PancakesinBellies – Hey there. I totally get the contrast between “inner fangirl” and reasonable girl. I think your vague discomfort is more than justified for at least the reasons you cite. It’s very hard not to see the connection between the noblemen and their acts with various servants and Tara and Dani’s making love. Hard to decide what to think of it. Thanks for your thoughts on the writing.
Fin – No problem. I’m glad you’ve been reading even if you haven’t left fb. I love both (of course feedback more than not…). Thanks for your thoughts on the world. I believe it’s unique although it requires some amount of description, you know?
I am intrigued how you will bring Willow and Tara together as equals so they can, as we say 'live happily ever after'.
A darned good question…
Thanks.
idontlikejam – Ok. Your name. You really don’t like jam? Like strongly? Like at the level that I dislike Mustard and peaches? How can that be? I love jam, jelly, preserves, whatever. Not peach flavored of course but like any berry. Yum. I may go eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before posting my update just thinking about it…
Anyway, welcome. I am glad that you’re enjoying the story.
I also feel like Tara's being willfully unperceptive, like there are a few times when I thought she might say something, like ask Willow/Dani if she minded being a servant her whole life and never having free choices but Tara never did.
That’s a really fantastic term: “willfully unperceptive.” I absolutely love it and think that it perfectly describes Tara in a lot of ways. I think that there will be even more of those moments in the next update.
The interesting thing about knowing Dani/Willow is going to leave is not knowing what triggers it because inevitably it will have to offer an insight into her thought processes which we've been denied so far.
Well… yes and no. That’s the type of answer that I guess could make you a little crazy but I can’t really say more.
I also honestly don't believe that WIllow/Dani is bound to Tara because of her own power with magic and noble standing, so that when she leaves she will not have to be released but will find she can go, i dunno, now i'm starting to doubt myself.
I totally appreciate your belief in that and will tell you that it’s not so. Willow/Dani is absolutely bound to Tara in spite of her power and magic. Sorry…
Cool thought about Tara being equally bound. I will update very soon.
Also: your sig. Are you serious about the cup? My wife is like the world’s biggest evangelist about them. She tells like everyone what a wonderful invention it is.
Ok. Working on the update.
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Story Title – Waiting for Dani
Chapter – 10 – I have no idea. Submit a good title for this chapter and I’ll use it and give you credit.
Author – JustSkipIt
Pairing – T/W
Feedback – Yes, please
Spoilers – None
Rating – R
Disclaimer – Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own Willow and Tara and the Buffyverse. I’m not saying this universe is totally original but I didn’t steal it from any author or creator that I know of. No copyright infringement is meant by this fic and I will not make any money from it.
Additional and permanent disclaimer – Yadda yadda. Yadda Yadda. Not comfortable. Power imbalance. Etc.
We were lovers then. Dani and I.
The guests all left the next day, early unless they had further business to attend to. While our celebration had been a grand success, it was widely acknowledged (although not mentioned) that our Estate needed some peace and privacy to recover from hosting such an event and our guests were gracious in leaving early to give us our recovery.
Our lives returned to “normal” immediately and we all resumed our duties or, in the case of myself and Dani, assumed new ones. Donnie returned to traveling on Estate business and was gone for periods of two to three weeks at a time even more so than before my marking. We missed him but he was making good connections on our behalf. He met many eligible noble women and told us of the fun he had dancing or riding with them but we could not detect a special interest in any but M’lissa and his descriptions of her were quite restrained as well. Although Faith occasionally attempted to tease him for his interest and intentions and me over whether I would vacate my title for his future wife, we simply teased her back but did not discuss the topic seriously. My brother, certainly, never broached the topic with me and I was quite happy to leave it so.
Having been released from her studies, Faith took over game stewardship of the entire Estate. Perhaps the appointment was a bit premature but she carried out her responsibilities very well and never disappointed us. She didn’t stray far although she and Dawn would camp overnight from time to time.
Anne was the only one of us children still in study with tutors. Melanie carried ambitions that she might become a Barrister. I can’t say that I shared her hope but it allowed Anne a higher level of education than she previously pursued. More importantly, it kept her from loitering about my rooms all day asking me what I thought of this dress or another or what I thought of Riley. Wasn’t he the smartest? The funniest? The strongest? The most manly man? I hadn’t noticed that he was particularly smart or funny and quite honestly, I had recently concluded that being a manly man would surely count at least two strikes against any potential mate.
I, of course, had eyes only for Dani. While I fully expected to have pressure at some point over my taking a high-born husband, I chose not to dwell on such concerns. I was in love and couldn’t be bothered with interruptions of the sort. Was in love? I
am in love. And at the time I believed her to be equally enthralled with me. The words she never spoke--in fact to this day, has never uttered them. I could have questioned her. Asked if she loved me but she would have said yes or given some other sideways answer. Or… kissed my neck in that spot that she knew would weaken my knees and make me forget such inane doubts. So I quickly learned to avoid questions like that.
Lying awake in bed every once in a while I would convince myself that the true answer to that question could be found in actions rather than words. And her actions, once I initiated our intimacy, were always passionate, committed, and enthusiastic. She was never reserved, never reticent to love or be loved. Again I get ahead of myself in this tale for my doubts, my realizations come only later.
I mean to describe this next period of our life—a period when Dani and I were learning and settling into our relationship in every way. It was quite like I have always imagined the period after marriage would be. When possible many couples take a wedding trip for isolation and freedom from their cares and responsibilities. We took no such trip but the next half a year was very like I imagine that wedding trip would be. Our days were full with the business of the Estate and surrounding villages but our nights were full with each other. To others our relationship must have seemed a usual, if exceedingly close, bound relationship. Dani was absolutely indispensable to me in every way and I told her so constantly. And I don’t mean to imply that we worked all the time. We took many romantic breaks. Long rides became picnics and picnics became a private pleasure for us. We camped overnight, inventing small reasons or just because we felt like it. When I needed to stay in the village fulfilling my responsibilities, Dani was as likely as not to come with me and we um… initiated an array of beds in an array of taverns before returning to our Estate.
I began to have artistry commissions and T’dre was happy for the relief. She had long complained of pains in her hip when she rode long distances and she was glad to have an apprentice to perform some of her duties. That term, apprentice, we only used between ourselves. To others, I was a fully-educated, commissioned artist. But we knew that I still had much to learn from her and I continued to study with her and consult on every design I was to artist. Between my mark-taking and Anne and Faith’s six months hence, I performed four pairs of marks as well as a wedding binding and Doris’s (now called Ursula) freed-servant bond. For some of these trips Dani accompanied me and for others she did not. While I always wanted my girl with me, sometimes the needs of our Estate dictated that she stay at home while I traveled. Once Dawn traveled with me and once Delia.
I’ll say this for Delia. She made me appreciate Anne. If I thought Anne’s inane ramblings about Riley’s manly manliness irritating, Delia made me dizzy and slightly nauseous with her fixation on striking noble and non-noble men. If I never hear another word of who is well-built or who she bets “really knows his stuff…” that will be quite soon enough.
My payments from artisting I could do with what I chose as they were not expected to be returned to the Estate coffers. While it was necessary that I be paid for my work in order to further strengthen the bindings, we had no need for extra cash. I squandered what I could on gifts for those I loved, Dani being chief of course, or food for children I met in the villages. If I happened to return to the castle with coins in my purse, I handed them to Dani with instructions that I wanted no further mention of them.
Our social calendar, while not full, was more lively than it had been in the past. A few times we went to see a traveling performance in town even though the companies generally came to the Estate as well. And we were all invited to an increasing number of balls and gaming parties. There happened to be a great number of nobles our age within a half-day ride and most Estates were eager to show off their hosting skills as well as further social connections. These events were a very good opportunity for young nobles to organize, direct, and execute large gatherings in relatively low-pressure situations. The older generation was conspicuously absent, leaving greater freedom. I was nearly always the only five mark attendee and Dani the only five-mark servant. Sometimes we (Anne, Delia, Faith, Dawn, Donnie, Dale, myself, and Dani or any combination) spent the night at the gathering and others times we rode home, arriving in the dark of night or at daybreak.
So many nights we lay in bed as I praised Dani’s beauty and grace and let her know how I would have rather danced with her than any of my night’s partners and she agreed to the sentiment. And I put my words in writing, drawing pictures of my love or writing her tender poems and then stowing the scrolls in the pockets of her britches or the toes of her boots for her to find as she dressed. I loved to pretend I wasn’t watching her as she found the notes. Each time she got a slow smile as she found the scrap of paper, glanced at it and then hid it quickly in a pocket or concealed it in her hand. Feeling bold, I would slide a drawing of her as she had looked the night before (drawn from memory of course) under her wine goblet and watch the blush spread quickly across her cheeks as she snatched the note to stuff it into her lap. Not infrequently she looked for ways to cause a similar response in me and then leaned over to whisper in my ear. “Are you ok, My Lady?” or “Is it something you ate, My Lady?” The last always serving to make my cheeks burn an even brighter shade. It wasn’t that she failed to address me with proper respect. It was more as if she were alluding to our relationship in my chambers -- relationship in which I was hardly her Lady and she hardly my servant.
Which is not to say that we showed no respect to each other in private. My girl's bowing down to me, which formerly seemed so foreign, was now an inside joke between us. She would give me a sly grin and then whisper that she intended to bow down to me and sinking down to her knees, she would do just that. And our joke was far from one sided. I would tease that I wanted to return the habit or that to me she was my one and only Lady and I the servant of her wishes. And although she initially seemed uncomfortable with my attentions in just that position, she quickly discarded all protests as her hands would clutch at the back of my head or my shoulders and she would eventually cry out my name and quiver with pleasure.
For some while,I thought that Dani had taken up my habit of writing these love notes. I saw in her hand a quill and scroll and she would tuck it away when I came around the corner or from the necessary. And she was forever wiping her fingertips on the cloths we kept around for such a purpose. But no notes arrived and I was first curious and then amused and finally exasperated, thinking she was teasing me. I dropped hints and teased her in return and still no notes appeared in the toes of my new boots nor under my pillow at night. And the more I teased her the more uncomfortable she seemed until I almost wanted to ask her directly what was the meaning of her subterfuge.
After about two weeks of this, my youngest sister came to my rooms one day and requested an audience. I laughed at her formality but invited her in immediately and pointed to a chair. Rather she said that she preferred to stand and proceeded to pace. I had no idea where the conversation was going as she inexplicably referred to Dani’s position. “Your servant can not refuse you anything, Lady Tara.”
I was nothing if not the diplomat and had no wish for our secrets to be held by any but ourselves. “Yes, Faith. That is the meaning of a mark-bound servant. Yours will be bound as well in a few months.” I stepped toward my desk to idly flip through the papers there. “Did you come to remind me of the meaning of a mark-binding?”
Faith began to pace faster as she took a deep breath. “I have not meant to offend you. I … Dani is helping me with a project and … she says that … um… well… your questions make it harder and harder for her keep our project a secret.”
They had a secret project? “Dani knows as do you that she should have no secrets from her Mistress.” I instantly regretted my words. Even Anne would have detected my petty jealousy. And I was not dealing with Anne.
Faith stopped pacing and fixed me with a long look which I couldn’t identify. It could have been confusion or pity or even anger but she quickly retracted it and became impassive. She took a few steps and dropped to one knee in front of me before speaking. “You and your servant are a perfect match in every way.” She stood and shocked me as she gently ran her fingertip along my jaw. She again spoke haltingly. “I… Dani is a much greater writer than I.” She blew out through her nose and when she began to speak again actually blushed as I never knew my sister capable. “I don’t think that Master Stefan would be terribly impressed with my… pathetic notes.”
Only my love and respect for my sister kept me from laughing out loud. “Dani is helping you… write to Master Stefan? Finn?”
Faith pursed her lips. “Yes. Master Stefan Finn.” She began to pace again. “I know that he only has two marks but he’s… he’s not a stuffed shirt like his cousin or like most of the noble men. He … he genuinely enjoys riding, hunting, even dancing.” She looked at me imploringly. “And I think he genuinely likes me.”
I strode across the room and embraced her, kissing her cheeks. “How could he not, my babiest of baby sisters? I couldn’t care over his two marks and can’t see why you should either. He seems a kind and genuine man and his grandmother was a magic user … although…”
“Although?”
I smiled that Faith had taken my teasing. “You aren’t a complete ignoramus. I would think he would like a note from you rather than from Dani once in a while.”
Faith laughed. “She’s just augmenting my efforts.” She lightly punched me in the shoulder. “You should be easier on her with all your suspicions. She’s been hurting over keeping this from you.”
I stiffened at this repeated criticism of my behavior toward my girl. “Dani has been hurting because you enlisted her in your dishonesty rather than coming to me first.”
Faith bowed neatly. “I meant no disrespect, Lady Tara. I only meant to relieve your concerns.”
I shook my head, amazed at how I had lost my composure so easily. “You are right, Faith. Dani deserves more trust from me and I will endeavor to do so more readily in future.” I waved my hand toward the door, dismissing my sister who looked as if she wished to say something further but did not.
For a few minutes I stood in the center of my room attempting to understand the depth of my emotion. Jealousy like this, being unsure of my girl… It was far from acceptable and I simply had to take control of my emotions. I left word with D’elam that I would not be at dinner and easily slipped past the rest of the staff and family. I walked a long time in the gardens before coming to a spot which was one of my favorites for meditation and took a seat under the widest tree.
It was long gone dark when I felt Dani’s energy enter the space but she took a seat and began to meditate as well, not interrupting me. When I finally looked up at her I didn’t know what to say. “I brought your dinner to our rooms, My Lady.”
“Thank you, D’ni.” I reached out to take her hand and pulled myself up onto my knees and closer to her. My hand was shaking as I ran my fingertips through the ends of her hair. “I … I have no power over my emotions where you are concerned.”
Dani took my hand and gently kissed the palm. “What do you fear, Tara?”
I tried to look away but she held my chin steady. “I don’t know what I would do if … “ I felt exasperated at my inability to speak my truth. “I want to be your only… your always…”
She scrunched up her face slightly as if puzzling over my words. Then lifted my hand to her lips again. “You are My Lady.” She began to place feather-light kisses on my fingertips before moving to my palm and wrist. As I lay back, I pulled her with me and we stayed there in that garden for a long wonderful time. One of us cast a spell to let us know if anyone came close and we were not disturbed. Much later she teased, “If I had known you were so hungry, perhaps I would have brought your dinner to the garden.” She giggled and I joined her before fixing her with a playfully admonishing gaze.
“Your language! Do you eat with that mouth?” I feigned outrage as I placed my open hand over my heart in a gesture reminiscent of one T’solde often enacted when dealing with Dawn or Faith.
“Let me show you,” she answered, no less risqué and then …
It was quite late when we returned to my rooms to finally eat that dinner but the time in the garden was well spent indeed.
I would love to say that I continued to mediate on my emotions and that with Dani’s continued comfort, allaying my doubts daily (and nightly) I soon found this jealousy to be a thing of the past. And I could say that.
But it would not be true.
When we attended dances, I found myself on edge throughout for fear that a five-mark man would arrive and the rights he would have over my girl. And I couldn’t even directly admit to myself that the marks-rights would only help a man who wanted Dani in spite of her original inclination. If she saw someone she felt an interest in, noble or servant, free or bound, no marks-rights would have been necessary. I might turn my back to dance and turn back to her absence. I told myself that this would not happen and attempted to be more enlightened—that if it did happen, this would be ok. And Dani spent countless hours attempting to reassure me that she had no interest in such activities and that our passion was all she could ever imagine. But my girl was so beautiful, so elegant, my pride and joy. And there was no doubting that some noble man would see her and want her and… With his marks it would not matter what her interests might be. His wishes would be hers and my world would crash down around my shoulders.
The more I thought of these fears, the worse I slept. I woke in the night in a dead panic, casting my hands about for the warmth of my love’s sleeping body. And my love woke to hold me and pet my hair and whisper that she was mine and mine alone. But I never wanted to share her and I wanted that to be acceptable in our world.
After our Autumn harvest my fears increased and almost reached obsession proportions. Invitations to Anne and Faith’s celebration were not sent out so early as had been mine but this double-marking within a family so well respected as ours was still to be a grand event. I had assigned Anne responsibility of issuing invitations and tracking responses. She felt it necessary to run down the hall and knock at my doors with each and every affirmative which was as irritating as most of her visits but at least it gave me an ongoing report on the celebration. By early December we knew that the Finn Estate would be attending in their grand splendor as well as the LeFleur and Martin estates. The LeFleurs would be bringing their three sons (one marked as of yet) who had stayed at home with various excuses this summer and the Finns no doubt would turn out official dog-washers and shoe polishers for the chance to show off Riley’s prospects. Many of the more senior Lords and Ladies would be staying home, sending younger members of the Estate instead and it indicated even more strongly how well attended my celebration had been.
Still, the prospect of even four five-mark nobles (including my father and Lord Martin who my father claimed would never be a claimant) made me feel as if ice water flowed in my veins. Lord LeFleur had been quite impressed with my girl at the Chest tournament and Lord Finn was well known to enjoy company at gatherings such as these. In defiance of my rank, my mark, and my commitment to my artistry I wanted nothing more than to stand in front of my girl and pronounce her mine and not for anyone else to touch.
Futile fantasies aside, one particular response to the invitation brought me a glimmer of hope. Steward Giles sent by speed messenger a short note to Anne declining her invitation and a much longer letter to my father and I informing us of our grand cousin’s further declining health.
Less than two weeks before Anne and Faith were to take marks, I scheduled an interview with my father. Technically and strictly that request was not required as my rank equaled my father’s. Many would have openly admitted that my rank actually exceeded his given my magic but he was my father and I continued to afford him the respect he deserved in that role as well as being Lord of the Estate. Once we had completed our formalities of greeting and having a pot of tea and biscuits, we gave D’ni and D’rek their leave. We discussed the situation on Maclay East as we had determined to call the struggling Estate and the prospects. My father expressed concern but stated that he had not come up with a plan for the reformation of the Estate at the present. When I proposed personally moving to that Estate and bringing it up to our standards, he masked his surprise but sat quietly for a good ten minutes. I knew my father well enough to know that he was a man who would rather sit and think than speak prematurely and that he was evaluating the suggestion from every angle.
He stood and paced for a few additional minutes before returning to the table. When he spoke he did so very carefully and slowly. “You would leave your home and family and attempt to reform this other Estate?”
“Yes, My Lord.”
“For how long? When would you return?”
“At your will, Lord.”
He stood again and nodded as he thought of this. “It is quite a commitment you propose, Lady Tara. This project could take two to three summers at least, perhaps as long as five or ten. You will miss out on much fun and gaiety as it is quite far from most of our fine neighbors. Society in that area is quite sparse.”
I had certainly thought of this possibility. Quite obviously, this societal isolation was, if not my chief reason, one of my major purposes in the proposal. “I would be willing to make that sacrifice for the sake of our overall Estate, My Lord.”
He nodded a few times. “Let us discuss this further then.”
And discuss we did. Hours passed as D’rek and D’ni brought us a mid-morning snack, then our noon meal, and then joined us in our planning and discussions. It was nearly dinner time when my father declared that we all needed some recreation. We went riding then, with much of our plan in place.
Dani and I would leave, taking with us a small portion of the Estate staff, within a week of the coming mark-binding celebration. Anne bemoaned our leaving both because she would miss us and because she claimed that her “heart literally hurts, literally” for us to miss out on such grand society. Maclay East was, as both father and Anne pointed out, quite isolated from society. I wanted to dance on the tables each time someone mentioned how many balls and parties we would miss out on. I found myself smiling and humming to myself as I roamed the castle for the next week thinking of the freedom I would feel once myself and, more importantly, my girl were away from potential mates.
And how does Doris gain her freedom? By asking for it at the proper ceremony. Which of course made me wonder about Tara's "not this day." Donnie or Faith or Buffy's wedding, perhaps? Would that qualify?
i like the Faith is stealing Buffy's man again senario 
and sending him love notes via Dani's writing skills!
All the wonderful feed back say's it all but the only thing I am going to say is that I a bracing myself for what I fear to come. 
. Still if she is to stay there for years she'll eventually have to produce some results.
) Tara's father came in and he scooped Dani up and hid her behind his back, and he and Tara had a bit of a scene about getting her back... that part just resounded for me because I felt as if it really summed the entire story up in that one little action. They spoke of Dani as a person, but at the same she was a possession. Tara loved her (even then), but how much could she really love her...as much as she could love her pony?
I hope no one took that wrong... if anyone understood it in the first place.)
(someone's probably has asked already...) but will it be possible for Tara to give 'free will' to Dani? 'Cos I don't think Tara would have try to stop Dani from leaving if she believed it's what Dani wants...
