New Fic - Neverland

[wimpy0729]

Heather, Heather, Heather, my dear, sweet, Heather -- It's awfully hard to type this right now, but I managed to wiggle one arm out of my straightjacket those nice fellows put me in after they gave me that lovely shot. Everything is so shiny and the colors are so pretty. I have a new home now. It has these fun walls that are so soft that I just bounce right off everytime I run my head into them. My new helmet is very pretty too. And you know what?? When I hit the wall, I don't even FLINCH!

Edited by the staff of Sunny Home For Cracked Kittens: Wimpy had to go back to rocking in the corner, but she said for us to tell you that it really was a beautiful update overall. The fog gazing was very romantic and she loved the snuggling and conversation and the rain. She hopes both Willow and Tara are okay, and she really wants to know what happened. Her doctors say there is good hope for recovery if you update very, very soon.

[Weaselbee16]

What a beautiful update, it was so tender and I could feel the love radiating off in waves. I don't think I breathed the entire time reading this chapter, and I swear my heart stoped when I read that Willow flinched. Gah! Amazing job!

[vazy]

Oh Blimey! I saw this update and I went straight in to spazz mode. Flailing limbs, incoherent jabbering and all. Beautiful chapter I love how Willow is always teetering on the edge of telling Tara and now Tara finally takes some control. And Willow flinches, oh Willow. Don't mess it up, Willow-dummy! Can't wait for the point when we finally get to the chapter with Will's mum. Can't wait for more!

[JustSkipIt]

According to word-origins.com

The word fog is something of a mystery. It first appears in the 14th century meaning ‘long grass’, a use which persists in Yorkshire fog, the name of a species of grass. This may be of Scandinavian origin. The relationship, if any, between fog ‘grass’ and fog ‘mist’ is not immediately clear, but it has been speculated that the adjective foggy, which to begin with referred to places overgrown with long grass, and then passed via ‘of grassy wetlands’ to ‘boggy, marshy’ may have given rise via this last sense to a noun fog denoting the misty exhalations from such marshy ground. A rather far-fetched semantic chain, perhaps, lacking documentary evidence at crucial points, and perhaps Danish fog ‘spray, shower’ may be closer to the real source.

So I guess Willow’s speculation and confusion is understandable here.

Speaking of fog, last week I went for my morning run in heavy fog. It’s quite unusual here and I thought of this story throughout.

Many many things to talk about here. Willow’s getting lost in the comfort of wanting Tara and making plans without really shielding herself from the meaning of all those plans. And she’s getting caught up in the lies (Four Seasons).

Their conversation is lovely with very nice flow.

"My mom met my dad late, well, later, in life, and I think she's always regretted not having that relationship earlier, when she was my age."

What a strange thought. I mean people always say, “I wish I’d known you earlier” or something but that’s not really the way the universe works. I mean someone is not the same person they were 10 years ago and 2 people are not the same 2 people from 10 years ago. I don’t know. I always find it weird.

But it wouldn't be fair to Tara. To start things this way, with her still in the closet. It would be so unbelievably selfish. The redhead took a settling breath. A kiss would have to wait.

This is way upstream of the flinch but I fear that it’s what’s behind and inside and through the flinch and I’ll have more to say about that shortly.

How “lucky” is Willow that her sleep talk is just about stupid things like sprinklers and hoses rather than about her completely overwhelming love and lust for Tara? Or maybe unlucky. It would take it out of her (incompetent) hands.

Well first off I say well done Tara. She’s gay. You’re reading the signs correctly. Yes, kiss her.

But now I’ll get to

And Willow flinched.

At this point I see Willow as a force of destruction like a hurricane or a toddler at his/her grandparents’s house or something. She has no idea of the carnage she is about to spread. Her mom? Whatever. I couldn’t really care about her mom. When parents are like, “how could you do this to me?” I’m sort of like, “you did nothing to them.” If her mom says, “and you didn’t trust me to tell me before this?” then she has a point but anything else – any taking of it personally she’s just off base. But Willow is so about to spread the carnage around. I’ve already said how terrible I feel for Buffy and Xander caught up in this planned secrecy benefiting no one and hurting both of them. But now I fear that she’s about to really damage Tara and her relationship with Tara. Unless whatever she says next includes the word yet, she’s really sort of an asshole. She has to know that she’s totally leading Tara on and she has to know how this is going to hurt her. She knows about Jill and now … is she going to run away? Say she’s not gay? Whatever she says, she ruins all the romance of the fog and the rain and the snuggling and the Europe trip and all the rest of it. She sends Tara into a funk and into hiding and possibly into not being able to paint. And she can’t be so clueless to not see it. She can’t possibly think it’s just about her. Please let her see that it’s not just about her. Please.

[mishki]

Willow...willow...willow...

Seriously, from quivering with excitement with the lead up to the *almost* kiss, to a "Noooooooooooo!" that may have the downstairs neighbor wondering...

Good thing I don't have heart problems.

[Bellalocke]

Like half the population of the KB, I was so happy when I saw that you updated, and the update was just perfect until the flinch heard round the world happened. Many of my concerns for this action are already explained in JustSkipIt's comments. If Willow walks away from this without explaining or reassuring Tara, or doing something... anything for that matter, then she is an idiot and a world class asshole. Things have been progressing slowly but still at a pace that is appropriate for the story. I really don't want to see Willow throw it all away because she has to stick to a plan. Even if she just explains things and asks Tara to wait until she is out to Buffy and her mom, that would be an appropriate and perfectly fine action.

So Please, for all that is holy, wonderful, and sacred, have Willow do something instead of just walking away. Can't wait for the next update!

[DaddyCatALSO]

I have to wonder what words Willow can use to explain this : "Sorry, I'm not ready to lead you on yet." Okay I'm deliberately being extreme here but still "is a puzzlement."

[JustSkipIt]

Sorry to return to bitch at Willow (at Willow, not at Heather) but I see another area where she's just clearly not seeing the probable results of her actions. The carnage if you will. I can't see any way that this plays out that Buffy doesn't immediately confront Tara. I mean Willow may pick up Buffy from the airport, blah blah blah, take her out for dinner blah blah blah, drop her major bombshells (2 - 1. I'm gay 2. I trusted Xander more than you for the last 3 years about this). No matter how Buffy takes it and given that I don't support violence such as slapping her best friend, I'm voting for throwing repeated drinks in Willow's face, her first phone call when they leave each other has to be to Tara. I thought you were my best friend? How could you have known this too? You're dating Willow? You turned Willow gay? You never told me? I asked you directly and you lied to me. What? You say you have no idea what I'm talking about? Because you're lying to me right now! Complete devastation and isolation for Buffy. Hell, I guess it will make Willow's coming out to Tara really easy given that Buffy will have outed her to Tara before she can do it herself. I've seriously never felt as sorry for Buffy as I do in this fic and in my imagining of the future of this fic and that includes throughout The Body. In the beginning I just thought Willow was sort of cute and a little pathetic. But now I'm pretty much thinking she's criminally self-absorbed.

[Mrs. Pineapple]

To start things this way, with her still in the closet. It would be so unbelievably selfish.

I think that Willow is just so set in her ideas that she doesn't realize - she'll hurt Tara more by pulling back now than kissing her even though she's still 'in the closet'.

I think the flich was just an uncalculated, instinctive reaction. She can't help it, even though it will have such desastrous consequences for the both of them.

In her defense, you know

I'm just curious how she will react to it. Knowing Willow, she'll probably spazz out and end up hurting the people she thought she was sparing... Everyone makes mistakes.

[dragonfly]

Hello my dear heather, I hope you had a wonderful holiday season, and everyone is doing well.

Again, I’m late with my feedback, blame my boss and her incredible mess that somehow I’m supposed to sort out, every week is something different…wish me luck

Now, I have to say these two updates are great, first I wanted to kick Buffy for confronting Tara by phone, that’s not a conversation you want to have over the phone, but I can see and understand her frustration for feeling left out, she’s been away for a few days and so much has changed, I can see she’s going to be hurt when Willow drops her secret next Sunday, I’d expect her to be upset and scream a little, I’m sure she’ll get it, it’s Tara her other best friend but still stinks Willow didn’t trust her with this before.

Roof date was much better than what I’d imagined, very romantic and intimate, snuggles and all, but why in the name of the mother Willow flinched??? Sure she has a plan memorized but there’re always independent variables that can change things, in our case Tara acting on it, being brave and going for it. I trust you have something prepared and a very good reason behind this reaction for Willow, please let her fix it, say or do something that will not leave Tara thinking she’s wrong about Willow wanting her. I mean Will already mentioned how she feels about her mom and some of the reasons why she’s so unsettled with her visit, maybe she can tell her a little more, at this point she has to say something more or she’ll hurt Tara unnecessarily.
I can only hope and wait for you to unfold the outcome, but please update soon, pretty soon please.

Take care,
Love,
Clau

[pipsberg]

Before I comment on Miss Willow’s behavior let me just say...

The massive reaction that this update has created on the board (not just this update, actually) is a sign of a truly outstanding writer and I once again applaud you for this masterpiece. I am running out of ways to say how amazing your writing is! You have managed to create outrage, disbelief, anger, sympathy, tummy-flutters and all emotions in between within the community - and we all read the same update!! I love it. I love how this update, and the story in general, mean so many different things to so many different people. I think it's because we each see a part of ourselves in one of the characters and each of us have lived part of this story in some way. As is true with most real life coming out stories - it's not pretty! It's messy and painful (sometimes hurtful) as well as happy, uplifting and hopeful. So is falling in love. You capture both so well while maintaining the integrity of the character’s personalities.

Ok, now that I have covered that... as much as I cringed at “the flinch heard round the world” (shout out Foomatic), I wasn’t shocked by it in the same way as most people. I mean, I was like “Awww this is so sweet, almost two swee- damn it!” but in retrospect it actual made sense and thinking back to the first girl that tried to kiss me, even though I knew I was gay and ready to come out and wanted to kiss her, I wasn’t ready to actually kiss her. Does that make even a little bit of sense? There is a lot of history riding around on all of our shoulders that it takes time to deal with and old habits of hiding things die hard. Not true for everyone, but it was for me, so I kind of get it. Given all that, I think Willow's reaction, assuming it was an honest knee jerk one, is actually quite normal. It’s also true to her canon personality to plan something intricately and stick to that plan, regardless of consequences.

I think someone mentioned Willow was selfish... well, yes she definitely is. Aren't we all are to varying degrees? Aren't some of us more selfish than others, and especially at different points in our lives? This Willow seems consistent with other moments of selfishness in canon story lines (Season 4 and on especially). One thing I always loved about watching Buffy was that, though the characters had super hero like qualities, they were very mortal emotionally. This remains true here as well (except for the super hero part, though who knows you aren't done yet ). Love, love, love that realism. I have so much more to say, but I don’t think I am doing you justice with the feedback. This update and all the ensuing feedback hits close to home because as I mentioned earlier, there are parts of me here and even parts of my own coming out experience (and those of people I know). Wonderfully done.

Knowing how epic your writing is, I don’t expect this to be “fixed” quickly. Where would the fun in that be? I await the next part so very eagerly. I hope Willow explains why she flinched and I hope Tara doesn’t shut down because of it! Either way, I can’t wait for me. Love you lots and congratulations on another amazing update. xoxo

[WR/TM]

OK I have to say I love this, I'm not really one to post anything maybe 30 topic replies and that is it, I'm not very good at articulating what I want to express, but I have to say this story is captivating. You put so much into your writing that I feel like I'm actually right there with them. Thank you so much for this!!! Can't wait for the next update

P.S. this is definitely the most I've ever typed

[Samcat]

Hey Heather,

What a wonderful gift you gave us with updating this story. So sorry for my lack of FB, by the way. I’ve been there all these past months, eargerly reading each update, and enjoying it. So, just to say I’m still your number one French fan (I know - it’s a self-proclaimed title. Maybe other French kittens will claim it.).
I really loved the last update; Of course, this kind of cliffhanger can be frustrating, but it’s exciting too. And I’m not against a little angst… cause I know those two will be together eventually, of course.
Oh, about that day in the park. We know a few thing now, but there are still missing pieces. Please please tell me we will find out WHAT EXACTLY happened that day between our girls.
Very, very happy new year to you, with a lot of fun and happiness (and updates! )

Anne

[Gaga01]

I've been reading this story a while back and couldn't believe it when it started to get updated again. This is one of the best stories I've read so far, it is simply astounding...And I have to admit that I understand Willow's flinching. It was incredibly bad timing and I feel like they'll probably have a hard time dealing with it, especially Willow. She is so downright terrified of having to out herself to her mom and Buffy that any little detail that isn't going according to plan, freaking out has to be expected even if that kiss was her biggest dream come true...

I hope there will be another chapter up soon!!

[EasierSaid]

angieb86 Love the all caps, "why did she flinch!?" More on that in the next two updates! And thanks very much for the wonderful words - I was really nervous, so I'm glad you liked. More on that infamous day in the park in a few updates or so. And moving to CA - very cool, though TN is pretty awesome, too. Best of luck if you do make your move west, and just remember this tip from a local: Nobody calls San Francisco, "Frisco." If you do, locals will stare and you will be shunned.

BeMyDeputy Many capital A's in a row! I sort of read that as Charlie Brown's ARGH! after Lucy pulls away the football. I hear you on Buffy and the bi business, and technically her not thinking that Willow might be bi is a logical error... but maybe not a totally realistic one, I think. Most people are not looking at the people around them and labeling them as potentially bi when there is no evidence. I mean, it's not like Willow is flirting with men and women right in front of Buffy and Buffy is turning a blind eye to the lady flirts. The only evidence that Willow might be gay is that she's hanging out with Tara, a gay woman, a lot, and that Tara the gay woman has feelings for her. In this instance I have a hard time for faulting Buffy; she's going on what she knows, and that's that Willow is straight. If Willow said she were bi, I'm sure Buffy would be supportive, but she's not going out of her way to see things that she doesn't think are there.
May Gray/June Gloom is such a SoCal thing. I think NorCal people roll their eyes at all of the "marine layer" talk. (At least, I always have.) Glad you liked Tara digging nerds. I always think of Tara being a nerd, too, just not a stereotypical computer/sci-fi nerd. And yes, flirting in code w/ park references. I think they're just so comfortable with each other that it's hard not to touch back to the other time they felt as comfortable. Re: Willow's mom; I think a lot of parent's just think they know best long after their children have become adults and have a hard time separating their lives. Willow is still caught up in it, but recognizes that boundaries need to be implemented. And yes, did mean for that to be similar to the doll's eye crystal bit. I like touching back to the show, and that seemed like a good way to do so there.
And yes, they've really backed themselves into a corner. I liked Sassette's little lesbian magnets theory. These two just can't stay away from each other, even though it would be in their best interest to just take cold showers and reconnoiter in two days. Nope. Snuggles on the roof instead! And yeah, funny how it does parallel their day in the park. As for Willow and the big next move... more on that in the next update. Thanks so much!

Finey_McFine Indeed.

W&T A tease? Moi? Surely there has been some sort of mixup! Update follows - enjoy!

ssc1980 There are a lot of all caps replies to that last chapter! And Surgeon's General warning, eh... That would be pretty funny. Hopefully this update was fast enough to stave off unconsciousness.

sadie This update appears to have broken many of you.

vampyregurl73 Ha, I think that's the first time I've seen the thuds for something bad and not smut. Love it. Is it okay that I had a mental image of you setting your alarm, waking up at 8 am (or you know, noon, no judgement) and immediately cursing up a storm because it was no longer 3:15am and therefore acceptable? Too funny. And no killing! Remember, it's Pens. Happy goodness awaits! Thanks so much.

singgirl Serious as a heart a-tack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack, my friend! (And why yes, that is a Billy Joel reference.) Hope you like how this is resolved.

nightmask Thank you so much for the very kind words. Hope you enjoy the next update.

SMGOVAN Don't blame me, blame Willow! She's the one with the flinching. I just wrote it down. Thanks so much - please enjoy the next bit.

LonelyTara Yeah, it felt cruel to write, and I honestly tried to think of ways around it... but this is how this story is meant to unfold, I think, so went with it. Back to that whole, "life is messy" bit. Not sure about big and great, but hopefully it'll make sense once all the water is under the bridge.
I think those are very good reasons for why she flinched. There's another reason, too, I think; more on that in this next update. I think you're right that Tara knows their snuggles were more than just what friends do. However, how much comfort that will give her with all those jumbled up emotions is another thing. I agree that their time on the roof will probably be a great memory for them once they're together. It's a really intimate moment, almost as intimate as kissing, and I can see them reminiscing fondly over it when they're old and gray. And wouldn't fireworks lead to quite the painting? I'm sure that was in Tara's mind as she thought of it. Thanks so much, I appreciate the very kind and supportive words, even if you are calling me a massive, massive tease.

DaddyCatALSO I think there's a lot behind Willow's flinch, but I think The Plan is definitely a part. She's an obstinate woman, for better or for worse. As for the Buffy and Sheila parts... I actually have those partially written, so knock on wood those won't be writer block blocks. We'll see though! I actually wouldn't be surprised if writing the day in the park stuff won't be harder. It's a little intimidating, because it's been built up. Another we'll see. And what can Willow say to explain flinching? I think that's what she's wondering right now. Thanks.

zampsa19752001 Thanks so much. Willow definitely owes Tara an explanation. Whether she has the chance... more on that in this update. I'm glad you liked the fog-gazing. It was really fun to write.

nimloth Thanks so much. I'm so glad you like the story, even though you'd like to do bodily harm to one of the plot twists!

BuffyFan4ever Willow has some 'splainin to do, that's for darn sure. Will she get the chance... DUN DUN DUNNNNNN! Thanks!

SylverMaki So many "dittos" up in here, it's like reading the screenplay to Ghost! And no worries about the lack of feedback; it happens, I'm just so glad you're here now! (And amen about the Buffy convo!) That flinch... no good, no good! And I'm not sure it'll take 17 updates to fix this... though come on, it's me, so it might! But I don't think this is something that she can magically fix in a few paragraphs. This was a wake up call for her, I think. More on that in the next update. And it sounds like people are clamoring for a Xander appearance; has that ever happened on Pens... ever? Thanks so much - I'm really glad you liked. Happy new year to you too!

Foomatic The flinch heard round the world; figures that a Giants fan would write it! (Obscure Bobby Thomson reference FTW!) I'm so glad you liked the tension at the end. I honestly thought people would HATE it (and by extension, hate me - at least a little). I like the quote you pulled; ain't that the truth? Not knowing whether to go for that first kiss is such a wonderful and scary proposition. Tara is definitely thrown for a loop, I mean, how could she not be? How far she'll loop and what happens next... more in the next update. But suffice to say, the love of your life flinching out of your first kiss is not a real confidence booster. And thanks for the words of faith. It really means a lot to me. My one hope is to stay true to the characters and see them together, happy in the end. And no worries; moms of small babies are allowed a free pass. Everyone else - consider this putting you on notice! (I keed, I keed.)

WillowRTaraM1 But I did end it there!!! I know, bleurgh, it was harsh, but it felt wrong to do it any other way. I hope you like the next update, and where the story goes from here.

Mrs. Pineapple A little too good to be true, eh? And yeah, this screams Xander-time. (And had to laugh at him being the big guns; can picture the smile on his face to hear that he's "the big guns.") I think there's no denying what just happened. They both know it was a kiss, both know Willow flinched. Good thoughts on what was behind Willow's flinch. How they deal... more on that in the next couple of updates. Thanks so much!

wiccanvixen Thanks so much! Glad you're enjoying, even with the fluster factor.

shiraz Thanks so much. I'm glad you love it! (I honestly thought people were going to hate with a capital H.) I'm glad you liked the snuggles. I worried about how comfortable they were being, but it felt right. It wasn't a moment to stress or worry; it was in the moment, which I thought fit where they are now. Glad you liked Willow's sleepy talk, that was fun to do. And stepped on her toe? Good lawd, that would be funny. Thanks again for the kind words and hope you enjoy the next bit. (And happy new years to you too!)

Kajun I'm so glad you liked that line; that seemed so Tara to me. Glad also that you liked the constellation naming scene references. I know I already touched on that scene in the past, but it seemed to fit here too, so just went with it. (And sweeter? Aw, shucks.) I'm glad you liked Willow's explanation for mom nerves. That was actually a fun exchange for me to write, and I'm glad it resonated. It seemed like Willow needed to be honest, but she couldn't be fully honest... it seemed to hit at the crux of the problem, which is Sheila expects her to follow a certain path and Willow is nervous about deviating from that. You're right, this roof date will totally help Willow as she's coming out. (More on that in the next couple of updates.) Very funny scenarios. Which is right... tune in! Thanks so much, as always!

WillowRulez Spoiled? How, read down accidentally? (Very curious for some reason.) And ruin a perfect moment... I think it's safe to say yes, no matter what happens next. (More in the next update.) Hope you enjoy where things go from here, and thanks!

wayland Thanks so much. "One of the best"? Flattered! (Honestly, thank you so much.) And to think, I was insanely nervous about posting it, thinking it wasn't all that great and that it would turn the board against me once and for all! (Okay, maybe not quite that dramatic, but close enough.) I'm really glad you enjoyed the intimacy. And yes, return of the angst. Willow's flinch. I think you're right, this doesn't have to be a back-to-square-one moment, however... hrm, more on that in the next few updates. (Better to let the story speak for itself in this instance, I think.) And thanks re: the cliffhanger. I certainly didn't go into this update with that in mind; it just felt like the natural breaking point. And thanks - the story is back on them, if only for a while. (Coming out still er... coming up.) I hope you like where they go from here. And funny about the grammar geeks bit. You know, I wrote the "Can I" line and the first thing that popped into my head was Tara's response; it's like a knee-jerk, gradeschool reply, right? And I could just totally see the Tara who won't go online because of bad spelling teasing Willow with it, and Willow just automatically correcting herself because she doesn't care about the grammar, she just wants to know the answer. Make sense? Word dork, in the house! Thanks again - please enjoy the next update.

edob Thanks! And I'm sure the AAAAAA brigade is an AAAAAA division by now!

bouncer73 That was one inconvenient flinch, right? More on the way and the fallout in the next update. Hope you enjoy, and thanks so much for the very kind words.

inspiron I'm so glad that you liked! Thanks for the kind words about the roof bit; it was fun to write them being intimate and cozy. Amen about not wanting to change places with them! Talk about awk....ward! They both have so many different ways they can go with things - more on that in the next couple of updates. And another call for Xander to the rescue! I'm trying to think of what a Xander batsign would be... probably a big X, though he would argue that was too X-men. Hope you enjoy the next update and thanks again!

LittleBit I know, I know, what a way to end a chapter, right? I don't know about master... I certainly don't set out to write a cliffhanger; most of the time it just seems like the right place to take a break because what is after is especially wordy (too wordy to include). Thanks for the very kind words about the character development. That truly is the best thing anyone could say, because it's what I worry about the most. More than anything I just want to be true to the characters, even if they do or say things that I wasn't expecting or think the board might not like. I kind of see this story as happening of its own accord and I'm just chronicling it. Does that make sense? Hope it does! Thanks again, very much appreciated.

TinyAnt I'm actually surprised by how much love this is getting, despite the hated flinch. I expected far worse! You're right that there is no way they'll be able to ignore this flinch. To paraphrase Ron Burgandy, "it's kind of a big deal." Glad that you get that the consequences are the bleurgy part! And thanks for the very kind compliments re: "excitement" vs. the story. It might sound funny, but I try and stay out of the way when writing this. If I'm plotting something or trying to manipulate something I know it's wrong. This is how they're getting together, and I'm just writing it down, you know? And funny about Goosebumps. I think the equivalent here would be Tara stepping on Willow's toe (as some have suggested). More on how they handle post-flinch in the next update, to be sure! Glad you liked the fog discussion. It just seemed very Willow; she's so curious. And thanks for the music offer; PM me with a few suggestions and I promise to check them out.

wimpy0729 Doctor's prescription for speedy update - that's new! (And very funny.) Hope this was speedy enough. Thanks so much!

Weaselbee16 Uh oh, don't forget to breathe! And thanks for the very kidn words, I really appreciate it.

vazy Spaz mode just from the update? Must have been uber-spaz when the flinch popped up! I'm so glad you liked, and yay for In-Control!Tara, even if it didn't end with the big schmoopy kiss we all were hoping for. Willow and her mom... I'm not sure how many updates away that is, but hey, every new update is just that much closer. Thanks so much!

JustSkipIt I loved that you came back for seconds. Too, too funny. Safe to say, I don't think Willow would want to take your phone call right about now! Thanks for posting that bit about the word origin of fog. It seemed like something Willow would be curious about. Very cool about your foggy run, and that it made you think of this little tale. Fog is one of the things that I really miss about SF. Sure, it was sometimes oppressive, but it really could be so lovely. Willow is indeed getting caught up. The finish line is so close that she's making justifications for shortcuts, kind of. Interesting thought about Willow's mom and the meeting earlier. You're right, of course, but I get too how if you're the sort of person given to regrets or what ifs that you might imagine a different life if something like meeting your partner earlier had happened. Re: Willow's selfish line. Her intentions are good... without realizing how bad the rest is. And yes about Willow's dream talk, good thing it was benign and not her usual spicy fare!
And the flinch. Willow is definitely a force of destruction. I think everything you said is pretty valid. I mean, how do you fix flinching out of the first kiss with the person you love more than anything? Especially given what you know it must mean to the girl trying to kiss you. More on that in the next update. And interesting scenario re: Buffy and Willow's coming out. Willow has certainly set herself, and all those she loves, up for a whirlwind of hurt feelings. (And wow, more than The Body? That's a lot of sympathy for Buffy!) For me, it is a part of Willow's personality from canon that was given a bit of a pass on the show with the whole dark magick addiction. I mean, she does things with the best of intentions, thinking she's saving others from pain when really she's just compounding the problem. Does that make sense? Hope you like where it goes from here, Deb, and thanks for the very thoughtful comments.

mishki Amen about the heart problems. And so curious what your downstairs neighbor thought. Maybe that you were watching a sporting event? Missed goal? Thanks!

Bellalocke Thanks so much. Yeah, Debra's thoughts about Willow are pretty understandable. More on Willow's potential world class assholery in the next update, for sure. Hopefully you'll think what happens is appropriate, and that you enjoy where things go from here. Thanks!

dragonfly Thanks so much Clau, hope you had a wonderful holiday season as well. And I'll happily blame your boss! Damn The Man! (Or, in this case, woman.) Thanks so much for the kind words. I agree that Buffy shouldn't have confronted Tara over the phone. Buffy is so far out of the loop that she's lashing out; not good, at all. I think Buffy is going to have a lot of soul-searching to do in the coming weeks, wondering why her friends didn't confide in her. Hopefully, the pain will be the fire that forges stronger friendships. I'm so glad you enjoyed the roof date. It was a lot of fun to write. And yes, Willow's Plan, derailed by Tara being brave. I hope the why of her flinch is believable; that's really all that I strive for, that it seems realistic. Hope you enjoy where it goes from here, and thanks again.

pipsberg Hi. Thanks for the very kind words. I continue to be in awe of the reaction to this story. It is so unexpected and I am so grateful. I think you're right, the reason most people like this story is because we have all been there or are hoping to be there. We can see ourselves in Willow and Tara as they struggle to come together, and for Willow to come out. Totally get you about getting the flinch. It's one thing to say you're gay, a totally different thing to have that first kiss with someone of the same gender. So much fear, anticipation... it's the line. Once you cross it, it's a reality, and that can be terrifying, even if it's what you want most in the world. I don't know, I get being angry with Willow because she's hurting Tara, but I can't help but feel sorry for her because she's not being malicious or doing it on purpose. She just doesn't see yet how she's hurting her. Willow really has dug herself into the worst hole. More on that in the next update. And yes, Willow is totally selfish. I'm glad you think it's in line with her canon characterization. (And wouldn't that be funny if in the very end, Willow turns out to be a witch, Buffy the Slayer, etc.? No? Just me? Okay...) I'm glad it all resonates with you. As you know, I've always wanted to try and keep things as realistic as possible. (And hopefully I've succeed, with varying degress of, er, success.) Thanks so much, very much appreciated. oxox

WR/TM I feel honored! Thank you so much - it was articulate, and very flattering. I appreciate the kind words. I'm glad you feel like you're right there with them. I hope you enjoy the next update.

Samcat Number one French fan? I still can't get over the fact that someone in France is reading something I wrote. The Interwebs truly are a miraculous thing! Glad to know you're reading the updates, thank you so much! I'm glad also that you liked the last update, even with the appearance of angst. And as for the day in the park - more on that in a few updates. I don't know if I'll manage to cover every single second they were together (cause that's a lot of seconds!), but I'll do my best to show the highlights. Thanks so much Anne - happy new year to you too!

Gaga01 Thanks so much! I'm so glad that you understand Willow's flinching. You're right, she is terrified of coming out. More on all that in the next couple of updates. Hope you enjoy where it goes from here.

[EasierSaid]

Title: Neverland
Author: EasierSaid
Feedback: Yes, please.
Spoilers: None.
Setting: AU. There is no Hellmouth, there is no slayer and no magic of the wicca variety. Just our girls and the rest of the Buffy characters living and loving in that great city by the bay, San Francisco.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Please don't sue me Mutant Enemy.
Notes: Aftermath.


Thoughts in italics

PART 60

Willow realized the enormity of her mistake a split second after the flinch; she dropped her head and slightly stepped back, exhaling with a tight smile on her lips as if the movement alone would rewind time and allow her a do over. The one thing she wanted more than anything and she flinched away from it. It was involuntary, such a well practiced movement to hide her true self that she didn't even feel it happening until it was too late. Her mind spun as she tried to figure out how she had allowed this to happen, what she would do next. She finally decided to look up, and the sight before her broke her heart.

It was the worst sight she had ever seen. Unshed tears stung Tara's eyes and a look of abject horror and shame pulled at the blonde's beautiful features. The shame was palpable and Willow couldn't believe she had caused it. She was shocked. She had simply never seen such pain before; she hadn't even thought it possible. "Tara," she said softly, as if by speaking her name alone it would be explanation for her actions. She moved forward, her hands in front of her as if to not spook the girl, but the blonde just ducked her head and brushed past her into the apartment.

The redhead stood momentarily frozen, stunned by the blonde's hasty departure. Willow finally turned and quickly entered the apartment after her, the blonde almost to the stairs. "Tara," she called, the redhead's brow furrowed as worry started to flood her body. It was a mistake. She hadn't meant to move, it just happened. A mistake, and mistakes could be fixed. The blonde turned, tears waiting to fall and Willow's heart lurched.

"It's o-okay," the blonde said, a pained smile on her face.

"It's okay?" Willow thought confused, panic rising in her throat. It's as far from okay as it can be. "Tara–"

"It's late," the blonde interrupted, her eyes falling to the floor. "And w-we're tired." Tara closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before opening her eyes and bringing her head up with a forced smile. "We s-should p-probably get t-to bed."

The stutter. Willow could hardly speak. "Tara–"

The blonde shook her head, the movement silencing Willow. Tara brought her hand to rest on her queasy stomach and opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She backed up a couple of steps, dizzy with shock. With words not forthcoming, she shook her head again and smiled, tight and bashful before turning and quickly ascending the stairs, tears starting to stream down her face as she willed herself not to sob until she was safely in her room.

Willow stood shocked, alone in the great room. She didn't know what to do, and felt sick with indecision, panic and shame. She listened as she heard Tara make her way to her bedroom and quietly shut her door. Like a zombie the redhead moved to the front door. She carefully closed it and then locked it, not thinking of or caring about the wet items they left strew on the landing. She stretched her hearing but heard nothing but the rain. After a long moment she made her way to the stairs.

She climbed them slowly, feeling with each step like she might throw up. She turned and made her way to Tara's room. Willow stopped at the door, her body inches from the barrier. It was a mistake. A misunderstanding. She could explain. She could fix this. She could hear quiet, unidentifiable noise on the other side. She licked her lips and hoped her voice wouldn't crack. "Tara?"

The noise on the other side stopped, and Willow screwed her eyes up. "Tara, can we talk?" There was no reply, and Willow found herself holding her breath. "Tara, please," she almost whispered, her voice pleading and desperate. Again there was no reply. Willow put her hand on the doorknob. She couldn't turn it and enter; it would be such a gross violation of the blonde's privacy, but the knob felt reassuring in her hand. She took a steadying breath.

She didn't know what to do. Say 'I love you' through the door, hope that Tara could hear her spill her guts? The girl could have headphones on for all she knew. The redhead felt numb and confused. What had just happened? She had been asleep, then it was raining, she stroked Tara's cheek and then now, now she was standing outside of Tara's bedroom door feeling like she might be sick. She shook her head. Was she really thinking about telling Tara that she loved her through her bedroom door? This wasn't supposed to be how it happened. She wasn't supposed to be talking to a door, Tara's crushed face on the other side, the blonde thinking the worst. Willow sighed. She could fix this. If they talked, she'd fix this and then spend the rest of her life making sure Tara knew how much she was loved.

"Tara," she spoke quietly, her hand loosening from the door knob, her fingers lightly dancing over the wood. "I..." Words left her, the reality of the situation sinking in. The redhead sighed. "I– I'll be in my room. If you want to talk." She sighed again. It wasn't enough. Would anything be enough? But... She took another stilling breath. It would have to do. If she respected Tara—and she did, immeasurably—for now, it would have to do.

************************************

Tara felt the girl flinch in front of her. She opened her eyes and watched as Willow sighed, taking a small step away in retreat, a tight smile on her lips. And the blonde's heart broke. She had made a mistake. A colossal mistake. She had talked herself into a fantasy and now she realized with crystal clarity that it had been a fairytale. Because Willow had flinched. Dipped her head, backed away. Stood that way for what felt like forever because she didn't want to be kissed. Because she was straight. Probably in love with Xander. And definitely not in love with her.

She had rushed past the redhead into the apartment because she was embarrassed. She was going to wait. Find out more information, let Willow make the first move, if there were moves to be made. She was going to be patient. But trying to kiss Willow wasn't patient, it was impulsive and rash. And Willow flinching... The blonde was so embarrassed.

Willow's voice caught her before she made it to the stairs. The redhead said her name, and it sounded urgent. The blonde turned and saw Willow's confused, struggling face. "It's o-okay." The words were out before she could think them, and when she heard them echo in her ears she realized how ridiculous they sounded. It wasn't okay, it was as far from okay as it could be. She had just tried to kiss Willow. After everything, she had just tried to kiss her and the redhead had stepped away with a look on her face that was so clearly indicative of Tara having made a huge mistake.

The redhead said her name again and Tara cut her off. She could fix this. A few sorries and stuttered words about it never happening again. She said something about being tired, about going to bed but it sounded like someone else, even with the recognizable, ridiculous stutter. And yet again Willow said her name. Was it the look on her face that had stopped the redhead, the movement of her hand to her stomach? Tara knew she had to speak, it was her turn, she had interrupted the redhead, but when the blonde opened her mouth, nothing came out. Her stomach lurched and she realized she couldn't stand there and watch Willow break her heart. Not in that moment. Not after what had just happened on the roof. So she smiled, painfully, awkwardly, and turned for the stairs.

The redhead didn't rush after her. Didn't stop her with a hand on her wrist, her name spoken even more urgently. Tara rushed into her room and shut the door behind her, her shaking hand covering over her mouth as she darted to the far corner of her room by the windows, the furthest place from Willow's ears, and she let loose a muffled, keening sob.

She quickly choked the sound down. She couldn't run away and let Willow hear her sobs, it wasn't right. She pulled the grief back inside and let numbness wash over her. She stared out the window at the heavy rain and shook her head. How did this happen? How did she get to this place?

And then sense began to filter in. A few hours ago she had been so sure of Willow's feelings for her that she had discounted Buffy's warnings. So sure that she had gone up on the roof and let herself be intimate with the redhead in a way that she had only ever dreamed of before. So maybe she panicked when Willow stepped away. Overreacted. In her mind filtered the best case scenario; that Willow was scared. 'I like you, I'm just not ready.' She could deal with that. Embarrassed, but she could deal. She could wait. But the alternative. The sound of Willow babbling filled her head. 'I think you're super nice, but I'm not–' 'I'm sorry if you thought something was going on, but–' 'I hope we can still be friends–' And it wouldn't even be the words that gutted her. It would be the look on Willow's face. That apologetic, awkward look as the words would spill out of her beautiful mouth. The blonde's face scrunched up at the thought of hearing those words and she again fought back a sob.

And then a knock.

"Tara?" The sound cut through her heart like a hot knife. "Tara, can we talk?"

And she felt foolish. She shouldn't have run away. She should have stood there in her living room and let Willow explain. But it had been so hard; the look on the redhead's face, that concerned, apologetic look...

"Tara, please." And the blonde felt the cracks in her breaking heart widen at the sound of Willow's voice. She couldn't just pretend not to hear her. It wasn't right, and it wasn't fair. But if she opened that door, they'd talk. Even if she said she didn't want to, said it was late and that it could wait until morning, Willow would talk. That babble, that inability to stop sharing whatever floated through her mind would kick in and Tara would stand there and take it. And at that moment, she couldn't bear to take it.

Tara stood next to the window and heard Willow speak quietly into the door. She heard her name, softly spoken, and then a pause. The blonde squeezed her eyes shut. The redhead didn't know what to say, and Tara flushed red thinking she was the cause for her awkwardness. The blonde was so embarrassed, so humiliated. Blood rushed into her ears and she barely heard the next softly spoken words out of her roommate's mouth.

But she couldn't deny Willow. Even if the girl was about to completely break her heart, she couldn't deny her. The redhead's voice sounded so plaintive, and the plaintive tone destroyed her. Tara hesitated and then slowly moved to the door. She put her hand on the knob and her brow furrowed as she heard Willow walking away. The blonde took a deep breath. She should stop her. They should talk. She looked down to her hand on the door and saw her wristwatch, ticking the seconds away, and she was reminded of how late it was.

Tara closed her eyes. She should open the door. Walk out into the hallway and hear whatever babbled rejection was bound to come her way. But she was so embarrassed. So humiliated. And so, so soul tired. She slowly exhaled. It could wait. Until morning, only a few hours away, it could wait. She let go of the knob and took a step back. After a long moment, she heard Willow enter her room and shut her door. The blonde turned and moved to her bed, tears sliding down her flush cheeks as she climbed up and buried her face in a pillow.

The previous Saturday Anya had challenged her to kiss Willow. 'What's the worst thing that could happen?' she'd asked. This. This pain, this all-consuming pain was the worst thing that happened.

************************************

Willow paced in her room. Like a caged, nervous animal she strode back and forth, back and forth at the foot of her bed, disbelief and anger writ large on her face. It was muscle memory. She had spent months avoiding contact with Tara, anything that would seem to skirt the line between platonic and romantic. What she had done over the last two weeks, the little touches, had taken conscious thought and attention. The flinch, it was an accident. Something she did automatically to hide her true self. She realized shrugging out of touches in the past had made her seem frigid, but it had allowed her to escape temptation before she was ready. Before she was out. And now, now it had ruined a perfect chance. And maybe everything.

But it was a mistake, and she could fix it.

Hadn't Tara done the same days before? Hadn't she flinched when Willow went to pick up her CDs after they hung the fairy lights? But there was a difference. The blonde was unsure of her intention, was unsure of her, her sexuality. She had a right to flinch. Tonight was different, and Willow knew it. There was no question as to what Tara was doing as their laughs died down and the blonde leaned close. Tara was going to kiss her, and Willow knew it. She knew it as the girl leaned in, as those perfect, full lips got close, the girl's breath dancing across her sensitive flesh. She knew it because she had silently encouraged it all evening, had likely given the blonde permission with the love struck look in her eyes, with the gentle way she held her in her arms as she wiped drops of rain from her face. And the redhead wanted it, wanted it more than anything. But her body, so conditioned to repress, had slammed on the brakes. The redhead slowly exhaled, her face still flush with embarrassment and rage. It was supposed to be a hiccup. An awkward moment that they should have laughed over as Willow rolled her eyes, perhaps rubbed her damp palms on her pants and said, 'sorry, nervous.' It shouldn't have been what it was. Devastating and heart-breaking.

Because that's what it was, heart-breaking. Willow realized with sudden and absolute clarity Tara's feelings for her. The blonde was in love with her. Not maybe, or probably, but absolutely. The shy girl was deeply in love with her and the redhead felt insanely stupid for not recognizing the depth of her feelings sooner. All this time she had been trying to get the girl to like her, and she didn't even consider for a moment whether the blonde already had strong feelings for her. What it must feel like for her, a gay woman, to be in love with an straight woman. How much she must hurt, how unrequited it must have felt, how unattainable she must have seemed.

God she was stupid.

She knew Tara wasn't one to flirt around, wasn't one to dally. The fact that the blonde was flirting with her, a straight woman when she avoided straight-entanglements like the plague, should have been an anvil-sized clue to her true feelings, and yet Willow sidestepped it and walked merrily into a scenario in which she had humiliated the gentle girl.

But it was a mistake. It could be fixed. If Tara was in love with her, wouldn't she be relieved when Willow explained? When the redhead told her that it was just nerves, fear, that she was really in love with her too and please, please could they just be kissing now, wouldn't she be relieved, realize it was a mistake and then, then they could be together? Because that's what she'd do. She's spill her guts, leave all her cards on the table and bare her soul. And Tara would be relieved, and they would kiss, and this whole stupid, sick feeling would be a memory. It would be something they could laugh at when they were old and gray.

Willow swallowed hard, shame and anger falling heavy on her brow. She'd never forgive herself for causing the pain she saw on Tara's face tonight. Even if things turned out for the best—an idea she grasped onto with all of her might—she would still carry the memory of the shocked look on Tara's face. And she'd know that because she was too afraid of her mother, of how she would look in the eyes of a childhood friend, she had caused it.

She was, not for the first time in her life, ashamed to be such a coward.

She felt like a jerk. Earlier on the roof, worrying about things starting badly if she kissed the blonde and was still in the closet, when things in retrospect had already started. A kiss wasn't the start, it had started the second she realized the blonde was flirting back. No, she shook her head. It started when she started flirting. It had been going on for weeks, and all of this, all of the pain, the embarrassment, the hurt, was her fault.

For years the redhead beat herself up for things that had happened when she was younger. Replayed mistakes, things that had been said wrong, or blushed at sentiments incompletely expressed. Endless insomniac hours with a dump truck of bad memories bringing thoughts that she didn't want to remember to turn over and reconsider and relive.

And this. This was ten thousand times worse.

Willow stopped pacing and exhaled, hot, angry tears sliding down her cheeks. She strode purposefully to the head of her bed and grabbed her last remaining pillow, the rest wet and forgotten on the landing downstairs, then grabbed her comforter and pulled it from the bed. She dragged both to the door and threw them on the floor. She wiped the tears from her face and quickly changed into sweats. That done, she burrowed into the pile on the floor, her body resting uneasily against the dual hard surfaces of the door and floor. She pulled the comforter up to her chin and laid her head against the pillow. It was a mistake. A misunderstanding. And as soon as Tara was awake, she would fix it.

[nightmask]

DIBS
!@#$%^&*()_!!!!! this is torture! why didn't willow knock down the damn door and explain to tara that she loves her?!!!
The story just keeps getting better and better but seriously willow needs to talk to tara and fix this >.<

[zampsa19752001]

Yay for excellent update-y goodness... I'm really glad that Willow realized the enormity of her flinching... I truly truly hope that Willow is there first thing in the morning to tell Tara everything. And I hope Tara doesn't do something too stupid and lock herself in her room and refuse to talk to Willow...

[BeMyDeputy]

This sort of mess is why I doubt I could date women again, despite the fact they're so much more attractive then men. Oy vey.

For example.

The redhead didn't rush after her. Didn't stop her with a hand on her wrist, her name spoken even more urgently.

Seriously Tara? You're walking away because Willow didn't try to stop you hard enough?

I'm sure I'll come up with more, but I'm pissed now.

[Grimm]

Wow, thanks for the quick update. I have very mixed emotions right now. Tara being so wounded by Willows perceived rejection breaks my heart and makes me want to burn Willow with a big pot of scowlding hot water!! However comma Willow seeing the error in her ways and being so damn pathetically remorseful keeps me from cursing her name for her cowardice. Please make everything hugs and puppies soon... Tara's pain is heart breaking....

[edob]

wow... willow really needs to rethink the right in right, cause she has got it way wrong, so far.

thanks for the speedy update

love this.....

ps. to be able to evoke emotion in your readers, that's talent, so on to more evoking.

[sabina]

Hi Heather

Oooh, two updates... It feels like Christmas all over again

So, for starters i hope you and you family had great holidays and that the beginning of the new Year finds you well.
Second i wanted to thank you for all the work you have replying to all the comments. At the risk of sounding like a lunatic fan it's kind of awesome to have almost live time replies from the author

Now, for the juicy bits, lol. The fog gazing was absolutely delightful to read it reminded me very much of the happiest and silliest times they had on the series.
I thought Willow was pretty smooth with the lying back and snuggling with Tara and way braver than i was giving her credit for before this update. And i swear my mouth fell open when Willow at the end actually flinched because the whole evening felt like foreplay to me with Willow leading the dance away merrily. It was all just an excuse to snuggle and get closer and get that giddy feeling of anticipation in your belly. So when she turns away from Tara i actually heard my happy happy rainbowing brain screeching to a halt and screaming 'whaaaaatttt? what are you talking about Red? you've been scheeming all night to get that kiss! When you spend all evening snuggling and then tuck hair behing someone's ear, stare at their eyes for moments on end and lick your lips you are begging to be kissed!'

I shame Willow for a coward for that flinch and everything that came afterwards. She had various oportunities to make it all better, she just had to grab Tara's hand and not let her go and that would have been enough.
And really, she's known she was gay for a while now, she seriously has the hots for the girl, so what the hell is she waiting for?!
And why would she after such a huge screw up actually give up and go to her room to leave Tara to worry and cry? She should have knocked on the door until her hand bled, hmpf! I mean, really, she's a lesbian, we're supposed to beat every single subject to death, not let them rest until morning, lol.

I forgive Willow just a tiny bit because she actually for once was hit by the proverbial two by four and realized that Tara loves her desperately so i'm seriously hoping this won't turn into a drama of huge proportions.
I'm with Willow on this one... it was just a tiny mistake, they can work it out the next time they talk... or kiss, even better! Have Willow actually drink a shot of cider for courage, march right up to Tara, grab her face between her hands, stand on her tiptoes and kiss Tara as she deserves to be kissed. You know... 'it's a long and important process and can we just skip it? can they just be kissing now?'

i mean really, please please don't write 5 chapters of drama between them, i don't think i can take it anymore

Anyway, it's 1am in the morning and i have to be up at 7h30 soooo... no more time for babbling as much as i'd love to, lol

Thank you for writing As always they were great chapters.
Take care.

[LonelyTara]

I'll admit, this is the first time this fic has actually made me angry. I've been elated, terrified, filled with joys and sorrows, but never really angry before. Not at you, please don't misconstrue, but at Willow. Believe me, I understand this stories must go as the characters take them, but damn it, someone needs to smack Willow. Not too hard, she's tiny. Here's the chain that leads me to anger:

Tara felt the girl flinch in front of her. She opened her eyes and watched as Willow sighed, taking a small step away in retreat, a tight smile on her lips. And the blonde's heart broke. She had made a mistake. A colossal mistake. She had talked herself into a fantasy and now she realized with crystal clarity that it had been a fairytale. Because Willow had flinched. Dipped her head, backed away. Stood that way for what felt like forever because she didn't want to be kissed. Because she was straight. Probably in love with Xander. And definitely not in love with her.

This catastrophically heartbreaking moment literally made me queasy.

And then sense began to filter in. A few hours ago she had been so sure of Willow's feelings for her that she had discounted Buffy's warnings. So sure that she had gone up on the roof and let herself be intimate with the redhead in a way that she had only ever dreamed of before. So maybe she panicked when Willow stepped away. Overreacted. In her mind filtered the best case scenario; that Willow was scared. 'I like you, I'm just not ready.' She could deal with that. Embarrassed, but she could deal. She could wait. But the alternative. The sound of Willow babbling filled her head. 'I think you're super nice, but I'm not–' 'I'm sorry if you thought something was going on, but–' 'I hope we can still be friends–' And it wouldn't even be the words that gutted her. It would be the look on Willow's face. That apologetic, awkward look as the words would spill out of her beautiful mouth. The blonde's face scrunched up at the thought of hearing those words and she again fought back a sob.

I thought there would be relief here, but then we're taken right back into the "what if" torture. It's so horrifying to be in a space where you're questioning if your worthy of being loved, and whether the person you want to love you can even love you that way or not. Pure and unadulterated anguish. It's a credit to you that you can have us empathizing so tightly with these characters. It's the most infuriating gay movie ever!!

And now we come to the crux of it:

Because that's what it was, heart-breaking. Willow realized with sudden and absolute clarity Tara's feelings for her. The blonde was in love with her. Not maybe, or probably, but absolutely. The shy girl was deeply in love with her and the redhead felt insanely stupid for not recognizing the depth of her feelings sooner. All this time she had been trying to get the girl to like her, and she didn't even consider for a moment whether the blonde already had strong feelings for her. What it must feel like for her, a gay woman, to be in love with an straight woman. How much she must hurt, how unrequited it must have felt, how unattainable she must have seemed.

At this moment it became unacceptable for me that Willow would do anything but march to Tara's room and confess her love. If she truly loves Tara, and FINALLY, realizes that Tara desperately loves her in return, I absolutely do not understand how Willow could leave her in such pain. Plan be damned. How can she even IMAGINE that Tara is sleeping?!

Another speedy update would be much, much appreciated.

[WillowRTaraM1]

Oh boy.. I was afraid of this. This update left me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, which I imagine is what you intended! lol.

It was such a perfect first kiss in the rain!! And I too wish willow had just barged into Tara's room! Especially when it dawned on her that Tara was in love with her.. ahh! How and why would Willow leave Tara in there heartbroken!? I just want to pull my hair out but I have total faith in you that you'll take care of our girls. Beautiful writing as always.

PS- I felt like I reverted back to my 7 year old self stomping my foot in these last few feedbacks! I can't help it! LOL

[Savannah]

Wow.

I just need to poke my head out from lurkdom to say that your fic has me totally drawn in.

I feel physically ill right now thinking about how much pain Tara is in. It's funny really, this story is sort of like my life in some ways - my girlfriend was 'straight' when I met her and I thought she was pining over this guy. It didn't stop me hopelessly falling for her. The pain I feel for Tara brings me back to the pain I felt daily back then! like somebody was just squeeeezing my heart.

Anyhow, the fact that I eventually got my girl and have had many conversations about how she struggled to come out etc., allows me to extend some sympathy to Willow... the fact is, she has built this coming out business into a mountain and perhaps the Plan allows her to cope with scaling it - but ultimately it doesn't change the fact that it is a mountain and all the Plan is doing is blinding her to the other avenues she could use to climb it!

anyhow, i just thought I'd say thanks for writing this wonderful story - even though it is really hard at the moment!

.... back to lurkdom.

p.s. when we do finally get some WT kissage, it is going to be awesome!!!

[bouncer73]

oh man...I pray this is some evil nightmare and it really didnt happen...cause man..I am just heart broken for both Willow and Tara..

Oh please get this smoothed over quickly or have something positive happen

Oh can't wait for next update..This story is just amazing.

[SylverMaki]

Holy Mother of God. It was an amazing quick update and gut wrenching for sure. I hope when Tara opens the door and finds Willow, hope will be pushed back into her heart. Yes it was all Willow's fault.

Thanks for the quick update, I hope the next one fixes it and isn't really 17 updates.

LOVE YOU!!!!

[Gaga01]

Ok, so maybe Willow should've insisted harder to talk to Tara but, once again, her fear is really messing her up...At least knowing that Tara loves her will help her get through her meeting with her mother (hopefully). Willow's life is about to change but she is such a control freak, it's killing me to see her like that...I hope she will find a way to deal with everything before it gets even worse :(

Thanks for posting another update so quickly!!!

[Kajun]

Heather, OUCH. No one ever listens to me. I get it though. It would have been a cop out to let Willow off the hook so easily with the ‘squito bite excuse. Grumble grumble.

Realistically, I suspected the flinch was going to lead to major heartache and did it ever. I’m glad you updated so quickly, but, now it’s even more painful. Knowing you, the fall-out from Willow’s knee-jerk reaction is far from over. When is Shelia supposed to arrive? Sorry, I can’t recall at the moment. I think, if Willow doesn’t “fix” this with Tara before meeting her mom, it will actually give Willow the strength to put on her resolve face and KEEP it on. Shelia will try to spin her around with “reasons” Willow can’t possibly be gay and try to pull a quilt trip on her about grandchildren and such. Willow can still have kids for goodness sakes! Having said that, I also believe if Willow does smooth over this incident, even a little bit, with Tara, she will still be more determined than ever to see the coming out plan through. Either way this plays out.. there’s no turning back now. She hurt Tara –A LOT. And she is fully aware of that. The only way to fix it is to finish the one thing she’s been procrastinating doing for three years. I have complete faith in Tara. She will understand. She will forgive. And she will always and forever love Willow. Even so.. This was incredibly painful to read. The twist in my gut and tightness in my chest won’t be going away anytime soon. I just really hate it when Willow gets hurt. I really, extra hate it when Tara gets hurt. I’m gonna go drown my sorrows now. Please update soonish.

[writerfreak]

MEANIEFACE! Such a cliffhanger. I literally said "bitch" out loud, but I swear I didn't mean it in a bad way. You know I love it, and I would love to continue having fast updates because OMG you're mean and I'm like nearly ready to cry now.

writerfreak

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