Hey guys, just updating between soccer games. all of the usual, thanx to kelz for posting, etc, wish me luck (championships baby!)
mxgirl314: sorry bout the difficulty, but thtanx for reading and telling me about it. hopefully kelz can fix it later.
Chris: lol when i saw your name on here for some reason I just started cracking up.
o hey btw. (chris is another friend from school who found the site. slightly less embarassing for me cuz he's a guy...)
glad you liked it, thanx for replying and stuff. more coming, and hehe no :hit for xander yet, sry.
posting now, sry for the delay
TexanZeppo256: lol i havent been on enough *coughs* i mean at all if parents read this- to see your comments on others fics.
glad you love it.
one of the great fics on the board? *swoons* thanx!
ya, i was kinda nervous bout posting it too, because I thought that the setup was too similar to that of three words, but hopefully it will branch out more...
i will take this space to say that I did so not have to look up esoteric- really.
thanx! glad that updates have been good, another one coming now!
-michelle
Ch. 5
“Hey Will.”
Her mouth drops open slightly and confusion washes over her face. In the past few months he had been paying less and less attention to her, passing her in the halls without so much as a wave or hello. To my surprise she turns back to look at me, her features still contorted in question. She seems to realize what she is doing and turns back to him, breaking once to catch my eyes, before facing him fully.
His smile has become rather fixed, but he doesn’t waver from his confident stand. His hand still remains on her arm, and I have to fight down the unfair urge to jump on him and beat him into the snow; but it is not just my jealousy working up now.
All of this time, he knew. I disliked him, deep down, because of his hurtful ignorance of my friend’s feelings. Now I hate him.
It’s a weird feeling, not one that I can ever remember facing before, but with this new betrayal on his part, it burns sickeningly deep down in my gut, the only thing preventing me from physically hurting him the distant ache and wrap around my ankle.
He knew. It’s funny how I could be so prejudiced against him before for not realizing, and yet hate him so much now for knowing.
But it’s not really that he knew, that causes these feelings in me. It’s how he handled it.
He left her love ignored for so long, not ever giving any sign that it showed to him, keeping Willow hiding and secretly hoping.
It’s the fact that he could take something so precious and disregard it, cast it off as nothing.
If he couldn’t feel the same towards her, that’s fine. It makes him crazy in my book, but it’s fine.
But to keep her love with him, and never acknowledge it so that she could move on; to keep it for himself even though he didn’t want it, to keep her tied to him in case he ever wanted to use it in a case such as this… it is beyond low.
That is the reason behind his confident posture and smooth grin, he knows that she likes him. He is willing to take his friend who was there for him and do this to her, use her, just to get back at Cordelia.
And I have to hate him for it.
But that’s not the worst part. I have to pretend like nothing is wrong. I have to help him, for crying out loud, because Willow will not catch it.
I know her, if she is still as head over heels for him as she was when she found out about him and Cordelia- and I am almost sure that she is; she has shown no signs of liking anyone else, at least none that I can pick up- then all of it will go over her head. As a best friend, I will have to sit by and watch as she gushes over him, only to see and feel heart get broken when he and Cordelia stop fighting, as they always do.
I come back to reality soon enough to direct my gaze elsewhere before Xander notices the little holes I have been glaring through him in the few seconds it has taken to put this all together. Buffy’s pointed glance, though, assures me that I will have yet another explanation to give later. Great.
I think with almost humorous longing of the sheer, carefree mood of three minutes ago. It is almost funny, from my standpoint, how quickly things can turn around and throw problems back in your face…almost. Xander’s voice startles us out of the weird silence that has occupied our group since he appeared.
“Sorry to bother you, just wondering if you wanted to head down to the slopes for a little skiing contest.”
When Buffy’s eyebrow shoots up questioningly, he adds quickly
“Uh, you know, a little one on one match.”
Great. By invitation only, private contest. Translates to alone time, with plenty of maneuverability to get close to Cordelia.
Which means… oh, I do not want to go there. I don’t want to know how far he will take Willow’s feelings for him to make his girlfriend jealous. Will he kiss her? That prospect is going to haunt me the entire time she is gone with him.
“Sorry, can’t right now.”
Her voice startles me out of my thoughts even before what she is saying registers. She is- what? Not going with him? When did this happen?
Her shoulder nudges me gently as she gestures to him.
“Kinda got help a friend get home. She hurt her ankle.”
Her voice is pretty clear, considering how nervous I know she must be talking to him, and her eyes don’t show any sign of regret.
But I can’t let her do that for me, even if I hate him; this is the one chance that she has had so far to get close to him, and she’s passing it up for me? I have no idea what to do.
There should be best friend handbook for this, something to tell me what is right.
On one hand, I am about to let my best friend pass up the chance to hang out with the guy she’s loved for at least the past three years, for me. Can I really be that selfish? Would I let my own helpless feelings for her get in the way of the only opportunity to get close to the one person that she has wished after for this long?
But can I really let her go off with a guy I know is only using her? Is that my job as a best friend?
God, nothing I can do is right! I have to pick a course to follow; I can’t just sit here and watch as she turns him down for me, but I also can’t help him to hurt her.
Can I? Is it possible that I am being unfair to him, and that he might actually be giving her a chance? Am I making up excuses in my head to keep her from him?
No matter how unlikely the possibility that he is doing anything but using her is, the prospect of them together jolts me, because I cannot see a way that he could spend any amount of time with her as something other than a friend and not see exactly what I know he’s been giving up. And it scares me.
No matter how much I try to justify my protectiveness of her with rational explanations, there is always the underlying fear that it is jealousy that pulls the shadows out of him and makes him into such a dark person. With both his previously assumed ignorance and his present betrayal, I cannot shake the feeling that I might be pulling at loose threads, desperately trying to unravel the love that Willow feels for someone aside from me.
I am not too stupid, even if my vision is hazed by a love-induced screen, to see that the chances are slim that things will work out for her with him. He is obviously using her, I cannot, and don’t wish to, deny that.
But even in ninth grade, almost two years before I knew of my own feelings for her, she loved Xander. It is impossible to imagine that her feelings for him reach anywhere close to my feelings for her, or she would have gone crazy long ago.
But their chance of success is much greater than any I’d ever have with her. The risk she’d be taking, in accepting today, would be so much like the one I had planned to take tonight. Except that hers has a possible light at the end of the tunnel, a tiny hope that things would come out right. Despite the variations in circumstance, our situations are so much the same.
And I would do it.
If there was a single chance among the millions and millions of heartbreaks and bad endings that I can imagine for Willow and me, I’d do it in an instant. I’d do it a thousand times over.
So I can’t hold her back from taking that same chance with Xander. No matter how much it will rip into my own heart or hers, I cannot protect her from that.
If she ends up with him, that’s something that I will have to deal with. If not, it is a consequence of that one, foolish risk that she cannot help but take, one that I will have to help her move past.
My mind moves quickly back to my surroundings, back to the snow filled clearing by the parking lot for the resort.
How long has it been? On minute, two?
If my mind were not burdened by the heavy weight of the decision I have just made, the still poses and conflicting expressions, so much resembling a soap opera take, that have spread to all of the people surrounding me would make me laugh. It was comical- Willow would know the exact type of irony applied here- how closely our dramatic pretenses, present in the awkward silence and drawn expressions, and this ever-changing game of unrequited love themed musical chairs were linked. But I have to set down a few rules for the game now, ones that continue to stack the cards against me and my deadline so lightly set for tonight.
“Willow, it’s okay.” Buffy’s and Xander’s eyes flash to me as my voice breaks the silence, but as I look to her I find that her were already there.
She seems to take a second to snap out of her trance.
“Huh?” She is obviously completely bewildered, not realizing what I am talking about.
‘You can go with Xander Will.” My voice comes out gently for some reason, completely belying the inner sinking I feel at the way his face lights up almost greedily at my words.
Willow loves him. Willow loves him.
Somehow these words only serve to further enflame the fire that rages in my chest; it’s a surprise that I can find the self control not to punch him right there.
“Tara?” Willow gentle inquiry draws my eyes away from Xander, who is now fidgeting nervously under the daggers I am willing at him through my gaze.
When I turn to her I find her face much closer than I’d expected. Good thing she is still talking, because even with my new resolution, her proximity still flusters me to the point that I cannot speak.
“Tara, your ankles hurt. What kinda friend would I be if I let you just walk home by yourself?” Her eyes sparkle sweetly as she tilts her head at me, completing the adorable questioning look. My resolve almost crumbles right here, her innocent allure is so sweet.
But no, I have to put my best friend-Tara duties before my admirer-Tara musings, as always. And that’s how it should be.
“But Will, Buffy can help me get back, you don’t need to…” But her eyes are silently pleading with me, for what I cannot tell, as I trail off.
“I know, but I promised you a best friend snow day, ‘member?” Her hand closes reassuringly over mine, entrancing me with the way her fingers run soothingly over my palm, as she continues to beg with her eyes, her lip even jutting out almost undetectably in a hidden pout.
Resolution be damned. How can I resist?
“Okay.” My voice comes out shakily, but I think I’ve managed to clear almost all of the confusion from my face as I turn to Xander. “Sorry, I kinda, uh,” I glance over at Buffy, “tripped earlier, and I don’t think I can get home without her help…”
His pasted smile is failing more and more by the minute, replaced by something akin to both disappointment and shock. He takes a minute to recover, but does so semi-gracefully.
“Ah, no problem.” He waves his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Good luck with the ankle by the way.” He turns to go, but halts when he sees Cordelia still behind him, watching with narrowed eyes. He hesitates for a fraction of a second, then wheels back around, his face caught somewhere between a smile the grimace of a man resolved to the fact that he is stuck in some disadvantageous situation and must go through with it.
“Hey, Will.” His ears are slightly pink now. That’s good, if he’s going to get a date with her, he should at least have to earn it.
“Just wondering, uh, wanna, I don’t know, go to the movies after you gat Tara home? I mean, if you get finished with the whole-” he gestured sharply at me with a jerk of his arm, “friend day, thing.”
His voice rings annoyingly in my ears as I subconsciously try to wish him away. I need to get back to concentrating on Willow, I had just detected some look in her eye that I hadn’t noticed before, slightly dreamy, with more than a hint of affection…
I snap out of my trance almost immediately and break eye contact with her almost guiltily to look at him. I pause once to glance back at the wistful gleam in her eye as she stares off into space. The simple puzzle of a new Willow-look has turned serious as I wonder at what caused such a reaction with her while trying ignore the humongous jealousy rising within me.
Right before it appeared, she was looking at me, and then he asked… realization hits with numbing force, knocking down the tiny structure of hope I cannot believe I allowed myself to build. Did I actually consider, for a single second, that the wonderful emotions shining out of her eyes might be for me?
But I discard that quickly, ignoring the stinging that rises to my eyes, the smoky vapor of my destroyed fantasy condensing in my eyes and threatening to spill over.
I blink quickly, hoping she hasn’t noticed, and turn to Xander. I cannot allow myself to start this, not now. I have never actually entertained the possibility that Willow would ever think of me as more than a friend, not except late at night in the deep safety of my bed, my dreams stored safely away within my hidden hopes in the daytime. Nothing has changed, I cannot allow myself to imagine things that I know can never be true, not now, not here.
Xander is studying me with an expression of intense interest. Which turns slightly glazed as he imagines… oh, god, what is he imagining? Am I really this obvious?
“She’d love to go.” My voice rings out clearly towards him, snapping through to whatever mental images he was having and bringing him back to the present.
He raises an eyebrow at me.
“Uh, how do you…?” I turn back to her love-struck expression.
“I can just tell.” Even I can detect the sad undertone in my own voice, and I hurriedly continue, hoping to cover it up.
“Besides, I don’t think she’ll be in any condition to answer you soon.” With that, I turn from him, dragging her with me, as he calls over my shoulder.
“I’ll pick her up at six!”
I can only nod as her dead weight pulls on my arm. As I try to turn her body with mine to start the walk back to her house, my hand is jerked out of hers, my fingers continuing the soft caressing motion I didn’t know they were making on the empty air. Something about the jolt seems to snap her out of the supposed Xander elicited stupor, and she rounds on me.
“Wait, what? At six, what did you-” Her eyes go wide as she catches the implications of it. Somehow I manage to find a smile in response, although I know it won’t be very convincing; I am crying inside, weakened by the one moment I gave and allowed myself to hope. As we turn towards her house she walks in stunned silence, stepping mechanically as her mind roams freely, considering something I do not want to guess at.
I unconsciously adjust my gait to a limp as the pressure keeping my weight off of my ankle lessens with her concentration, but I am too distracted with studying the expressions on her face to notice. She too turns to look at me, and for what seems like the hundredth time that day we are caught in an awkward contest of shy glances and blushing. Her eyes finally catch mine, firmly drawing me into their depths.
A hand on my shoulder made me turn reluctantly away from the deep embrace her eyes had caught mine in. Buffy walked quietly alongside me, looking almost apologetic at interrupting… whatever that had been.
She definitely is sensing something, how much I cannot tell. She gives me a sad half smile before linking her arm with mine and positioning her shoulder under mine as she notices my increasingly pronounced limp.
As the weight on Willow lessens she looks over and realizes what Buffy is doing. Her face quickly turns from dazed and contemplating to worried and guilty.
“Oh, goddess, Tara, I’m sorry. Here.” She quickly returns the support she had been lending me previously, her eyes shining with anxiety. I squeeze her hand reassuringly; her touching amount of concern for my comfort and opinion both sooths me and brings up a fresh round of pain in my frazzled, overused heart.
“It’s no problem Will. You’ve been practically carrying me all day. You can take break, don’t worry.” She smiles a little, but immediately switches expressions to impose her famed resolve face against my apparently unacceptable comment.
“Nu uh, no way. As your best friend, I must rule that decision deplorable and therefore non-effective. I can ‘carry you’ the rest of the way home.” Her eyes get an amused gleam as she moves even closer to me, her head resting on my shoulder.
“Besides, I like where I am just fine, thanks.” She grins widely at me, her tongue peeking out from in between her teeth. Lucky thing she and Buffy were holding me up, because the warmth in her words melts me from the inside out; simply kryptonite to the resolve I had built to keep from giving her such obvious signs until I tell her the truth, my head moving of it’s own will to rest my cheek lightly on the silky red locks flowing over my shoulders.
No matter how much I try, I cannot bring myself to unlock my fingers, tightly entwined with hers where they rest on my hip, to lift my head off of hers, which lays securely on the front of my shoulder, or to pull my mind from the distant, instinctive analyzation of her comment, my shattered hopes quickly reconstructing themselves, frightening me with the speed at which they build up again, so much faster than I can knock them down with rational explanations or frantic denials.
I can feel Buffy’s eyes on my head, and still I cannot bring myself to lessen the intimacy of the situation by any degree. I know what she is thinking, I can practically hear the wheels turning in her head as she draws the obvious connections I must stop her from completing. But the urgent need to halt her forming or already drawn conclusions is only felt from far off as I burrow deeper inside of Willow’s jacket, inhaling her scent deeply, and feeling it shoot straight to my core, along with all of the other emotions and sensations flooding my mind, until everything starts to overload and my barriers break down, letting everything I feel race home into my soul.
It’s moments like this, the ones I treasure so much, that keep me hiding. Once I tell her, they will not be allowed to happen anymore, that much I am realistic enough to realize.
It’s moments like this that I live for lately, moments when I can just forget the entire world and all of the rational consequences and let my love consume me.
It’s moments like this that let me know I have to tell her, for I cannot help but feel that I am betraying her by allowing myself these exquisite seconds of fantasizing and pretending, while she warms to me as a friend and nothing else.
It’s moments like these, working up so many intense and conflicting emotions with no right solution, that are slowly killing me.
We walk in mutual silence, each of us turning new or old problems over in our heads, content to let everything be, if just for a moment, as we near Willow’s house.
When we reach the front door, Buffy works an arm around my back and taps Willow on the shoulder.
“Hey Will?” The welcome weight of her head is lifted off of my shoulder reluctantly and Willow looks to Buffy, who has begun to put more strength into holding me up.
“Go inside and get in the shower, we’ve still got about two hours before Xand gets here, so you have enough time. I can help Tara get inside and sitting down and stuff.”
Willow hesitates for only a half second before responding, nodding to Buffy as she walks in the door and heads off towards the back of the house.
When I am sure she is out of hearing distance, I face Buffy.
“What are you-”
“I just needed to talk to you for a second.” Buffy gently guides me through the doorframe as we talk, careful not to hit my ankle on anything while we walk.
“What you did back there for Willow? That was cool.” I feel myself freeze as I understand what she is implying, my fear enhanced by the way she is obviously studying me.
“Buffy, I d-don’t know wh-what your-” But she cuts me off before I can even finish my stuttering attempt to hide.
“Tara, you know exactly what I’m talking about.” She stares directly at me, not allowing me to escape the truth of what she is saying no matter how much I try to shield it from her, but her gaze has turned slightly comforting at the same time.
“I’m not going to judge you, if there is really anything to judge. I won’t tell Willow, if that’s what you’re worried about, although I don’t think she-”
“Please don’t tell her. Buffy I- god, I’m never going to stand the look on her face when I-”
“Tara, don’t worry, I just said I wouldn’t. But you’re going to have to sometime.”
I can only nod at this, as I am caught holding back tears that have no right to show up now.
“All I was saying was that what you did for her earlier, at the slopes, it was loyal. She won’t forget it.”
I smile sadly at her comment, the reality of the situation always so much more ironic and twisted than I can handle.
“What kind of person would I be if I let a friend pass up their first chance to be with someone they love?”
Buffy’s face softens as she thinks about my heartfelt comment, a small, sad smile playing on her lips and in her eyes as she considers something.
“Guess you’re right. Now come one, Will’s gonna kill me if I keep you out here for another second. Let’s get you sitting down.”
by Arwen276 » Wed Nov 12, 2003 7:06 am 
for his actions. I'm intrigued by the developments with Buffy, and I'm looking forward to reading the next update. 
, but doesn't sing:: 
Another wonderful update! 
) to get to replies, thanx again to kelz for emailing them to me and posting and stuff. 
.
Spot 
,
It is so sweet and everything. 
For a few minutes there I thought that 
had the same feelings for 
as she had for her. 
I think that I'm right. 
Buffy was sweet with that little talk. 
I hope that Buffy finds a way to either convince 
more. Update soon, please? 
at: 11/26/03 1:35 am