Okay, a looooong update (as promised). A sweet moment between Tara & a teeny redhead, then the Willow/Dawn talk.
Warning - there is angst in this update.
Flashback is in italics & was written in response to something
Emms (
MissKittys Ball O Yarn) asked in an early piece of feedback. So, thanks to her for setting my creative mind into motion.
Without further ado, I give you - part 13......
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Just after 8:00pm Anya and Xander had said their goodbyes and took a very sleepy Ryan home to bed.
Tara had quietly slipped out, unnoticed, and sat herself on the front porch swing. When Jules did notice Tara’s absence, she went to find the blonde and wordlessly curled up with her head in Tara’s lap. They swung gently back and forth, Tara stroking Julia’s hair, Julia sucking her thumb and rubbing the material of Tara’s skirt between her fingers.
“Are you okay baby girl?”
“Just sleepy.” The little redhead yawned. “Are you okay Tara?”
“Yeah. I just, I’m not so good with people that I don’t know well.”
“Neither am I.”
“Yeah, I’d kind of noticed that sweetie.” Tara chuckled, lightly tickling Julia’s neck and eliciting a giggle from the youngster.
Once the gentle tickling and giggling had ceased, Julia’s voice filled the comfortable silence.
“My family is really big, and, everyone has someone. There’s auntie Anya and uncle Xander, auntie Dawn and Kate, Lydia and me, Ryan will have his baby brother or sister soon, and grandpa Giles is always there for aunt Buffy. But mommy, my mommy doesn’t really have anyone, she’s all by herself.” The little girl let out a gentle sigh before continuing with an assured, sincere request. “Tara, I’d like you to be a part of my family. I want you be my mommy’s someone. Please?
“Oh Jules, sweetheart, I’m already your mommy’s someone, I always have been.”
“Good.” Julia nodded contentedly and was soon asleep in Tara’s safe embrace.
Lydia had joined Dawn, Kate and Buffy on the couch, until Dawn had whispered something to Kate, then disappeared to join Willow on the back porch.
“I’d offer a penny for your thoughts but, the amount of thoughts that go on in your head at once, I’m afraid I’d run out of pennies.” Dawn joked with the redheaded woman who, over the past few years, had become her most treasured friend.
“Hey Dawnie. You finally felt comfortable enough to leave Kate alone with people?”
“Oh, there’s just Buffy and Lydia in there, I think she’ll be safe.”
“I don’t know, Lydie might babble her to death.” Willow laughed softly. “Where’s Jules and Tara?”
“Front porch I think. Tara’s great with the kids.”
“Yeah she is, she adores them both already.”
“Well that doesn’t surprise me; those girls can capture anyone’s heart in seconds. They’ve already got Kate under their spell.”
“She’s a great girl Dawn, definitely good enough for the littlest Summers girl.”
“Thanks, that means a lot. So, how about Tara? What’s the what with you two?”
“Ah, so that’s why you came out here is it? You want all the gossip?”
“Well, is there gossip to be had?” Dawn grinned and waggled her eyebrows suggestively.
“Not the kind you mean.” Willow jokingly admonishing the direction that Dawn’s questioning had been heading. “We’re taking things slow, it’s been a long time and there’s the twins to consider too.”
“That makes sense. You love her though, don’t you?”
“I always have Dawnie.”
“Does she know?”
“Yes.”
“Does she love you?”
“Yes.”
A short silence followed as both women pondered this information. Telling someone else had somehow made it more real for Willow, and now her mind was full of even more thoughts.
“Willow, can I ask you something?” The redhead’s busy mind was halted by Dawn’s tentative enquiry.
“Of course sweetie.”
“I know it was a long time ago, but, nobody really explained what happened between you and Tara before. I was trying to explain it to Kate and I realised, there’s a lot of holes in the story I was told.”
“You wanna know what happened?”
“No, I wanna understand why it happened. Why did you choose Oz?”
“Oh, okay you missed the first act this morning; I guess I can give you a repeat performance.”
“Huh?”
“I had pretty much the same conversation with Tara and the girls over breakfast today.”
“And what did you tell them?”
“I was scared, back then, back when the decision had to be made. I was scared. Scared of what people might think, but mostly scared of what Oz might do. He lost control; he wolfed out and almost attacked Tara when he figured out that she and I were together. I didn’t want to imagine what he might do if I chose Tara. If he’d wolfed out and hurt someone because of me, because I’d hurt him, I couldn’t have lived with myself. So I chose him. I knew it was wrong, I knew that Tara was the one I should have been with, but, I was too scared.” Tears had sprung to Willow’s eyes as she explained herself, re-living the biggest mistake she had ever made.
“If you knew you were meant to be with her, why didn’t you find her? After Oz left, or even before that, why didn’t you find her and tell her how you felt?”
“I tried to…
…8 years ago…
It had been two long, dark, heart-wrenching weeks since that day. The day Tara’s heart had been torn in two. Both girls had been busy (or pretending to be busy) and had had no contact, but they both knew that this moment, this precise moment, would eventually happen.
“Tara, hey.” The redhead spoke softly, her voice nervous and uncertain. The blonde only nodded, not trusting herself to mutter even a simple ‘hi’ without breaking down.
“Can, can we talk? Please. I, I miss you.” She wanted to say so much, wanted to tell Tara that she’d made a terrible mistake, that she was sorry. Wanted to beg the blonde for forgiveness and a second chance.
But how could she? She didn’t have the right, not now. She’d given that up.
“I, I c-can’t, not, not y-yet. Just… I-I n-need to, to…” She tried to explain, to ask for a little more time to tend to her pain before they had ‘the talk’, but her courage failed her, she couldn’t stand being so close to Willow and feeling so far away from her.
She ran.
With her books pressed firmly against her chest and her head lowered to hide the tears pouring down her face, she ran from the woman she used to turn to for support and comfort.
Willow stood in the middle of the common room and forced herself to watch Tara go. Forced herself to see how much she had hurt the blonde. She spent the rest of the day curled up in her dorm room sobbing anguished tears of regret and guilt.
Three weeks later, Tara’s heart still ached, but she could say the redhead’s name without crying so she decided that now was the right time. The time for the ill-fated ‘talk’.
She left a message on Willow’s answer machine, asking the redhead to meet her at the espresso pump.
It was with great trepidation that the girls approached the coffee shop that day. But they both arrived, and stayed, and talked.
They got coffees then sat in a corner booth; both girls remained silent until their drinks were almost gone. The silence slowly became louder, more deafening, until Willow could stand it no longer.
“Tara, I’m so sorry I hurt you and I know that I don’t deserve… I won’t ever deserve your forgiveness…”
“I, I f-forgive y-you.” It was the smallest whisper, practically silent, but Willow’s words stopped as she looked, amazed and dumbfounded by this incredible woman that she’d been stupid enough to let go.
“Please don’t. How, how can you forgive me? I can’t even forgive myself.” Tears sprang to the redhead’s eyes as she tried to understand Tara’s powerful words.
“I, I l-love you.” Tara explained, and it was as simple as that.
Willow was astounded, the blonde had spoken a total of six gentle, meaningful words, and every thought and emotion Willow had experienced in the past five weeks were spinning around her mind at high speed. She didn’t know anything anymore, nothing made sense. These six words; these six, simple, heartfelt, honest words, they were not what she had been expecting to hear. They were the last things she was expecting to hear.
Now what should she do? She wasn’t prepared for this eventuality.
Anger, pain, tears, guilt, punishment. She was prepared for these.
But kindness? Forgiveness? Love? She was at a loss. How could she react without causing the blonde more pain?
“W-willow, I, I n-need to uhm, to tell you… No, I n-n-need to ask you s-something.”
Shaken out of her confused state by Tara’s voice Willow could only reply with a simple and genuine
“Of course. Anything.”
“I, I n-need, I need to, to n-not be n-near you. I, I thought I c-could b-b-be your f-friend, b-but, I, I c-can’t b-be near you a-and not h-hold you.” Tears rolled unchecked down Tara’s cheeks. “I, I c-can’t not tell y-you that I l-love you, I c-can’t not s-sleep next to you. A-and I, I c-can’t see you w-with, with O-o-oz. I-it’s t-too hard, i-it all h-hurts t-t-too much. I-I’m s-sorry, but, I, I n-need s-space, I need you to, to w-walk a-away from m-me, b-because I-I’m n-not ready t-to w-walk away f-from y-y-you.”
Both girls were sobbing their hearts out, neither caring about the other patrons in the coffee shop.
Willow couldn’t believe what Tara was requesting of her. Now there was no way she could ever ask Tara for a second chance. But, she had to apologise, had to at least try to explain her actions to the blonde.
“Tara please, I…”
“J-just go. Please, d-don’t make th-this harder.” Tara finally raised her head and for the first time in five weeks Willow got a good look at the blonde’s face.
Her deep blue eyes were rimmed with dark circles. They no longer danced and shone with love, but were dulled by so much pain, almost as if she had cried their magical sparkle away. Willow realised that Tara had lost weight, her loose fitting clothes made it virtually unnoticeable, but her too pale, gaunt face made it clear that Tara had not been eating properly recently. She looked so, tired, almost ghostly and Willow’s heart broke all over again at the sight. The redhead didn’t know that she could hate herself as much as she did right at that moment. She didn’t have the right to be anywhere near Tara, not after all she’d done to the blonde.
“I’m so sorry.” Willow whispered, her heart heavy with guilt and shame.
She stood and walked away from the blonde, not even allowing herself one final glance at the broken woman that she had let go.
…Present time…
Both Willow and Dawn were sobbing by the end of Willow’s recalled memories.
“I hurt her so much. I didn’t deserve to have her in my life, didn’t even deserve to breathe the same air as her. I had no right to tell her how I felt.”
“And now?”
“Now? Now eight years have passed. That twinkle’s back in Tara’s eyes; she’s happy again. Whatever pain I caused her, it’s all in the past. We love each other so much, and, we have a second chance, a chance to make everything right. Tara and I belong together, we both knew that right from the very start, and it might have taken a little longer than it should have, but, we’re back on track now.”
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Poor Tara.... Somebody pass the tissues *sniff*
Hugs
Jeanne
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Tara: “Let me guess – you want me to lie on your lap while you feed me grapes, but my sweet, shy, precious, honey you’ve been too shy to ask – yes?” - GROWW by WannaFriendsBe