Lamplight

[sacinema]

Oh thanks, finally chapter 10 and soon it will go on. It's a long time I read that chapter but only now after reading it again it downed on me who Gavin Park is. And I wonder if W&H will make an appearance.

Tara is one twisted person nowadays. I do understand that she doesn't want to be pushed by Willow. But is it so hard to accept that she hurt Willow by leaving town without a word? And yes, Willow offered to be her family. Tara was to proud to take the offer. And now she gives all this shit about being tough. If she was really self-confident she didn't need to snap at Willow like that. This girl needs more than three-dollar-psychologist books and she has the money to afford herself more. Driving away the only people who love you certainly will not solve her problems.

Willow on the other hand is to pushy and in a way judgemental about Tara's choice of how she earns her living. And she doesn't know by now what she really is doing. I don't think Tara came to her good income by working two nights a week in a bar.

I'm sooooo waiting for the next update. Finally. Thank you for giving this story a new start.

[Emms]

My tummy's all in knots, watty ....in knots

That conversation did not go well and Tara was being so matter-of-fact.

And that man with his big possessive hand all over her shoulder... I just wanted to kick him somewhere.... And Tara asked him to go to Boston with her??! Willow was sitting right there, but what could she do? A big fat nothing, that's what. Poor Willow.

Towards the end of the chapter I just wanted Willow to get up and scoop Tara up into her arms (like in that movie Oklahoma when the Laurie's Aunt tells Curly: "Why don't you grab her and kiss her when she acts that way? She's just aching fer ya to, I bet" or something to that extent ) and kiss her, holding her really tight and telling her that it's okay. I really think Tara needs that--needs Willow to assert some sort of Willow-esque damn-it-I've-had-enough-of-this-non-sense ' ness. I really think that if Willow just grabbed her and kissed her all of Tara's everything would just melt away and she'd be there with Willow...really be there with Willow..

Wonderful update, watty... you have me on the edge of my seat, waiting for more. I love your writing. I love that you're updating Lamplight again. And it may not seem like it, but I love all the angst too...'cos it makes the sweet all the more sweet.

xoxo
Emms

[ringwaldoeuvre]

People, I have not been this frustrated with a restaurant scene since "My Dinner with Andre." There's all this tension and subtext, and fake niceties, and the indie crowd is going positively wild about it, and nothing actually happens between our heroines except ANGST.

Also, I know we're supposed to think that *Tiesha* is so cool because she can rendezvous with Gavin in Boston. But really... since when does going to Boston from New York, or really - going to Boston from anywhere - count as jet-setting? I mean, I travel from Brooklyn to Manhattan every day, does that suddenly make me vaguely fly? Granted, I don't get to dine in fancy restaurants and crash in swanky Greenwich Village apartments, so I guess my snarkage should be directed at Time Out New York. But still.

Anyway. Gavin is way creepy. Tara is way moody. Willow is way confused. It's a mess, people. Freaking KISS ALREADY, because I will be ingesting an entire bottle of Scotch if the next chapter bears any resemblance to "Waiting for Godot."

P.S. Brooklyn is the best borough. The end. Love, Fake!Sars!

[watty]

Dianneswillowtree

I'm sorry for making you worry my dear. May I suggest starting a chant "it will be great eventually" set to deceptively soothing new age music?

~~~~~

db

db, my dear friend. Thank you. For being so fast with your comment, and your constant support. *hugs*

I like your analysis of both Tara's and Willow's predicament. There are similarities in that

The real question for me is what is Tara walking toward? I mean. I get what she originally was after (autonomy, financial security, material posessions that she was deprived of as a child), but what is she walking toward *now*?

Excellent point. I think the easiest answer is that she has been heading towards that goal for so long, and so single-mindedly, that she doesn't know anything else. Associated with that is does she even know when or even how to stop? She is all too aware of which industry she works in, and there has got to be a degree of denial, of convincing herself that there is nothing wrong with it, it doesn't help that she is deliberately ignoring all her inner feelings.

You're right. Willow is in a slightly more stable emotional position, but she's always been in the more comfortable position in this story -- no angsty childhood or selling herself to get by. I also realized that we've seen more of Willow's pov than Tara's which makes her more sympathetic.

I am not entirely sure what Willow does (is she a stock trader?).

Yes she works on the trading floor of an investment bank. I've been deliberately vague about her job because I didn't want to get into the specifics, and also I have her as a sort of research trader, which isn't exactly a common job in an i-bank.

I really like this:

[Tara] has a lot to teach Willow about the real world, and I think it is a lesson Willow could do with learning... but *Willow* has a lot to teach Tara about being emotionally available and investing in the people around you

It's when they are both able to connect, when this starts happening, that they'll be able to try to explore what the future can bring to them as a couple. But yes, there's still a little more pain and angst to come.

~~~~~

Debra

Right now I think not even Tara knows what sort of pain she is in, or if she should be in pain, or how to get herself out of the rut she placed herself in. The passage with Gavin was intended to bring out the yuck, the very fake yuck.

Willow advanced very very quickly in her career and it is possible to make that much so quickly. The flipside is that burnout comes quickly too. Does she have joy in her life because she makes so much? Doesn't seem to be the case.

Thanks again, Elvis.

~~~~~

tazraven

They're both so distant, it hurts. I wanna just lock 'em in a room together 'til they work out the evil misunderstandings, and fakeness, and angst.

Yes and thank you (in a twisted way). They so need to have some sense throttled into them for certain. The Gavin character was intended to be a slimeball, there are so many of those in Tara's and Willow's world.

~~~~~

sacinema

Thank you! It's nice to be back.

But is it so hard to accept that she hurt Willow by leaving town without a word?

*nods* It wasn't just her leaving, as her leaving without a trace. We won't go into how badly Willow felt when she found out Tara left then, but it's not hard to imagine the intense panic.

Interesting that you pointed out that Willow is pushy and judgmental. She doesn't think she is, of course, and will end up saying the wrong things. She also thinks she has "street" knowledge and she doesn't -- she's been too coddled and privileged in her life to understand Tara.

Finally,

I wonder if W&H will make an appearance.

Not explicitly. I've been vague about the nature of the law firm Tara worked in, but there are similarities to W&H.

Thanks for reading, the good news is that the chapters from now on will be new ones.

~~~~~

Emms

Awww. *rubs Emmy's knotty tummy* I understand about liking the angst but being all in knots about it. It's like eating too much delicious ice cream isn't it?

Tara asked him to go to Boston with her??!

Ah, well. Actually, the conversation was fake fake fake. Tara wasn't going anywhere near Boston the next day and Gavin won't meet her there if she did. It's all a game.

Towards the end of the chapter I just wanted Willow to get up and scoop Tara up into her arms and kiss her, holding her really tight and telling her that it's okay.

Deep deep deep down, that's all they both want. Sigh. In real life, we overthink too much.

It's good to be back with Lamplight, plus it's good to be updating it regularly. Thanks for your support!

~~~~~

ringwaldoeuvre

Thanks, my friend. Um, I think I will need to ship a case of the finest Talisker 10-year old to you because the next part will be a bunch of waiting.

You're right, going from NYC to Boston is not high end travelling, but it wasn't really supposed to be. It's all part of the fake "I'm saying this for the sake of saying" game. I love this neat summary of the restaurant scene:

Anyway. Gavin is way creepy. Tara is way moody. Willow is way confused. It's a mess, people.

Oh hell, big freaking mess. Heehee, you don't think I'll let them kiss just yet?


[br]

[watty]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watty (hiddenwatson[at]gmail[dot]com)
Distribution: Chris and Susan have pre-approval. Anyone else please ask for my permission first.
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialogue belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: This will be long and angsty. It also changes direction more than once. I had planned for it to go in a certain direction, I didn't know it would go that far. Sometimes, stories have a mind of their own.
Notes 2: This chapter marks the start of the "new", previously unpublished, Lamplight, it was written after almost 2 years on hiatus so the tone may be a little different.


Part 11

"Back again?" the girl at the door couldn't have been more than sixteen, seventeen; yet she was wearing clothes that tried to display more skin and curves than she possessed.

"Uh huh, can't stay away," Willow mumbled as she paid the cover charge and stepped in through the velvet curtains. It was dark but she could navigate this place blindfolded by now. Walk fifteen feet to the bar, nod an acknowledgement at a muscular, dark-skinned figure in a revealing silver outfit, watch her slide off her bar stool and take the offered seat.

"How's it going, Willow? The usual?" the hostess asked. It was a friendly question, not laden with the suggestive undertones usually reserved for clients.

"Yeah, thanks Kendra." Willow's eyes were scanning the packed floor already, and she scarcely noticed Kendra's wave at the bartender. A short while later, a heavy tumbler was placed inches from her hand. She picked it up automatically, not noticing the ice clinking slightly in the amber liquid as she swirled it around before taking a sip.

"I haven't seen her today, Willow. Mr Wilkins is in town," Kendra offered helpfully.

Willow's shoulders slumped visibly although she said nothing. She swept the room one last time and finally admitted that her target was not to be seen that night. Or any night. She blinked in surprise at the almost empty tumbler in her hand, condensation making trails down the outside of the glass and spilling onto her fingers. She had no memory of the drink, and felt none of the buzz that 40% alcohol was supposed to bring.

"Why don't I introduce you to another girl? There are plenty others who are younger and not well, semi-retired." Willow turned sharply at Kendra's measured Caribbean drawl, having forgotten also that the hostess was next to her. Kendra wasn't the type to be easily rattled, but she was taken aback at Willow's intense yet eerily hollow gaze.

It was a few moments before Willow replied. "Was she good? I mean, when she was —" To Kendra, it was as if Willow was still trying to convince herself that Tiesha — Tara — was someone else.

"She was, is still, one of the best. Mr Wilkins marked her as special, you know."

"Special? Special how?" Willow drained the last of her whisky and stared penetratively at the remaining ice cubes in the glass.

Kendra immediately waved to the bartender for a refill. "She's his favorite. Faith is his right hand, but Tara is the one he trusts. She has access to all sorts of stuff that is off-limits to us, including he himself," she explained.

"You mean, they?" It was too dark for Kendra to see Willow's anguished expression, but it wasn't hard to hear the dread in the question.

"Look, I've said too much already. You seem to be a nice person, Willow. Don't get involved in our ilk, it never ends well." Kendra passed the fresh glass to Willow and watched as the redhead took a practiced swill that consumed half the burning liquid. And she doesn't even feel it. She knew her words fell on empty ears, she'd seen it too many times, these types of infatuation. If the attractive young banker wanted to throw away her life for physical pleasures, there was nothing she could do about it.

*****

Willow fidgeted and surreptitiously caught the eye of the waiter, who hurried over with a tray of wine and crudities. She dispensed with the food and snatched the glass of cheap merlot which she drained perfunctorily. She hated company functions. She especially hated being paraded about as a case study.

Patrick waved her over impatiently. "Come on, the Q&A is starting soon." He addressed the small posse of his staff gathered around him like a football coach prepping his team before one of those Bowls named after a flower. Or a drill sergeant pumping up his troops. "Don't forget, you are the crème de la crème. Show these overly eager young recruits how difficult it is to get inside our compound. If by chance we accidentally let one of them slip through, they need to understand we're gonna strip them of everything they know and they'd better leave that snotty MBA attitude behind."

"Sounds like a plan," one of her more flamboyant colleagues said. She could almost feel them rubbing their hands in glee, at the prospect of fresh meat to mislead and torment. MBA students were notorious for the size of their inflated egos, but she remembered being one herself, not so long ago, and of being utterly confused for those first weeks. What her professors had told her in college was so quickly debunked by the people who were actually working in the field as they tried their best to teach her the realities of the world of real finance.

She listened but didn't take part in the discussions between the bankers and the students. Until the inevitable segment when her own academic and professional career was put up on a powerpoint slide for all to gawp at. Triple Major, MBA, every imaginable prize and scholarship under the sun. All before the age of 22. The Annual Willow Rosenberg Circus Animal Display, as she called it privately. Outwardly she was the picture of enthusiasm, explaining the amount of hard work and slog that went into being a successful trader, but she could still see the stars in the students eyes.

"How long does it take to be promoted to VP?" one student asked anxiously.

"There are structured programs that will take you from Analyst through to Associate, then it's up to your performance. I'm sure HR will explain the class year concept in more detail," she explained.

"But you only get the huge bonuses when you become a VP. I want to know where to put my efforts into getting promoted," the student persisted.

A house full of expensive toys is still an empty house.

The Q&A session lasted longer than she wanted and it was a relief when it finally ended. Patrick wasn't going to let them off so easily, and a trip to the nightclubs was proposed. She swallowed the excuse that was at the tip of her tongue as she caught his 'don't try me' expression. She was his star employee, but knew there was only so much slack he would give her.

Adding to her consternation someone suggested Fur. Tara's club. As she exited the taxi she hid behind her more boisterous colleagues to avoid being recognized by the door staff. It then occurred to her that they would say nothing unless she did — the club pride itself on being absolutely exclusive and therefore the staff would be discreet.

It was Anything Goes night. She hadn't forgotten, she saw the schedule pinned up backstage and had memorized it after one glance. As her colleagues hooted in raucous anticipation, she ordered several whiskies and drank them in quick succession, hoping that her senses would be dulled before the show started. According to her observations and conversation with various staff of the club, Tara was retired and didn't participated in shows anymore.

Unless it was a particularly special occasion.

She had been feeling a chill down her spine all day and the hairs at the back of her neck stood up when the emcee announced that yes, tonight was a Very Special Occasion and the patrons would be treated to a night they would never forget.

*****

Tara watched Willow from behind the cover of the heavy stage curtains. She knew that her former friend had been coming to the club every night for the three weeks since their disastrous lunch date. She also knew that Willow wasn't there for the company of the hostesses, since all she did was watch and wait. And drink. Far too readily Tara recognized Willow's drinking behavior. The diffidence and the dulled senses gave her away as someone treading a thin line between social drinking and closet alcoholism.

She knew she was a coward, to hide from Willow, because she knew that she was the reason behind Willow's visits. Kendra told her that she had struck up a conversation with the redhead on several occasions, and the normally stoic dark girl had gone as far as saying that Tara should deal with whatever demons that were raging between them before it got out of hand.

Truth was, seeing Willow again stirred up too many emotions that Tara had worked so hard to bury. She had convinced herself that those memories were just that, forgotten memories from a closed chapter of her life. Growing up in Aunt Marie's home, meeting Willow, studying together were images from an idyllic childhood of another person, not her. The night of prom, their closeness, and the brief kiss ... these were sensations from a past that had to be put away.

All around her the company was getting ready for the performance. There was an undeniable sexual energy in the air tonight. Once every so often they would hold an evening show that was deliberately provocative, when the performers were free, no... encouraged, to drive the audience to a frenzy. These events were not publicized, but those who needed to know would get to know. And for those who didn't know beforehand it was an out of the world surprise. It was good for their reputation.

Tara knew she should be getting herself focused. It was the first time she had gone on stage for a long time, but she had been edgy for a few weeks and she wanted to lose herself for one night. She no longer had to take part in any of the front of house activities, but that was one place where she could relax and forget about who she had become.

She had not counted on Willow being there. In theory Willow was one costumer among the sea of faces outside. Everyone wants a piece of me, everyone will ogle me like I'm some prized pig. She's no different. So why was there such an incredible tightness in her chest when she spied, no... she felt, Willow walk into the club? Her fist clenched so tightly that her fingernails were cutting into the skin of her palm. She felt sickly stirrings in the pit of her stomach. Fear. Doubt. Apprehension. Willow was sitting very still at the edge of the couch, seemingly in her own hellish world. The sadness in those eyes bore into her, like no other person had done. She shuddered at her own weakness, and tried in vain to push back the tinge of desire that threatened to burst through her well constructed internal defenses.

The house lights dimmed and the music started.

"Are you ready, Tara?" The stage manager's eye was on her.

Internally she was in turmoil, yet outwardly she was calm as a rock. She put on her game face and took a deep cleansing breath.

"Let's go," she said.

*****

Willow couldn't remember the show, only abstract colors and feelings. She was sure it was sizzling and sensual, but everything faded into oblivion as soon as the spotlight came on and it was Tara's smile, Tara's voice ... Tara everywhere. The way the spotlights caressed her, picking out the glittering beads on her costume that made her seem to sparkle and float electrified Willow. She didn't realize how tensed she was, her every muscle was wound up and ready to spring in Tara's presence.

She gripped the handrests of her chair as Tara glided from the stage toward her. Two hours had passed from the moment the music and the lights snapped on and illuminated a solitary Tara on stage. One solo song was followed by the rest of the production, which quickly faded into Willow's subconscious. She only had eyes for Tara. And now as the climax approached, Tara held her gaze steadily and it was as if there was no noise, no crowds, no distractions around them.

Tara stood directly in front of Willow's seat, silent while the chorus sang around her. Willow's neighbor tried to grab Tara, who neatly sidestepped the man's lunge. It was clear that her attention was on Willow only.

The crescendo of music matched the build-up of intensity between them. The final notes exploded like fireworks around them.

There was complete silence before the audience erupted with applause.

"How much is your bar fine, beautiful?" Willow's neighbor was nothing if not persistent.

Tara's eyes never left Willow's. "You can't afford me, sir," she said evenly.

"And Willow can? I'll give you more in every way," he challenged.

Tara's mouth flickered briefly in a dismissive smile as she made clear she was addressing Willow.

"Follow me."

*****
[br]

[Willowtree252]

Watty I have a feeling I will be chanting a lot with this story. There are many word,s that strike me with this story hollow, pain , empty and serching but the biggest is Lost. I know what it is like to want something you feel like you can,t have and I think that both girls feel that here thay don,t think thay can bridge the gap but what pisses me off is thay are not even trying I hope next week will lead us in a path to our girls together

[tazraven]

Wow. Willow's making me feel downright depressed. I can just see her, lonely red-head, a drink in hand, downing em so that she doesn't hurt so much. Darn you. You're making me sad. Which I know was the intended reaction, but still. Kudos for the end though. I can only hope that they talk through their many issues and don't do something they'll regret.

~Sara

[Tujeky]

Every night for three weeks? Poor Willow.

Seems like Tara has had some time to process, even in her running away. Willow is so frightening, because without even doing anything her presence threatens to tear down the walls of safety Tara's built for herself.

[blockquote]Everyone wants a piece of me, everyone will ogle me like I'm some prized pig. She's no different. [/blockquote]

She's clinging desperately to this idea of removal, and it makes me sad. Wow, they are both so sad.

The dance is a great electric catalyst. Ironic how the distant relationship between performer and spectator can somehow bridge a gap between them.
I have no idea what's going to happen next. I love that. Thanks

[JujuDeRoussie]

Hello!

I caught up recently with this fic, and it's quite depressing.... but good :-)

it's just really angst-y but hey you told us it would be ^^

i hope ow things are gonna be better?

thank you for your fic ^^

Julia

[JustSkipIt]

Watty - how brutal. Poor Willow going and hanging out every night drinking her little brain cells to death. Kendra's nice to try and deter her but Willow seems quite self-abusively determined. I have to say that I don't think that I'd spend that much energy on someone who so obviously has a life that doesn't involve me any more. Of course, that's just me.

This update seems to show a much more mature and compassionate Tara. She seems to know herself much better than the last few updates. I'll be facinated to see what's going to happen now that Willow will follow her (we assume).

[db]

Watty Pants!

Please excuse my brevity... I am working working working and have very little time.

Feetback:

Poor Willow. My heart aches for her. She is being a little pathetic with the drinking and the pursuing of someone who is obviously avoiding her though. it makes me angry with Tara. She hasn't been honest (not fully), with Willow since the begining. And, ok, Willow is a bit... imature in the sex department compared to Tiesha/Tara, and yeah Willow idealizes their youth -- but hell, Willow wasn't alone there. Tara was there too -- and Willow was there for Tara in a million important ways. I think Tara should at least do Willow the curtousy of being honest with her...

I think the problem may be that Tara hasn't been honest with herself...

I mean, clearly she desires Willow, she just wishes she didn't.

(and now I am back to ppor willow)

But hot dancing Tara?

^squueeee*

...and hot dancing Tara asking Willow to follow her?

My inner perv is breakdancing!

(I just hope that Tara isn't pulling some sort of power move -- 'cause you *know* if it gets physical, Willow will be all about the "i've always loved you" ,,, and I am afraid Tara will be all buisness like and say it is just a fling (which, again, will bring me back to poor willow -- and also, leave me with the inclination to drop something heavy on Tara's toe).

Sorry my feedback is so short... but I am off to bed. Early day tomorrow.

Oh, and happy st paddy's day to ya.

db

[Kaia]

Jesus Christ on a crutch, watty!!!!



Willow going there every night for the past 3 weeks, drinking every night...*thinks...and sighs*
You're right. There certainly is a difference in the tone. And like Debra said, Tara feels a little more mature. I so can't wait to see what you have in store for us...but I will. Patiently even. Twice!

Until next weekend-oh!

K.

[Chummy]

Can't wait to see what will happened next.

[morningstar]

wow...

so much to focus upon!

i mean there are the little things that are just left in there that makes me think like a mile a minuet, such as Tara's little alcholic comment.

cant wait to see where this is headed.

[will]

Watty I love your story it's amazing.
Usually when I read a story I always think up a way of how it could go wrong, but I don't have to with yours.
I love angst and you write it beautifully.

Please please please post an update soon.

p.s. sorry if I did mistake english is not my first languge.

[Artemis]

Eep It's becoming increasingly clear that Willow, while her life may seem more 'normal' on the surface, isn't without her share of self-inflicted wounds - and I wonder if perhaps they may be more problematic than Tara's tough road to the present? Sure, there's plenty of barriers to a successful relationship to go around, but Tara at least seems aware of hers, while there's a kind of habitual quality about Willow's lack-of-living (and drinking) that worries me.

Strange as it may seem, I was actually encouraged by Tara's thoughts and reactions to Willow when they spoke - even though it didn't exactly go well, the way Tara was aware of why Willow's presence scared/worried her suggests to me that it may not be as easy for her to decide to explore the possibility of a relationship as much as I'd feared. And that's good, because there's plenty else in the way, and I suspect there'll be plenty more before things start getting sorted out instead of made worse. For instance, this current situation, with Tara doing her sexy thing... so many ways this could mess them both up further.

[Emms]

yay watty! Excellent chapter! And yeah, what everyone else is saying; Tara seems more mature and waaaay more compassionate now, like the layer of ice that's been around her in previous updates has begun to melt a little.

Poor Willow with the drinking.... I worry for her.

I just cant wait to see what happens next, sweetie. I'm on the edge of my seat.

xoxo
Emms

[ringwaldoeuvre]

Dude, pass me that bottle, no, case of Talisker. For serious, people. I can't decide which look I like more: Stalker!Willow! or Junior!Executive!Willow! She really seems to have mastered a range of conditions from alcoholic to.. alcoholic that knows PowerPoint. Gosh, someone sign her up to work at the DMV! She'll fit right in. Primarily because people that work at the DMV have to refrain from punching smartass MBAs in the face.

Nice to get a little insight into Tara, just to know that she's not the stone-cold Elizabeth Berkley-wannabe that we've all been thinking she is. Then she gets all Elizabeth Berkley and dances up a storm. Just when you think she's a dancer, not a stripper, things get hot.

The girls are no closer than when they started, but maybe we'll get action, people. Seriously, I feel like I'm watching an original Star Trek episode. (Girl, you are done! No more SciFi channel for you! I don't care how good Battlectar Galactica is! - Joe R) There isn't any real violence, doors open all by themselves, and you get a very PG rated feeling from every scene. I think Tara should channel the James T. Kirk within, and get with Willow.

[sacinema]

Finally. The new chapter. What can I say? It was so worth the while. You literally made me speachless with the update and sure with the cliffhanger. So much stowed tension between those two. It has to burst out in one way or another in the next chapter and I so want to read that.

Just started to read the story from the beginning and I realized that I forgot a lot of the details. How different present Tara is from the shy 14 year old high school senior. And I just would like to remind Tara of this promise

"You think we'll ever not be friends anymore? Cos if we do, it'll just be too sad," Willow said whimsically one day.
"Of course not. Even if we fight over something, we'll always make up, won't we. Promise?" Tara replied,

Even if she made Willow promise the always-making-up-part, shouldn’t she stick to it, too? Maybe she will. At least it seems something between them is moving. Hopefully in a good way. Before this update I wanted to scream at Willow: Don’t let her go. And she didn’t. Brave move to go to the bar every night for three weeks. Tara can’t deny that Willow really sticks to her being interested in Tara – in which way ever. She doesn’t let Tara down. At the end of chapter 10 I thought Willow should do something drastic like crying or yelling to reach through to Tara. But the insistent silent way of her seemed to be just as good.

You really made me wonder what it really is that Tara is doing for a living – in the club and maybe outside the club. During the show it seemed more that she did some very erotic singing than dancing. She is not a stripper, it seems.

And this guy is so wrong. Willow has a lot more to offer than he will ever know and he will ever have to. Tara just has to get aware of it. It seems like it will be a hard job for Willow to make her remember that.

[watty]

Dianneswillowtree

at chanting. You're right, they are at a loss -- their lives, their emotions, everything seems to be beyond them which leads to the not knowing how to start. Thanks for your support!

~~~~~

tazraven

Part of me wants to defend Willow for the depression, drinking and self-pity. But there is a certain extent that she is letting herself (and Tara) down by letting herself get to taht point. Next part is both revealing and a little unexpected I think.

~~~~~

Tujeky

I like your analysis about their respective ways of dealing. Tara seems to be more mature, that she knows she's hiding. Willow on the other hand has been overly indulgent in herself. Let's see how / if they can move forward.

The dance is a great electric catalyst. Ironic how the distant relationship between performer and spectator can somehow bridge a gap between them.

I like this, thanks.

~~~~~

JujuDeRoussie

it's quite depressing.... but good

Strange as it may seem, I got really happy when you said my fic is depressing, cos you followed up with saying it's good. Thanks, Julia.

~~~~~

Debra

Brutal, yes. Depressing, definitely. Self-indulgent, you bet. Like you said

self-abusively determined

I haven't written what happened during the previous 3 weeks, but I'd say it was tough and not good for her ego, that she's no closer to reaching Tara.

I don't think that I'd spend that much energy on someone who so obviously has a life that doesn't involve me any more

Me neither. But Willow doesn't have much going in her life and in her mind (perhaps a little delusional) she can't give Tara up. Still.

You're right, Tara seems more mature and understanding. Have to admit not 100% intentional. Part of it is due to the 1.5 years' hiatus between the last chapter and this one. I am a different person, so it probably affected how I wrote her. Hope it doesn't come across as too unbelieving.

~~~~~

db

Yes Willow is being a little pathetic, allowing herself to wallow in her own depression. But then we haven't seen her in the last 6 years and how much of a life she has. There was a tiny hint in one of the earlier chapters about her drinking, but I didn't want to dwell on it too much.

You have every right to be angry at Tara. Ignoring Willow who has come to search for her for 3 weeks is rude.

I think the problem may be that Tara hasn't been honest with herself...

I mean, clearly she desires Willow, she just wishes she didn't.

I think you're spot on here. Tara needs to stop blaming Willow for her own feelings.

hot dancing Tara asking Willow to follow her?

My inner perv is breakdancing!

I'm reminded of old feedback from Chris that talked about

Tara dressed all sexy, doing the sexy dance... not an arousing thought at all

and I was afraid I'd be known as the writer who dresses Tara up in sexy outfits but takes all the sexiness out of the situation. I'm glad to have triggered your inner perv. No, Tara isn't pulling a power move, but the next part will be quite...interesting.

Thanks, pal. We had a nice time on St Patrick's Day. Beer drinking and shopping.

~~~~~

Karinna

Jesus Christ on a crutch

You're channeling someone, heehee.

Willow going there every night for the past 3 weeks, drinking every night...*thinks...and sighs*

Okay, you're thinking of all the alcohol she's been consuming and it makes you think, right?

Like I mentioned to Debra, part of the reason Tara seems more mature is probably because of the writing hiatus. Then again, we don't know what's been going through her mind, seeing Willow come to the club for the past 3 weeks. Got to have softened the most hardened hearts, right?

~~~~~

Chummy

Hi and thanks!

~~~~~

morningstar

there are the little things that are just left in there that makes me think like a mile a minuet, such as Tara's little alcholic comment.

Good pick up. I'm glad this is making you think.

~~~~~

will

Usually when I read a story I always think up a way of how it could go wrong, but I don't have to with yours.

Because things have already gone very wrong! I'm flattered that you like the angst, thank you!

~~~~~

Chris

Willow, while her life may seem more 'normal' on the surface, isn't without her share of self-inflicted wounds - and I wonder if perhaps they may be more problematic than Tara's tough road to the present?

*nods* While the gods of life haven't exactly dealt Tara a good hand, they've certainly presented Willow with life on a silver platter. The drinking and depression is too self-indulgent to be honest. She thinks she knows what she wants but is she? Your point about Tara's better self-awareness is astute. Like a couple of readers have mentioned, this Tara is more mature and know-what-she-wants than before. May be it's the 3 weeks observing Willow, may be it's a change in how I wrote her, I dunno. Things are looking a little better though.

~~~~~

Emms

Yeah, more mature Tara. May be it's the 3 weeks of avoiding Willow; may be it's a change in writing direction, I dunno. The ice is melting somewhat, and things will get better. Not 100%, because there are still issues, and I did promise angst, didn't I? Thanks my dear Emms.

~~~~~

ringwaldoeuvre

Willow is nowhere close to knowing what she wants. I like this:

alcoholic that knows PowerPoint

Darn tootin', she's an ace with that laser pointer. Seriously, she's taken the closet-drinking junior executive to an extreme, like she excels in everything. And it includes wallowing.

No, Tara isn't just a pole-dancer. There's more to her than that, at least in her mind. I'm being a little vague about the hotness and her job, because I don't want to portray her as a stripper-dancer. It's enough to know she's been working in such an environment.

The girls are no closer than when they started, but maybe we'll get action, people.

Heh, I'm not sure the next chapter qualifies as action, though there is some action ... only not in the action sense. eeek, I'm not making sense. Thanks for the snark, and thanks for making the time, I appreciate how busy you are. I firmly believe the Lamplight Reading Experience (coming in iMax soon!) is enhanced by your astute snarky recaps!

~~~~~

sacinema

So much stowed tension between those two. It has to burst out in one way or another in the next chapter and I so want to read that.

Thanks! I was afraid that readers will get bored with the previous 3 chapters because they've been pre-published. Thanks also for re-reading and picking up the small details and promises from when they were teenagers. Some of those will be re-visited later on, because what you say in the past always comes back to the present.

Before this update I wanted to scream at Willow: Don’t let her go. And she didn’t. Brave move to go to the bar every night for three weeks. Tara can’t deny that Willow really sticks to her being interested in Tara – in which way ever.

Interesting, and excellent, viewpoint. Debra said in her comment that she may not be able to spend all the energy on someone who's snubbed her. Kudos to Willow for sticking it out. We don't know what Tara has been thinking and feeling during the last 3 weeks, seeing Willow there every night. May be it's softened her a little? We'll see.

You really made me wonder what it really is that Tara is doing for a living – in the club and maybe outside the club. During the show it seemed more that she did some very erotic singing than dancing. She is not a stripper, it seems.

I'm being deliberately vague, because she has a multitude of roles in the club. It is important, the nature of her job, but in this story what she does exactly I don't want to explore too much. She's not a stripper because it's not a strip club -- more like an entertainment center with performing and employees keeping clients company.

Thanks for reading, next part coming up.

[br]

[watty]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watty (hiddenwatson[at]gmail[dot]com)
Distribution: Chris and Susan have pre-approval. Anyone else please ask for my permission first.
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialogue belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: This will be long and angsty. It also changes direction more than once. I had planned for it to go in a certain direction, I didn't know it would go that far. Sometimes, stories have a mind of their own.
Notes 2: Part of this chapter is a nod to a similar scene in Closer. Any resemblance to the dialogue and atmosphere portrayed therein is purely coincidental.


Part 12

The ambient sounds from outside dissipated as soon as the door clicked shut. The quick snap of the light switch cut into the charged atmosphere that had hummed between them since Tara silently led Willow deeper inside the bowels of the club. The overhead lights blinked, then settled into a dull red glow that permeated deep into the shadows of the room.

"Where are we?"

"In one of the private rooms."

"What's this room called?"

"The Garden of Eden."

"How many gardens of Eden are there?"

"Eight."

"Gardens are supposed to have flowers. I don't see any flowers."

"The customers don't come here to look at those types of flowers."

"Do you show them yours? Your, flower?"

"I'm not answering that."

Beat.

"Do I need to pay you?"

"No."

It was natural that Willow would sit at the soft curved couch in the center of the room, where one would expect the client to be sitting. Tara had automatically stood in front of her, as if on display, for Willow's inspection. She could see the appreciation in Willow's expression, and desperately wanted to believe that it was for the costume rather than her body. When Willow blinked and sat deeper into the couch, she finally relaxed enough to join Willow, finding a spot at the edge of the couch.

"I'm almost afraid to ask, what goes on in these rooms?"

"You remember what the show tonight is called?"

"Anything Goes."

"There's your answer."

"Have you — do you, do this often?"

"Do what?"

"Take a client to one of the gardens of Eden. Do you give them a taste of the forbidden fruit too?"

"Willow."

"I'm sorry, I keep prying. I just can't believe you—"

"We had this conversation three weeks ago. I didn't bring you here to rehash that."

"Then why am I here?"

"I want to tell you something. I don't need to justify myself to you, and god knows I've tried my best to forget it all. Yet I feel ... compelled. Seeing you again, you compel me."

"You don't need to justify anything, Tara."

"I haven't told this to anyone. One minute I was working in the law firm and then the next I was working for the mayor. He offered me a job, a future, a way out. I was so flattered. Only the job was in New York and I had to leave immediately."

"Not even time to say good-bye?"

"The only person I wanted to see was you, Willow. But do you remember how far apart we'd become? We were hardly on speaking terms."

"A note, a voicemail. Just to know you were safe."

"If I had to turn back time, I don't know if I'd do it any differently."

"Did you know what you were getting yourself into in New York?"

"Did I have a choice?"

"Yes! There are plenty of other jobs! You're smart, you didn't have to degrade yourself like this."

"When I left Sunnydale I had $73 in my pocket, a shoebox containing my Mom's things and a few photos. That was it. I had nothing to lose. Mr Wilkins and Faith, they took care of me."

"Is that what it's called it now, taking care?"

"This is what I am now. I'm not ashamed of who I am. I want for nothing, I am financially secure, I'm even taking a law degree on the side. You, on the other hand, can't seem to get past your prejudices. Why are you hanging around the club? What do you want from me?"

"Sometimes I ask myself the same question."

"Go home, Willow. Go back to your banker friends and penthouses on Park Avenue and dinner party talk of stock option gains. You don't belong here, you've never belonged to the underbelly of society that I live in."

"God, Tara. What happened to you?"

"Nothing! Haven't you heard a single word I've been saying? Nothing happened to me. I didn't fall into some godforsaken hole, I've always been in that hole!"

Tara was shouting, and she found herself panting with emotion and had moved within inches of Willow. The air around them crackled with anger, and bitterness, and a spark of something long forgotten. It would have been so easy to close the distance and crash their lips and tongues together in a brutal kiss that had everything to do with pent-up frustrations and nothing to do with passion. Tara knew Willow couldn't resist her. The tension was so raw they were both trembling.

Willow's hand reached out unsteadily, and her brief, electrifying touch on Tara's arm caused the blonde to jump back in shock. The moment passed.

"We're not allowed to touch."

"What do you mean, not allowed to touch?"

"The clients can watch, but they can't touch. It's the rules."

"I thought anything goes in this room, when did the rules change?"

"Rules change all the time."

"And are meant to be broken. So what would happen if I touched you now?"

"I'm supposed to push the button at the back of the couch, and security will come in and escort you off the premises with as little commotion as possible."

"Would you?"

"Would I what?"

"Trigger the pimp alarm if I touched you?"

"No."

Silence.

"There hasn't been anyone."

"Please, don't make this harder than it already is."

"Did you think I'd forget you just because you left? I mean, of course there were others. Casual others. But they were never you."

"I —"

"You were gone, in my mind you walked out on me. And guess what? I started wanting you. Desperately. I didn't understand it, wanting someone who wasn't even there, who told me she wanted nothing from me. I was so confused."

"I'm sorry."

"I know it's hard for you to understand, but I've been dead since you've been gone."

"I couldn't stay."

"Are you going to leave me again?"

"I have nothing to give you."

"Let me be the judge of that."

This time when Willow took Tara's hand, turned it over and softly trailed her fingertips on Tara's wrist, Tara didn't pull away. They sat in silence for heartbeats.

The energy shifted.

"I want to touch you. Feel you close around my fingers. Later."

"I'm not a whore."

"I won't be paying."

"Why are we having such a surreal conversation?"

"I don't know. Can I touch you? Later?"

"I don't know. Dance with me."

Tara pushed herself up and went to a control panel by the wall. A few keystrokes later light jazz washed over the room just as the lights dimmed to a more ambient hue. She turned around and regarded Willow expectantly. Willow thought she looked almost serene until she noticed Tara's hands shaking involuntarily. She stood up and took the two necessary steps that brought them within arm's length of each other.

They had not touched this way before. As teenagers they held hands constantly and had even slept in the same bed, but never before had their senses been so sensitive to the proximity of the other. They were a jumble of nerves until Willow reached out, hooked one arm around Tara's neck and relaxed into Tara. Tara hesitated once, then wrapped her arms around Willow's slim waist and pulled them together.

They hardly moved, content with gentle swaying against the quiet rhythm of the music. Eyes closed and skin humming with an oddly familiar closeness, they could almost feel their bodies, their thoughts, their heartbeats struggling to slot into place.

"Who are you, to hold my heart so?"

"I don't know."

The song stopped but another started; more soulful and melancholy than the previous one.

"Are you real?"

"Are you?"

"I don't know."

"Can I see you again?"

"Yes."

There were no windows in the room purporting to be a slice of heaven. It was an artificial, emotionally decrepit cavern where people came to forget. Or to seek temporary release from the demons they were fighting within and without. It was not a place to reconnect with one's lost true love, with so much still unspoken; yet it was precisely what they were trying to do.

"Remember our house with the big yard and cats and dogs and horses and fish, and big bedrooms and a big kitchen that will always have flowers and a fireplace in the living room where we can toast marshmallows?"

"That was a million years ago."

"What happened to us?"

There wasn't an answer to that. Sometime during the last six years, they each made their fortune. But in that process they had lost their souls.

*****
[br]

[tazraven]

Oh Yay! Dibs!

Wow watty. I think that was one of the best chapters I've read in a fic. You just, I dunno, made them so... I can't even think of the word. Your chapter has reduced my vocabulary. Good on ya It's not that it was sexy, per se, which at times it was. It was more like it made me feel uncomfortable, and voyeuristic, and hopeful, and depressed, and happy, all at the same time.

Their conversation took such a sharp turn part of the way through. Normally when tensions are released and they share a hard kiss, I find it difficult to believe. But if your characters had done that, I would have taken the scene in without my usual gran of salt. And then the dance.

Left me wanting, but at the same time, was such a big step for them. And then the way you wrote their dialogue. At times I could tell who ws speaking, but at others it didn't really matter. It could have been either one and the feelings would have still been the same.

I can only hope this dance will propel their relationship forwards and out of the gloomy past, and into a much brighter future. Bravo.

~Sara

[tarawhipped]

Wow, Watty. Surreal is right. Like Sara, there were moments when I couldn't tell who was speaking, and like a good little Virgo, I was irritated and had to read and reread and say "okay, that was obviously Tara so this must be..." until I realized that for a lot of the dialogue, it didn't matter, and it could be either, or both. And can I say Wow again? Surreal, and uncomfortable, and really damn well done.

I don't need to justify myself to you

I found it interesting that Tara says this, since it seems she feels just the opposite. By continuing on about how she had nothing, and was flattered by the Mayor's offer, etc., she's doing exactly that: justifying. And when Willow says:

You don't need to justify anything, Tara.

she's not being very honest with herself or fair to Tara, since her later comments about Tara degrading herself and her "what happened to you?" seem to pretty much scream "justify yourself!"

But then you ratchet the tone back down to an uncomfortable calm, and with the dancing, and the

Who are you, to hold my heart so?

which once again could be either of them speaking, and the losing of souls, and I'm not awake enough to verbalize how powerful this all is. Being a heathen, I'm sure I'm missing a lot of the finer points of the room being a (not the...hee!) Garden of Eden. Having gone against the "no touching" rule (forbidden fruit), they'll obviously have to leave (be ejected), even if they aren't kicked out by some burly bouncer (God). They'll have to figure out a way to deal with each other within the confines of messy, fucked up reality, and I can't wait to see what's next. Cheers!

-Cam

[Willowtree252]

secound dibs chanting , chanting, chanting chanting

[Emms]

watty.... wow....

I'll be back. I promise.

[Chummy]

That was amazing well writen and its breth taking I love it I Love the way Will keep wanting Tara and didn't want to let her go, I also love the way that Tara was pushing Will away. I can't wait to see what will happened to Willow if she get Tara. Will Tara's Boss will get mad and would he heart willow. can't wait to see what will happened next. keep the good job and plz update soon

[cantbefredless]

Wow!... just Wow!

[db]

Watty.

That was beautiful. ...and heart wrenching and painful and touching (and just a leeetle bit sexy).

I can't imagine how painful it must be for both of them.

For Willow to sit there, in the place of Tara's 'client'...It must be incredibly painful to want Tara so desperately and to know in that Tara left her without a goodbye for... this. I mean. OK. I have read (some of) the feminist commentary on sex work from both sides of the aisle... but I just can't see a way for it not to be degrading... at least *sometimes* (and not in a wholesome subservient sort of burgers-and-fries sort of way either).

I totally get how Willow would feel confused, betrayed, and maybe a little... I dunno, ashamed of Tara or pity or something. It was unclear... But Willow's questions were harsh. It must be hard for Tara to hear them. I am sure she (Tara) has reconciled herself to the realities of her job by this point, but hearing that from her first love -- it must have been hard.

It was very powerful the way you positioned them... both fallen in their own way from the Garden of Eden and reconnecting in the bowels of a dance/strip club Willow literally in the seat of the patron; Tara assuming her role as the dancer... and when Willow asked about paying. Gulp. Well it was the *first* time my throat got tight... but not the last for the chapter.

I am so relieved and glad that Tara felt compelled to justify. I know that Willow said she didn't have to and Tara said she didn't need to... and Tara *doesn't* owe Willow justification for the job she holds -- she owes her for leaving her the way she did.

Thank you. This one paragraph made Tara human for me again:

"I want to tell you something. I don't need to justify myself to you, and god knows I've tried my best to forget it all. Yet I feel ... compelled. Seeing you again, you compel me."

Oh man, and when Tara tells Willow off -- makes it perfectly clear that she really felt she had no choice about leaving I finally *got* how she ended up where she is. She and Willow had grown so far apart... and Tara had *nothing*. I know, slow on the uptake, but it was kinda confusing to me.

I am not altogether convinced that Tara has no shame about what she does though -- why else would she hide from Willow all this time?

At the same time, she's right. Willow does have prejudices, and considering what she does for a living, and how things were with them when Tara left... it seems more than fair for Tara to wonder what Willow wants from her.

Which brings me to the part that made my little heart break.

When Tara tells Willow to go back to her privileged life and that she (Tara) belongs to a different part of society (the underbelly... i.e. the bowels).

I didn't fall into some godforsaken hole, I've always been in that hole!"

*gulp*

now that's shame.

Willow has never been able to understand where Tara has been coming from. She lives a very sheltered life in her own way... I just hope that Willow was able to hear what Tara was saying.

So. They share this moment... again. At least it seemed to me like this replay of their moment at the prom only in adult form ... where there's this undeniable attraction and confusion and then they aren't allowed to touch.

BUT!!! Willow does the unthinkable. I am so glad that Willow confesses her hurt to Tara.

Tara said her bit about choices and where she is coming from and Willow's position of privilege and prejudice... but Tara needed to hear this. Not just for Willow, I think. I think she needs to know that her existence holds sway in the universe, that she was really missed that she *matters*.


So. There's an acknowledgement of... something, I think. At least, there seems to be. Hidden somewhere in the brevity.

The image of composed Tara... with her shaking hands waiting to Dance with Willow (who she has never thought she was 'good enough' for). Wow. Just Wow Watty... I have a feeling that Tara felt, I dunno, not-in-control is going to cause a bit of a backlash. I can't imagine that after closing yourself off so fully and walking away from everything... well, it can't feel comfortable for Tara to be in this position after so long. I am thinking she is going to find it... disconcerting.

The dance was sad and lovely.

I didn't know how you were going to be able to bridge this huge divide between them... but you did, in the bowels of society, in an 'anything goes' sex room, you brought them back into the present with each other.

I suspect there is a long way to go (plus, you like angst)... but, just for this moment they are back in the same room together.

...and for the record, I had no problem telling who said who.,. for whatever reason it just seemed very clear to me.

So I am going to end my commentary with a few quotes:

"Who are you, to hold my heart so?"

&

It was not a place to reconnect with one's lost true love, with so much still unspoken; yet it was precisely what they were trying to do.

&

"Remember our house with the big yard and cats and dogs and horses and fish, and big bedrooms and a big kitchen that will always have flowers and a fireplace in the living room where we can toast marshmallows?"

*sigh*

You took these few lines and summed it all up: the bright shiny hope of their childhood, the yearning their hearts cling to and the distant, practically impossible task of trying to reconnect with your lost true love... years later in the most unlikely place.

Yep. You are a master.

Lovin' it (still)

db

[JustSkipIt]

Watty - It's hard to express how totally blown away I am by this update. Surreal is right and it's downright surreal to read the difference in your writing between the first 6? chapters and the rest of this story. Somewhere in there your writing became an entirely new thing. This chapter is (not to sound condescending at all I hope) the best writing I've ever seen from you.

You seem to be economizing yet expressing so much here. The update is sensual and fluid, much like a dream, but there are almost no descriptions. The interplay between the girls is amazing and at times it's hard to tell who is speaking. Then it becomes obvious but it seems as if they have switched places. Both seem simultaneously vulnerable and tough, sensual and childlike. I love the honestly with which they are speaking and the way that they've agreed to speak truth no matter the question without actually agreeing to that. The interchange about the button is ...

Willow's hand reached out unsteadily, and her brief, electrifying touch on Tara's arm caused the blonde to jump back in shock. The moment passed.

"We're not allowed to touch."

"What do you mean, not allowed to touch?"

"The clients can watch, but they can't touch. It's the rules."

"I thought anything goes in this room, when did the rules change?"

"Rules change all the time."

"And are meant to be broken. So what would happen if I touched you now?"

"I'm supposed to push the button at the back of the couch, and security will come in and escort you off the premises with as little commotion as possible."

"Would you?"

"Would I what?"

"Trigger the pimp alarm if I touched you?"

"No."

just amazing and so so so well done. It's as if their communication is stripped to only 100% of everything that matters at all for them. My favorite bit:

This time when Willow took Tara's hand, turned it over and softly trailed her fingertips on Tara's wrist, Tara didn't pull away. They sat in silence for heartbeats.

The energy shifted.

"I want to touch you. Feel you close around my fingers. Later."

"I'm not a whore."

"I won't be paying."

"Why are we having such a surreal conversation?"

"I don't know. Can I touch you? Later?"

"I don't know. Dance with me."

That is just so amazing. It's strange because Willow so clearly crossed a line into a totally different conversation and in most situations it would be so inappropriate but here it's just so beautiful and direct.

I feel lost for words in my praise of the beauty and poinance of this update. I have hope for the remainder but I know you're promising angst so I brace myself.

I wish we had that clapping emoticon any more.

[Tujeky]

Wow.

This is fucking incredible.

I want so badly to feel as though they've made a breakthrough, but I can't. There's so much anger, and just, emotion, between them. But there is also this incredible distance. Still. It's flourished in all the years they've been apart, but in a way it stemmed from when they were together.

I think Willow wants to just pick up where they left off. As she says herself and is so evident, she hasn't really moved on. But her resentment of the room they're in and the implication of their roles within it, is so palpable. I'm not sure if she really has a problem with what Tara does, or if she's upset that it doesn't fit into her years-ago view of who Tara is. It's gut wrenching.

And Tara. All strong and justified, with all this sadness and shame underneath.

To me, this sums them both up so well, that I couldn't not quote it:


[blockquote]"Are you going to leave me again?"

"I have nothing to give you."[/blockquote]

Thanks