Me? Exploit?
I explore. But I deny exploiting. I pay a fair wage to each and every character. Then I exploit the hell out of them.
Capitalism baby!
Toni will blame me? Oh god... The next part... damn.
Enjoy 135 y'all. It's hot from the keyboard, literally completed the beta edit two minutes ago. (now I need to get ahead again.)
There's something big around the corner...
Katharyn
--------------------
Title:
The Sidestep Chronicle – Second Chronicle - Three Terrible Words (Part 135)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism is always welcome.
katharynrosser@hotmail.com Flames just demonstrate you have a tiny mind.
Spoiler Warning: Pretty limited. The story occurs in an alternate universe as set up in “The Wish” though reference is made to events that occur in both realities. Nothing is referenced that occurs after S5 though. Guess why? Most “spoilers” would be for the first chronicle of this fic rather than the show and if you haven’t read that then much of this will make no sense but you can try and get round it by reading the preface to Part 104 which summarises most of what went before.
Distribution This story was written for Pens. Pens is its home. No archiving off Different Coloured Pens (This applies to all of the Sidestep Chronicle)
Summary: The morning after the night before… Everyone has to deal with what happened to Toni’s Dad.
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories. You know the drill.
Rating: R – a general rating for occasional content. Individual parts might be less than this level.
Couples: Tara and Willow forever – others couples as necessary but nothing unconventional.
Notes: All references to ‘baked noodles’ are homage’s (i.e. stolen) from The Matrix.
Thanks To: All My Brilliant Beta Readers (AMBBR) Kerry (Forrister) and Jo (Wizpup) who for some reason signed right back up for this fic after seeing the size of the last one. No accounting for madness is there. And Celia (TiredSoul) who should have known better but signed up anyway. *HUGS* and Big Thanks to all of you. This one is Jo’s and that’s why the grammar is probably so much better *wink* She’s such a stickler but she’d not afraid to reduce my word count in the interests of ‘getting it right!’ Thanks also to Kerry who took a pass at this.
The Sidestep Chronicle – Second Chronicle
Three Terrible Words
By
Katharyn Rosser
The ritual had kind of been the easy part, and as none of the family who lived here used any magic of a kind which would change their nature. Because of that simple fact there was no need for the bracelets she and Willow already had to wear in order to pass through such wards as they’d just put in place. As it turned out, it had been easier to precisely mimic the protection accorded to their own dorm room and the apartment in town. That way… when they had their own bracelets on – and they always had them on – they could still get into Jenny’s okay.
There'd been a time when she would have been able to pass through the ward without any assistance. Willow had needed a bracelet to get into her apartment when… well -
before - but for other reasons. Then there'd been a time when neither of them needed one; but now - now they both needed one. The magic was the thing that had changed them. Jenny had cast some bones in her time, Rupert had done some rituals – and that was all fine – the problem was when the magic came from a part of you. What seemed to make the difference was when the magic stopped being something you did , and stared to be part of who you were. When that happened, it made a person, at least partly, magical. Beyond nature. And the whole point of the ritual was that now nothing no-one and no-one who was beyond nature could enter this apartment.
Not without the bracelets she and Willow had already been wearing, and they weren’t planning to make another for anyone, or anything else.
This place, this home, wasn’t just protected against vampires now – but from practically anything that wasn't human or animal and yet still moved enough to present a threat. Anything which wasn’t a part of nature – including those who simply used magic.
Without the right key… she touched the bracelet she’d been wearing for years now. Something so simple. Old, worn but nothing anyone would ever suspect. She couldn’t have entered her own home without it.
She was, after all, a person who used magic. Maybe, with the elemental magic she and Willow used now, maybe they could have passed the ritual as human – but she kind of hoped they wouldn’t be able to.
She didn’t want anyone else to have a pass to their home that could hurt them.
But, even if the ritual had gone well, then Tara still wasn’t looking forward to the rest of what she had to do this morning. Her dreams had been haunted ones. Haunted by the past. By the present - and by all the possible futures. It was a past that she remembered all too well. A present, for Toni, that she feared she might have made even worse and a future in which vampires, and she and Willow fighting them, were a constant.
She wouldn’t have made any other choice about Toni’s Dad. She didn’t need to have searched her soul for as long as she had to know that. But she wished the girl hadn’t been there to see it. That would have been better – but if she hadn’t been there, then would he have hurt Faith? Jenny?
Of course he would have. If Toni hadn’t been there to hold his attention then they all knew that he would have taken his wild rage out on Jenny and the children. Or at least forced Jenny to fight him… and risk losing.
Toni had been there. Things were what they were and always would be…
But she was still afraid that there wasn't a way to end this for Toni, let alone for them.
The vampires would keep coming and she and Willow would keep fighting them. As long as the two of them stayed on the Hellmouth – and how could they ever leave here? If they left… It would be return to the bad old days for this town. It would be a return to the way that Sunnydale had been when they had friends still living here too.
Friends as well as people they didn’t know.
Maybe it wouldn’t get as bad as the nightmare she’d found when she arrived in town. A vampire as powerful as the Master in charge? Unlikely – there weren’t many of them out there. But it would still be bad enough.
People would have to scuttle around in the daytime, lock themselves in their homes at night.
They’d have to be afraid again.
People shouldn’t have to be afraid. Tara didn’t want that. She didn’t want Faith and Ben to grow up in a town where they had to be afraid to go home a few minutes late – like Willow and her friend Xander.
Tara didn’t want to think of these children suffering as Willow had.
How could they stop fighting? How could they leave and not have those thoughts?
And what about tonight? Well, she’d been telling Willow, Jenny… anyone who would listen – including herself – that tonight was going to make a difference to all that. Tonight, by fighting and doing what they had to do, they would make Sunnydale a better place once more. It was what they should have done before the vampire ever established themselves and hurt people like Toni.
And she supposed what she was saying to them was true. It would help make this town better.
But for how long? There was always another monster.
Would it ever end?
When?
Could it ever end?
How?
There would still be a Hellmouth, no matter what they did. These things would just keep happening here, wouldn’t they? Creatures would still come here, or spring from the mystical energies in the town. That was why it
was a Hellmouth and not just a bad city like L.A. or Chicago. She’d been to those places and whilst they had their problems it was really just one of scale. Demons would go there just as humans would. The bigger the space the more demons there were – just like people.
Here it was the Hellmouth, which created or drew them. The Hellmouth was to blame. She hated it. She hated it like she’d rarely hated anyone or anything. As a rule she didn’t hate – but she hated the Hellmouth. The idea of it… and the physical manifestation of it which she was sure was somewhere beneath the town.
Maybe the vampires were even sat on top of it? Was that why they were where they were?
What would that mean for them and their attack tonight?
Willow would have told her she was being silly about her worries, at least she would if the woman Tara loved hadn’t been supporting Faith in her bouncing in the living room. Willow was, for a woman whose nature was to be a compulsive worrier, a surprisingly wonderful rock. A rock
and a tower of strength. A rock, a tower of strength
and an anchor of happiness and love in an ocean of supernatural battles to be fought.
Battles to be fought and courses to be passed the next morning. With Willow at her side, and not even necessarily fighting there, she could do this. She could do what she had to do with Willow beside her.
She’d fought alone before, but with Willow in her life she’d never have be alone – because being that way again was much, much, worse than anything any demon could do to her – other than taking her Willow away. And that wasn’t going to happen. She wasn't going to let it.
What sort of thought was that to have before they did what was required of them tonight?
She knew that her maudlin frame of mind was because of what she’d done to Toni. Somewhere inside she knew that she’d done something that could have been handled differently, even if the only difference was to avoid Toni seeing it, and she knew she regretted what had needed to be done. She was feeling like she
should feel guilty rather than having actual guilt about the act itself. She just couldn’t see
what she would have done differently. Her subconscious seemed determined to be trying to make her feel bad anyway.
So there was that and the fact that the battles never looked like they were going to end for them. No reason to feel down at all was there?
Because, on the other side of her coin, there was always Willow, Rupert, Jenny and the kids. And now, perhaps, there was Toni. Or at least there had been.
She hoped Toni’s battles would end sooner than her own.
The girl wouldn’t understand the battle that was being fought in the world. Everywhere. She wouldn’t understand what the thing Tara had killed the previous night really was. Not really. You couldn’t understand it until you’d been through all the way through it. Toni was, unfortunately, only at the beginning. Toni had seen what he had done – what he’d wanted to do – but she hadn’t really grasped what he was in essence.
Not a vampire.
The vampire wasn’t the point – Toni knew about those already. The real truth was that he had been a cruel effigy of the man that she’d loved – her Dad.
Tara was sure it was supposed to gain the vampires some advantage – and it nearly had done. This wasn't the movies – the bad guys could win.
If they allowed it to happen.
Tara knew full well that Toni had never had chance to really let go of the man who’d died trying to get her out of the cage in which the vampires had held her them both. That was understandable – it had only been a week or so. Tara had held onto memories for much, much longer than that. And with much more enduring results too.
But for Toni… to see him come back when she was still in the first stages of grieving for him…
To see him like that.
And he’d just hurt her all over again before she’d even had a chance to get past the original pain. If anything Toni had shoved it aside and not really dealt with it. There had to be someone, something behind all this, something that had controlled him or at least told him where to find ‘his’ daughter. To use that against the girl – and the rest of them - made Tara angry.
Anger was not a good state of mind to prepare for the battle that was coming. She knew it, she was being careful.
If anyone had needed a reminder of just how twisted and inhuman vampires were – without even trying - then last night was all that they would have needed to remember it and realise why it was that they were fighting at all.
Vampires didn’t just eat people, they hurt them too. They might not even try to – some of them just wanted the blood – but they hurt people all the same.
Tonight… The goddess knew the truth, no matter how she might try to reassure Willow, Rupert and Jenny. There were times the full truth was counterproductive. She wasn’t going to lie, but she wasn’t going to tell them certain things either. They hadn’t
ever done anything like this – together or in any combination. Rupert had joined her and Faith in an attack on that demon, Balthazar, the attack she’d been manipulated into making by the, now departed, Mayor Wilkins. She hadn’t felt good about that – but compared to what they were going to try tonight… It had been child’s play.
She still wasn’t sure that she should be taking Rupert with them. She still wasn't sure that she wanted Willow to be there – except that she knew Willow would worry like mad if she were left behind and besides… Willow was a powerful witch in her own right now. She could more than just help – she could see them through this. Willow could very easily be the difference between success and failure – and that difference was one of life too. Rupert had his own part to play – but he was a husband and father. He shouldn’t have to do this. Families were part of the reason they fought for Sunnydale.
But she knew wasn’t how he saw it. She couldn’t leave him behind
again. He wouldn’t fall for it again. The three of them, if they stayed close and stuck to the plans they’d made on finding the way in last night, could come through this. If one of them fell they all would – because no one was going to let anything happen to any of the others.
But perhaps if Rupert was the one who went to talk to Toni then she could handle the night without him? That seemed a fair trade in terms of handling the tough tasks.
Rupert hadn’t killed Toni’s father though. He would have done if he’d been able to get there before her, but the fact remained he hadn’t.
She had.
Tara would have knocked on the door to the bedroom – but what was the point? There were so many things she was having to change and adapt to with Toni and not just because she was deaf – those were the easy things to figure out – but more because she was a young woman in pain and that was something that, blessedly, Tara hadn’t had to deal with for a long time now.
Not really since Willow had recovered from her ordeals. Toni hadn’t had it as hard as Willow, but it was bad enough.
Could she do this again? Could she do this for someone she didn’t love the way she’d loved Willow even then?
Back then love had been why she’d done it – all of it.
Tara had borrowed Faith’s ‘puter’ to try to talk to Toni, guessing that there wasn't going to be any separating Toni from the room – at least not yet. Willow hadn’t brought her laptop and there was no way that they were going to lug the desktop in there just to have a ‘chat’ with the girl. With just the one screen and a few words she’d learned to sign it was going to be slower and even more awkward.
But what did she expect? She needed to take it slow. She realised that it was going to be awkward… not just because most of it was going to have to be typed. It was going to be awkward for much better reasons than that.
Better or worse.
She opened the door, half expecting to find Toni still sleeping. Perhaps she’d been hoping… She’d been sleeping when they’d left the previous night, but Tara didn’t really expect that to have continued. A night like that, with all it made you feel and worry about, wasn't one for prolonged sleep. No, it had probably been a long, restless, night for the girl. If so, if Toni had been sleeping now, Tara had already decided to let her be for a while longer.
Perhaps it was easier to let her be.
She wasn’t quite sure if she was relieved or dismayed that Toni was awake and that she did get to do this now. She considered it for all of about a second – yeah, it was a relief. She wanted to do this – she wanted to know how Toni felt. She wanted to see it in her face. And what was there on that face already?
What was her starting point?
As she went in Toni looked up and there seemed to be surprise in her face. Why not? Tara was actually impressed with herself for managing to get here – to face the girl who’d lost everything – again. She
had killed Toni’s father last night. There was no denying that at all.
At least everything that was left of him outside of this girl’s head and heart.
Tara wasn’t sorry about killing him – in itself – and she even would say so if Toni asked. She’d admit she was glad she’d killed a vampire that was threatening her friends. And that she’d do it again and be glad once more. But… she
was sorry it had been Toni’s dad. Maybe she’d tell her that even if she didn’t ask. There had been no choice – but she was sorry that Toni had been forced to see it – in fact that she’d seen him at all. That was just going to make things harder for this young woman to get past it and get on with her life any time in the near future.
Which was something that was very important – Toni had to move on, otherwise she’d get all caught up in the ‘what ifs?’ and ‘what can I do about it?’ stuff that would ultimately get her killed if she lingered there too long – or get someone else killed which would be even worse because Toni would then know it was down to her.
If it all happened that way.
What Tara was really afraid of was that Toni would look at her, as she was now, and somehow see what she’d done to Willow. All of what she’d done. The bad and the… less bad. There was some good there too.
She’d killed a vampire that had worn Willow’s face. She’d killed the only Willow she’d ever known back then. She’d killed her – and then she’d arranged to bring her back from death. She’d made deals with some very dark powers – bargains that she’d never fulfilled, nor ever intended to – though she would have done if forced. It was the only bad faith she’d ever intentionally shown in her life. But the woman she loved had come to her – come back to her… Fallen in love with her and then there had been no question of ever fulfilling that bargain.
It had been a struggle, getting Willow back, but it had worked – and it
couldn’t work for Toni which was why she didn’t want the teenager to know. She couldn’t help Toni like that; she felt guilty about it and she didn’t want Toni to see that guilt in her. The girl was so observant she might be able to read it in her expression right now.
In a perfect world there was something that could be done about Toni’s dad. She’d offer and Toni would thank her for it. This wasn’t a perfect world though. Far from it – despite the element of perfection Willow offered to her by her simple presence and love. Tara felt guilty… not about killing this young woman’s father, but because, as things were now, she couldn’t help her get him back. And she felt guilty for thinking that she should hide it… for feeling that she knew what was best for Toni, better than Toni knew herself.
But what would happen if Toni did find out about what had happened to Willow?
Aside from the reaction to what Willow had been and to what Tara had done – a lack of trust after that she was sure - it would tear the girl apart. She was already in about as many pieces as she could be. The awful truth was that there was a way to get her Dad back – it was just next to impossible. Wolfram and Hart wouldn’t help her do it and Tara wouldn’t summon a Vocah if she was able… which she couldn’t. No one in their right mind would ever someone any of the Warrior Lords of the Underworld.
It didn’t get much more deeply dangerous than that.
She felt like such a hypocrite, but…
That whole chapter of their lives was something that remained unknown. Even Rupert and Jenny weren't sure about the ‘how’ of getting Willow back and they’d never asked even though Tara knew that neither of them would have wanted to remain in ignorance given a choice. Tara often thought that they knew it had been… less than pure, but also that they appreciated she would only have done what she had to do. No more and no less. Besides they could see Willow, see the love… They loved her too. It all helped mask what she’d done.
But Toni wouldn’t stop asking if she ever learned what had happened. And rightly so… If things had been reversed. If Toni had managed to get her Dad back a few years ago and now Tara needed to know how she could get Willow back? She wouldn’t ever have stopped asking either.
She’d have taken risks; done anything, to get what she needed.
She’d liked to have thought that she would have accepted the natural order of things… But, she kind of knew better. At least she thought so in abstract theory. In the real world she might have made a different choice.
She didn’t ever want to go there.
Toni couldn’t
ever know. But the girl was perceptive, she saw more than others saw – perhaps because she wasn’t distracted by the noises they were making. Tara just hoped the younger woman couldn’t see the memory she was hiding inside.
She was afraid of memory now? After what she’d done? Perhaps it was fate… perhaps fate had a sense of irony.
But if Toni saw anything at all, there was no sign of it. She barely even seemed to see Tara come through the door. Tara paused, waved a little, half-hearted, wave and waited for some sort of response.
Anything would be good.
Please?
There wasn’t one. Not a twitch once Toni had noticed that she was there.
On the bright side though, even a lack of a response was a response of sorts… It wasn't a ‘get out, get out, get out,’ and that would do for a start. A lack of response suggested that Toni was going to let her come in, if nothing more. That was good – it was a place to begin. For now all Toni really had to do was read.
*Can I sit down?* Tara half signed and half spelt out. A few short weeks with lots of other stuff in wasn't really enough time to get a grip on even basic conversation . She was better at reading sign, with a little guesswork, than she was at trying to ‘speak’ it. Hence all the painstaking finger spelling.
Toni didn’t reply. Of course she might have said it wrong – which would explain that. She hefted the toy ‘puter’ and thumbed the on switch, watching the screen brighten. She heard, rather than saw, Toni sigh in response – which told her she’d probably been dead on with her signs.
It was obvious that Toni didn’t realise how loud a sigh that actually was – and if people didn’t react to it how could she? This time Tara looked up, deliberately responding to the sigh – and in turn she saw Toni react to her gesture. Just a little. She’d know for next time not to be quite so forceful with her sighs. Or rather she’d know just what effect it could have. She might want that effect but at least now she could gauge it better.
Tara struggled to hold the ‘puter level and started typing, managing to avoid hitting the big horsie key by mistake. ‘You okay?’ she typed, holding the screen out to Toni, who didn’t even reach out to steady the ‘puter in Tara’s hand. Her eyes flickered though, and Tara thought that she might have read what was on the screen.
Okay… Tara just sat down on the bed next to Toni, without permission, and finally she got her response, the girl shrank away from her presence. She sat; and Toni moved. Back, sideways, down… anywhere that was away from Tara.
Toni moved away from her.
This time it was Tara’s turn to sigh. Maybe… maybe Willow had been right – maybe it would have been better for she or Jenny to have done this. They’d tried suggesting it, last night and again this morning, but she’d resisted. She’d been the one who’d actually done this to Toni’s ‘dad’ – or finished it at least – she should be the one who faced Toni and answered her questions.
Some of them anyway, not all of it. No, not all. There were things…
Or she could just let her be angry.
The key thing was that she hadn’t wanted to go down into the nest tonight without trying to do this. She wasn’t even sure what she was doing. Making things right? Explaining? Apologising? Telling Toni the way that things were? The way that they had to be? What was she really doing here?
Facing her. That was it. Whatever else she did, she had to face Toni.
Just in case, though she was definitely not planning on it, she didn’t get chance to do it again – for whatever reason.
She wouldn't have done anything different; couldn't have done, but she wanted Toni to know that she cared, that what had happened did matter to her. She hadn’t just killed him and forgotten about it – just because he was a vampire. *Sorry,* she signed, but Toni wasn't looking. She typed it instead, leaving the words on the screen for Toni to read if she chose and stood up again to go.
She didn't mind, though she wished it could have been different. Toni had a right to her feelings. She'd send Willow - Toni liked Willow. She'd thought, hoped, that Toni liked her too - but she'd spoiled that now.
And she couldn’t regret it. She’d said sorry, but it wasn't for doing what she’d had to do.
It had been a while since she’d had to regret killing a vampire. For any reason.
But as she stepped away from the bed, she realised that Toni's hand was holding her skirt. She wasn't trying to pull Tara back, but her arm rose and extended as Tara moved, until it was at its maximum reach. Toni didn't look at her - their eyes didn't meet at all, but Toni didn't want her to go.
Not yet anyway.
Toni didn’t let go of her skirt until she turned back to the bed and sat down again – then the hand disappeared again beneath the covers on Faith's bed. Away from her again. The mixture of the Barbie bed spread and the fourteen-year-old girl who’d slept in it last night was a little bizarre. It was just one of two things that made Tara want to smile – despite what seemed like another rejection.
The other was the fact that Toni hadn’t let her leave and didn’t shrink away when she sat down this time. It was just the hand that disappeared. Tara couldn’t decide which was the reflex… the shrinking or the grabbing of skirt. One of them was something that Toni felt she should do… and the other was her instinctive reaction. Tara knew which she hoped was which.
But she just couldn’t be sure.
Toni didn’t appear to be waiting for her to do or say anything. She was just sitting there, against the headboard, knees pulled up tight, without expecting anything. Not a word. Not an action.
But… to pull her knees in tight she needed that hand… it hadn’t been a rejection. Just a instinctive retreat to self.
Was this girl trying to let her have her say – without telling her?
Well that was okay – it was all that she’d wanted anyway.
‘Not talking?’
She pushed the screen round to show Toni when she’d finished typing. That might have got her somewhere – usually…. Usually Toni would have given her a good-natured dig about never, ever, talking – which was the whole point of asking. Usually. Not now though. It might have been a joke, but it was pretty feeble and, still, an attempt to manipulate a reaction out of Toni.
‘Dumb question huh?’
This was silly - this was what Faith did to Toni, typing and pushing the screen towards her over and over again, waiting for Toni to type a response, before reclaiming her 'puter and starting all over again. With Faith, Toni always took it in good humour But Faith had no choice - she needed to be right up to the keyboard to type as she did, to be able to see and find the letters properly - and she had little arms too.
Tara had a choice.
She sat back on the bed, alongside Toni, pushing back against the headboard. Then she put the toy computer between them where they could both reach it, albeit with a little twisting and awkwardness.
Still no response; either positive or negative, and it had to said that the bed was really rather small. Toni hadn't wanted her to go. That was the important thing. Toni wanted her here for some reason.
There were things that Tara needed to know though – things of which she needed to be sure. Minimums.
‘Would you tell me if you weren’t okay?’
‘Physically okay?’
That was first order of business. She had to make sure Toni hadn't come to any physical harm. She'd been crying - that much was obvious from her swollen, red, eyes. Tara watched her - waiting for some answer to her question. 'We need to know that you're okay,' Tara added the 'we' as a way of making sure that Toni knew it wasn't just her. She might answer the same question from someone else… but Tara was the one who was here now.
But she also wanted Toni to understand it
was her too. She was in ‘we’ too.
Finally a nod. Not really a full nod – but definitely a deliberate movement of the head in an affirmative manner. It would do for now.
‘That’s good,’ Tara typed. ‘Thank you for telling me.’
Toni actually looked at her then, weighing up her expression if Tara was any judge. Thinking back on what she'd typed, she wondered what was going on in Toni's head. Could her words have seemed sarcastic? Text was so dry – so hard to tell what was going on. But she’d really meant it and she hoped that Toni could see that. Just to make sure though... She signed the words… *thank you.* She knew that one.
‘You want anything?’ she typed.
‘Breakfast?’
Still nothing from Toni. You’d have thought that she had to be hungry – but Tara knew how nerves and fear could stop the hunger from knawing at you quite so badly. Adrenaline would do that to you. Make you forget everything else. Maybe she was coming at this from the wrong direction? What if Toni was, in part, afraid of her? Was that what was behind her shrinking away before? She didn’t want to be left alone, but she was still afraid?
She could see how that might have happened, if it had.
‘I’m sorry’ she typed.
On the screen the words all lined up – unbroken by any response. But she’d left an extra space before those last two words. They were isolated and highlighted. Important. And it was those last two words which got her a flicker. Then another flicker as Toni decided what to do.
It was like the door opening just a fraction. Maybe it would get slammed in her face again – but there was a crack there and a chance to tell Toni what she wanted to say.
To explain.
Without getting her nose trapped.
‘I’m sorry that I did what I had to do,’ she started, not really having planned this out. She’d just wanted to say what she felt, not what she thought she
should say. ‘You know what he was, what he would have done – even though he was your Dad.’ Toni didn’t respond to the typed words directly, but Tara was watching her face and she got the impression that there was something going on in there. She though that what she wa seeing was a resigned acceptance of the words on the screen. Or something.
Of course she could be wrong.
‘I couldn’t have let him hurt anyone. Jenny, Willow… Faith. Or you.’
Toni looked away from the screen, but Tara kept typing. It was important to keep going now that she’d begun, to somehow get it all out there. In the open.
‘You wouldn’t have wanted him to hurt anyone, would you?’ She didn’t expect an answer, given Toni’s reactions so far. She knew what that answer was though. She could see it. Toni wanted to be poker-faced. Perhaps she even wanted to blank her – but Tara could see that Toni was well aware of all that she had already typed.
And that she wouldn’t have wanted anyone to be hurt.
Her question had been such that it was impossible to deny he
would have hurt them all if he could have done.
The trouble, Tara supposed, was that Toni hadn’t wanted him to be hurt either at least not until she’d been able to confirm what she and Willow had been telling her about vampires.
‘He wasn't your Dad,’ Tara typed and this time the reaction told her that Toni didn’t, quite, believe it, even after what had happened. Maybe she didn’t want to believe that something could look so like him. Maybe she’d just wanted to believe that he wasn’t really dead – and the vampire had made that more likely. Tara had been through a hundred justifications in her own life, and she had no idea if Toni’s was even one of those. ‘He looked like him, he would have sounded and signed like him – even known stuff about you. But it wasn’t him at all.’
Tara thought that maybe such a definite statement might have resulted in a question – but Toni seemed to be restraining herself. Tara wasn’t really too sure how she felt about that. It was like… Toni appeared to be
trying to resent what she’d done the previous night. Was she doing a good job of it though? Like Willow, Toni didn’t like to do anything badly.
On the one hand that intended resentment was good because it meant that maybe it wasn't how Toni really felt… on the other it might mean that instead Toni felt that she
ought to rage against what had happened, and to take that rage out on Tara. Might that actually become a genuine feeling in the future? She hoped not but it was Toni’s feeling to have whether it did or not.
All she could do was try to explain the way things were. The way they had been. And would be in the future if anything similar ever happened again – which she hoped it never did. She hoped Toni would never be near another vampire, let alone one that wore the face of someone who had previously meant something to her. Who she’d loved.
‘A vampire isn’t the person it was before,’ she explained – not entirely sure in her own mind what they might already have told Toni. If the girl wanted to believe that the ‘person’ she’d killed had really been her Dad – and if she wanted to hold Tara to account for not giving him a chance - then she would do so regardless. Nothing said here would make any difference if that was how Toni felt.
But Tara could try to tell her the truth – no matter what she might be repeating. The truth was always a safer place than a lie. The truth would never catch you out – at least not in a bad way. ‘It’s a demon who steals the body when the soul of that person is gone… it walks and talks, it seems just like the person it used to be. But it isn’t them at all.’
She knew something… else. At least she thought she did. She wondered if it was something that Toni would ask about; knowing that she would have done if she'd been in Toni's place and seen what Tara had just typed. The soul... Her Dad's soul... There was only one question to ask - 'Where did it go?' The answer was something that had come to her while talking to Willow - and had sort of been backed up by the lawyers at Wolfram and Hart when she'd spoken to them about Willow, the real Willow.
It wasn’t a nice truth – even if it wasn't… as bad as it could have been.
Tara knew… she knew that the soul left the body. But it didn’t get to where everyone wanted it to be. Some other reality. If there was a heaven, or something else after death, then the souls of people turned by vampires… Well, they never quite got there – not until the vampire that had stolen their body was destroyed.
Until then they were in limbo. Literally… caught between realities in a ‘place’ that wasn't even a place. It was sheer nothing.
In the absolute sense. There was no time… there was no eye for it to be a blink of. There was no lifetime to measure it by. There was nothing at all. It wasn’t heaven or hell because there was nothing there.
Even if there was a heaven or hell. It was a place
between, a waiting room for souls that had been displaced.
She was hardly going to tell Toni her Dad was in limbo, or at least had been. Not unless she asked and there was no other truthful answer she could give. Better if Toni assumed that any of the religious beliefs she had were true. Tara didn’t know for sure that the ‘facts’ that she had been told were any more accurate than those widely held beliefs. She had no reason to doubt that, at least when you got past the state of limbo, the religious beliefs didn’t hold true… Willow’s perception of that period of non-existence… well her baby hadn’t been in the best of shape when she’d come out of it. There was very little that was memorable about nothingness. Perception, though told truthfully,
might not match any form of reality… and what the lawyers had said wasn’t gospel either. Far from it.
And how could there be a reality to report, when the whole point was there was a lack of reality? It was enough to bake anyone’s noodle.
‘I know it looked like him,’ Tara typed out, ‘but it really wasn't him at all. Because I’m sure your Dad would never have done anything like that. Not to you, not to anyone.’
Tara didn’t leave that open as a question – she didn’t want to make Toni tell her he wouldn’t – because that was self-evident. No kid brought up as well as Toni had a parent who’d do anything like that.
Not unless he became a vampire and… no one really ‘became’ a vampire. A body was just taken over by a demon, which didn’t even pay rent. Murder led to theft led to limbo.
But still Toni didn’t seem inclined to type. She’d twitched, after that last statement, as if she’d been about to reply and then thought better of it for some reason. But it really wasn't the twitch of a person stopping themself from replying… more the twitch, if Tara was any judge at all, of a person who just didn’t know what to say.
‘Still don’t want to talk?’ Tara asked, wishing that Toni would just tell her not to be silly, but knowing it wasn’t going to happen. She couldn’t expect the girl to reassure her.
Toni looked at her, and in those eyes… There was still something that Tara didn’t like to see – but it wasn't burning resentment. Maybe there was some lingering blame, but there wasn’t anger or hatred – not directed at her anyway.
Toni didn’t know what to say – didn’t know if she actually wanted to say anything at all.
At least not to Tara.
Well, that was okay. That wasn’t the worst of results. Better than she’d expected when she came into this room. Toni hadn’t made a single sign. She hadn’t typed a single character. The girl had barely even looked at her – and even that was better than she’d been feared. Better than she’d actually dared to hope for. Tara knew that she’d had no choice last night – she’d done what she had to do. She knew that Toni knew that too – at least on some level. But all the necessity in the world couldn’t make it feel
right to this teenager.
It didn’t even make it right to Tara and she was the one who’d had to do it. She wasn't trying to justify herself to Toni. She didn’t need to do that. There had been no choice after all. But… she supposed she was trying to let Toni find that justification for herself. To let out what she knew was the truth, and allow it to start affecting her reality.
You couldn’t wish something like this away – you just had to see the reality for what it really was. Not what you wished it to be.
Not since Willow had Tara had the slightest regret about killing a vampire – but even then she’d never had to deal with anything like this. When she’d slipped a stake between the ribs of the vampire who’d shared her bed – one that had looked so much like Willow but hadn’t really been her – she knew that she was the only person who cared who was who and what was what.
But this time round, she wasn't the one with the emotional connection. She knew only too well that, with everything inside, her Toni would have been crying out for her Dad, and for the vampire that was all of remained of him. Foremost in thoughts must have been the desire to know if the vampire could be what it had used to be - even a little bit.
Tara understood it – she understood very well indeed because she’d been there. He’d been all that Toni had left. When he was at the door it probably seemed like a dream – everything the girl had wished for.
Maybe it had all been a bad dream and she was waking up.
And then…
It had become a nightmare. Toni knew that. Everything you wished for didn’t make up for the reality of what had walked through that door when Faith had invited him in. That, at least, wouldn’t happen again. Ever. The ritual was done, the ward was already in place and Jenny was going to talk to her daughter – a talk that Tara and Willow would gently reinforce over the next few days and weeks – to stop her placing herself in danger.
Always assuming they came out of tonight okay.
But even if they didn’t then at least the apartment was secured.
Avoiding strangers was no longer enough for Faith, she was clever enough to associate someone who knew Toni, or her Dad or whoever with not being a stranger.
Kids, in general, took an introduction as the removal of the whole stranger status. If someone said who he or she was then how could they be a stranger anymore? When vampires were involved that was even more dangerous. They might not be able to get in, but they couldn’t be allowed to entice Faith, or later Ben, out of the apartment either.
Out was away from people who could help.
But at least they couldn’t get in, if anything went wrong tonight – that would give Jenny a head start and an advantage in what followed. Tara was sure that, if they failed without at least hurting the vampires badly, then Sunnydale was in big trouble. That was why they’d been determined to do the ritual today. She supposed they might have done it anyway… just in case. So at least Jenny would have a safe place to keep the kids.
At least? How many times had that phrase gone through her head? She was thinking terms of ‘at least?’ about one or both of them getting hurt? No. Not quite. But she could feel it welling up inside her – that acceptance of her fate, whatever it might be. Fatalism… was there. Not like before, not like the way she had been a few years ago, before Willow. It hadn’t taken hold of her this time – and the idea of anything happening to Willow made her feel sick, but… she couldn’t deny that it
was there.
In some ways she could understand it, accept it. It was the way that she had to think – to go into a nest. She had to be able accept that she might not walk out… That she might not even accomplish much.
She used to have to accept it. Back when she hadn’t much cared if she’d walk out or not.
Now she
wanted to walk out of there with lots of destroyed vampires behind them. She had so many things to walk out for, more than one of them would be with her in there.
Willow was just the best of them.
But it
was there.
There was a nest that they had to clean out… and once that was done they had to prevent any more of them from being formed. They’d… well, they’d never been taking it easy. They were fitting a lot into their lives. School, hunting… glorious love… but…
Tara couldn’t help thinking that they needed to work with more of a plan. They needed to stop this sort of thing from happening again. From being able to happen. It was what they owed to the people of Sunnydale. It was part of what she owed Toni now – whose father she might even have killed twice.
The first time because she’d allowed this nest to form. The second because she’d stuck a stake in his chest. And both ‘deaths’ had been in front of the girl.
‘I’m sorry,’ she typed again, ‘that you had to see it.’
‘See him. Like that.’
There was still no reply from Toni.
'We're going to help the other people down there tonight,' Tara typed. She needed Toni to know that she and Willow were willing to go down to the place from which she'd escaped, despite her obvious wish that they wouldn't. That they planned to do so this very night. They had to… There were other people down there, maybe even other families. Toni had wanted them helped - just not by putting themselves at risk. Toni had been afraid for them - not wanting them to go… How did she feel now though?
Toni nodded, but didn’t type or sign anything more than that. Even so, it was the most response than Tara provoked so far. Another ‘good’ sign? Perhaps… or perhaps not.
Toni might want her to go down there because she really thought they might get hurt… she might see that as ‘justice’ for what had happened to her Dad. But Tara doubted that very strongly. She thought it was more likely that Toni had just been forced to accept that something had to be done – and that it was she and Willow, along with Rupert, who had to go do that.
There was no other choice. Toni knew it couldn’t be the police now. And she had a reason to want the vampires gone – more of a reason.
Tara pressed the oversized power button and let the toy ‘puter shut itself down, which it did far quicker than Willow’s laptops and computers. Somehow the manufacturers must have realised girls like Faith had little patience.
They might be right – though Willow could be pretty impatient herself when she had to wait for something she wanted.
As the screen flicked off, Toni was looking up at the ceiling, in a classic pose that suggested she was looking for answers from above.
Looking for something.
“Goodbye,” Tara signed. She hadn’t intended to be quite so final – but she hadn’t learned any of the other signs that might mean ‘farewell’ and she didn’t want to start struggling to spell them out – making a mess of it. She wanted their parting to be error free and without misunderstanding…
And still there was that sense, bubbling under the surface that she did want to say ‘goodbye’ just in case it really was. She’d fight against it with every breath, fight to stay with Willow, but there was always a chance. Which was why they’d made sure Miss Kitty had food and a way out to find her way here… Just in case.
Tara stood up to go and once again she found her skirt was caught by Toni’s hand once again. Even as she turned around to look at the girl she felt something being pressed into her free hand and then Toni was that resolute, stony faced, person again. The one who wasn't responding to anything much. She probably didn’t like the idea of she and Willow going down into the nest any more than she did the fact that Tara had killed her Dad.
Even if she’d ‘accepted’ that someone had to.
Tara didn’t look at what she’d been given until she’d left the room and closed the door behind her. It hadn’t been for in there, she’d been able to tell by Toni’s feigned disinterest.
It was a piece of paper… and on it was everything that they’d ever asked Toni for. Everything she’d resisted giving to them for all this time. It was a crude map of the way that Toni remembered things being down there. If Willow could match up that with the sewer plans… Large open chambers would be needed to house all those cages and those should show up in the plans – they were integral to the system.
This was everything that they could have expected from Toni without taking her down there with them.
The girl had changed her mind… And it had to be to do with her Dad and what had happened last night. She’d drawn up this map before Tara had come in to see her. This was what Toni wanted now. To help them?
No.
Not quite. Rather, she could see Toni wanted
their help.
Other than the descriptions on the map, the piece of paper bore just three words. They were written in clear, deliberate print on the reverse of the sketched plan. Three terrible words that Tara knew very well.
She might have said them herself. She had done… once upon a time.
**********************
-------------------------
If I want a little pussy, I got my own to play with.
Chance in
Chance.------------------------
by Cicca » Tue Sep 30, 2003 12:42 am 
Remind me not to eat breakfast when it's time for a Dru and Darla update! You're devilishly creative!
