Waiting for Dani - Complete 06/11/07

[JustSkipIt]

Sara – Contrats on your dibs.

This line just really hit me for some reason. I guess because it was never Dani's choice to leave. So to have her say this, even with Tara's proceeding offer to stay, just made me sad. Because even though Tara offered, I can't imagine her ever actually staying or Dani ever expressing her want to stay there.

I totally get that. I think that it really says a lot that Dani would even be willing to mention it or that Tara would be willing to offer to stay. I’m not sure that in the usual mistress/servant relationship the members would have that level of honesty or openness.

… I just found it interesting the fluidity of Tara's title. One minute it's "Tara", the next it's "My Lady" or "Lady Tara." I know I've said it before, but it really does show the ambiguity of their relationship.

I’m actually glad that you point that out. Tara’s title is very fluid and it’s quite intentional. Tara has asked Dani to call her Tara in private and I believe that they very much do so, except when they are perhaps playing their little ‘servant girl’ games. For Dani to call Tara, “Tara” and vice versa indicates a personal relationship between them. The privacy and intimacy of their relationship. “My Lady” specifically references Dani’s position as not only a servant but Tara’s servant. In that case, she is emphasizing Tara’s role as her mistress rather than Tara’s role as Lady of the Estate. I believe that for Dani it’s both a respectful and formal title and an affectionate one—perhaps a reversal of Tara’s calling her “my girl.” Then there’s Lady Tara which is much more formal than My Lady and is a title which can be used basically by those who have a personal relationship with her-- her family, Tadre, and Dani—but probably not the average house servant and probably not most freemen or nobles of other houses unless given permission. Lady Maclay would be her most formal title and one which those people not entitled to call her Lady Tara would use. Dani and Tara, I believe, enjoy the interplay of each of those levels of address in their relationship.

Interesting that you point out the coins in her purse line and your feeling that it’s taking away Dani’s choice. I can definitely see that although I admit I didn’t think of it as I was writing. I was intending more of the point that Tara knows that money is an issue but she still doesn’t want to see it. She wants to think that Dani is a person to whom money is important when in truth Dani will never have what Tara has. Does that make sense?

I’m glad that you were amused about William the bloody. I was giggling as I wrote it.

Quote:
Dani kissed me back and hugged me seeming intensely happy that we would be one step closer on our adventure and in finding a place of our own.


Last one, I promise. It's the word "seemingly" that got me in this sentence. It could be perfectly innocent, or it could mean that Dani does not want to be there.

I think you are right that the word seemingly is the most important one in this sentence. I think it tells as much about Tara as it does about Dani at this point. On one hand, she wants to tell the story in order and at that point in the narrative, she had not created her doubts about Dani’s feelings (or had not allowed herself to acknowledge them). But she’s not really capable of completely excluding her current doubts and demons from the narrative. So the word seemingly allows the reader to see that she is starting to realize that she doesn’t know as much about Dani as she once thought.

Thank you so much.

db – I agree that formality and ritual is a huge part of this life and particularly of Tara’s life. I would imagine that for Xander and the other villagers their knowledge of this formality and ritual is basically that they should bow to nobility and that the more ink on someone’s hand, the greater their rank. But I don’t think that people outside this particular segment of society really care that much. You know? It’s kind of like if you’ve ever met people who are incredibly entrenched into some sub-segment of society and they are extremely respectful of their leader but you’re kind of like, “but he’s not my whatever so I don’t really care” but you kind of mimic their respect just because you feel like you should. Like meeting your best friend’s boss or something. You say sir and nice to meet you but you kind of don’t really care and you’ve heard that he’s a a-hole but you don’t say that because it’s your friend and you don’t want her to get in trouble. (OT much, deb?)

I feel like this formality is integral to this story (I mean, you could've said 'and they rode for two nights and two days and on the third day they arrived'),

I wish I could have. I’ll admit that this update was quite boring to write (and I suspect somewhat boring to read). I considered the “they rode for two days…” approach but thought it would be selling out on the story. I mean generally Tara is only telling the points that are relevant to her story but to her, this movement to Maclay East is integral so that’s why it’s included.

Yes, I think that Tara offering to stay for Dani is huge and genuine at the same time believe that her making the plans without consulting with Dani come partially from a space in which she couldn’t imagine that Dani wouldn’t have wanted to go with her. Tara sees it as a fantastic opportunity and she wouldn’t be able to imagine that her motivations for removing Dani wouldn’t be equally compelling for Dani.

but if she had... if Dani really was too sad to leave, I think Tara would have tried to stop the wheels from moving, even if they were already in motion.

Yes.

I would agree that Dani seems to be more into their flirtation and is initiating more. Tee hee: William the Bloody.

and how *perfect* is it that the two people on the show who were such rules followers should be the ones to establish the new 'rules' of maclay east.

? Tara and Giles or Giles and Willow?

Thanks.

Diane –

Ok, Deb, what’s in the letter? Hmmm? This seems cagy to me, and now I’m curious.

Sorry to say your curiosity will have to sit for a little while. The letter is partial red-herring and partial way in the future. You’ll find out about the letter only in the sequel and at that point, I’m not sure that it will be nearly as consequential as it seems now. And I haven’t mentioned it before this but Dani writing letters under Tara’s seal wouldn’t be that unusual an occurrence. But I can totally see how it pulled your focus. Nothing big: I promise. Sorry for the misdirect.

… but I think Tara knew the answer all along, so I don’t sense any great sweeping gesture of awareness here. And of course, Dani gave her the answer that Tara needed to hear, as usual.

Absolutely. And that’s really Dani’s job isn’t it? Giving Tara the answers she needs to hear?

And yes, Dani is all avoidy-girl (to use some cannon-speak) regarding Tara’s feelings for her and her own for Tara as usual. I have to say that I almost detect some frustration on your part directed toward Dani rather than toward Tara (for a change). Hmmm.

Maybe I’m not getting something here. Dani was sad. Dani got the ok to give Xander his camp kit, and now Dani is bouncing around the room. This could be a couple of things, but I think it’s most likely me thinking too hard.

I think it’s more that Dani is trained to be light and airy rather than deep and introspective. For Tara to have caught Dani feeling sad was a little of a miscalculation on Dani’s part. To her thinking she is not supposed to be sad so she gets over it very quickly. I know that’s twisted but does it make sense?

This is too effing funny. I really kind of detest Spike and I love it when he becomes nothing but the punchline of a joke. Does William the stable guy walk around with his cheeks sucked in all the time? Just wondering. Plus, he’s still jonesin’ for Buffy. I love it.

I’m so glad that everyone is amused. I have very mixed feelings about Spike. We have a friend who, whenever we have a Buffy-thon, sits around going “poor Spike” so it’s a joke to us. Everything that happens we’re like, “awww. Poor Spike.” And the fact is that at times he’s a champion but most of the time he’s a git and a jerk. And his posturing is just too much.

Who’s superiority? Dani’s? It’s fascinating to me that Tara seems to be objectifying Dani here, but reading it as if Dani is proud of her position, rather than Tara being proud of her servant.

Thanks for pointing out that part because it’s something that I very intentionally wrote. I find it quite telling that Tara is proud that Dani is a half-horse length behind her. It’s not that she’s happy that Dani is equal to her (because she’s not) but that she’s happy that Dani is superior to the other servants and in front of the nobility. She doesn’t ever stop to think that the fact that Dani benefits from Tara’s position doesn’t make her Tara’s equal. But to Tara, they are one and the same. But I love the way that Tara’s mind is able to be simultaneously proud of her possession and to view Dani as a possession. Kind of twisted.

Lol your image.

Medieval phone sex. Lol. [qutoe] I sense small bits of Dani’s interest in the relationship as being something that she considers herself to be equally vested in, but there’s that freaking POV again.[/quote]Darn that POV!

OT: So today Rachel was really upset with Asher while I was in the shower and when I came out they had been having a fight about something and she had said “Darn” a few times when she was so upset. And I was holding him and kind of looking at her for the language she was using (not so much “Darn” as what else she was saying) and he said “There’s a Darn song in Schoolhouse Rock” (Schoolhouse is his current favorite DVD). And we both kind of looked at each other trying to figure that one out until it hit me that Darn is one of the Interjections in the Interjection song. Cracked me up.

Seeming. Huge word here, I think. Hmmm…

Yes. See earlier comments re: seeming.

So, tra-la-la, everyone is happy, Amen.

Actually that’s not a bad summary at this point. Tara can be pretty free of her jealousy given that there isn’t a single nobleman above Stefan’s rank for miles and miles.

Thanks.

Emms - Hey. Thanks for the note. I’ll be waiting for your more feedback.

Julie – Hello back. Thanks for the note. I’m glad you’re enjoying the read an the journey.

[db]

and how *perfect* is it that the two people on the show who were such rules followers should be the ones to establish the new 'rules' of maclay east.

? Tara and Giles or Giles and Willow?

Giles and Tara, silly. Dani is *following* the rules here... at least I think she is, or has been, so far at least.

[Emms]

I'm back

First off, wonderfully gripping chapter.

I like the fact that Dani and Tara didn't have a chance for any lovemaking (if it can be called that... I mean we know how Tara feels, but can we really presume how Dani feels?) While on the road to the estate. It's almost as if this journey is the start of a new dynamic between them... [Dani and Tara] though I can't really guess how that is going to come into play in the future.

I really like how you've been writing in little subtle comparisons between Dani and a Willow tree. (I think the first time was before their marks were put on and they'd gone on that overnight camping trip together. ) It's never too obvious when it happens--it's never made a big deal of or taken any further than a quiet and passing observation, but it says so much when it happens, because it serves as a little line of connection between Dani and the Willow we all know and love (though to call Dani Willow in this story would just seem wrong, somehow. She's very much Dani in this world )

So they made it to the estate to find out that Tara's cousin has died (it is her cousin, right?) So now she's basically the head of the household... which, to me, only fuels my earlier speculation that their whole dynamic is about to go through the proverbial wash cycle.

I wonder what's going to happen. I'm on the edge of my seat, Debra, and I love it...

xoxo
Emms

[grimlock72]

What I liked about this update is that the entire group seemed to work together towards something pretty well. They all have their rank and status obviously, but in the end each did their part. Maybe a trip like this is really different from working on an estate or maybe a smaller group works together more obviously.. I just liked it
(which makes this a non-boring update btw.

The many references to Spike were too funny; "while seeming ageless but was feeble of mind" and "a public and obviously doomed admiration for Anne" were fun to read .

Tara wondering who has tought Xander about customs and structure, well take a wild guess I would say. I mean, he and Dani have been friends for years, right?? Rather obvious I would say .

I took Dani being somewhat tearfull on the prospect of leaving the Main Estate as being afraid (sort of) of change. Then again we don't KNOW what Dani leaves behind now do we?

This update also doesn't have as much of Tara making herself believe Dani truly loves her, which was sort of refreshing . Once she doesn't obsess over that, she's quite pleasant.

It's always fun to read how well Dani knows Tara, laying out clothes and such in advance. Tara must be mighty predictable, heh.

Will the entire MaClay familly come over to visit the funeral of their late cousin? That would negate the reason why Tara moved Dani to MacClay East (which is basically what happened). Not a dancing feast perse but lots of high marked people around again... poor Tara..


-grimmy

[JustSkipIt]

db – Ok. I got it. I guess I think of Willow as a relative rule-follower (“You wouldn’t cut class if your head was on fire, sweetie” (I don’t think I have the quote 100% there)) with the exception of “I’m eating this banana…” I mean sure, she went stupid but she’s pretty up on rules. But yes, I get what you’re saying. Dani is definitely following the rules here. Also, many of the rules that will govern this new Estate are still out of Tara & Giles’s hands. But they are in charge (or she is and he’s her very smart employee).

Thanks.

Emms – Hello there. Thanks.

I like the fact that Dani and Tara didn't have a chance for any lovemaking (if it can be called that... I mean we know how Tara feels, but can we really presume how Dani feels?)

Yes. What a wonderful point you make. It’s kind of squeemy you know? That Tara is so obviously in love and when she’s … you know… she’s making love but for Dani we don’t know what it is. She could be magically compelled or performing part of her job or she could be making love but we don’t know here. Kind of yucky. But you make a good point about the new dynamic between them.

I’m glad you like the Willow/Dani comparisons. I hope that I’m doing it well. I must admit that my favorite of those are in a story that isn’t seen on this board and they’re really quite well done. I wanted to make sure that the Willow/Dani comparisons are something that is generally a secret between Tara and Dani and are partially explicitly sexual. I mean partially it’s the way Dani moves and holds herself but partially it’s a sexual reference and that’s important to me. So… thank you.

So they made it to the estate to find out that Tara's cousin has died (it is her cousin, right?)

She’s calling him her “great cousin” which I believe we would probably call 4th cousin once removed or something like that if we counted (which really, who counts that far out?).

OT: So a few weeks ago I was volunteering (I do low-income tax returns) and was doing the return of a guy who spoke almost no English (very common for our clients) and I speak like enough Spanish to ask for a beer or the bathroom. So he had some people listed on his return who live in Mexico and I was trying to determine their relationship to him. He says “Prima” (maybe “Primo”? I’m not sure) which is cousin. So I said you mean nephew or niece? He says no cousin. I say are they your sister’s children? (Understand that if they were his nephew/niece he CAN take them and if they are his cousins he can not). So he says no. So I say are they his brother’s children? He says no. So I say are they his father’s children? No. So I say are his father and their father brothers? He says no they are primo. I say so your grandfather and their grandfather are brothers? And he says yes. That makes them his 2nd cousins and not able to be claimed and keep in mind that we’re carrying on this conversation in very pidgin Spanish/English. So eventually I get the attention of our Spanish/English speaking volunteer. So he comes over and I explain that I want to know if these are this guy’s niece/nephew and that I now think that they are his 2nd cousins. So he starts talking in Spanish and I can follow enough to tell that they’re having the exact conversation I had (your sister’s kids? Your brother’s? Your fathers are brothers? Etc.) After about a minute the volunteer turns to me, hands me the sheet and says, “They’re not related” and walks off. It was really funny to me because I would at least consider them distantly related even though the client can’t take them on his return. Like I said, OT.

Anyway, Tara is definitely head of the household (which she kind of was before but she kind of lived in her father’s and Melanie’s shadow). And yes, I think the dynamic and the oncoming wash cycle are coming.

Thanks.

Grimmy – Hello there. I think you make a good point about the smaller group really emphasizing teamwork and also each person using his/her strengths. If you get to a campsite and one person is a good carpenter and another a great cook, there’s not much question who will do what. All of these people (with the exception of perhaps Xander who wants very much to prove himself) have been raised to believe that excelling at whatever they do to serve their Estate/master/mistress is their highest purpose. You might also note that Tara is quite prolific with her praise of each member of the group for their efforts. Another intention of hers is to allow combinations of people to work together to do what is different and what is their specialty or their love. So letting Faith and Dani go hunt, then Stefan, Jonah, and Dawn the next day. She’s following their rank somewhat but passing out the honor and joy of the hunt also. Of course she loves hunting as well but as the procession’s leader, did not feel that she could leave for such a “fun” event.

Again, I’m glad you enjoyed my not-at-all subtle swipes at Spike. I would say that your guess that Dani has taught Xander his customs is a very good one. That and that he seems to be following a “more rather than less” rule kind of like eating with the silverware on the outside if you don’t know what to use.

I think that you’re right that Dani was just tearful because it will be a very big change and she will be leaving her only life as well as her mother.

This update also doesn't have as much of Tara making herself believe Dani truly loves her, which was sort of refreshing Laughing Out Loud. Once she doesn't obsess over that, she's quite pleasant.

Lol!!!!!! Yes.

Re: funeral. I’m working on writing that now but to give a quick answer and it not being a terribly important spoiler: no. Tara’s presence is quite sufficient for the funeral which will take place in the next update. Her cousin was relatively low-ranked and not particularly popular in addition to which he lived far from most of society so turnout for the funeral will be quite sparse.

Thanks always for your great comments.

[watty]

The Times ran a short series on the class structure in England and I immediately thought of this story. The distinction between the upper and lower classes is becoming more and more blurred. You mentioned in replies the difference in class between Tara and the constituents of her party -- two free men and a two-mark minor nobleman. Part of me wants to see some of that class difference stripped away a little in Maclay East. I'm not sure if this is the direction you're heading, I may be talking about something irrelevant here.

Fascinating opening sequence. Dani kisses Tara too often, too sweetly and too passionately for me to doubt her feelings any longer. The depth and extent of those feelings, and whether they match Tara's, are still unknown though. It bothers me less that they're able to slip back and forth between lovers and mistress/servant so readily. Dani switching the tone of their interaction by addressing Tara formally, even though it takes Tara a tick to catch on, she does. It is ironic that all this happens with the two of them just having gotten out of bed and with very little in the way of clothing.

I was re-reading School Days and there was a small bit in the beginning of Willow and Dawn talking.

"The Hobbits are walking and walking and falling asleep and walking and walking..."

Heh, this journey of Tara et al is not unlike Frodo and group setting off on their first great adventure, although the descriptions of are definitely not boring at all. I'm glad so many folks are going with them, with such diverse character and skills. What I love about this fic is that I'm equally interesting in Donnie and Xander as I am in Tara and Dani, they are much more than two-dimensional sidekicks. And now we are in a new locations, with new people to meet, new relationships to forge and everything new. So promising. Riveting reading, this.

p.s. Talking about class and the struggle between the have's and the have-not's, can I just say that this season of Survivor sucks asses! I'm behind you by a few episodes (not yet at merge) but it makes me sick, how the poor tribe has nothing and the fat tribe just lays around and gets more of everything. It's bad, bad, bad, bad TV.
[br]

[JustSkipIt]

watty – Hello there. I’m not surprised about the blurring of the distinction between upper and lower classes, even in England. Yes, this group has a pretty wide range of class and I think that Tara intends to erode part of that. I don’t know that it’s conscious for her but I think that she does want to see Dani as an equal rather than a possession or certainly a lesser being. And I think that while she would never admit that it’s equally unfair for others, the process of attempting to make Dani more her equal will force her to make everyone more equal. We’ll see how that goes.

Dani kisses Tara too often, too sweetly and too passionately for me to doubt her feelings any longer.

That’s reasonable.

It bothers me less that they're able to slip back and forth between lovers and mistress/servant so readily.

Again, I can see that. I think that in large part that distinction is one that Dani enjoys playing with. For Tara it’s somewhat of a necessity that she try to blur the distinction or at least believe “in this setting she is not my servant; in this other setting she is” but for Dani, I think it’s partially a game. Or as much as her entire existence can be a game. Does that make sense?

Tee hee: hobbits.

Wow: you’re as interested in the others as Tara and Dani? Cool. I guess I could write an entire series of fan fic on them too. Ha ha. Yes: new location and new people. We’ve already met Giles and we have one more Buffy alumnus to meet in the village.

Thank you.

p.s. Talking about class and the struggle between the have's and the have-not's, can I just say that this season of Survivor sucks asses! I'm behind you by a few episodes (not yet at merge) but it makes me sick, how the poor tribe has nothing and the fat tribe just lays around and gets more of everything. It's bad, bad, bad, bad TV.

See! That’s what I said. What I find so disturbing (besides how bad the show sucks) is the strength of conviction with which the “camp cushion” tribe has managed to convince itself that it deserves so much wealth while the losers are just that. They seem to fail to see how close they could be (there but for the grace of …) to being in loser camp either through a different division or through losing the first challenge. The thought that basically one challenge has determined the outcome of EVERY challenge from that point forward it stupid. But it truly disturbs me that lack of introspection shown by the gifted ones.

I was reading recently about a classic experiment done years ago in which they took healthy, well-adjusted college-aged men and randomly made them “guards” or “prisoners” and put them in a prison environment (fake of course). The experiment was supposed to last 2 weeks and had to be halted after 6 days because of the stress, injury, and illness of the participants. In less than 6 days the prisoners had begun to act as prisoners and the guards had started to dehumanize the prisoners completely as if they forgot that they were in an experiment (or that they were human beings I guess).

The other thing about Survivor is that Jeff is starting to really wear on me. He seems to be badgering the “losers” as if they are just lazy or screwups rather than acknowledging that gee, having no drinking water or food might really weigh on a group of people. He’s all “gee, you’re such losers. That must suck.” I wonder why?

Also: there are a serious shortage of likable players this time. I mean think back to last season. How many people were there that you would have been perfectly happy to see any of them win. How many in this season? Maybe three (Michelle, Earl, and Yau-man?). Maybe less than that. The others all seem without redeeming quality.

Ok, we’re off topic but it’s quite sad. I considered netflixing a season we didn’t watch (like Pearl Islands) and watching it instead but…

Thanks for the comments.

[JustSkipIt]

[center][/center]


Story Title – Waiting for Dani

Chapter – 13 – Maclay East

Author – JustSkipIt

Pairing – T/W

Feedback – Yes, please

Spoilers – None

Rating – R/NC-17?

Disclaimer – Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own Willow and Tara and the Buffyverse. I’m not saying this universe is totally original but I didn’t steal it from any author or creator that I know of. No copyright infringement is meant by this fic and I will not make any money from it.

Additional and permanent disclaimer – Yadda yadda. Yadda Yadda. Not comfortable. Power imbalance. Etc.


Our arrival at Maclay East threw us all into a frenzy of activity that has hardly ceased to this day. Our processional continued until we reached the manor, I hardly think to call it a castle. Steward Giles led myself, Dani, Faith, and Dawn through our new home as the others set about unloading the wagons and caring for the horses. With the exception of Dawn, the rest of us had never spent the night in such a meager building. The kitchen was perhaps half the size of the same at our previous home and by Dani’s count, which she relayed to me later, the building had only 45 bedrooms and two ballrooms. As we walked, Dani took a cursory inventory of necessary repairs for later determination.

Giles seemed to vacillate between pride in the Estates’s furnishings which were quite fine indeed and the condition of the building overall. However his feelings for the rest of the house, he showed obvious and unmistakable joy in the library. This one room put our library to shame, and I had never seen the like in my travels. Our new home contained perhaps half-again the number of books of our prior and Faith and I shared a glance surely meaning that we would not miss those tomes we left behind while my girl seemed to be somewhat transported by the offerings. I smiled as I surmised that were it not for our serious duties, she would have liked to stay in that room for weeks or even years doing nothing but reading. We later found out that generations ago the Lord and Lady of the Estate had two young daughters with poor health. Given that they could not ride, run, or shoot, they were educated even more so and both grew to love reading. Ever since, the Estate had quite prided itself on its vast library.

As we moved through the house, we met the remainder of the house staff, all turned out quite well. I remember thinking over and over how different it would be to live in a home with so few servants in comparison to our upbringing. At the conclusion of our tour, we reached my great-cousin’s chambers. Only Faith and I entered, Dawn and Dani departing to supervise and assist the others in their efforts. His appearance, I need not discuss, but he was arrayed well and those sitting with the body, his mark-bound servant included, were appropriate in every way. I thanked them for their service and left them to their vigil.

Given the time, Giles (for he quickly asked that we call him Giles as everyone did rather than Steward Giles) suggested that we break for lunch and apologized for a lack of game. He said that my cousin had not been a prolific hunter in the last few years and that the wildlife seemed to overrun the woods and fields. In fact, the livestock suffered terribly from predators and our efforts would be necessary to bring the sheep, goat, even cow herds back to a reasonable number. I laughed as Faith promised that she and Stefan would see to the issue very quickly. Nonetheless, lunch was a relaxed affair of soup, bread, cheese, fruit, and wine and the existing servants were quick and efficient in serving us. I asked Dani during the meal where Xander had gotten to as he would be welcome to eat with us but she said that he was investigating the outbuildings although he begged my allowance to inspect the castle (as he of course called this building) at the most convenient time. Turning from Dani I explained to Giles that we had brought a carpenter with us.

“Ah yes, Lady Maclay. You mentioned that you might. I promise he will find ample projects on this Estate for a year and a day at the minimum.”

Following lunch, Giles and myself retired to the impressive library for a number of long discussions. First on our agenda were funeral arrangements for my great cousin. I accepted the invitation on behalf of our Estate and he made reports on the notes he had sent out the prior day. He did not expect a sizeable showing and tradition and health concerns dictated that we take care of the body within two days. While I have never considered myself a Priestess, my standing as Lady and magic user qualified me to preside over the customs and prayers necessary and I accepted that honor without hesitation.

Next we poured over the family records as was necessary to officially determine the passing of this Estate into ours. We would be required to post notices of my cousin’s passing and his leaving no immediate kin with the details of his genealogy but baring a hidden and illegitimate heir stepping forward (not an impossibility as Giles put it while attempting to be as discrete as he could), the Estate was now fully part of the Maclay holdings and I Lady of this as well as my other home.

The light was growing dim by the time we had settled those two topics and my girl had joined us a few times to apprise me of the progress of the remainder of the group – Stefan and Dawn had gone hunting. Being still dark winter we had not long in the light and Giles suggested that I retire to my room for a bit before dinner. Dani informed me that as the master suite was occupied she had chosen a room which she felt I would like. She had a teasing look in her eye when she said it and I answered her quite formally that surely she knew my preferences by now and was capable of making such a choice quite admirably.

My girl led me up the stairs to this room and it was quite as she had hinted. On the second floor, fully half of the ceiling was glassed to show the stars and tops of the mountains in the distance. Directly under that glass was the bed and I grabbed my lover to kiss her deeply as I looked at it. The headboard was like nothing I had ever seen. It was massive and held a hundred or more gaps, slats, and indentions in what can only be imagined or described as endless handholds (or perhaps footholds). Dani ceased our kiss to whisper my exact thoughts. "Now you can hold on as tightly as you want while I make you scream, Tara."

"And the stars you see won't just be behind your eyelids."

No more words were necessary for me to send the fastest of spells to bolt the door to the room and we tested out that bed, finding it amazingly to our liking, until dinner time was called.

When I get up from this chair. When I walk across this room, open the door, descend the stairs, I do not know that I will ever come back. I can barely turn my head to see the bed and yet I feel that I must. I, who have been so evil, who have treated my love so basely, perhaps this should be my punishment. Not just being without Dani, but coming to this room each day. Sleeping in this bed and remembering how I abused one who had no power to resist me. Through my shame and my horror I admit that I thought none of this then.

Dinner was stuffed pheasant and talk, talk, talk from every quarter. Stefan and Dawn regaled us with tales of their brief exploration and the prolific wild game. Stefan did mention that some culling would be necessary and I gave him latitude in doing whatever was necessary to being the Estate back to greatest health for everyone understood that this was our purpose. Xander hesitated to speak at dinner but when pressed gave reports on the condition of the outbuildings. He was quite sorry to report some of his findings but promised his ability to reform the holdings. He sat to Giles’s right and I hoped that these two free-men would be able to bond and work together well. While they had very different personalities, each seemed the most respectable and capable of their class. Faith and Dani reported on the condition of the manor proper as well as the servants present and their strengths. Giles was able to chime in on the servants as well. I was quite privileged to have such capable assistance from all present and praised them profusely to let them know the importance of their efforts in our endeavor.

I informed all present of the funeral arrangements for our cousin. While Xander’s presence was optional, all others would not dare miss the ceremony—a fact of which I had no need to remind them.

Two days hence, in fact we set out from the estate carrying my grand-cousin’s remains on a litter. Xander had in fact determined to come (after consulting with Dani apparently) and he, Stefan, Jonah, Giles, the attendant, and my cousin’s mark-bound servant, F’drek bore his body with ease until we reached the edge of the lake where they laid him on his funeral pyre. I had never conducted a funeral before but I found myself quite transported by the traditional lamentations and praises. Faith joined in the prayers where allowed and the rest I conducted alone. Near the end, I was quite overcome with the level of heat I could feel rising within my body. When I channeled the power into my cousin’s body and saw his pyre ignite I felt almost a shock. I believe I slumped as the heat left my body and I regained awareness in Stefan’s arms looking up at the bluest sky as the fire raged a few feet away. Later Giles complimented the power and purity of my devotion to create such a consuming blaze.

We remained at the pyre until the last embers had burned out. Then, per tradition, every person present took a handful of ashes and walked in different directions scattering them as we went. The remainder we would allow the elements to scatter. Each at his or her own pace, we massed again and walked back to the Estate for the funeral meal. As Giles had predicted, we had only representation of two other houses, and those sent only three-mark nobles and their servants. Most other Estates would send their condolences and regrets in the following few days but we were quite geographically distant from others of our nobility.

After the meal, those I had brought returned to their tasks and I met with each of the servants for my cousin’s Estate. First of those was Fredrek and I formally offered him freedom from his bond as was his right. He thanked me for the offer and asked if he could remain bonded to the house which I granted. He has been a tremendous help in our efforts and I am grateful that he remained although he could still ask and be granted his freedom at any time. The other servants, I offered their freedom as well. While it was not their right, being bonded to the house, I felt that in a time of mourning and with the passing of ownership of the Estate, this was a reasonable and generous offer. Only two of the seven house servants accepted the offer and I completed their freed servant bonds and the appropriate documentation by sunset. I sent copies of the documentation via the returning drivers for maintenance in T’dre’s records. My day’s magical exertions left me quite drained and I was asleep long before dinner was called.

I have no wish to give you a day by day retelling of our time at Maclay East, nor could I should I wish it. The days quickly blended together marked by the passing of seasons and holidays. Faith and Dawn stayed with us over a moon and I dearly would have loved for them to stay longer. I made their welcome clear and more than a few tears were shed as they departed prior to the Spring Equinox.

By the time they left, we had made thorough inspections of the condition of every acre of the Estate. It was an Estate which could have been great and I believed could be again. While some fields had been planted and harvested well, others lay fallow lacking the manpower to manage them or perhaps my cousin’s skill to manage the tasks. Game was abundant and we never lacked for fresh meat. Stefan seemed to shine more and more brightly as I assigned him greater responsibilities on the Estate and by this date the herd animals have increased two-fold. Xander flung himself into each building project and eventually agreed to move into the “castle.” Giles was invaluable and his mind quick and overwhelming. I could not tell you who had the greater intellect: Dani or Giles and their games of Chest were a fascinating and sometimes fearsome sight. I afforded, no encouraged, no cajoled, them to relax more and work less and they spent hours on end studying the books in the library and debating theories which sailed right over my inadequate brain.

The vineyards of Maclay East were both a joyous and a disappointing discovery. While we had not the climate at our former home to maintain a vineyard, Maclay East did. The vineyards were in poor repair and required much effort to rehabilitate them but, seeing the possibilities, I quickly assigned three men to full time work doing just that. Their efforts paid off with production of over fifty barrels the first season and one hundred our second season. This season I quite expect to double that number again and I am considering expanding the acreage assigned to this aspect our of economy. And I can tell you, having been to many celebrations that our product is quite full and appreciated by all who partake.

Of course, I corresponded constantly with my Father to discuss my intentions and plans for the Estate. He made few suggestions but those which he shared were consistently vast improvements over the prior plans. In truth, the correspondence with Maclay Main was copious as we all kept in touch with the happenings of our friends and family. Dani wrote a note to Xander’s father on his behalf which I’m quite sure someone from our Estate read to him upon delivery. Occasionally our carpenter received a response from his father which was quite thrilling.

Within a few weeks of our arrival all of our procession had visited the villages. We spread out our visits to keep from overwhelming the citizens and Giles accompanied Dani and I on our first visits. Neither village was as sufficient or respectable as those near our old Estate which made perfect sense. Villages always prosper or fail in direct proportion to their Estates and I had as much wish to increase their fortunes as our own. Our arrival brought commissions to the crafts-men of the town and we offered to hire every willing resident to work the fields. We even offered residents a choice of working for a tradition wage or “owning” a share of land on which they could plant, raise, and harvest the crop. They would double our traditional 10% tithe and keep the profit. The first season only two families accepted this opportunity but the most recent season has seen eleven families “sharing” a portion of our Estate crops. We have profited by the increased tithe, the proper rotation of crops on our land, and having residents with greater fortunes which means greater spending in the villages.

The closer of the two villages, Turbren, boasts the best baker I have ever encountered. I would gladly offer Jenk any position in my kitchens for the opportunity to sample his wares each day upon arising. As it is, I have to settle for purchasing items from his ovens when his daughter, a strange girl, named Anya, walks to our Estate every three days. Anya is a curiously intense creature who speaks her mind at all times, even in my presence and in spite of Dani’s constant shushing of her, and who harbors an almost fatal fear of rabbits. I believe Xander’s initial interest in her was almost thwarted as he, uninformed of this strong feeling, presented her with a carving of rabbit shortly after meeting her for the first time. Suffice it to say, I believe he has gotten over her rejection of his efforts and that when he did not return to the castle for more and more nights, we did not worry his absence. For the past year he has lived in the village and we are always able to locate him by calling at the bake shop.

And what of my Dani? My reason, at least initially, for moving to this Estate? She has blossomed beautifully here. Free from the shadow of Delam and Doris and even Derek as I am of my father and Melanie, her management skills are highlighted and almost exploited here. It was she who first proposed and explained the advantages to allowing the villagers to plant and harvest our land. She has suggested multiple variations in design of this building or the tools used on the Estate, each time supplying Xander with sketches and then working with him as he creates custom tools. Each and every effort has gained efficiency and productivity increases and many of them we have shared with the main Estate with profuse gratitude from my father. She has not yet completed her exploration of the library and I frequently hear her voice raised with or against Giles’s in discussion of an obscure point of philosophy or theory.

Inspired by her indulgence of Xander’s interest in corresponding with his father she began, with my approval, to teach him his letters and basic reading and writing. Interestingly Briena and Lory both asked to be taught and these lessons have continued weekly. Fredrek has joined my girl in her teachings and they have expanded greatly. Sometimes as many as twelve or thirteen villagers will arrive for the lessons. While I don’t think that the meal we serve at the conclusion of the lesson hurts attendance, most of them seem to come primarily for the rare opportunity.

And we have been blessedly shielded from society here. We have received invitations to balls but most are so far away that we could not attend them even if we wished to do so. Stefan has taken leave of our Estate on three occasions to represent us at large celebrations, each time returning in such high spirits that I did not have to ask to know that Faith was also in attendance. Occasionally we accommodate visiting nobility which brings us some entertainment and political and economic reports from close or distant lands. When I was younger and my father assured me that my high marks would ensure Dani of “class in her prospective mates” the thought sickened me. Now I appreciate it in that in over two years we have had only one visit from a five-marked noble. Most Lords remain on their own estates unless attending the highest and most important of celebrations (as my marking was) so we have been free of that possibility and all the happier for it. I once happened upon Merie taking with Dani and would posit that the possibility of our isolation was at least part of the reason for both her and Lory volunteering to accompany us. While I do not think to question their relationship, they seem quite happy to share quarters.

And my relationship with my love only blossomed with our adventure and freedom. Our connection, our conversation, our intimacy was increased over and over again each time I looked at her. I felt as if each moment with Dani was an expression of every good part of my very soul. So often, we knew what the other was thinking without words. Our roles, our titles, dropped away until days and even weeks went by with no address other than Tara or Dani or “my love” or “sweetie.” I can not think that the others of our Estate thought Dani disrespectful but surely they understood that she was not the usual servant but more appropriately my partner in every aspect our lives. And while she has still never professed her love for me in any but the most general and respectful of words, she demonstrated that love over and over. Where she was shy in expressing her needs and wants, in initiating our intimacy, she left this reservation on our prior home. Sharing my almost overwhelming passion …

Does this sound like a confession? Should I call a priestess or my father to sit in judgment or assign penance toward my absolution? And can there ever be absolution for my sins? You see now, do you not, the way I took advantage of my girl? How I used her over and over and never saw the evil of my ways. And was it more horrible for her? Being abused by one who spoke of love? When she cried after our lovemaking and told me that it was because she was so moved by my love for her, by her own happiness, were they truly tears of joy or did she cry in pain and I in my selfishness never realized?

I would do anything she asked to gain my love’s absolution. To gain my love’s… love. For there is nothing else for me. I shall never marry, my title be damned. Eventually, of course, I must bear my successor and this I shall do. But marry? I will not and I will not be forced.

If she should return. Dani. I would fall on my knees and beg her forgiveness. Offer her everything I can. My partnership in truth. My very life. Anything she asks. Anything.

Before I took this chair, I held out hope that my beliefs were not so wrong, my actions not so evil. That Dani did love me as I do her. That she was willing and eager to love me but somehow, for some reason, unwilling to say so. But in this, the darkest hour of night, that glimmer of hope fades and I torture myself with the certainty that she felt no such passion. No such tenderness of affection for me.

I put the time four in the morning and my mind plays tricks on me. The coral door seems to swing on the hinge and I mentally put on my list that Dani needs to ask someone to oil it and fix the latch before I remember… A few moments later I imagine it closing but by that time I no longer care for the noise it makes.

The sun will rise in no more than three hours and I still must tell of Lord Finn’s visit and everything which has transpired since that day.

And I will.

[dlline]

Dibs!

Wow, Deb. Lots of stuff happened here, so again I’ll just try to break it down to figure it out.

…the rest of us had never spent the night in such a meager building.
…only 45 bedrooms and two ballrooms.

It really is a shame the way these poor people are forced to live.

This following bit made me uncomfortable at first read, and only got worse as the update progressed:

Dani informed me that as the master suite was occupied she had chosen a room which she felt I would like. She had a teasing look in her eye when she said it…

And this:

Dani ceased our kiss to whisper my exact thoughts. "Now you can hold on as tightly as you want while I make you scream, Tara."

The thing here that held my attention with the “my exact thoughts” part. It is becoming more and more clear to me that Dani is playing the part. She is saying “exactly” the right thing for a servant to say. Well trained, indeed!

… I, who have been so evil, who have treated my love so basely, perhaps this should be my punishment.
…Sleeping in this bed and remembering how I abused one who had no power to resist me. Through my shame and my horror I admit that I thought none of this then.

Wow, I think she got it!

her management skills are highlighted and almost exploited here.

Interesting choice of words. Intentional I think. I don’t think Dani’s management skills were the only thing “exploited” here, and I think Tara finally figured it out.

Inspired by her indulgence of Xander’s interest in corresponding with his father she began, with my approval…

Again, we are reminded exactly who is in charge.

And while she has still never professed her love for me in any but the most general and respectful of words, she demonstrated that love over and over. Where she was shy in expressing her needs and wants, in initiating our intimacy, she left this reservation on our prior home. Sharing my almost overwhelming passion …

Sharing, expressing, initiating…all great, wonderful words that indicate an equanimity that we find out didn’t really exist. Well, Tara thought it did. Clueless at the time, but I guess she finally had her slap-yourself-in-the-forehead, V8 moment.

…I took advantage of my girl? How I used her over and over and never saw the evil of my ways. And was it more horrible for her? Being abused by one who spoke of love? When she cried after our lovemaking and told me that it was because she was so moved by my love for her, by her own happiness, were they truly tears of joy or did she cry in pain and I in my selfishness never realized?

Again, now she gets it.

The sun will rise in no more than three hours and I still must tell of Lord Finn’s visit and everything which has transpired since that day.

Ok, this is the one thing that made me go “Hmm. Wonder what happened when Lord Finn visited.” I’ll go out on a big limb here and say that the true nature of Tara’s relationship with Dani was exposed to the world, and Dani found out that she was performing waaaay beyond the call of duty. I’m probably wrong, but hey, that’s my wild speculation.

I know…lots of stuff here. Dani and Tara together…has to happen. Happy ending? I don’t think so.

Brilliant work, Deb. Really, truly compelling stuff.

Diane

[db]

second dibs !

"I'll be back"

*gulp*



Debra. This update was brilliant. I mean I still don't completely understand, but I finally got this thing that I so needed:

I, who have been so evil, who have treated my love so basely, perhaps this should be my punishment. Not just being without Dani, but coming to this room each day. Sleeping in this bed and remembering how I abused one who had no power to resist me. Through my shame and my horror I admit that I thought none of this then.

...and so we come to Tara's realization, and, I think we are finally at (or very close to) the present. The thing is that I just don't know what kicked her in the head to make her realize... and I am afraid of it. What makes Tara feel such shame and despair? What makes Dani go? What *happpened*?! (for the record, I don't actually expect answers -- except in the form of the unfolding story). I just want to say the questions because this is where your writing leads me, *powerfully*.


*this* is what good story writing is all about and, truely, this update was rich and compelling and left me with more questions than answers...


so.

Here's where I am. Dani is brilliant and I love her interactions with Giles and the ways Tara expresses pride in how she excells. I love the egalitarian input that makes the estate grow and the pride both Dani and Tara take in sharing wealth and empowerment. I love watching them grow as people (and it seems Dani grows more than any other character, but maybe it's just that we see her through Tara's rose colored glasses)... and I feel like we are nearly there (at the pivitol point in the story).

I am guessing that the mystery event or series of events has something to do with Riley's visit he has high enough marks and is Stefan's brother (... and I swear to god, if he laid a hand on Dani I'm gunna say cuss words, in capitals, and possibly in bold)! I wonder though, if it is the possibility of some sort of marks rights taking with Riley, or some confrontation re: this issue that makes Tara finally buy a clue about her own behavior? I wonder about revelations regarding Dani's magic use? I wonder who's at the door and mostly I wonder if Dani will *ever* say the words "I love you" or if those are only words Willow can say.

I can't wait to find out.

You sure do know how to spin a tale!

db

[spells42]

Debra
As always, you excel. The story becomes 'mysteriouser and mysteriouser'.

Loving it.
Anne

[tazraven]

Ok, wow Debra. You revealed so much in this chapter, that I'm not sure what to say. I guess the best way I can do this is just discuss some quotes.

Dani ceased our kiss to whisper my exact thoughts. "Now you can hold on as tightly as you want while I make you scream, Tara."

"And the stars you see won't just be behind your eyelids."

I know that this, to be honest, doesn't have alot to do with advancing the plot line, but I just had to quote it. At some times, Dani seems so true, and honest. It's almost easy for me to forget that Dani is the servant and there's all that ambiguity and badness for them to work through. I just, argh. I love thos story, but sometimes the ambiguity of it all drives me up a wall.

When I get up from this chair. When I walk across this room, open the door, descend the stairs, I do not know that I will ever come back. I can barely turn my head to see the bed and yet I feel that I must. I, who have been so evil, who have treated my love so basely, perhaps this should be my punishment. Not just being without Dani, but coming to this room each day. Sleeping in this bed and remembering how I abused one who had no power to resist me. Through my shame and my horror I admit that I thought none of this then.

Alright, what can I say about this quote except wow. I mean, we all have known that Dani is gone since the first chapter. Heck, even the title gives that away. But now we have the undeniable confession. Tara, at some point in this story, realizes what she has done to Dani. And again, I knew this was coming. But still, it just seems a big development for Tara to finally give us this.

For the past year he has lived in the village and we are always able to locate him by calling at the bake shop.

Again, one of those things that really doesn't mean alot to the overall story, it just made me smile.

Inspired by her indulgence of Xander’s interest in corresponding with his father she began, with my approval, to teach him his letters and basic reading and writing. Interestingly Briena and Lory both asked to be taught and these lessons have continued weekly. Fredrek has joined my girl in her teachings and they have expanded greatly. Sometimes as many as twelve or thirteen villagers will arrive for the lessons.

Let's talk about Dani. She's pretty awesome. Even as I write that, I'm cringing, because it's really an understatement. She's smart, she's magically inclined, she's nice to everyone, she's beautiful and funny, and she's giving. And you know what? Maybe I shouldn't say this, because I'm not sure I actually believe it, but Dani might just be too good for Tara, at least right now. She doesn't deserve this, and I can only hope that Tara makes it up to Dani somehow. And once again, I'm thinking that I don't know how this can end happily. Whatever happens, there will always be this part of their life where Tara took advantage, maybe unwittingly, maybe not, of Dani.

You see now, do you not, the way I took advantage of my girl? How I used her over and over and never saw the evil of my ways. And was it more horrible for her? Being abused by one who spoke of love? When she cried after our lovemaking and told me that it was because she was so moved by my love for her, by her own happiness, were they truly tears of joy or did she cry in pain and I in my selfishness never realized?

And again! It's painful, what Tara realizes at some point in this story, and we don't know when. So I'll end with a couple more quotes.

If she should return. Dani. I would fall on my knees and beg her forgiveness. Offer her everything I can.

and this...

Before I took this chair, I held out hope that my beliefs were not so wrong, my actions not so evil. That Dani did love me as I do her. That she was willing and eager to love me but somehow, for some reason, unwilling to say so. But in this, the darkest hour of night, that glimmer of hope fades and I torture myself with the certainty that she felt no such passion. No such tenderness of affection for me.

and finally this...

The sun will rise in no more than three hours and I still must tell of Lord Finn’s visit and everything which has transpired since that day.

I know I've used way too many quotes, but really, this chapter either revealed so much, or not enough. I can't decide. Tara knows what she did is wrong. But I've known all along that at the point where she's telling the story, she knows. At this point, I am only wondering what situation sparked the leaving of Dani. Did Lord Finn try and invoke his mark rights, showing Tara the error of her ways? To be honest, I can't really hope for the best, because I don't know what the best is. Their relationship is pretty messed up. I didn't think so before, but through Tara's telling, we get more and more information about how she was wrong. It amazes me how naive I was in my first feedback for this story. Anyways, I feel an end is drawing near, and I loov forwards to how this will all turn out. Great chapter Debra. Amazing as always.

~Sara

[willntarra4eva]

First I've got to say that this story is just indescribable! It got me so hooked I couldn't leave my computer all day till I finished it. It's an amzaing story and very well written! FIVE STARS!!! Cant wait till the next chapter!!! Please be soon!

[tarawhipped]

Lots of interesting stuff here, Debra. Once again the image of Tara sitting alone in a darkened room, waiting as the night ebbs away just screams "New Moon Rising." You may be borrowing the image without the context, but if there is any parallel to canon, then Dani is off somewhere presumably making a choice. Whether or not that choice involves an Oz, if not the Oz, I'm not sure. It's always seemed (to me) likely that the reason for the separation was an event: a conversation, harsh words, etc...not a slow build up of anything. That Tara mentions Lord Finn's visit makes me even more sure, and I'm really itching to see what happens there.

I also wonder how Tara came to the conclusion that she was 'mistreating' Dani. I don't want to excuse the potential of the bonding to allow abuse to occur, but I've always felt that their feelings were mutual, even if Dani's are unspoken. the fact that she's "blossomed beautifully" at Maclay East, teaching and managing, shows that she isn't merely putting up with Tara's whim to move, but being an active partner in the estate and the surrounding villages. So I have to wonder if some third party (Anya? One of Lord Finn's entourage?) said something to Tara, or she overheard it, that made her think that everything she'd done was against Dani's will.

This remains one of the most intriguing, thought-provoking, and well written stories I've read, and I look forward to more.
-Cam

[Artemis]

Okay, my first thought - entirely facetious, of course - was "Yep, trust Riley to screw everything up."

These last couple of chapters have had a particularly strong sense of atmosphere to them - as if, like Tara muses, they've left something oppressive behind, and are travelling lighter now. Even though that's not really the case, reading the chapters felt like that, and Tara and Dani seemed happier, and reading their scenes together felt less tainted by the effect of their positions on their relationship. Earlier there was this underlying cringe factor with the two of them - like watching a scene knowing disaster is coming, and the happier things look the worse it is to watch - but out here, that was lifted.

An illusion, of course, which makes the apparently oncoming turmoil all the more pronounced. What I'm wondering now is... well, it's dififcult to really explain it, but having seen Tara enjoy the lion's share of the benefits of her advantage over Dani (before she realised it, and started worrying), I'm wondering if, somehow, she's now experiencing the most anguish over it. All the angst she's going through - I wonder how much is just the sudden weight of realisation crashing down on her? It's difficult to say, not knowing yet how all this came to a head, but with Tara having been so oblivious in this story... I don't know, I wonder if perhaps, in a thoroughly sweet way, she's being oblivious one more time, to how Dani may just forgive her. Not pretend there was nothing wrong, but, as much as Tara was oblivious before, in telling her and Dani's story she's clearly well aware of it all now. Maybe that's all Dani needs?

[JustSkipIt]

dlline – Again, congrats on the dibs.

I would agree that “a lot of stuff happened.”

It really is a shame the way these poor people are forced to live.

Lol. Exactly. I mean they will hardly be able to manage at this poor hovel. Notice how committed Tara is to not calling it a Castle while Xander seems quite awed by it.

The thing here that held my attention with the “my exact thoughts” part. It is becoming more and more clear to me that Dani is playing the part. She is saying “exactly” the right thing for a servant to say. Well trained, indeed!

I think your discomfort at Dani’s words and intimations is quite well deserved. But I still posit that there are a number of ways this could be seen. Is it that Dani truly does feel as Tara does (thus the “my thoughts exactly”) or is it that Dani is merely playing the part of Tara’s servant very well oris the entire exposition not trustworthy? We know that by the end of this update Tara is completely beating herself up and abusing herself over her treatment of Dani. Perhaps this entire exchange or at least Tara’s interjected “my thoughts exactly” are narrative clues from her to let the reader start being mad at her (not that we need much more of that).

Quote:
… I, who have been so evil, who have treated my love so basely, perhaps this should be my punishment.
…Sleeping in this bed and remembering how I abused one who had no power to resist me. Through my shame and my horror I admit that I thought none of this then.

Wow, I think she got it!

Yeah. I’d say she’s finally on the clue train (or clue processional or whatever).

Quote:
her management skills are highlighted and almost exploited here.

Interesting choice of words. Intentional I think. I don’t think Dani’s management skills were the only thing “exploited” here, and I think Tara finally figured it out.

Again I point to Tara’s narrative skill, particularly her life-long exposure to the oral narrative and bards comes into play here. She is timing her story to bring the listener to her conclusions and at this point, she is not pleading for leniency but attempting to convince the listener of her own evil.

Your emphasis of Tara’s comment that Dani is teaching, with her approval is telling. I think it’s one of those things that she wouldn’t even see as relating to their roles. She just thinks that she’s in charge of the Estate and Dani (which she is) and that of course, it is with her approval.

I just noted that now I’m quoting back both your quotes and mine in order to comment on them. It’s a good thing we’re not having to pay for space on KB by the word.

Quote:
And while she has still never professed her love for me in any but the most general and respectful of words, she demonstrated that love over and over. Where she was shy in expressing her needs and wants, in initiating our intimacy, she left this reservation on our prior home. Sharing my almost overwhelming passion …

Sharing, expressing, initiating…all great, wonderful words that indicate an equanimity that we find out didn’t really exist. Well, Tara thought it did. Clueless at the time, but I guess she finally had her slap-yourself-in-the-forehead, V8 moment.

Have we actually found out that it didn’t exist? We have found out that Tara now believes that it didn’t exist but have we actually found that out? Ok. Equanimity? Probably not. But Dani’s feelings? We really don’t know do we?

Oh, BTW. I don’t think that equanimity is actually the word you’re looking for here. Dictionary.com lists five definitions which all are approximately “mental or emotional stability or composure, esp. under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.” Anyway, I don’t mean to criticize; I wouldn’t know the word except that that it comes up in meditation practice quite a bit.

Re: Lord Finn’s visit? Good guess. Without giving too much away I will say that his visit is more a prime mover than an event of exposition in itself. It’s kind of the dividing event for the remainder of the story. Like you may divide this into: their childhood, Tara’s mark taking to their going to Maclay East, and Lord Finn’s visit to the end.

I know…lots of stuff here. Dani and Tara together…has to happen. Happy ending? I don’t think so.

Well… as I’ve said. I truly hope that readers will find the ending of this story to sufficiently resolve the major conflicts. And as I’ve said, it’s something that keeps me awake (from 1:00 to 2:30 last night in fact). I hope it works.

Thanks so much for your wonderful comments.

db -

"I'll be back"

Much like the Terminator.

Debra. This update was brilliant. I mean I still don't completely understand, but I finally got this thing that I so needed:

and then what will be the most quoted paragraph of this story or at least this update… Thanks for the brilliant.

...and so we come to Tara's realization, and, I think we are finally at (or very close to) the present.

The events covered in this update take us within about 7-9 months of present. I’ve been a bit vague regarding birthdays and such but when they left Maclay Main Tara was 17. She is describing their first two years which to them would be very much two harvests so we can assume that the period she described in this update took her to at least late August of when she was 19 and when she started the story she said that she “had 20 summers.” So we’re reasonably close to present. (Or should I spoiler this entire explanation so that Watty can bring her considerable analytical and spreadsheeting skills into telling us how long until we are at this moment?). Tee hee.

The thing is that I just don't know what kicked her in the head to make her realize... and I am afraid of it. What makes Tara feel such shame and despair? What makes Dani go? What *happpened*?! (for the record, I don't actually expect answers -- except in the form of the unfolding story).

Of course you don’t but they are all very good questions. And they will be answered in the next two-three updates …

I just want to say the questions because this is where your writing leads me, *powerfully*.


*this* is what good story writing is all about and, truely, this update was rich and compelling and left me with more questions than answers...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks for the list of what you like about this update and their relationship/work. I have always liked and appreciated the idea of what makes a successful feudal society: that the Lords etc. prosper when and only when the people prosper (seems like that would be nice in today’s society wouldn’t it?) so I really wanted a chance for Tara to begin to bring up the fortunes of not just her own peroperty but the entire area over which she is Lady.

and I feel like we are nearly there (at the pivitol point in the story).

Yes. We are within a few updates.

I am guessing that the mystery event or series of events has something to do with Riley's visit he has high enough marks and is Stefan's brother (... and I swear to god, if he laid a hand on Dani I'm gunna say cuss words, in capitals, and possibly in bold)!

Ah. Two corrections – one slight, one crucial. 1. Stefan is actually Riley’s cousin. His father is the non-Lord brother of Riley’s father. That means that Riley’s father (Lord Finn) has 5 marks and Riley has 4 because he is the oldest son of the Lord (meaning he will become Lord). Stefan’s father is still “Master Finn” (all marked male nobility who are not the Lord) and has 3 marks. Stefan has only 2 marks because his father is not even lord. Riley has only 4 marks (like Donnie) and will not receive the 5th mark until (or if) his father dies, making him Lord. Thus: Riley doesn’t have enough marks to take rights with Dani although he could with Delam, Delia, Dawn, etc.

FYI: The only way Stefan could become Lord would be if everyone between himself and the Lordship dies (Riley’s father, Riley himself, all Riley’s brothers, Stefan’s father, all Lord Riley’s brothers, etc.).

FYI: Stefan will not become Lord.

I wonder who's at the door and mostly I wonder if Dani will *ever* say the words "I love you" or if those are only words Willow can say.

Now those are two damn good questions.

Thank you so much.

Anne – Thanks so much. Mysteriouser and mysteriouser…

Sara – Quote away. This is quite a quoty update and quoty feedback session so I totally get that.

At some times, Dani seems so true, and honest. It's almost easy for me to forget that Dani is the servant and there's all that ambiguity and badness for them to work through. I just, argh. I love thos story, but sometimes the ambiguity of it all drives me up a wall.

I’ll take that as a bit of a compliment. Yes, I want you driven a little bit up the wall. I want you going “does she or doesn’t she?” “What is wrong with Tara?” “Why doesn’t…” “What?...” I really do.

Quote:
When I get up from this chair. When I walk across this room, open the door, descend the stairs, I do not know that I will ever come back. I can barely turn my head to see the bed and yet I feel that I must. I, who have been so evil, who have treated my love so basely, perhaps this should be my punishment. Not just being without Dani, but coming to this room each day. Sleeping in this bed and remembering how I abused one who had no power to resist me. Through my shame and my horror I admit that I thought none of this then.

Alright, what can I say about this quote except wow. I mean, we all have known that Dani is gone since the first chapter. Heck, even the title gives that away. But now we have the undeniable confession. Tara, at some point in this story, realizes what she has done to Dani. And again, I knew this was coming. But still, it just seems a big development for Tara to finally give us this.

Yes. I totally agree with your assessment here. In a lot of ways this chapter is a turning point for the girls. On one hand we have increased autonomy and initiation by Dani and at the same time the overwhelming feeling of this chapter is Tara’s guilt and horror at what she has done. So yes, she has finally realized it and now …

Maybe I shouldn't say this, because I'm not sure I actually believe it, but Dani might just be too good for Tara, at least right now.

I love it. I love that comment because the fact is that they’re in a society where even if Dani wasn’t a servant. Even if she wasn’t a woman, their society would never see her as Tara’s equal because she’s not noble. It would be like if Anne wanted to marry Xander or something (yuck) (don’t take that wrong. I love Buffy and I love Xander but I can’t stand the thought of them together). But in a lot of ways, Dani seems to be Tara’s superior doesn’t she? Luckily love isn’t a scorecard.

Whatever happens, there will always be this part of their life where Tara took advantage, maybe unwittingly, maybe not, of Dani.

Such a great point. In NMR there has always been part that disturbed me. I mean it’s wonderful that Willow chooses Tara and that she comes to her with the extra flamey candle and “you should be with the person you love…” and “I am…” but I’ve always been disturbed by the “… and I’m going to start making it up to you right now…” line. I’m not sure that I can explain why. It’s just that the things Willow has done (which as I see it is basically being unable to commit and unable to say that she loves Tara and waffling re: Oz vs. Tara and possibly allowing Tara to be chased by a werewolf although how would that be Willow’s fault?) anyway those things. I’ve always thought that the implication that Willow is going to make up for those things in some sexual way was a bit distasteful. You know? Like is she saying that’s they’ve never been intimate (not my belief) or that she’s been an unequal partner in their intimacy and if so, is she saying that she’s going to make up for whatever she has to make up for sexually? Because really? Don’t you want someone you love to want to make love with you because she loves you rather than because she wants to make up for something? Anyway, the connection here is how would Tara make it up to Dani? Obviously she can’t make it up to her that way since that is the exact way that she’s been taking advantage of her (allegedly).

More quotes (well done).

And again! It's painful, what Tara realizes at some point in this story

110% true.

… but really, this chapter either revealed so much, or not enough. I can't decide. Tara knows what she did is wrong. But I've known all along that at the point where she's telling the story, she knows.

Absolutely although this update certainly blows up her knowledge of that point.

Thanks so much. As you say, the end is drawing near and it’s hard to see a good resolution. And I only hope that the one I offer will be fitting to the readers.

willntarra4eva – Hello and thank you for reading. I’ll start working on the next chapter in the next few days but it may be a little slow. I’ve got a consulting job that might take me a week and that will kind of take the place of writing in my free-time schedule. I’ll get there though. Thanks.

Cam – So glad to see your comments.

You may be borrowing the image without the context,

Not to sound too smart-ass but would I do that?

… but if there is any parallel to canon, then Dani is off somewhere presumably making a choice. Whether or not that choice involves an Oz, if not the Oz, I'm not sure. It's always seemed (to me) likely that the reason for the separation was an event: a conversation, harsh words, etc...not a slow build up of anything.

I’ll give you two points there and I’ll say outright that there is no Oz in this story. There may be an Oz in the sequel but here: no Oz.

I also wonder how Tara came to the conclusion that she was 'mistreating' Dani.

An excellent question. Definitely will be laid out.

I don't want to excuse the potential of the bonding to allow abuse to occur, but I've always felt that their feelings were mutual, even if Dani's are unspoken.

I think that’s a reasonable interpretation of the facts of the case. We’ll see why Tara thinks otherwise.

This remains one of the most intriguing, thought-provoking, and well written stories I've read, and I look forward to more.

Thanks so much. That means a lot.

Chris – Lol your first thought. Or maybe Riley is actually going to fix some things?

Thanks for the comments about the last few chapters and the atmosphere. I’m fascinated that you say that because to me they’re the, I don’t know, lightest? Chapters yet. They’re very “and then we went this way and did these things and we all grew taller and smarter and richer…” But maybe that’s kind of the leaving something oppressive behind and traveling lighter sensation. I think that in a lot of ways they are traveling lighter now that they left so much society and family behind.

Mmm. I love the point you make about Tara enjoying so much luxury (for lack of a better term) perhaps at Dani’s expense now we wonder if Dani might be having that. I would say that in a way you’ve hit something on the head (or at least firmly on the left shoulder). I would definitely say that Tara’s now experiencing her share of angst over it (and yes, there will be angst for Dani but it will be a very different angst).

I wonder how much is just the sudden weight of realisation crashing down on her?

From this chapter, I would say that it seems that a great amount of her angst is based on that.

I don't know, I wonder if perhaps, in a thoroughly sweet way, she's being oblivious one more time, to how Dani may just forgive her. Not pretend there was nothing wrong, but, as much as Tara was oblivious before, in telling her and Dani's story she's clearly well aware of it all now. Maybe that's all Dani needs?

An excellent question.

You make some great points and some more that I can’t really comment on without giving away too much. Thanks so much.

[PancakesinBellies]

And so the angst train pulls into the station...I can't even articulate a response at this point, but thought I'd let you know that I'm still reading and enjoying this story. Keep up the good work!

[The Rose24]

Things seem to be becoming clearer in more ways than one.

I had a hard time getting through this update because it gave me knots in my stomach.

[ringwaldoeuvre]

Excellent updates. I am fascinated at Tara's sudden turn of mood. She's cognizant of the imbalance between herself and Dani, yet there must have been some event to have sparked such self-awareness. Since Dani is incapable of speaking against her, I would venture that it is Faith or Giles or someone else that catches/observes them and brings it up with Tara. But I know speculation is irrelevant, since you have it all planned out. Anyway. The subtle plot development is well done.

I was/am curious about where the Xander plots goes. It seems that he has an emotional tie to Dani and Tara, yet I wonder if Tara's epiphany will lead to different treatment of all the servants, not just Dani.

I am still a little thrown by the perspective. Although I am inclined to take all reports of Dani's actions with a grain, heck, a spoon-full, of salt, I cannot help but detect that there is some truth to the idea that she feels for Tara. It is telling that many actions are initiated by Willow. In this chapter, she took some initiative to find the best bedroom for herself and Tara; and going back, despite my reservations regarding perspective, Willow initiated an intimate relationship with Tara. Actions can be revealing, but it does not mean that they, too, are not misguided. One is forced to wonder if there is a dramatic difference between "telling" and "showing" Tara that she cares for her. I could go on, but I will refrain from making "metaphor" a dirty word. Anyway, there have been a few other instances, but I am comfortable assuming that there is a statistical significance, which means that Dani might not entirely dislike her intimacy with Tara.

Very much looking forward to more. As well as the eventual channeling of Judith Butler that Tara will hopefully experience.

[Emms]

Wonderful Chapter, Debra. Sorry it's taken me so long to leave feedback, but this week's been really busy for me. I did read this right away when you posted it though..

I've come to the determination that I'm not going to worry so much about how Dani feels at this time... because as I was reading some of the comments left by others I remembered that Dani was the one, after all, who started the intimate relationship with Tara in the first place... and that was before she was even bound to Tara and she still had her own free will.

I think Dani loves Tara and it doesn't matter that she wont say it because I think if she did say it Tara wouldn't be able to believe it anyway... so it's probably better that she shows Tara instead of tells Tara..... (wow... that read like it was straight out of a 4th grade book report *giggle*... really, it was more eloquent in my head )

I was relieved when, in the story, Tara decides to skip ahead and not go into great detail about every single second of their time there up until when her story becomes important again, (not that that wouldn't have been great too) because if feels like we're nearing some sort of climax or at least coming closer to a few realizations on Tara's part.

And my relationship with my love only blossomed with our adventure and freedom. Our connection, our conversation, our intimacy was increased over and over again each time I looked at her. I felt as if each moment with Dani was an expression of every good part of my very soul.

I don't know why quite yet, but something about all those 'I' statements doesn't feel right.

anyhoo... I didn't mean to end this feedback on a paranoid note but duty calls and I must trudge off to work.

Great chapter! I'm always excited when I see a new chapter to my favorite story.

xoxo
Emms

[ZenMe]

I'm not a big feedbacker, but I wanted to let you know I love the story and appreciate all your hard work!

I agree with Emms...I think Dani's 'I love you' will have so much more meaning when its coming from Willow.

Thanks again.

[Second Fig]

Ok, so that is a lot to take in but I’ll try and put my thoughts into words.
Number A, I like that you have moved Tara and Dani’s location in the story I believe that it gives their actions an independence that they did not have before and they are far enough away where the influences of Tara’s father is minimal, her actions are her own, not a reaction to society’s expectations.
Number B, Their relationship, perhaps you don’t put a lot of dialog in the story for a reason but it seems like a good bit of the relationship is built up in Tara’s own mind, she is constructing her own interpretation of reality without truly taking into consideration other people.
What does “I love you” mean to Dani? I don't expect an answer but her story I believe would be very interesting to read...
The glimpse you gave us of the repentant Tara was sad and she appears genuinely remorseful. She seems as if she is only beginning to understand what she has done so I can’t wait to find out what caused Dani to suddenly be gone. And finally Lord Finn, yuck! That is all I have to say about that. I anxiously wait for your next chapter of DOOM!

[JustSkipIt]

PancakesinBellies – Thanks so much. I’m glad that your reading and enjoying this story. I’m very proud of it so I’m glad that it’s working for you.

Thanks.

The Rose24 – Yes to both the clearer and the knots in the stomach. I kind of think that if a reader isn’t concerned, s/he isn’t paying much attention. It’s a definite knots situation.

Thanks.

ringwaldoeuvre – Yes, I think that Tara’s turn of mood is somewhat sudden and at the same time is kind of something that has been building throughout her narrative. Now she’s nearing the dark time of the soul and she’s tired, hungry, lonely, and lovelost so she’s letting herself fall into it more. Did something happen that sparked her change of heart? Yes and no. We’ll see about that.

Since Dani is incapable of speaking against her, I would venture that it is Faith or Giles or someone else that catches/observes them and brings it up with Tara. But I know speculation is irrelevant, since you have it all planned out. Anyway. The subtle plot development is well done.

Nice guesses and yes it is planned and thank you.

I was/am curious about where the Xander plots goes. It seems that he has an emotional tie to Dani and Tara, yet I wonder if Tara's epiphany will lead to different treatment of all the servants, not just Dani.

Kind of two different questions/comments there. The Xander plotline? I wish I had more to say about him. I’ll admit that he’s there mostly for his inclusion and his work. He’s a good man who is skilled at his craft and allows Dani and Tara both an association/friendship with a free-man. Beyond that, he doesn’t really have a strong role here. I wish I could say that Tara will learn that there should be no marked servants but I don’t think that realization is within her person. She may begin to question the practice but truly, changes like that take generations to happen. So…

I would have to say that you are right in detecting that it seems that Dani is more inclined to support and initiate her relationship with Tara in this update. The question becomes how Tara will interpret that rather than how we do though.

Anyway, there have been a few other instances, but I am comfortable assuming that there is a statistical significance, which means that Dani might not entirely dislike her intimacy with Tara.

Spoken like a true scientist. I love it!!!

Thanks and lol!

Emms – Don’t worry about the time. I’m writing the next update more slowly so you’ve got time. But it’s here now so no worries and thanks.

… I remembered that Dani was the one, after all, who started the intimate relationship with Tara in the first place... and that was before she was even bound to Tara and she still had her own free will.

An excellent point indeed. Now we’ll just see what that action meant and what Tara takes it to mean.

I think Dani loves Tara and it doesn't matter that she wont say it because I think if she did say it Tara wouldn't be able to believe it anyway

I think that’s a valid concern, particularly given the direction that Tara’s emotions seem to be moving at this point in the narrative. If Tara believes that Dani is only acting the way she is acting (as if) because she has to then wouldn’t she just believe the same thing about Dani’s words?

I was relieved when, in the story, Tara decides to skip ahead and not go into great detail about every single second of their time there up until when her story becomes important again,

You’re not the only one. Can you imagine that story:

“the next day we rode fence and dug nineteen post holes and had baked quail with pears.”
“the next day we dug a new well and slaughtered a goat and used his intestines for storage and his ears for…..” that would be by far the most boring thing I’ve ever written or anyone has read.

if feels like we're nearing some sort of climax or at least coming closer to a few realizations on Tara's part.

Very much so. You make an interesting point about that paragraph. Yes, it is filled with I statements but I think that underscores that we still only know that Tara tells us and she only tells us what she want and what she perceives rather than the “truth” necessarily.

Thanks so much.

ZenMe – Hi and welcome! Thanks for your comments and support.

Second Fig – Hello. I feel like I haven’t seen as much fb from you so I was thrilled to see your name again. Tee hee to numbering things with letters. I do that all the time.

Number A, I like that you have moved Tara and Dani’s location in the story I believe that it gives their actions an independence that they did not have before and they are far enough away where the influences of Tara’s father is minimal, her actions are her own, not a reaction to society’s expectations.

Yes and that’s a big part of my reason for doing it. I also wanted them to have to rely on each other or their development rather than allowing them to develop through their relationships with others. In this situation there is really no one who can greatly influence them (with the exception of Giles and Willow sharing their intellect).

Number B, Their relationship, perhaps you don’t put a lot of dialog in the story for a reason…

Mostly because it’s quite hard to write in first person and because I find it to be inherently unreliable when a narrator is quoting dialog to the reader. I mean do we really memorize entire conversations?

… but it seems like a good bit of the relationship is built up in Tara’s own mind, she is constructing her own interpretation of reality without truly taking into consideration other people.

Yes, yes, and if I didn’t mention it, yes! Most of this story happens in her own mind and she is moving through a number of developmental levels and approaches throughout the narrative. In each she is “too” something: too young, too sheltered, too privileged, too dreamy, too harsh—too something.

What does “I love you” mean to Dani? I don't expect an answer but her story I believe would be very interesting to read...

No doubt. I will say this: my current plan is that the sequel will be narrated by Dani and while it won’t be a retelling of this tale, she will reference events from this story with appropriate amusement or horror.

Yes, Tara is quite genuinely remorseful. Yes to yuck = Lord Finn.

I anxiously wait for your next chapter of DOOM!

Working on it but slowly! Thanks.

[Alcy]

Hi Debra, I think it’s high time I managed to get myself up to date with Waiting for Dani so after chopping firewood all morning, with my fingers covered in blisters, I have sat myself down for a pleasant afternoon reading.

What a magical world you’ve created in this fic, it was wonderful to loose myself in both the detail of the surroundings and the lyrical way in which it unfolds on the screen/page. I am thoroughly enjoying the class conflict this fic sets up, with such a traditional and ensconced hierarchy within this society it makes for a rich environment for such a discussion to take place. It is made even more meaningful when the subjects at the heart of this are two characters whom I am used to reading as equals. I don’t think I’ve read another fic where the social imbalance between Dani/Willow and Tara is as great. In reading this fic I feel as if their relationship is at an entirely different level, in terms of belonging together and knowing each other. You deal with it in a fascinating manner from Tara’s perspective which I find very easy to read.

There have been moments of amusement, sweetness and incredible hotness (as one would expect with your writing!) and moments of pain. We come to Chapter 13, and rather than reiterate the comments of Kittens far more analytically talented than myself I’ll just say I’m really looking forward to some exposition in order to understand how Tara’s present situation has come about. Her anguish comes across so well and while I certainly don’t like suffering (unless it’s somebody nasty and evil) it seems a necessary element of the final half of the story. I couldn’t begin to describe how awful Tara’s revelation would have felt, and I think the chapters dealing with this will be difficult to write?

After all that, I do feel I’ve cheated you a little in not providing detailed feedback for each fantastic chapter, but I hope now that I’m up to date I can join in the discussions with other Kittens after each chapter. I’m very much looking forward to doing so.

[watty]

This feels like we're coming up to the last Act of a play, and the past that Tara has been narrating, will soon fold into the present. Lovely tone throughout, btw. I get the feeling that Tara by telling us the story, Tara is reliving some horrible relevation that changes her perspective completely. I mean, previously it's been all my girl this, my love that, and how much their relationship blossomed and it was

as if each moment with Dani was an expression of every good part of [Tara's] very soul.

So much so that they're going to be discovered any minute. And all of a sudden everything changed to taking advantage and how Tara

used her over and over and never saw the evil of my ways

and, here's the word, abuse. If we weren't privy to the beginning of this narration (not the story, the sequence Tara is telling us) it would take us completely, utterly by surprise. I also get a feeling that there's a sense of urgency, that she must finish this narration before some occurrence ... not merely of Dani returning, but some growth, absolution, inner realization type of event.

Sorry about the brief fb. RL is becoming horrendous. I'll tell you separately but I'll try to keep up ... I want to, I need to keep up. This story is too powerful, too emotionally impactful (hee, didn't we have a discussion ages ago about whether "impactful" is a word?) to not read. Thank you.
[br]

[grimlock72]

.... sneaking in much much too late....

I see even in this story Anya and Dani are still at odds, heh.. good one.

The Tara in the 'now' appears to switch betwee either loathing herself and thinking all is perfect. She doesn't seem to understand there's a truckload of position between those two opposites?(did that make sense?) Besides, loathing yourself for whatever you did wont solve the problem or make it go away.

How come Dani didn't catch Tara when she fainted while igniting the burial pyre? I figured Dani would have picked up on that quicker. Sort of surprised me.

Tara-now says she 'abused' Dani, but that's highly subjective since we lack a lot of information. As such Tara won't ever get a truthfull answer about whatever happened. The only way to do that is to 'free' Dani from her bounds and THEN ask her again... takes a lot of courage though. We may not know Dani's feelings for Tara but we do know Tara's.... For some reason this makes me think of a song by Sting. Interesting line from that one: "Tied up in chains you just can't see"

Speaking of which, did I read Emms saying something about Dani starting the relation?? Ah here:

and that was before she was even bound to Tara and she still had her own free will.

The trouble with that is the concept of 'free will' in someone who has basically been raised all her life to be servant. Specifically a servant to Tara. Does Dani even know free will, doing things without taking Tara into consideration?? I tend to view the sex-scene after Tara has been marked more as Dani's way to comfort Tara (should work mighty fine .

At times indeed Dani seems to good for Tara. Could have something to do with the narrator of this story (grin). Also Dani hardly ever asks for anything from Tara, so there is not much Tara can do for Dani in return.

It's good to read about Dani discussing stuff with Giles. That's recreation for Dani, so that's good. Anything outside the confines of Estate life would probably be good for both Dani and Tara, but with Dani I get the feeling that her life could be much richer without those confines. Tara, not so much.. she does fine within the Estate. I don't nessecarely want Dani to run away, but I do want her to be able to choose her options in life.
(not specifically love/sex related, but overall)

It is a good thing that Tara now at least knows and accepts what power she held over Dani. How she used that power and if that qualifies as abuse, is something we simply cannot determine at this time. Nor can Tara btw. She's rather quick to blame herself (lord, or lady, knows for WHAT though). Could be a pour-out of piled-up guilt feelings, at least 5 years worth available

[JustSkipIt]

Alcy –

Hi Debra, I think it’s high time I managed to get myself up to date with Waiting for Dani so after chopping firewood all morning, with my fingers covered in blisters, I have sat myself down for a pleasant afternoon reading.

Ok. True confessions time. I’ve been totally trying to figure out if you don’t like my writing or what. I was ok with the idea that you never feedback because I just thought you must not read ff much (in spite of writing some awesome ff). Then I saw comments to Reunion. Ok. Then to I think Lamplight and maybe to Rosenberg Files and I was totally like, “uh. Ok?” So I was very excited (in a way too insecure way) about seeing your name on the thread the other day. But also, sorry to hear about the blisters. Sounds like a very good workout. But now, on to your feedback.

Thanks re: magical world. I’ve really enjoyed it and it’s fun and at the same time very challenging. Fun because there are no limits and challenging because there are certainly aspects that I did not plan out and then a reader asks a question and I have to really sit and think about whether that would be true, might be true, etc. Tee hee: I just had a very funny mental image of G-d (like he looks in the Michelangelo painting (Sistine Chapel)) looking around and kind of smacking his forehead (a la “I could have had a V-8) “what will they do with belly button fuzz…?” “Well, it seemed like an appendix would be useful…”

I am thoroughly enjoying the class conflict this fic sets up, with such a traditional and ensconced hierarchy within this society it makes for a rich environment for such a discussion to take place.

Thanks. I’ll admit that part of what I have to say here is a little influenced by Jane Austen or even Pygmalion in terms of the way that the women of a the leisure/noble class are basically trapped. I think that Austen is amazing at communicating the way that they have no choices although they seem to be privileged. To me, Tara is very much in that position and to some extent Faith is too. Anne would be in that position if she wished to have anything different. But Tara, while she had position and rank and wealth, doesn’t truly have the freedom to pursue the life she would like with Willow. Now the question is, how can she get it?

It is made even more meaningful when the subjects at the heart of this are two characters whom I am used to reading as equals. I don’t think I’ve read another fic where the social imbalance between Dani/Willow and Tara is as great.

What an interesting point about other ff and our preconceived notions and what we’re used to. Certainly my favorite fics are those in which T/W are relative equals. I’ve read some where W is socially and financially T’s superior and I always feel like it makes for some level of intentional stress. But here I wanted to exaggerate it as it would have to be.

I’m glad that you enjoy reading Tara’s perspective. It’s an interesting writing exercise and there is a lot to keep track of. I want to portray her as a narrator who is experienced in the oral storytelling tradition but who is unreliable. And why is she unreliable? Because she’s a human with foibles and doubts and insecurities. And because all of us have things that we don’t know and things that we don’t know that we don’t know. She has both and that’s really her “downfall.”

There have been moments of amusement, sweetness and incredible hotness (as one would expect with your writing!) and moments of pain.

Thank you so much.

… I’ll just say I’m really looking forward to some exposition in order to understand how Tara’s present situation has come about. Her anguish comes across so well and while I certainly don’t like suffering (unless it’s somebody nasty and evil) it seems a necessary element of the final half of the story. I couldn’t begin to describe how awful Tara’s revelation would have felt, and I think the chapters dealing with this will be difficult to write?

Yes, there will be exposition in the next update and even more in the one after that. (I think 14 & 15 but maybe 15 & 16?). I love that you say that you can’t describe how awful Tara’s revelation would feel because it says to me that you get it. Yes, it would be horrifying!

After all that, I do feel I’ve cheated you a little in not providing detailed feedback for each fantastic chapter, but I hope now that I’m up to date I can join in the discussions with other Kittens after each chapter. I’m very much looking forward to doing so.

Well me too. Like I said, I was mainly wondering why you weren’t reading but to find out that you’ve read it at a go kind of lets me go “phew!” And yes, now you can join the fun…

Thanks so much.

watty – Hello there. I think that the last Act is a very good description. Honestly there is not much more here—probably four updates. It feels very short to me and I only hope that it fulfills and answers the questions everyone has.

Thanks for the thoughts re: tone. Yes, Tara’s perspective has undergone a tremendous change as she has told the story. Understand that her perspective at the beginning of the night was the same as it is now but she has been modulating it throughout to maintain her narrative flow and tone.

I mean, previously it's been all my girl this, my love that, and how much their relationship blossomed and it was
Quote:
as if each moment with Dani was an expression of every good part of [Tara's] very soul.

So much so that they're going to be discovered any minute. And all of a sudden everything changed to taking advantage and how Tara
Quote:
used her over and over and never saw the evil of my ways

and, here's the word, abuse. If we weren't privy to the beginning of this narration (not the story, the sequence Tara is telling us) it would take us completely, utterly by surprise.

Yes, exactly. I actually think that Tara is very conflicted in expressing those two attitudes at the same time. On one hand she absolutely loves Dani very much and very passionately but on the other she has “realized” what she has done and feels just awful about it. So she is having trouble expressing the other part of the thing. Does that make sense?

I also get a feeling that there's a sense of urgency, that she must finish this narration before some occurrence ... not merely of Dani returning, but some growth, absolution, inner realization type of event.

Ah. An excellent observation. I will admit that in my mind and in the planning of my story, my intention has been that she wants to complete her narration before the sun rises. She took to the chair in the dark and in traditional depressed/mopey/feeling sorry and guilt technique has determined that she will continue to sit there until the sun rises. Keep in mind that her life is governed by Nature’s patterns in that not only is she living in an agrarian life/culture but she is a witch. To her the rising and setting of the sun is everything. That said, if Dani is to return she will do so after sun up at the very earliest. Yes, it could be days or weeks or years but it will not be before the sun rises. I hope that it’s believable and reasonable rather than just being my invention. You know?

Yes, got your note about RL. Sounds very complicated and hard. I know what I would root for but it’s not my situation. You know? I hope things get better, RL-wise. Thanks for taking the time to feedback; it means a lot to me.

Grimmy – Don’t worry about the lateness. I haven’t updated yet so I don’t even think you’re late but even if you were, that’s ok too.

The Tara in the 'now' appears to switch betwee either loathing herself and thinking all is perfect. She doesn't seem to understand there's a truckload of position between those two opposites?(did that make sense?) Besides, loathing yourself for whatever you did wont solve the problem or make it go away.

Yes, an excellent point. I think that part of it is that she’s stretching out the narrative and moving through her phases in relation to her story. So in the beginning everything was love and light and she sounded like that but now things are getting darker and harder and she’s sounding more like that. And part of it is actually that it’s getting darker. It’s now about 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and she’s been sitting at that window getting more and more upset and depressed as she sits and thinks and tells her story.

How come Dani didn't catch Tara when she fainted while igniting the burial pyre? I figured Dani would have picked up on that quicker. Sort of surprised me.

Excellent question and one that I, very honestly, didn’t consider. I was just going with basic strength: that Stefan caught her because he is very strong and noble. Also that it shows his devotion to Tara that he could react that quickly to her needs.

Tara-now says she 'abused' Dani, but that's highly subjective since we lack a lot of information.

Absolutely.

As such Tara won't ever get a truthfull answer about whatever happened. The only way to do that is to 'free' Dani from her bounds and THEN ask her again... takes a lot of courage though.

Oh yeah. Can you imagine being in that position? I mean if she’s right that she abused Dani and she frees her, Dani will leave (we assume) and Tara will have nothing. True, if she believes that she has taken advantage of Dani, she has nothing now but she wouldn’t be the first “abuser” to believe that keeping your partner with you against his/her will is better than being left. (Certainly, I can remember one instance of Willow making that exact choice)(hmmmmm…..).

I’ll have to go listen to that song. I’m at work right now so I can’t but I will.

Speaking of which, did I read Emms saying something about Dani starting the relation?? Ah here:
Quote:
and that was before she was even bound to Tara and she still had her own free will.

The trouble with that is the concept of 'free will' in someone who has basically been raised all her life to be servant. Specifically a servant to Tara. Does Dani even know free will, doing things without taking Tara into consideration?? I tend to view the sex-scene after Tara has been marked more as Dani's way to comfort Tara (should work mighty fine wink.

Again, that’s the issue with that scene. It all depends on Dani’s motivation (which to give Tara a lot of credit, she did try to determine before initiating on her own). So it’s a big question mark.

I agree that the narrator is extremely biased to depict Dani in only a positive light. But also I think that there’s a lot to Dani’s perfection. She has been bred and trained to be so. What would the average relationship be like if there was virtually no moping? No arguing? No jealousness? That’s how Dani has been trained to be. She is absolutely everything that Tara wants and doesn’t know she wants to the core of her being. There is never a time that Tara wants to make love or go for a ride or read a book that Dani doesn’t want to. She completely channels Tara’s wishes. So of course she seems perfect to Tara. In the sequel we’ll find out a bit more about Dani and find out what she thinks of Tara.

Yes, Dani is enjoying the intellectual stimulation that Giles presents.

… but with Dani I get the feeling that her life could be much richer without those confines. Tara, not so much.. she does fine within the Estate. I don't nessecarely want Dani to run away, but I do want her to be able to choose her options in life.

That’s a very interesting point and at the same time, I would wonder what you think her options may be. She’s a woman so some professions are limited and she has limited references to be anything but a bound servant. I can think of two positions she could take if the employers wished but beyond that? And Tara? She could be an artist if her Ladyship was not a “paying gig” but she is kind of bound to the Estate.

It is a good thing that Tara now at least knows and accepts what power she held over Dani. How she used that power and if that qualifies as abuse, is something we simply cannot determine at this time. Nor can Tara btw.

Oh yes, yes, yes. Now she has to either find out or put an end to it but which will it be?

Thanks so much.

[grimlock72]

I’ll have to go listen to that song. I’m at work right now so I can’t but I will.

Link is to the lyrics, not the song itself (can up probably find it online for you if need be)

… but with Dani I get the feeling that her life could be much richer without those confines. Tara, not so much.. she does fine within the Estate.

That’s a very interesting point and at the same time, I would wonder what you think her options may be.

I know that Dani has a lot of things she can do while being a bound servant to Tara. It's just the nagging feeling that because she IS bound, she will by definition be better off, UNbound. It's mostly gut-feeling since in the society Tara & Dani live in the previous statement doesn't have to be true at all. It's just the general feeling I get that being 'bound' is holding Dani back somehow.

[JustSkipIt]

Grimmy – Ah, that song. Of course. Cam referenced the saying also and it’s quite apt.

I know that Dani has a lot of things she can do while being a bound servant to Tara. It's just the nagging feeling that because she IS bound, she will by definition be better off, UNbound. It's mostly gut-feeling since in the society Tara & Dani live in the previous statement doesn't have to be true at all. It's just the general feeling I get that being 'bound' is holding Dani back somehow.

I totally get what you’re saying and I can’t really say a lot more without spoiling some things but let’s just say that everything may not be as easy for a free woman as we hope…

Sorry for the cryptic.

And on to…


[center][/center]


Story Title – Waiting for Dani

Chapter – 14 – Negotiations

Author – JustSkipIt

Pairing – Peanut butter and jelly, burgers and fries, Love and Marriage. Ok, just seeing if you were paying attention. W/T

Feedback – Yes, please

Spoilers – None

Rating – R/NC-17?

Disclaimer – Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own Willow and Tara and the Buffyverse. I’m not saying this universe is totally original but I didn’t steal it from any author or creator that I know of. No copyright infringement is meant by this fic and I will not make any money from it.

Additional and permanent disclaimer – Yadda yadda. Yadda Yadda. Not comfortable. Power imbalance. Etc.


That visit was not unexpected. In fact, it was the most distant thing from unexpected. It was preceded by a formal letter from my father, a less formal one from Anne, a very formal one from Lady Finn, and servants and gifts from the Finn Estate. The Finn Estate requested my audience on a “matter involving the future and fortunes of our two exalted and noble houses.” In other words, Master Riley wanted to marry Miss Anne.

My father’s letter, as I said, was highly formal. He was respectful and let me know that he approved of the marriage while also letting me know that it was entirely mine to approve or refuse. Had the Finns no standing Lady or even a Lady with no magic, it is possible that the two Lords could have negotiated the marriage but given our standing as magic users (she third generation and myself fourth), it would fall to us to decide and arrange the marriage.

Anne’s letter? Her writing had improved greatly given her years of studying toward the bar (an examination she intended to sit in the next six moons). Still, it was littered with references to Riley’s greatness, his intelligence, his humor, his good looks, his manly-manlieness. I remembered him as a bore but my sister loved him dearly and the match was a good one politically. It was particularly fortunate for our family given that I had no intention of marrying – an issue pressed in Anne’s letter but not my father’s.

Lady Finn’s missive was delivered by not one but three messengers who also brought a gift of two horses, two barrels of ale, and yards of silk. Their intention of impressing us was lost on no one and I answered quite formally naming a date for their visit. We then leapt into a frenzy of cleaning not seen before nor since. We knew not how many guests they would bring but prepared every room in the castle in case the entire Estate came (as was likely). Stefan stepped up his hunting efforts and we slaughtered goats, sheep, and cows to prepare for the feasts. We did not raise pigs, partially because Dani did not appreciate the meat so we left those off the menu.

Thankfully, Faith and Dawn arrived in response to my repeated and open-ended requests for their presence days after I replied to Lady Finn. I could scarcely have been happier to see the Creator herself than my youngest sister. I don’t delude myself that she came only for me as Stefan and she were quite inseparable but she was an untold help in every task until the visit and I find myself tearing up at the memory of her coming to my aid when I needed it.

In the meanwhile, my stomach hurt with thoughts that again Lord Finn would be near my girl. I doubted he would attempt marks-rights while his wife negotiated a marriage between our families but I strongly considered sending Faith and Dani to buy horses for the bulk of the visit nonetheless. When I mentioned the idea to Faith she looked at me sideways, pursed her lips, and answered that we needed no horses. When I mentioned it to Dani… she left the room without answer. It was the first time she had ever done such a thing and part of me wanted to follow her to ask why she was so mad but the other was too shocked at her departure to react.

That night after dinner Faith and I were engaged in a game of Chest when she mentioned her eventual marriage to Stefan. It began with her asking if I could approve their marriage at the same time and save us all the trouble. I teased her that it didn’t seem that the Finns would be bringing payment for two brides: only one. She scoffed at the implication and said that her payment would be much lower than Anne’s to which I took her hands in my own and softly kissed the palms as I told her that her first daughter would be a magic user just as much as Anne’s.

“But Anne’s first daughter will be a Lady.”

I laughed out loud. “You could marry Riley. He’s very funny and smart and have you noticed how manly he is?”

Faith laughed as well. “Oh yes. That’s what this visit is about. Riley wants to marry me and his family is bringing pigs and chickens and ale and horses to bribe your decision.”

“Or he’s coming to ask for my hand.” I held my marks out and traced the back of my hand as if referencing marriage marks.

Faith looked across the room. “What of you, my lovely sister and Lady. Will you marry?”

I followed her eyes to where she gazed across the room at Giles and Dani bent over a book on astronomy. For a moment my throat felt tight and I thought to speak the truth. To tell Faith that I loved Dani dearly and would never marry but I could not do it, even for my sister. “I can not afford courting time.”

My sister never took her eyes off my lover. “Of course, My Lady.”

Did Faith know something? And what did she know? Why did she not tell me? Warn me? If I saw her doing something so abhorrent, so wrong I would tell her. I would warn her. I would…

Or would I? I say that I would tell her, would stop her but I am speaking from my experience as her Lady. She can only come at the thing from her experience as my younger sister and not a Lady so I can’t say what I would do in her place.

As the Finn visit closed in on us, I became more and more possessive of my girl. My wanting her, that was a norm. I always wanted her and she was used to my needs and wants but this was an even stronger need. We made love. Made love. I can’t believe I use that term even. But I thought it was and so I will. We made love morning and night for days—her need for me seeming as insatiable as my own for her. I no more than entered the room at night or stirred in the morning and she was upon me, her hands pulling me toward the bed and stripping my clothes from my body in a practiced ease that I would never equal. And we were never so gloriously connected as that last few weeks before the visit. Our bodies fit perfectly and I could feel her thoughts and feelings as we moved together.

One unfortunate aspect of the visit was Dani and I had to cease our magical practice in preparation for Lady Finn’s arrival. With no other magic users for leagues, we had gotten into the wonderful habit of performing magic together nearly every day. Some days it was a simple spell such as floating a rose and guiding it with our minds (quite child play for both of us), others it was working together to bring rain to parts of the land which most needed it or to hold posts level while riding and repairing fence. Nothing made me happier than to see my girl getting to express her own power through her magic. But with Lady Finn arriving, and certainly given that my visitor and I would be performing magic together, she would be able to pick up the additional magical signature.

By the day before the Finn arrival, our Estate positively shone in comparison to our arrival a mere two years earlier. I approached Master Stefan early in the day in private to let him know that he was welcome to ride out to join his former Estate and arrive in their processional. He thanked me for my consideration and informed me that he felt more at home and of use in my employ and would proudly represent the Maclay Estate for as long as we wished to have him. The interchange brought tears to both of our eyes and a rare hug between us. As I pulled away I whispered in his ear that I was ready to approve his marriage to Faith at his request and he smiled, giving only the slightest nod to acknowledge this informal and mildly inappropriate comment.

Having worked so hard to get ready, our staff deserved a break and I attempted to give it to them. Mid-morning, Dani and I circulated telling everyone to take the day off, doing only what was absolutely necessary and urgent for the visit. This instruction left only Briena with many tasks and Dani and I pitched in to help her as we could. While helping in the kitchen is far from my ideal day, it gave me the opportunity to get to know this quiet girl better. She had been quite committed to the reading lessons and asked us both questions throughout the day from the book she read as she stirred. Later in the day I asked Dani to ensure that Briena received a gift, perhaps a few books of her own, to express my gratitude for her hard work not only this month but since arriving and my girl assured me that she would take care of the matter after our guests left.

The following morning our entire Estate turned out in our finest dress to meet the Finn processional just inside our gates. Had we met them outside the gates, it would have been a sign that we distrusted them or welcomed them warily. Meeting them at the castle would have indicated a lack of interest on our part for the meeting and all spots between indicated our attitude toward the meeting. We amassed about 12 feet inside the gate to indicate our welcome and interest in their visit.

We were not great in number but I believe we looked a respectable Estate with myself, Dani, Fredrek, Faith, Dawn, Stefan, Jonah, Giles, and our other house bound servants. Those of us with marks on our hands extended them toward Lady Finn, Lord Finn, Master Riley, and our visitors approached with theirs similarly extended. Once they had crossed the threshold of our estate, I touched marks with Lady Finn before welcoming her. Then followed a long session of greetings between each noble member of each house and each noble member of the other including mark-bound servants. Many of the Finns we were well acquainted with but I had not met Stefan’s father nor Lady Finn’s two married sisters. The daughter of one of those sisters was a magic user so we would have three practioners for our investigation.

Next came the gifts. We had prepared tokens to welcome our guests including fabrics, needlework, and carvings (most created by Xander). They, being in greater need of impressing us, brought gifts of livestock, wheat, ale, wine, fruit, and two bound-servants. I could not show my emotion but I contemplated how I would tell them that I would not accept the final gift. The Maclay family has long been opposed to exchanges of that sort and our preference is commonly known but the Finns obviously did not know this trait. It would fall to me to pass on this information without seeming disrespectful. I could feel Dani’s tensing as the servants’s names were not even mentioned and I can’t imagine that our other servants felt differently.

Having dismounted, I led Lady Finn to the area I had designated for our magical interaction. Faith and Lady Finn’s sisters drew the circle and we three practioners stepped inside. Without discussion we fell into an enjoyable and powerful display of magics with aspects from each of the elements. A slight part of my mind knew that the other members of my Estate were leading our guests to their rooms, stabling their horses, touring them through the library. Stefan I had asked to lead a hunting expedition and no doubt he had taken many of our visitors with him. But that was only a small portion of my mind. Most of my self was occupied fully with the creation of these powerful magics. Our display was both ceremonial and investigatory as we prodded to determine strengths and weaknesses in each other’s power. Neither Lady Finn or young Miss Turner could equal my power and precision but their powers were respectable. Lady Finn had an elegance to her execution that it seemed would interact quite well with Anne’s energy when she produced a daughter. By the time we completed our practice, dusk was in the sky. Dani as well as Lady Finn and Miss Turner’s bound servants were there to hand each of us a warm drink and lead us back to the Castle. We needed no words to express our satisfaction in what our investigations had revealed and we visited quite comfortably as we walked.

Having never moved from the room my lover had chosen for us that first day, I ensconced Lady Finn in the master suite and she was quite pleased by the accommodations. Lord Finn was on another hallway in a room nearly as elegant but with a more manly feel to it. As yet, I had not but exchanged the formal greetings with Lord Finn nor Riley. That was sure to change at dinner and my bathing and dressing ritual forced me to reset my thinking to allow me to effectively interact with them.

Dani looked stunning in a dark-blue gown and her brown riding boots which were polished to look like new. I wanted to undress her the moment she was dressed and told her as much. Her hands cupped my hips as she whispered that it seemed an excellent idea to her and some suggestions for what I might do once she was thus not arrayed. I was wearing, for the first time in my formal presentation, not a gown but brown leather trousers and an elaborately embroidered white shirt worn open at the neck and hanging loose around my waist. At first I hadn’t felt comfortable dressed so for such a meeting but Faith and Dani convinced me that it portrayed both my position and elegance and the activity of our life in working this Estate to bring it to the prestige it deserved. I will admit, quite shamefully, that I had been fully convinced of my appearance after my sister left us and Dani displayed the reaction she had to seeing me in my unusual shirt.

Per tradition, Dani and I arrived last to the banquet, allowing all others to be seated and watch for our arrival. We greeted them as we took our places at the head of the table. I have never enjoyed public speaking greatly but I do feel that I did my name and house proud with the welcome and blessing and I could detect no disappointment in my remarks. When I had finished my comments, Lady Finn took my cue and stood to deliver her own, expressing their joy to be visiting and her high hopes for the intertwined future of our fortunes. Lord Finn spoke next, delivering a similar speech and praising the game and the general condition of the Estate. It was apparent from his words that news of the previous condition of Maclay East had reached the Finns and that they were impressed with the reformation we had made in such a short time. I made a mental note to again reward those of our Estate for their hard work and results.

The meal was elegant and delicious. The Finn family cooks had joined my Briena in the kitchen and reports were that their work together was flawless. Everyone enjoyed the food and we had reports on the activities of all attendees. The hunt had gone well with Dawn and Stefan showing particular skill. Their respective ranks placed Faith and Stefan across the large table from each other and although no one mentioned it, their affection was apparent to all present. Negotiating their union would be enjoyable and easy.

If Faith’s reports were accurate, and I had no reason to doubt them, I would be negotiating Donnie’s union with Melissa within the twelve-month and I felt impressed enough by Lady Finn’s deportment to feel that I could copy her behaviors to some extent. Of course the Finns could offer Anne an eventual Ladyship when the current Lord and Lady had passed while Melissa would have no such offer unless I vacated my position which I was surely not going to do nor would I be asked. Fortunately, with four-marks she was ensured her own Ladyship upon her mother’s passing. Another difference in that event and this was that when we went to ride out for that negotiation, I would take with me my father, Donnie, Melanie, and T’solde at least not to mention the servants and gifts.

The meal went well with conversation ranging from reports of news and crop production to social events and gossip. Of both political news and social information, we were far more likely to be the recipient than the distributor but it was nice to hear reports. Later we had music but had not planned for dancing. Our guests and ourselves socialized, played games, or told stories and the atmosphere was quite relaxed. I noticed a few of the noble men leaving with servants or their own wives but for the most part our servants were left unmolested which was a relief to me and I can imagine to Lory and Merie as well for their relationship had become even more clear to me as time passed. As I had prepared no useless errands for my girl, Lord Finn’s decorum was a blessing.

The evening's socialization went quite late but that didn't decrease our ardor, my girl and I. If anything, fueled by my relief that no one would take advantage of my girl as well as her appearance and her by my dress, we nearly broke the bed. Let me correct that. We broke the bed. True it was only that a small piece of the headboard broke off in my hand, something that would not be noticed as it actually fit the pattern of the art, but you may well imagine how tightly I was grasping it to have broken it off. Or you may imagine what Dani was doing that was causing me to grip the slats so tightly. Embarrassment at the acts I have described rages within me and I can produce no further details.

When finally we lay fully spent and drifting into sleep I felt my lover's arms wrap so warmly around me and felt her lips gently kissing the top of my head. And it was then that I first heard the words I had dreamt of for so long. She whispered her love so quietly I would have missed if I had been five seconds closer to sleep. Then it would have just been the seed of the greatest dream of my life but said as it was, it filled my heart with joy. I turned sleepily to kiss her lips and repeat my love again and again as tears rolled down both of our faces. I can remember no more as sleep captured us both.

So I had my confession of love. The words I had desired for so long. Those I had requested hundreds, no thousands, of times. And part of me wants to believe them. Wants to believe that Dani loved me just as I wish I could believe that she wanted me. All those times. So many times. And that part of me, a part which grows smaller and weaker every minute which passes, sits here waiting for her to return to me.

The larger part of me? My growing torment tells me that Dani is, was, a well-trained servant. The most perfect of servants and that being that well trained, she knew what her Mistress wanted to feel and hear. I can not blame her for I don't accuse her of deciept, of trickery or manipulation. Rather, she could detect my longing for her (for who could not?) and gave in to that longing. I pulled those words from her lips as I pulled her dignity from her body.

Over and over.

I awoke early the next morning to find Dani gone from our rooms and myself wondering if I had dreamt her confession of love. I quickly went to freshen up and she came in before I could even put on the outfit she had laid out for me. I smiled as she walked through the door and she seemed as happy as I was. She verily bounded across the floor to kiss and hug me and twirled in a circle, displaying the small cherry tart she had obviously gotten from downstairs.

“Your predilection to charming the kitchen staff has never abated,” I teased with mock sternness. “What am I going to do with you?”

She put a bite of the morsel with amazingly flaky crust and tart fruit into my mouth as she laughed. “You have no one but yourself and your brother to blame for my evil ways.” She popped the last bite into her own mouth and then kissed me with fruit juice still on her lips.

I pulled her closer with my arms around her lower back and began to kiss her neck as I responded. “Maybe I like your evil ways…”

“You certainly liked them last night, or should I say this morning, My Lady.” She whispered a few details of the night before in my ear and I coughed in shock. Sometimes the words that came from my girl’s beautiful mouth were enough to make my eyes nearly pop out of my head. Yes, I was used to doing the things she described, but the language was quite risqué and I wondered if this was how the servants spoke among themselves. Certainly, she knew words that I had never heard from anyone else and occasionally she made suggestions I had never even considered, which is not to say that those suggestions weren’t greatly appreciated in almost all cases.

I grasped her cheeks and kissed her deeply before releasing her. “I would much rather stay here and listen to your colorful speech but we must greet our guests and plan a wedding.”

My girl bowed playfully as if she were being sent to work. “Breakfast is on the sideboard and Master Riley looks as if he would like to corner you to discuss dancing.”

I rolled my eyes at the thought. Thank the Creator Anne would be marrying him rather than myself. Even the few snippets of conversation I had heard from him confirmed my suspicions that he was the world’s dullest man, four marks or no. I would have rather had Dani read me recipes from a faded cookbook than he bring me a live tiger for a pet. I dressed, again in fine riding clothes rather than ball dress, and descended the stairs. The menu offered abundant fruit and breads as well as breakfast meat and cheeses and I loaded up on the fruit and bread with a glass of milk. As Dani had informed me, Riley waited near my table head and I could do nothing but take my seat and listen to his drivel until Lady and Lord Finn arrived—separately of course. Given the distance they kept it was a wonder they had managed to produce Riley and his two younger brothers and no wonder that they had not continued trying until they produced a future Lady.

Oh, I turn snide as I move through my story do I not? Perhaps when I rise from this chair I will begin to pack Dani’s clothes so that at least she will have something to change into today. The rest can wait but I can hardly deny her a change of clothes can I?

Following breakfast the groups again set about to explore the Estate, do their responsibilities, or engage in unorganized competitions and games. This was not a celebration as our marking had been so we were not responsible for scheduling the time. We had sufficiently impressed those present and our toasts at dinner the night before confirmed our intentions. Today would come the planning and negotiations.

Lady Finn, Lord Finn, their servants, myself, and Dani retired to the library where we would not be disturbed. Any needs for food or drink would be handled by our marked-servants and I saw that Dani had already set up a table with ale, wine, and kaffee as well as fruits and rolls. She was our chief scribe as we made plans. Given that both our Estates needed to harvest and process our crops we determined November 6th as the best day for the union. We would be finished with our work and the date would allow myself and my accompaniment to join Maclay Main for our journey to the wedding. In our society, it is traditional for the more highly ranked partner’s family to host the wedding. In the case of equal ranks, the groom’s family hosts. With Estate ranks and respect roughly equal, they would host the wedding. From my Estate I would estimate the journey at about a day and a half and from Maclay Main just at a day.

Although they were hosts and responsible for the entertainment, accommodations, and presentation, we needed to contribute our share for the extravaganza. As Dani calculated the needs of the party, we agreed to supply the Finn Estate with four cows, twelve goats, 50 chickens, four barrels of wine (proudly supplied by Maclay East), bushels of wheat, and countless more. I will not bore you with lists and more lists but suffice it to say that we would respectably and impressively make our contributions.

Next, Lady Finn’s woman began the list of invitations. Our initial list held the names of over eight hundred guests and we agreed to pare that down. By mid-afternoon we had narrowed that list to between 450 and 500 guests. T’dre is, without compare as a marks-artist and I assured them that she would commit the marks. When asked if I would be assisting her, I responded that I intended to perform my art at whatever level T’dre felt I was now worthy and Lady Finn flattered me that my work was impressive and she would b proud for me to perform the marks. I knew that T’dre would at least want me to set Delia and Riley’s servant’s marks.

By dinner time we had settled most of the matters regarding the union, made two copies, signed them, and embossed them with our family crests. As we left to prepare for our meal, I motioned to Lady Finn that I would appreciate her attention for another moment.

“Lady Maclay?”

“Lady Finn, I will not keep you long from our delicious dinner.”

She nodded. “Your cooks make quite exquisite delights.”

“As do yours.”

She waited and it was obvious to both of us that I must speak. “You honor us with the gifts to our Estate and we appreciate them.” I thought I might stutter but I did not and I took a deep breath. “But the final gift, the servants, we can not accept.”

Lady Finn studied me for a moment as if to determine my attitude. Then she smiled broadly. “Well done, Lady Maclay. Evan and Augusta would have been well served in your employ.”

For a moment, I felt anger at having been tested so but I could appreciate the effort and smiled in return before motioning toward the door.

Following the meal, I stood and raised my wine glass, waiting for all present to do the same. “My father’s love for my mother was legendary…” I told an abbreviated story of my parent’s story before expressing my wish that Riley and Anne’s love always be as pure and strong.

--

Our guests left the next day by noon as did the messenger who would carry the news of our arrangements to Maclay Main where I knew Anne waited eagerly. She would have had to know that I would approve the match both for political reasons and because I had been raised to honor love so. I would never deny my sibling love nor position.

Over the next six months we continued to elevate the fortunes of our emerging land. Our harvests were greater still than prior. We no longer needed the villagers to share in our crops but we had found this practice to be one which greatly benefited our people while still benefiting our Estate so we continued it. Our wine production improved and constant work on the fruit trees was paying off in greatly increased harvests of peaches, apricots, berries, and apples to name a few. My father wrote again and again to express his pride and joy in our success running the land.

Zhorro’s fourth litter produced seven pups and Dani took it upon herself to give them to the children of the village rather than selling them as hunting dogs. I found her choice to be as endearing as it was generous.

In the meantime, I corresponded constantly with the Finn estate as well as our own. Many matters required my personal attention while others could be handled by Anne or Melanie. We received weekly reports on the responses to invitations and the accommodations arranged for attendees. By early October the wedding was sure to host 17 Lords or Ladies and 19 magic practitioners. It was likely that both numbers would increase in the coming weeks. Not only were all five-mark nobles who had attended my marks celebration coming, but the Finns had an additional range of acquaintance to invite and many of these had responded in the affirmative. Maclay Main sent most of the livestock gifts while we sent the wine from our first year.

Even without the wedding arrangements, harvest was an exhausting process. Rarely did we stay late in the parlor to play games or read. Everyone went to bed shortly after dinner, looking as if we might drop if we did not move quickly enough. Even Dani and my love making was reduced as we were both simply to tired some nights. Regardless, we always held each other tightly and this was at times almost as good to me.

By the middle of October I knew that I needed to speak to Dani regarding the wedding. We closed the door to our room and embraced quickly but I pulled away, aware that Dani regarded me curiously. “I need to speak to you, my love.” Dani watched me closely before taking a seat on the edge of the bed. For a moment I thought she would return to her ancient habit of kneeling but it had been literally years since she had done so in anything but jest or passion. I chewed on my fingernail for a moment. “I… I have made a decision.”

“Yes, My Lady?”

“I need you to stay here and run the Estate in my absence.” I waited. “Giles is a worthy Steward and Fredrek is quite an able man but I need you here to carry out my wishes.”

Dani stood and took a few steps across the room. Then she turned and retraced her steps. She did this four times before stopping in front of me. “Please don’t do this, My Lady.”

I brushed a lock of hair from her face to place it behind her ear. “You are far too valuable to attend this event.” Tears threatened the corners of my eyes and I blinked to hold them back.

Dani bit at her lip before speaking. “My Lady, my value is the exact reason that you must take me.”

Politically she was right. Her presence and deportment always increased my standing as her superiority was well known. Our time on Maclay East had only grown her beauty and the strength of her body as well as her wealth. She had not lost a game of strategy in over four years and her hunting skills were without weakness. Even so, how could I take her to the wedding? It would be attended by, at current count, 11 Lords. I felt sure that Lord Finn would consider he had waited long enough and others had not even met my beautiful girl. I could not possibly keep her safe. I touched her cheeks as I felt tears start to pool in my eyes. “Please do this for me, my love.” My voice broke as I spoke and she embraced me fiercely.

I attempted to speak again through my tears but she placed her fingertips against my lips and pulled me toward the bed. “Here all is truth,” she whispered and then I was in that space. That magical space and time where planning and politics and fear were nothing and Dani was everything. Just Dani and the feel of her skin everywhere. And everywhere. And everywhere.

Later, I don’t know how much later, we lay in the bed in a kind of spent stupor. Dani lifted herself up onto on elbow and continued tracing my skin with her fingertips. “Tara, if I ask you only one question will you tell me the truth?”

I took her hand and gently kissed the palm. “Anything, my love. Anything.”

She took a breath and looked away. When she spoke her voice sounded small and scared and her question shocked me for I had not even considered such a suggestion. “Will you meet your husband at this wedding?” I sat up quickly and grasped her wrists in my hands but I could not find the words to answer her question. In truth, I was so busy wanting to keep her from the wedding that I had not even considered my future.

“No. I will not.”

She rolled over and pulled my arms to wrap around her body. “I know what you must do, My Lady, but I do not want us to have a husband.” I attempted to soothe and shush her but she had started crying as I had never seen, even the night of her marks. I could not make out everything she said but bits and pieces were clear. She cried that losing your will was the worst thing that could happen. That to give up her body would break her soul again and again. I rocked her and rocked her as she fell into an exhausted sleep.

Again I must admit to my own shame that I had never considered this possibility and the effect it would have on my girl. While I had vowed to myself that I would never take a husband, she did not know this fact. And she was quite perceptive in understanding what it would mean to her for me to take a husband. Surely, any man I married would have five-marks for I would never have been expected to marry less. And suppose that I took his marriage in order to bear my magic user. I feel nauseous to think of it but I would have … performed as I needed in order to bear my heirs and no more. I would never even spend the night with a husband and he would little miss me, given his choice of women happy to enjoy marks-rights with him. But Dani? How would I keep him from enjoying those rights with her. With my girl? We would have no defense against him.

And to use her words it would break her soul again and again.

Again and again.

Oh Creator! Why did it take me so long to understand her words? Still I did not listen. Still I could not hear her. For three years I took her will. I broke her soul again and again and still I did not see.

I endeavored to wake before my girl and the first words I said to her were my vow, my promise which I made on my mother’s memory and my very title that I would never take a husband. And my girl, of course, attempted to soothe me. She said that I should not be so hasty and that we did not know what the future would bring. Her eyes when she mentioned the future were so sad that I thought for a moment we would both fall into the abyss and never be found but she looked away and seemed to shake the mood. Then she slid from the bed and onto the floor to kneel, a position which I mirrored, so unwilling to was I to have her thus, and repeated that I must do what I must and that she was my servant always. That my wishes were hers always. I kissed her over and over and we stayed long enough in our room that Briena knocked on the door at mid-morning to ask if we were in need of anything.

Over the next two weeks, my girl’s mood was dark. Oh she still performed her duties greater than any other servant could, but she was saddened and I hated to see it. When she could find an inroads in our private conversation, she again asked me, begged me to take her with me to the wedding. She wept and pleaded that she did not want to be so far from me for so long, that she loved me and was worried what might happen to me without her protection. Her mood she hid from those around us so that no one suspected the pain I inflicted on her but I could see it daily and I attempted to comfort her as I could.

I feel sick to think of it now. She told me so clearly how I had taken and hurt her and I comforted her with a repeat of these unspeakable acts.

And yet.

And yet, I sit here confused and conflicted. This is the first time I have gone through our entire story from the beginning and I can see evidence from both sides. Years ago I knew without doubt and without reservation that my girl loved me as I do her. Her actions, her words, support this hope. But the converse of that interpretation is clearly more reasonable: that Dani, led only by my perverse wishes and her binding fulfilled my wants as she would any order. That she did these things, said these words, to satisfy me, regardless of her own wishes. And that she attempted to tell me, did she not, what this meant? But I did not listen at the time and by the time I did, I could hardly look at her.

What else can I say for now? Myself, Stefan, and Jonah left our Estate for Maclay Main the first Sunday in November. My girl rode with us until just after lunch, her fingertips sliding through mine as she turned for home and the sensation of her plea to return home to her quickly and safely tingling against my ear.

[JujuDeRoussie]

DIBS... reading now

Okay I just finished to read, I have plenty of things to tell... well not plenty but too much for now because it's very late and I'm sleepy... i'll edit later to write a proper feedback.

Hello here.

here goes my feedback

I hope you're not gonna take that wrong but it's getting a little long... I mean I was hoping to know what happened by now but no... But I can see it's nearer and nearer..

Willow's feelings are heartbreaking.... but it's a little strange... not strange but I can't find a word... anyway, what I mean is that she doesn't really tell what she's affraid of... if it's just that Tara's husband will have right mark on her, or if it's also Tara being with another person... if it's just the first or the both explanations...


Tara's is sorry for herself now and I don't know if it's not more unnerving than her being incouncious...

Anyway, it was a nice update, but I'm waiting for more, I mean I want to know what happened exactly!!! lol

Thank you

Julia