An: I know this topic is over done but its what I felt like writing so deal with it.After the breakup willow keeps a journal of how she is feeling. I own nothing blah blah blah. Now enjoy or don't whatever it doesn't matter to me.
Without my everything
Have you ever loved somebody so much that just the love you felt for them made all the bad things seem like nothing? Ever care so much you'd give up all your convictions and go against them for this person? I have. But I should have realized it wasn't worth it in the beginning. Love isn't at all that I thought it was. Love is a joke, a lie we tell ourselves when the nights get too cold and the days are too lonely, “If I had love, I’d be happy and I’d be warm and I’d be safe.” BULLSHIT. I wanted to believe that faith and love and trust were enough, but I took the leap I couldn't take. But I did, and I did it over and over again. She was so supposed to take me in her arms and tell me everything was as going to be ok. Not give me a false hope that love would prevail. I gave her all of me, every piece of me I tried to hide, she had. She knows everything, and she doesn't care. She left. Love is pointless; it's a leap off of a building you take, thinking you can fly. But the only way to go is down, and I went down, and I'm still falling. I thought love was what could save me from the horrors I've seen and the pain I’ve felt, but then my heart splattered on the ground, into nothing. They say that I should pick myself up and try again..... But how can I do that when every second I remember the way I felt in her arms. Love only kept me safe and warm, as a trick. So here I am, cold, and alone. I'm wondering what's going to happen, what I'm going to do without my everything.
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I told my friends that it's not her fault, that she's doing what’s right. I know, I'm grabbing bait to my own fishing pool, and all I'm going to do is lose my bait, rip myself open, and get back right where I started; all alone. I don't want to be alone yet, not now. Yet I do, and I'm getting so confused on what to do. I want to be with her, but then I just want to curl up in a corner and never see the light of day again. No light could ever be as good as the light I saw in her eyes, and in the smile she had on her beautiful face. No one I could find could make me feel as comfortable, safe, and loved as she did. She kept me warm, even when she wasn't around. But I'm alone, I need to get that through my head, and crawl into that corner. I need to black out my widows, and live alone inside my room, where the music on the stereo is all about how love is shitty.
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It's my fault; I should have seen the signs. Her telling me not to rely on her, telling me she was staying with me for now. The signs smacked me in the face, but love had me blind to its oncoming torture. So now I suffer under the blades of her lies and words, seeing every contradiction I should have taken into consideration. I had blind faith, and I walked off a cliff thinking she was there to catch me. Her arms never were there when I came to the ground. The ground came at me faster, and she stepped back, eyes closed and hands folded across her chest. When I hit.... she didn't care. Maybe she does, but I don't believe she can if she could leave me like this. I don't know whether to blow the world off, or cry and never stop, I want to beat something, and make it feel what I'm feeling. I want to rip my own heart apart so that it never misleads me again. I am foolish, a hopeless romantic who was just trying to feel alive for once in my life. But death is my home, my comfort, and my way of life. I'm dead now, inside there's no hope. I have lost hope in the things I thought I could believe in. I took a chance when everything seemed black and horrid and I was fed up with love. She gave me a fighting chance to rip it away, and left me with even less strength than when we started. I'm not strong anymore; I don't think I ever was. I relied on magic to keep me going, and now I'm not sure that will even work.
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I'm so messed up in the head from this; I don't know what I believe. I don't know if love is what I thought. I used to think love was something that could prevail through all the darkness and hold me up from the pain I seemed to be drowning in. I thought that love was all I needed to be alive. It made me feel alive! I felt like I had something real for once! Finally, after all these years of hating myself, and falling and never getting back up, I was standing, and smiling, and appreciating life. I gave it my all.... I gave this all I had, and then some. I gave trust, I gave love, and I gave hope. I gave everything I could, and now it's been thrown back in my face with a hearty laugh and snicker to cut away my pride. I have nothing left but the thoughts of what I had, and what I have lost. I lost her. And she.... She meant so much, and gave me everything I needed to feel like life was worth it. I felt so humble, and safe, and warm, and loved. I felt like I had something real. I guess the only real thing out of this was the thoughts I had about love before.
I give up on this thing we all crave to have. I give up trying to believe love will keep me safe and warm and protect me from the dark. I give up trying to feel loved and cared about. I tried that, I tried to believe everything was good in love. Now my heart is on the floor, with nothing left inside but a black hole; that only she could fill.
