New Fic - Neverland

[branny72]

Poor Willow!! Sheila...grrrr argh! No parent should treat their kid that way. I have several friends who that is how their parents acted when they came out. It makes me appreciate my families "Who cares as long as you are happy" stance when I came out.

Great update! Hopefully when Willow gets home Tara will be there to comfort her.

[Kajun]

Heather, I've rewritten and edited this fb a million times. I give up! I tried but it is what it is.

That was so painful yet also rewarding to read. One major issue down.. oops.. make that two since you’ve updated again, now there’s only one, the most important one, to go.


Part 68: The floodgates have been opened. Tara is finally deconstructing every shared moment, conversation, expression and belief and taking a closer look from a completely new perspective; one that she simply wouldn’t allow herself to seriously consider until now. She uses paints to create a tangible representation of emotion adding layer upon layer of love, joy, pain and confusion. The process was described beautifully but I must admit her use of chalkboard green had me confused for a minute. It’s like a dull shade of green masking the vibrant color of Willow’s eyes.. of her very soul. Tara sees how wrong it is and immediately begins to erase it revealing what her heart has known all along. Willow loves her.

I’m not surprised Marissa got it –the painting and Tara’s pain. I’m actually glad Tara didn’t have time to clean up and get home before Willow left. What could she say in 5 minutes? Plus.. Willow might not have been willing to leave and then we’d be waiting another 9 plus years (haha) for her to reschedule coming out to her mom. No thanks! Spending some time with Marissa and her wife will be good for Tara. She needs to relax and allow this revelation of truth to solidify in her head and heart. It’s not a dream. Marissa will support that realization.

My thought on the discrepancy in dimensions and the fact that the oil masterpiece won’t be dry in time for the show: Tara is going to enter “Just Paint” as the fourth painting. (I can't remember the sizes so if this is wrong.. I'll figure it out as soon as I recheck previous chapters. Time is not my friend today) Marissa might have to fight her tooth and nail to sell the Masterpiece.

********

#69 I’m definitely not gonna complain that you posted an update before I returned with fb. No, this is time for celebrating two updates in one month! You started with frequent updates so it seems fitting you would end the same way. Hint-hint.

Ouch.

Shelia is completely self-involved. She’s worried about her friends? Gee.. some of her friends are gay. What would they think of her if they knew she just shunned her own daughter for being gay? Huh? HUH? And why the hell are Ira’s feelings, and those of their acquaintances (most of whom are strangers to Willow) more important than Willow’s? Any deviation from the antiquated text book daughter is an inconvenience for these dead-beat parents. Willow is merely a trophy for them to show off. No, a medal. She won’t make trophy status until she’s married to a man and pops out a couple kids. Clearly Shelia only had Willow because that’s what women are expected to do. Good job, Breeder. But she failed, miserably, to understand what being a mother is.

Not only is Shelia a heartless, educated idiot, she’s a liar. Seconds after claiming they would never force Willow to toe their line, that her life is of her own making, Shelia rejects Willow’s life. Give men a chance, despite already doing that with Oz, or she will not give Willow what she so desperately wants.. approval. Sounds like an attempt to control Willow to me. Furthermore.. Willow can tell her dad whatever she wants, when she wants. It’s called freedom of speech, Shelia. Look it up. Total control freak. Seriously, Ira’s pretty pathetic if his “work” would be in jeopardy just because his daughter shared extremely important news about herself. Yeah, I can see how finding out your daughter was on the path to a blissful life would have a negative effect. Shame on them. Shame.

Willow hoped things would go better, but deep down she knew along that coming out to that horrid woman was not going to end with hugs and kittens. Well.. they have never been real, as in loving and nurturing, parents. She doesn’t need them to have a happy life. She only needs to be true to herself and all the people in her life. Anyone rejecting her for being gay isn’t worthy of being a part of her life.

One last thing: The daughter Shelia knew never existed --That’s her own fault. She has a choice to make. Fully accept Willow for who she is, or forever lose the opportunity to share in the life of a truly special person. Two people, actually.

Whew. Excellent as always.

[lavenderangel]

Oh, Willow. Willow, Willow, Willow. I didn't get teary until she started hyperventilating in her car, but when she got home, and confirmed that Tara wasn't there, my heart just broke. I'm sure people have been imagining this scene for years, and this was a perfect punch to the gut. Sheila is incredibly manipulative, and I wish I had taken proper notes when coming out to my mom, because I would probably discover that she was as well. We definitely had the "I don't know you" and the "you have to face this!" exchanges. Willow begging her mom not to ignore this was so... I don't know what it was. Accurate is the closest word i can think to use.

Selfishly, I'm glad i read this several years after coming out myself, because this would have scared me deeper into the closet. I hope Willow doesn't retreat from Tara when she comes home. Is this the ideal conversation for them to have post-flinch? No. Is it necessary? Yes! Willow has hidden from Tara for so long, and after her own epiphany, I don't think Tara will stand for it any longer. Plus, dammit, the story needs to come full circle! Think of the literary significance, Willow.

I completely agree about empathy being Tara's superpower. I'm sure it's one of the reasons so many of us fell in love with her all those years ago, right along with Willow. As on the show, Willow desperately needs Tara's steadiness to fall back on, just as Tara needs confirmation of her assumptions. I don't think either of them are thinking about falling into bed tonight (although they should, since, you know, Willow's bed is dismantled).

This is incredibly pointless, since you've obviously already purchased something, but may I just say that scrivener is by far the best writing app out there. Bonus: It's super easy to compile projects into ebooks!

Thank you for updating so quickly. I need to go back to studying for finals, but I'll be thinking of your poor Willow for a long time. She and Tara are at such different places, and I'm glad this was a solo Willow part. The voice was pitch perfect. okay.

[loislane1]

Part 69 reminded me so much of my coming out to my step mother and the wrenching changes that happened over the next few years. This post actually made me tear up at that remembered pain. This was so very well written. I can happily say that while the relationship with my step mother and father is best described as civil and occasional my life is so much happier all these years later and has been for some time. I am really looking forward to that happiness occurring in the end of this story.

[Phantasyland]

Oh, how Willow was brave!

I loved it how she didn't bail, though Sheila is what she is.

I never actually "came out" to my parents, verbally, just moved in with a woman. It wasn't very clearheaded, I see that now, but at the time, I didn't think I had a choice. The whole deal turned very bad, abusive, and all that. But I think at some point my folks realized I was gay.

Anyways, thank you for an update, heartbreaking as it was!

[DaddyCatALSO]

I guess Willow had more hopes fror Sheila (heck, I did, too, I guess) and I do feel bad for her here. And it doesn't help to say she's not the first duaghter, gay or straight, whose mother feels disappointment for an unfair reason, and won't be the last.

But I really also hope she carries thru on herplan to tlak to Buffy before approaching Tara, . Buffy just might be soemwhat reasonable, and might (she's soemtimes perceptive) be able to not just accept what her best high school friend is going thru, but at the same time tell ehr in plainw ords what she's done toe vrybody. Willow of course knows part of this, but I think she needs to hear it in someone else's words to really grasp it.

As for Tara, well, I'm sorry to be so paternal* about her career - maybe (if she can captuire these colors in acrylics) do one of her own eye color (not necessarily as recongizable eyes and one of Willow's separated by a stripe the color of that red banner she painted once. Call it "Confusion."

*considering I was 21 when Amber was born, and almost 25 when Tara was born, "paternal" is the least creepy way to channel my fanboy crush, right, Dana5140?

[kimmy_s]

Hi Heather

Wow another update so soon, you do spoil us!
I presumed that Sheila would react that way (it would have been a cop out if she was all hugs and puppies lol). Heartbreaking for Willow but at the same time necessary for her to move forward in her life. 3 years worth of angst and I can see a shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel for our girls. This is my fave W/T fic, no wait its my fave story of all time and its not even finished yet. Shows how much of a talented writer you are, we are all hanging on your every word. I know I keep saying it but you deserve to be told just how much I appreciate your dedication to this and how it has a special place in my heart.

Thanks!
Kim

[SylverMaki]

It was heartbreaking but glad that part is over. Just Buffy to go and then like Willow said she'll be free!!! woot. Can't wait. Thanks for all the updates appreciate ya, it is making my Christmas 2013 for sure.

[thecursed&thegifted]

Wow, that was powerful. You could feel the numbness and pain that went though Willow this whole chapter, it was both intoxicating and frightening. She got exactly what she had been expecting, but all that buried agony from talks with her mother before this, even that couldn't prepare her for being totally rejected by her own mother. Intense. I hope Buffy reacts better and I hope Tara gives her a chance to explain soon.

[Grimm]

Powerful and hurtful.

I could almost feel Tara's emotion while she was listening to the instrumental. The imagery was very beautiful.

Then Shelia happened .

Some people were just not meant to be parents. She goes near the top of the list, right behind Kim Kardashian.

I really hope Tara goes home. But, I also know it won't be that easy....lol

Please end the pain soon ?

[SickSadGirl]

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to leave fb-I was still processing the first update when the second was posted. Thanks for surprising us with another!

Update 68 began with a break in tension, which was jarring even without the subject. As I've witnessed that kind of accident several times, I was immediately taken back to the body-shaking shock and confusion. Perfect to connect with Tara in that moment. I have loved how you described her painting process every time, but this one really stood out. And of course, even though she's hurt, she panics about not making it back in time to check in with Willow before the big scary meeting with Sheila. Willow's prep. was very much in character-grabbing a shirt she knows her mom loves, meticulously arranging, getting support from Tara's body wash, etc. Lovely, in spite of the impending sadness. Marissa showing up and knowing how to handle the situation was another fantastic bit. I hope Tara is open to being consoled and encouraged.

As for update 69, I feel like an ass. I had so many conversations with my mother similar to those in previous chapters, but it didn't bother me much because I don't really care how she feels about it. Plus, eventually I took the easy way out (hah) and wrote a letter. I've faced those questions and comments before, but not from someone I rely on for support/respect. Willow depends on her mother's good opinion. It was crushing to read that. I am glad Willow shut her phone off, instead of calling Xander. As great of a friend as he is, I think it was healthier for her to choose to work through it alone. But I do hope Tara comes home before the Buffy talk!!!

Anyway, thanks again for the wonderful updates. Anxious though I am, they were beautiful and worth it. Happy holidays!

[WillowRulez]

Wow. Just wow. We've waited for this moment for so long, I can't believe it's almost here. Had "Your hand in mine" on repeat while reading the first update (had never heard of it before so thanks for including it). I loved how Tara was going back in time in her mind and re-analyzing all the different situations. Very impressive! That she could finally allow the possibility that Willow does the things she does for a reason.
I mean, w-we’re basically d-dating without ever acknowledging it. The blonde squeezed her eyes shut. She told Willow she’d wait and then, then…
They kinda are, aren't they?

And now today, she was gone. Willow was so ashamed.
Poor Willow. She doesn't even allow herself to think that Tara has had feelings for years as well. I mean, why would she? Tara has always been better at hiding her feelings.
Xander said that this, this feeling of unbelievable sadness and regret she felt at her flinch, at her inability to just stop Tara and explain, was just an apology away from being nothing. And then, then they could be together.
And people call Xander stupid when he is the only one seeing what's going on.
Not that Tara had left, though that was gut wrenching and awful, but that she loved her. And whenever she came home, be it later tonight or in the next five minutes as she pulled out of the garage, Willow would tell her how much she meant to her. How desperately and fervently she loved her.
Yes please! Though I am afraid that Tara will stay out all night and Willow won't see her before meeting Buffy. Man, I sure hope Buffy will be all rainbows and puppies because my heart can't take any more!
Willow frowned. “You don't just get to ignore this because it doesn't fit into your picture of who I am."
You know, sometimes I wish my parents would have reacted more like this, not to the ends Sheila went but at least something. They mostly shrugged their shoulders and said: It's your life. After years of struggeling with yourself that outcome is kinda disappointing too. For some reason I thought this Sheila would be a nice one but I guess that just isn't in the cards for her.
I can't wait for the next update, I am so happy that you are back and updating

[DaddyCatALSO]

I'm sticking with my original hopes, that "the Plan" of speakign to Buffy next goes on.

For one thing, I think Buffy will be fully accepting, after some "NMR" style hemming and hawwing. Willow needs that.

But Willow also needs to hear other things, before she talks to Tara. I know she's aware of *some* of the pain she's caused specifically with her being closetted-to-everyone-but-Xander. The tensions between X&B,and also Buffy is aware of some issues Tara has been having with Willow, and Willow needs to have that in her mind when she does speak with Tara. As I know from experience, the "go away a little closer thing" can end well, but it never ends easily.

[writerfreak]

So I read the latest two updates the day the came out but despite wanting to leave feedback.....the master painting struck me so speechless I am still nearly beyond words. My preference when reading usually tends to stories that have people so overwhelmed with emotion that they end up doing drastic but awesome things like composing one of the most amazing songs I have ever heard, or in your case a painting that if it honestly existed I think it might haunt my dreams. Profound emotion, I suppose is what I mean. Seriously profound emotion. I think if it were ever possible you should publish this story, you'd be rich. Anyone who can write like this....well, I know it seems as if I'm kissing ass but I'm not. I'm going to be truly honest here and say that your writing is like Tara creating that master work. You should thank whoever and whatever inspired you to write this because its your own master work in front of your face.

writerfreak

[Ayu]

Wow!!!! Thank you so much for the updates Heather!!!!
I feel like a child at Christmas morning!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!

[love_2003]

I feel like every time I check this story and there is an update it is always a wonderful surprise. I hope Willow doesn't get discouraged by what her mom said and still goes on to come out to Buffy. Either way Willow just has to keep the idea of finally being with Tara in the back of her mind.

[EasierSaid]

JustSkipIt Yeah, I sort of snuck that second one in there. When I post in quick succession it’s usually because a) I’ve written the bulk of the update a long time ago or b) it fits in with the other update I’m writing (same theme, etc) so I’m writing them concurrently. For 69, I wrote most of the dialogue a long time ago, probably when I first decided that I was actually going to have Willow come out to her mom.
And thanks re: my reply to you. I’m always happy to talk about the story if something seems confusing or a motivation seems off. It helps me as much as it helped you to really think about it and see it from different sides. Plus, I figure if you thought it, someone else thought too. Also, if you had those thoughts then I wasn’t explaining my idea about her backstory in the story well enough, and I want to become a better writer. This story is the first (and only) piece of fiction that I’ve written that other people have read, and I am slightly obsessive in how much I think about it. Also, I really enjoy writing responses; if someone puts effort into leaving me feedback, I want to return the favor. That’s one of my favorite things about Pens, the conversation between those who are writing and those who are reading. I think it’s so beneficial and special, and it really keeps me coming back, and will keep me coming back even when this story is over. (And I understand how your own bias colors how you see the story; I totally get that.)
Thank you re: part 68’s opening. I really wavered on using it because it was so out there, but starting right into the music was really off; just way too abrupt and awkward. It definitely needed something else to show how scrambled up her mind was. It was really hard to write the music part because the song is so epic and emotional, so, glad you thought it worked in how she was allowing herself to change how she saw her relationship with Willow. The painting actually surprised me, I didn’t anticipate she’d hate it when I was writing, but I’m happy with how it turned out.
You know, I don’t do Sodoku, but I get what you’re saying. I worried about Tara getting it all right, but it seemed right when writing. She just opened her mind and could see things so much clearer. I thought about going with less detail, but that seemed wrong. Glad you liked it. And yes, two paintings, two people’s feelings. It’s going to be interesting if they’re ever hung next to each other! And yes to Willow - she definitely put herself out there when she signed her note Love.
I’m really glad you liked Marissa. I enjoy writing her. I liked her description of the painting because it was semi-objective; I liked that someone who was not emotionally affected by the emotions that went into creating the painting was able to express how it affected her. Yes, Tara is one short for the show, but she has worked out a plan; will be interesting to see if she goes through with it. Re: the conversation with the M&Ms - that’s the next update, so read on for that. Hopefully it works. (Up until this point, Michelle has been beating the “Willow and Tara have feelings for each other” drum, while Marissa has been focused on Tara’s unrequited feelings.)
I’m glad you liked Willow’s role in her coming out. She had practiced and practiced and practiced; she was on a mission, and her mission was to leave that hotel room with her mom understanding that she was gay and that was not going to change. I think she accomplished her goal, even though it was brutal.
Re: Sheila… I agree that she has no idea that she’s cut Willow to her core. I think she thinks she’s shared her feelings respectively, she didn’t say she hated her, she didn’t say she thought Willow was going to hell, etc. I totally get what you’re saying about being a mother and I feel the same way. And perversely, I think Sheila would say she feels the same way, too. I think Sheila is coming from a place of extreme fear. She’s afraid. Afraid of Willow becoming unrecognizable, of her friends judging her, of her husband having a bad reaction, of Willow’s heart being broken by society rejecting her or demeaning her (remember, when this story started in 2005 marriage equality on the scale we have now was a dream), fear of maybe not being able to love Willow’s children if they’re not biological, maybe of being afraid that they won’t love her, that she’ll be the “lesser grandma,” fear that she won’t be able to relate to her daughter’s partner and that would mean she’d lose her daughter. I think everything she said in this conversation can be boiled down to fear. (She never says being gay is disgusting, or morally wrong.) I get where Sheila’s coming from; it makes more sense to me than religious reasons against being gay, etc., though I do still think it’s equally wrong and hurtful, obviously. Rejection is rejection, whether it’s because you’re a hardcore homophobe or fearful (hopefully temporarily) of what your life is going to be like as the mother of a gay woman. Whether she can overcome her own fear is the big question. I have no doubt that Sheila loves Willow, but I do think she’s oblivious to how badly she’s hurt Willow with what she’s said, and it would be impossible to move on from this conversation like nothing happened. They are going to have to do a lot of work to get beyond what was said in that hotel room.
And yes, Plan Willow is still in full effect, though I think right now she’s on autopilot. Buffy coming out should be in an update or two, so hopefully you’ll like where that goes. Thanks so much for the very cool, detailed feedback. I really appreciate it (probably more than you know). The kids are growing faster than I’d like, but are tons of fun. Our oldest is very excited about Christmas. Hope you and yours are having a great holiday season, and thanks again. Hope you like the next update.

wayland Thanks so much for the two feedbacks, so appreciated. (And yes, I totally snuck that second one in there; I needed it posted!) I’m glad you liked Part 68, and good guess on Tara losing track of time. Though it was a bit of a cheap plot construct to allow Willow to proceed with her plan, I really wanted it to mean something for Tara, not just be something she did to kill time. If after I wrote it it didn’t seem necessary to Tara’s emotional growth, then I probably would have drastically altered how things went. And I love your description - “exhilarating” definitely works. She’s an insane mess of feelings, but they’re all building to the most wonderful revelation. Glad also that you liked that the mess of feelings went into that painting. When I picture this Tara in my mind I imagine her being fairly reserved and measured with her feelings (though very affectionate with friends, etc)… until she starts painting. It’s such a powerful outlet for her. I’m glad also that you liked the music; so cool that you listened. What did you think? It’s not for everyone, that’s for sure. Funny that you too were waiting for the lyrics. (And I do think that eBooks will feature music; I can’t imagine them not. It would actually lead to some pretty cool collaborations. I get giddy sometimes thinking about having some of my favorite books have a score.)
I’m so glad you felt like the recap didn’t feel contrived. I really worried that it would, but I couldn’t seem to write it any other way, and I think I needed the recap as much as Tara. It really was fun and educational to go back and see everything from just her perspective. It really helped me get back into the mindset of someone who had been in love for three years, instead of that really raw, new love in the park flashbacks. And so glad you liked Willow’s POV. It felt numb to me, that she was also a mess of emotions but on a sort of autopilot because she needed to be in order to be composed enough to come out to her mom. I’m so glad that you thought they were recognizably themselves. I know Tara rushing home is the romantic thing to do, but it feels wrong to think about her screwing over her friends for personal gain. And Willow is always the pleaser; picking out the shirt her mom likes was a way to show that while she’s going through this big transformation, she is still herself. Thanks so much for the kind words on that part.
Re: Part 69 - yeah… it was bad. I’m glad you thought I wrote it well, though bleurgh to the queasy. (I think that is such funny, wonderful praise; ‘your writing is so good it made me sick’. Thank you!) Very interesting take on Sheila’s perception of herself and how she chooses to communicate her disapproval with Willow. In my mind, Willow and Sheila have had almost this entire conversation in bits and pieces over the last two years, it just wasn’t explicitly about Willow, though, I think Sheila knew and has just been in extreme denial, or maybe hoping that Willow would “grow out of it” if it was an experimental phase (or that she’d choose a man to marry if bisexual). I agree that her questioning of Willow is very systematic, though I don’t know that it was intentional. I just think her brain was skipping from thought to thought, and that her thoughts were all based in fear. (See my feedback to Deb for more on that.)
Very, very interesting breakdown on how she Sheila’s words affect Willow, and how Willow stands up for herself. I do think Sheila’s “you’re a grown woman” is super harsh because it’s true, to a degree. Willow should live her life for herself, though it is absolutely unreasonable that she wouldn’t also want her family to still love and accept her. I think it’s also an insight into what’s important in their family structure and how Sheila sees her role as a parent; that Willow was raised to be an independent person. I think that goes back to how her parents left her to her own devices in high school, likely tied to her being a responsible person, autonomous from her parents. She can think for herself, they raised her and set her free on the world, as it were. That Willow desires something else is foreign to Sheila. Re: Willow saying sorry… it seemed so Willow. And it’s sort of vague, isn’t it. What is she apologizing for? For being gay? For stressing her mom out? For how the evening ended? And Sheila’s “me too” - is she saying sorry too, or is she saying she’s acknowledging that Willow is sorry. It’s weird, and awkward, but an olive branch on both sides, I think, though they won’t see it for that for a long time.
Re: writing a space - more on that, for sure. Hopefully you’ll like how things unfold. Willow definitely wants to come out as an equal partner… but I think one thing is going to become clear to her, and that’s that you can’t control the coming out process. It’s full of surprises, even if it happens just as you think it will (because the emotions surprise you, even if you think you’re ready for them). Thanks so much Clare, I very much appreciate the kind words and detailed thoughts. Hope you like the next update.

zampsa19752001 Thanks so much. Willow is in serious need of Tara-cuddle; read on to see how soon that’ll be happening. Hope you like the next part.

SGL So much heartache indeed. I did sneak the update in, sort of - I had written the bulk of it a long time ago and I just wanted it posted. Was too heavy to sit on just for the sake of stretching out time between updates. (And it reminded me of the good ol’ days when I used to update like a crazy person.) And good luck on the finals! Hope you aced them all and are enjoying your winter break. Thanks so much, totally appreciate it. Hope you enjoy the next bit.

HanShotFirst Wow, thank you so much for sharing. First, before anything else, the happy stuff - Congratulations on your upcoming marriage, and to your unrequited (now requited!) love is just so phenomenal. I’m so, so happy for you, and I’m pretty sure I speak for everyone else here when I say job well done.
I really appreciate the kind words. Unrequited love is the worst - it is such a hopeless feeling. I’m really glad that you liked how Tara absorbed Willow’s song, and that you thought it fit with her. I agree that she’s not one to skip the hard stuff; it seems like she’d be someone who would really feel it, experienced it and then either acted on it or let it go. And so sorry for the tears re: Willow’s coming out, but totally understand. Coming out is such a scary proposition. I’m so sorry that you experienced something similar. I agree about the mental checklist. I had someone tell me once that coming out is so rooted in fear - both fear of being rejected by the person coming out, and fear of all of the unknowns that come with someone you love telling you that they are different than what you think they are - and I totally believe that. I’m sorry you feel like your family is going to have a hard time with your marriage. And I’m totally blown away that you’re taking strength from Willow - that is amazing, and so inspiring. Love. Love is so powerful; Willow survives because of the promise of love, just like we all survive because the whole point of coming out is so that we can be free to love. Thank you, so much for your feedback, it means a lot. Hope you enjoy the next update.

branny72 Poor Willow indeed. Totally agree that no parent should treat their kid that way. I’m so glad you had a good experience, and feel for your friends who didn’t. I look forward to a time when everyone has the reaction of your family. Thanks so much, hope you enjoy the next part.

Kajun First, props for rewriting and editing your feedback - that is some serious dedication and I appreciate it. What was driving you to rewrites? Re: Part 68 - Floodgates are open, indeed. Very cool description of her painting process - that’s totally it. I think the chalkboard color - I think she just liked the color. It’s kind of like algae in a pond, a blank slate on which to build. Marissa was definitely on the ball; she saw that painting and went, “yup, that’s a whole lot of love and pain.” More on her reaction to the painting in the next update. (And her feelings on Tara’s feelings for Willow.) I agree that spending some time with Marissa and Michelle will be good for Tara. She needs some perspective. And nope to “Just Paint” (if you’re referring to “The Day in the Park”)—way too big. Close… but no cigar. She definitely has a different plan up her sleeve, it’ll just be interesting to see if she goes through with it. And as for selling the new painting - don’t think Marissa isn’t going to try and talk her into it.
Re: Part 69 - glad you’re not complaining about the super speedy update. It did feel like the olden days, though I don’t think I could ever return to that insane amount of writing/posting. Not with two kiddos to chase around all day!
And ouch indeed. I agree that Sheila is pretty self-involved. She is worried about her friends, about her husband, about herself, and I think all of that goes back to being afraid—see my feedback to Deb for more on that. (I do think she’s worried about Willow, but it’s not the kind of empathetic concern we all hope for from our parents; I think it’s concern about how Willow’ll be treated by others, concern that the girl she raised and love will disappear… which is selfish of her.) I will say, I think Sheila loves Willow tremendously; in this story at least she had her at a more advanced age (I imagine she might have had infertility issues so had to try really hard to get her) and had complications when pregnant. I imagine Willow is extremely precious to her, and whatever issues they had about her being an absent parent were resolved when Willow was in college; at least, that was established in a previous update. I don’t know if she sees Willow as a trophy, someone to brag about. I do think she fears that when she does brag about Willow that people will react badly because she is gay and that hurts and embarasses her. In a previous update it was established that Sheila wanted Willow to have a relationship because she didn’t have one when she was the same age; I think she wants Willow to be happy and have a family because Sheila is happy with her family and it’s hard for her to see at this point how having a family that is different than what she pictured will bring Willow (and by extension, her and Ira) happiness.
(Funny story about the term “breeder:” About three years ago I was with my oldest son, then around 1, at a local grocery store and a young gay guy (early 20s) called me a breeder, and then bitched to his friend very loudly so I could hear about how the gay neighborhood was being infiltrated by straight breeders and how badly this sucked for all of the gay people who were trying to build a community. Was amusing, to say the least.)
I agree that Sheila is a hypocrite, I just wonder if she sees it in the example you gave. And exactly re: Willow’s dad. We still don’t know what his reaction will be because Sheila isn’t him; she can say what he might do/think/say, but until he finds out, Ira is a wildcard. Too true about Sheila needing to accept Willow or punt on the chance to know her. Their relationship is going to need a lot of work, that’s for sure. Thanks again so much, I really appreciate seeing the update from your POV. Hope you like the next update!

lavenderangel Thank you so much for the incredibly kind words. I feel you about getting teary when Willow starts to break down; I put that on Alyson Hannigan, because we can all see her face scrunched up in pain and know how visceral and raw that can be. I’m sorry Willow’s coming out mirrored your own. Coming out is so incredibly hard and it’s amazing how so many people can have similar experiences. I mentioned this above (and read my reply to Deb for more on this) but coming out is so rooted in fear, both for the person coming out and the person hearing the news… People can say and do awful things when they’re afraid, and I think that was what was going on with Sheila. I suspect she’ll regret some of it once she thinks about it (or once someone close to her says, “OMG, Sheila, not cool”). And I totally get you about how this would have driven you deeper into the closet. It’s hard not to empathize with others and see similar situations unfolding in our own lives.
Agree that Willow is in a weird place to be having a conversation with Tara, but that it needs to be done. I don’t see how they’d be able to avoid it once they get around each other, no matter how broken Willow might be from her coming out experience. Totally agree, as well, that Willow needs Tara to anchor her a bit, and vice versa, though for slightly different reasons. And thanks for the writing app recommendation - that’s actually the one I bought! I’m using probably like 35% of the functionality, but it is definitely easier to move between updates and find things that I need to reference, etc. (I’m still writing my replies in trusty ol’ TextEdit though; can’t quit you, TE!) Thanks so much for the feedback, and during finals even! That’s dedication right there, and I appreciate it. Hope you like the next part.

loislane1 I’m so sorry that this last update mirrored your coming out experience. Coming out is so, so hard (even if it goes well because you can worry yourself to death that it might not go well). We should all get medals, or free ice cream for life or something for having done it. I’m happy to read that you’re in a happy place, and I agree that Willow and Tara need to get to their happy place by the end of the story. (Thank god for Pens it’s mandated!!!) I appreciate the kind words, thank you. Please enjoy the next bit.

Phantasyland Amen on Willow being brave; she stuck to her guns even though it was hard and I think we can all be proud of her for that. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Coming out isn’t easy, no matter how you go about it. You did, in your own way, I’m sure. Thanks so much. Please enjoy the next part.

DaddyCatALSO Yes, Willow definitely had higher hopes though I think her rational brain was prepared for like 90% of what she heard from her mom. More on how Willow’s plan is going to play out in the next update for sure. (And I like that you’re sticking with Willow talking to Buffy before Tara - you have sound reasons!) She definitely needs to talk to Buffy, and will. I agree that Buffy might be able to reach through to Willow in a way that others might not; would be good for her to accept her role in how weird their friend dynamic has gotten. Very nice suggestion for Tara’s non-existent fourth painting. She definitely has a plan - just need to see if she can pull it off. (And funny about the paternal bit; totally get you, though, you know, I’m a girl and roughly the same age as Amber.) Thanks so much, I appreciate it. Enjoy the next bit.

kimmy_s Thanks Kim. Was fun to post two updates so close together; reminded me of the good ol’ days when I started the story and was posting like a crazy person. Yes to the way Sheila reacted; Willow prepared for it for years and it still broke her heart… But, it was necessary and now *she* can see the light at the end of the tunnel, too. And wow, thank you so much for the huge compliment re: the story - I’m seriously blushing and feel humbled. Truly, wow. I appreciate the kind words, and appreciate that you’re reading. Hope you like the next update.

SylverMaki Amen to “heartbreaking but glad that it’s over.” And yes, Willow does have a Buffy conversation coming up… just not in this next update. Glad the updates are helping make your Christmas and thanks! Hope you like this next bit.

thecursed&thegifted Thank you so much. Willow did get what she was expecting, sadly, and you’re right, she wasn’t prepared for the rejection. I don’t know that anyone could really prepare for that, you know. No Buffy in this next update, but soon. Hope you like where it goes from here and that you like the next part.

Grimm Thank you so much. I’m glad you thought the music bit worked; I was really nervous about that because the song was so grand and the emotions she was feeling were so complicated. And Sheila. (Love that emoticon!) I think Sheila doesn’t understand how hurtful her words were, and when she does I hope she can do something to make amends (though, even if she does that hurt will always be there, sadly). As for Tara going home… more on that in this next update. (And pain will end soonish, we are in the stretch run.) Thanks again, and hope you enjoy the next bit.

SickSadGirl No worries at all - people are used to me taking months and months between updates, so sneaking a couple in back-to-back was a bit, er, sneaky of me. Sorry about having seen someone get hit; I have too and it’s awful. Thank you re: Tara’s painting. It was interesting to write because when I started I had a totally different vision for how and what she would create. Was so surprised by how it eventually ended up. Tara does feel guilty about not making it home; I do think that when she left in the morning she thought she’d go out for a few hours, work out her emotions a bit and then head home to hear what Willow had to say. That she stayed out all day is not how she wanted things to go. Glad you thought that Willow’s prep was in character. Glad also that you liked Marissa’s appearance. It felt right, that she wouldn’t press or freak out, but stay calm and simply invite Tara over. And re: 69, no need to feel like an ass. Coming out is so hard and strange, everyone has a different path. But you’re right, Willow does care about what her mother thinks. I think Willow is very sensitive to what others think about her, and in this story at least, she worked hard on her relationship with her parents in college to get beyond any abandonment issues she felt in high school. Re: the phone; there’s just nothing that Xander could say that would make what just happened better, so why bother? I think at this point Willow is a little sick of hearing herself talk about her feelings, you know? She just wants to get through coming out and talk to Tara. Everything else is secondary. About Tara coming home - more on that in this next update. Thanks so much, I do appreciate the kind words. Happy holidays to you too and hope you like the next update.

WillowRulez Thanks! We have been waiting a long time. A long, loooooong time. Very cool about listening to the song - what did you think? I love the band and the album that that song is off of is really stellar. Glad that you liked Tara’s re-imagining the last few weeks. I was worried it was going to be hokey or too detailed, so I’m relieved you thought it worked. I think it was good for her to reset her mind to get to the correct conclusion, that Willow loves her, and it helped me reset after that foray into the past and the park. And poor Willow indeed. She has no idea Tara’s been in love with her for so long. I think when Tara tells her - just as when Willow tells Tara - it will floor both of them. Glad you liked Xander’s advice sinking in. As for whether Tara comes home, more on that in this next update. Thanks for sharing re: your coming out. Every single one is different, even if the details sound familiar. Sounds like yours was somewhere between Tara’s and Marissa’s. (And I understand about being anticlimactic.) Thanks again - happy to be back and updating! Hope you like this next bit.

writerfreak Wow, thank you for the incredibly flattering (and humbling) words. I really appreciate it. I’m glad you liked Tara’s painting process. It was very different than what I thought it was going to be when I started out writing the update; I imagined that it would be a lot like the painting she did after their day in the park, but as she started to sort through her emotions it made more sense that she wasn’t able to get the painting just the way she wanted. It seemed more real that she would be frustrated and that the final product would be hard to come by. If you want to see what it would be like, Google Gerhard Richter’s abstracts and imagine something a little more wild, not as smooth, with sections of really chopping paint included. As for publishing Neverland, thanks, that is really, really nice to say, though, sadly, unless Joss Whedon decided he wanted to get behind an epically long AU Willow-centric trilogy of novels (cause, did I mention the long?) it won’t happen. (Such a shame too, because I wouldn’t mind being rich! ) I know a lot of fanfic writers change the names and the details to make publishing a reality, but I can’t imagine doing that to this story; it would strip the soul out. I’ve worked really hard to make these two Willow and Tara… to change them, to take out the Buffy references, etc… I have a hard time seeing how it would still feel right and whole. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be inspired to write an original work. This is the only piece of fiction that I’ve ever written and shared with other people, so it’s surreal that anyone thinks it’s publishable. Seems like such a pie in the sky idea to me. (And as for inspiration for this tale, it’s love, and by extension my lovely wife, who I found while writing about love in this story.) Thank you again, and I hope you like the next bit.

Ayu Thank you so much for reading - really appreciate it. Hope you like the next update (and yay for ‘kid on Christmas morning’ feelings!).

love_2003 Thank you so much, what a nice thing to read. Valid fear about Willow getting discouraged, but I think she’s on automatic pilot right now, and coming out to Buffy is just the next thing she has to do. But you’re right, she does need to keep being with Tara in the back of her mind, if only for sanities sake. Hope you like the next bit and thanks again.

[EasierSaid]

Title: Neverland
Author: EasierSaid
Feedback: Yes, please.
Spoilers: None.
Setting: AU. There is no Hellmouth, there is no slayer and no magic of the wicca variety. Just our girls and the rest of the Buffy characters living and loving in that great city by the bay, San Francisco.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Please don't sue me Mutant Enemy.
Notes: Definitely the last update this year, so Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year! Thanks for making 2013 special.


Thoughts in italics

PART 70

They left the studio in relative silence, Marissa careful not to press. Tara was subdued, calm, and the frizzy haired woman didn’t want to say or do anything to spark new tears. They walked from the studio to the gallery where the owner checked in with Lucy and dropped off a set of papers, then walked to Marissa’s car in the nearby garage. The drive to her Nob Hill home was short, and Tara was grateful for the quiet company. She felt dead on her feet, and her head throbbed behind her right eye.

Though many of Tara’s friends considered her apartment a palace, Marissa and Michelle’s penthouse apartment on Powell Street was the real deal. With views of Alcatraz in the Bay, it made Tara’s warehouse conversion look like a shanty. Marissa and Michelle’s apartment was filled with impressive art and decorative lighting that sparkled and shone on beautiful contemporary furniture. Marissa and Tara took the elevator up from the garage, bypassing the ornate lobby, and the frizzy haired woman opened the door to her home with a smile. Michelle emerged from a narrow hallway and greeted them.

“Hey,” Michelle said brightly, giving the artist a hug and exchanging a concerned glance with her wife, who just shrugged in return and locked the door behind them. The gallery owner had texted her wife before they left the studio, both to warn her that she was bringing company and that the company’s emotional state was shaky at best. She also texted about Tara’s painting. ‘Freaking out! New painting!!! HUGE!!’

Tara dipped her head as she stepped out of the embrace. “I’m s-sorry if I’m imposing.”

“You’re not,” Michelle said with an amused smile, squeezing the girl’s shoulder when she looked up. “You were invited. I just hope you like Chinese.”

“Oh.” The blonde’s brow quirked. They had ordered dinner out. Probably just for the two of them. “Are you s-sure you have enough?”

“Please,” the spiky haired woman said. “We buy like we’re going to eat it for the rest of the week.” Michelle turned to walk away and then turned back. “Mostly because we usually end up eating it for the rest of the week.”

“We’re happy to share,” Marissa said with a smile.

“Seriously, we are awful cooks,” Michelle said over her shoulder as she padded toward the kitchen, eliciting a soft smile from the blonde.

“Here, let me take your coat,” the gallery owner said, reaching for the blonde’s shoulders.

“Thanks,” Tara said, shrugging off the warm garment. She had forgotten her sweater in the supply closet at the studio; she’d have to remember to collect it tomorrow.

Michelle returned, a couple of cartons of food in her hands and looked Tara up and down. “Wow, you are colorful.”

Tara looked down and sighed. Her pants and shirt were covered in paint.

“Do you want to borrow something to change into?” Michelle asked as she put the cartons on the small dining room table just off the entry way.

“N-No,” Tara said. “I um, I actually have something in my bag. Thanks.”

“Would you like to take a shower?” Marissa asked as she removed her own coat. “Get freshened up before dinner?”

“That actually sounds nice,” Tara said, relieved for the offer.

“Right over here,” Marissa said, leading Tara down a short hallway to their guest bathroom. The gallery owner grabbed the artist a couple of towels from the linen closet, showed the blonde where she could find ibuprofen in the bathroom’s medicine cabinet and then left the girl to try and wash away the rainbow of paint that covered her body.

The frizzy haired woman found Michelle in the kitchen.

“Oh my god!” Marissa said in a loud whisper as she entered the room, her eyes wide, hands on either side of her head. Anxiety and excitement were rolling off of her in equal waves.

"That good, huh?" Michelle asked, amused as she gathered the rest of the food on a tray.

"Good is... Her painting is so awe-inspiringly..." The woman trailed off, speechless.

"Awesome?" Michelle asked, playfully arching her eyebrows.

"You know at Tara's place, her piece above the fireplace?"

“The one you’ve been lusting after for years?” Michelle asked rhetorically. “Uh... Yes,” she said before a lightbulb went off in her head. "Oh." Her eyes went wide. "Oh!"

Marissa just nodded, eyebrows arched. "This one's bigger, and better.”

"She did all that today?" Michelle asked incredulously, freeing a pair of chopsticks from it’s paper confines.

The gallery owner nodded. “And it's huge, probably 5’x7’?”

"Wow. That's a lot of pai– Oh," Michelle said, part of her wife's anxiety starting to sink in. "Oh, that's a lot of paint."

“I’m not worried about the paint,” Marissa said, waving her right hand. “We can replace the paint, but it’s oil Michelle and I have no idea how we can move a work like that tomorrow morning without ruining it. And we can’t ruin it; it is so, so beautiful and precious.”

“So don’t move it,” the spiky haired woman said, not understanding the problem. “Tuck it into the supply closet, or hang it on a wall–“

“It's so beautiful,” the gallery owner said, her voice instructive, like she was speaking to a child, “that it can't be there tomorrow when Aaron shows up."

Michelle frowned and then her face smoothed as she realized. “Right, because he’s a dick.”

Marissa covered her face with her hands.

“Can he work someplace else?” Michelle asked.

“Sure,” Marissa said, removing her hands from her face. “But it won’t be where I promised, and it won’t be where he asked to work, and–“

“Because he’s a dick he might want to back out of the show because of it,” the spiky haired woman finished.

The gallery owner’s shoulders slumped.

“It’s okay, we can fix this,” Michelle said as she forgot about the food and focused all of her attention on her wife.

Marissa made an indistinguishable noise.

"You have room at the gallery in the back," Michelle reminded the frizzy headed woman. “We’ll just, get it there and figure out what to do next.”

"It's huge, Michelle, it's not like I can strap it to the top of the car and zip it on over."

"Jay Dance has a truck."

"A pick up. The amount of paint she used, the time to oxidize…” Marissa sighed and rubbed her temples, trying to calm herself. "It's fragile and insanely valuable and with the fog—I can't just have someone toss it in the back of a pick up truck."

"Casey has a truck."

Marissa's shot her wife a look. "A food truck."

"It is surprisingly roomy in the galley," Michelle said as she watched her wife start to pace and shake her head at the suggestion.

There was a long moment of silence as each woman thought. “What time does U-Haul open?" Marissa finally asked.

“Are you asking me that because I’m a lesbian and I should automatically know the answer?” Michelle said, smiling when Marissa looked up with a frown. “Baby, we will figure this out."

Marissa nodded as Michelle grabbed her by the wrist and wrapped her in a comforting embrace. The two women stayed together for a long moment. "It's so beautiful,” the frizzy haired woman murmured into her wife’s neck.
Michelle could only nod.

**************************************************************

Tara emerged from the shower and quickly toweled off. She had gotten most of the paint off of her hands (and face, hair, etc.), but short of time with a copious amount of Lava soup and a stiff brush, she was going to remain colorful for a while. She dug through her bag and pulled out yoga pants, an until-now forgotten pair of underpants and a well-worn Neko Case concert t-shirt. Thank god she had grabbed her workout bag. She rolled her eyes as she started to get dressed. ”Workout bag.” More like, ‘Bag Buffy forced her to pack for the one yoga class she had been dragged to last year.’ She pulled slightly at the pants once they were on, and looked down. They were form fitting, much more snug than she was used to, and she felt slightly uncomfortable and self-conscious wearing them.

She took a deep breath and looked at herself in the mirror as she towel dried her hair. The bags under her eyes were pronounced, and the whites of her eyes were fractured with red lines. She exhaled and hung the towel on a nearby rack, stifling a yawn. She was exhausted. The warm water from the shower had seeped into her bones and made her sluggish. At least her head was feeling a little better. She blinked her eyes wide several times to try and wake up. She needed to snap out of this daze. She had to talk to other people in minutes, and falling asleep in her noodles would probably be frowned upon. She zipped up her bag and sighed. She wondered what Willow was doing, her heart skipping a beat at the thought of the redhead. She’d have been with her mom for a couple of hours at this point… Tara swallowed hard, unwilling to start thinking too hard about what, exactly, the two Rosenberg women would be discussing over dinner. After a quick look into the mirror, she exited the bathroom.

Ten minutes later the women were seated around the dining room table. Tara made sure to look up from her food periodically and offer a few pleasant words, not wanting either woman to know how distracted she was, how exhausted she felt emotionally. The married couple sensed that her mind was spinning in circles elsewhere, and spent most of the meal talking about Michelle’s work day and Marissa’s upcoming projects.

After a while, conversation tapered off and silence settled around them. Tara was the first to speak. “I’m sorry, about the studio.” She looked up and met Marissa’s eye. “I know Aaron Bellows is coming tomorrow.” The gallery owner just nodded. “I used the b-big canvas, behind the shelves–“

"He doesn't use large canvases,” Marissa interrupted, hoping to reassure the blonde that she wasn’t concerned about the use of the studio’s supplies. “He probably wouldn't need anything larger than a 25"x30”. Anya will have the paint–“

“She does,” Tara interjected. It was important to her that Marissa knew she was taking this seriously. That she took her responsibilities seriously. “I’ve already called and put in the order. I just, I k-knew I wouldn’t be able to get it all on the bus and Anya was in Oakland–“

“It’s okay,” Marissa said gently, again hoping to reassure the blonde that she wasn’t upset. “As long as it’s in the studio before two tomorrow afternoon it’s fine. One of us can drive you in the morning if delivery isn’t an option.” The older woman thought about what she was going to say next. “The real problem is the painting itself.”

Tara nodded. She had anticipated that that would be a problem.

“We have to move it, but it’s size, the paint still being malleable…”

“The supply closet…“ Tara started, the words dying in her mouth as she saw Marissa sadly shake her head.

“Aaron is a very… particular, artist,” the gallery owner said diplomatically. “He requires a very sparse space to work.”

The blonde nodded. That’s why the table had only had the manikin, combo lamp and stereo, why the space was completely unadorned.

“Basically he has a huge ego and is a big dick,” Michelle added, her words catching the other two women off guard.

"Jay has a tru–“ Tara started.

“A pickup," Marissa again interrupted, shaking her head. “Your work is too fragile."

Tara again nodded. Of course Marissa was right. The paint would not be close to dry tomorrow morning; they’d need a covered space and a lot of luck to not ruin the work.

"Casey–" Michelle started again gamely.

"Greasy food truck, a thousand times no," Marissa rolled her eyes and again shook her head.

"Anya," Tara said. Both women looked to the blonde. "She has a truck, a d-delivery truck, she showed it to me when we went to look at a store location in Oakland."

"So we borrow it," Michelle said. Both women shot her an incredulous look. "Or, rent it…”

"I can call her," the blonde said. She stood and moved to her bag by the door, and pulled her cell phone free, a momentary pang of sadness washing over her as she saw that Willow had still not attempted to contact her. Again, not that she would after you bolted, Tara thought, her jaw clenching. She dialed the bottle blonde and waited, but the phone just rang and rang until the shop owner’s cheery, mechanical voice played back in her ear. The blonde waited for the beep. “Hey, Anya, it’s Tara. I um, I w-was hoping that maybe I w-would be able to use your truck to move a piece tomorrow. It um, it probably w-wouldn’t take long, a couple of hours in the m-morning. Please call me back on my cell phone. Thanks. Bye.”

The two married women looked at each other as Tara returned to her seat. “I got her voicemail,” she said sheepishly, the other women smiling knowingly.

“If she can’t come through we’ll just track down a U-Haul or something,” Michelle said. She looked between the two women. “We will figure it out.”

The other two women nodded and another long silence settled between them. Tara and Marissa finished picking over their dinners, the gallery owner quietly watching the blonde. After a long evaluation, Marissa leaned forward. She waited until she caught Tara’s eye and then spoke. “Tara, I can’t stop thinking about your piece. It’s…” The woman leaned back in her chair. “It’s stunning. Truly remarkable.”

The blonde’s brow furrowed, embarrassed by the gallery owner’s effusive praise. “You um, you don’t think it’s too derivative?”

“Derivative– Of?” Marissa asked, genuinely shocked.

“Richter?” Tara asked, surprised that the gallery owner hadn’t known. She blushed, embarrassed to have even said the much more accomplished and talented artist’s name while referencing her work.

The gallery owner’s face twisted. “Why, because you scraped off paint? He didn’t invent that, that’s not his.”

Tara shrugged, not entirely convinced. The style of her latest work was so foreign to her, it felt odd to claim it as her own.

“Tara, your color composition, the placement of the jagged, raised pieces… It’s like…” Marissa shrugged her shoulders. “Nothing I’ve ever seen before. I don’t have words.” She paused, carefully weighing her next thought. “If you want to sell it, I will buy out your contract for LA so you don’t default.” Tara looked up surprised. “I know you don’t have four paintings,” the gallery owner said gently, a kind smile on her lips. “You would have put in the titles already if you had.”

The blonde nodded, ashamed. Her stomach turned as she thought about the gallery owner’s offer and she shook her head, her brow deeply furrowed, a curtain of still-damp hair falling before her eyes. She thought of what that painting meant, the emotions it held… “I can’t sell it,” she said softly.

Marissa sighed. “Tara…” she said gently before simply shaking her head, words failing her. She sat silent for a moment. “This painting…” she began slowly. “It is a different level painting. Solo shows, retrospectives… Selling it would change your life.”

Michelle looked from her wife to the blonde, the artist’s brow still deeply furrowed, her right knee now pulled to her chest.

“I know how emotional it must have been to create,” Marissa pressed gently. “And I understand how hard it would be to sell, but Tara. You are so talented. Your work—this work—deserves to be seen.”

The blonde absently nodded her head, acknowledging her friend’s point. Her stomach was knotted and her face flushed. She couldn’t sell it, no more than she could sell the painting over her fireplace at home.

“Why don’t we talk about this business stuff another time,” Michelle said, deciding to step in and rescue the artist. She caught her wife’s eye and arched her brow.

“But–“

“Another time, Mare,” Michelle said gently, placing her hand on her wife’s shoulder as she stood and started to collect their dishes.

Marissa just nodded.

“Do you want a glass of wine Tara, a cup of tea?” The spiky haired woman offered.

Tara looked up, and pushed her hair behind her ears. “Tea would be nice, thank you,” the blonde said. She stifled another yawn.

Michelle smiled in return and left the room. Minutes later the three women were settled comfortably in the living room on a soft, gray L-shaped couch. They chatted about mutual friends and upcoming shows, anything that was safe and lighthearted.

Tara sat alone on one of the couch’s sections; she cradled her mug of tea in her hands and felt the water cooling beneath her touch. She was struggling to stay awake.

Michelle and Marissa exchanged a look. The gallery owner lightly cleared her throat and Tara looked up. “Do you want to talk about it?” The gallery owner asked, her gaze warm and supportive as she finally broached the subject that they had all so carefully avoided all night.

Tara’s brow furrowed and she slowly exhaled.

Marissa threw Michelle a quick look. “I know we aren’t your usual confidants,” the gallery owner said softly. “But if you want to talk about it…”

Tara slightly grimaced. She didn’t. She really, really didn’t, but if she didn’t, she admitted to herself, she’d probably explode. She looked up at her friends and sighed. It was terrifying to think about confirming her feelings for Willow with anyone, because once she said it, once she said out loud that she was in love with the redhead, it’d be real. Not just something that she struggled with internally, hoping that she could deal with this avalanche of feelings alone, but something that everyone knew about. That everybody worried about, wondered about. She couldn’t take those words back if it got hard or awkward with Willow later. She frowned. “It’s harder than I thought it would be. To say out loud.”

Both women nodded. “Did you and Willow have a fight?” Michelle asked.

A wry smile pulled at the blonde’s lips. “It’s uh, it’s t-that obvious, huh?” She directed the words to the mug in her hands, too embarrassed to look up, her head bobbing up and down as she spoke. She had almost forgotten that the two women probably already knew about the intensity of her feelings for the redhead. Marissa definitely knew; she’d asked her about it before. Tara sighed. “I mean, that it’s something with Willow…” she tacked on self-consciously.

“Just a little bit,” Michelle said with a smile. She paused briefly. “So, did you fight…?”

“No,” the blonde said, taking a deep breath. “No. I uh, I t-tried to kiss her.” She briefly looked up and then down, a deep blush covering her features.

“Tried?” Michelle asked, her brow knit.

“Oh honey,” Marissa said, her voice laced with pity.

“She um, s-she moved away at the last second,” Tara said softly. The flinch replayed in her mind and she swallowed hard.

“I’m so sorry,” the frizzy haired woman said.

“And then what happened?” Michelle asked, her brow still knit.

“I r-ran,” Tara said, embarrassed.

“To the studio?”

“N-No,” the blonde said, shaking her head. “T-To my bedroom. The, t-trying to kiss—“ She sighed, embarrassed, again replaying the flinch in her mind. “Was last night…” She was amazed as she heard herself speak. Was it really only last night? She caught sight of a clock on the mantlepiece; 24 hours ago she was leaving her studio to meet Willow so they could go up on the roof and look at the fog. She was slammed with a mess of conflicting emotions; love, fear, regret, tenderness. “I left before she woke up this morning,” she said softly, guilt framing the words.

There was a moment of brief silence. “But she wanted to talk?” Michelle asked.

“Michelle,” Marissa whispered, frowning.

Tara nodded and grimaced. “I didn’t, s-stick around to listen though…” She knew how she sounded. L-Like a coward, she thought.

“What do you think she wanted to say?” Michelle pressed.

“Michelle,” Marissa repeated, her voice warning that she was being too nosy. Her wife just waved her off.

“I don’t know,” Tara replied softly. She glanced between the two women.

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” Marissa said. “Having feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way is a horrible place to be.”

“Uh,” Michelle said, nudging her wife with her foot and giving her a look.

“Not now Michelle,” the gallery owner said, her voice low. Michelle looked at her wife like she was crazy.

“What?” Tara asked, blinking owlishly as she looked between the two women. There was something going on between them.

“Nothing, we just disagree about something,” Marissa said.

The blonde looked at them, her eyes wide. They “disagreed?” Neither Michelle or Marissa spoke. “You um, you’ve talked about this before…” she said, her head bobbing and face red as she confirmed her earlier suspicion that they knew full well how she felt about Willow. That they’d talked about it, discussed– “M-Me and Willow…”

“No.” “Yes.” Both women spoke simultaneously. Michelle clenched her jaw.

“We disagree on something,” Marissa said evenly. “But it’s not important.”

“Oh my god,” Michelle blurted out incredulously, shaking her head. She looked at her wife, long and hard, and then looked to Tara. “Willow is totally crazy about you.”

“Michelle!” Marissa said, annoyed.

“No, this is stupid,” Michelle said, her hands flying up in front of her to emphasize her point. “Morgan even saw it. And I’m sorry, I like Morgan, I think she’s a great girl, but she is a relentless womanizer and there is no way she would have given up on Tara if she didn’t think Willow was going to win.”

“Win? Nice,” the gallery owner said, shaking her head disapprovingly. “I’m sorry, Tara.”

“Don’t–“ Michelle bit her tongue and clenched her fist in front of her mouth. She took a deep breath and then looked to Tara, her gaze softening. “Tara, the way that Willow looks at you is not the way friends look at each other. It’s not. She is totally crazy about you.”

“Michelle,” the frizzy haired woman warned.

“Marissa if someone else looked at you that way, one of your ‘friends,’ I would punch them in the face.” She sighed and smiled at her wife. “I love you baby, but you have horrible gaydar. Horrible.”

“No,” Marissa said calmly, obviously annoyed with her wife. “I just choose to take people at face value and not play games.”

Michelle groaned. “Being closeted is not playing a game, Marissa; you should know that better than anybody.”

The gallery owner stared at her wife and then shook her head, unwilling to continue that line of conversation.

The spiky haired woman turned back to the blonde. “Tara, you know I’m right,” she said, her voice urgent and kind.

“This isn’t about you being right, Michelle,” Marissa said, rolling her eyes.

“You would’t have tried to kiss her unless you thought she’d kiss you back, right?” Michelle asked the blonde, ignoring her wife.

Tara just stared, shocked at both the subject matter and the two women’s vehement positions. “W-Wow.”

There was a short pause, the two married women looking at each other, Marissa frowning at her wife. “Tara, I’m so sorry,” the gallery owner said, moving to sit next to the blonde.

“Oh, please don’t apologize for me,” Michelle grumbled. She looked at Tara. “Have you ever talked to anyone about how you feel about Willow before?”

Tara nodded her head. “Marissa,” she said, her voice barely louder than a whisper, guilt washing over her for having lied to the woman when she had asked if she had feelings for Willow before. The gallery owner squeezed her arm affectionately. “And Anya, sort of.” The blonde remembered their dinner a week ago. “She um, she told me to just kiss her.” She looked up vulnerably, ashamed to have taken the shop owner’s advice. “See w-what would happen.”

“Ugh, that woman,” the gallery owner muttered as she rubbed a hand up and down Tara’s back comfortingly.

Michelle shook her head. “I probably would have said the same thing,” she admitted. Both the artist and the gallery owner looked to her, Tara questioningly, Marissa frowning. “Well in hindsight it seems like bad advice but— Tara. The way Willow looked at you when you came into the gallery this last Tuesday was so incredibly goofy and lovestruck.“

Tara frowned; she remembered Willow looking nervous when they had visited with Morgan and Michelle.

“And,” the spiky haired woman said tentatively, waiting until the blonde looked her in the eye. “She looked like she was going to hyperventilate when you were setting up that sort-of date with Morgan.”

Tara felt her face redden and she looked away, her forehead creased in deep lines. She had been so angry with Willow in that moment, all because she had decided to take a phone call from the man who now, it appears, was helping her deal with whatever she was feeling for the blonde. Tara slightly shook her head at how insensitive she’d been. Of course Willow had been nervous. You were making plans to date your “perfect girl” r-right in front of her.

The blonde sighed and looked back down to her mug. Emotions swirled and bubbled inside of her, fighting for attention from her somnolent mind. There was a long moment of silence as the blonde tried to process everything the two women had just said, her fatigued mind struggling to make sense of it all. “What do you think?” She asked, looking over at Marissa. She saw Michelle purse her lips out of the corner of her eye.

The gallery owner was quiet as she collected her thoughts. “I think that you’re in love, and that you’re hurting,” the frizzy haired woman said. “And I think being in love has you completely spun.” She paused. "Do you remember that day Willow came to the gallery unexpectedly and you had lunch? How you left after? The look on your face…”

“Uh, Willow was at the gallery and wanted to see her,” Michelle countered. “Dropping in on people out of the blue in the middle of the day, that’s not something ‘friends’ do,” she said, her fingers making air quotes beside her face.

“She didn’t know I was going to be there,” Tara said absently, subconsciously playing devil’s advocate.

“And I’m sure she was so disappointed to see that you were,” Michelle said, rolling her eyes gently.

The blonde remembered the look on Willow’s face when she approached her on the gallery floor that day. The redhead looked like a kid caught stealing an extra cookie from the dessert platter. But then when they had talked about the glass bead bracelet, and Tara had invited her to stay for lunch, the smile on Willow’s face… A light blush stole across Tara’s cheeks.

Marissa frowned. “Michelle, you didn't see Tara's face when she left," she said, holding her wine glass up, shaking her finger at her wife. “I’m sorry Tara, but you looked white as a sheet when you left. And when you came back to the gallery that one night, and offered to close? It was the same, heartbroken look, and that pasty pale face is the color of gay-on-straight emotional confusion."

"Or love,” Michelle said, shrugging her shoulders defiantly.

"Unrequited love,” Marissa corrected.

"Well hello, Willow's best friend and confidant!” the spiky haired woman said pointedly to her wife. Marissa frowned and Michelle raised her eyebrows, punctuating her point.

Tara watched in rapt fascination. It was like someone took the angel and devil who had been sitting on her shoulders arguing about Willow’s affections for years and made them life-sized and lesbians.

"I'm just saying Mare,” Michelle continued, oblivious to the amazed look on Tara’s face, “for someone who only knows half of the story you sure seem sure of your conclusion, which, I might add, I think you got to by jumping. Just a bit."

Marissa frowned and held up a hand to calm her wife. “I told you, I talked to Buffy at Tara’s show opening and she gave me Willow's back story.”

Tara briefly closed her eyes. The petite blonde had a tendency to over share when she drank and if she recalled Buffy was quite tipsy that evening. Of course she’d tell Marissa about Xander. Of course.

“Buffy?” Michelle said, her face incredulous. “Really? Marissa.”

“She’s her best friend,” the gallery owner said into her wine glass before taking a sip.

“Best friend, not mind reader and official spokesperson. Couldn’t there be a teeny, tiny chance that Buffy doesn’t know everything about Willow?”

“It’s kind of a big thing not to know about given how close they are,“ Marissa said.

“Who knew about you before you came out?” Michelle asked rhetorically, her brows arching.

Coming out… Tara’s brow knit. “I think Willow’s coming out to her mom tonight,” she blurted out softly, the words out of her mouth before she could stop them.

“What?” Marissa said, her voice laced with shock.

“Whoa,” Michelle muttered.

“Or, was, m-maybe going to t-talk to her, about, me…” The blonde looked between both women, her face scarlet. “Her feelings. I don’t know for sure…”

“What makes you think she’s coming out?” Marissa asked, resting her wine glass on the table.

Tara shook her head, unsure she would be able to articulate her thoughts. She pursed her lips. “She w-was nervous, afraid, of seeing her. It didn’t really make s-sense because they’re close.” The blonde paused, her heart dropping to the pit of her stomach as she pictured Willow’s face on the roof, her green eyes troubled, her voice anxious, as she spoke about her mom’s impending visit. “She seemed, w-worried she’d be disappointing her.”

The three women sat quietly for a long moment. “God,” Michelle said, softly shaking her head. “Poor Willow.” Tara’s head snapped up and she made eye contact with the spike haired woman. “I just mean,” Michelle quickly said, reading the pained look on the blonde’s face, “you know, we’ve all been there.” She paused. “It’s scary.”

Tara nodded. She wanted to agree, wanted to say something, but her voice seemed to have abandoned her.

“Remember when Fatima came out last year,” the spiky haired woman said as she looked over to her wife, who blew out a puff of air and nodded, dazed. Tara’s head cocked, and Michelle slightly frowned when she noticed the curious expression on the blonde’s face. “It didn’t go well.”

The blanket of silence returned. “My mom never knew,” Tara said, her voice soft and confessional. “Sh-She died, before…” She hung her head, knowing that one reason why she had behaved so badly after her mother’s death was because she felt guilty that her mom never knew her true self. She sighed. “My dad didn’t care.”

“My parents cared,” Michelle said, her voice clipped. “Little too much.” She met Tara’s eye. “Kicked me out.” She exhaled and flapped her hand to show it was all in the past.

The three women sat silently, each lost in their own thoughts. After a long moment, Marissa spoke. “I think I’m going to turn in,” she said, standing stiffly and picking up her glass of wine. “Tara, you’re more than welcome to stay here tonight, and I think you should. You’ve had an unbelievably rough day. It might do you some good to take a break from everything and just rest.”

“Thank you,” Tara said. The thought of resting, sleeping, sounded divine. She stifled another yawn.

“Michelle can get you set up if you decide to stay,” Marissa continued as she shuffled to the other section of the L-shaped couch.

“Thank you,” Tara said again, the sincere tone of her voice obviously thanking the gallery owner for more than just the offer of Michelle’s help.

“No problem,” the woman said with a smile. She leaned over and kissed her wife on the lips. “Goodnight.”

“Night,” Michelle replied, reaching out to gently squeeze her wife’s leg as she left.

The two remaining women sat together quietly, Tara sipping her cold tea, Michelle sipping her warm wine. Tara’s mind wandered to the married women’s relationship. How they could bicker and then be so tender as they said goodnight… It was amazing. Love is amazing. After a long moment, Tara tentatively spoke. “Is Marissa okay?”

“Hmm?” Michelle asked, pulled from her own thoughts. “Oh, yeah,” she said, exhaling with a smile. “She just doesn’t like to talk about coming out.”

Tara nodded. “W-Was it rough?”

“No,” Michelle said with a bright smile, shaking her head. “She just feels guilty. She waited a long time, till she was like 30 or 31, and when she told her dad he didn’t even care. He took her out for ice cream.” Michelle sighed, evaluating the tight look on Tara’s face. “Maybe Willow’s mom is taking her out for ice cream right now.”

Tara’s brow furrowed. She doubted it; not after how anxious Willow sounded last night. Another long moment settled between them. “You would go home," she said quietly.

Michelle scrunched up her face before looking sympathetic. "But Marissa wouldn't." Tara looked over and caught the spiky haired woman's eye. "She didn't, when it was us." The blonde's brow furrowed and she looked away. Michelle watched the woman. "Tara, there's no shame in needing time.”

The blonde nodded gamely, her eyes averted.

"You know she has feelings for you,” Michelle said. “Despite what Marissa says, you know, right?”

Tara looked up vulnerably, biting the inside of her lip in a bid to keep tears from falling down her cheeks. She nodded and swallowed back a silent sob.

Michelle took a deep breath and nodded. She was gentle as she spoke. “She still will tomorrow. This, taking time..." She shook her head. "It won't change that."

"Doesn't feel very fair," Tara said, pointing around her to indicate the situation, a few stray tears rolling down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away.

"Feelings aren't fair," Michelle said, shrugging. "You're taking care of yourself."

Tara nodded, exhaling shakily. Is that what she was doing?

"She'll understand," the short haired woman continued. "I did, when it was us."

The blonde again nodded, sick with fear. She was so tired, so incredibly tired, and she felt paralyzed, unsure of what the right thing to do was. Not what she should do, and not what she wanted to do, but what was right. She desperately wanted to do the right thing. For her. For Willow.

Michelle sighed, words obviously sitting at her lips. She pressed them closed, unwilling to speak her mind as she watched the tired blonde nearly drown in her emotions. The spiky haired woman took a sip of her wine, and retreated into her own mind, giving the blonde companionship and privacy at the same time.

Tara’s tired mind wandered as she stared at the small amount of now-cold tea left in her mug. She forgot about Michelle, forgot about everything except Willow. What she must be feeling. That thought nearly overwhelmed her, so she took a deep breath and shifted to just thinking about the girl. Her lovely red hair. The twinkle in her bright green eyes when they flirted, Tara thought, feeling surprisingly comfortable admitting that that was indeed what they had been doing for weeks. She loved the little sound the girl would make at the back of her throat when she was being modest. And how she would push her tongue against her teeth when she finished a silly story, a goofy, charming smile on her lips. The freckles on the redhead’s shoulders when the girl would wear a tank top to bed. Willow’s thin fingers, curled and animated when she spoke, twisting like she was trying to open the lid on a mason jar. How her beautiful brow furrowed, her green eyes wide, lips thin, when she listened to something she was about to tactfully disagree about. The love Tara felt for the redhead was so intense and natural, and the love Willow felt for her… She sighed.

She thought about all those times over the last three weeks that Willow lit up for her. Flirted with her. Beamed for her, and then the flinch crashed into her mind. The flinch, that ugly, perhaps involuntary, movement that led her to this place on a couch in Nob Hill. It just didn’t make sense. No matter how many times she replayed the reasoning behind Willow’s flinch in her mind—and she had, so many times—it just came out wrong. Willow loved her. She did, so even if she was afraid, even if she wasn’t ready, why didn’t the love she felt for her trump everything else, enough to kiss her back when the blonde leaned in? Tara let out a shaky breath. She felt insecure. Nervous. What if Willow didn’t love her enough? And that thought led to the closet. Tara frowned. She couldn't go back, couldn't be anybody's secret. If Willow hadn’t come out tonight… If when she went home Willow asked her to wait for her indefinitely, or be with her despite her closeted nature, what would she say?

Willow loved her. She knew it, knew it in her soul. But that didn’t mean they were going to be together. It didn’t mean that what she wanted most of all—to be in love, be loved, make love with the redhead—was going to happen. She rubbed a hand over her weary face and yawned into her palm. Going home meant finding out what she was to Willow, what Willow wanted from her, and that scared her to death. But if she didn’t go home, if she stayed, here, tonight, and Willow had talked to her mom… She dropped her hand heavily to her lap. Well, the blonde wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to forgive herself for not being there for the redhead.

“I need to go home,” Tara said finally, swallowing hard. It would be difficult, and she felt like a cored apple emotionally, but it wasn’t fair to Willow to stay away. She didn’t want the girl to think she was being punished by her absence, and, if she had come out to her mom and things had gone badly…

“Okay,” Michelle said, a soft smile spreading across her lips. “Let me go tell Marissa and then I’ll get my keys and drive you home.”

“Thank you,” the blonde said with a weak smile. She watched the spiky haired woman leave the room and put her head back into the couch cushions. She closed her eyes and listened to the quiet murmurs down the hallway.

**************************************************************

“Okay, slight problem,” Michelle said as she entered her bedroom, Marissa looking up from her book, her brow furrowing at the sight of her wife. “Tara’s asleep on the couch, and short of blasting an air horn in her ear, I don’t think she’s waking up.”

Marissa sighed. “She’s exhausted.”

“That’s… what I just said,” Michelle said.

“I’ll go get her a blanket and pillow.”

“Wait,” Michelle said, her brow quirking. “She wanted to go home.”

“Are you going to carry her to the car?” Marissa said, her brows arching as she got out of bed and slipped on a robe.

“You don’t think her not coming home without a phone call is going to freak Willow out?” Michelle said, her own brows arching. “Especially if–“

“Okay,” Marissa said, holding up her hand as she slouched down to sit on the edge of the bed. After a moment thinking, she spoke. “We’ll just have to call and let Willow know that Tara’s staying here tonight.”

“And if she asks why?”

“Because she fell asleep on the couch,” Marissa said, not understanding the problem.

“Okay, do you have Willow’s number?”

“No,” Marissa said. “We can call their apartment though; she’ll pick up if she’s home, right?”

“I don’t know,” Michelle said. “I have no idea if they share the landline.”

Marissa sighed. “Let’s just call and see what happens.”

“And if she doesn’t pick up?”

“Do you want to drive over there?” Marissa asked, her brow furrowing.

“No, not especially,” Michelle admitted. “But I would freak out if I didn’t know where you were.”

Marissa nodded. “Let’s just call, and then we’ll see if we need to take more drastic measures.” Michelle nodded and watched as Marissa left the room, coming back several minutes later with her cell phone in her hand. She cycled through the menus and selected a number, then waited as the phone rang.

**************************************************************

Willow was asleep on the couch, her body sunk into the soft cushions, her red hair peeking out above the edge of her fluffy comforter. She had started the evening in her room, but it had felt claustrophobic, and far, far too close to Tara’s empty bedroom. Every second spent lying in her bed reminded her that Tara wasn’t home, and every time her bedside clock clicked over to a new, red number she felt her heart starting to constrict with worry just a little bit more. She had been so tired since returning home from seeing her mom, and escaping to the couch had been such a relief. She was only on the couch for a few minutes before she dropped off into a deep slumber.

Perhaps it was being away from Tara’s room and her awful alarm clock that allowed her to relax enough to sleep. Or perhaps it was because if she was on the couch she wouldn’t miss Tara as she came home. She’d hear her key in the lock, be able to speak to her before the blonde could run away again and she’d make things right. She’d fix this awful mess she’d made.

“Willow?”

The redhead sat bolt upright in the dark, disoriented as she looked around. She didn’t know where she was, but she swore someone just said her name.

“It’s Marissa Davis.”

What?! Willow thought, looking around the room again, blinking as she tried to adjust to the darkness. Why was Marissa in her dark apartment?

“I’m sorry about the late hour, but I just wanted to let you know that Tara is here at our place and she’s fallen asleep, so she’s going to stay the night.”

Willow was wide awake at the sound of Tara’s name. The answering machine. It was a phone call. She scampered to her feet, tripping and falling as the comforter tangled around her legs.

“She has a little work to do in the morning, but she should be home by noo–“

“Hello?” The redhead croaked, out of breath as she held the receiver to her ear. “Hello?”

“Willow?”

“Yeah, yes, it’s me.” Willow stood up and wiped a shaky hand over her face as she looked over to the microwave clock. It was just before midnight.

“Hi, it’s Marissa Davis.”

“Yeah, hi,” the redhead said, still struggling into full consciousness as she pushed flyaway hairs from her eyes.

“We were just calling so you wouldn’t worry about Tara.”

“Okay,” Willow said nodding to the empty room, her heart hammering in her chest.

“She’s fine, she just fell asleep on the couch after dinner so we thought we’d let her rest.”

“Okay,” Willow repeated, her heart slowing some as she processed that Tara wouldn’t be coming home tonight. “T-That sounds good. Thank you.”

“She has a little bit of work to do in the morning, but I don’t see why she couldn’t be home by noon or so tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Willow said again. Noon. She’d be a the airport picking up Buffy.

“I’m sure if you need her you can catch her on her cell phone in the morning.”

Need her, Willow thought, her heart aching at how much she needed the blonde. “Okay. Thank you, for calling. I really appreciate it.”

“You’re very welcome,” Marissa said. “Goodbye.”

“Bye.” Willow hung up the phone and gently placed the receiver back into its cradle.

**************************************************************

“How did she sound?” Michelle asked as Marissa hung up the phone.

“Tired,” the frizzy haired woman said as she put the phone down on her nightstand and started to remove her robe. “I think I woke her up.” Michelle smiled as she watched her wife get settled under the comforter.

“What?” The gallery owner asked as she turned off her bedside lamp, her brow quirking at the smile on her wife’s face.

“It’s Marissa Davis,” Michelle said, her voice stuffy and formal. “Marissa Davis here.”

Marissa smiled and shook her head.

“Willow?” Michelle said, removing her clothes and putting them in the hamper. “Marissa Davis on the line.”

“You don’t know how many Marissas she knows,” the gallery owner said, just shaking her head.

“Marissa Davis is on the phone,” the spike haired woman said again, walking to her side of the bed and getting under the covers. She turned off her bedside lamp and snickered at her impression of her wife until a pillow hit her square in the face.

**************************************************************

Willow slowly carried her comforter up the steps to her bedroom. There was no point sleeping on the couch if Tara wasn’t coming home tonight. She was exhausted, and needed a good night’s sleep, one that the redhead now grudgingly admitted could only come from sleeping in her bed. She knew rationally that her conversation with Buffy would probably go more smoothly if she could rest tonight, and as hard as it was to be that close to Tara’s empty room, it was somehow easier now that she knew the blonde was safe with Marissa and Michelle, getting the sleep she probably needed. She thought of Tara, asleep at her friends’ house, maybe covered up by a thin throw as she slept on a couch, and her heart ached for the blonde. How exhausted she must be, because there was no way she’d have had Marissa call on her behalf to further avoid the redhead. If Marissa said the blonde fell asleep after dinner, then that’s what had happened.

Willow entered her room and threw the comforter onto her bed. She looked around and immediately decided to unplug her clock. She moved to the opposite side of the bed and with a slight tug, cut the power to the bedside mainstay. She looked out the window, rain pinging against the glass, and wrapped her arms around herself. It was so cold. She climbed into bed and burrowed under the covers, her face the only part of her body exposed to the air. She was trying so hard to not feel disappointed, or be upset that she wasn’t going to see Tara tonight. It didn’t seem fair, when the one thing she wanted most of all was to see the girl she loved, to explain what a colossal mistake she’d made. She sighed as she stared at the ceiling. She thought she’d tell her in the moonlight. Like that night she met the blonde on the stairs when she asked if they were friends, only, this time she wouldn’t have been so tentative. She would have told Tara that she loved her, her voice absolute and strong, and then she would have begged forgiveness for what she did Friday night.

Willow sighed again and turned onto her side, her brow knit. Maybe this was for the best. She’d see Buffy tomorrow, come out and apologize for not telling her best friend the truth sooner. And then, then she’d tell Tara that she loved her. The redhead exhaled and closed her eyes, sleep catching her and dragging her conscious mind away much faster than she anticipated. Within minutes she was out, her breathing deep and even, not knowing the red clock she had unplugged would have just clicked over into a new day.

[BeMyDeputy]

Dibs!

Comments when I'm done flying.

[zampsa19752001]

Yay for excellent update-y goodness... I hope Tara calls Willow in the morning before Willow meets Buffy... I really really hope that after meeting with Buffy Willow & Tara have a cuddle-fest...

[writerfreak]

You're very welcome, I meant every word. The creative process as you wrote it was definitely incredible. I did in fact google Gerhard Richter and he is a really good artist, and if Tara is portrayed as better...wow. Regarding publishing, I can start the crusade to Joss like....now. Haha I would too if I thought it would go anywhere. I am fully in support of it should it ever happen, I'd be one of the many kittens who would RUSH to purchase that particular trilogy. I also highly approve of your inspiration no matter what it may be because this is beyond words.

Now onto the current update: Wow. Mostly speechless and anything else I could think to say I believe was addressed in my last feedback. Considering you often leave me beyond words thats about the best I can do. The interactions are incredible. Finally facing feelings on all sides, and even the disagreement between Michelle and Marissa....its exactly the way I can see relationships and disagreements. Even with fictional characters your writing is so real. It doesn't matter if they have set personalities from a tv show or are completely your own making its so real.

writerfreak

[loislane1]

Okay, now that I am on my laptop and not my Kindle I can post a more substantial response to your pretty phenomenal story. I apologize as I realize I am about to ramble but think of it as a cliff notes version of what I would have posted if I commented on every section of your story.

First off I wanted to commend you for doing such a fantastic job of painting emotions and thoughts in the written word so clearly. I appreciate writing that gets into character’s head space and delves into their thoughts and motivations that drive their actions. In Neverland you have so many examples of partially informed thoughts and misguided beliefs that have driven the angst and issues for the characters.

First the friendships between Buffy, Xander, and Willow and Buffy’s belief that Xander has been stringing Will along and the Will is in love with Xander. Seeing this misguided belief spread to Tara and to Marissa and the ramifications of such misinformation is quite powerful. Xander is a true friend as well as he continues to handle the distance between himself and Buffy while supporting Willow in a loving way, trying to get her to stand up and be true to herself without pushing too hard. I was frustrated when he originally refused to come to town for this weekend of Willow coming out but the more I have thought about it the more sense it makes. He has been a huge support to her for a few years not but she is at a place of needing to move forward on her own two feet. He is still there for her, still supporting, but not allowing Willow to use him as a crutch.

The thoughts of Tara and Willow and their actions from that Sunday in the park up till now are also quite powerful to read. Each step along the way they are making choices that they think are the best choices based on their beliefs and thoughts and in so many ways these choices have been misguided and in some cases just wrong. From the simple act of Willow not talking about work to protect Tara’s feelings (sweet but misunderstood by Tara) to the steps Willow is taking to come out before talking to Tara about her feelings the thoughts and actions make sense from each character’s perspective but act as a powerful lever to drive the story forward. I am so happy to read that they are getting closer to finally, finally, finally coming together. I was thrilled to read the scene of Tara paining the masterpiece that encompasses all of Willow’s emotions. It was amazing to see read as Tara worked through everything she thought she knew from a new perspective and realized what Willow is actually feeling, who Xander probably really is as a friend, that Willow is planning to come out, and that there really is a lot of potential despite the evil flinch when Tara tried to kiss Willow.

Your characterization of Willow really strikes a lot of nerves with me and I say that in a very good way. I’m a person who learned to survive by compartmentalizing and can really relate to what this Willow does and how she thinks. I know from personal experience it is not typically the best way to handle situations but it does make for a powerful story and character. I also understand Willow’s thoughts on coming out to parent, then best friend, then love of her life. The coming out scene between Sheila and Willow literally brought tears to my eyes. You encompassed the emotions so well with your words. I was that poster child for my parental units and knew, much like Willow did on some level, that coming out wouldn’t go smoothly. Having a parent who has placed you on some sort of display shelf get forced to face the reality that you are your own person and will live your own life can be a rough experience. And much like you are showing Willow’s journey – the realization that you don’t have to live the life everyone else (parents, friends, etc.) expect you to live can be a terrifying but ultimately liberating and freeing experience.

I hope the coming out experience to Buffy is much smoother and leads to some Buffy/Xander reconciliation as well. I’m also interested to see if Tara decides to give up some of her smaller paintings like the Fillmore to fill the slots at the LA show now that she has the two masterpieces – Sunday in the Park and the as yet unnamed one I mentally dubbed Requited Love. I would hate to see Tara default on a contract but I also believe those two master works should not be sold but should instead eventually go on display somewhere. Okay, on that note, thank you for your wonderful story. I can’t wait to read the next chapter.
-H.

[WillowRulez]

I just love how your story always seems so realistic, things we actually worry about in RL: With them wondering about the painting drying, how they were gonna move it and even Marissa & Michelle's different opinions on the "problem". I kinda expected Tara not making it home and maybe it's for the best. Also, it was very thoughtful of Marissa to call Willow. I wish Tara would realize why Willow flinched but I guess that piece of the puzzle has to be supplied by Willow herself.
I hope it will soon be morning and time to pick up Buffy - will Willow oversleep though?
Can't wait for more
ETA: I really loved "Your hand in mine", it set a certain rhythm to that update that I can't put in words. A very beautiful song.

[Grimm]

Okay.....I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Marrissa has frizzy hair .


Well, I didn't actually expect Tara would make it home. But, I'm happy to know that she WANTED to.

Loved the banter between the two loved birds.

Now, on to phase II of Operation Closet Extraction!

I really hope Buffy has a kinder response than the Shelia-Monster.

[love_2003]

Great update. I love how Tara equated Michelle and Marissa's conversation with having the angel and devil on her shoulders. I'm also glad that they decided to call Willow and let her know where Tara was. All Willow has to do now is come out to Buffy and then there are no more excuses for why she can't let Tara know how she feels.

[Bellalocke]

Heather,

I am so happy to see you posting new chapters for your work of art. I've re-read this series more times than I can say (and more times than what could be considered healthy), and it simply amazes me the artistry with which you write and express so many things. I believe that many kittens would agree with me when I say that this work is nothing short of epic. The last time I went through and re-read the story I also went through and read my comments to you about it, and I had this amazing thought. This story has been on the board for nearly a decade... and it has not been abandoned but rather it has flourished over the years. I feel like these upcoming chapters have been a long time in waiting... so much so that I often forget that the fic itself has only encompassed a few months of 'real' time at the most for our girls.

Your ability to grab an audience and pull them into this story... into the intimate details of these girls' lives is absolutely incredible. For me, you create this urgent sense and fervor to see this love story to come to fruition by taking your time to create this vivid story that takes its time and refuses to be rushed. I look forward to the upcoming chapters and seeing how all this ends. At the same time, I don't want this story to end because for me it will be the end of an era that I am happy to have been a part of.

Blessings upon you and your family during the holidays!

Bellalocke

[branny72]

I'm glad Tara has friends like Marissa and Michelle. Everyone needs at least one person in their life that looks out for them.

OMG - I love this:

“Are you asking me that because I’m a lesbian and I should automatically know the answer?” Michelle said, smiling when Marissa looked up with a frown. “Baby, we will figure this out."

I loved that Michelle was honest in telling Tara her way of seeing things. Sometimes people just need to tell you how they see it for you to get a full picture for yourself.

Thank you for an amazing story!!

~ Brandy

[fineartsmajor:)]

Hello again!

Gotta say, the new updates are a pretty good Holiday present for your readers .

I want to start out by saying the I completely agree with Bellalocke (^^ commenter 2nd above me) on all points. It's really rather astounding that this story's timeline only takes place over a short period of time. Not because the updates are staggered, but simply because of the way the story portrays all of the subtle nuances that life and so on has to offer. It's the theory of relativity in literary form lol. The times when things are carefree between the characters seem to pass in a flash. The times when things are bleak or devastating, time seems to stretch and linger. That, for me, is what makes this story so addicting. There are many veins of truth here, especially when considering the main character's abilities to constantly mess things. Because that's what real people do; we fail and misunderstand and say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. I enjoy this story's genuineness, including the fact that the main characters have yet to find themselves together based on all of their short-comings and miss steps.

To be quite honest, I am beginning to think of this story in terms of a novel. I mean if all of us readers were honest, the reason we come back to this story is because it is so compelling, well written, and heart-felt and we just HAVE to read it till they get together. If this were a published book, I guarantee it would be a piece of lesbian pop-culture. It is that good. Especially since it is AU. Don't get me wrong, we all here love the Buffy series (duh, look were we are reading this for heavens sake), but the way you set the story really makes it accessible to anyone. Wuthering Heights was boring. This piece? This is, in my humblest of opinions, a more than damn good love story. Can't wait to read what happens next.

Now that I'm done spouting my adoration of your story, sincere though it was, I want to wish you the happiest of holidays and New Years

-Andi

[SylverMaki]

Yay, thanks so much for another update. Happy Christmas to me !! It was wonderful, glad someone affirmed that they could see Willow was madly in love with Tara. I wish she'd have gone home too. But that wouldn't have interrupted the plan. Willow must come out to Buffy and eternally apologize for telling Xander and not her. Then she must confess her undying love and they live happily ever after. I just can't wait. I'm so happy for all the updates! Thanks much. Happy holidays and new year!

[kimmy_s]

Hi Heather

Thanks for another great update. I loved the interaction between Michelle and Marissa, they clearly have differing opinions/views on Willow's feelings for Tara but they didn't get into an argument just put both their views across. I love the Angel/Devil reference as that's exactly what I was thinking just before reading that line! I just hope Tara listens to Michelle and her own recent thoughts.

Can't wait for the next one.

Kim