by Ben Varkentine » Sun Jan 28, 2007 2:58 pm
That was a piece of shit. I have a new rule that I think I just made up. Any movie that starts with "A John X Film," when you've never heard of John X, is going to be a piece of shit.
Even simple editoral matchup seemed to be beyond this movie. In the scene where Amber has a knife to the princes throat in the tent, I swear the position of her hair changes about three times.
And a few words about costuming. Okay, I can accept that Amber's character invented the off-the-shoulder tunic look centuries before the filming of "Flashdance" began.
(I can accept that, because frankly, I like Amber's shoulder and anything that exposes it to camera is ok by me.)
However, about the porno witches, I had no idea fake red leather had been invented in the middle ages.
Re acting, okay, I admit I'm biased, but Amber did seem to be trying harder than most of the rest of the cast. But even she looked like she'd lost her heart for it a couple of times.
I can't blame her. There's only so much you can do with a script that asks you to deliver lines like "Let us return them to the hell from whence they came!" with a straight face.
However, all is not lost. Should you wish to watch this movie again, I have come up with a way to make it bearable. I give you: The Gryphon drinking game.
It works like this. Every time they rip-off The Lord of the Rings, you take a sip.
Every time a character delivers a line that is nothing but exposition, you take a shot. You know, the kind of dialogue that makes you expect the characters to turn towards camera and say "Everybody got that?"
Every time the exposition is something they've already established more than three times (like did we mention the prince has the sight?) you take a big swig.
Every time a character speaks to another and identifies his-or-relationship to them in the dialogue, like this-
"The hordes are coming, father!"
"Go now, daughter, and be swift!'
"Look, my leige!"
"I will have my vengence on you, sorceror!"
"Do not worry, my friend."
--and so on, you chug.
You should start to see the room spinning within 10 minutes.
Enjoy!
Ben
House: "Another life saved by girl-on-girl action."