Part 68 is below Kittens. I have warned - without being too specific - in the posts above. I have warned at the head of the text. Above all place this in context.
Katharyn
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Title:
The Sidestep Chronicle – Fate (Part 68)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome.
katharynrosser@hotmail.comSpoiler Warning: Pretty limited. The story occurs in an alternate universe though reference is made to events that occur in both realities.
Summary: A moment that changes everything. Everything.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: 15 – Caution.
Couples: VW/T
Notes: This is another part to take care with. It is hard to warn about it without spoiling it. Something happens to one of the major characters. Something bad. That is all I will say. I am… needless to say… VERY nervous about this. You will see why. This is not a whim. This is not because I can… This was always going to happen and I am sorry about that for anyone that it bothers in any way.
Thanks To: The people who saw this in advance… not the least the wonderful Jo who beta’d it for me. Without them… we might have had this.
The Sidestep Chronicle
Fate
By
Katharyn Rosser
“You warned them that we were coming!” The shout echoed through Tara’s mind for much longer than the words had lingered in the air. She had been expecting something like this for a little while now, and definitely since she had got back from the abortive raid on the nest.
After what had happened to them this night why should she have been surprised that it was actually coming to her now? No reason at all to believe it wouldn’t happen. All she had could wonder about was where it would end.
She was in love with a vampire… how could this end anyway but badly?
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Faith had fled the scene of the attempted ambush chased by another burst of fire from that damn flame-thrower. Yeah her and the word fled in the same thought. Shit. And flame-throwers strapped to vampires. What next? Low calorie blood?
Fire was not her friend. She’d been accidentally caught by the lit end of her mothers cigarettes often enough as a child to know the pain of burning. Did she have any intention of going down like
that? Crispy? Oh no. They had been out-matched and it had been time to go, there was no fighting that which could consume her.
She hadn’t waited for Tara after that. She hadn’t doubled back to see if her friend had got out okay. She had seen the bubble that had protected the witch. Tara had that protection. She didn’t so she had to be more careful than Tara. It was more magic. If Tara could do all these things, save herself from fire now too, then maybe Giles was right… if she was out of control then she would be a danger to everyone. The control had never seemed to be a problem before for Tara.
But now… things had suddenly got
very out of control.
What the hell had happened? Well that was simple enough. They had been ambushed and she had been very, very careful… so that she could make this a fair test. So that meant.. that had to mean that… Giles was right. He had to be right. They had been caught in a trap and, perhaps through carelessness, they had allowed it to be sprung on them. Maybe, in part, that was their fault. Hers and Tara’s. Maybe they had fucked up, got overconfident. But that didn’t explain the ambush. Vampires didn’t all skulk in rooms waiting for Slayers to turn up and attack their friends just so that they could surprise them.
Vampires didn’t, as a rule, get into using flame-throwers for some very obvious reasons. They wouldn’t even have kept them around. The closest vampires got to stuff that was highly incendiary was when you torched them or when they were filling a car up with gas… and some of them did that if they didn’t steal a new one.
Fire and vampires didn’t mix. Ever. They went out of their way to avoid it. They’d not had those weapon there by chance. Faith knew how hard it was to get a flame-thrower – she’d asked Giles to look into it for her once. And now she had seen just how effective they could be. That was something you had to know.
This had been planned. They hadn’t just blundered into this ambush. They had been the intended victims. No one else was going to be hunting the vampires in Sunnydale, even now that it was easier than it had been. Just them. And vampires were not known for being defensive.
They had known that she and Tara were coming and that meant that someone had told them about it.
Now who could that have been?
Someone had told them they were coming but no one had known. Not even Giles had known about this one. That had sort of been the point. Since he had given her the Council’s orders regarding Tara – and that damned knife - she had been… a little distant from him. Jenny had noticed that, tried to bridge the gap between them, but she hadn’t been able to let him get close and keep reminding her what she needed to do.
He hadn’t been wrong though had he?
He had been right.
The raid… it had been her own, final, test of Tara and how far she could trust her. When she had found out that Willow knew the place that was their target it had become Tara’s last chance. It had to be. She hated that she even needed to plan such a test. Tara was her friend and she’d had few enough of those in her life. She supposed Tara was, Jenny not withstanding, her best friend in the world. It was an easy position to fill given the lack of would-be friends beating down her door. And she had tried testing her friend, never quite believing that she really needed to. Not wanting to believe it. But she had seen Willow at that new nest and that meant there was a chance that she would be there again when they attacked.
If she absolutely
had to test Tara then it was an ideal situation to do so.
Whether or not Tara
knew of the vampire’s activities when they were apart, she did know that her friend had warned Willow about the last big raid that they had carried out. The one against the Master. That time it had turned out that the vampire could help them in some way, a vital way even, but Tara had wanted Willow to stay away from there altogether.
Tara cared for her and that made things more complicated.
It appeared that Willow
had stayed away. But not just that. If it had just been that then Faith would have ‘accepted’ the vampire was under some sort of control by Tara. Not an immediate threat. That was not something that Tara had ever claimed - that she had any control over her lover – but she had implied that Willow listened to her sometimes. Took her advice.
If that had turned out to be the case, Faith
could have left Willow to it – as long as there were other vampires to kill. Just like Tara letting Willow eat to survive. If that was all that she was doing. She wouldn’t have liked it but she could have left Tara to deal with it. One day there would have been a clash between them – her and Willow or her and Tara
over Willow. But she could have left it until then. There were always other vampires and Tara was helping her with those.
But they had been ambushed and no one but them had known what they had planned. No one but she and Tara. And Willow. She
knew that Tara had told Willow. Even if Willow had not intended Tara for to be hurt, she knew that the vampire wanted to kill her. The Slayer – which would be all she saw. The Slayer. That might have been reason enough to warn her bloodsucking buddies and get them to set up an ambush. That theory sort of assumed that Willow actually gave a flying frig about Tara in any way beyond ‘not biting’ her. Even that assumption was disturbing enough to Faith.
The whole thing was just fucked up. A vampire hunter in love with a vampire. Christ, what if she’d found herself a nice vampire to shack up with? Giles would go crazy in a big way. Only the Slayer could have been a more unexpected candidate for those fuzzy feelings than Tara. Not that it was ever going to happen - Faith liked her flesh warm and pumping.
Tara not so evidently. It was one, interesting, thing to be on the girls’ team… it was absolutely another to be on the dead girls’ team. Twisted even.
She had stopped running pretty much as soon as she had rounded corner of that street. Strong or not the flamethrower would weigh enough to make that vampire way slower than she was. Later for those vampires. She would be back for them… but she had another duty to perform… or at least to test to breaking point. When she had got back to Giles’ and Jenny’s place they had been in bed. Faith had known that but she hadn’t been as quiet as she would have usually tried to be.
He accused her of not even trying sometimes. But she really did. This time… no.
Maybe, she thought as she kicked Tara’s door in,
I wanted them to speak to them. I wanted them to get up. To tell me that I didn’t have to do this. That I shouldn’t do it. Jenny would have told her that. If she had known… but how could Faith tell her only other confidante that her fiancé had ordered her to kill their mutual friend.
Oh, but Jenny there is this sacred knife which makes it alright.Bullshit.
Jenny might have actually said ‘bullshit’ to that argument.
The knife made absolutely no difference at all. Knowing that, she had to wonder why the hell she had gone back there to fetch it at all. Perhaps because there was no way that she could do what she might have to do with her bare hands. And then, again, she had to go back if she wanted them to stop her.
But Jenny had no idea… and how could Faith tell her this? Not only because of Giles himself, but because now Faith was actually prepared to do it. She was willing, if she had to, to do what she had been avoiding ever since she had found out. Unless Tara could make her see all of this some other way. All she had to do was deny it. Even if Tara lied… Faith didn’t care much. All the witch had to do was deny it. Offer her some other explanation for almost getting them killed. Then it would be okay. Then she would leave and think of what to do later.
Even if Faith didn’t believe what it was that Tara told her she would leave. She would defend Tara to Giles and the Council could go screw themselves. There was only one Slayer…
Giles had been up almost as soon as she had entered the apartment. He tended to do that, get up to make sure that she was okay or that there was nothing that he, as her Watcher, should know immediately. Besides, sometimes when he went to work and she stayed in bed in the morning, their paths didn’t cross.
All he had to know this time was that she was there for the knife. That told him everything he needed to know. She wasn’t going to say anything else. She wasn’t going to say ‘Looks like you were right, sorry I didn’t listen to you before.’ He might have ordered this for his damn Council – but they were done with the Council now. Just as soon as this was over. He knew that and he had never challenged it. Faith was trying hard not to end up done with him too. So she had just gone for the knife in his bureau drawer.
He had made a point of making sure she knew where the knife was. Just in case. Had he known that this day might come?
Whatever he had known, when she had gone for the knife he had just stood there, looking down on her from the landing above, seeing what she was doing. He must have guessed that something had happened. He was wrong though if he had thought that she was just going to come here to Tara’s place and do the thing.
Faith still had to give Tara her chance.
One more chance. She was always giving Tara another chance.
Faith had reached the door by the time Jenny had joined Giles on the landing. She had actually stopped when the teacher had, rather blearily, called out her name. Paused with the knife in her hand. But she hadn’t turned around. She hadn’t stopped for more than that one brief moment. If she ever stopped how was she going to be able to do it at all?
How the hell could she look at Jenny now? Just considering this was bad enough.
Or after?
It was that simple. She didn’t want to do this. All Tara had to do was give her a reason. Fight her even. Faith would admit to losing… let Tara win. Something… something that would be a reason to stop. Not to do this. Not to have to go back to Jenny, who had been asking Giles where Faith had been going with that knife when she was leaving the apartment, and tell her that Tara was dead.
That I killed her.She didn’t want that at all. All it would take was a denial. A reason. Hell even an admission and some sort of explanation from Tara. Anything would do. Anything would be enough.
Almost anything.
The strangest thing was that, as she stormed into Tara’s apartment, shattering the lock and leaving the door swinging on its hinges, she had the feeling that what she wanted most of all wasn't going to happen. There was something about Tara recently… maybe it had always been there… but definitely more so since her birthday. It was like a cloud of sadness or some poetic shit like that. Faith wasn’t one for poetry but that was how it struck her. That was how it felt to her. There she was feeling again.
Under that cloud she thought – she feared – that Tara wasn’t going to do a damn thing. No reason. No explanation. No fight.
Faith was terrified that Tara would force her to make this choice on her own and as angry as she felt right now, that was not a good thing. But there was no way that she could stop, not after all that Tara had done. Or rather what she had risked. What her friend had shown she was willing to risk.
All that we let her do when we should have known better.They had allowed Tara to become a danger… with everything that they knew, and all that they had feared, they had still allowed it to happen.
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Tara could feel the whirlwind coming for her. Faith. She almost wanted to smile as the Slayer forced her way into the apartment. But it would have been a sad smile if she had managed it at all. Someone had finally realised? Finally objected to what she had been doing? This had to be… it had to be about the fact that they had been ambushed, but that really didn’t matter… because at the core it was about one thing.
The one thing. Willow.
Willow was at the core of pretty much everything in her life. One way or another. Maybe more than her life one day. Maybe one day death too.
Maybe it was time. Maybe this was what she needed, to have the decision taken away from her… because she hadn’t been able to make it for herself. That was a lie.
No point in lying to yourself Tara. She had made the choice a long time ago. It was just that she couldn’t do anything about it now. Nothing at all.
She had even, from time to time, wanted to try. Try and do something. But she couldn’t. It was Willow.
Perhaps she had always wanted this. Perhaps she had always wanted someone to stop her. Perhaps that was what she needed? Was that why she had never really tried to hide Willow from them? Or at least the relationship? Was that why she had let Lilah see it or rather hear it? She had kept Willow and Lilah apart only to protect
Lilah never the secret. She had never hidden her lover.
She
had been hoping for condemnation, or persuasion from the lawyer. She had wanted to be told that it was the wrong thing – her and Willow. She already knew that it was, but on another level it felt so right. A deeper level. Deeper than human and vampire. A level that reflected who Willow was, who she had been, who she should have been.
She supposed that might have been the fate to which Wolfram and Hart had referred. That fate might be the thing that pulled she and Willow together. The thing that should have made her happy. The thing that was destroying her – and hundreds, thousands of other. And now it had nearly destroyed Faith.
Killed her friend.
She should have left after the Master had been destroyed. She really should have been out of Sunnydale. There had been nothing left for her here but Willow. She could even have taken Willow with her…
Maybe. If Willow would have gone.
What had set Faith off right now she couldn’t be sure.
But she
was sure that she deserved it. She deserved everyone’s anger. Everyone’s rage. Maybe she deserved everyone’s pity too.
It was something, from Faith’s shout, about warning them. She hadn’t, she really hadn’t. She’d just told Willow… to keep her away, to keep her out of the way. And safe from Faith.
She had told though… if ‘them’ meant vampires then it was true. She had told Willow and she couldn’t… really… be sure what Willow had done with that information.
She looked up from where she sat on the edge of the bed. The bedroom door was open and she could see Faith coming for her, like the vengeance of a thousand people. The wards she had in place made no difference to the very human Slayer. That was good… she wouldn’t have wanted this to be difficult for Faith.
She didn’t move.
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The clatter of the door was vaguely satisfying. Not satisfying enough to dissipate the anger that Faith was still feeling at Tara for bringing it to this. Anger that was tinged with… lots of other stuff. Or other stuff that was tinged with anger maybe. Who the hell knew? It wasn’t even the ambush that bothered her really… that sort of thing was bound to happen sometime. It was the fact that Tara had caused it through her choices. Choices that she had never discussed with Faith, even knowing how they might affect her.
Faith was angry that she had risked them both to protect a blood sucker.
Breaking the door down didn’t stop the rage but it took a tiny but of the edge off. Good thing too.
Her ‘comrade’ was sat on the edge of her bed, clearly visible straight through the apartment and the open bedroom door. Could she have been any further away in there? And every step seemed to take Faith no closer to her. It was like a tunnel, elongating even as she moved forwards. She never seemed to get any closer to Tara… nor to knowing why Tara might have done this. Hearing it.
They were friends and still Tara had done it. Love, Faith supposed, might have something to do with it. But Tara, of all people, should have known better. She might think that she loved that vampire, maybe she truly did, but tonight, the nest – the vampire slaying – that was what they did, who they were. Faith knew about priorities. She knew what hers were.
And what Tara’s should have been.
Perhaps one of Giles’s lectures about emotional attachments would have served Tara well. Those chats had never done anything for Faith – at least romantically – and she knew she would never quite be able to bring herself to regret being Tara’s friend.
No matter how this went in the next few minutes.
What had she shouted just a few seconds ago? It was hard to remember, everything was like a blur now. ‘You warned them we were coming?’ Perhaps that had been a little harsh… but it was, essentially, true – even if Tara had only told that bloodsucking bitch of hers.
Faith had seen this moment coming since she had been told by Giles that it had to happen… but it had never been quite like this in her mind’s eye. She had never dreamed that this would be the reason that it had to happen. It had been easier to pretend that the moment might never come, because she couldn’t have imagined something like this. But Tara had made it happen.
It was Tara’s own fault.
No, they were all to blame. They should have done something about this as soon as they had found out. It should have been stopped. They needn’t have hurt Tara as the Council had wanted – they could have hurt Willow. Perhaps that was still a solution? Getting rid of the vampire instead? Get rid of Willow and then…
Then there would still be a reason for this. Tara would still be working for the Mayor. That wouldn’t have changed. He wouldn’t have changed. Tara would still be tight with those hell-serving lawyers.
The Council would still want Tara dead just for that – and they would send someone else to do it. Someone who wouldn’t stop and say that they were going to. Someone that would just do it. The way out, the only way, was for Tara to give her something. A denial, a reason… anything that she could work with. Anything that she could take to Giles and get him to take to the Council. Giles could persuade them, but Tara had to persuade her. Even if it was not convincing – Tara had to do that at least. Show a sign…
She was, despite the tunnel like effect, getting closer to Tara now and suddenly she was there at the open bedroom door. A bedroom that had seen a lot of action. Human on vampire action… or vice versa. Where once Faith had been curious and joking about that thing, now she didn’t want to know. Tara falling for a vampire had nearly got her killed. It was no joking matter.
It had nearly got both of them killed. That was why she could not believe that it was deliberate on Tara’s part – that she had known – but it had still happened. Intention was only one part of it. It would happen again. Willow could have killed Faith that morning in the Bronze. Would have done. Willow wanted her dead – and one day she might make it happen. The vampire had time on her side.
But Tara, Faith knew, was not going to be able to let
anything happen to Willow.
Nothing that Faith could do…
The witch had not reacted to her intrusion other than to look up from the floor. No answer to her shout, no concern for the ruined door; no explanation asked or expected. It made her look guilty. She had just looked up and that was it. Didn’t she care at all? Wasn’t she worried?
Maybe not.
That was the other side of the problem. There had, for a long time now, been something wrong with Tara. Maybe for as long as Faith had known her. But it was just
more now. A sadness. A dissatisfaction. A despair. Faith might not have been emotional girl – but she didn’t have to be to see that. Oh no, not for that, it was clear as day.
Tara really just didn’t care sometimes. A lot of the time probably. She cared about other people. About Faith, about Jenny. About this Willow. But she didn’t care about herself. It was like she was carrying something around inside her. And maybe, now, Faith understood what it was.
Tara, she thought, wasn’t happy with what she was… and that was all Faith needed. If Tara wanted something else then she just had to say and Faith could help her. Giles would and Jenny too. Screw the Council, Tara just had to say that. Then they would be taking practical steps to help her. Even if step one was dealing with Willow.
But if Tara didn’t say anything, didn’t ask, then Faith really was going to have to do this.
Because she was still mad as hell. She had to hear it from Tara; otherwise she was going to do it. She was going to have to do it. She was going to have to… do this to Tara if her friend didn’t give her one, solitary, reason not to.
But still Tara didn’t react. Even when she couldn’t possibly avoid seeing how mad Faith was… there was nothing from her. Not a move, not a spell. Not a goddamn thing until finally, and it seemed an age rather than seconds since Faith’s shouted accusation, Tara spoke.
Here it came, Faith thought. Come on Tara. Please… Say the words.------------------
“N-No… Faith. I didn’t. I didn’t warn them,” Tara eventually protested. She’d just watched as Faith had stormed through the apartment, coming right into the bedroom to confront her. The Slayer wasn’t a tall woman, but she seemed very big now. Towering over her as Tara sat there on the bed. A bed she had sort of hoped Willow might be in when she got back…
A part of her had hoped for that.
Now she was just so glad that the territorial Willow was well away from her, and more especially from Faith, that she couldn’t be bothered by her absence. Willow and Faith… badness there.
Her denial though… not exactly true now was it? Tara could tell from Faith’s expression that her own face told the truth. She’d used to be so good at hiding things. Growing up with Donny she’d had to be. She’d had to keep her secrets. That had been good when she’d had to protect the secret that had never been real. Her heritage.
She had been inscrutable once. But now she was very definitely scrutable. And the accusation? Only the two of them fad known. Not Giles, not the Mayor. Just them. Faith wouldn’t be doing this if she was not already sure. Faith knew that she had not told anyone else and that just left Tara.
So it might not strictly be true but…
She had almost got them killed. She had to admit it.
As for her own death, she cared only about the effect it would have on Willow, on her friend Jenny and yes on Faith herself. But it wasn’t just about her. It was about Faith too. She had almost got Faith killed.
Something had gone wrong. Badly wrong. And the only element outside of their control was Willow. It was the only explanation that made any sense at all. They
had been ambushed by some very prepared vampires – vampires who had known that they were coming.
“I know you did it Tar,” Faith told her. “I know you warned that Rosenberg blood sucking bitch off because you’ve done it before. I guess you always do right?” Tara could only nod. She had no other choice. It was the truth. She loved Willow… a part of Willow… and imperfect as that part might be she wanted the vampire to stay safe.
Safe from Faith.
The Slayer.
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“Only this time, she obviously told all her vamp pals.” Faith felt like screaming at Tara; shaking her until she confessed it all and didn’t just sit there nodding. She wanted Tara to tell her that she knew what she had done. That she was sorry. That it wouldn’t happen again. That she wanted a way out.
Either that or she wanted her to fight back.
Instead Tara just looked so pathetic. Not at all the powerhouse she had seemed to be when Faith had first met her, when Tara had saved her life. Not like when they had worked together to kill vampires – the Master even. Tara had seemed like the First Lady of the City then. She hadn’t looked any different. She hadn’t dressed any different. But she had been different.
Now she just looked very small. Very vulnerable.
The words had fed Faith’s anger. Venting like that she knew that she was getting more and more into the rage. Worked up. But seeing Tara’s response she was torn between the anger and a desire to be sitting on the bed beside her, hugging her. She couldn’t though because however pathetic Tara looked… she also looked guilty. Tara knew that she was.
Faith knew that she was.
They both knew it.
Tara was guilty and vulnerable.
Vulnerable to me, Faith thought.
And what I’m supposed to do.“Bad enough Tar, if they had just escaped and left the place empty. Gone off to kill people someplace else, but we nearly got our asses kicked – dead like. You could have got us killed Tar!”
And seeing at the shudder rip through the other woman Faith knew that her words were unnecessary. Tara knew that. Tara felt that.
Tara knew it all already.
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Tara still didn’t try to argue with the Slayer. She could see her, sense her, getting more and more worked up. By the end of her rant, Faith was waving a fist in her face that she knew could have knocked her head clean off. There was no point in annoying her friend anymore with obvious lies. It hadn’t really been intended as a lie… perhaps it wasn’t one. But there was every chance that it was.
Whatever Faith had to do, she would do. She couldn’t stand in the way of that fate. She had pursued justice herself for so long that she couldn’t deny it to anyone else. No matter the cost. What the Slayer knew she knew.
What the Slayer had to do she had to do.
Whatever it was.
That was just the way it was. There was no denying the evidence. Even to herself. Even though she didn’t really believe that Willow would have told any other vampires. The only vampire to whom Willow had ever felt any loyalty was already long gone.
Now, Tara knew… or at least told herself,
there is only me for her.Which might very well be the problem.
But there was no point in trying to explain that to Faith. She wouldn’t understand it. Dreams and dreams of love were not big motivating factors for Faith. She was the very definition of the here and now. Someone else’s dreams and love… those would get even less sympathy and understanding from the Slayer.
Even dreams that were coming true around her.
Even dreams about this very moment. Was this the dream or was it the reality? Perhaps, either way, it was a nightmare. Sometimes it was so hard to tell dreams and nightmares apart until, shaking, she awoke beside someone cold. The dreams always featured the creature who rested beside her in that bed.
Dreams and nightmares. With Willow they were often one and the same.
She had been so afraid of the dreams that had showed her Willow being staked by Faith that she had always felt she had to tell the vampire not to be in the places where she knew Faith would be. But was that a dream or a nightmare? Either might have got them, she and Faith, killed tonight.
Not deliberately. She hadn’t meant it… and if Willow had wanted to set a trap then her vampire would have been there to enjoy it first hand. Willow wouldn’t let anyone else have her fun – especially not where Faith was concerned. Tara knew all about Willow’s ‘fun.’ So it hadn’t been Willow’s intention to see them ambushed. And if that was so, how had it happened?
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“But that doesn’t bother you does it?” Faith continued observing her friend’s face with increasing concern. It remained virtually unchanged.
Come on Tara… god… just react. Tell me, fight me. Anything but this. Please just do
something.Tara still didn’t react and that just angered Faith even more. “You don’t care if you die… and you know what? That sort of makes things better,” Faith lied to the other woman. “If you don’t care if you live or die then you are absolutely the worst person for me to be around.” Who’d said that she couldn’t have been an actress?
Faith had virtually threatened Tara with death. It wasn’t an idle threat either. And yet there was still no reaction from her friend. “Because I might be the Slayer, with the natural life expectancy of a geriatric gerbil, but I intend to stay alive Tar. I like life just fine. You…” Faith shook her head.
Tara looked up at her finally, waiting for her to complete the sentence, but she still said nothing. She didn’t ask for anything. Not even with her eyes. The eyes were the worst thing. They were deep and they were sad… but other than that they were almost lifeless.
“You,” Faith continued, “Are almost dead Tar, don’t you see that? Can’t you see it when you look in the mirror?” Looking at Tara now Faith couldn’t believe that she hadn’t seen the extent of it before. She was angry with herself for not spotting it and she knew that she was taking that anger out on Tara. She knew it, she didn’t care. Right now she needed a reaction from Tara. Any reaction would do because if Tara was already dead inside… then that made what she’d been ordered to do far easier. Faith didn’t want it easier.
It had to be hard to stop her from doing it. Tara had to make it hard.
“All that bullshit about how you hate vampires…” Faith deliberately started to press buttons, needing something from her friend. “… and you warned them off. You warned the frigging vampires Tar!” That, at least, wasn’t in dispute.
Faith wasn’t quite sure that she got that whole part of it though. How that had happened. Why…? Okay so there was Willow, but couldn’t Tara have just told the vampire to stay in? Maybe Willow didn’t listen to her. The ‘why’ had been just one of the questions boiling inside her head as she had left the ambush, gone back to Giles’s and then set off to come here. By the time she’d kicked the door in, the question had reached the point of obsession.
The only thing that she could come up with, the only thing that helped her orders make any sense either, was that the vampire was more important to Tara than people were. More important than Giles or Jenny. More important than anyone in Sunnydale; than the people Willow had already killed, or the ones she would kill in the future.
More important than her good friend Faith too.
It had seemed so clear on the way here. Anger had clarified that line of reasoning and it had made that weird sort of sense to her. She’d had no doubt that she would kill Tara if she had to. Looking at her now, like this, just sitting in front of her she wasn’t so certain. Not certain if she would kill Tara as her orders said. Should kill her… it had always seemed wrong which was why she had hesitated. But orders were orders. She wasn’t certain that she could kill her… She might be the Slayer but she wasn’t a murderer.
Not yet anyway.
Give it five minutes and she might make a liar of herself.
Faith wanted to know though… she wanted to know
why, to understand that, before she could answer her own questions. What was it that was worth both of their lives? Certainly not some bloodsucker. Never that.
In her opinion there was nothing at all that was worth that sort of price. Tara, like anyone else, could make her own choices about her own life. It seemed that she had done so already. Tara had fought for her life during the ambush… surely she could see the danger now. Surely she would fight for it again. The witch had to… otherwise Tara was going to make her into a murderer.
Faith shook her head angrily. She still didn’t get it but finally she had got to Tara.
“I
do hate them!” Tara’s voice was low, powerful, almost dangerous. Finally there was a challenge for Faith, the glimmerings of an argument, something to work with. There was some fight there. “I have more reason than most to hate them. More reason even than you Faith.”
Oh, Faith thought to herself,
are they going to kill you one day? Because she sure as hell knew that was her fate. Of course she might get hit by a bus, which would be embarrassing, but failing that, one day, one of those vamps would have one lucky day, and the next Slayer would be called.
“They killed my family,” Tara went on. The fight was still there then. Some things. Some unpleasant truths touched a nerve it seemed. She could use that. “They kill so many people…” Tara said, tailing off.
Faith watched Tara’s face contort in the anger. She approved of that. It should help keep Tara alive.
Keep pushing the buttons. Keep after her. Make her stop you. “And you keep letting her do it Tar… you keep letting that bloodsucker you’re boinking go out to kill a few more people.”
Tara said nothing, but Faith could tell that she wasn’t telling the blonde woman anything that she wasn’t already thinking about.
“It’s funny,” Faith continued, “I hardly knew my folks but I don’t have a fuzzy spot for the vamps. I just stake them and move on. I used to think that you were the same Tara.” Faith shook her head, still not quite believing all of this. That it should have come down to this. That their friendship had just moments left. “But you… you stake them and then you come back here, home to one of them. Where is she anyway?” Faith looked around, but didn’t wait for an answer. The vampire wasn’t here. That was all that mattered. If she’d been forced to fight or threaten Willow, Faith was sure she would have sparked more of a reaction in Tara than she could handle.
“We had something going here girlfriend. We were like the deadly duo! You know, you and me? We were doing good work in this town,” Faith could tell that Tara knew exactly what she meant. But her own words had been telling. After every piece of good work hadn’t Tara come back here… to Willow? Wasn’t Willow what she valued the most?
“We kicked the Master’s hoop back to hell. We ruled the night. Vampires ran from us.” Until tonight… and that was also Tara’s fault. “They avoided the places that we were going to be.” A result of Tara telling Willow? Perhaps. It had had all changed though. Whatever ‘it’ was… it had changed. “Until tonight we were kicking the undead’s ass. Ridding the world of evil, you remember that Tar? Evil?”
Or do you just sleep with it? Is that it? Was killing vampires giving Tara an itch that only this Willow could scratch? It didn’t matter.
Tara said nothing.
“You,” Faith told her, “were a predator. Just like me. We jumped right on in there at the top of their food chain… it was just that you were the only one eating one of them.” It wasn’t intended to be a joke. Faith didn’t smile. It was supposed to… the reactions in Tara had faded again. The truth had swept them away perhaps. She had said it to get a reaction. And she hadn’t. She had pushed Tara the other way.
Too far.
“We were teaching them that this was our town now. Not theirs. That people – yeah those people that I don’t really give a shit about – were off the menu.” Tara had always been the one who had cared about the people. Or had seemed to. And now it was Faith that was acting like their champion. This whole thing was twisted and screwed up. Faith considered it all and she realised something about Tara that had never really occurred to her before. She had been deluding herself about the witch from the start.
Wanting to be like Tara when they had met… she had come to think that Tara was like her instead. “You weren’t like me at all were you?” Faith watched as Tara shook her head, the tiny movement barely visible. As if when she moved she expected her head to fall off. “I do this because it is my destiny, or some shit like that. So what if I get off on it as well? That’s a perk of the job. You… it’s all you have Tara. It’s the only damn thing that keeps you going at all. The one thing that has kept you going all this time. Just that. Killing vampires. Not even fighting evil and demons. Just killing vampires. That’s what you do. Nothing more, nothing less.”
Tara looked up into her eyes. They both knew that it was true.
They both knew that it wasn't enough to live with.
Knowing that truth made it no easier for Faith. “I used to admire that. You were kinda like an idol. You’d been doing this longer than most Slayers ever managed. Did you know that?” Tara didn’t respond so Faith continued. “You already lasted longer that I have any right to expect Tar – even though I ain’t looking to check out just yet. At least if no one helps them do me in.”
There, there was a flare in Tara’s eyes at that suggestion. But then it was gone almost as fast.
“You had a purity that I couldn’t touch. But then…” And Faith felt sorry for her then. She had to because then the rest of the story, the rest of the truth was laid out before her – it was so clear. “Then you fell in love with one of them and, no matter what you do now… you can’t do what you thought you always would, you can’t kill them all. Because you want one of them. You need one of them to be complete yourself.”
Sick and twisted. That was what love seemed to be.
“Even though you know,” Faith said quietly, “that she never can complete you… you still need her.”
Tara closed her eyes, then slowly opened them again.
“I’ve had orders Tara. Orders that I didn’t want to carry out… that I wouldn’t have done.”
That I still might not. Give me a reason damn you! “Usually I’m pretty much opposed to stuff that I don’t want to do, but you are really making it easier here Tara. I don’t do well with orders – you know that – and I think… I think you don’t want me to do this either.”
Do you? Do you Tara? Is that what your eyes are asking me? To just shut up and get on with it?Still there was no reply. “I hope you don’t want me to because if you have reached that state then you deserve to be put out of your misery.” That was one thing that Faith honestly believed – even if she didn’t want to be the one that was doing it.
Tara reacted again… this time to the word misery.
But it was not anger… Tara was, on some level, miserable. Faith didn’t know if she had done that to her, if it had been life in general or just that Willow bitch. But she could make a guess.
-----------------
Tara knew what was coming and she would have loved to have proved Faith right, shown that she didn’t want this. But she could see her fate coming for her now. It was still creeping up on her at the moment but eventually it would be rushing headlong towards her. It was like her heritage – when that had been her fate. For years a slow tick-tock of days and months; until in the end there had been no time left at all.
Faith had never even known about that, her heritage.
What would have happened if she and Mr Giles had known?
“You have to kill me?” she asked Faith. The answer already seemed so clear. Faith might have no other choice.
“I have orders to take you out of the game Tar. Orders straight from the Watchers’ Council. On letter headed paper and everything. It’s dated some time ago,” Faith told her.
The time seemed important to Faith, even if Tara couldn’t focus on the words too closely. The time seemed important so she altered her expression to ask the question. She wasn’t interested in when. The Council. Well they would know best. Faith answered the expression.
“We’d… I’d been stalling them Tar. Stalling Giles. I told them how good you were at this. I hoped that you would see sense, cut yourself loose from the Mayor and get your ass over to our side after things settled down. But most of all I was hoping that you’d drop that piece of vampire ass you’re so attached to.” Faith looked her straight in the eye. Searching, or so it seemed.
Was Faith looking for a sign that she could give up Willow?
She hadn’t done anything that Faith had needed from her. It was her own fault then. All of this… because she had known that she
did need to do those things. No question about that. It wasn’t as if Faith was being unreasonable here – Tara knew that she had to do those things. She had been agonising about them. Her friend had stood up for her.
And now her friend was going to have to kill her.
But better it was Faith than anyone else. Certainly better Faith than Willow.
“But after tonight Tar,” Faith continued, “Jeez Tara… Giles was letting me do this my way. He can’t now, after this. When he finds out… I can’t stick up for you anymore – not a leg to stand on here. Not unless you can tell me why.”
There was the challenge. There was the way out. Faith had spelled it out for her. Faith didn’t want to do this. She hadn’t told Mr Giles, he and Jenny didn’t have to know. Better that way maybe, then they could remember her as she had been.
And if Tara had known the answer… really known it then she would have said. But the words ‘Fate’ and ‘Willow,’ were not going to solve this with Faith.
“You have to kill me,” Tara said again. This time it wasn’t a question. She couldn’t explain about tonight because she hadn’t done anything – not deliberately. Not anything that she could promise not to do again. For Willow. There was nothing that Faith
could accept because she wouldn’t believe all that Tara might have been able to tell her.
Tara knew that she was going to let this happen.
It solved everything and it solved nothing at all. It made nothing better and everything worse for all of them. But she was going to let it happen.
Maybe, if she had found a way around this, Faith would have continued to be her friend. She would have liked that, but their friendship…
No. She knew that she was going to let this happen and right to the end Faith would still be her friend.
She was going to surrender to fate and allow it to take her. Swallow her up whole and send her straight to hell where Daddy had always told her that she would go.
Tara, you’re an evil creature. I know that Daddy.
I might not be a demon… but at least as one of those my motives might have had some kind of purity.She would have liked to have seen her Momma again… in heaven.
Faith shook her head, obviously sad. Tara was sorry about that. She didn’t want her friend to be sad, not because of her. “Yeah I do Tar. You work the mojo. You can do big bad mojo. I’ve seen a few little tastes. That’s dangerous. People worry about that.”
Faiths eyes said that she worried about that. Well no more than she herself did. She knew how dangerous it was. They were right to worry.
“You aligned yourself with the second biggest bad in this town, who we promoted to number one, but I figured the enemy of my enemy and all that… and now… now Tar you’re helping the vamps too. What are we
supposed to do? To think? You’re worse than a loose cannon Tara, You’re a cannon pointed right at me. At Giles and Jenny. At every damn person in this town.”
Faith was right of course.
“Did you spare a single moment’s thought for me when you were blabbing to Red? Did you even stop to think, “Gosh that might get Faith hurt, I better not do that?” Faith challenged her, the anger rising in her voice again now. Whatever the Slayer needed to get this done. It was only fair as Tara knew this was her fault. It couldn’t be easy for Faith.
She knew it wasn’t easy.
Once again, Tara didn’t answer. She had told Willow but that was it… for the ambush at least. They should be worried about the magic though. They should be worried about the Mayor. She couldn’t blame them. Not at all… and she was so tired.
So tired.
She had told Willow, just to keep her out of that place and that area. Willow shouldn’t have said anything to anyone else. Tara didn’t think that she would have. If she had… but Tara knew that, really, she shouldn’t have told the vampire at all.
Fate was coming for her. Inexorably coming towards her now, though Faith wasn’t moving. What was the point in arguing now? It was obviously too late.
“Thought not,” Faith pulled out a knife. It looked old. “I’m supposed to say some fancy words or something to make this okay Tar – it was in the letter. ‘By the Power invested in me by the Watchers’ Council yadda yadda yadda.’ Apparently this knife,” Faith turned it and it glinted in the light, showing Tara the fine edge of the deadly blade, “it’s sanctified or something to allow me to do this – to kill a human - and still be the Slayer. But you’re not interested in that are you?”
Tara shook her head. “If it makes it okay… for you.” Tara knew that Slayers weren’t supposed to kill humans, but then after what she had done, what she risked doing in the future, what choice did the Watchers have? What choice did Mr Giles or Faith have? Should they wait until she caused a disaster? Until she did get someone killed? Someone she valued. Her fate was approaching, slowly, surely, but gathering speed. Until at the end it seemed to be racing.
“No Tar, I’m not interested in the words either. You know I hated the Council – even Giles – for trying to make me into a murderer. But it wasn’t them was it? It was you. You’re the one making me into this.” There was more condemnation in those words than in any others that Faith had spoken so far. They both knew that was the worst thing that Tara had done.
She had forced Faith to be a killer instead of a defender of life.
“ Please… Don’t fight it Tar. I’ll make it quick, clean. And I am so sorry that I have to. I
really like you but you won’t help yourself will you?”
It was so obviously one final offer, one last chance. It hung in the air between them. But fate was upon them now and she was so, so tired. She couldn’t even say ‘yes.’
Faith apologising. She would never hear that again. She had never heard it before.
“See what you’ve done to me girlfriend? You made me into a killer,” Faith said sadly but there was no condemnation left in her voice.
Just the sadness. They were both sad.
---------------
Tara stood up in front of Faith, making it easier for her. It seemed to the Slayer that Tara was leaving herself open, accepting the killing strike up under the ribs and into the heart.
Tara, you should be fighting me. Come on… please god, if you won’t speak up for yourself then fight for yourself. Now. Give yourself a chance. You just might win. Magic against muscle. But Faith knew that Tara feared the magic too much to let rip with it. Feared what killing a person with it would do to her.
Just as Faith feared the knife and what killing a person with it, killing Tara, would do to her.
Faith had never paid much attention to fate. She was a ‘here and now’ kind of girl. So here, and now, she raised the knife.
“I’m so sorry.”
---------------
It was at that moment, as Faith moved the knife to press it to Tara’s abdomen that two delicate but immensely strong hands grasped her head from behind. The only things that Faith heard before the crack of her own neck snapping, as her head spun round, were four hissed words. Then blackness started to claim her.
“She isn’t your girlfriend.”
Fate it seemed had a voice.
‘But I never even heard the bitch’ was all Faith had time to think. The body of the Slayer fell to the floor with the terrible thud of dead weight.
Fate also had a name.
Willow.
Someone said the name, but it couldn’t have been her because the blackness had already claimed her.
*****************
by Kalita » Tue Jul 30, 2002 6:54 pm 
loved the update! but now i'm clueless again (not that i ever had a real clue as to what ever happens next 
). so VW knew about this and wanted this to happen - wow - but she didn't betray Tara. that's a plus. another plus: killing Luke even if it was for fun.
at: 8/3/02 3:43:13 pm