Internal logic is critical for me Sass... I really, really hate finding out that I screwed up... witness the fact that when you made a perfectly innocent remark (not knowing) several parts ago I ran out and wrote a whole part to explain the inconsistency away (a future inconsistency.)
Paranoid?
Obsessive?
Weird?
All of the above your honour!
Here is Part 25. Part 26 will still go out tomorrow sometime but "Ready" parts are running low. Jo is betaing them for me fast enough it is just that I am not redrafting fast enough to give her a supply... I shall have a blitz today and get myself in a better position but if I run short then posting will slow a little. After Part 26 there is a natural pause for a change of viewpoint before 27 and I may take advantage of that for an extra days pause. Or not...
I hope that 25/26 will not be a leap too far... In a prison way Sass? Nah... there are no bars and the showers are not communal.
Enjoy Kittens...
Katharyn
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Title:
The Sidestep Chronicle – So Many Questions (Part 25)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome.
katharynrosser@hotmail.comSpoiler Warning: Pretty limited. The story occurs in an alternate universe though reference is made to events that occur in both realities.
Summary: Okay now, after that last piece there has to be a reaction doesn’t there? Questions are asked of themselves.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories. I have however decided to remake Desert Hearts with Aly and Amber in the leads… contracts are pending*S* Nope that is a futile dream…
Rating: 15
Couples: W/T sort of, ish, well you know what I mean. There has to be some sort of disclaimer on that for obvious reasons.
Notes: This part is directly continued in Part 26 and should be taken – if not posted – as a whole. If you know where to look then this one sort of spells it all out and I anticipate that, if anyone can remember it come the end… or can be bothered to read the full thing through… that there will be an “AHA” moment. You probably won’t get it now though as it is not so obvious. Gee is that taunting?
Thanks To: Jo for her usual wonderful beta (All those out there who suffer at the hands of my own beta Jo set the pattern, what goes around comes around – this woman made me change the entire writing style of this fic… and she was spot on…) Kerry as ever and Louise.
The Sidestep Chronicle
So Many Questions
By
Katharyn Rosser
So they had kissed. And just what did that mean? Tara asked herself the question for at least the thousandth time since the alley.
It just meant that they had kissed. There had been kissage. It just meant that she had fallen under this vampire’s spell… oh by the Goddess, that was the good news? It was charisma surely… it had to happen one day Tara supposed. There had to be one vampire in the entire world that might attract her, physically attract her. And if it could attract her like that… physically… overcoming the mental reservations that she had - to drive her to willingly kiss it, wasn’t it possible that she could find it attractive even as a vampire?
And was it really just physical that attraction? Hadn’t she been dreaming of Willow for years? Was it better or worse because of that?
It might explain the whole thing a little better.
It doesn’t excuse it though Tara. No sir.
It had to be that, surely… it was the nature of that vampire that had done it to her. It had to be that. Surely it couldn’t just be because it was Willow Rosenberg. Specifically Willow.
Surely it was just the animal effect of the vampire working on her… Surely that effect – that she had seen destroy others – might work on her. Surely there was nothing deeper there…
She should have killed it, the vampire. Tara knew that she should have sent her, Willow, to wherever it was that vampires went when they were dusted. She should have ended the damnation of the
real person Willow had been and put her out of her misery… Out of Tara’s misery.
The thing was that this Willow wasn’t miserable. Not many vampires were in her experience. It was their soulless nature, she guessed. They enjoyed feeding… They enjoyed hunting and with that causing pain. And some of them enjoyed messing with peoples’ heads. Perhaps… that was it. Perhaps this Willow was trying to mess with her head.
But that didn’t quite explain why Tara’s head had already been messed up by Willow did it? Long before this latest… physical… meeting? No sir, not at all…
And when she was thinking about Willow… was she miserable? Was that tiny buzz that ran through her body when she just thought of the other’s name really misery? Willow… there it was again… No… Not misery.
Messing… she mused. Could that be what Willow was doing to her?
Was Willow messing with her head? Was the vampire trying to do something to her? Thinking ahead to some torture or carrying one out right now? Was Willow trying to see if she could make her really feel for one of the things that she despised? If she was… then the vampire had succeeded… By the goddess that was true. She wouldn’t be wondering at all if she wasn’t feeling.
But what then – what would be the point? Would Willow then snatch herself away… trying to devastate her? Would Tara really be devastated? Not yet… but if she kept thinking like this… if she kept getting more and more worked up about the flame haired goddess… If she kept wondering about what might be and started to fear that it might not ever happen.
Then she might do that to me. Her absence alone might come to devastate meOr perhaps Willow would just kill her… when the vampire had made it so that Tara could not lift a hand, or a stake against her.
Even if I could now, Tara mused.
But could that really be
it? Was this vampire really playing games with her? Was it really some big plan? Perhaps she wasn’t worthy of a plan – perhaps it was all just fun to Willow.
Logic said that was not the case though… and her heart said the same. Her heart had been silent for so long that now it was telling her things… she had to listen.
She had been dreaming about Willow Rosenberg before she had even fallen onto the path that she now walked – maybe even before Willow had become… what she had become. Before the vampires… the things of which
this Willow was one… had come and slaughtered her family. She remembered that. She knew it to be fact. Tara wasn’t sure
how she knew that – after all she had no real idea about when Willow had been turned compared to the first time she had dreamed of the red haired… girl. But it had always been Willow in her dreams… and there was never a hint of the nature of the woman.
There had been some strangeness… but that was just dream stuff surely? Even if it had been there to point the way to Tara. In her dreams Willow had been out in the sun.
They had been out in the sun… together. That would never happen with
this Willow.
Tara sat on the windowsill in the apartment, looking out over the skyline at twilight. She had been here since the sun started to go down… just thinking, looking and waiting. Some evenings and nights a vampire passed by; the pendant allowed her to pick them out. Besides the streets were almost always deserted half an hour before the sky started to turn red. And then – when she found them - she could stake them without even stepping outside. It was impersonal… but there were fewer of them who came this way into town now so she guessed it was working.
But she hadn’t brought her stakes to the window with her this time – nor would she stoop to calling them to her with the magic. If she wanted a stake then she would get up and go and get it. She didn’t want to move from here though – just in case Willow made an appearance. After all the vampire had stood on this very windowsill before. Precariously balanced – but with the grace of a cat and the fearlessness of an immortal. Trying to watch her.
Willow didn’t know about the pendant. Didn’t know that she couldn’t get near Tara without being discovered… Tara was glad that she had found Willow there. That they’d had the chance to stand there and watch each other. Separated by the safety of the glass. Safer for both of them. There was a mark on the outside where Willow had placed her hand. Flat on the glass. Tara had refused to reciprocate then. That was what had led Willow to drop away.
Tara laid her hand on that spot now but there was nothing there. No connection. She drew her hand back, saw the mark she had left on her own side of the glass and rubbed it away with her sleeve.
The smear just got bigger. Worse and worse as she rubbed at it.
It seemed that Willow had taken to coming out early. Into town. Coming to this building sometimes. Waiting for Tara to exit the building – then following her… or allowing herself to be seen and be followed in turn. It was like a game. One that Tara couldn’t stop herself playing. The semi-darkness was neither here nor there. It was when the sun was too low to bother a vampire but none of Willow’s vampire kin were yet out on the streets – when the people of Sunnydale should have been worried – but still safe.
She was looking out of the window waiting for Willow. Hoping that the vampire might make an appearance – because every time Tara saw her…
a chill runs through me, she admitted. But in a good way… a good, deep down, shiver.
She shouldn’t ever feel that the shiver was good… but she did.
You feel what you feel Tara. Yes Mr Mayor.
That’s not a good enough excuse Tara. No sir.
It couldn’t just be some game that Willow was playing… For one thing she didn’t think that the vampire had the patience. It was funny – they had eternity but they wanted everything now. This minute. It made them easier to kill.
This had been going on too long though. And that meant something else was at work. Some magic carried out by someone else perhaps… but she had never detected any. Religiously every month she cast the revealing spell of ‘tirer la couture.’ The world that she existed in meant that it was always wise to check the integrity of her own spells… the protections that kept vampires from her haven – which was now this apartment. But looking in a mirror… pulling the curtain back on the magic should have revealed if something was working on her. If a spell had been cast on her she should have been able to see it then.
But she had seen nothing.
Nothing… no evidence of any spells at work, except for the pendant and those that she had cast herself. She had even tried it yesterday – specifically to check that something was not making her feel this way about a filthy vampire.
There was nothing.
And Willow didn’t look or smell so filthy…
‘You feel the way that you feel.’ That was what the Mayor had said, and he had been right. She kept telling herself that – and some part of her was glad that she felt at all – whilst another was disgusted by the object of those feelings.
Yes she did feel. The feelings were for Willow. At least
a Willow. And she guessed that she would just have to accept that… and deal with it.
But what did dealing with it mean anyway?
She had dreamed of Willow in the daylight… of them being together. Of them soothing each other’s loneliness... and each other’s desires. Was this Willow, the only Willow she had ever known, lonely? Because she so obviously had desires…
Desires the vampire had been holding back on… showing restraint where a demon would ordinarily show none. Vampires… they could live forever but they were always so impatient. As if having all the time in the world made every moment that much more important to them.
But it was Tara’s patience that was being tested, sitting there, waiting for a sight of something that might never come to her.
To her?
Was that it? Was dealing with this thing that was inside her head only going to mean allowing it to happen?
Why had Willow been holding back… why hadn’t the creature fed from her… killed her? Even if she wanted Tara for something else she could have done that. Drank from her but left her alive… or tried to turn Tara into what she feared the most – even more than her own inherited fate. Why not? Why was Willow denying her nature… at least as far she was concerned?
Because Willow, Tara suddenly realised, was as unsure as she was. Confidence was just a shroud that the vampire hid behind. She’d been having the dreams too. ‘You’re in my head,’ the vampire had said. That was just it. It wasn’t just dreams was it? They were in each other’s heads. Companions of a sort… and that was confusing them both. Holding each other back from what they should have been doing.
Both should have been killing the other…
What happened when they were no longer confused?
They could deal somehow. Perhaps the answer was death…
Would they kill… or would they… fulfil those dreams? Were the dreams what they were supposed to have been doing? Was the real world the abomination?
No.
Surely they couldn’t… fulfil each other? But the thought had long been in her head as part of the dreaming and now it refused to go away. What had been desire and curiosity had worked itself up into the idea of a feeling about what might be. Something real. What could be… Could there be something real? Between a vampire and a vampire hunter?
Did she want there to be?
Did Willow?
What if Willow…? What if she…?
Questions… questions. So many questions. And no answers at all.
Obviously it could never be.
But what if they
could somehow fulfil the dreams? What if they could… soothe each other’s loneliness? Was Willow even lonely? Vampires were largely solitary by nature. They banded together only to further their own advantage and it wasn’t unknown for them to be ‘involved’ with other vampires. Or to make arrangement with willing humans who provided them with blood. She’d seen that herself.
And it had always disgusted her.
But Tara would never feed Willow… that taste she had taken in the alley was as much as the vampire was ever going to take from her. Nothing more than that. That was not what Willow really wanted though. She could get blood anywhere… she
was taking blood from wherever she wanted it. When Willow had wanted a ‘taste’… what she had really meant was the kiss she had forced Tara to accept and share. Tara got that… she knew that the blood was not the important thing that night.
Not that there had been tongue there or anything. It was all about the kiss though. And that kiss… oh the kiss.
Kisses.
She had never been kissed… in anything but a family ‘grandma pecking her on the cheek’ way. But that… that kiss. The connection it was just…oh. It was everything that she had thought a kiss might be and it was everything that she had dreamed it could be.
And everything that she feared since discovering who Willow was…
What she was.
The vampire, Willow, had taunted her by
making her kiss the demonic face… but when her eyes were closed even that was still Willow after a fashion. And when the human face of Willow was there… so lovely… and she could kiss that willingly and happily – on the physical level at least.
Her feelings agreed with the physical… it was her mind that rebelled against the emotions. Logic was on her side… it said that there was something there. Something real. But reason… what was it saying? What
felt so natural, so right… so perfect she
knew was horribly wrong. But…
That kiss. It was everything, it was always.
It was Willow and really that was all that mattered to her.
‘You feel what you feel.’ She just kept coming back to that. But it was oh-so true. She did feel. There was no question of that, she did feel. For Willow. About Willow. With Willow. She felt.
For a vampire.
She wanted to feel Willow… beside her, beneath her, on top of her… with her. Just with her.
She felt…
For Willow. It was Willow that mattered – not what she was. The rest, the rest of it was just a distraction. There were reasons… but she wasn’t working from reason here.
The pendant itched. She focused on the previously deserted street… few humans still dared, no vampires usually up this early. Two in the street though. One heading towards the building – the other following.
One was Willow.
She’s coming to me… The idea filled Tara with an urgent excitement.
She’s coming here and she’s been followed.
Fine… it would give her a chance to reassure herself. She was still going to kill vampires – no matter what she felt. Starting with that one that was following Willow. She wouldn’t be able stop what she was doing, killing them… but she wouldn’t stop what seemed to be happening either – between the two of them.
I’ve been alone enough… enough to wonder what it would be like not to be.Even if ‘not’ meant Willow.
Even if it hurt. Because what else could she do? Kill Willow?
Maybe nothing would happen. Maybe they
would kill each other one day soon. Maybe right now.
But at least she wouldn’t be alone if that happened. Not if she let this thing between them happen.
The other, pursuing, vampire stood opposite the building and didn’t seem to notice as Tara opened the window just far enough… then moved away to get a stake. She came back and sent the stake that was in her hand shooting down into the back of the vampire in the street below her. It exploded in a cloud of dust and was gone. Just like that. Who would have known it was even there?
Just her and Willow. It was like a secret.
It wasn’t like she was getting fuzzy feelings for vampires was it? Just for someone who happened to be one. She could still kill them…
would still kill them. Kill them all.
Especially if they threatened that one that was coming to her apartment, her safe secure place right now.
She would still kill them all.
All, maybe, but one.
Then came the scratching at her door. She went to answer it. Her heart aching and her head telling her that the thing at the door wasn’t Willow… it was the demon who wore her face.
Tara grasped the door handle.
****************
Willow was confused and she didn’t like that at all.
Confusion was not something that she had experienced for… well since forever in her unlife. She had always known what she was, what she wanted, who she wanted it from and where to get it. Even when she had been taken to that freaky, strange, soft, world where everything was
wrong it had just been a case of adapting and finding out that she didn’t like it. She hadn’t actually been confused by it at all. Mainly because she just hadn’t cared about anything but the possibilities there.
She had just been sickened and filled with a longing to remake it in the image of
her world. This world of darkness where every night was play night. Not confusing at all.
Now she didn’t know what she was doing – or what to do - and that was no fun at all. And the
why? She didn’t even want to think about the why.
She had come out early yet again… no more lie-ins for Willow it seemed and she did so like her days in bed… they were her way of passing the boredom whilst sunlight coated the world, preventing her from being able to shape it as she wanted. Early morning playtime with whatever pets the Master had stored for her in the Bronze, followed by sleep. Preferably dreamless – because the dreams made her feel icky.
The dreams were
nice. Uggh.
Dreamless sleep. That was a recipe for a playful night.
But now… now daytime wasn't about sleep was it? It was about little naps… sometimes still featuring the dreams of the human witch her mind had already labelled ‘ the Kitten.’ But the dreams were not what they once were… now they were reminders of the reality – and the confusion in that reality. At least they weren’t so out and out
nice now though.
Just confusing.
The Kitten was… filling her mind. Day and night. Night and day – she was always there. When Willow was feeding, when she was killing. When she was receiving her instructions from the Master… even when she was trying to play. Especially when she was trying to play… of all times.
The way to end the confusion should have been obvious. Willow knew that she should just kill the Kitten and move on – perhaps with a little playtime first. If the dreams wanted her to play then she would play happily… She could do that. But the thing of it was that Willow doubted that would shift the Kitten from her mind. In fact it might just anchor her there. Haunting her. Not that Willow would feel guilt for killing the Kitten – she didn’t feel guilt for any of the humans she had played with. But she just
didn’t want to.I am, a vicious killer. She had told herself that repeatedly in the last few weeks. She had never even questioned it before that. It had just been a given. She went out each and every night and proved it to herself and if she returned from the hunt without finding some hapless inhabitant of, or visitor to, Sunnydale then she took her rage out on one of the captives held in the Bronze. She could kill anyone she wanted to. She knew that. She could play. She did play. She could kill. She did kill.
It was just that now she needed to tell herself that.
So why couldn’t she do that one little thing to take the Kitten out of her mind and out of her misery? There were so many ways… a bite, a spin of the neck, a slash with her nails… And then there were the toys…
Why then?
That was the confusing thing. She wanted nothing more than to play with the Kitten. More in-depth and lingering play than perhaps would be usual, but her preferred style of play always ended one way… ultimately it meant death. That was what she was, a killer. But the idea of draining the Kitten to an empty husk held no appeal for her - beyond the sweetness of the blood itself. She felt none of her usual desire to assert her superiority – especially over a vampire hunter. Less than nothing… the only superiority she desired was in the play… she always wanted to be on top there.
And she hadn’t been enjoying herself as much on the hunt… every time she found some tender morsel her mind started thinking about that witch, Tara… the Kitten… and… the Kitten spoiled it for her.
She spoils it because I no longer want what I have… I want something that I haven’t got instead.It was disconcerting. At times it was almost like she was just going through the motions. Sometimes it was still playtime as it should be… but sometimes not… More not than should be in the last few days. And others had begun to notice.
She glanced up at the building she was approaching, knowing that it was the vampire formerly known as Rodney Munson who was behind her, following – trying to remain inconspicuous. He was as inept as a stalker as he had been as a classmate at High School. Why Thelma had ever turned him Willow hadn’t been able to figure out – perhaps she had seen something in him? It was buried pretty deep if it was there – or Rodney had left it behind in his grave. He was always forgetting things even when he was alive.
And he was still wearing the same tatty clothes he had always worn. It had to have been Thelma that had sent him though… That was the trouble with that mothering type… they cared a little too much. And they noticed too much too.
At least vampire mothers…
Thelma had figured out that there was something bothering her ‘Little Willow.’
Like nearly every other vampire in the Bronze, Rodney would do Thelma’s bidding – and, through Thelma, Willow’s own. Willow know that being the unofficial matriarch’s favourite and all was a huge advantage… but for Rodney to be following her
after she had already enjoyed teaching him several painful lessons… As the Master had always told her – there were only so many lessons that could be taught. Eventually the only answer was to kill the student and move on to the next one. Willow would have liked to have been a teacher… sometimes she felt that she was one anyway.
She could see the Kitten in the only window that she was interested in and she knew that – somehow – the witch could sense the approach of vampires. Willow hadn’t quite figured out how yet but it was probably magic…
She’ll see me… then she’ll see little Rodney.Willow knew that she didn’t have to do a thing about him. The Kitten would do it all for her. The Kitten so obviously
hated vampires that she wouldn’t leave Rodney alive…. Strange though how she would tolerate… even come close to and kiss Willow.
Now that was something that Willow wanted to research further.
It would be a shame, though, to have to discourage Thelma from her maternalism. It was too useful in the politics of the Master’s court – the games that were played. Willow really didn’t want to have to discourage her…
It was only curiosity on Thelma’s part. Perhaps it was concern too. Willow had died and
now she had a maternal figure that was concerned for her. That made her smile. Anything that reminded her of killing Sheila always did.
If discouraging Thelma did not work then… there were more permanent methods. That would be a shame. Thelma was one of Willow’s biggest weapons against Luke and she knew that without Thelma she would be forced to spend more time in the Bronze… bringing her brethren round to her way of thinking. She really didn’t want to do that. It was no fun. And besides… she wanted to be out here.
But Willow was prepared to throw Thelma away to keep her little secret.
She would have to keep the secret – especially if it grew. Luke lacked much in the way of brains. Technically he was a ‘clod.’ But he was strong and had a nose for a weakness. Luke would see this as a weakness… Willow knew though that it would just be play… if everything went as she intended.
And it better had.
Even if she wasn’t quite sure what it was that she intended right now. Get there first. Think later.
She crossed the street and noticed the Kitten, who had been at the window, move away from it. More light spilled from the window, illuminating the silhouette of the woman within. Willow paused to appreciate the view. Tara… that’s what she called herself – but Willow knew that, for now, she was the Kitten, no other name would suit. Then Willow lost sight of her as she entered the foyer and gave the doorman her best vicious grin, delighted to see him melt right away. He probably didn’t get guests of her kind that much… after all who would be stupid enough to invite a vampire in?
Willow knew that she was going to have to be very persuasive… even if she didn’t have to say a word to do that.
What would the Kitten do?
If the Kitten invited her inside her home… then there was no telling what Willow could do… no predicting. No restraint or restriction. Willow could do anything that she wanted to her. Anything at all and she was pretty sure that, eventually, the Kitten would allow her to. That or stake her dead… just like poor Rodney would be by now. Willow smiled and scratched at the door – it seemed less interesting to knock. Everyone else knocked.
She wasn’t everyone else.
I can end all the confusion with a bite, Willow thought.
I can also end it with a few words. And a kiss. The right kiss. And the right words.This was going to be so much fun.
**********
Continued in Part 26---------------
You hear that baby? I am going nowhere.
at: 4/24/02 10:57:10 pm
Poor thing, knowing that Tara kills vampires and yet allows her so close. And knowing that she can end it all so quickly and yet accepting the fact that she won't. Marvellous. What made me smile was the line where Willow decided she would have to do more "research". I guess there are certain vestiges of the human self that remain once one is turned.