Here you kittens...
Title:
The Sidestep Chronicle – Second Chronicle - Where Lies the Future? (Part 106)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism is always welcome.
katharynrosser@hotmail.com Flames just demonstrate you have a tiny mind.
Spoiler Warning: Pretty limited. The story occurs in an alternate universe as set up in “The Wish” though reference is made to events that occur in both realities. Nothing is referenced that occurs after S5 though. Guess why? Most “spoilers” would be for the first chronicle of this fic rather than the show and if you haven’t read that then much of this will make no sense but you can try and get round it by reading the preface to Part 104 which summarises most of what went before.
Distribution This story was written for Pens. Pens is its home. No archiving off Different Coloured Pens (This applies to all of the Sidestep Chronicle)
Summary: Willow asks a question and gets an answer.
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories. You know the drill.
Rating: R – a general rating for occasional content. Individual parts might be less than this level.
Couples: Tara and Willow forever – others couples as necessary but nothing unconventional.
Notes: Can you spot the issue here? If not you can rest assured I will labour the point in many future parts. It’s my way. Say it over and over until you
get it.Thanks To: All My Brilliant Beta Readers (AMBBR) Kerry (Forrister) and Jo (Wizpup) who for some reason signed right back up for this fic after seeing the size of the last one. No accounting for madness is there. And Celia (TiredSoul) who should have known better but signed up anyway. *HUGS* and Big Thanks to all of you. This is a Celia part. You can tell by the scampering paw marks all over the place. She may be picky, but she’s a scampering fool too and great at spotting what people
could say rather than what I expect them to.
The Sidestep Chronicle – Second Chronicle
Where Lies the Future?
By
Katharyn Rosser
“He’s getting so big,” Tara said to Willow as they walked down the steps from Rupert and Jenny’s apartment, “and that place is getting smaller and smaller now that it’s so full of them all.”
Willow smiled and slipped her hand into that of the woman she loved, clasping it tightly. “I don’t think I noticed it so much because until you said that, I never really saw him as anything but… well, just him. Not big or small – just Ben.” As soon as Tara had said the words, Ben’s change in size had become glaringly obvious to her. Until then…
“Same for me. I think it’s because we see him, them, so often, you know?” Tara observed. “If you look back at Faith you can remember her as a tiny baby and then again as she is now. When I see her in my mind, all the times in between, she’s either really tiny or like she is now. But Ben is… well, he’s just bigger than he was and I never really noticed the changes.”
“A little bigger every day,” Willow observed. “As babies tend to be when they grow. But if you think about it… well, I remember him being really tiny.” Tara’s nod showed that she could do the same. Of course, it really was just a question of thinking about it and being aware of more than the moment. They’d even sat many times before and said ‘how big he is,’ but it was strange how they’d really just come to that awareness again.
“I’m just sorry we missed so much of Faith from being a tiny baby,” Tara mused. “I think that would have been nice to be there for as well.”
“We’ve seen the photos,” Willow reassured her, even though she agreed wholeheartedly with that feeling. Tara had been looking after, helping her reach the point they could fall in love, when Faith had been born. She’d been a few months old by the time they came back to Sunnydale – but since then they hadn’t really missed any of it. They were so close to Faith now the young girl wouldn’t even call either of them ‘Aunty’ anymore - no matter how much Rupert tried to get her to. They were kind of glad about that. ‘Aunty’… that made them both feel old. They were Tara and Willow – much to Rupert’s chagrin. It wasn't quite as respectful as he would have liked.
Still, it was better than ‘Ta-a’ and ‘Illo’ as they had been whilst Faith was finding her way around words. Willow still remembered the first time that Faith had said ‘Ta-a’ to Tara and she remembered the way that the smile had broken over her love’s face. Tara would do
anything for the little girl. She’d even, on very special occasions, allowed herself to be talked into doing tiny little magical tricks by the little girl.
Jenny allowed it, Willow knew it wouldn’t hurt and Tara was always so careful, as well as skilled, but she still always went away filled with guilt at having used the magic for something so trivial. Except now it wasn't the same magic she’d always had to fear the use of. This was a magic that was more natural – totally natural in fact. The things that she did for Faith, such as bringing a flower from a seed in a matter of moments during the most recent birthday celebration, weren’t in any way dangerous. Although that lack of danger didn’t alleviate Tara’s self-guilt.
And this magic didn’t even have a dark side.
So it was okay. If Tara really thought it could be dangerous, then she wouldn’t have done anything like that anywhere near Faith. Instead, plants in the Giles’ household were prone to rapid blooming as Tara manipulated them to amuse the little girl. And bath time, or even just washing up, could see some interesting water sculptures. Faith loved them so much and… well so did Willow when Tara would perform them for her. Bath time could be fun in dorms too.
Willow wasn’t so foolish as to try and attempt Tara’s level of fine control in those areas that her own talent didn’t lie. So she had to ask Tara to share her own bath-time with her and give her a little show. Aside from avoiding earth and water, the magic Willow was most skilled in wasn’t really suitable for trickery and wasn't so harmless as Tara’s could be. Not that her lover wasn't capable of doing damage to the evil things they hunted – she could most definitely do that. But Tara had to be more creative when she wielded control – or made bargains – with the elements of earth and water in order to go on the offensive.
It was in those terms, elementally, that they thought of the aspects of the magic, purely because it was where their respective strengths lay.
Willow’s were connected to fire and air just as much as Tara’s were connected to the other two elements. Between them, their magic as well as their love, they were connected. Complete.
Fire and air… not things that went down well for doing tricks in someone’s home now was it? Besides, there had been that whole incident with the picnic and the lightening storm. The electrically fried bag of chips… all melted and not so pretty. Not to mention coated in burnt plastic. Tara had, silently and with a smile, tutted at her and that tiny, slightly humorous, criticism had carried more weight than a hundred words of caution.
“Photos never tell the whole story,” Tara told her. “I have photos of you… of us… and they don’t show me just how in love we really are.” Photos were great for memories if you were there but they could never tell the story to those who weren’t there. They were a split second and it was very rare that such a small amount of time, even say in a kiss, could show what was truly there at the moment the shutter opened.
Willow grinned at her then leaned in to kiss her. “No, I guess not, but we’ve been there for the last three and half years for Faith… and right from the start with Ben,” Willow reminded her.
“And I guess we see them more than most friends ever do. I mean, at least one of us is there… like every day,” Tara commented and then added, with a smile, “and they’re not even our children.” She laughed.
And there it was.
Not ours, Willow thought. Was now the time to mention that whole subject, now that Tara had given her an opening? She had to be careful if she did. Careful so that Tara didn’t think Willow was thinking ‘now’ in anyway at all. And not even thinking ‘must’ or ‘definite.’ Willow was definitely aiming for ‘maybe’, ‘later’, ‘perhaps’ and ‘years from now.’ It wasn’t like she’d decided on anything herself, but…
But she was also thinking about their future. More than Tara seemed to do except in terms of knowing that they always had one together. Tara always had an eye on them… but Willow knew that she wasn’t seeing anything other than the priorities of hunting, graduating, getting jobs and being in love.
It wasn’t about the future of Sunnydale or Faith or Ben Willow was thinking about now. It was theirs. It wasn’t about hunting vampires or worrying about how they were going to make amends for the things that they’d done in their past.
Just them.
In the future.
Or rather not just them. Maybe anyway. But it wasn’t the sort of thing that you could just decide on in the spur of the moment. Any of the options took years of planning – not to mention saving and preparation. Willow wanted to know that they might… so that one day they could decide that they would… and then it could actually happen in their lifetime.
“Do you ever think about it?” she asked Tara carefully, watching her face without trying to
look as if she was watching her face for clues about what she was thinking.
“What’s that, baby?” Tara asked her without anything other than curiosity flickering over her features. The endearment was just one of those coincidences that happened. As coincidences tended to do. Besides ‘baby’ wasn’t even what Willow was, necessarily thinking - just… maybe… someone else for them to care about. Together. Give the best start to – or maybe not a ‘start’ as such, but the later parts of a start. Sort of between the start and the middle. In life. Maybe.
There were all those options. None of which really occurred to Tara she was sure – at least not in more than an abstract sense.
Willow knew that Tara would never try to hide something from her, but she was a big believer in the first reaction giving a clue to the final answer – even before Tara or anyone else had the chance to think further about anything that they had to consider. It worked more often than not. And it was just a clue she wanted…
And when it was Tara she was looking at – well she’d been watching her love for so long now that she recognised pretty much all the expressions Tara would be having. If she was having one at all. So she’d have to explain. “Maybe a baby…” she said slowly and watched Tara very carefully. She’d been thinking about it for so long that it was kind of a relief to be able to say it aloud.
And she watched Tara.
There was definitely a moment of shock there. “In the future,” Willow added, needing to get the explanation out there quickly before Tara had a chance to answer based on that shock. “Not now. Way, way in the future. But maybe… a baby or a child. Maybe even someone older if we adopted or fostered... I don’t know… but…”
She was willing to offer lots of options. Any options. Mainly because she wanted Tara to at least think about it and also because she didn’t know herself what she might find was the best for them in that future. It wasn't as if she
wanted to be pregnant. Or that she wanted Tara to be. Nor was she keen on the ways of getting pregnant - any of those possibilities – not that she was ruling it out either. But adoption… that was possible too. Maybe just fostering – they’d be able to help more that way perhaps. She just knew that… somehow she wanted to be able to do something… one day. Maybe.
It wasn’t like a definite plan. There wasn’t really a
plan at all. But she wanted to know that they could do that. One day. Maybe... That they could look ahead and say ‘yes, we want to do that.’ Or even ‘we might want to do that.’
But looking at Tara’s face that wasn’t what she saw.
What she saw there was…
---------------------------
No.
No Willow, we can’t do that. We can’t do that to someone else. We can’t do
this to someone else. We have… we have things that we have to do. We have to make amends for the things that we’ve done… or at least what Tara knew she had to. She couldn’t suck someone else into a life that was one as much of obligation and duty as it was love. She didn’t mind that obligation – that duty – because there was a wonderful life that it existed within that. But it was a bigger part than most people would be able to stand.
And it that duty was in a world that most people shouldn’t have to be a part of. She followed through on those obligations so that other people didn’t have to be a part of that world. Didn’t have to come to it in the way she had. And she followed through to make amends for the people who’d got hurt by that world before.
She still felt guilty and even if she hadn’t… she would have if she’d stopped doing what she did. Because if she stopped, if they stopped, then people were going to get hurt and killed. And that would be her fault again. Her decision and choice.
In fact, it was a good thing if Willow had gotten beyond her own perceived guilt. It hadn’t really been Willow after all. But it had been her. It would still be her – if she stopped. She couldn’t stop.
Just because she felt guilty. Well, it wasn’t as if she, herself, was wallowing in it – but she had focus. Tara knew what she had to do in her life. She had to make amends for sure. She had to atone certainly. And that… aside from the teaching thing she wanted to do was going to be… was a dangerous business. Love was her compensation, which was funny because it had been her crime back when it had all gone wrong. It had become so right now but back then hadn’t been the right time to feel. Fate had been fulfilled now - ove was where they were supposed to be – it was where they were.
Willow was one thing. Willow she could protect. Willow could protect herself now. Willow could even help her doing what she had to do.
So did Jenny and Rupert. But…
They chose to do that.
Tara couldn’t think about a future in which she brought someone else into their little part of the world - someone who didn’t have a choice. Into the deadly dangerous place that had gotten people killed before. People had died around her a lot in the past. Tara counted her blessings that those deaths weren’t a continuing feature of her life. Of their life together. How much worse would it be if it were someone they loved? Jenny, Rupert, little Faith… Ben. A child they called their own? Even some fostered child who might just be with them for a short time until whatever problems their family had were sorted out. Whoever it was wouldn’t have a
choice to be a part of their lives and that wasn’t fair.
They could offer so much - she was sure Willow had been thinking about just that and she was sure Willow was right if she was. They had love by the bucket full…
But…
There was the rest of the lives they were living which wasn’t built on friendship, love, studying or – by the time they were talking about – working for a living. There was the nasty, dark, hunting bloodsucking vampires part. That was the part she had to think about.
It wasn’t like she
hadn’t thought about what Willow was, oh so tentatively, suggesting. Of course she had - they were in love – thoughts of their future were expected. They were young and it was the sort of thing that did pop into her mind in those wonderfully romantic moments, hours and, occasionally, even days when nothing else got in the way. But she knew what it would do to Willow if that child… whether it was either of theirs or someone else’s that they were caring for were hurt because of what other things were in their lives, it would crush her. Not just Willow either – it would crush her too.
And even if they got out of the vampire hunting parts of their lives and something still happened… then… there would be more guilt there than just about the person they’d have brought into their family. There were all the other people who’d get drained dry and, if they were lucky, killed. Who would they have to blame then but themselves? Knowing that they were making a difference, but they’d stopped to be… outside of a life that had long since claimed them anyway.
They were fated to be together – in love – and it was wonderful. But they were fated to be together
here. It was here that Tara had to make amends because these were the people that she had allowed to be hurt. She couldn’t change that fate anymore than she could stop loving this beautiful red-haired goddess who was now walking at her side.
And apart from all of that, there was… what would it do to her, personally, if someone she loved were hurt? What if she had to make a choice… between ‘their’ child and Willow? What if she couldn’t choose? What if she didn’t even get the chance to make a choice?
What would that do to her and – because of who she felt she needed to be - to other people?
The last time she’d lost someone in her family she’d left home and gone on a four year tour of destruction – albeit strictly destruction of vampires. She’d risked her sanity, her ability to be a good person, and had so nearly given herself to the very darkness she wanted to fight to try and avenge her family’s murders.
She’d gotten past justice and revenge and now she was pursuing redemption instead. It didn’t matter what her reasons had been then – redemption was where she felt her path lay.
It was better. She’d spent nearly as long there, on that never-ending path to redemption with Willow at her side and in her heart, as she’d spent following justice and revenge to a spot so very close to an even darker place.
They were happy now. They really were. They were getting on with their studies. They were so deeply in love… so happy together… now. Their ‘nows’ were composed of one happy time after another. They had friends too - friends who already had children – which was how this whole conversation had got started.
Hardly a conversation – especially given that she hadn’t
said anything. She just didn’t think she could really tell Willow all the reasons why not and successfully fight off determined Willow-logic. Willow, being Willow, would have an answer for pretty much anything she could say and it would sound logical. It would sound plausible. It would be right from her love’s heart too.
But Tara knew what was right… no matter how much Willow-logic she came up against.
She couldn’t risk the life of someone they’d obviously come to love and treasure, bringing them into the dangerous parts of this world with them. She couldn’t think about what the consequences of that would be and still find a way to say ‘yes.’ Her head told her what to say and she couldn’t listen to her heart which wanted this sort of option for their future so much. She couldn’t. Not for this. She’d always been the one who followed her feelings – that was how she’d survived. Right now though, her feelings were conflicted and this… this was, or would be,
more than anything else had ever been.
Just more.
Right now they were ‘them.’ Her and Willow. What her love was suggesting was bringing another life into ‘them.’ One that wouldn’t have
asked to be a part of their lives. One that wouldn’t know what their lives really were…
Filled with love a part of her argued.
Filled with danger was the obvious counterpart to that. The danger had always been there – she couldn’t see it going away.
People had always died around her. She was sure that Willow wouldn’t – there was the whole ‘fate’ thing and she did her very best to make sure of it anyway – they had fate on their side as well as love. But she couldn’t be sure that someone else in their family… that they could ever be safe as long as they did what they did. Fate wasn’t on the side of anyone else who might be in their lives. The prophecy hadn’t mentioned anyone else.
And she couldn’t stop doing what they did… because to do that would hurt other people. Just because she hadn’t met them… She didn’t have any right to sacrifice their lives just so she could have one of her own.
And the only way to get around that harsh reality was to say…
“No.”
To say that now… before this became something bigger than it could ever really be.
----------------------------
Willow had known it in the long moments before she even heard the word. She’d seen the thoughts flicker over Tara’s face and she’d known just what they meant. What the answer was going to be.
She didn’t know exactly what was in her lover’s thoughts right then, the reasons, and Tara didn’t look like she was about to explain it all. Was she bold enough to ask though? Could she do that? Could she confront Tara over it?
No. ‘Confront’ was the wrong word – an ugly word.
Because really it was a decision that had to come from within - from the heart as well as the head. And if the answer, in Tara’s heart wasn’t ‘yes’ then persuading the head would do her no good at all. Besides, it wasn’t as if it was something that Tara had to want
now. And it wasn't like they were under any big time pressure. Really, Willow thought, time was very much on their side regarding all this.
And that was why she wasn't worried about the ‘no’ as much as the ‘why.’ Maybe just thinking about it for a few years. Maybe that would change one of their minds – one way or another? Not that Willow had even made her mind up anyway. All she’d decided was that she’d like them to have the option… to consider it. To prepare for the possibility they might go ahead. One day.
It didn’t really matter what Tara said now unless what she said now was… Her true feelings regardless of anything else. It was possible Tara just didn’t want… no matter what… No. Willow refused to believe that – she’d seen how close her love was to Faith and Ben. Tara as Mommy… pretty much the most perfect thing in the world.
It didn’t matter what Tara said now.
No. Not at all. They had time to grow even closer than they were now – if it was even possible to do that without being physically attached to each other. They had time… they had time before their future was actually their now - that was the nature of the future. It was always tomorrow and never today.
But the way that Tara had said the word. ‘No.’
It hadn’t been said without thought. She’d watched as Tara had walked besides her, obviously turning it all over in her head. It had been said with altogether too much thought. It was definite. It was Tara’s decision – at least the decision of right now. Decisions could change… minds could change even if hearts didn’t. But it was…
Willow couldn’t quite shake the feeling that it was Tara denying what she saw in their future. Or wanted to see… Have the option to see. Something. About the future certainly. Was this Tara’s view on their future?
Why would she do that? Why did she have to be
so definite now? Why not ‘wait and see’?
Why ‘no’ when she couldn’t believe that Tara
“Coming sweetie?” Tara asked her with her hand held out to her. Willow realised that she’d slowed down so much that she’d almost stopped walking. The fact Tara was so certain. So definite… that was what had stopped her. Time to walk now, she told herself. Time to hold hands. Time for Tara. It was easy to find a smile when she thought of anything to do with Tara. Willow looked at her, a little way ahead of her under the glow of the sun. She tried to put what should have been a conversation, and had turned into a one-word answer, out of her mind and went with the woman she loved back to the room they called home.
One day she’d ask this question and she’d get a very different answer.
-----------------------------
Tara lay in the warm bed and looked over at Willow. Her sweet woman hadn’t said another word about the matter she’d raised after leaving Jenny and Rupert’s. They’d just walked the rest of the way home, taking a slightly circuitous route to build another hunt into that journey, talking and generally being what they were.
In love. In love hunters right then – but mainly in love. The love was the most important thing when all was said and done. Hunting, conversations, vampires and grades were pretty much as nothing next to love.
She couldn’t have discerned anything different about Willow after she’d said the word to her. “No.” And she’d tried. She’d really tried to find if that meant there was something wrong between them without prying and looking at her love’s aura or touching her mind through their connection. The word had come, and would again, from her head and her heart in equal measure… even if both parts of her were conflicted. And there was in each, as there always was, a part of her that wanted to say ‘yes’ to Willow. Not just because it was Willow… but ‘yes’ for it’s own sake. Because she wanted those options too. She did. Thinking of it…
Bliss. But there was too much in the way for that.
Yet, she hadn’t been able to find anything wrong between them. There was a twinge of disappointment perhaps, briefly shown, that Tara hadn’t even wanted to talk about the subject, that she had dismissed it so simply. But nothing had changed. She knew Willow well enough to know when something was really wrong – and nothing at all had changed.
Unless there had been something wrong before because of that matter? Had she missed something there? Maybe nothing had changed because Willow had already known what she’d say, hadn’t said it until now and Tara had never noticed?
She didn’t think so though. They always talked – Willow
would have told her. Except, when Willow had tried to do the talking thing… she’d just said ‘no’ hadn’t she?
And inside - inside herself - something felt different because of uttering that single solitary word.
She didn’t
regret it as such. As she’d laid here with her sleeping lover this past hour and thought about it she couldn’t come to any different answer. She couldn’t see that she could have said anything other than one word – and it had to be that one.
‘No.’
Her head told her and her heart reluctantly confirmed it.
Yes, she’d have loved to have said ‘yes, we’ll think about it… for one day.’ Though she didn’t think she’d done the wrong thing – no matter how often she turned it over in her head. But… even though she hadn’t wanted to face it, she hadn’t been able to shake the wish that Willow
had said something about her refusal – told her just how she felt about that. So that… So that they could have made sure the issue was cleared away and was not going to spoil what they did have… what they could have.
They were in love… they were happy together. They were going to stay that way. If Willow had said she was disappointed, or said it was okay then at least Tara would have
known. Willow hadn’t said anything though.
Not only was their love such a wonderful thing in its own right… but also it helped to keep them safe. It helped to keep everyone safe. Tara was convinced that their happiness was what had brought their respective magical gifts into balance and enabled them to have access to the powers, the safer magics they now practiced.
It was a magic that didn’t lead or push them towards the darkness as it had for Tara before Willow had truly been in her life. How many more people could she have helped if she’d been able to practice this sort of magic from the start? Not having to be afraid of the powers she needed to help people.
And how much would she have destroyed with that kind of power and no balance in her life? Probably nothing because the magic wouldn’t have responded to her anyway. It wouldn’t have allowed her motives back then to be the thing that controlled it. It needed she and Willow to be in balance to work for them. Nothing happened by accident. It wasn’t an accident that it had manifested within her only when she and Willow were in love and she’d been using proper magic for the first time since that blessed day they’d admitted they’d fallen so heavily for each other.
Magically things were better now, she was certain of that. She and Willow made each other complete in every sense. The living, breathing, perfect Willow made her whole, just as she made Willow whole – and the nature of the magic reflected that whole. The oneness of their being and the oneness of nature.
Love and the ability to help people… better than she, or they, ever had before… without risking the lure of the darkness. That was how they’d been able to exist over the last four years. Both of those were so precious that she didn’t want anything to risk either of them. The love most of all, of course, but being able to help people, keep them safe, was what she did. It was what she wanted to do and what she had to do to make up for the time when she… hadn’t done it and should have.
Even after all this time Tara didn’t want anything to get in the way of either of those. She felt it as keenly now as she ever had done.
She certainly didn’t want a dream that could
never come true to get in the way. It couldn’t happen for the very reason that their world was a place that was much darker on the outside. As brightly as their love shone within, the world beyond them and their friends was a place that threatened them all the time and just wasn’t going to stop doing that.
Just the thought of Willow, stood over a child’s coffin… possibly their own child’s… It was more than just a thought, it was a waking nightmare. Creatures, infinite hordes of creatures, wanted to hurt them – and Tara was sure that there was only one thing which could possibly hurt them more than the loss of their child and she wasn't going there either.
She was afraid of it. Terrified in a way that nothing which had ever actually happened to her had ever made her feel.
How could she ever do that to Willow?
And… even if everything went all right… what sort of life could it be for a child where the adults in his or her life were facing danger and dicing with death all the time? Or even just one of them – like if one of them ‘retired’ from the hunt then that was still no life. Sitting up, waiting for the other to come home? It was bad enough now – but… Tara knew it could be worse. Willow would probably have said that Jenny and Rupert seem to manage it, but then… Tara knew that she, both of them, had deliberately chosen to take the strain from Jenny’s husband and the role that the Watcher’s Council had left him with now that he didn’t have a Slayer.
The Council still expected him to protect the people of Sunnydale, Slayer or no Slayer. Hellmouth or no Hellmouth. They gave him no help or consideration. They didn’t even pay him. The thing was that they
knew she was here, probably Willow too – they might even be relying on her to help him out. She wasn't doing it for them though – she was doing it for the whole Giles family and for Sunnydale.
By the Goddess they
were on a Hellmouth. There was no Slayer in this town. There was just Rupert and there was she and there was Willow. There was no Larry, no Daniel. No one else to help him – not even Jenny who really had to stay with Faith and Ben and who had never really been a hunter anyway. There was just she and Willow. They had to help him in his duties to the extent those had became
their duties – and actually he was the one assisting them. He wasn’t a Watcher to them – he was someone who knew things and helped them do what had to be done.
She knew that Jenny realised that as well. Jenny knew very well how involved he had been before and during Faith’s, the other Faith’s, time with them as the Slayer. And she’d already thanked Tara a hundred times for lessening that burden on both of them now they had the kids. As Tara saw it that was what she was there for. She was there to keep things safe, so people like Rupert didn’t have to. Forget the fact he was a Watcher – she owed it to this town.
Because but for her… that other, older, Faith would probably still have been here, keeping Sunnydale safe, and Jenny and Rupert’s daughter would probably have been called Philomena – named for Rupert’s grandmother. Would have been in fact. And there was a fate worse than…
Well joking aside, she’d more than made this rod for her own back. She’d
allowed the vampire that Willow had once, kind of, been to kill Faith – because she couldn’t take a hand and do what was right when it meant killing that Willow. She’d been powerless in the grip of love for
this Willow that lay beside her now –
this Willow that the vampire had been just a pale, inhuman, reflection of.
Faith was gone and Tara had to make good on what everyone had lost in her friend’s death.
Besides a hundred – no, way more than that - other people had been killed by
that Willow back then – just whilst Tara had known her. All because she couldn’t get past the love she’d already felt for
this woman.
This rod for her back fit her perfectly.
She had to make sacrifices – because of what she’d done – so that no one else had to sacrifice, or lose. Even if, just this once, her sacrifice had to be Willow’s as well. This, the possibility of a child, was one thing she just couldn’t see that she could give to her love.
And despite denying that to Willow - making a choice that was bigger than both of them - it fitted within the framework she had to live in. That framework helped her feel better about the past. No, not better – more as if she was doing something about it. Willow was the rock that steadied her in the present. Willow held her in blissful love… right in the here and now. But Tara knew that the past was still pulling at her. She’d broken away from it as much as she could. She’d left revenge far, far behind her… as far behind as she’d left her loneliness. She’d traded in for dedication and love. But the past was always there – it was inescapable. It was part of who she was.
As was being a hunter.
It was
her past.
Not her family’s. Not even Willow’s.
Hers.
Just hers.
That was what she had to make up for. The things that she’d done. They were things that had gotten people
killed. People weren’t here anymore and they could have been. She knew that she could have got more people killed if she’d carried on as she had been and it was Willow, the love of and for Willow, which had pulled her out of that. Willow had brought her to a better place within herself. After that, even if that was all it meant to her – which it wasn’t - she owed Willow the world but this wasn't a decision that could be made because of what she ‘owed’ to Willow.
Because she owed the world almost as much.
Or even because of how much she loved Willow.
Tara moved in the bed, snuggling up to the woman she loved and encouraging Willow, even as she was already long since asleep, to move too. To wrap her in an embrace. Maybe then, like that, she could get to sleep herself.
Sometimes it was so hard to get to sleep.
Sometimes there were things that she couldn’t get out of her head. Images… horrible images… of things that she had to prevent in the future. Things that she had to make up for in the past. People being torn apart by vampires… Willow… something that looked so very like Willow but wasn't her at all… killing Tara’s friend, the Slayer. She still saw that a lot.
You should get some sleep T. You’re thinking way too much.And yeah, sometimes she still heard Faith in her head too. Asleep and awake… But she didn’t mind that. It helped her remember her friend and her unique perspective.
Now… now there was a warm, wonderful, Willow. But the idea of her Willow possibly having to lose a child because her lover was too busy protecting the world to protect her family as she should have done? Or losing
because of who they were? Someone coming after their child, or someone else who was staying with them… just because of what they did, because of the hunting? She knew it was more than possible it was… There was a fair chance it would happen – or an unfair chance.
It could even happen because they’d chosen to stop being who they were now?
The ways that they might lose were endless.
But how could she stop protecting the world to protect her ‘family’ instead?
Before that family even existed?
And how could she just turn it off? How could she ‘tell’ the world to look after itself and not feel every single unexplained – or very much explained – vampire kill wasn’t her fault?
She couldn’t. She couldn’t ever do that.
People needed someone to protect them against the things that they weren’t even aware of, as well as the things that they knew were there. In a better world, the government would do it. That was what people paid taxes for. But in the real world, the government couldn’t defend them. They’d tried – and it wasn't going well for them in Cleveland. Even now, when it was quieter here Cleveland didn’t have a patch on life in Sunnydale. Here, in this town, where she owed a lot to everyone…
She had to do it.
Willow could help, they could keep each other safer that way, and she really tried to minimise what Rupert
had to do. Jenny… she was just helping with the research and between the four of them, they had a good thing going there with the books and the Internet stuff. Sometimes there was the casting of bones too.
None of the others
had to do it though. She’d done it alone before. She could and would do it alone again if she had to – to save them from being in too great a danger.
Alone in the sense of hunting at least… she wasn’t ever going to be alone, or without Willow in her life. That wasn't what she meant at all. She’d fight every creature the Hellmouth could spew out to prevent being without her one true love for any length of time. But there might come a day when she had to protect people all by herself, and she was always ready for that.
The burden was hers. No one else’s. What they did for her - her lover and her friends - to help with the hunting and give her a break was just a wonderful bonus to the love and the friendship they gave unconditionally to her and she reciprocated in kind. And that was something, from time to time, which worried her a lot. What if one of them got hurt doing her job? Badly hurt?
But they willingly accepted the risk. That was the difference between them and what Willow was talking about.
The only person, in the world, who also
had to shoulder that burden was the Slayer, wherever she was now. Funnily enough she hadn’t been given a choice either – but then she
was the Slayer. Wesley Wyndham-Price and his precious Council of Watchers kept her moving around and no one was telling Rupert anything about what she was achieving. Rupert just expected to find out when she was gone – or if they came to town – apart from that it had never been another Watcher’s business what the Slayer was doing. She wasn't, from the Council’s point of view,
his Slayer so he didn’t need to know anything.
They didn’t quite trust him so much now because he was so clearly on her side – even after their last Slayer had been killed in an incident involving her. They used him, asked him for reports – and expected him to protect Sunnydale. They might even have expected him to get her to help him. But they didn’t trust him because he’d violated their orders by standing by her. Eventually anyway. Once they’d come back to Sunnydale. In theory he should have killed her. She was glad he hadn’t. The upshot of it was that she was the one that had to protect the people of this town against the creatures that were drawn to the energy of the Hellmouth. Or that came up out of it… Goddess forbid that should ever happen. The Council would never assign him another Slayer.
She had to do it… because, by her own measures, she’d failed in the past. She’d allowed people to die so that she could avoid killing one vampire. One vampire who’d been special to her only because she was all there was of this woman beside her now. And then it had turned out that it wouldn’t have mattered when she’d finally staked that undead shadow of Willow anyway. She could have done it the day that they’d met in that alley and it wouldn’t have made any difference to the ritual that brought her back.
She’d still have been able to get this Willow, the Willow that she’d now teased into holding her in bed, back anyway.
Not that she’d known that then, nor would she have become as close to the dream of a living Willow as she had been when she asked Lilah to help her bring the real Willow back - but that time thing was important. It was key. People were dead. Relatives were bereaved. Children were orphaned and generations of people who might have been in the future… weren’t.
All because she’d been selfish.
She couldn’t be selfish again.
Not even for Willow.
Especially not for Willow because for Willow she wanted to do
anything her love wanted. If she gave in to those desires to give again…
Saying ‘yes’ to her love would have been the cruellest thing though. Giving Willow cause to think more and more about it. She knew how her lover’s mind worked. She’d think about it, for years and years in this case, and it would become more and more important to her to get a final, definitive ‘yes’ out of Tara – even if it wasn’t what she truly wanted.
And then Tara would still have to confront her with the reality that it just wasn’t safe for them to do it. That any child born, or who came to live with them, might find him or herself to possibly face a terrible fate. Being left alone. Losing one of them… Dying. Or someone else would. Alongside that… how could she work, hunt
and spend enough time with that child? She’d be at work all day in a job she wanted because it helped people too… and then heading out after dinner to hunt.
She’d never see someone who came to be with them – through whatever manner.
It would be tough enough to find the time she wanted to spend with Willow. But a child as well…? By virtue of the fact that she was the one who
had to hunt, she’d be leaving the burden on her lover and depriving the child of the evidence of the love she knew she’d feel and that wasn't fair to any of them either.
Her answer…
She just couldn’t see a way past it being ‘no.’ The world was… It wasn't big headed to know that the world needed her to be who she was just now. A protector of sorts and also Willow’s woman. More than that… well, there wasn’t really a place for more.
No matter how much she might have wanted it.
--------------------------
‘No.’
That was what Tara had said. ‘No.’
The one thing that Willow certainly knew about that word was that Tara had only said it because she felt, in her heart and in her head, that it was the best thing for them. It was all she could have said and still have been true to their love as well as to herself.
Sunlight dappled the bed as it shone through the gaps in the curtains, and where the gathers were, the ceiling was similarly adorned. Willow lay and looked up at them rippling on the ceiling as trees moved outside – it must have been a breezy morning out there. Tara was breathing softly beside her as she slept on. She must be sleepy girl this morning – or perhaps not sleepy girl last night. Her love had definitely been awake when Willow dropped off as her hair was stroked.
She liked her hair being stroked and Tara knew it would put her to sleep.
Tara’s reasons would be, no doubt, the best, the most reasonable, that anyone could ever have had for saying ‘No’ to something like that. And without even discussing it. Just because they hadn’t discussed it didn’t make Tara’s answer wrong. They would be very, very good reasons. Willow was sure of it.
And that was why Willow hadn’t been able to turn it into a discussion then and there. Because how could she match a gut feeling of what would be good for them, for their future, against the harsh reality of the world that they lived in now… and the past that Tara felt she had to make up for? Those
were the reasons. They were the reason for so much of what Tara did and wanted.
Or didn’t want in this case.
Or wanted… but thought she couldn’t have.
Willow knew all about that past… and she didn’t quite agree that Tara, either of them really, had to spend the rest of their lives making up for some things that weren’t really their fault at all. People made mistakes… bad mistakes… but then they carried on living their lives. Making up for things was good… but it wasn’t everything, was it?
How long did correcting that past have to be the totality of their future? A future where they were together of course, and happy in the ‘now’ as it would be then – but not able to look forward to a time when things might be a little different. When they could make things different – if they wanted to.
She knew that she couldn’t let
that part of it go.
If Tara had even thought about it, discussed it and then still said ‘no’… Well, that would have been fine. Disappointing but fine. But she hadn’t. She’d dismissed it as an idea – probably for the finest, noblest reasons that there could ever be. Reasons that were, inevitably, devoid of selfishness and full of responsibility for everything that wasn’t hers to be responsible for.
But what did that say about where
they were going? Whether there was a child, a foster kid, an adoption or not didn’t really even matter alongside the way that Tara was thinking about the future. Or not doing as it happened to be.
Forget the question she’d asked, what did this say about how Tara looked at the future?
Wherever it was, it would always be together. Willow knew that. But was their future, as it seemed to stand now, all that it could be? Should be?
All that was fated for them?
********************
-------------------------
If I want a little pussy, I got my own to play with.
Chance in
Chance.------------------------
by Cicca » Tue Jun 17, 2003 1:00 am 
I did develop a sense for "update day". 
Though I am curious which parts of your anatomy you're protecting 
the 
or kiss the geek
*perks up*
I'm trying to remind myself that she has a lot of happiness in her life, but there's such a huge weight on her. 
.
That reallywasa great update.
From now on when I eat chicken I can say I'm helping to keep the world safe from the evil chickens 
