Hi,
I spent almost 3 hours cutting, pasting and revising and somehow it got lost so I'm trying again.
Many thanks for the advice about code and punctuation.
Your kindness and generosity is sincerely appreciated. I'll keep trying.
Title: Courage
Author: Ariel
E-mail:
blaziak@yahoo.comDisclaimers: I don't own these characters, but I love them!
Rating: PG, PG-13 at the most (but I'm getting intrigued by the "genii-of-the bed" concept. Anyone want to take a wish? Divide it up?)
Summary: Takes place shortly after "New Moon Rising" and includes W/T and brief Buffyness but no other Scoobies or familiar faces. It's a look at love and at diffferent kinds of courage.
Courage
Tara smiled, and then twisted her fingers nervously in her lap. She loved her Wednesday/Friday Art History class. She was passionate about art and enjoyed how her professor kept the material vivid and interesting.
For the past few weeks she had been gathering her courage to raise her hand and answer a question. Normally she never spoke in class; even speaking at the small Wicca group had been impossible. She felt humiliated by her stutter and sat silently through every class, an expert at avoiding the teacher’s attention. But this class was different. The professor had written positive comments on her papers, expressed interest in her ideas, and Tara wanted to be part of the class discussion. So she began reading about the Impressionists, about the play of light and color, about a new way of seeing the world. She read the assigned text and studied art books. She made up questions and practiced answering them in her room, trying for the same easy confidence her lover, Willow, seemed to have at school. She had made up her mind: Today, Wednesday, was the day she was going to talk. Several times that period she had raised her hand a few inches, but not surprisingly her professor hadn’t seemed to notice the timid gestures. The class was about to end and Tara was desperate to speak up and truly join the class.
Meanwhile Professor Jacobson was in full swing, striding back and forth with her cloud of blond hair floating on her shoulders as she fired questions at her students.
“So, we’re on to the Impressionists at last! Anyone, what is Impressionism about?”
Tara knew the answer, but hesitated an instant before shooting her hand into the air, knocking her pen off the desk in the process.
“Arthur?”
The black-haired boy leaned forward as he spoke, “it’s about emotion, kind of a visual impression instead of a photographic copy.”
Professor Jacobson smiled.
“Excellent! What else? Tara?”
Tara’s head jerked up, she was squatting to grab her pen and felt the gaze of the whole class as she jammed herself awkwardly back into her seat. She grabbed her desk top, knuckles white.
“The pl-pl-play, the pl-play of c-color,” she was losing it.
A boy laughed from a few seats away and Tara felt her face get hot but she lifted her chin, determined to try again.
“The pl-pl-play uh-of,” the boy laughed louder and the Professor’s lips thinned disapprovingly.
“Tara’s talking. Please give her your attention.”
In a soft Elmer Fudd voice that only a few people around them could hear, the boy said, “We must be vewwy quiet.”
More people laughed, more from nervousness than cruelty, but Tara didn’t know that. Hot tears pricked in her eyes. She had utterly failed, but she gulped, vowing that they would not have the satisfaction of seeing her cry. She raised her head again, but Professor Jacobson spoke first, “that’s enough. Every single person in this class will treat each other with respect.”
An instant later a prankster in the hall pulled the fire alarm and the boy added Porky Pig’s famous stutter to the line-up, “Buh-dee, Buh-dee, Buh-dee, th-that’s all Folks!”
There was even more laughter as well as a few supportive glances thrown her way that Tara didn’t see. All her energy was directed towards controlling her breathing so that she wouldn’t cry in front of the class as the room emptied.
Professor Jacobson approached, obviously concerned.
“Tara? Are you alright?”
Tara kept her head down, hair over her face and fists clenched in her lap, but managed a quick affirmative nod since being pitied by her teacher made everything even worse.
“Your work is excellent,” Tara remained rigid, keeping the tears back with great effort, “but I won’t call on you in class again if it’s too difficult.”
Tara nodded again, still not trusting her voice. She stood up, grabbed her books and was able to get out of the room before the tears started. Her best class with a teacher who respected her work and even liked her and it was ruined. She had worked and studied and practiced for hours and still made a complete fool out of herself. She had dreamed of making Willow proud of her and surprising Willow with her success, but her father was right, she was stupid and worthless. She’d never just be a real student in the class. She’d always be a 'handle with care' package that no one would feel comfortable around. She wouldn’t even get a chance to make it right because Professor Jacobson would never call on her again.
Meanwhile Willow and Buffy were walking down the hall towards the cafeteria.
Willow spoke, “So Danielson throws an extra 6 chapters on us today. What a jerk!”
Buffy nodded her fervent agreement. Professor Danielson taught freshman English so there was no escape.
Willow continued, “Tara’s meeting us so we can fuel up for homework hell; she’s got a biology test coming up Friday.”
Buffy grinned.
“You know the great thing about going to college? It makes me appreciate slayage by comparison. You only have to
do it, not too much study, and no number #2 pencils required! Actually a #2 pencil can work as a stake if you get the angle just right”
Willow nodded, “Yeah, but a failing grade in slaying is a lot more serious!”
She saw her lover approaching from down the hall. “Tara! Over here!” But Tara hurried rapidly down the hall with her eyes on the ground and didn’t seem to see Willow. As the blond approached, Willow caught Tara’s elbow using the girl's forward momentum to swing her around for a kiss. As the blonde’s hair moved aside, Willow saw Tara’s tear-stained face.
“What is it, baby?”
Tara struggled to speak, “I St-st-stuh-stuttered!” Th-they l-laughed at m-me.”
The blonde began sobbing uncontrollably, swaying on her feet and almost falling. Buffy picked her up in her arms as if Tara weighed no more than a baby.
“Okay, Buffymobile at the ready. First stop, Tara’s room” and with that she carried the crying Tara down the hall and up the stairs, followed by an envious Willow who would have loved to pick up and carry her girl that way.
Then Buffy laid Tara gently on her bed and gave her shoulder a little squeeze. “Feel better, Tara, okay? Take over, Wills. See ya!”
Willow had never seen Tara cry like this or seem so utterly despairing. She held Tara tightly in her arms, stroking her hair, and blotting the tears as best she could. Tara sobbed and struggled through the story, her stutter making it nearly impossible for her to speak but Willow was patient and tender and the story was finally finished.
“Tara, honey, what are you going to do?”
Tara swallowed. "Go b-back Fr-Friday."
Willow hesitated, but she had to mention the possibility, “or you could drop the class.”
Tara’s sat bolt upright and her blue eyes flashed, “I w-won’t quit! I l-like Art History and they c-can’t m-make me l-leave.”
Willow spoke slowly, “Tara, there’s a lot more to this than just some jerk in class. What is it, baby?”
Tara drew a deep, shuddering breath, trying to pull her thoughts together.
“Always g-got m-made fun of. Pr-pr-primary school, juh-junior h-high, h-high school too. I thought c-college would be d-different. It w-was j-just like huh-high school.”
“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.” Willow nodded understandingly, brushing tears from Tara’s cheeks. “I had something like it happen when I went to a frat party. This jock I’d helped through school told his girlfriend I was ‘captain of the Geek Squad’. Took me right back to high school hell!”
Tara managed a watery smile and Willow was encouraged to go all out.
“Yep. It’s hard to believe that a fashionista glamour-bod like me used to be considered unattractive but it’s actually true.” Her voice got softer, “and sometimes it still feels true. Like Willow the Dork-a-saurus will be climbing back up out of the rubble of Sunnydale high. Just now I felt like a useless idiot because I couldn’t carry you up here in my arms like Buffy could.”
Tara gave her a comforting hug and snuggled in closer.
Willow sighed gratefully and returned the embrace.
“Can I sleep here with you tonight?”
Tara grinned, “you h-have to ask? Doofus!”
Willow grinned back.
“I’ll have you know, Miss Maclay, that Buffy Summers has examined my grades and says she suffers from genius-envy which is like penis envy but with a brain. So I am intensely un-doofus-like.”
She stuck her tongue out at Tara who returned the gesture with gusto. Willow was impressed.
“Ever consider going pro? You’ve got a gift! Did you study? ”
Tara laughed. “Try d-dealing with a kid brother, h-had to join him to beat him.”
Willow smiled seductively, “It would be a pity to waste that kind of talent.”
“Temptress!”
But Tara moved closer and began stroking Willow’s arm, finally parting Willow’s lips with her tongue and demanding entry. Willow felt the same painfully sweet ache that could only be pleased by Tara’s touch and it felt wonderful to give her beloved the same sweet release. Between her earlier emotions and their lovemaking, Tara slept deeply. Willow watched her beloved sleep, searching for a heroic deed to do in her lady’s honor to prove to Tara how special she was. Finally she found it. That’s it, she told herself, it’s perfect. Perfectly terrifying that is! Well, she’d do it. Morning came all too soon.
Willow enjoyed watching Tara stretch. There was a slow, luscious sensuality to the blonde’s movements that stirred Willow every time. Tara yawned and gave Willow a sleepy, satisfied smile.
“Good morning, baby.”
“Good morning, Tara. Can you do me a favor?”
Tara’s smile was pure seduction, “I am the Genii-of-the-bed. I will grant you three wishes but they must all be performed in this bed.”
Suddenly Willow had a hard time swallowing and her great idea seemed like a tragic waste of three wishes.
Her voice squeaked, “can you take me horseback riding?”
“What?” Tara was stunned.
Now it was Willow’s turn to stutter. “Can you take me h-horseback riding?”
“Without you screaming, shaking, or fainting? I don’t know.
Can I take you horseback riding?”
“I wanna give it a, a try.”
Tara shook her head as if to clear it out. “Okay, baby. I never saw this one coming! Saturday morning it is.”
To Willow’s horror, Saturday dawned bright and clear. There was no chance of cancelling due to bad weather. The day had an almost terrifying sunshiny beauty that made Willow long for the comfortable familiarity of a graveyard at night. It was impossible to call off the horseback riding lesson. Suddenly Willow smiled hopefully; maybe she’d break her leg or throw up or something. No luck, she thought, I’m as healthy as a horse. Then she shuddered over the ‘h’ word and the idea of that word brought to sweating, trotting, snorting life with her astride it.
Giles was nice enough to lend them his car and Tara took advantage of the drive down to the stables to ask questions.
“Willow, tell me about the pony again. How did you get so scared of horses?”
“I was four. My folks hired a giant, evil Shetland pony about nine feet tall to give kids rides at my birthday party. We were bobbing for apples, even my party game was a nerd-fest, when the horse wandered over and bobbed too. Suddenly this giant head was smashing me into the side of the tub. I couldn’t breathe. They pulled the horse back and I came up sputtering staring right in its face all blurry and big. It was terrifying! Then it was about to eat me but first that evil Cupcake spat on me.”
“Cupcake?” Tara fought back a grin, determined to be as nice to Willow as Willow had been to her. “It was probably just blowing a bit, honey. I’m sure it didn’t mean anything.”
“Yeah. Whatever. Let’s just do this, okay?”
“You don’t have to, Willow.”
“Yes I do. If you can, I can.”
Tara shook her head, confused, then parked the car and made the arrangements. She emerged leading a bay mare. A wiry, brown skinned young woman in jeans and cowboy boots was walking by her side. The black-haired woman offered a bright smile and a strong grip as she shook hands with Willow.
“Hi. I’m Corina Blanco. Tara tells me you’re a beginner, totally green to riding.”
“More like green all over,” Willow gasped, trying to joke her way through her nervousness. “but maybe I can change that to black and blue. I’m trying to play through my fears or should I say terror. Yeah. Terror just about sums it up.”
Corina laughed, flashing another smile before she spoke.
“Well, Tara’s pretty special around here. She shows up every month or two to work with the beginners and groom horses so you can have Dolly for an hour, no charge, and use this ring before class starts."
“Thanks again, Cory.” Tara gave her a quick hug that Corina seemed willing to extend before finally waving and heading back into the stable office.
Tara turned back to Willow, indicating the horse beside her.
“Willow, this is Dolly. She’s been here a long time and she’s very, very gentle and teaches all the beginners. Dolly, this is Willow who I love the most in the world. She’s a little scared so please be good to her. Okay, Willow come stand by me on Dolly’s left side.”
Willow inched forward.
“C’mon, baby, a little closer.”
Willow threw caution to the winds and advanced almost four inches at once.
Tara grinned and threw her left arm around Willow’s waist making it a lot easier for Willow to snuggle in closer.
“That’s good. Here, put your hand on top of mine.”
Willow knew that she could do that. She’d done it before but now Tara’s hand was going on Dolly’s neck, stroking it.
Tara felt Willow’s hand trembling atop hers and was touched by how hard the redhead was trying. They stroked Dolly for a long time until Tara slid her hand out from under Willow’s and laid it on top so that Willow was doing the stroking. Willow’s hand went stiff for an instant, then she kept going.
“Good job, baby. Are you ready to think about riding?”
“No” Willow said in a small, high voice, “but let’s do it anyway.”
Tara explained the basics carefully and let Willow know that she would lead Dolly around the ring and be right there to help. She got Willow’s riding helmet fastened since Willow’s fingers had temporarily stopped functioning and led her to a mounting block. Willow mounted somewhat awkwardly and sat stiffly while Tara adjusted the stirrups.
“Are you ready, Willow?”
Willow’s jaw was clenched, causing her to speak in a strangled grunt, “uh huh.”
Suddenly Willow gave a breathless shriek and Dolly’s ears went flat.
“She bucked. I almost fell off!”
“Honey, she shifted her feet, that’s all. Now take a breath. Take a big, deep breath.” Willow obeyed. “Now relax a little, stay centered on the horse and balance while holding on with your knees. I’m gonna walk you around.”
“Don’t leave me!”
Tara looked steadily into Willow's eyes. "I'll never leave you " she said softly.
Tara took the reins and walked backwards so that she could keep her eyes on Willow and lead Dolly at the same time.
“Open your eyes, baby. It’s easier if your eyes are open.”
“That’s what you think!”
But Willow opened her eyes and was relieved that death did not appear imminent. A moment later she smiled in wonder, “I’m riding!”
“Yes you are, baby, and I’m so proud of you!”
Willow beamed, marveling at her new-found skill.
“Are we ready to gallop yet?”
Tara smothered a grin.
“Not just yet, baby. But you’re getting there. I’m going to walk you around for a while then I’ll stay nearby and let you steer. Remember Dolly is pretty old so don’t ride her too hard.”
Willow nodded seriously and decided to skip jumping until another lesson. The fear returned when it was time to hold the reins herself, but Tara was encouraging and Dolly was patient. Willow was riding Dolly at a leisurely walk while Tara looked on approvingly.
“Good job, Willow.”
Finally it was time to get down. Willow slid her right leg over and almost fell off the mounting block, her legs felt like rubber, but she was grinning from ear to ear.
“I did it! I rode her!”
Then she stumbled a bit and walked beside Tara as they returned Dolly to her stall.
“Should I curry her?” Willow asked seriously, “I mean I gave her a pretty good work-out”
Tara smiled, “I think Dolly will recover without a curry this time and she’ll get one after the beginner class. Let’s go home, baby. The beginners will be starting soon.”
They walked hand in hand to the car, Willow giving occasional exuberant skips now that her legs seemed to be working again. Tara drove home and Willow promptly fell asleep in the car.
Later that night, Tara was sitting and watching Willow undress before bed.
“Why did you ask me for lessons?”
“Remember that day when that jerk made you cry in class?”
Tara dropped her head, but Willow reached out and tipped Tara’s chin up so that they were looking into each other’s eyes. Then Willow sat down beside her lover and put an arm around Tara's waist.
“You were hysterical, baby, but you wouldn’t quit, you wouldn’t drop the class and I thought ‘I have to do some brave deed some kind of knightly deal to be worthy of what you just did and who you are.’ So I thought of the thing that scared me the most and POOF Willow the happy horsewoman appeared! Of course I wanted to do the big run, flee, skedaddle-thing! But I followed you to your Friday Art History class and I saw you just getting ready to walk in. You were scared, baby. You stopped. Then you set your shoulders and tried to smile but you couldn’t. But you
still made yourself walk through that door. And I just stood there in awe of you, Tara, loving you for your courage, and thinking that if you could get back up on your ‘scary horse’ then I could get back up on mine.”
.
Tara smiled warmly, deeply touched by her lover’s respect.
“I’ve always been better with horses than p-people.”
Her smile wavered, then disappeared.
“In high school I had one friend and we used to go riding all the time. Her name was Alice but she let me call her ‘Liss and I loved her or I thought I did b-back then. Partway through our junior year there was a party in the woods, dope and drinks, and we both went. She got sick, barfed, and still felt pretty bad. We sat for hours, her leaning her head on my shoulder and me petting her hair and I even kissed her a couple times on the top of her head. She was pretty out of it but I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life because I got to hold her and kiss her head like that. That’s when I knew was a lesbian. The next day she didn’t talk to me, sit with me, or look at me. That was it. You know the saddest part of it? I was
grateful that she didn’t tell everyone about me and make it even worse.”
Willow slid both arms around Tara and pulled her into a tight hug.
“Hey, I can give you a run for your money on the Dork-o-meter! They called me ‘Queen Geek’, ‘Duchess of Dork’”. Believe me, I heard ‘em all!
Tara smiled in spite of herself, “w-were you really that bad?“
“Hey, I wore cute little outfits with white tights that my mother picked out for me – I think that just about covers it!”
Willow grinned and Tara giggled.
“But, Tara, the worst part of it wasn’t the clothes, it was feeling so pathetic. Feeling like I had absolutely nothing going for me except my grade point average, hoping that if I helped with homework that maybe they’d like me enough to throw me a bone once in a while. Then Buffy came and I knew how it felt to have a real friend. Hey, I even slayed a few vampires.” Willow grinned, “you know what they say, ‘the family that slays together, stays together.’”
Both girls laughed and cuddled closer.
“Seriously, Buffy and Xander were my real family and our friendship got me through.”
Tara dropped her eyes, face hidden behind the shining curtain of her hair. “Then you h-had Oz.”
Willow looked tenderly at her lover, then brushed Tara’s hair back so that she could bestow a soft kiss on her lover's lips.
“I can’t describe Oz, Tara. He is the only guy that I could have been with. He never pushed. He waited for me. He liked my geeky, nerdy, needy, babbling self and he thought that I was pretty. I can’t even tell you how much that meant in high school and how great it felt to have a boyfriend, to feel like I finally fit in. He even played in a band, maximum coolness factor!”
She chuckled, remembering how big a deal it had seemed back then and how much better her life was now, but Tara misunderstood and tears were swimming in her blue eyes.
“I’ll n-never b-be c-cool. N-never f-fit in,” and Tara turned away, covering her face with her hands.
Willow felt like there were knots inside her, somehow she had to lay this to rest so that Tara would understand and quit hurting. She grasped Tara’s shoulders and tried to turn her so that they could face each other, but Tara kept her head turned away.
“Baby, you have to know what Oz was to me so that you can understand what he isn’t. He was a guy I slept with because the end of the world was coming and I thought I might die a virgin. He was a guy that took away my fear in that moment and loved me and made my first time really special. I loved him then. I thought he and I were meant to be together forever.”
Tara looked up, stricken.
“But I was
wrong, Tara. He went around the world and came back, mostly to be with me. He was as wonderful as he’d always been and my biggest fear was losing
you. My second biggest fear was having to hurt him.”
Tara continued to stare, unseeing, at the ground.
“You really don’t get what you mean to me! Remember when I came in here that time, all confused over talking all night with Oz, and you and I were both crying? I finally got that you loved me, loved me for real and that the idea of losing me was breaking your heart. You looked at me with tears shining on your face and told me to do what made
me happy. And the only thing I could think of was to walk into your arms, to hold you and never let you go. Don’t you get that?”
Tara clenched her hands in her lap, raised her eyes then dropped her gaze back to the floor as if afraid to hope.
Willow was hurt, Tara's doubts struck at everything they had together. She reached out and grabbed Tara's hand.
“The first time you and I clasped hands I felt a surge of pure energy go through me, the closest connection I’ve ever had with anyone in my life. We knew, without ever talking, what we meant to each other. We made magic together and we saved each other’s life that night!”
Tara's voice was a whisper.
“Y-your sp-spell buddy.”
Is that all you think we have together?” Willow’s green eyes flashed dangerously. “Get this, Tara Maclay and get it good.”
Tara looked up, eyes wide in her tear-streaked face, and Willow’s voice softened “you are my always and my everything.”
Willow paused, wondering at the enormity of her feelings for this shy, beautiful woman. She said it again, slower this time, because it felt so good, “you are my always and my everything.”
Tara smiled at her; that shining,
believing, smile that melted Willow’s heart every time.
There were so many things Willow wanted to say. They all came crowding up at once from the depths of her heart and suddenly the confident, articulate, straight-A student was helpless to express the depth of her feelings. She could only cling to Tara, trembling and fighting to get the words out, and it was all right because Tara understood.
“Loving you, Tara. Love like I never d-dreamed. Heart love, passion. Rightness. Shining. Magic beyond magic.”
Willow breathed deeply, calming herself with an effort and stared deeply into Tara’s blue eyes, willing her to understand, now and forever.
“I love your courage, your quirky humor, your bounce when we’re walking and you get excited. I love your power, your gifts, your crooked smile and the way the light shines on your face. I love you in darkness, candlelight, extra flamey. I love your tears and your laughter. I love your sweet, hot body that sings with mine. I love that you were my anchor when I journeyed in the nether realm, that you held me in this world and that I trusted you completely. I knew then that we would always hold each other, always be there for each other.”
Tara’s eyes shone and Willow’s voice broke again and she took a few ragged breaths, locking eyes with her beloved until she saw Tara’s growing understanding and acceptance of the endless depths of love between them.
Then Willow’s mouth quirked in a smile, finally coming up with a trembling attempt at a smirk, “Of course the real reason I love you is because you’re Miss Kitty Fantastico’s landlady. I
really only come here to see her!”
The tension broke. Tara laughed, and the two lost themselves in each other.
Epilogue:“Have a good weekend everyone!”
Professor Jacobson dismissed the class on Friday, the week after the horseback ride and two days after she and Tara had talked over the difficulties of answering in class. She smiled up at Tara who was sitting in her accustomed spot.
“Tara, would you come down here for a minute?”
Tara ducked her head, then smiled tentatively as she made her way down to the lecture stand.
The professor handed Tara her gallery critique.
“Excellent, Tara. A+ work.” Her voice softened and she looked carefully at Tara’s face so that she could read the blonde’s emotions.
“How is your plan working for you?”
Tara blushed, speaking softly as she recalled the effort it had taken to talk to her teacher and try again.
“Alright. I only r-raise my hand when I’m sure and I take a big, deep breath before I talk.”
Tara’s smiled widened, “it’s w-working!”
Professor Jacobson nodded. “
You made it work.”
Tara ducked her head quickly, then straightened and met her teacher’s eyes.
Her smile was dazzling, “Yes. Yes, I did.”
Then she hurried off to share her good news, knowing that Willow was there and would always be there.
END
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Very sweet.
