New Fic - Neverland

[fineartsmajor:)]

"'Oh my god, he's my beard,' she thought suddenly"- single best line of this update for me. I literally laughed out loud, then reread it and laughed again. I think that's why I enjoy this story so much. The tinges of levity that are sprinkled throughout the story, which is undeniably angsty, keep this story from feeling impossibly heavy - emotionally speaking. Cuz I am, indeed, a story nerd and I get helplessly wrapped up in whatever I'm reading. You do a wonderful job of balancing the story so it both fills and breaks your readers hearts lol.

Also, though it is only IMHO, I think you do a great job at writing the characters in a fashion that is true to the shows original portrayals, despite this being an entirely AU fic. Like, as I am reading I can picture the characters actually doing and thinking these things. In fact, you even give them more character depth then what was ever represented on the show. Kudos.

However, I'm torn. Though I do want to see these poor girls to finally find each other, that would in turn mean the story would end. Then what would I do with my life? Haha no seriously though, great update. Double kudos.

-Andi

[Ayu]

Yaaaaiiiiiii!!!!! This is so great!! Thanks a loooooot for this twooo updates!! You just made my day! )

Thanks for taking the time to feed your fans Heather I hope the best for you and your family

I really love how you portrait them, and I'm soooo waiting for that happy ending!!!!! And also when Will talks with Buffy about her feelings

Thanks again for this great story!!!!

[SGL]

Omg thank you sooooo much for updating I read the whole thing in the period of two weeks and hadnt leave feedback thinking the story had been abandoned but heyyy I was glady wrong! Thank you so much for this fic and the new updates your level of comitment is remarkable! . I really love your writting style you're amazing really.

from your new Ecuadorian fic follower!

[SickSadGirl]

Oh wow. That was painful. It is nice that they didn't do so much damage that they can't live together in the present, but it clearly still has an effect on their thoughts. They're both lacking confidence, but it is mostly Willow's fear causing Tara's. I mean, those were some solidly mean things to say about a person. I fully understand why Tara is hesitant. Willow needs to realize how much she can do to the people in her life. I know it stems from feeling worthless, but after a while, that's not much of an excuse. I guess we shall see how the final evening goes and then judge the full damage, though!

Thanks for posting again so soon!

[YellowQuirkyTeacup]

Okay. Where did all my lovely comments go? I'm sure I made lovely comments on those last couple of updates.
ANYHOO! Seeing as they are nowhere to be found, YAY again about the updates! Somehow the last one came up without me noticing (?) so I will say that it is amazing as always.
Newly gay Willow is so cute! But mean as a slug. Why does she have to be so mean to Tara? It's not her fault!! (Also, recognised the reference about not coming here to be forgotten, which is in Tara's thoughts much much earlier in the story- I think it was at a party? Did you plan the conversation that long ago or do you just plan the story really well in general?)
At least I wasn't mean to people! I just cried a lot, heh heh.
Please write something in the present soonish :( I like reading about Willow and Tara's past together, but I really want to know what happens after what I have come to call Tara's Disastrous Kissing Attempt, or Tadka.
Lots of smilies

-Yellow

Oh, and that dream of Willow's in the sleeping bag?

[pipsberg]

Holy Batman & Robin!! That was some way to open an update.

Pleasure.

INDEED! So nice to get a smutty fix here, even if its rolling right into a rude awakening. As always, you do an amazing job with the naughty bits. You used the word elemental and this really captures the moment for Willow. The heat and passion is elemental, but when she wakes up its also clear that Tara and the gayness she feels for her is elemental. I loved this moment being what really woke Willow up.

Where were the tadpoles?! Willow panicked. There were always tadpoles in her dreams, or sandblasters, little flowers that sang Britney Spears songs backwards, cars that ran on whipped cream, not... She backed up. Where in the hell were the tadpoles?! It was so real. Too real.

Ah poor Willow, the veil of innocence destroyed. Bring on nights of endless sexy Tara dreams! Seriously though, this was a pretty sudden revelation for Willow so I am not suprised that she reacted the way she did. She sort of went into self-preservation mode immediately.

She wanted her so much her teeth stung...

And wow, that's just amazingly vivid. Loved how you started that paragraph that led into more rich descriptions of how much Tara wants Willow. I feel awful for Willow here because she goes almost immediately to feeling stupid, being embarrased and conflicted. Its so interesting to see the sudden realization of being gay and being in love, as opposed to the more gradual realization that I myself experienced in my late teens. I can't imagine just waking up from a dream and having that in my head. That would be amazingly scary and intense, especially coupled with the strong love she had for Tara. Not sure how I would cope with it, but being conflicted about it like Willow is definitely makes sense. As much as I would love Willow to jump Tara's bones at this point, that really doesn't fit in so many different ways. It makes sense that Willow's analytical mind would pour over her relationship with Oz and try to reconcile it with her current feelings, though it's oh so painful to read through. I loved the way you wrote the phone call - so heartbreaking for both our girls. By the way, Oz was great - exactly how I imagined his end of the conversation would go. You captured his stoic wiseness so well. But poor, poor Tara for hearing what she did. The see saw is back up again and more confusion and angst ensues. So well done. I love being kept on my toes and at least I know this is a flashback and though there are probably more ups and downs for our girls, at least I know where they are now in current time is a better place than this. Sort of

Oh my god, he's my beard, she thought suddenly, panic again slamming into her. He was her beard, and he didn't know it, and now she was going to end it with him and be, what, gay?

Hahaha. Love it.

I feel some really hard times brewing for Willow based on her immediate fear about coming out, which while very justified, seems probably more overwhelming because she's more scared of facing her own fear of rejection and the intensity that she's feeling. I can't wait to see how that plays out, which seems to be coming along soon based on where we are in present day.

Such a great update. Hot, steamy, painful, sad, funny (loved Buffy's lines btw) and depressing all in one. Not sure how you pulled all that off, but you did! Kudos, can't wait for more. Love you xoxo

[BeMyDeputy]

Okay, one 14-page paper and one visit from the in-laws later, I finally can take a breath and leave proper feedback.

Man, this update just sucked for everyone. Like, all four of the players here just come out of the situation worse.

First, wow. This update was so wonderfully done. The whole "three years ago" interlude has given me such mixed feelings. I mean, this is the foundation for the whole story, and it's hard to see that the girls have changed in the mean time without seeing what they were like then. On the other hand, it's hard to read about them being all happy in the past when I'm wondering things like what the last song is and how it changes what Tara thinks she'll come home to. And what Willow thinks about the valediction, once she can get past just staring at it.

But this I wanted to see. Like I said, I'd pieced together most of it after . . . a lot . . . of re-readings. Tara's reflection on Morgan's party, if I recall correctly, was where the line about "I didn't come here to be abandoned" was; Willow thinking about the fairy lights, and how she'd come home and torn them down when she first dreamed about Tara was another clue--she wasn't home when it happened. I remember, when I realized that what freaked Willow out had to be a dream about Tara was when I reread Neverland in preparation for visiting that very park last year. I was bouncing off the walls--it's so perfect. The dreams have been such a constant refrain in the story, and that visit that we're finally seeing sparked this whole situation; to have them overlap is beautiful. (Have I mentioned that I'm a structure dork? Because I'm a structure dork. And I love parallel structure.) And it was all terribly frustrating, because when I bounced at people about my discovery, they either a) had no clue what the fuck I was talking about, or b) disagreed with my conclusion. So, there's a little bit of "I told you so" dancing over here.

I think I may have mentioned in my feedback . . . at some point . . . that reading and writing fiction sometimes remind me of the touch of game theory a friend of mine taught me: about deducing what someone has to know because of how she acts. Well, game theory and my obsession with POV. And I think the whole dream bit is a key example: whatever happened to Willow, Tara couldn't know; what happened to Tara, Willow couldn't know. And that really helped me come up with the dream theory.

I love the conversations Tara overhears, and how what she ends up hearing is the opposite of the truth: the conversation with Oz here, and the conversation with Xander after Morgan's party. Like, if she hadn't heard these things she pretended not to hear, her life would be so much better. But she did. Twice. It's awesome. (I told you I like parallel structure.)

It's funny: even though I saw the dream coming, I hadn't really thought about the ensuing thought process about Oz. Even though I knew she was with him, and even though I knew this event would lead to, among other things, her breaking up with him. Even though there were lines about Willow not thinking or talking about Oz. I still managed to just . . . not think about Willow's reaction to her dream naturally taking her to thinking about him. But it feels obvious in retrospect. Of course that's what would happen. I'm always delighted when stories both surprise me and feel completely natural, so kudos.

One issue that I have with Willow's thought process here (though, not with your writing, because it seems to be true to a lot of people's experiences), is that sexuality isn't binary. Liking Tara does not, in fact, mean that she can't like guys, or have liked guys. There is never a "huh, I could be bi" moment, even to discard it--Willow being gay is an immutable point of canon, after all. I think that I must just be weird that, when I started noticing girls, my response was to look around and ask myself if I also noticed guys at all (curiously, the answer was "no" at the time). It's intriguing to me, because there's a more comforting middle ground for her to land on, one that doesn't involve completely rewriting this part of her identity (even if it's wrong), and she doesn't go for it. She doesn't reach for a compromise. It's easier to go with the "I'm straight" lie.

The recollection of Bryan was very good. Willow's so afraid to come out during this story--yes, it's hard, and yes, Sheila's been a nightmare--but the bit with Bryan I think helps explain why Willow is so extremely afraid. And it's totally natural for her to think of the worst case scenario, and that her friend went through it makes it harder to discount.

I love the phone call. I really like Oz, and I'm always glad of a sympathetic portrayal of him. It's hard to get him right, too: laconic and witty aren't exactly an easy pair. But this was very well done. I really felt for him when he thought Willow was calling to check up on him: it's hard to know you've broken someone's trust, and to be reminded of what you've done. And then this . . . he doesn't know it yet, but it's so much worse. And he tries: he knows Willow likes Tara, and when he pulls that out, that tidbit of how he listens to Willow and cares about her interests, and he just gets shut down. And then she hangs up before the "I love you"s. I mean, I know why she did and all, but . . . ouch. I remember fighting with a friend once over email, and when the valediction changed from "love" to nothing . . . it was more a kick in the stomach than anything else the whole fight. It's foreboding and disquieting. I really feel for him here: it's hard to be dumped because you're the wrong sex, and the runnup is miserable.

In with all that, of course, he still manages to be Oz. I loved this line:

"Just, Buffy went to a museum"

I've been thinking, since I wrote my original feedback, about Willow's "emphatic denigration" of their day at the park. And I think that's all the summary we got before this update of the precise language used. So, it could have been Buffy, I think--just not with the "stranger" and "nothing in common" wording that Willow used here, but more couched in how she'd gone all that way to see Buffy, not waste the day without her--and still left Buffy with just a "crap I screwed up" feeling, rather than a "Willow doesn't like Tara" feeling.

That it was Oz gave you a lot more room for Willow to be explicit and more vehement, and to say things she didn't mean, without having repercussions. Well, except the ones we already knew about (i.e., for Tara).


And alas, poor Tara. I mean, I knew it was coming, I knew she overheard. But yeah. Ouch. And then Willow bolting in the morning? Eesh. (Which Willow does again, after the kitten club.) Hell, middle of the night bathroom breaks don't tend to be the most clear-thinking of times, and Tara just gets this emotional blow.

I was happy to see about the drinks. I'd been wondering how the two of them would end up in the same room again after this. I mean, it just wasn't looking very likely, even though I knew it had to happen. I was glad to see Tara trying to get out of them, but without spilling any beans to Buffy.


And Buffy. I mean, she knows her friends, she knows how much trouble she'll be in for not showing up, and makes a call. And she brings her reparation doughnuts . . . and walks into a storm. I mean, she finds out that they spent the whole day together, and Willow wasn't exactly sitting around the apartment waiting for Buffy all day or anything. And yet, Willow's mad as hell. It's like going to pay for a parking ticket, and finding the person at the counter furious that you've only shown up with the amount the ticket was for.

Seeing Buffy here actually reinforces my feeling that Buffy is going to be okay when Willow does come out--confused and upset at first, but okay. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it does.


Thanks for the great update. I was so glad to see the storm.

Kate

[EasierSaid]

Kittens I wanted to publicly say thanks to xita and Kajun. I was sooooo nervous about this last update, worried that portraying Willow and Oz in a relationship (even if it was as non-sexual as could be) would be breaking the board rules, and both xita and Kajun were wonderful and prompt about communicating their interpretation of the rules, etc. So, ladies, thanks so much (I actually first asked xita about this TWO years ago!). This board is in awesome hands.

wayland Yes, things definitely went boom! I'm glad the earlier reference to her dream had you expecting this; that's awesome and really a testament to how great and observant the readers on this board are (readers like you!). It just felt like Willow's awakening was going to be a lightening strike; I couldn't see her coming into this revelation gently or gradually, you know? In this story in particular, dreams are how she deals with things she's not quite ready to deal with in real life, so it felt really natural to have that be "the spark." And yes, it's not just about Tara - Willow has absolutely had a total life shift. She really had been in neutral, life wise, for a couple of years at this point, and this dream, her realizing her feelings was like shifting into 5th gear. Life is really starting for her at this point and it's incredibly scary given the stasis she'd been in.
I'm glad you thought Oz's appearance fit. It seemed like the only person she could talk to; she needed to touch base with the life she was leaving behind, and he's pretty much the personification of that. Re: what Tara overheard... it was really hard to make it bad enough for her to be taken aback, but not necessarily so bad she'd flat out give up on Willow. Because Willow's not saying Tara's a bad person, or someone she doesn't like, just that she's someone she doesn't know and she came to SF to hang out with someone she did know (Buffy). If they hadn't had such a perfect day/night, I think Tara would have been like, "forget this." But like you said, she knows Willow, even if it's mostly second hand. She knows Willow is not a cruel person; I mean, I suspect she knows that Willow will still take phone calls from Cordelia even though there's no reason for her to (Queen C is no longer dating Xander), and that Willow absolutely would appreciate being kept company. And for Tara, it doesn't make sense that Willow was the instigator for their day to keep going. Willow wanted to eat at the Beach Chalet, she followed her into her room, she didn't want to go back to Buffy's room at the end of the night. Those things are real and fresh, and Willow's angry comment on the phone just really sticks out as the one thing that doesn't fit. And yes, it absolutely is like when they start living together. Tara does believe their connection is real, she just recognizes that there's a lot of noise in the way and she doesn't know why. She's fighting for Willow, even if she doesn't consciously recognize that.
And yes, the retaliation; more on that in this next update. I agree with you absolutely - Tara's neither saint nor doormat, and we've all said stupid things in the heat of the moment. I hope you enjoy the next bit and thank you so much for the wonderful, thoughtful feedback. So interesting and awesome to see things from your perspective. p.s. Buffy and donuts; had to do it.

Kajun So funny that Buffy has dropped in the rankings. It's like those horse race games at the fair; I imagine the Xander horse awkwardly galloping out in front by a nose. I think Buffy falls into the self-involved camp. These are her "Initiative loves me" days, so to speak, and she's really wrapped up in her life, her boyfriend, etc. I think both Buffy and Willow had a tacit understanding that Buffy going to work might mean not coming home, and Willow absolutely was fine with it until she had her dream; she flat out did not want Buffy there at dinner, when they came home, etc, so her anger at Buffy is really all over the place. Feels like she should be mad, and she's mad about other things, so she directs it at Buffy even though she couldn't have cared less that Buffy was AWOL when she was writing on Tara's back, you know?
And yes, Willow's epiphany was of the thunderclap variety. The word I keep coming back to in my mind is disoriented. She's just flat out disoriented when she wakes up, kind of like two versions of herself are fighting inside her body for control. There's straight-with-Oz-Willow and there's gay-now-lusting-loving-Tara-Willow and she's completely freaked out by both of them. As for Oz, I don't think he knows that Willow loves Tara, if only because in my mind, they haven't spent much time together since they got back together. I think they were "together," but not really, you know? I do think he was attentive when they were together, tried to keep up with what she cared about, but at that point I think Willow's descriptions of Tara were mostly, "Tara said this," not nerves or anything. She's proud of and excited by Tara, and I think that probably just came off as admiration. (Also, when he cheated Willow hadn't met Tara in the flesh yet, so I think a lot of her talking about her came later.)
Overheard conversations are the worst, no context, easy to imagine the rest, but the words she did hear - stranger, etc - are pretty tough to stomach after how much time they spent together. Tara is absolutely holding onto Willow; she knows in her heart that they have something special, even if her brain is completely confused. As for what comes next... more on that in the next update, though I don't think you're off by much! Hopefully you like what comes next, and yes, will be nice to get back to present day and help those versions of the girls (it's coming soon... well, soonish!). Thanks so much for the kind words, really awesome feedback, I appreciate it so, so much. (And thanks for your help with getting ready to post this; prompt, excellent communication, really appreciated it.)

BeMyDeputy Yay for being right and for happy dances! I'm glad at least a few people had an inkling of where things were going with the dream and the overheard conversation. As I said to Clare, such a great testament to the readers on this board. Thank you for the very kind words re: the update. I totally get that this little interlude has driven some people insanely crazy; after all, the real meat of this story is Willow's coming out and in the present day we are sooooooo damned close (relatively speaking). But I'm glad you also have enjoyed this look back. It has been an absolute blast to write - even the hard parts. I really felt like these parts were necessary. For me, Willow's coming out would only be partially satisfying without knowing how she even got started on her journey.
Amazing about the re-readings. That's just very wow, I'm truly flattered. And how funny about reading this in prep to go to the park! What did you end up seeing? Did you enjoy it? Golden Gate Park is one of my favorite places on the planet, I'm always so intrigued to hear about other people's experiences there. Thanks re: the dreams. You know, I think I wrote the first dream waaaaaaaaay back when because tarawhipped was grumbling about a lack of sexiness; I certainly never expected to do more than one, and I've always been so surprised and pleased that they turned out to be such fun, informative parts of this story. They really and truly took on a life of their own, much to the story's benefit I think. And who did you tell your hypothesis to? I'm intrigued because reading fic has always been such a solitary pursuit for me. Even though my wife reads the same fic I do (or have) we've rarely talked about the stories. (Does that make us weird? I feel like that makes us weird.) It's so neat that people actually care about this enough to talk about it!
Interesting about the game theory. I think one thing that's always interested me about writing this story is how empathetic both girls are... and how badly things still end up going sometimes because you just can't be privy to a person's inner life unless they choose to share it with you. And I agree with you, Tara definitely would be better off without overhearing these conversations. That said, I think it really has been important for her. I just think of what she thinks about this conversation with Oz years later after Willow tells her that Oz cheated on her. And what she's going to think about it when Willow reveals she's been in love with her so long. Those layers, that evolution of thought is so fascinating to me. And as for Oz, Willow calling him seemed like a very natural thing to do. He has been her romantic life for five years, and now she's having a crisis... it just seemed like she'd seek out the safe harbor, so to speak. Re: the bi thought: I think Willow does have it in her own, subtle way. When she can't connect with romantic/erotic thoughts of Xander and Oz because she's so overwhelmed by Tara, for me, that was her realizing that maybe guys just weren't getting it done anymore, you know? I mean, when her boyfriend, the man she's supposed to love and feel lust for is completely obscured by Tara's body in her mind... She's pretty sure that's the big gay clue by four. I think when she leaves San Francisco, when she heads back to Cambridge, she's going to question the bi/gay thing, but I think for her, the gay dream revelation is a lightening strike from The Big Gay Diety that she's been converted to the ladies-only side.
I'm glad you liked Willow's thought on Bryan. I think she's intimately aware of how bad things can get from his experience and that scares her to death. Willow is a good girl. She's very seldom naughty. The idea of doing something that she thinks might lead to her losing friends and/or family is pretty much the scariest thing she can think of, and Bryan is a pretty strong personification of that. I'm also glad you liked Oz. I love Oz. I do no love Oz with Willow, but I love him, and my goal with this story has always been that these are good people at their cores. As I told pipsberg, my first try with Oz's dialogue was not good. He's really hard to write because he's extremely smart, extremely dry and extremely cool. And, he loves Willow. He's been in a relationship with her for a long time. They know each other extremely well, have a shorthand that long-time couples have, and so it was important to me to try and get some of that. (I don't know if I succeeded, but it feels much closer than the first couple of tries.) It's such a tough situation. Willow doesn't want to hurt him, but she's going to, and Oz probably doesn't want to lose her from his life completely but he will because he just won't be able to handle his broken heart around her, and of course, you have to write it like you don't know any of that (other than the very first part, that Willow doesn't want to hurt him). I think it was important for Willow to have that conversation, and it was fun to write, emotional as it was.
Poor Tara indeed. She just has no idea what to think, other than she's hurt and it doesn't seem right. Willow's words on the phone are out of character and Tara knows it, so she's even more confused about why Willow would say such things anyway. Willow leaving in the morning... doesn't help the situation. And as for meeting up for drinks; more on that in the next bit.
Pretty good analogy re: Buffy. I think she thinks in her mind that whoops, that wasn't great of me but I kinda did warn Willow I wouldn't be rushing home and Willow's always happy to hang out on her computer anyway (or you know, fall in love with beautiful girls named Tara Maclay in the park) so was not calling really that bad? She has no idea there's crazy hormonal love stuff going on around her, just that there are some things (more on that in the next update) that might be troubling her best friends. Glad that you feel better about Buffy when Willow comes out. More on *that* in /mumblemumble updates.
Thanks so much for the mega feedback Kate. It was a pleasure seeing the story from your perspective and getting a chance to "talk" to you about it. I hope you like the next bit and thanks again, so much, for reading.

frazzd Wow. First of all, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I want you to know that I was totally speechless the first time I read your feedback, and that it means the world to me that you came back to post it. I hope you've found some peace in your journey; we are all so much harder on ourselves than we need to be. Life is just too short, you know? I'm really touched and flattered that you think this story helped you in any way. That's really just the ultimate compliment, and I'm humbled by it. Thank you.
Thanks so much re: sticking with the story - I have no choice, I need to finish it! Truly, it's with me every day. If I don't finish it I think I'll go nuts, haha. Thanks also for the kind words about the story. Tangled is a great way to describe how the characters are intermeshed, and yes, yes, yes it would be easier if they just talked to each other... but that's super scary and I can think of a lot of times in my life when I either didn't say something because I didn't know the whole story or because I was afraid of what the response would be. I agree about Buffy - she is bound to be hurt by being excluded. More on that in the updates in the present. I hope you like where the story goes from here, and thanks again for posting; I really, really appreciate it.

branny72 Poor Tara indeed - overheard conversations are the absolute worst, and poor dear is on the listening end of one too many in this story! Hopefully you enjoy the next update, and a soonish return to the present for them. Thanks so much!

Sanpfa It was emotional, and I don't blame you for wanting to go back to the future; very soon! I hope you liked it, and that you like the next update too. Thanks so much for reading.

Sandman78 Thank you so much! I really appreciate the kind words. Please enjoy the next update!

zampsa19752001 Amen to poor Tara; girl just can't catch a break with Willow and her damn phone. Hope you like the next update and thanks so much!

Phantasyland The constant misunderstandings and misinterpretations are brutal, I agree, but it's unfortunately how these two are coming together. (One step forward, two steps back at this point, though thankfully that will eventually change!) Hope you like the next bit and thanks so much!

HanShotFirst Thank you so much for reading all of these new updates! (And yes, super busy, but thank god for naps!) I'm really glad you're enjoying flashback land, and yes, this look back definitely gives some context to them moving in together back in presentville. Willow definitely is in a rough place; she's so mixed up that it's leaking out of her as anger. Hope you like the next update and thanks so much for the kind words.

wimpy0729 Haha, I thought I might catch some people off guard with a "quick" update. (I think anything under a month these days qualifies as "quick!") And so, so funny about pips being my tell, because I swear, most of the time she doesn't know that I'm going to update. (I like to keep her on her toes. ) Almost 10 years - oof. It can't have been that long. I so clearly remember writing each update, it just seems bizarre to think a) that I'm STILL writing what was supposed to be a short little thing and b) that I'm STILL so in love with these girls after all this time. It's amazing and I feel so lucky to still be writing this story. And don't pin those gray hairs on me, lady! I don't even take credit for my own, no way I'm taking on yours!
Re: taking time to write - I've been dying to write for a long time, so it's an absolute pleasure to have the time and brain space to get after it. I'm just thrilled that people are still interested in this story. It really means a lot that people still care. And yes to the Pepto; that last one was rough. Poor Tara indeed. Phones are not her friend, haha. Hearing one side of a phone conversation is so unfair too, because you have no idea what the other person is saying, context, history, etc. But it does not sound good, and she's totally right to be stung. Thanks re: Willow revelation. It seemed to fit this version of Willow, how unexpected and overwhelming her self-discovery would be. (I imagine Willow on the show came to her realization a lot more subtly, probably because she saw Tara on a near-daily basis, and that probably gave her lots of time to witness/process her feelings evolving.) I'm glad you thought it worked.
The next morning was hard. I feel sorry for both girls; Willow, freaking out and almost drowning in her feelings, Tara feeling rejected and sort of duped. Awful, yet through it all they're still reaching out for each other in a way. And we are getting close to real time; I think one or two updates at most until present time. Then... stuff.... THEN, monkey love. Thanks so much for the love and hugs, right back actcha!

Grimm Not only did it suck a big box of damned rocks but it can go pound sand, as well. Thanks so much re: the flashbacks, I am so glad you're enjoying them even though it meanders away from what's happening back in "the real world" and has ultimately slowed them getting together waaaaay down. Thanks re: the "quick" updates too. Definitely don't get used to them, haha, it's just worked out that I had so much pent up writing energy, small amounts of free time and inspiration. (I assume future updates will be a little slower in coming together.) And thanks most of all for being patient, even though it has taken a dog's age to get this thing written. I really, really appreciate it. Enjoy the next bit!

DaddyCatALSO Thanks so much. I really couldn't see this version of Willow coming to realize she was gay any other way; it just seemed to fit her character. As I said in a reply above, I always imagined Willow on the show coming to her realization a little more subtly, just because she had almost daily visits with Tara (and likely physical intimacy); she got to see her feelings really evolve over time, though I wouldn't be surprised if she also freaked out a touch. (Seems Willowy.) I'm glad you can empathize with Willow's wrong words. I really think she was just in full freak out mode and it seemed like the thing to say to distract herself and Oz from her feelings. If she had any idea Tara would overhear them she never, ever would have said them. "Stranger," "nothing in common..." Those things were not for Tara's ears and Willow would be mortified if she found out Tara overheard. And yes, it is very easy to question your feelings/thoughts about someone when you hear something you're not supposed to. Tara's definitely in an awkward position. Hope you like what happens next, and thanks so much for the feedback!

love_2003 Thanks so much, and have no fear, this is Pens, of course everything will work out in the end! I'm really glad you're enjoying the flashbacks; they've been a real joy to write, even though these final two have been emotionally taxing. So glad you liked Buffy bringing the donuts. For some reason that image really struck me as kind of funny. Hope you like the next update and thanks so much.

kimmy_s Thanks so much for reading. I can't believe I've been writing for this long and that people are still reading, too! It amazes me every day. I really appreciate everyone for sticking with this story. Talk about dedication! I'm glad this chapter helped fill in some blanks for you. It's so tricky, because what she said was awful... but it wasn't intended to be mean, and it certainly wasn't intended for Tara's ears. It was a totally heat-of-the-moment oops and Willow has NO idea how badly it changed their relationship. I really hope you like the next bit, and where the story goes from here. Thanks Kim!

fineartsmajor:) I'm glad you liked the beard line - that thought was so absurd and Willow, it just fit. Thanks so much for the very kind words about keeping the story from being too angsty, and re: the balance. That balance is one of the most important things to me in any story, and I appreciate you think I have it here. I can't read stories that are relentlessly tied to one emotion; that's not life. Life is up and down and all over the place. And that's more fun to write, honestly. I like Willow and Tara being lovey dovey and I like them struggling to go deeper and find out more about themselves and each other. I don't think I'd still be writing this story this many years on without that. And thanks re: the characterization. I have a lot of fun touching back to the show; it's really important to me that these not just be two people named Willow and Tara, you know? I'm very flattered that you think I'm doing a good job! And I feel you about the story ending; I have the same feelings... but I'm so excited about them getting together. It'll be okay. Thanks Andi, hope you like the next bit!

Ayu Thanks so much! I'm really glad you liked the last two updates. They'll head back to the present - and Willow's coming out - pretty soon; hang in there! Hope you like the next bit and thanks so much.

SGL Wow, Ecuador; the Internet is a wonderful place. Thank you so much and two weeks - that's crazy. I really appreciate it, as well as the feedback. Hope you like the next update and thanks again.

SickSadGirl I know, very painful. And yes, they still manage to live together, so it's not toooooo bad.... though yes, this last update and the next will definitely color how they interact back in the present. They are definitely lacking confidence; Tara being burned before and Willow just freaking the eff out about discovering her gayness. I don't think she was being mean when she said Tara was a stranger, but it certainly doesn't sound good, especially when it's Tara that over hears it. If Willow knew Tara was going to hear those words I can guarantee she never would have said them. She's clueless to a point about how she impacts others, but she's not a cruel person. She's no Harmony/Cordelia (high school version). Hope you like the next update and thanks so much for reading.

YellowQuirkyTeacup Oh no, missing lovely comments. Perhaps a board monster? Thanks so much for the kind words; I'm glad you liked the last few updates, even if this one snuck up on you! I'm glad that you think Willow is cute, however, I don't think she's mean, and she's definitely not trying to be mean to Tara. She'd be beside herself if she knew that Willow overheard her saying she was a stranger; truly it'd break her heart. Also, everyone's coming out is different; this is just Willow's. It's sudden and messy and she's just trying her best to navigate it.
Re: the forgotten comment, yes, Tara did think about it earlier and definitely didn't plan this story out! I have a general idea of what I want to happen, events that I think they'd experience and then I just sort of meander from bit to bit. I really did think when I started this story it would be 6 or 7 updates long and that'd be it. Once I realized that it would be a longer story I peppered the updates with things that I thought I might like to write about later, and then I've gone back to mention them or flush them out. Hope you like the next update, and back to the present very soon. Thanks!

pipsberg Well you know, best to open with a bang! (That sounds dirty.) Thanks so much. I'm glad you liked the elemental bit; it felt really important that Willow's dream wasn't just lust. She recognizes very early on that the feelings she has for Tara - though insanely erotic - are also extremely deep. I think for me that's my favorite part of their pairing; they are in love and in lust in equal parts. And innocence destroyed indeed with that dream. The paragraph that had the 'teeth stung' line was one of my favorites to write in this update; it really was just Willow unleashing feelings and thoughts that she had severely hidden. Re: Willow's sudden revelation vs. a more gradual one; I think one reason why Willow reacts so strongly is because it isn't just about being attracted to women, or Tara, or having to face eventually coming out, it's all of that at once. That has to be terrifying for her.
I'm glad you liked the phone call. It felt like the most natural thing in the world that Willow would call Oz. I'm really, really glad you liked Oz. The first pass at that conversation was very lacking, and it was because of Oz. Turns out he is extremely difficult to write, because the default is to be almost monosyllabic, but he's not. He's funny, charming, dry, cool, and he is much more than just the quip with Willow. I actually went back and watched a few Oz-heavy scenes in Phases to try and get a better handle on him. I don't know if it worked, but the Oz I ended up with felt much more Oz-y than the first version. (I always liked Oz before Tara came on the scene, so I wanted to try and get at the guy I liked in S3.) And poor Tara indeed. She truly has the worst luck with Willow's phone conversations. I keep reminding myself, through this next update and the last, that things work out. They live together, they fall even deeper in love and eventually they will have hot monkey love. It makes the harder parts bearable.
I think you're right about Willow. I mean, obviously she has three years of closet-living ahead of her, and so much of that is just fear of the reaction of others. Thanks so much, I appreciate the kind words, especially given your current sickly state. Love you xoxo

[EasierSaid]

Title: Neverland
Author: EasierSaid
Feedback: Yes, please.
Spoilers: None.
Setting: AU. There is no Hellmouth, there is no slayer and no magic of the wicca variety. Just our girls and the rest of the Buffy characters living and loving in that great city by the bay, San Francisco.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Please don't sue me Mutant Enemy.
Notes: Last one...

Thoughts in italics

PART 67

Three years earlier


She had stared at the hours stenciled onto the glass door for what felt like an eternity. '11 am.' What stores opened at 11? She looked left to right, realizing with quiet amazement that the entire neighborhood was still asleep, every shop door locked up tight. She walked aimlessly down the sleepy street, crossing when she remembered the little bookstore she had liked the other day. Again, she found the doors locked. '10 am.' Better, but still a long wait. She sighed and crossed the street again. She could go to Pork Store, but the thought of a heavy breakfast made her feel ill, so she meandered down the street until she came to People's Cafe. She entered, ordered a mocha and then sat alone at a table for two along the wall.

She drank her mocha slowly, tiny sips between heavy thoughts, until the liquid was cold and sludgy at the bottom. Who was she? She felt like she barely recognized parts of herself. Her mind kept replaying words and actions that when seen in hindsight—through the prism of her newly acknowledged feelings for Tara—were humiliating and perplexing. And this morning, when Tara had asked her if she was angry with her... How, how had she managed to give that impression? It hurt her heart that Tara thought that for even a second, and she hoped beyond hope that the blonde had been reassured by her denials.

Willow rubbed a hand across her brow, her eyes tired, her head holding a dull ache. She kept coming back to her conversation with Oz last night. How naive, how ridiculous that she had honestly thought talking to him would "fix" anything. And how she had talked on the phone, what she said? She was so ashamed. As if Tara could ever be a stranger. She had just panicked, worried that Oz could tell that she wanted the blonde. She shook her head. Tara was familiar, warm and she felt herself around the blonde in a way that she had never felt before. It was as if spending time with the blonde revealed the realest version of herself, and she liked that person. The whole day in the park, she was dorky, she was awkward, she was everything that she usually tried to hide around new people and Tara stayed. She laughed. She treated her as someone special and dear. A stranger? It couldn't have been further from the truth.

And blaming Buffy for her feelings toward Tara... The redhead let loose a low, frustrated sigh. She'd had feelings for Tara for so long, they would have eventually come to light; Buffy ditching her for Riley yesterday only sped things along. This anger she felt, this stupid, irrational anger, was so completely misdirected. She should be thanking Buffy for staying away, for giving her time with the blonde, time that turned out to be the most precious she'd ever spent with another person. If anyone she should be angry with herself. She had buried her affection for Tara so deep that she didn't even know it was there until last night. If she had just paid attention from the moment they met, allowed herself to be open to her thoughts, her feelings, she wouldn't have been so blindsided. Her brow knit. Would she have even gotten back together with Oz after he cheated if she'd had any inkling that being with Tara down the line was a possibility?

She felt so out of control. The desire to kiss Tara had almost overwhelmed her last night, and that scared her. She was scared of the actual act, of kissing a girl, of crossing a line that she was terrified of crossing for so, so many reasons. And cheating. She swallowed hard. She couldn't cheat on Oz. She still felt the shame of her indiscretion with Xander sharply. It tore her up inside; that wasn't the person she wanted to be, that she was in her heart of hearts. Every single day after Oz cheated on her, every time she thought poorly of him a little voice inside her head reminded her that she did it first. Not to the degree he had—what he had done violated her trust in a way that she almost couldn't forgive—but she had broken his heart first and despite that he had given her another chance. She loved Oz. Maybe not in the way that she should as his girlfriend, but she couldn't break his heart again, not like this. And, if she was lucky enough to have Tara return her feelings she couldn't, wouldn't, start a relationship with her like this. As the other woman, some, secret. She respected Tara too much, respected Oz, herself, too much to even think of letting things get so out of control. Kissing Tara wasn't an option. She felt her resolve face forming. She flat out would never cheat again.

So where did that leave her, other than on the verge of tears in a strange coffee shop, thousands of miles from home? She didn't know. She didn't know what her future held and it was so frightening. So much more frightening than having to choose between more school or a job. She was in love with a girl, a precious, gorgeous, amazing girl, who might not feel the same way, and who had her own life here, in San Francisco. If she did end things with Oz, how would she start things with Tara? If Tara even wanted to... The redhead thought with a heavy sigh. She thought about telling her friends, telling her family that she loved the blonde and her stomach turned because she knew she was afraid of their reaction, afraid that she would come out, risk herself and it might not work. She might not get the girl. She might lose everyone. And that thought, that crushing, suffocating thought, made her worry that she'd never be brave enough to do anything about her feelings. That she might lose Tara before she could even try to win her heart because she was a coward.

She swallowed hard. After this trip she needed to go back to Cambridge, back to the security of her life and figure things out. She'd start her master's degree, put her head down and think. She'd have Bryan, she'd have the comfort of routine and time and space would give her the clarity she needed. And in a few months, if her feelings were still as strong, she'd begin the scary process of letting others in on her revelation. She let out a shaky breath, tears stinging her eyes. She thought of Tara, how beautiful she was, how wonderful, and the thought of not telling her that she loved her the very second she saw her next wounded her. Going back to Cambridge, waiting, it was safe. Smart. But god did it feel wrong.

"Hey."

Willow looked up, surprised to hear her best friend's voice. "Buffy," she said, looking at the girl standing next to her table. "How did you find me?"

"There are only like three places open over here right now and I figured you'd head for a mocha," the petite blonde said. Her best friend looked miserable. "I am so sorry Will."

The redhead just wearily shook her head. She was so tired. "It's okay, Buff."

"Really?" Buffy fished as she slid into the chair across from the redhead. "Because I don't think I'd blame you if you actually did want to go though all of the synonyms for 'bad friend'."

Willow again shook her head. Her mind was a jumble, her heart overtaxed. "I'm just grumpy gal this morning," she said, already sick with lying.

"I should have called."

"Yup," Willow said with a slight head bob, that misplaced anger surfacing. She gave you the day, the redhead reminded herself, her heart softening toward her old friend. "But I understand why you didn't. It's okay, really."

Buffy nodded toward the mug in front of Willow. "Do you want another one? Shoe Biz doesn't open for a while."

"'11 am,'" the redhead said, repeating what she had read earlier. "Slackers." She smiled slightly when she saw the petite blonde smile. "Sure. But decaf?"

"That's a first," Buffy said, her brow knitting. "You okay?"

No, Willow thought shakily. She lightly sighed, forcing a smile to her lips. "My tummy's a little iffy," she said, tacking on, "probably not enough sleep." It was about as honest as she saw herself getting.

"How late did you and Tara hang out?" The petite blonde asked rhetorically, a large grin on her face. "Okay, decaf mocha on me. Be right back." Buffy quickly stood and walked to the counter. The redhead sighed, steeling herself for the day, her mind and heart still swirling.

After an hour spent in People's chatting about nothing in particular they walked the neighborhood, shopping in earnest once the stores opened their doors. After a couple of hours and a light lunch at Cha Cha Cha's, Willow asked to head home for a nap, using yesterday's walking as an excuse for her fatigue. Buffy made a joke about getting out from behind her computer now and again and the redhead had wearily smiled. She wasn't worried about running into Tara—Buffy explained they wouldn't see her again until they met at the bar—and the redhead was asleep within 15 minutes of being home, her busy mind crashing hard. She woke in the early evening and showered, getting ready with butterflies crashing around in her stomach, Buffy's bouncy voice keeping her minimally distracted as they watched TV and checked emails.

It was on the walk over to the bar that if finally sunk in that the first time she'd see the blonde since the morning was going to be in a crowded room. It was for the best, she thought. She was far less likely to do something foolish like kiss the girl in a crowd. No. She'd be pleasant. Friendly. She'd smile and hopefully make Tara smile, and at the end of the night she'd retreat to Buffy's room and the blonde would see that she hadn't been angry that morning, but rather just an awkward, slightly-miffed-at-her-AWOL-best-friend tourist eager to start the day. She could do this, the redhead thought to herself. She could do this.

*************************************************************************

It was one of Buffy's favorite places in the Haight. The establishment's walls were painted a rich red to compliment large sections of oak paneling, and the bar was an impressive piece of dark, polished woodwork. A large mirror sat behind the bar and light from two ornate chandeliers illuminated the space, radiating a warm glow on an impressive selection of booze. The two girls ordered drinks and then settled into a high-backed oak booth outfitted with gold velvet cushions.

After chit chatting about the bar's ornate decor and eclectic patrons, Buffy evaluated her old friend. "Is everything okay with you and Oz?" she asked.

Willow's brow furrowed and she felt her skin go cold. "Why do you ask?" She croaked. She self-consciously brushed a lock of hair from her face; was her gayness showing?

"No reason," Buffy breezed. "You just haven't talked about him much since you've been here."

"Oh," the redhead said, relieved that that's all it was. Buffy was right though, she hadn't talked about Oz, not nearly as much as she probably should.

"But things are okay?" The petite blonde gently led.

Willow's mind swam. No things are not okay, she thought desperately. She looked at her best friend and struggled. She thought about how nice it would be, to have someone to confide in... But she couldn't talk about her feelings, not until she'd had time to sort through them. They were too new, too confusing. "He's not coming out this week, to Sunnydale." She darted her guilty eyes from Buffy's face and took a drink. It wasn't a lie and her old friend would find out soon enough.

"Why?" Buffy asked surprised.

"Band stuff," the redhead replied with a shrug as she looked back up. She wondered if she sounded indifferent, or maybe even relieved. She probably should sound hurt.

"And... you're okay with that?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah," the redhead said. She opened her mouth to tell Buffy that she thought it was over, that she couldn't imagine their relationship continuing, but when she thought of the inevitable question, "Why," she started to panic. Because I think I'm in love with Tara. She swallowed hard and forced a smile onto her lips. "More time with you and Xander."

"Yeah, about that," Buffy said.

"You're still going, right?" Willow asked, worried. "Cause, I sort of don't have a ride if you don't."

"No, I'm all with the going," the petite blonde quickly reassured. "I just think we should leave early tomorrow. Beat the rush."

"Okay," Willow said, brow knitting. "That seems–"

"Oddly motivated?"

"I was going to say so very unBuffy, but yeah."

"It's like ripping off the bandaid," the petite blonde said with a slight shrug of her shoulders. "Get up, get home, get on with two weeks with my bratty little sister and no boyfriend."

Willow smiled slightly, grateful for safer waters. "Dawnie is going to be so happy to have you home."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "I think her exact words were, 'nobody wants you to visit, you know.'"

"Aw, she doesn't mean it," The redhead said, her smile growing. "She's probably been, X-in' out the days on her calendar with a big red marker."

"You and I know very different Dawns," Buffy said squinting her eyes, an amused smile pulling at her lips.

"She misses you, Buff. She just shows it in a–"

"Borrowing-clothes-without-asking-and-then-staining-them way?"

"She's a teenager," Willow said patiently. "Remember how hard it was to be that age?"

"I was never that annoying," the petite blonde said, taking a drink.

Willow rolled her eyes, remembering quite a few times (usually with Faith by her side) that Buffy had challenged for the "Most Annoying" crown in high school.

"Oh god, Riley," Buffy said, her eyes growing wide as she looked past Willow to the door.

Willow turned to see a beaming Riley approaching them, a couple of similarly built men following him in from the street. "Um, who are the muscley guys?" Willow asked, turning back to face the petite blonde.

"Riley's friends Graham and Forrest," Buffy said apologetically. "They were joking around yesterday that they wanted to throw me an impromptu going away party; I didn't think they were serious."

"Oh," Willow said, a slight furrow appearing in her brow. "I sort of thought that we were going to hang out tonight. You know, just us girls." Her eyes went wide in alarm. "Not that theres's anything wrong with boys–"

"We are," Buffy interrupted with a smile. She turned her attention to Riley as he walked up to their table, his friends drifting off toward the bar. "Riley," she said, standing to head him off.

"Hi," the tall man said as he leaned down to kissed Buffy. He then smiled at the redhead. "Hey Willow."

"Hey," she said politely, looking from him to the blonde.

"Do you guys want a pitcher? Or would you prefer little drinks with umbrellas?" Riley asked with a large smile.

Buffy looked to Willow sheepishly before turning back to her boyfriend. "Riley, can I talk to you for a minute?" The petite blonde began to push him off to the side. "I'll be right back Will."

Willow raised her brows and then turned back to her drink. She took a sip through the little red straw and coughed slightly. The bartender sure had been generous with the alcohol. She tapped her foot on the floor, tapped her fingers on the table, her nerves starting to flood her slight frame. She checked her watch. Tara was late.

"Hey, sorry," Buffy said, sliding back into her seat across from the redhead. "Taken care of."

Willow arched her neck and spotted the large men standing by the bar. "Yup," she said, watching as Riley's friends handed him a beer. "He's walking right out that door."

Buffy frowned at the men and then looked back to the redhead.

*************************************************************************

Tara walked past the bar twice before deciding against flaking. She couldn't do that to Buffy, not when the girl genuinely wanted her there to celebrate another year in the books. It had been their tradition from their dorky freshman days, and she couldn't just bail because she was conflicted about Willow.

The blonde had spent the entire day on campus to try and keep distracted. She organized the studio she had to move out of in two weeks, and helped a former professor sort through the art department's binders of slides. She did everything—everything—she could think of to avoid dwelling on her feelings for Willow, and none of it worked.

The blonde's brow furrowed heavily on the bus as she rode back to the Haight. She had too much going on in her life right now for Willow. Her dad was sick, her brother lashing out. She had her studio to sort through, her last few units before she graduated to line up. Where to live after graduation, how, to live on sporadic art sales—that was her life. Willow was a fantasy, even if it felt like the realest connection she'd ever had. Her feelings for the redhead were absurd and inconvenient and she couldn't think of anything else.

Tara took a deep breath as she opened the bar's front door. She walked in quickly, scanning the space for her roommate and Willow. It was the girl's red hair that she spotted first, and she felt her heart skip a beat, her memory immediately flashing to seeing Willow at Massawa's days before. How innocent that meal had been, how different her life had been, it being before her love for the redhead had consumed her life. She took another deep breath and headed toward the booth, suddenly self-conscious about the skirt and black three-quarter length shirt she was wearing. She should have gone home and changed.

"Hey," Tara said softly as she came up to the two seated girls.

"Hey," Buffy said brightly.

Willow smiled tightly as she looked up at the beautiful blonde, her earlier confidence fading. She was going to say something stupid, do something awkward, she could feel it. Why did she have to be such a spaz?

"All done?" The petite blonde asked her roommate, scooting over so the girl could sit next to her.

"Yeah," Tara said softly as she sat next to her best friend. She met Willow's eye and they shared a weak smile. Willow was wearing a green shirt, and it complemented her eyes perfectly.

"Was campus totally dead?" Buffy asked, taking another sip of her drink.

"It was quiet," Tara confirmed. She glanced at Willow, who was looking at the table, the wall, anywhere but at her. The blonde internally sighed and looked to Buffy. "Did I um, did I see Riley at the bar?"

"Yes," Buffy said, rolling her eyes. "He and the guys showed up to throw me an impromptu going away party."

The blonde's brow knit. "Th-They know you're coming back in two weeks, right?" Tara teased, her half smile emerging.

Willow smiled to herself as she stared at her drink.

Buffy nodded, grinning gamely. "I told him that I was hanging out with my two best friends tonight though and that he needed to shoo."

Tara raised her brows and Buffy turned sheepish.

"Eventually. They're just finishing their drinks and then they're moving on."

The blonde silently opened her mouth, 'ah.' She looked to the redhead across the table and took a silent breath, gathering her courage. "Did you get your shoes?" She asked Willow, hoping an innocuous question would draw the redhead out.

Willow looked up, wide eyed. Tara was talking to her. She nodded, nerves constricting her vocal chords.

"Orange with blue stripes," Buffy said playfully. "They are about the most Willowy shoes you can buy."

Tara smiled sadly. The redhead was so different from their day together. The blonde turned her attention to her roommate. "What else did you do today?"

"We shopped for a bit," Buffy said. "I got those pants with the embroidered flowers I was looking at last week and then we went back to the apartment for a much needed siesta."

Tara nodded. "You um, you probably needed it," she teased, looking to the petite blonde.

"Don't look at me," Buffy said, before gesturing toward the redhead. "You wore her out."

"Oh," Tara said, looking down to her hands and then up. She pressed her lips together thoughtfully. That, or Willow was tired from being on the phone with Oz in the middle of the night...

"And speaking of wearing someone down; Jess said hello." Buffy looked to her roommate and arched her eyebrows as she took a sip of her drink, waiting for a response.

Buffy's tease hit the redhead like an arrow. Her head snapped up, her gaze locking on Tara. She'd seen the blonde's face quirk when Buffy mentioned the new girl's name out of the corner of her eye, and Willow's interest was piqued. "Who's Jess?" she asked. Both Buffy and Tara turned, surprised, to look at the until-then silent girl.

"Only this hottie who's been crushing on Tara all semester," Buffy explained, teasing her roommate. "Total Bryce Dallas Howard look alike and genuine, 100% lesbian."

"Buffy..." the blonde said quietly, her face reddening. Not now. She couldn't talk about this now.

"You don't like her?" Willow asked, staring at the blonde. She felt her heart in her throat. The thought of Tara with anyone but her made her feel sick.

The blonde felt put on the spot by the nakedness of the question. "N-No, she's nice. She's just, n-not my type."

"You have a type?" Buffy asked, amused. "Besides mythical?"

"Buffy..." Tara said again, her voice warning. The timing of this line of teasing could not have been worse, not with how vulnerable she felt in front of Willow. She felt the redhead's curious gaze trained on her.

"What's your type?" the redhead asked, unable to look away.

Tara dropped her eyes and shook her head, silently begging out of the question. The questions—why did Willow care?—the blonde thought annoyed, still stung by the girl's 'stranger' comment.

"Oh come on," Buffy nudged. "At least give me a hint so I can screen better..."

Tara looked up self-consciously, her face hot under the two girls' gazes. What Willow said on the phone burned inside of her, and she spoke, her words uncharacteristically stutter-free despite the turmoil in her mind as she recited off the girl of her high school dreams. "Brunette, olive complexion, artistic..."

The redhead listened intently, the blonde's words unknowingly etching into her soul. "Not Jess," Willow said, her gaze still trained on the blonde. And not me... she thought. The redhead was stung by the realization, the pain further confusing the girl.

"No," Tara said, looking Willow directly in the eye. Not you... she thought pettily, wishing with all of her bruised heart that it was true.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "As I said, mythical." She paused to sip at her drink. "You should call her anyway. Might surprise you."

The blonde shot Buffy a look and then rolled her eyes. "I have to go to the bathroom." She stood without another word and then disappeared toward the back of the building.

Willow watched her go and then turned to Buffy. "'100% genuine lesbian?' As opposed to...?"

"Bi-curious experimenters or straight sorority girls looking to put on a show for their boyfriends." Willow looked lost. "Tara doesn't do straight girls," Buffy explained. "Well, she doesn't 'do' anyone, but especially not straight girls. Unless you flash some serious girl-on-girl cred, she's not interested. Allegedly."

"Oh," the redhead said. The room felt hot; she felt dizzy.

"What happened with Jill..." Buffy said softly. "I get it."

Willow just nodded, a lump in her throat. Tara's perfect girl... She couldn't have been cut down any harder. "Brunette, olive complexion, artistic..." She self-consciously brushed her fingers over the freckled skin on her cheek, and over to the ends of her red hair. She wasn't it. What Tara wanted. Her brow furrowed and her heart hammered in her chest as the look Tara gave her when she described her perfect girl replayed in her mind, the girl's brilliant blue eyes boring into her soul.

And it all felt so surreal. Like yesterday wasn't real. Some dream, some fantasy that she got to live out where Tara was hers. Because that's what it had felt like, that the blonde had been hers. "Brunette, olive complexion, artistic..." The effortless conversation, the way they had shared secrets and faults without fear of the other girl disappearing or judging... And now the promise of that was gone, because Tara had a type? "Brunette, olive complexion, artistic..." She thought about the look Tara had given her as they held hands on the grass in the tulip garden, the blonde's kind blue eyes sparkling. "Brunette, olive complexion, artistic..." And the look Tara gave her as her hand ran over her stomach last night, so honest and intense. "Brunette, olive complexion, artistic..." Willow's brow furrowed. The look tonight...

"I have to go to the bathroom," Willow said absently, standing and walking away from the table without waiting for a reply.

"O, kay," the petite blonde said to nobody. She sighed and took a sip of her drink, rolling her eyes as she saw Riley start to make his way to her.

*************************************************************************

Tara exited the bathroom. She was so embarrassed. What was she doing? Did she really just try to get back at Willow for calling her a stranger by describing her "perfect girl?" Willow, who was straight with a boyfriend? The redhead didn't care about her love life, though she sure asked enough questions about it, the blonde grumbled, her face burning. Or had she said it to try and convince herself that it was still true? But it's not! Her mind screamed. Maybe in high school, maybe she did tend to notice brunettes more, or gravitate to artists more, but yesterday her world changed. Willow. Willow was everything, the only thing that made her heart jump and soar. Willow, who she suspected didn't have an artistic bone in her body. Willow, who she suspected burned on cloudy days. Willow, whose bright red hair... Was walking right toward me... Tara's brow furrowed in confusion.

The blonde forced a tight, polite smile to her lips, thinking the redhead was going to pass her on the way to the bathroom, her face twisting in confusion as the girl stepped in front of her.

"Hey," Willow said nervously, blocking the blonde's path in the narrow hallway leading between the bar's main room and bathrooms. "Heading back to the table?"

"Yeah," Tara said, noticing that the girl wasn't moving out of her way.

"Cool," the redhead nodded.

The blonde raised her eyebrows as she waited for the redhead to speak or move. She was impatient to get back to Buffy, have her one drink and then head home.

Willow stood mute before the girl she loved, her eyes wide, fingers twisting. She wanted to apologize for this morning, apologize for asking about her love life, apologize for what she said on the phone (though that would be ridiculous because Tara didn't even know about it). But when she tried to put words together into meaningful sentences they fell apart between her brain and mouth. She just wanted yesterday again. The intimacy, the joy. The burgeoning friendship and the happy flutters—she so desperately wanted the happy flutters. She looked into the blonde's cloudy blue eyes and wondered if she'd ever experience that feeling of having Tara as hers again. "So, have you come here a lot?" Way to lead with a cheesy pick up line, Willow realized with a internal face palm.

"Um, a couple of times," Tara replied, unsure where this was going.

"It's pretty cool," Willow plowed on. "And not a pillar in sight!" She smiled.

She's referencing last night? Tara looked at the girl confused. Her heart hammered in her chest. She so desperately wanted Willow to be recognizable, that adorable, open girl who stole her heart the previous day.

"Cause, with the pole dancing..." The redhead trailed off. Tara was acting strange. Standoffish. Had she really hurt her feelings this morning? Had the blonde not believed her when she had told her she wasn't mad? "Bad joke."

"I got it," the blonde said, her face softening, her guard slipping.

"It actually reminds me of this place in Cambridge my friend Amanda likes," Willow continued. "Same decor."

Tara looked around, stepping aside as someone squeezed past her in the narrow corridor. Willow looked in no hurry to move, and the blonde's brow furrowed. Did she really walk over here just to talk to me?

"Ordering a drink was a little intimidating," the redhead admitted sheepishly, hoping that if she just kept talking things would get back to what they'd had in the park, that their easy rapport would return. "There are a lot of choices. I got a rum and coke. It was pretty rummy."

The blonde felt her guard slip further. How did Willow do it? The redhead was capable of getting under her skin so quickly. Nobody had ever had this effect on her before. "I think they're actually known for their rum selection," she said, her tense frame relaxing.

"Really?" Willow said, smiling brightly. The blonde was talking. "Weird that Buffy would like this place then."

Tara smiled widely, knowing exactly what Willow was referring to. "I think she just likes the velvet seats."

Willow smiled brightly. She looked over her shoulder and back. "I can't believe Riley showed up," she confided.

And Tara felt herself close up. Did the redhead really want to talk to her, or was she upset with Buffy and using her? "I don't blame him. He's going to miss her." The blonde sighed. "You know how boyfriends are," she said, her head bowed. She immediately regretted the petty remark.

Willow's brow furrowed and her stomach turned. "Yeah, I do..." she admitted, and for a split-second she felt so incredibly guilty. Oz, back in Boston, worried that she thought he might be cheating on her while she stood in a bar flirting with her best friend's roommate. Tara looked up and they met each other's eye, and Willow's guilt, her confusion, instantly evaporated as all of the love and lust she felt for the girl exploded inside of her. Her dream roared through her mind and she fought back a gasp, the memory of what she did to Tara, what Tara did to her, made her legs weak. "Tara," she said ardently. Someone walked down the narrow hallway toward the bathroom and Willow placed her hand on Tara's hip and guided her to the side. She didn't let go once they stopped. It felt so natural to be touching the blonde. Right. "I." She stopped. She didn't know what to say.

"What?" Tara said softly, her skin burning where Willow's hand rested lightly on her hip. She was so confused, so conflicted, but there was something there in the way Willow looked at her, touched her. "What?" She repeated, her voice quietly urgent. Please tell me what's going on.

Willow swallowed hard, her voice caught in her throat. "I just," she started, her fingers flexing slightly. "I–"

"Hey Willow."

Willow just about jumped out of her skin at the sound of the tall man's voice; she took a large step back, burying her hands beneath her arms when she noticed Riley smiling next to her.

"Sorry, did I startle you?" The tall man said, a wide grin on his face as he looked between the two women.

"Nope," the redhead said, flustered, her heart beating out of control. "Why, why would you think that?"

Tara watched it all with detached fascination. The way Willow was standing, her face unreadable.

"Well, I just wanted to say goodbye," the tall man said, the grin never leaving his face as he again looked between the two girls, his eyes lingering on Tara's face briefly for a clue as to what he had walked into. "Me and the guys are gonna head out. Buffy's made it clear that we are persona non grata."

"Okey dokey," Willow said nervously, actively willing her cheeks to return to a normal color, her heart to stop racing before she dared look at Tara. "Bye then."

The blonde was stunned. She couldn't tell if Willow was embarrassed to have been caught with her hand on her hip, or annoyed with Riley that their conversation had been interrupted, but either way the girl was refusing to meet her eye and it made her feel... Like some stranger. Tara's face reddened. What was she doing? Her dad was sick, her brother about to spiral out of control and Willow was leaving. She was leaving. Why was she standing here trying to wait for Willow to notice her? "See you later Riley. Willow," she said as she quickly excused herself, brushing past the redhead with a tight smile as she made her way back to the table.

Willow stood mouth slightly agape, shocked by how quickly Tara left.

"Did I interrupt something?" Riley asked, his smile turning sheepish.

Willow looked to the tall man, surprised to see him still standing there. "No," she lied. "I was just, heading to the bathroom."

*************************************************************************

Tara walked with purpose toward Buffy, who sat in the booth alone sipping her drink. She was leaving. She didn't have time for this, whatever this was with Willow. She was ashamed of herself for lying about her perfect girl, humiliated that the redhead wouldn't meet her eye in the hallway after whatever that was. She felt short of breath and flush.

"B-Buffy, I'm going to leave," Tara said, her face screwed up apologetically as she came to a stop next to the booth. She felt like her heart was slamming into the sides of her chest, and she knew her cheeks must be red.

"What?" Buffy said surprised. "Tara, I'm sorry about Jess, I was only joking–"

The blonde shook her head. "I'm not mad," she said in her most reassuring voice. She didn't want this conversation to drag on. "It's just been a long day and I really want to go home and rest."

"But we haven't even had our celebratory drink yet."

"A-Another time, w-when you get back?" the blonde said, casting a quick look to the bathrooms. "I'm just r-really tired."

The petite blonde pouted. "We're leaving really early tomorrow so I might not see you again before we go."

"Oh," Tara said, suddenly doubting leaving. She probably wouldn't see Willow again, not for a very long time... She shook her head, remembering why she wanted to leave. Her bruised heart, her spinning mind. She couldn't stand to become even more confused. "T-That's okay, you'll be back soon."

"Did you say goodbye to–"

"B-By the b-bathroom," Tara said, shooting another nervous glance to the bathrooms. It wasn't a lie, she had said goodbye, in a way, as she brushed by the redhead, however it wasn't exactly true either given her leaving for the night. But if she stayed, she might get drawn in again, and if she got drawn in again...

"Are you sure you can't stay?" Buffy tried one more time. "Just one drink, a half an hour tops."

"I'm sorry," the blonde said regretfully. "A r-raincheck," she promised.

"Okay," the petite blonde said with a good-natured smile. "I'll miss you." She stood and hugged the blonde.

"Me too," the girl said, hugging her friend. "For two whole weeks," she teased, trying to leave things on a good note with her roommate. She didn't want the girl to offer to come back to the apartment with her, with Willow. "Have fun with Dawn," the girl instructed as she pulled away.

"Oh, I'll try," the girl said with a wry smile.

Tara smiled and then turned, exiting into the night without a look back. Several minutes later Willow returned to the booth, her brow furrowing deeply when she only saw Buffy.

"Hey," Willow said, scanning the space for the blonde. "Where's Tara?"

"She went home..." Buffy said, amused.

"She left?" Willow asked, confused.

"Yeah..." the petite blonde replied, her brow knitting at the look on the redhead's face. "She said she said goodbye by the bathroom."

"Right," Willow said. "No, she did, I just." That was a goodbye!? She pulled a face, blushing as she lied. It's the least she could do for the blonde, to let Buffy think things were rosy between her two best friends. After all, it's obviously what Tara wanted, and she drove her away. "I just thought you'd talk her out of it."

"Believe me, I tried," Buffy said wryly.

"Did she say why she left?" Willow asked, twisting her fingers before her, her brow knit.

Buffy nodded as she swallowed the last of her drink. "She of the 'no afternoon nap' was tired."

"Oh," the redhead replied. It wasn't true. She drove Tara away. She drove her away with her creepy behavior. She acted distant and distracted, then handsy and desperate. She wanted to crawl into a hole and cry for a week.

"It's a bummer that we'll probably miss her in the morning, what with the bandaid plan and all."

"Right," Willow said. She felt sick, panicked. How could she leave things this way? Leave Tara thinking that she was this way? And how could she leave without seeing her, seeing her beautiful, kind face again? Who knew how long it would be before she was able to visit again.

"Are you okay?" Buffy asked amused, eyeing her stone-still friend.

"Yeah," the redhead said, trying to pull herself back into the present with a weak smile on her face. She stepped toward her side of the booth.

"Riley left too so it's just you and me, amigo."

"Amiga," Willow said distantly as she sank into a seat. "Amigo's for a boy."

"Huh," Buffy said thoughtfully. "And now it's making sense why that lady barista with the short hair always gives me a funny look..." She shrugged and smiled at the redhead. "Want me to go get more drinks?"

"Sure," Willow said, her voice constricted..

"Same or..."

"Surprise me," Willow said gamely. Buffy smiled and then took off.

They stayed out for a couple of hours, making their way to a narrow, crowded bar down the street, Buffy in good sprits despite them both limiting themselves so as to not be hungover the next day. When they returned home the apartment was dark, Tara obviously already retired for the night, neither returning girl realizing that the blonde had turned her lights out upon hearing the key in the lock, unwilling to show her tear-stained face. Buffy and Willow quietly went through their nighttime routine then settled into the petite blonde's bed to sleep, Willow staring at the ceiling long after Buffy drifted off. In the morning Buffy's alarm sounded and they rose sluggishly, again quietly going through their bathroom routine. They took their things down to the car and got in, driving a block in the early morning light before Willow realized with a start that she had forgotten her wallet on Buffy's bed.

Buffy circled back and parked in a red zone a half a block away, her hazards flashing as Willow took the house keys and walked quickly to the apartment. She took the stairs two at a time and once inside headed quietly to Buffy's room, Tara's door still closed. She grabbed her wallet, sitting where she left it on the bed, and then quickly made her way to the hallway.

She exited head down, not watching where she was going until she almost slammed into Tara coming out of her own room.

"Willow," the blonde said surprised, her brows arching.

"Hey," Willow said, nervously as she stepped back to give the girl space. "I forgot my wallet."

"Oh," Tara said, folding her arms around her middle. "I t-thought you w-were Buffy."

"Nope, just me," Willow said with a friendly smile. The redhead noticed the blonde's crossed arms and bowed head and her heart constricted; she had made so many mistakes since that day in the park. "Buffy's waiting for me downstairs, though, so..."

Tara nodded and took a slight step back, her back almost running into the door jam. She was wary and raw, uncertain of what would happen if she let herself be drawn in again. But most of all she was ashamed. She regretted how she had described her "perfect girl," throw away words that she hoped the redhead had already forgotten, and embarrassed that she had left the night before without saying a real goodbye. "Have a safe drive," she said softly, hoping that when the redhead left, her heart would return to an even keel.

"Thanks." Willow smiled warmly. She turned and started down the hallway, her steps feeling heavier the further she got from Tara until she stopped several feet away. She couldn't go, not with things like this. She turned back to face the blonde. "Hey." Tara looked up with wide blue eyes and Willow felt her heart lurch as their gazes met. Her voice softened. "I uh, I forgot to ask you yesterday, did you drop off your project?"

"Yes," Tara said, surprised to be asked the question.

There was an awkward moment. "How'd it go?" The redhead expanded, hoping her cheerful voice obscured her obvious nerves.

"Fine," the blonde replied, somewhat uncomfortably. "The grades won't be p-posted for another couple of days, though, so..."

Willow nodded, a sympathetic smile on her lips. "You'll do great."

Tara nodded. She didn't deserve this kindness after last night.

"What are you going to do today?" Willow asked, taking a small step closer to the blonde. She couldn't leave.

Didn't she say Buffy was waiting for her... "I don't know," the blonde softly replied. "Maybe read..."

"Tales of the City?" Willow asked.

"Maybe," Tara replied, her heart softening as Willow mentioned something from their perfect day together. She was so confused. Which Willow was this? The girl she loved, the one who stole her heart in the park? The Willow she overheard on the phone? Or the Willow who sent her mixed signals at the bar?

"Sounds like fun," the redhead said, oblivious to the turmoil churning inside the girl across from her. "You deserve a break from everything now that school's officially done."

Tara weakly nodded. A long pause sat between them, Tara afraid to open up, Willow afraid to leave.

"You know," the redhead said, twisting her fingers as she stepped twice toward the blonde. "Buffy mentioned last night that she might fly out to visit me this summer."

The blonde looked up, not expecting the redhead's words. "Oh."

"Maybe." The redhead took a silent breath as she stepped forward again. "Maybe you could come with her," she said, her heart in her throat. "We could do the whole, Freedom Trail thing." She smiled, the thought of showing the blonde around her home making her happy. "Trade the, fog, for humidity."

The blonde didn't dare speak; she was shocked.

"I could show you guys around Cambridge," Willow said, the silence too uncomfortable. She looked to Tara's blue eyes, looking for something to tell her that she hadn't imagined their connection. "I mean, I don't have the biggest apartment, but I have a sleeping bag." She smiled and the blonde couldn't help but half smile slightly in return. The slight curl of the blonde's red lips drew the redhead in. She felt brave when Tara smiled at her. "And even if she didn't, you know, if you ever wanted to... you know, visit me. Maybe."

"O-Okay," Tara said. Was she really asking me, me, to visit her? Alone?

There was another long pause, the girls just looking at each other, waiting for the other to speak. To lead.

"Tara," Willow finally said with a quiet urgency, stepping forward slightly.

"Yes?" The blonde asked, her voice just above a whisper.

"I..." She looked from the girl's eyes to the girl's lips, then back. There was so much to explain, so much to apologize for. But her brain couldn't form words when she was this close to the blonde, her full lips pursed in anticipation. The redhead's brow furrowed. "I forgot what I was going to say." She looked up and was lost in the blonde's eyes. How could she leave?

Tara held her breath. The way Willow was looking at her... Well it certainly didn't seem like the redhead was dissuaded by her "perfect girl" description. Is she going to kiss me? The blonde thought as she froze, afraid to breathe much less move. Her body hummed, the space between them charged.

Willow didn't know what was possessing her. There were so many reasons why she shouldn't be standing this close, her body leaning even closer, yet she was still there. She licked her lips, and she swore she saw Tara do the same.

The car horn blared and Willow snapped back, looking to the door and then back to the blonde. "Buffy," she said simply, nervously, and the blonde nodded. "I better–"

"Go," Tara finished for her. Willow nodded, regretfully. She reached out and gently pinched the blonde's wrist, her skin burning at the featherlight touch.

Willow backed up a few steps before turning and starting to walk to the door. She was almost there when she suddenly turned. "Tara."

The blonde looked up, wide eyed. "Yeah?"

Willow paused, her mind carefully collecting the words she wanted to say. "We spent over 15 hours together the first time hung out." She said, her brow quirking in amazement.

Tara nodded. "Yeah." There was a short pause. "Willow," she said as she stepped forward, Willow's brows raising in anticipation of a question. The blonde wanted to ask what the girl had been about to say last night at the bar by the bathrooms, tell her that she didn't think she'd ever look at another brunette romantically for the rest of her life and most importantly, say that she wasn't a stranger. She wasn't even close, and that she thought Willow knew that too. But instead she quietly sighed. Willow was leaving. And she didn't know when she'd see her again, the astonishing offer of a summer visit notwithstanding. She smiled, regretfully. "Have a safe trip."

"Thanks," Willow said with a slight nod of the head. She turned again and exited.

The redhead made it halfway down the stairs before the reality of what was happening hit her, and by the bottom step she was on the verge of hyperventilating. She leaned against the wall, her hand tightly gripping the door knob. She was leaving. For who knows how long she was leaving and Tara didn't know how she felt about her. And in six hours she'd be at her parents house, the house she grew up in, answering questions about Oz and going out to the Bronze with Buffy and Xander and how was she going to do this, be, this person, this person who was so desperately in love with a girl without a single other soul knowing? Every single second of her time in Sunnydale was going to be a lie, every single minute in Cambridge heartbreaking, thousands of miles away from Tara, a girl, a precious, wonderful girl that she was in love with. How was she going to do this?

The horn blared again, followed by a woman yelling from a window for Buffy to knock it off. Willow took a deep breath. She wiped her hands over her eyes in case there were unnoticed tears, and then with another deep breath, she exited the apartment, closing the door quietly behind her.

It took Tara an hour. One hour before she couldn't stand it anymore, the doubts and second thoughts driving her from her apartment to the art department on campus. She beelined to her favorite professor's office, a well known artist, his surprised face obliging when she asked for his supply key. She went to the large closet behind his workspace, a room the size of her bedroom, and went straight to the large stacks along the far wall. She pulled the canvas free with a series of full-body tugs, the rough side sliding along the wood supports. Her professor ambled into the room and offered to help her carry the oversize canvas to her studio. She accepted gratefully. They took the service elevator to the third floor, each carrying a side as they angled down the hallway and into the sunlit room. He helped her prop it up, insisting she keep the key in case she needed paint, insisting again that she could pay him for the canvas and any other supplies at a later date, though she held a checkbook in her hand.

He left after a few pleasantries, recognizing in her eyes a need to paint. Once alone she stood still in front of the large canvas, white and rough. She had never painted anything so big, never attempted anything so ambitious, but she knew without a doubt that she'd be able to fill every single inch of the large rectangle. She was a mess of emotions and she wanted them out of her, out of her mind, out of her heart.

She reached out and ran her fingertips lightly across the cotton canvas. It was heavy duty, and though she usually liked to prepare her canvases herself, she was grateful that this was pre-gessoed and ready to go. She walked to the paint-splattered table to her right under the row of windows and picked up a glass palette, a handful of brushes and painting knives. She prepared with well-practiced precision, her thin fingers squeezing the colors she'd need onto the palette's well-worn surface. She took a number 9 knife and heaped equal parts red and white onto it's steel edge. With one fluid motion she dragged the knife across the canvas and started on the work that would one day grace the wall above her fireplace: 'The Day in the Park.'

[pipsberg]

DIBS!

[JustSkipIt]

pips - your dibs shouldn't count.

Therefore. DIBS!

Ok, Pips gets dibs although I'm not sure that being in different cities totally counts given the invention of these newfangled mobile telephones kids nowadays seem to have.

Anyway, don't you just hate when people calls dibs (unsuccessfully) but never go back to leave any meaningful feedback?

There is so much here that is so rich. First: Buffy - wow. How oblivious can she be? She doesn't seem to notice any tension at all. Second, it's 3 years later (earlier) and she's still on the same "so and so likes you and you're a lesbian nun" riff. That would get old in about 3 months. I have no idea how Tara resists saying "just because I'm not a big slut like you" or "Well you went to bed with Riley and how did that work out?" I'm pretty sure that if you are young and gorgeous and live in SF and NEVER date, perhaps your roommate/best friend might want to notice that something other than not being able to get a date is at play.

Tara: Oh so torn up and conflicted. She's reading Willow so right! I sort of love that. It's not that she doesn't get Willow and that confuses her. She totally gets Willow and that confuses her. I love the repeated theme "is she going to kiss me?" And she understands the multiple Willows (who seem to still be around 3 years later). PS - I've always assumed that Tara's "ideal woman" sketch was done out of spite so that came off about like I expected.

Willow: Oh Willow. I want to extend compassion and empathy to her but it's a little challenging. Yes, she is rocked. She is scared and shocked. This came out of nowhere and very strongly. And it's going to change her entire life. And it's certainly not her fault that Tara overheard the conversation.

but...

Her decision to leave and get her shit together. Break up with Oz, come out, get a Master's etc. is very self-absorbed. I wish she would go through this sort of analysis. I'm in love with Tara. Check. 3 possibilities: Tara could never love me - I need to come out do my three year plan anyway. Tara does love me but could - she needs to know so I can even have a chance. And the biggie - Tara is just as wonderfully soul-shatteringly in love with me as I am with her. Now think about that.

For who knows how long she was leaving and Tara didn't know how she felt about her.

Yes. She leaves. She leaves a woman who loves her just as much without any indication that her love may ever be returned. She is condemning herself to the time it takes but she is condemning Tara to it too and that's sort of cruel. And I won't even get into the how does she know/what makes her think that Tara will wait? I know she doesn't feel like she can be with Tara until... but I guess I wish she had thrown her a bone, let Tara know it was even a possibility someday. Then they could work on their friendship with an unspoken understanding that they were moving beyond friendship once Willow checked her steps off her official coming out list. This way she just ...

I don't mean to be harsh on Willow but 3 years is a very long time.

Anyway, I hope the family is great and it's cool that you're getting more time to write these days.

[pipsberg]

A. You can't leapfrog DIBS, no matter the situation, especially since it was all CAPS. That's a universal constant.

And...

2. We're not even in the same city right now so waaaaah.

[SGL]

Gosh my heart goes out to Willow in this update. I know Tara must feel very badly but I can relate to the fears and confusions of Willow which are so real. Thank you sooooo much again for this update! It made my day . Hopefully...sometime not tooo far in the fic we could have some pretty please? XD but for real I'm just happy with story progressing and you are the master of this art so no rush it'll happen when you want it to happen as it should be.

[zampsa19752001]

Big yay for excellent update-y goodness...

[lavenderangel]

Wow, but I love, love, love this fic so much. I screamed when I realized there was an update (and not just one!). It’s also really fun to read feedback, and seeing who everyone sides with, as it were.

I think you said that this Tara is closer to her s6 counterpart in one of your feedback responses. It makes you wonder how different the W/T relationship on the show would be if Tara had been in a better place, emotionally, at the start. As awful as the girls (okay, mostly willow) are to each other here, I still think their relationship is far more healthy in your fic than on the show.

I’ve read this fic over several years, including my own coming out, and it’s interesting to see who I identify with as time progresses. I had a similar lightbulb moment as Willow during high school, and so her panic made perfect sense to me. I was physically putting a hand up to my computer screen during their scene in the kitchen, wanting to push her toward Tara. Come on, Willow, if you just talk to her, it will be okay! By the way, I really, really love your Tara in this situation. S4 Tara would have instantly retreated, but your more mature Tara realized something was wrong, and bless her, even tried to fix it. If I was that hurt, I don’t know if I would have had the bravery to do that. I saw so much of myself in both girls, especially in how Tara is pushing for their relationship. god, I want to give them a hug. Or maybe make them hug each other. That would be good, too.

As another poster said, I forgot what a gut punch this fic can be. I was going along smiling, and completely elated, and then, BAM! Somehow, I remember all their moments of closeness whenever I think about Neverland, and not the awful, and far too frequent, bouts of miscommunication and hurt feelings. A reread is definitely in order, but I’ll need to brace myself for the truck loads of angst.

OH god, I just realized there was another update posted today (yesterday, now). I can’t handle it right now, I’m too scared for them. Hopefully you won’t mind belated feedback through part 65. Thank you for not giving up on this story, even as your own life has changed.

[Phantasyland]

So sweet, and so sad.

I love this fic even with the pain.

[Kajun]

Heather, Just Paint!!!!!!

First, thanks for clarification re: what was going thru Oz’s mind when he mentioned Willow talking about Tara.. a lot. I always considered him to be naturally intuitive so, perhaps, he would see in Willow what she failed to see in herself. No matter. It’s your story so it is the way you say it is which is perfectly fine with me! Willow knows she can’t stay in the relationship. Even if she didn’t get together with Tara, she’d still be “cheating” on him, not physically but in her heart and soul. I think that would hurt both of them tons more than a fluke or one night stand, you know?

So that’s how Willow discovers Tara’s “type”; Buffy playing matchmaker, as usual. Normally, I’d be all red laser beam eyed at the idea of Tara doing something to intentionally hurt someone, especially Willow, but does this really count as trying to inflict harm? If she knew how Willow really felt then yes, definitely. Her comment did hurt Willow just as Willow’s hurt Tara and neither knows they actually hurt each other. What a mess. Both are denying their true feelings thinking that will make the pain go away. If it was just a simple crush then that would eventually work. There’s nothing remotely simple about this! Tara’s reply will haunt them both in the years to come.

You did it again. First Buffy, now Riley. Damn him for interrupting Willow and Tara. Wait.. No.. it worked out much better this way. I much prefer the private discussion over the noise and audience in a bar scene. Hooray for forgotten wallets! If she didn’t have the opportunity to talk with Tara once more and leave on pleasant terms, that would have destroyed her. Park-Willow is in the house and holy cow.. she invites Tara to Boston!!! There it is. You sure don’t invite someone you have nothing in common with to stay in your house! Willow does not think of Tara as a stranger. Tara must believe that as the truth and not the comments from a one-sided phone conversation.

Buffy has less patience than me.. drat.. smooochies were foiled back then too. But the present time missed kiss, missed coz Willow flinched, was the heart-breaker of the two. Present-time and Park-time Tara went to the studio afterwards. Hmmm.. Willow said the painting above the fireplace is more than Just Paint, it is perfect. Yeah.. coz it represents their perfect day in the park. Finally we have the title of Tara’s favorite painting! This blows my mind. Excellent!

Lotz of puzzle pieces are in place now, but still some essentials missing. I LOVED this trip down memory lane and now I’m even more anxious to get back to the present. Still hoping Willow will scrap the plan and just go for it!

PS: Thanks so much re: the thanks. I can’t speak for Xita but.. I do know she really appreciates it when authors consult her and/or moderators when there’s a question about content. I do too, very much. You really had/have nothing to worry about here. It’s all good!

[kimmy_s]

Hi Heather
We are so spoilt, an update so soon after the last. I love the way you're writing a big chunk of 3 years ago so we really understand where our girls where at mentally back then. Can't wait for the next instalment and for it to return to present day so we get smoochies.
Kim

[fineartsmajor:)]

Hello again! More updatey goodness, so my little lesbian heart is happy once more.

First things first. In regard to your reply, I completely agree about the wanting it to be a story about Willow and Tara, not just two people who happen to be named Willow and Tara. Though I would never slander anyone's work. Because let's face it, it's hard to not only write stories, but to also have the guts to show them to the world at large. However, I think some writers tend to get tripped up on this. They tend to write the characters as they wish they would be or something along that line, rather than sticking to the core formula (for lack of a better word). You, however, do not have this problem. Brava.

Also, the ups and downs are what makes this story so... well, friggin awesome. One second they're broody and distance, the next it's all sexy and smutty which always fun, then they're adorably sweet and flirty, then unsure and self-conscious. The ebb and flow is what makes this such a dynamic fic.

Finally(!), the update at hand . Very well written, as usual. The trip to the bathroom scene as well as the fare-well (of sorts) scene are rather gut-wrenching, in an 'I can't stop reading it' sort of way. The story always seems to keep the girls just out of reach from each other. As cheesy as it may sound, the mental image I keep going back to is like seeing two people stretching their arms out to each other and JUST not being able to grab on before being swung back into the distance. Excellent stuff for reading; terrible on my literary emotions lol.

Can't wait to read what happens next .

-Andi

[BeMyDeputy]

Heather,

Okay, so ever since pipsburg commented, I was watching the board like a hawk for this update. I will not tell you how many times I refreshed the board, because it would be embarrassing. Then Wednesday, I was sitting in a class I was neither prepared for nor wanted to be in, when I get a text from Deb telling me about the update. And I wanted to scream. When I checked the time stamp on your update, I almost DID scream: it was five minutes after I left for my class. So, yeah, all my good timing with the rereading? Didn’t help me here.

It’s funny. You mentioned how this is fundamentally a coming out story, and I had to go hunt down how long ago it was that Willow tried to come out to her mom. But that was two years ago, not three, so I guess it won’t be part of this trip to Sunnydale (oh, plus your comment about this update being the "last one"). Have I ever mentioned that I’ve seriously thought about making a timeline of this story? I even have (some) of my copy of the story commented, like “first meeting” or “Halloween Party.”

Also, have I mentioned that I’m a dork? (Proud of it, too.)

I tend to reread things I like, and I happen to love this story. I know some people read tons of different things, rarely going back to the same story again. But I keep going back to things. Same with music, movies, TV shows. Hell, I can put a cd in my car and not change it for ages; I don’t know when I put my “Real Me” cd in my car, but it was months ago—a cd I am patiently waiting to be able to finish, by the way (I still can’t find an .mp3 of the first song, it’s driving me crazy—my song numbers are wrong versus the story. Again, dork.). I learned the music to Wicked one week when I put the cd in my car, then drove from San Diego to San Francisco (and back) for a wedding. My voice came out hoarse, but I know the lyrics now. Or one summer, I had Half-Blood Prince by my bedside; I would crack it to a random page every night and start reading. Anyway, I have reread Neverland a lot. This or Waiting for Dani I’ve probably reread the most on this board. It helps that I have them both in Kindle format, so I can read them both without the “hey, comments now, I should maybe take a break” thing.

The park was awesome, and totally needed rereading Neverland to go—it’s why I know the park exists! We drove through a lot of the park, which gave me a good sense of how big it is, and how you could spend multiple days there. We saw a windmill (though I don’t know which one), the bison (I have a picture of a young one; it’s adorable), we drove past the Beach Chalet, and walked around . . . ugh, the building across and up the street: the one nearly hanging over the ocean. Oh, and the casting pools. You’re right—those are amazing. My favorite pictures from the park are from the pools. If I ever go back to the city, I have to back to the park. I mean, sure, the Golden Gate Bridge is cool and all, but its “wow” factor wears off. But the park just has so much to do and see. I didn’t even get to go in any of the buildings (we had a limited time).

I highly recommend talking about fics with people. It’s pretty awesome. It always makes me think about the stories differently, and I end up with a richer experience. Reading something is this really personal experience that happens between you and the words, but I find it changes when you find out what someone else thinks and feels about it. I think it helps writing, too; talking about other people’s experiences with stories helps me think about when I’m being too subtle or too obvious, or about what resonates with other people. Particularly with stories as nuanced and full of detail as Neverland, it is just cool to see what I missed the first nth times around, you know? (I know you said you were intrigued, but I have to pass on the saying who disagreed with me: I really don’t want an ICBM pointed at my apartment. Besides, she may not even remember that assertion: it was last August.)

I think Willow and Tara are interesting to write, at least partially, because of how much they get each other; they are empathetic in general, but they just click so well. But at the same time, there are these huge gaps. It feels like that because they are so often right about the other one, they don’t question if they’re wrong. Their assumptions are usually so good, they just aren’t in the habit of wondering if they’re bad.

Your comment on Tara looking back at this overheard phone conversation made me, once again, go hunting in the story, to see if there was somewhere in the blackout fireplace conversation that Tara thought about it. Because I am a dork. It’s not written, by the way, though that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t. And yeah, I can see how she would try to think about those things together, and it might leader her closer to the "Willow loves me" idea.

I think you’re right about Willow re: wondering if she’s bi. I mean, the way she feels about Tara is qualitatively different from how she feels about Oz or how she felt about Xander. So that comfort of a middle ground is occluded by that difference. So I can see how she wouldn’t reach for it, even if she’s grasping for straws.

One of the things I like about this story is that it highlights how big the problem space of coming out is. I mean, you have some people, like Bryan’s family, who react badly, and you have people like Xander, with whom it’s a total nonissue. And there’s this fear, even if you are pretty sure that someone is going to be in the “nonissue” camp, that it’s going to explode. And the closer you’ve been to an explosion, the bigger that fear is.

It’s terribly comforting to hear that what you posted was not your first attempt at Oz’s dialogue. I’ve thought about writing NMR from his POV, at least partly, and it’s really intimidating. Hell, just writing dialogue for him sounds scary to me, but to get in to his head? Yeah. But he’s such an important part of Willow and Tara’s relationship, both here and on the show. He’s needed. Just . . . difficult.

Random thought: this story would have been so much different if Willow had called Bryan instead of Oz.

The more I think about Tara overhearing the phone call with Oz, the more I feel like it kind of blinded her to what was going on with Willow. It just hurt so much that she doesn’t see a pattern of Willow behaving a certain way when he comes up, never thinks about the situation Willow is in after what they shared the previous night (just the part Tara knows, of course). It’s one of those places they get their wires crossed (in this update, too), and I think it’s partly because Tara’s so hurt from what she overheard that she doesn’t consider that Willow, who keeps acting so back and forth, might be conflicted.

Anyway, some 1000 words into my feedback, let’s get to this update.

Willow’s thought process in the coffee shop is great. It’s like the debris from her revelation is finally starting to settle, and things she did and said in the immediate blast from it don’t make sense to her anymore; she regrets them. And the looming issue of cheating. That she keeps coming back to how she can’t cheat just emphasize that it’s what she wants to do; well, more that what she wants to do is cheating, not that she wants to cheat for its own sake. But if she doesn’t cheat, if she just goes home, even after she breaks up with Oz, she can’t have what she wants then, either, because Tara’s so far away. It puts Willow into this great (okay, awful), tiny box; there’s nothing she can do. I like how she doesn’t even consider breaking up with Oz over the phone and make a move on Tara: it’s too cruel, too . . . not Willow. She still loves Oz, and her worry over hurting him really shows that.

On a lighter note, I love how Willow talks about Dawn. Season five gives a sweet, if brief, picture of the relationship Willow and Dawn had as Dawn was growing up, and I’m always happy to see it reflected in stories. Also how very different younger siblings can seem to friends, rather than the siblings themselves (though fortunately I have awesome sisters with whom I got along with just fine: Adam says my mom brainwashed me).

Riley and friends showing up is just so perfect. And disastrous.

I have to ask: did you do this on purpose:

[Tara] walked in quickly, scanning the space for her roommate and Willow.

It’s just, you mention Willow by name, but not Buffy. And it deemphasizes Buffy in comparison with Willow, and . . . look, again with the me and the structure dorkiness and just did you mean to do it?

Ah, Willow asking about Jess. It’s great that this is what prompts Tara to describe her (former) perfect girl: Willow confoundedly asking about Tara’s love life. It’s so . . . Willow asking about Morgan. Only, that’s reading history in the wrong direction. But it’s the way the story goes. It’s lovely how Buffy gets in that line about “100% lesbian” and the “girl-on-girl” cred. Combined with Tara’s “perfect girl” description, it makes Tara inaccessible to Willow, almost as much as Willow’s “straight with a boyfriend” appearance makes her inaccessible to Tara, right from this day after the park. Willow doesn’t latch on to it as strongly here, but we see the ripples in her behavior later (or earlier . . . you know, in the story?). I love how they’re balanced; they’re on uneven footing, but at least they both are. And it’s so cool that it’s spurred by something Buffy brings up: Buffy plays such an important role in Willow and Tara’s interaction, I liked that she was an important part of this moment.

I like how Willow brings up the pole. I think it’s something people really do, mentioning things that came up when things were different, to try to push things back to that way. It invokes the previous feelings, and it’s a powerful and personal allusion. And it’s something we see Willow do later (/earlier), when she’s brings up the park when they’re walking down the street. It works so well here: it breaks Tara’s determination to keep her distance from Willow. Willow gets her foot in the door and they’re both just . . . stuck.

Thank you to the nod for us careful readers re: the rum. It made me laugh; the line “And that’s how I ended up hating rum” just went through my head as soon as I read it. It was this throwaway line at the time, but I remembered it, and I’m always intrigued by why some details like that can be referenced so very far down the line and still make me remember them. I also thought it was cool because Tara already knows that Buffy hates rum at this point, so the story that Tara missed hearing on the phone because Willow walks in looking all distracting in . . . lemmie check . . . update three . . . is one Tara’s already heard.

This scene in the hall is just so sweet and so painful. When I’m at a loss for words, all I can usually get out is someone’s name, “I” and “I just . . .”, which made this really resonate with me. I know the tone (or at least, a tone) that goes with those words and it’s just . . . yeah. Intense, but ouch.

You know, I expected “The Day in the Park” to be painted soon, but I wasn’t sure it would be quite so soon. I think it’s because I ruminate. Like, a lot. Too much. But Tara, we’ve seen how she paints—interrupting their fog watching to get an idea out—so it makes sense that she would have to do this now. I think the bit about “would one day grace the wall above her fireplace” would be unnecessary in a book, but I know there’s some bowing to the format and update schedule here. Anyway, the painting makes me wonder how Willow’s going to react, because she’s gonna be all “shit I called it ‘just paint,’” but then again, things will have to be much more with the big time smoochies before she finds out . . . I’m sure there’ll be a twinge, at least.


Anyway, thanks for the awesome update. I’ll try not to get spoiled by the super rapid updates, and instead just get inspired to write myself.


Oh, I think I may have not mentioned this before: congrats on the kid! That is super exciting. I’m not interested in the parenting thing myself, but I’m always excited when awesome people reproduce. It makes me feel better about the future.

Cheers,
Kate

P.S. Jeeze, all that, and I still manage to forget things.

Riley: I loved Riley here. I am weird, and happen to really like Riley overall. And he's so spot-on here. Well done.

You use the expression "to pull a face," which is notable because I never see that used by Americans. I happen to like the turn of phrase, and it's a neat aspect to your style.

P.P.S. I'm just full of thoughts.

Okay, looking back, you also use "film" and "mobile"--not often, but sometimes. There's these little bits of non-US phrasing/terminology that poke through, and that fascinates me.

Also, some people have mentioned that Tara being petty is awesome. And it made me feel silly that I didn't also mention it, because, well, yeah. It's fantastic. I'm always happy to see flawed characters--particularly Tara (it's part of why Donegal Street and Waiting for Dani are my favorites--very flawed portrayals of Tara. Also amazing writing). I mean, we knew that Tara had said it, and that she had described her action as "petty and petulant." And man, she was not just being hard on herself. But it's also interesting because this thing Tara does to hurt Willow--it's nothing if Willow is who she presents herself to be. And so Tara ends up doing something that only hurts if Willow is who Tara wants her to be--queer and interested in Tara. I think it speaks to just how much the comment was made in the moment, how Tara didn't think about it: she just did it. She's hurt and she lashes out and it's just so, so human. So . . . yeah, I liked that.

[SickSadGirl]

Wow. I am amazed at *another* update so soon! And it was just as heart-wrenching as the previous one. I was inclined to be harsh to Willow, mostly because I can relate to the way she aggressively tries to protect herself and others, but usually with harmful results. It's such a funny thing. I want to shake her! But I know she's not really a mean person; it's due to real fear that she feels she has to hide her true self.

Anyway, this was yet another great look at why the fic started the way it did. I have to wonder how far ahead you planned this story. It really seems as if you had every moment mapped out-it is seamless! Thanks again for sharing with us, especially with so much going on in RL. Congrats, by the way

[masterjendu]

Hi there, Heather.

Thank you so much for continuing this story. It has spanned nearly a decade and has remained a fabulous companion as we Kittens fall in and out of love, get married, have kittens of our own. I am so happy to come out of the woodwork here at the deep breath before the plunge back into the “And then Willow flinched” chaos.

Thank you for taking us back for their love origin story. The events of three years ago are almost a fast forward version of what has happened in the last three months; miscues, missteps and misunderstandings interspersed with fleeting boldness and beautiful intimacy. Our gals are in a much better place the second time around and although you likely have a few hiccups planned for their near future, they seem ready to take on a future together. This story wouldn't be the beloved epic it is without all the time and care you've taken to prepare them for the meaningful relationship most of us need Tara and Willow to have.

So thank you again for coming back to us. And huge congratulations on your happy, happy family life! My wife is due with our own wee one in March and I can’t wait!!!

Jen

[JustSkipIt]

Oh also... I just read a book called Adaptation (which I recommend) and now am reading Inheritance (sequel). Anyway, in Adaptation the main character lives in SF and meets another girl etc. But the other girl is new to SF and the protagonist wants to take her around and has no idea where to take her so she has to google it. She's like "Alcatraz - no that's creepy, Fisherman's Warf - too many tourists..." until she googles for some ideas. I thought of your fic because I feel like Tara (you) have a whole sort of Baedecker of SF and tons of great places to take Willow that are edgy and cool and not filled with tourists and like sort of little gems in the city.

[wayland]

Hi Heather,

I think that Tara behaved badly in this chapter and I’m glad because it redresses the balance after Willow’s phone call. As in the previous chapter, we knew the gist of what was said, but not quite the extent of it. In the circumstances, it was totally understandable, but it was definitely a form of retaliation.

Willow and Tara’s words and actions in this story can always be interpreted in two ways. One is in the context of their public, acknowledged relationship and the other in the context of their unacknowledged connection. For most of the story neither woman is certain if that connection is real or imagined and that gives us all those misunderstandings which help create the drama.

We knew about the ‘Brunette, olive complexion, artistic’ remark, but not that Tara delivered it in such a pointed way. Her accompanying look said, ‘Not you.’

In the first sense, Tara’s words are simply about her recovering a little pride. She couldn’t be intentionally hurting Willow, since a ‘stranger’ with nothing in common with her would hardly care less about her preferences. But on the other level, Tara’s instincts told her that Willow certainly would care. So it was meant to hurt, and it did. That’s why Tara reproaches herself.

Later in the bar, Willow is trying to reconnect and evidently struggling to say something difficult when Riley blunders into the conversation. Willow jumps a mile, moves back and breaks eye contact. Even Riley is aware he has interrupted something, but Tara takes this as an opportunity to run away. She’s basically walked out on Willow mid-sentence. I think she’s mostly motivated by panicked self-preservation, but there’s anger there too. It isn’t exactly mixed signals when a person clams up in the presence of a third party. I like seeing that side of Tara. I don’t think a romance between two perfect people would be very interesting to read.

I like the way your other characters are well drawn. They’re all fundamentally decent – Buffy, Oz, Xander and even poor Riley, grinning through his embarrassment as he realises he’s walked into something. They all want the best for their friends. I noticed that Oz and Xander gave Willow identical advice, three years apart – ‘Have fun.’ Oz doesn’t know the real story of course, but even so, I think he would want Willow to be happy despite the cost to himself, which is why he eventually lets her go without a fight.

Later in the story it feels like most of the reflections on the day in the park and particularly its aftermath seem to come from Tara’s POV. I think she has a much clearer picture of what happened since she was aware of her own feelings early on. Willow, on the other hand was dealing with shock and wildly contradictory emotions which will take her at least a year to clarify in her own mind. Also, Willow is unaware that Tara overheard her phone call, so she is ashamed about her behaviour, but she doesn’t obsess about it, while poor Tara even recalls Willow’s horrible words in order to castigate herself after Morgan’s party.

I’m glad that you gave them the final scene in the apartment. It makes sense to leave them with some hope after the disastrous previous 24 hours. I’m not at all certain that Tara would have agreed to Willow’s moving in without that moment.

Thanks for the update, I really enjoyed reading it.

Clare

[pipsberg]

So the DIBS thing... perhaps a little immature of me? Yes, perhaps. But I never claimed to be mature, so I won't apologize. This is just an acknowledgement of my immaturity, which again - not a big surprise.

I loved this update! For a couple of reasons.

Firstly, there have been a lot of updates of late, and that is yummy and awesome and I'm still a squealing kitten in awe of 'Neverland' so I get giddy when the updates come consistently. Are we on a roll here? I hope so No pressure though. Maybe someone could like, take your kiddos away for a while and you could sequester yourself away and just write and write and write. Not me though, I'm busy. Makes me want to write, but it's hard to even imagine doing that right now. You are a very inspiring person-writer-lady though.

Secondarily, I really liked both the use of Buffy and Riley here. For as much as I adore Tara/Willow "screen time", the interactions of the other main characters, just like on the show, are so wonderful. It certainly makes the Tara/Willow time even more precious and it brings out elements of their characters that you really don't see when they interact alone. Both Willow and Tara are complex ladies, and even more so with how you have brought them wholly to life outside of cannon. Tara is typically held up as an archetypal, almost untouchable heroine (both on the show and in fandom) but really, she's had her moments of extreme emotional vulnerability that have led her to be...well, petty. She's not perfect, and I love you showing us that here with both her thoughts and her actions. Though in the grand scheme of things, what she does is only petty in her head because nobody but her knows she is being hurtful and Willow can't really acknowledge it. Just like 'Neverland' is everyone's story, and why we all identify so strongly with it, Tara is everyone's woman. You know I mean, the archetype of a woman. And did I just accidentally get a Whitney Houston reference in there? RIP. But seriously, loved the characterizations all around and the wonderful use of the supporting characters to enhance the story.

The update itself was certainly somewhat painful. Willow's in agony over how she acted, Tara's confused and overwhelmed. Though super awkward, I found the conversation between Buffy, Tara and Willow fun to follow. Your ability to capture the exact personalities of the characters is uncanny.

"You have a type?" Buffy asked, amused. "Besides mythical?"

Loved this line! So Buffy and so very cut to the quick of things, even though she's clueless about whats going on with Willow and Tara. Buffy always did have this ability to skirt around, below and besides what the real issues were without necessarily knowing what the actual context of anything was. That's really hard to portray, but you've got it spot on there and here...

It was really nice to see Tara and Willow have that last conversation in the house before Willow left for...I guess 3 years by the 'Neverland' timeline. Nothing really resolved, but at least the last conversation wasn't the parting shot of the 'perfect girl' fiasco. I loved the ending, with Tara going to campus to paint. I can imagine her expelling all of her feelings onto canvas and creating 'The Day in the Park'. What a lovely way to come full circle, and perhaps to present time again?

Really lovely, as always, and though painful it so nicely ties together what happened to present day awkwardness (especially looking back to the first few updates). More please! Love you.

[Ayu]

Heatherrr thanks so much for the update!!!!

Just as it was said up there... I think that we are all dying to know how the famous “And then Willow flinched” Chaos will be fixed...

It has become to be one of the biggest mysteries in modern history!!!! It's amazing how you have captured everyones heart with this story.

Thank yoouuuuuuu!!!!

[loislane1]

I am so painfully engrossed in this story. Your detailed descriptions and detail and depth is amazing. So many near chances and so many times that fear and doubt have ruined those opportunities. I look forward to the next chapter.

[ssc1980]

Holy cow, updates! I'll check this thread every so often, so imagine my delight to see a flurry of updates! First off, congratulations on the many Life Things that have happened over the past few years! Thank you also for keeping your promise to finish this story. No matter how long it takes, know that there are so many of us who will be right here to read it.

As for the story, it was amazing to finally hear all the details of the infamous Day in the Park, but Willow's ensuing gay panic was painful to read, as well as Tara overhearing her conversation with Oz. Not to mention them constantly getting c*ck-blocked by Riley and Buffy. Anyway, it's so great to read your writing again; despite the long hiatus, it is as easy and natural as ever, and you still have a gift for capturing these characters we know and love.

BTW, is the bar they go to Hobson's Choice?

[ethereal]

I read the whole story, right from first chapter to 67th in three days (and nights, and everything in between). I barely slept (sleep is for the weak!) and barely ate, I was living it their world rather than this one.
I laughed, I cried, I swore, and then I cried again.
I can't find the words to describe how great this piece is, I don't think I've ever read a better story.
And I think I'm going to read it at least a few times more, only slower, really appreciating each sentence.

[WillowRulez]

Hi there
Hadn't visited the Kitten in a while and when I checked in tonight there were 3 (!) updates on the most amazing story on the board. I don't know how you do it but no one can write pain better than you do, you make pain beautiful I really love all the parts from "three years ago", giving us a better picture of how Willow felt when she first discovered she was in love with Tara and how conflicted she was about Oz. You portrayed the turmoil really well (not that I am surprised by that because you rock ).
I hope everything is well with you and that we'll soon see another update I can't wait.