with a shrug. "Have dinner with me?"

She expected a rejection, or at least needing to build a case or turn on the charm.

"Okay," Tara agreed shyly.

If happiness could be defined, it was that pinpoint moment within the four walls of a nameless conference room when two lost hearts took another tentative step closer to finding what they thought had gone forever.

*****

By the time they came out of the restaurant it was later than they expected. Time had simply flew by as they enjoyed the company and the conversation. As if by unspoken consent, they didn't speak of their past and only of interests and hobbies: the sort of 'getting to know you' conversation that happened on dates after exchanging family history. It was of course not a date, they had not wanted to define the nature of this dinner. There was too much history, too many complications, too much hurt. For a few glorious hours, it was like what they could have been, if only.

"I told you we should have shared the dessert. I'm about to explode," Willow groaned as she walked out into the cold November air. "When did it start snowing?"

"No matter how long I've lived here, I never get used to it," Tara said as she wrapped her scarf tighter around her head and put on her gloves quickly. She hooked her arm around Willow's in an impulsive act of familiarity. Willow stiffened for a passing second, but quickly moved closer, if only because huddling together kept out some of the cold.

There were no taxis in sight so they strolled along the street; it was better than standing still and getting buffeted by the snow.

"What was it like?" Willow's question, contrary to the night's animated talk, was almost inaudible.

And ambiguous, though Tara got it. It was her turn to be circumspect. To buy some time, she led Willow in the direction of her apartment a few blocks away. They walked slowly, each deep in their own thoughts.

"Tough. Soul-destroyingly tough. Or as Mr Wilkins would say, character-building tough," Tara finally said with a wry chuckle, a block and a half later. She supposed the shop windows in between were full of pretty seasonal decorations, but her mind was too occupied to notice.

"I can see why you did it," Willow said quietly. "Yeah, I gave you flak, but that was me only thinking how pissed off I was that you left ... me. I never thought about it from your point of view."

"What changed?"

"You've done so well for yourself. Wilkins, he trusts you, and I get a sense that he doesn't give out trust easily. You're pretty well regarded in his organization, aren't you? I had assumed that you only worked on the floor but you're much more than that, right?"

"I worked my way up. I think it helped that he and I both knew that I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to, which meant that I was completely loyal to him. At first it was out of necessity, but along the way I stopped thinking about it."

"And are you? Loyal to him?"

"I owe him a huge debt for taking me away from a hopeless Sunnydale future, I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay that."

Willow snorted. "And he'll do everything not to make you forget, to feed on your guilt. He's a cunning old fox; I know he's your boss and all, but be careful of him. He has more money than I estimated, even with aggressive investments. I need to look very carefully at his source of funds."

"Is that why you've been pushing for all those extra information?"

"Partly. There are extra layers of approvals for the type of account he is opening. But yes, he triggers all sorts of alarm bells in me, though I can't put my finger on exactly why. Were you surprised? That he put you in charge, so to speak?"

"Not as surprised as Alan. Did you see the look on his face?"

"Yes, I also saw the smirk on Ms Morgan's. Is there much politics?"

"Oh, heaps."

"What's the secret of your success, Tara? You don't strike me as a player."

"It's complicated."

"Ah, 'it's complicated' -- that always sounds so ominous."

"Everything personal in my life has been complicated, I don't know why."

"Including us?"

They reached Tara's apartment building at that moment and thoughts turned personal. There was no denying the easy affinity they felt tonight, and the pull of the attraction that had always simmered between them. Their arms had intertwined during the short walk from the restaurant and gloved hands had slipped together without either realizing it. Despite the thick layers of sheepskin and leather, their fingers tingled with a soft warmth of a deeply buried sensation that had steadily coursed through their beings all night.

"D-d-do you want to come in? Get yourself warmed up," Tara didn't answer Willow's question directly, but the invitation was clear.

Willow looked at Tara for so long that Tara thought she'd shiver, or melt, under that searching gaze. "I want to," she murmured.

"But?" Tara took half a step closer so they were almost touching. They were still holding hands.

"I don't know if I'll be able to leave, tonight," Willow's eyes were flushed with a fire that would have been staggering if the same weren't reflected in Tara's.

Tara could have questioned, or reasoned, or promised; but why were they talking about it? She pulled them closer and, subconsciously noting that Willow hadn't flinched, captured Willow's lips in hers. There was a small needy sound, then carefully built barriers folded and drifted away with the snowflakes and they couldn't stop kissing, and touching, and finding.

*****
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