Title:
The Sidestep Chronicle – Second Chronicle - Growing Up (Part 183)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism is always welcome.
Katharynrosser1@hotmail.co.uk Flames just demonstrate you have a tiny mind.
Spoiler Warning: Pretty limited. The story occurs in an alternate universe as set up in “The Wish” though reference is made to events that occur in both realities. Nothing is referenced that occurs after S5 though. Guess why? Most “spoilers” would be for the first chronicle of this fic rather than the show and if you haven’t read that then much of this will make no sense but you can try and get round it by reading the preface to Part 104 which summarises most of what went before.
Distribution This story was written for Pens. Pens is its home. No archiving off Different Coloured Pens (This applies to all of the Sidestep Chronicle)
Summary:
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories. You know the drill.
Rating: R – a general rating for occasional content. Individual parts might be less than this level.
Couples: Tara and Willow forever – others couples as necessary but nothing unconventional.
Notes: How you liking your own, personal story Kerry? *S*
Thanks To: My own special woman Louise who helps me so much with this on top of everything else. Those other friends and family who’ve also helped us overcome everything that was put in my way. Celia and Kerry who shaped this story and continue to do so when I think back to what they told me in the past. Xita for keeping the story hanging around and continuing to give us TKTWATBW.
The Sidestep Chronicle – Second Chronicle
Growing Up
By
Katharyn Rosser
“So Rupert’s
still conscripting students to scan the library books for Jenny?” Tara asked Willow. She couldn’t believe that it was still going on. On the other hand the problem had always been it’d barely started before there was some reason to put it on hold again.
Lack of enthusiasm.
She couldn’t believe he’d let it get this far after he’d promised his wife it’d be done and dusted by the end of her maternity leave, ready for her to refine the reference database around it. With a book-lovers resistance to such things, he hadn’t even started the project until Ben had been about three months old.
And even then it’d been Willow who’d had to
remind him of his promise. Jenny had been too caught up with Ben to even remember.
Or at least to press him about it.
Tara thought she was just giving her husband enough rope to hang himself.
So long as it was done before she returned, she probably didn’t mind too much. But Tara wasn’t sure Rupert had taken into account just how much time scanning every page, of every book in the library was going to take him and his band of ‘volunteers.’
“Oh yeah, and not just students,” Willow replied. “He asked me about doing it for him too – at the weekend for a start.”
“This weekend?”
“Uhuh.”
No, Rupert wasn’t in favour of committing what he thought should be on paper to electronic formats. It didn’t matter what the reason was. And Tara could kind of appreciate what he was saying. Didn’t mean she’d stick up for him against Jenny and Willow though.
Rupert’s current eagerness wasn’t anything to do with enthusiasm, except enthusiasm for not missing the deadline he’d made the big promise to his wife about. She’d give birth and stay at home with the child they both wanted for a few months and all he had to have done was complete the project.
And help with a few diapers and feeds.
That’d been the deal.
Actually, from Jenny’s point of view he’d gotten her pregnant before she’d had chance to more than suggest the project to Bob Flutie and get the technology in place, and now he had to make sure it was finished before she got back. “You turned him down, right?” she checked with Willow.
“Absolutely – we have -”
They had plans, but it was the clutter of a pair of shoes falling into the hall closet that announced Toni’s return to the apartment and stopped her saying so. Those would be the shoes Toni had been wearing during the day and changed out of for training. Her running shoes would be treated a little more delicately.
Probably not dropped from a great height – as the others must have been to make so much noise every night.
Belatedly the front door closing heavily too.
Same as usual.
Toni being deaf worked both ways. Though, obviously, she couldn’t hear and they could make as much noise as they liked – say after being out hunting – it also meant that she didn’t appreciate how much noise she was making.
Toni might pick up on the vibrations, which gave her some clue if was
really loud, but obviously she couldn’t appreciate how much the sound of the door making that kind of noise could get to someone.
By the time Toni could feel vibrations it was way
too loud.
The Goddess help the people who lived below them.
“We’ll have to say something,” Willow told her, with resolve that probably came from knowing she wouldn’t be the one doing the talking.
“On the plus side we always know she’s home, and the door
is awkward,” Tara said.
It was true. With that door you either closed it just so, or it would bang really, really hard. Toni didn’t seem to bother with ‘just so,’ it wasn’t within her range. But then neither had Willow for a long time and she’d had much less of an excuse.
Even if she had gotten special dispensation in a whole load of areas.
“Not so awkward she couldn’t have figured it out by now,” Willow said. “And that’s not the point.”
Anything to do with sound had, for a while, been kind of an awkward subject between them and Toni. No, that wasn’t really true. It’d become an issue for them, while Toni had pretty much remained oblivious to their concerns.
Stupidly, they could see in hindsight, neither of them had liked to draw attention to the fact Toni was deaf.
Big mistake. They’d tried to change what they said – both audibly and in sign – to avoid references to the hearing world, even though Toni used the same words. They’d avoided picking the girl up on anything to do with hearing or sounds. Being too noisy or whatever.
All this ignoring the plain and simple fact that Toni knew she was deaf much better than they did and really didn’t give a hoot. The world, to her was silent. If other people were burdened with hearing things and deciding what to listen to that was hardly her fault. Toni had her life and she wasn’t just getting by – she was living her life as she wanted to. She didn’t know any different and didn’t much care, at least until people treated her like she was stupid or ‘different.’
Different standards didn’t apply.
There were far more problems around Toni being a teenage girl, and one who’d been through a tragedy, than there ever would be about her being deaf. They’d been on walking on eggshells there too though.
All of their avoiding references to hearing and sounds and even avoiding asking each other ‘did you hear that?’ all seemed a little ridiculous now. As Toni had made clear when the girl had finally raised the issue and told them – in no uncertain terms – to stop it.
They were learning all the time… not only what it was to live with and be responsible for a teenage girl, but also how their attempts to make Toni feel totally comfortable here had nothing to do with how little they mentioned hearing or sound
What was the point in that?
It was just another way of treating Toni differently, which was probably why’d they’d felt silly while they were doing it. Their instinct had been not to do it, but they hadn’t listened to their instincts. Instead, and Toni had been the one to put it this way, they’d turned her into a victim who needed special treatment because that was what society wanted to do.
Toni was no one’s victim – indeed she was a big proponent of deaf culture and the issues around it.
Fortunately their signing had reached a point, as had the relationship with Toni, where simply noticing Toni was in the room with them meant they could switch into signed English mid-sentence and either continue to talk audibly too, or to switch entirely into sign.
Quite often they found themselves signing even when Toni wasn't around, and only a few nights ago Tara had signed her side of a conversation while Willow had talked. Neither of them had really noticed until about an hour later when Toni had walked in and wondered what Willow was talking about because she couldn’t see it.
Tara had to say she was proud of both Willow and herself. They’d picked up a totally new language in what seemed like record time and reached a good degree of fluency. Enough to surprise Toni it seemed.
Okay, it was an artificially simplified sign language that matched the order of normal speech, designed for people like them. When you came down to it Signed English was for very young deaf kids, and for parents or family who didn’t have chance to learn the much more complex ASL. They’d seen Toni in conversation with another person who could use full ASL and picking out more than a few words had been tough, despite the fact the signs were the same.
It was just so fast – and in a different order. You couldn’t speak and sign ASL at the same time.
She and Willow were proud though – proud to have reached a child’s level of comprehension. And they were still getting better.
So sure, they still got stuck and there were words that just didn't exist – but they knew how to sign well and fast enough for all their purposes. Jenny was at about the same level; mainly as a result of the time she spent tutoring Toni.
It was only Rupert amongst the girl’s four appointed, albeit temporarily, guardians who lagged behind in the signing to any real degree, and that was simply because Toni neither lived with him and Jenny, nor spent a lot of time with the librarian during the day. On the other hand he had a gift for languages, so it was more a question of how fast he could sign and the range of his vocabulary.
“You think it’s time to get ‘tough’?” Tara asked with a grin.
“I sometimes think we don’t get tough enough,” Willow replied. She gave Tara a rueful smile.
“We?” Tara checked. The problem really wasn’t with ‘we’ being tough enough now was it? Someone around here was asked to be the tough one all the time – at least when it came to dealing with Toni.
“Okay, okay… you broke me. It’s me. I let her get away with murder,” Willow admitted by blurting it out. “It’s just hard to be someone I’m not – living a lie.”
Tara smiled. “It’s okay baby, I’ll still love you. You can come out of the closet. It won’t change anything between us. I promise.”
Willow took a deep breath – mock serious. “Okay… I don’t know how to put this…”
“Just say it. Let it out.”
“I’m just not stern-parent-girl,” Willow finally managed, choking back the laugh.
“There,” Tara said. “Isn’t that better – out and proud of who you are?”
“It’s true. I do feel very relieved now,” Willow agreed. “It’s like a weight was taken off my shoulders. By the way did I mention I’m a lesbian?”
“I had a clue about that one,” Tara said, kissing her cheek of the woman she loved. “You didn’t need to tell me.”
“Oh, what clue?” Willow checked.
“Clues really, plural,” Tara corrected.
“Such as?” Willow probed.
“Just little things little things,” Tara insinuated.
“I say again, ‘such as?’”
“Oh… I guess the most recent hint was when you were going down on me,” Tara revealed about the last time they’d made love. “I said to myself then… yes, this girl’s a lesbian.” Actually, the last time Willow had gone down on her coherent thought had been hard to come by…
Unlike Willow’s tongue, lips and fingers. She’d found those easier to come by.
“Sheesh,” Willow exclaimed, feigning surprise. “That’s really intuitive.”
“That was just the most recent thing that gave me a clue. But yeah, I’m naturally empathic,” Tara grinned. “It’s a gift.”
A kiss in the other direction this time. “I might have to give you another clue… sometime soon.”
“I know you can’t help it,” Tara smiled.
“You got me pegged. I’m a compulsive lesbian… I have a compulsion to go down on you as often as I can,” Willow admitted.
“And may the Goddess bless you for it lover,” Tara said, giving her one more kiss.
Then Willow’s face straightened and she returned to the subject. “I’m serious, some how just can’t be all mad at her. I can be pissed at her – but I can’t be all stern like you.”
“So it’s a good job she isn’t taking advantage of you,” Tara replied. Toni didn't take advantage at all. At least not that they knew about… which was a worrying thought. May be they just hadn’t found out…
But assuming that wasn’t the case, then from the questions they were asked by the social workers, evidently designed to figure out how things were really working out, they were having a pretty blissful time of it.
Oh, Toni was a teenager and she was doing teenage things, but nothing too bad. Tara’s benchmark wasn’t how she’d been at Toni’s age; she’d not exactly had typical teenage years – but what Donny had been like. Compared to Donny Toni was an angel.
And the girl had definitely not tried to manipulate them or anything, at least for nothing more than the last cookie, or a few minutes extra on curfew. When you thought about what she could’ve been doing… She could’ve been playing the two sets of couples into whose care she’d been given against each other.
But she hadn’t.
Tara would’ve had to understand it if Toni had. The girl was in limbo. Her future wasn’t at all secure. No one had ever talked about making the arrangement they had permanent. Even if anyone else had wanted to, would that even be what Toni would want?
It was kind of an unwritten assumption that the girl’s Mom would be found. Eventually. That’d be bad enough, given how little Toni thought of her.
Tara knew it’d be quiet around here without her, which seemed a strange thing to think about a deaf girl. Toni was perfectly able to make noise though – as she’d just demonstrated.
Then there was everything that had happened with the vampires to the girl, to her Dad and what Toni had seen her do to him too of course…
Tara knew that it could’ve been a recipe for bad behaviour and trouble. Maybe it should’ve been, at least then they’d have been sure Toni was getting something out of her system.
As it was, there was always the nagging doubt Toni was bottling things up… even if she really didn’t seem the type to do that.
Luckily, the girl was blessed with being able to adapt to her circumstances without the sort of strain that might have taken her down the road to trouble.
And if a slamming door – which Willow had accidentally done for a long time too – was the greatest extent of the problems they had then… well, Tara would stay perfectly happy with that.
But it was true; Willow was – as with Faith – the weak link discipline wise. Willow just didn't often tell Toni what she needed to do. She’d suggest, but not ‘tell’. If she thought something needed to be said, just like right now, the Willow would tell her and she’d pass it on to Toni.
Tara understood Willow’s reluctance, her girlfriend was always a little reluctant to step outside her area of expertise, especially if there was someone else who she thought was better at it than she was.
Willow shouldn’t have felt she always needed to defer to others though – she’d been around Faith and Ben, and now Toni, for long enough to deal with anything they threw at her. She didn’t need to worry about being ‘wrong.’
Eventually, she was sure, Faith or Toni – or someone else – would reach that very distant point where Willow did snap, and then they’d know about it. The irony was that when she did reach that point, Willow had a talent for shaming people into admitting their mistakes; it was just she didn’t like to do it.
Tara didn't mind being the stern one though, first because she loved Willow just the way she was, and then secondly because she could appreciate the advantages of Willow being Toni’s friend as well as being responsible for her.
Tara knew she was the one who’d automatically slipped into more of a parental role – a parent who wanted to be a friend, but a parental figure all the same. Nothing wrong with that – because along with Jenny she was reasonably sure Toni saw her that way too. They were the ones Toni responded to as authority figures, while Willow was… big sister.
A big sister who could tell her what to do, as big sisters probably did, but a sister all the same.
She wasn’t worried about it. Toni was getting on just fine and that was all they could ask. Whatever awkwardness there’d been due to the events of the past was… Well, it wasn’t gone but it was definitely in the background. Deep in the background. Overgrown with weeds and stuff.
But somehow Tara just knew it was there, lurking and waiting for an excuse to reveal itself. It hadn’t all been forgotten, especially as Toni was reminded of it every time they went out hunting.
“I wouldn’t let anyone take advantage of me,” Willow replied to the insinuation that perhaps she could be manipulated, even though Tara ad said Toni wasn’t.
“No one?” Tara was pretty sure she knew someone. Someone who was invited to, and who knew the true value of delicate manipulation. At least she liked to think so.
“Well, maybe one person,” Willow conceded with a knowing smile, “but definitely just the one.”
“Oh,” Tara asked as she heard Toni coming down the short hallway, her running shoes squeaking on the polished wood. Without thinking about it she switched into sign at the same time as speaking. “And what does she do, love?”
*What does who do?* Toni signed as she came into the room, waving in response to Willow’s gesture first.
“The person who takes advantage of Willow,” Tara replied, smiling warmly at the girl. Aside from just seeing the girl, it was always good to know she’d gotten home okay. It was past dusk, but Tara hadn’t been able to find a vampire in the populated parts of Sunnydale for weeks now. And this girl had proven she knew how to get away from them too.
Run like hell was coming after you.
Toni looked back at her, giving her one of those looks. The one that said ‘your playing with each other again aren’t you?’
Somehow the girl always walked in on them at the most inopportune times. Okay, not the
most inopportune moments, but it had been close a couple of times.
Mortification much if she had?
She winked in response.
*Is the answer to the question, anything she wants?* Toni suggested to Willow.
That sounded about right – the one person who could take advantage of Willow would get to do anything she wanted.
“I guess it would be, yes.” Willow said with sign to them both, then nodded to Tara. It was a silent encouragement to ‘do it, ask her.’
And it wasn’t about closing the door – or dumping her shoes more quietly.
They’d more than one thing to ask Toni tonight – the door thing was just the latest of them. And it was the least pleasant – which meant that the rest was pretty much all-good. No sulking then. Though Toni might have a sulky reaction – and she sometimes did to implied criticism – she’d always listen
while she sulked.
Message delivered, a couple of hours later everything was back to normal.
No sulking for tonight though. At least as long as she left the door out of it. Willow’s encouragement meant Toni had a reprieve on that issue, Tara wasn’t about to spoil this.
The only issue Tara had was how to sensitively with what should be a happy topic – the first time it’d come up since Toni’s Dad… passed.
There were going to be a whole load of ‘first times since’ for this girl in the coming year. There already had been. Leaving aside the matter she was about to raise, soon they’d have to talk about the first time was picked to run for Sunnydale High. Now Toni was no longer holding back…
They were told she was a natural, but the Coach was showing her who was boss at the moment. Or trying to.
Tara understood it, even if she didn’t agree. He was still peeved at Toni for trying to cheat herself and the team – as well as him. Reverse cheating – not for her advantage, but to make everyone else feel better. He was trying to teach her a lesson and, as only Toni could, she was making a rebellion of her complete and utter acquiescence to his wishes.
There could be something deeply disturbing about Toni’s unquestioning obedience. You just knew it was you who was really being taught a lesson. Tara thought the Coach was waiting for Toni to come to him and demand to be in the team, he’d hinted as much to them.
Admitting that to ‘Rosenberg’ just showed how desperate he was to actually have Toni ask him – to end her own ‘punishment.’
Problem was Toni’s idea of justice was a little different. She’d take his penalties – she loved to train hard – and wait for him to come to her instead.
Bob Flutie wanted her in the team. The Coach wanted her in the team. Toni wanted to be in the team too. But the clash of egos about who was going to demand it of the other wasn’t resolved yet.
Tara had a sneaking feeling it’d be their charge who won the day – now he knew how good Toni was, the Coach just couldn’t do without her.
Privately Tara thought Toni knew more about her own training needs than he did, good as Jenny said the man was, but she’d pulled a silly stunt to prevent herself looking too good. Coaches weren’t the most reasonable people in the faculty.
Any faculty, anywhere. The Coach was usually in the upper quartile of unreasonable staff. It was a universal law.
But then Toni wasn’t the most reasonable person around either, even as she was about to gain another year.
Anyway, eventually Toni would be picked and then she’d be racing, for the first time, without her dad watching her. The way Toni had told it he’d been to all of her races – all four of them were determined that was a tradition that should be maintained, even if it wasn’t the same.
It was just the sort of thing they just had to get through. Again Tara hoped it would be a happy time. It should be… unless memories intruded as they sometimes could do. You could see it happen – Toni would be enjoying herself, or perfectly okay and then a wave of memory, a wave of pain would hit her.
Oh fiddlesticks, Tara thought.
Let’s get this out of the way first.
“Do you think you could close the door a little more carefully when you come in?” Tara asked, despite Willow’s permission not to do so.
She’d get to the good news stuff in a moment – even if Toni had a reaction then the good news would help.
Okay so that was the plan, but what was the reaction going to be? Sulk? Denial? Reluctant acceptance?
*Sure, sorry. I’ll keep hold of it from now on,* Toni said entirely reasonably as she flopped into Miss Kitty’s chair. The cat wasn’t around to contest it at the moment though.
Simple. To the point acceptance. The expression was definitely apologetic and genuine.
She looked at Willow, but her girlfriend was evidently just as surprised as Tara herself. It had been… it had been easy.
Too easy.
Was this the kind of thing Toni was doing to the Coach?
The more comfortable Toni had become, like anyone would do, the less she’d been on what Tara’s Mom would have called her
‘We have visitor’s’ behaviour. That was what she and Donny were supposed to have been like when their Dad’s relatives had come to visit – or anyone else for that matter.
Despite her grief Toni had initially been metaphorically tiptoeing around, trying to be especially ‘good’ for a long time. Just as she, Willow, Rupert and Jenny had all been doing the same around her. Then that had changed, and the tensions of people living together had to be worked through. Just a month ago they’d never have asked Toni to watch what she was doing with the door, fearing a bad reaction and being judged on it.
At least not until it got serious.
Now it seemed they were all more comfortable with each other and things were a little different. Now they were all able to behave like real people. They could take Toni to task, and – as befitted a teenage girl – she could feel hard done by and that the ‘older generation’ didn’t understand her and her needs.
Both she and Willow refused to admit they were an older generation. Just the older end of Toni’s generation.
Yeah, that was definitely their place.
Now Rupert… Rupert was the older generation.
Jenny… their opinion on Jenny wavered depending on whether their friend was in the room with them. But she’d been Willow’s teacher – so didn’t the truth seem clear?
Ira was another generation along the line… or maybe he was just the older end of Rupert’s?
Just so long as she and Willow were the same generation as Toni. They were still at school themselves!
So generation gaps aside… this request had been almost too easy.
That worried her. Why had it been so easy? Toni wasn’t likely to have argued, not really, but Tara had expected a little more resistance than that. Some justification – the door was fitted with a fire safety device that closed it with a bang if you left it too long anyway. Toni could’ve made the case.
But she hadn’t even bothered – not through disinterest but instead by simply accepting it. Stranger and stranger.
She supposed it could be because Toni had been training. The girl was often more relaxed afterwards. It was always a good time to catch her, just after coming in the door. When she was flopping into a chair.
Just like now. That was probably it then.
“Did you get chance to do any studying before training?” Willow asked the girl, perhaps having sensed how easy it had been to ask her about the door. A window of opportunity.
Tara recognised the flicker of a smile on Toni’s lips at Willow’s choice of subject. It hadn’t taken Toni long to figure out how Willow regarded studying was akin to how she felt about running. She never resented the question from Willow, not like she would from any of her other three guardians who were probably seen more as hounding her to get it done.
For Willow, study was like training.
Exams were the race.
*All done* Toni replied and started to shift, curl up and to relax into the easy chair she’d pretty much adopted as her own.
At least when she could get away with it.
Toni had barely sat down when, with no more than three moves of her sleek body Miss Kitty launched herself from inside the doorway, not even thinking about finding her footing, and landed perfectly on Toni. The chair, when they were staying here– in fact from when she’d been a kitten – had always belonged to Miss Kitty.
It didn’t take much figuring out. You could tell that by the hair and the smell, and woe betide them if they tried to get it cleaned. An angry and vindictive cat was something they’d only made the mistake of provoking once.
The fact Miss Kitty chose not to sit there so much any more didn't change the matter of who owned it.
This leap onto Toni was just her little protest and reclamation of her privileges. Privileges made very clear by the way she was stood on the girl, looking up into her eyes. Her hind legs were on the girl’s stomach and the forelegs on her chest, tail waving around as she moved, trying to decide what her perfect resting place would be – and probably daring Toni to try and move her off.
Toni, wisely, didn’t touch her until after Miss Kitty had settled, looking right up at her again and, within moments, issuing a contented purring which Tara knew Toni could feel running through her. Toni had told her how much she liked it… there was something about the way a cat purred and it wasn't an audio sensation. Or at least not only an audio sensation.
Experimenting by listening to music through headphones as she petted Miss Kitty, Tara had come to agree with her. And Miss Kitty, for her part, had realised that Toni could provide just an ample a pillow as she could… and Willow had a little more trouble with.
That was okay, Tara liked Willow’s pillows just how they were and she was the one who mattered.
“So,” Tara started to address herself to Toni again, speaking just for Willow’s benefit, “you have no more assignments to do for Jenny or for any of the teacher’s at school?” Now that was checking up – and harassing. She could see it in Toni’s expression.
*None. All done.*
Right. Willow’s own expression was confirmation of how Tara herself was feeling about this. There was something that was just
wrong about this whole situation. Perhaps Toni had been possessed?
It was always possible around here, but the charms that protected this place… It was unlikely anyone or anything that was possessed could penetrate them. So, something more mundane.
Toni, like most 14 year olds Tara supposed, wasn’t the kind of student who did all her assignments right away.
Willow having probably been very much the exception.
Toni was definitely a ‘last minute stress helps me focus’ kind of girl – and she admitted it. It said as much in the permanent records that Jenny had seen, now that they’d been transferred from her old school.
There were, Toni had often told them, more important things in life than homework.
Like running.
Okay, that wasn’t something Willow knew how to deal with – but Tara had kind of expected it, and it wasn’t like Toni was hanging around on street corners smoking dope was it?
She was doing something constructive – and for the school. If she proved to have the talent maybe even something that would pay for college and be a career in it’s own right. But that didn’t help with her homework assignments.
So long as they got done though… what could they say?
Having them all done in advance though? That was where weird came into it.
Perhaps Toni noticed how they were looking to each other and assumed they didn’t believe her. Whatever the assumption, she started to explain.
Of course she’d noticed them look at each other, no matter how fleeting it was. Noticing things was a major part of Toni’s language. *I went to the library; saw Rupert and he let me use some of the books from there to do the assignment for Jenny.
Before practice – I had a free.*
“A study session,” Willow corrected.
Toni rolled her eyes. *Before practice I had a
study session. I finished the rest of them yesterday.*
“And then you ran home?” Willow checked.
*Sure, why not?*
Willow screwed up her brow for effect, making it obvious she was thinking about that. Everyone had little quirks, but Willow’s quirks were quirkier than most.
“Aren’t you already tired out by the time you finish training?” Willow asked. Tara knew her girlfriend, of course, had a hard time imagining the need for any voluntary exercise that wasn't conducted in a very intimate situation and with just two people involved.
Something neither of them were recommending for Toni just yet.
Toni’s attitude to study, and Willow’s attitude to exercise on Toni’s level were kind of the same. Which made this evenings revelation all the stranger.
*It’s part of the attraction,* Toni told them.
“Being exhausted?” Willow asked, her voice carrying more disbelief than her fingers would allow for.
*Feeling I did my best, pushed myself to my limits… moved those limits a little further on. Feeling fulfilled. You know, running.* The girl shrugged, struggling to come up with more of an explanation than that.
“You have to admit,” Tara told her lover, “it sounds kind of familiar.”
“In more ways than one,” Willow said with a sly wink. Not just talking about her attitude to academia.
But Tara was still wondering just
why Toni had done all her assignments. The most obvious idea was that there was something else she wanted to do instead. So she asked the question, half expecting to have her head bitten off, and probably rightly so.
Toni seemed to wait a beat before she replied and Tara wondered if she was trying some sort of calming ritual? Perhaps she was imagining it, perhaps Toni was just thinking of what to say. *You guys were always on at me to
do my homework assignments. Now you’re wondering
why I did them? Maybe it’d because you wanted me to?*
It was, Tara had to admit, a little inconsistent. “Sorry.” Once again she signed as she spoke the words. “You’re right.”
Then Willow spoke up in her defence, not that she needed it. “We’re just both…”
She paused, either looking for the word or for the sign of the word, but before Willow could find it in her memory, or spell it out, Toni came back with one of her own. *Geeks.*
“I was going to suggest ‘bookworms’” Tara said with a laugh. She couldn’t disagree.
Willow, on the other hand, seemed to be thunderstruck by the choice of word. The word, only a suggestion and not signed with any malice at all, had hit her hard. And right between the eyes.
*Same thing,* Toni told them, obviously not yet realising what she’d said to Willow.
Tara hadn’t, apart from her lover’s reaction, realised what Toni had said to Willow either. But she knew enough about her lover to know it was an old nerve Toni was hitting.
“I…I…I haven’t been a geek,” and Willow had to spell the word, “since… since well…” Tara looked on. How was Willow going to complete that sentence? If she wasn't careful she was going to drop herself into a description that would, at best, confuse Toni and at worst would give away the one thing they needed to keep from this girl at all costs.
That there
was a way back from being a vampire.
From being dead.
Tara didn’t want anyone to have to explain to Toni why it had been done for Willow, and why it couldn’t be done with her Dad.
And it couldn’t be done – not again. The circumstances were… just impossible to bring about. The person who’d helped her before hated her now. That’d been the price of it.
“Not since I really got to know Tara for the first time,” Willow completed.
Tara approved. It was a nicely worded statement. It held a meaning for them and it held a meaning for Toni – and neither was a lie or any form of deception. Willow had been a different person when she’d come back from beyond the veil. If she’d been a geek before she’d died, then honestly Tara had never seen it in her since.
Devoted to her studies? For sure. Taking an unnatural pleasure in achievement of all kinds? Definitely.
But not a ‘geek.’
There was definitely more in her life now than there had been then.
She just hoped Toni didn’t ask her what the difference was. Actually Tara thought Willow wasn’t, as much because she didn’t want to be as because that wasn’t who she was.
Geeks – as a rule – didn’t hunt vampires, or last long if they did.
And this was so far from the point they’d been trying to raise. Nothing was ever simple.
Toni considered what they’d said for a minute as she played with Miss Kitty. No, Miss Kitty was playing with Toni, playing in the sense of using an absolute minimum of effort to get exactly what she wanted.
And as usual, every time Toni stopped stroking the cat to start to sign something, Miss Kitty took offence at attention being paid to anyone else and stretched a lazy paw to swipe at the fingers before they could start to move.
Toni was forced to raise her hands too high for Miss Kitty to get at without standing up.
And there was
no way Miss Kitty was going to stand up now, she was there until someone picked her up and put her down somewhere else. To move now would be to suggest that Toni could have the chair, rather than just sit there at her sufferance. A living cushion. Miss Kitty was way too proud for that.
She was a cat after all.
And like all cats she endlessly fascinated with small, quick movements. Her eyes darted from side to side, up and down as people signed over her resting form. When she was feeling more active they’d play games with her, signing words and watch her swipe at Toni’s fingers.
Miss Kitty rarely caught them. But when she and Willow tried it, they’d come out with scratches all over their hands.
“I’m not a geek!” Willow concluded because Toni was having to think about it. “Just look at me!”
Tara could tell that by that request, Willow actually meant ‘look at my life.’
*Oh please. Why does being a lesbian and in love
stop you from being geeky?* Toni asked as Miss Kitty’s claw got caught in the sleeve of her sweats and the cat tried for a moment to free herself, without retracting them. Toni’s mirth was transformed to irritation, as the cat must have pulled a thread in the tracksuit. She wasn’t even paying attention to how they might reply to what she’d said.
She looked at Willow. Willow looked at her. What could you say to a question like that?
“It absolutely does damn it!” Willow signed with a spreading grin on her face. Being a lesbian and in love did rule out geekiness to Willow.
It seemed her girlfriend had reached the conclusion that as long as Toni was giving her credit for the things Willow thought stopped her being a geek that was okay.
*Really?* Toni asked, looking surprised.
“Really?” Tara checked.
“Okay, I guess not,” Willow conceded in the face of their doubts. “But I’m not a geek!” she protested.
Toni just grinned. The girl did like to win. It wasn’t just she hated to lose – she loved to win. Big difference, and just what an athlete needed to be successful.
“You’re not if I’m not,” Tara promised Willow.
*I could be wrong,* Toni admitted in a gesture which was no doubt intended to keep the peace. Which was nice of her.
“Darn Tootin,” Willow spelled out. Of course, Toni didn't quite see it while engaged with Miss Kitty and so Willow had to repeat it again – Toni confirming there was no single sign for it. It rather lessened the impact and the emphasis as far as Tara could tell, spelling it out.
More to the point, Tara hadn’t missed the fact that Toni
still hadn’t really answered the ‘why’ of her original question. Why’d she done all her assignments already? It was a question worth repeating. Unless they were supposed to accept that – through simple repetition – they’d changed a teenager into a homework machine?
It was possible but unlikely. They weren’t
that good at being parental figures.
She had past experience with the tactics Toni seemed to be using. Donny had always evaded her mother’s questions by changing the subject – or jumping into someone else’s subject with both feet. Willow wasn’t above doing it either, but Willow always did it with the firm expectation of being caught. Sometimes her love liked to be told off… strange as it seemed.
It was a game they played, without even realising it.
Toni was better at it than Willow… or maybe it was just because she didn’t want to get caught.
Tara couldn’t help thinking that it was a good thing though. If the girl was getting a little devious with them then she was becoming a ‘proper’ teenager again. It was the kind of normality they’d been trying to bring all their lives.
Normality was hard to come by when you were living with a pair of demon hunting college students, but there it was. Another brick in the wall of life. A wall that was getting higher – and might even have been four walls. She, Jenny, Rupert and Willow… Yeah, there were four walls.
They were probably almost ready to put a roof on it…
Of course, the roof might be something a little more permanent than they would be able to offer.
Where the heck was she going with this metaphor? Had it ever made sense?
All this boiled down to the fact that if Toni wanted to be a little sneaky then it was okay. It was getting her assignments done – she or Willow would probably read through it a little later too. Just to check, and provide study support of course. Tara thought Willow got a strange thrill from seeing high school assignments again too. Perhaps the wrong one of them was intending to be a teacher?
Then again she wasn't sure getting excited about homework was a pre-requisite for what she wanted to do with her life.
No, homework wasn’t her motivation at all. She could admit that as Willow nudged her without any subtlety, making Toni raise her eyebrows to ask what was going on.
“We were wondering,” Tara said, carefully changing the subject at Willow’s prompting, “what you wanted to do with… I mean what you wanted to do on your birthday,”
Willow beamed at Toni, all problems with being called a geek dismissed into another conversation.
She’d been careful about this because it was a subject which could stir up memories of past birthdays, who was missing this time round… Not even necessarily – but most obviously – her Dad. The one person who’d always been there on her birthday.
It could be old friends from Fremont Toni missed at such a time. Well, if that was true then they could probably take Toni up there, or invite anyone she wanted come down here.
But there was always that one person they couldn’t bring along to her birthday.
She and Willow had talked about it, and then they’d talked about it some more with Rupert and Jenny. They couldn’t ignore it – but they couldn’t just assume they knew what Toni would like either.
They had to do something. On reflection a ‘surprise’ hadn’t seemed like the best thing – especially if Toni was going to take it badly. So they’d had to ask the question instead. What it lacked in surprise, they hoped it’d make up for in being fun.
*My birthday?*
“It’s the week after next, right?” Willow checked.
Toni nodded slowly, looking very wary.
“Sweet fifteen,” Willow said with a grin.
Toni rolled her eyes. “Sorry,” Willow said.
But at least the wariness had passed.
“What would you like to do?” Tara repeated – fervently hoping Toni wasn’t going to lapse into ‘nothing’ or ‘it doesn’t matter.’ Because, hello, of course it mattered. It was her birthday. It only came once a year. The way birthdays tended to do.
She and Willow still loved to celebrate birthdays, but they weren’t going to let Toni celebrate in the ways they chose to. She’d have to wait for a few years for that – and find herself a special friend to make the best of the hours after the party.
Of course Jenny had once joked that there were actually only two nights a year she and Willow didn’t have sex, making their birthdays stand out from the crowd.
And no, not just the once…
Little did the teacher know. Where she overestimated in one respect, she was dramatically underestimating their birthday practices… But once again that was something Toni was going to have to wait for.
*Mini-golf?* Toni signed slowly and carefully, as afraid it wouldn’t be okay.
“Cool!” Willow said. “I’m getting better and better you know.”
*You won’t beat Tara,* Toni promised her, obviously pleased that Willow was so enthusiastic.
“No,” Willow acknowledged, “but it’s the taking part that counts – besides…” Willow stopped speaking as she met Tara’s eyes. “Tara feels sorry for me when I lose,” she said finally.
*Tara definitely feels something,* Toni countered then blushed as the two of them looked up at her shocked. They’d seen Toni make a few jokey references before, nothing they wouldn’t say themselves, but this had the added implication of being… well, no exaggeration actually.
Toni was picking up on their asides, drawing the right conclusion and running with them.
*Like sympathy?* Toni finished a few beats later, once she’d realised what her fingers had said. It was the lame suggestion of someone who couldn’t think of anything better to say.
A bit like she or Willow would’ve managed if they’d been caught out in the same way. Toni was, perhaps, getting just a little bit more like them.
“Yeah,” Tara agreed, smiling at her girlfriend. “Something like sympathy.” Then she turned back to Toni. “You know you’re turning into a minx, right?”
*Funny – I don’t feel any different,* Toni promised them, teasing the ears of the only genuine feline in the room.
“So mini-golf,” Willow said. “What about a picnic? Picnics are cool – there’s food and yet it’s outdoors too.”
Now there was a suggestion. That would be good. A picnic, out in the park – before, during or after mini-golf. They could have all sorts of stuff to eat as long as the weather held, and even if it didn't there were other options when it came to eating.
But…
“You know,” Tara said doubtfully, “We can play mini-golf anytime, are you sure you wouldn’t rather do anything else?” She didn't want Toni just picking something easy for the sake of it. There was nothing wrong with birthday fun being a challenge.
*But I like mini-golf,* Toni said with the expression of someone who didn’t want to be challenged on this.
“So do I,” Tara agreed quickly. “It’s Willow who does badly. As hard as she tries.”
And it was Willow who stuck her tongue out at them as they laughed. “I like it too. I’m just not as… gifted as the two of you” Then she turned to Toni again. “Any jokes about Tara whupping my ass will not be well received though.”
Toni just gave her a perfectly innocent look. It said ‘who me?’ and it didn't need any signs at all. As far as Tara could tell, Toni was planning on beating Willow herself, and therein lay the fun for her.
*A picnic would be nice too. But…* Toni stopped signing and went back to playing with Miss Kitty’s ears.
She and Willow looked at each other, wondering what the ‘but’ actually meant. Toni didn’t look like she was about to add anything to it though. “A picnic it is then,” Willow said.
“With mini-golf,” Tara promised. Mini-golf had been the main request.
“Is there anyone you’d like to come?” Willow asked casually.
And Toni flushed bright red.
Ah, they’d hit a nerve. What was all that about? Was she afraid she had no friends and was embarrassed by it? Might she actually
not want someone to go? Tara was afraid of who that might be.
Toni hadn’t said it yet. Tara didn't even know what the girl was thinking.
“What?” Willow asked, clearly not having reached the same paranoid possibility she had. But then her lover didn't have to worry about being the one Toni might not like enough to want along.
Or perhaps it was Rupert? He wasn't much fun, at least not until you got to know him well enough. No, if Toni didn't want anyone there it was going to be her, Tara knew it. She accepted it and she’d back out with good grace if she had to.
If it came to that… it was Toni’s birthday after all.
No! No she wouldn’t. She was being paranoid, and she knew it. Toni had already accepted the idea of a birthday trip with her and Willow. Why was she worrying about that? And even if it happened that way, she wouldn’t back out – because she wasn’t about to give up on the girl.
So it was harder for her and Toni than Willow or Jenny found it. Harder – but not impossible. And they were both trying.
*Well,* Toni started. She seemed reluctant to come out with it. Then she brightened a little. *Can Ira come too?*
There was a working assumption that Rupert, Jenny and the kids would be invited already.
She paid close attention to Toni. She knew the girl pretty well by now, her mannerisms and her expressions – of which there were many. The question she’d eventually asked wasn't the one she’d wanted to ask. There had been something else there.
At least there was if she knew Toni half as well as she thought she did.
And if she didn’t they were in trouble of a completely different kind.
Willow was the one who chose to answer for her own father, which was kind of appropriate. “We can ask him,” she suggested. “See if he’s able to, but probably yeah.”
“What else is it?” Tara asked. “You… I think you want to say something?”
*No.*
*Ask something?* Tara suggested just in sign.
Toni looked skywards and appeared to become resigned to doing whatever it was that she wanted to do. Whatever that was.
*I was going to ask you if I could have someone over* Toni turned away even before she’d finished signing it. And she didn't turn back immediately, so Tara had to stamp her foot to get the girls attention again. It was the only way she was going to get to follow up on it.
Trust Willow to get there first. Willow was always so very quick. “For your birthday?”
No, because Toni hadn’t known they were even going to celebrate her birthday until just a moment ago. At least, celebrating it with them was new. Had Toni perhaps assumed that there wasn’t going to be any other celebration and tried to plan something of her own?
Were they treading on her toes?
The girl wasn’t really a ‘loner’ but she was definitely strong and self-reliant. The two of those qualities in combination was something that meant Toni was exactly the kind of person who might have arranged her own birthday activities.
*Kind of* Toni admitted to confirm Tara’s own thoughts.
“You thought we’d forgotten?” Tara wondered.
*Not forgotten, I just didn't think we’d end up doing too much* Toni told her with a helpless shrug.
“It’s your birthday, silly” Willow told her.
Well, Tara thought, that was a new approach. Calling Toni ‘silly’ was a whole new way to deal with her. It was an affectionate ‘silly’ though. Tara was really interested in what Toni’s reaction was going to be.
A smile. A perfectly genuine and relieved smile.
“Who’d you want to have over?” Willow carried on.
And then the smile morphed into a little worried flicker along with a blush. Why was… oh.
Oh.
Ohhh.
“Doesn’t matter Will,” Tara said carefully, but before her girlfriend could say anything else that’d embarrass Toni. She put a little more emphasis into her voice than she did the signing. “Toni can have anyone she likes over.”
“But – ”
“Whenever she likes,” Tara said firmly. “It’s fine, Toni.”
She could virtually see Willow going ‘Oh’ as she came to understand too. Tara was still right there with her. Still stuck on the ‘oh.’
Meanwhile, as Willow continued with her mental ‘oh’, Tara signed a few words for Toni. *And it doesn’t have to be on your birthday* Toni visibly relaxed when she’d said that. It looked like she’d made a good guess. It was a boy.
A boy Toni
liked.
Oh god, did they have to start thinking ground rules?
And talks?
After how she and Willow had got together, what right did they have to start making ground rules? They’d not exactly been role models, except for something pretty twisted.
Why was she even thinking about ground rules? She didn't even know this boy’s name.
And she was only assuming it was a boy… Of course it was a boy, that was one thing they could be certain of. There weren’t many things in the world straighter than Toni – for all that she didn’t even blink at the lifestyle of her hosts.
*What’s his name?* she asked, just to bring it all out in the open.
*Malcolm* Toni spelled. *We chat on the net.*
So that was what was keeping Toni up at night, she’d often seen a light still on long after they’d gone to bed.
Hmmm.
Better than how she and Willow had first met anyway…
************************
Next year right?
), to Amy/Catherine (what an end for the both of them, Amy getting eaten by Harmony, who in turn is staked herself), Larry, Mayor Wilkins, Lilah, Jenny, Giles and of course Faith.
