allyson12 - Right there with them... okaaay... if that is what does it for you*S* Thanks.
the Big I T - Had Willow kissed her. I vote no, but then you take what you find from this like anything else. There is a reason for voting no but there is no "right" answer. And yes the glimmer is glowing so much that... well read the part below.
Celia - LOL watch out for those holes, you know they can be dangerous. Can you fight fate? No, probably not - but you can give it a good kick.
It was interesting to write their reaction to the dreams. You would have expected them to be the other way around - Willow thinking alot - but it is not so much of an issue for Willow as it is for Tara.
Why her 33rd Birthday? I think the question is why not? I just wanted to be able to say "over a decade ago."
That's it!
Thanks.
Part 88 is below. And yes, as promised the "Couples Summary" has something different in (thanks Paul!) but... not at the start of it.
Katharyn
-------------
Title:
The Sidestep Chronicle – One (Part 88)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome.
katharynrosser@hotmail.comSpoiler Warning: Pretty limited. The story occurs in an alternate universe though reference is made to events that occur in both realities.
Summary: Finally we are there.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: 15
Couples: Yes… what of it ?
Notes: This is supposed to special. I hope that it is. The title is from the U2 song… but don’t link that back to the words.
Thanks To: Thanks to Kerry for her usual sterling job, Mariacomet who had something to say about all this some time ago, Louise for the world, Chewster for a another opinion and the line from “Space Above and Beyond”, Jo - just for being. Xita – all will be well hun.
The Sidestep Chronicle
One
By
Katharyn Rosser
It should really have been so good, shouldn’t it? Next to the obvious, this was just about all she’d wanted for her friend, but in a different context it meant something that she didn’t really want to think about.
It was funny how, even though she didn’t want to think about it, she’d been sitting here for most of the day doing just that. She’d never had too much willpower when it came to things like this. Killing vampires – she’d dedicated herself to that for five years, a large part of her life, and she’d been determined as well as dedicated. Putting thoughts and feelings aside as necessary to get the job done. To bring justice for the unspeakable crimes those creatures perpetrated.
But this… when it came to Willow, she’d never had the willpower. Not to ignore the dreams she’d been having before she ever went to Sunnydale. Not to do what she should have about the vampire that she’d found there. And not to stop thinking about this now. What this would mean.
The news in the letter wasn’t about Willow at all. Willow wasn’t mentioned. The person who’d written that letter, her friend, probably didn’t even know that Willow, the real Willow, was back and with her here. Maybe she would have known that the vampire with that name was no longer in Sunnydale. Maybe…
It was just the simple fact that the letter had got here at all that changed everything. Got to her.
No one was supposed to know where she was. No one was supposed to know where
they were which was more important. She was sort of glad, in one way, that she’d received the letter from Jenny. She’d wanted to know how her friend was, how Sunnydale was, and yes if she had been forgiven for what she had allowed to happen. At least by Jenny who was the one that mattered there – Mr Giles, she was sure, would never forgive her for what happened to Faith.
Jenny hadn’t mentioned forgiveness… but the mere fact that she was writing a friendly letter. That was a sign. Surely?
She knew all of that now. About all that. And it sort of made her happy.
It made her sad too.
Because if a high school computer-science teacher, no matter how many things she might have hacked into for her fiancé, could find her then so could Wolfram and Hart who had much greater resources. She’d thought that they might be safe here… hidden away in the middle of nowhere. Far from L.A. Far from Sunnydale. But she had to admit she knew that she’d been leaving a trail. She had avoided using the credit card locally, but there were definitely signs that pointed here.
The power company alone…
She’d worried at first about a team from Wolfram and Hart crashing through the front door shortly after the letter. Maybe not even letting her get back to the house from the mail box. Taking her from Willow. She’d been almost frantic. As if somehow they were tied together – the letter and the bad that might follow it to them. But it was just Jenny that knew, at least right now. Had she given the teacher some clue as to her intended destination when she had dropped off Miss Kitty? The note that she’d left hadn’t said anything that should have given them away – she was pretty sure of that. Jenny had already agreed to look after the young cat if Tara had to go away for any reason. She’d said that months before she actually needed to do that. Tara hadn’t wanted to face Jenny though, not then, not with the remains of the vampire that Willow had been in a canister. So she’d left Miss Kitty, all the cat food that she had, some money, a note and she’d gone to L.A.
She’d never gone back to Sunnydale. She couldn’t afford to. It was too dangerous. Not just to pick up Miss Kitty…
They couldn’t afford to. Willow was a constant factor in all of her decisions. She had been thinking for two since that day. Since she’d cheated Wolfram and Hart out of Willow and she’d been absolutely sure that they would want her back. And she’d been absolutely sure, earlier today, that Jenny finding her was a sign that Wolfram and Hart were going to do the very same thing – or at least be able to do the same thing. Perhaps hiding here hadn’t been hiding at all. Maybe she’d always known that. But it
had been a place that she’d known was suitable – a place where she could look after Willow and where she could defend them if she had to.
Where they could escape outside and not expect to be found easily.
It had been months now and no one had ever come for them. There had never been a sign that they even knew where they were – none of the observation teams that Lilah had eventually confessed were working for her in Sunnydale. And Tara
had looked for them. She’d been looking all the time. At least…
At least until she’d felt safer… and then she had to admit that she’d stopped looking so carefully. Then this letter arrived from Jenny and she knew that Wolfram and Hart could have found her if they wanted to. Found them. At any time. They’d never been safe.
Surely Jenny couldn’t just have guessed right? There was a chance that, maybe, the teacher had just sent the letter here to the house on the off-chance that it might get forwarded or be there if Tara ever go back to her childhood home. It was only news that the teacher had sent anyway… no response was expected or asked for. Tara intended to respond though.
Even if that confirmed just where she, if not Willow, was. Could she tell Jenny about Willow? Maybe she had to…
Wolfram and Hart would have thought the same way about tracking her as Jenny had, surely? They would have tried the house. If… if they’d had the record of it.
They could have found them. If they had wanted to they really could have found them and probably a lot quicker than Jenny had. She might have destroyed the files, but the address of the Maclay family wouldn’t be that hard to track down. Not for them.
That had led her to another thought that was both better and worse. If they
were that easy to find and still no one had come for them then it really was
safe. It had to be… that must be it. It must actually be safe for them. She and Willow. Wolfram and Hart really had got what they wanted from what she’d done – even if Lilah hadn’t. But Lilah didn’t remember what had happened – Tara had seen to that herself.
Wolfram and Hart didn’t want them. And safe meant…. They could… Willow could…
Tara didn’t want her to.
But Willow
could…
Go.
She had, in the last few days since she’d had that dream, been trying to find the happy medium for them. She’d woken up from it knowing that she had to change what she was doing. Otherwise she knew that she was going to drive Willow away from her. Since then she’d been trying to let herself show that Willow
could stay without actually ‘campaigning’ for that to be the outcome. She didn’t want to express a preference because gratitude, or pleasing Tara, could never be Willow’s motivation for staying here with her. Nor could fear of the dangers outside be the reason. Willow had her own choices to make, and her friend had been making them. Willow had chosen to get her education going again for example, so she had been making choices for a while now… but this was the big choice.
Big to Tara at least – Willow might not have even given it a second thought and that was a choice in itself. A valid one Tara had to admit now.
When Willow could make
the choice then she really was ready to go.
Willow was so much better now, she was probably as close to being the Willow that she had been as she was ever likely to be. The Willow who’d had her life taken away from her by a monster. The life that Tara had given her back five years later.
She didn’t mention that much. Gratitude couldn’t be the thing… because it would fade. Even when Willow did thank her for it, she moved the topic along as quickly as was polite. She didn’t want gratitude to be going round in Willow’s head.
Especially as Willow couldn’t know why she had even done it.
Willow was close to being that young woman she had been – but she would always know what else had happened – she would always remember the vampire and what the vampire had done. She would always remember what Tara had done… with the vampire. Willow seemed to feel guilty about that. But that couldn’t be the reason either.
It all meant that Willow would never quite be the woman she would have been otherwise. But this was the
real Willow that was living in her house – their house as Tara tended to think of it now. This was the Willow that Tara had fallen in love with in her dreams and in her heart. This was the Willow that she’d loved – forever. Tara had always known who that was – inside she had. She’d always felt her there. Willow was now… Willow.
Safe and better. Able to go whenever she was ready to do that.
Everything said that Willow could go… perhaps even
should go - for her own good. Willow was so much better now… it didn’t appear that Wolfram and Hart were after her anymore… and even if they were… well they would surely come to Tara rather than Willow. If, say, Willow went back to Sunnydale… well if they were going to check there then that would have been done long ago.
Tara could be the distraction that kept them from finding Willow. She could… she could go back out on the road. To all the cities. What would there be here for her when Willow left anyway? Not much. Not much at all. She could still do some good out there – even if she had promised herself that she was going to stop… she could still do good. There were still monsters out there for her to fight.
So many monsters.
And she wouldn’t become one because she would always be Willow’s friend… There would always be that. And she could be a friend by making herself obvious – so that they would come after her and not Willow.
But the dream… the dream. If she pushed Willow out of here, either before she was ready or before she wanted to go - the dream had told her that was a bad thing. It might not be as safe as she thought. Or Willow might hate her for it. Then where would she be? Absolutely alone. Not even a friend left in the world.
Not even a little black and white cat to call her own anymore.
Not even a monster to call her own.
So alone. So tired, so quickly. She would… she would probably be dead inside a year. She wasn’t sure that she could go on for longer than that. If she was lucky… maybe eighteen months or even two years. But no longer than that. There was no way that she could last longer, alone, than that. Not anymore – not without risking the darkness.
Becoming worse than the things she despised.
She could distract them from Willow if she had to though. She could leave deliberate clues about her location. She couldn’t go to then to bargain for Willow’s life – not after how she had made Lilah feel about her, so she would have to distract them. Lilah wouldn’t remember her own request to Tara. Not anymore. But she would lay a false trail for them… if they even cared. And if they didn’t… well she could still do good out there.
Someone needed to and she’d allowed Faith… the person who had been doing good… to die. It was sort of fitting that she might try and take over some of that.
It was better to be doing good than to be alone in this big old house doing nothing. Surely that was true? Though… what about the thoughts that she’d had of a
real life? With Willow here, it had been easier to think of a future that might include a job. Friends. She could have gone to college… she’d been thinking that.
But they were pipedreams really. Without Willow… No, without any choice.
What if Willow didn’t want to go though? She couldn’t push her away. Wouldn’t. That was the choice. The choice was the key to it all. The choice was the chance that she had always wanted for Willow. The chance to have choices – that was what life was. Choices. They didn’t have to be good choices… but they were choices all the same.
Choice or chance.
Tara wouldn’t push her away. But she wasn’t going to fight to hold onto Willow either – even if that was what her heart demanded of her. Her head said ‘tell her to go.’ Her heart said ‘never, ever, let her go.’ Her heart knew that Willow might have to go… and her head still knew that without Willow there really wasn't much out there for her but the monsters. With Willow there was the entire world. Without her…
And so she would take the middle ground. Neither pushing nor holding. It was a tricky proposition. Willow had to feel that she was wanted, that she could stay… but also that she could go and that would be all right too. That she didn’t have to feel guilty if that was what she chose to do. That it was her life. Her choice. Her chance.
Even if the latter choice would tear Tara apart.
She could get Willow to stay, just for a little longer, by doing nothing. By not telling her that it was ‘safe.’ Then Willow would stay and it would put things off for a little while longer. But Tara knew that once she started down the road of not offering Willow her options – her chance – then there would be another ‘just a little longer’ and another. And another. Until eventually Willow would realise what she was doing and then she would resent it. Willow wouldn’t be able to trust her. Willow would hate her for denying her the choices.
No.
Right now… if Willow left tomorrow then Tara knew that she would always have a friend for the rest of her life. Always a friend. If she delayed it over and over again then one day Willow would hate her for it. Hiding things, not giving her the choice was the wrong thing to do and Tara had long since promised herself that the ‘wrong thing’ was the thing that she could no longer do. She’d allowed way too many wrong things to happen in her life… no more. Besides, Willow hating her was more than she thought she could ever bear.
Being left alone was one thing, but being hated by the woman that she loved. Despised for hiding things from her… no.
No.
Never.
She loved Willow and she wasn't going to do anything that denied her the chance to make her own informed choice about this. She wasn’t even sure that there was a choice for Willow to make. Maybe Willow wanted to go… it wasn't like she was chomping at the bit to get away or anything – but maybe she thought that one day it would be nice to be able to go back out into the world.
Maybe she thought that day might be sooner rather than later?
On the other hand, maybe Willow had a desire to stay? They were getting on so well and they were really all that each other had in the world. There was nothing else there for either of them. They were comfy. They were good friends.
“But friends don’t lie to each other Tara,” Daddy told her.
“Big Daddy Maclay, I keep telling you to button it. She hasn’t lied yet and they do it all the time.”
She could always rely on Faith to bend the moral code she chose to live by and still have it make some sort of sense to her.
And even if Willow wanted to stay with her friend, could there ever be anything more than that? But if Willow stayed… as a friend… Tara knew that she could be happy with that. If it was Willow’s choice. Willow’s choice was what mattered.
She had no idea what Willow really wanted. There were probably signs, but they were conflicting ones if they were even there. Willow loved the idea of the world outside she had discovered whilst educating herself… but Willow also seemed to love being around her too.
Not just like that time, Willow seemed to feel like she did about it. She loved it.
It was confusing.
Tara had never been very good at reading signs like that – maybe because she’d never had to in her whole life.
Would she stay or would she go? And how the heck was Tara going to tell Willow that she thought that the other woman was ready to decide?
-----------------------
Willow put the last of the dishes in the cupboard and wondered again what exactly Tara was doing. Dinner had been a lonely affair tonight. Actually there had been no affair at all – nope. No affairs for Willow. She had to admit to herself that she was worried about her friend. This… this strange behaviour, just wasn't like Tara. Of course it wasn't like her, that was what made it strange. If it
had been like her then it wouldn’t have been strange – it would have been normal and Willow wouldn’t have had to worry about it.
It would have been nicer not to have to worry about it, but now that she was worried she wanted to resolve the problem. Now she just needed to know what it was that was bothering Tara.
And why she hasn’t told me.They’d pretty much always talked about their problems with each other… they’d never brooded. And that was what she thought Tara was doing. She was sitting in that room and brooding. Thinking with brood very much in the mix.
Willow couldn’t think that anything had been wrong until later in the morning. They’d got up a little later today and everything had been absolutely fine… until Tara had gone out to get the mail. The box was a little way off at the side of the road so it was a fair walk to collect it, better now than in the winter though – and there was always the view to enjoy. Willow knew, from going with her in the past, that Tara liked to read the mail as she came back to the house. They could pretty much bet that it was usually going to be just junk mail and bills. No one knew that they were here to send them letters or anything else that was personal.
There was almost no one that they wanted to hear from anyway.
And since Tara had come back into the house she had sort of been missing. Okay not missing as in actually lost because Willow knew exactly where she was, but still ‘missing’ somehow. She was sat in what had been her old bedroom. Not the room that they now shared, but Tara’s actual own room from when she had lived here before. She was sitting in the chair by the window. Every time that Willow had checked on her, Tara had just been sitting in that chair. Hours had passed and she would come out to get a drink or to go to the bathroom or something but she always went back. She even spoke a little to Willow. Those movements suggested that it wasn’t a total collapse of will of anything… but it was pretty serious.
It had to be.
And Tara hadn’t told her what was wrong. She hadn’t let her help. Willow
wanted to help.
Tara had barely said a word to her since coming back in though – whilst earlier in the morning she had been laughing and seemed happy. And when the, now, quiet woman looked at her… well it looked as though there was something that she should know. Or something that affected her in the letter – and it must have been the letter. A letter that Tara had not put down. She didn’t leave it in the room when she left, she carried it with her. As if she was afraid that Willow might go and read it – which she would never do. Not if it was private to Tara.
Willow would look into the room, Tara would clasp the paper to herself and give Willow a little smile. But try as Tara might Willow couldn’t help thinking that it was a sad smile. Hours had passed, most of the day, lunch and dinner had come and gone with Tara nibbling on sandwiches Willow had made for her.
Willow wanted to know just what it was that Tara couldn’t come to her with.
So there was something in that letter. That multi-page letter that was driving her pretty much insane with curiosity. But she wouldn’t press… or peek. No one knew where they were though… no one would write
either of them a letter. Not like that. Unless… unless it was from the lawyers. Surely they wouldn’t just send a letter though? They would, if they wanted to, just come for them. With no warning. Or if they just wanted one of them then they would just take that one and leave the other one all alone.
Willow really didn’t want to think about them being split up like that - that consequence she liked even less than the actual idea of the lawyers getting their hands on them. Tara had told her all about the lawyers and so she was going to go way out on a limb and call them a bad thing. A bad, bad thing which she wanted nothing to do with.
Even if they had brought her back.
She knew what Tara had offered to the lawyers to bring her back. She’d offered them pretty much everything – just for Willow to have her chance. And then… then Tara had refused to provide her end of the agreement. Sure that was complicated by the whole Lilah thing, but… they had to be worried about what the lawyers might think was theirs. And what they would do to claim that.
But it was months… surely no one was going to come along now and take one or both of them – split them up.
Split up? Ever since that dream a few nights ago that was a prospect that sort of gave her the wiggins – or at least a definite chill. She was all that Tara had. Tara was all that she had. If each of them only had each other then why the heck would they let that come to an end? Some things might happen – like the lawyers – that gave them no choice. But as long as they had a choice? No. Willow was resolved to not letting that happen.
But now, today, Tara was worrying her. It wasn't as if Tara was looking either afraid or guilty… Tara didn’t have a secret that was going to hurt Willow, or something that she had to know – Tara just had something that was making her all resigned and sad girl. That was what Tara’s expressive face said to her when she looked in on her. She would usually have thought of it as ‘wonderfully expressive’ but… what was there that was wonderful about it now?
Resigned and sad – that was it. She’d been in there to offer food and drinks, she had stood at the door because that room was really Tara’s own space – and her friend must have chosen to go in
there for a reason. And that reason was pretty much to have that space – away from anyone else - unless Willow missed her guess. She wasn't going to go on in there like some sort of big hippo and take all of that space up now was she? Crowding and pushing. Tara wanted space – well she could have some space. Willow just made it known that she was on the edge of that space, looking across the space… and the space didn’t seem as big when she did. She felt close to Tara because she could still feel Tara.
She could feel Tara inside her. She looked at Tara and it was like it built a link between them that persisted even after she had left the room. She could feel that Tara was sad. And she didn’t know why. Willow wanted to know why. Knowing things was for the best. But she wasn't going to ask… space remember? Tara needed her space.
Space… with a way back out of that space. That was what she was giving Tara. She’d suggested games of Go Fish – without pushing, because she wouldn’t. Tara hadn’t been interested, but playing the game wasn't the point. The point was that Tara knew that she wanted her to come back from the space and be with her. When she was ready – there was no harm in her knowing that Willow would like it if that was sooner. That was what she wanted… and then she would help Tara, just as Tara had been helping her.
They would sort it out, the letter and its contents, together.
They would if Tara would tell her about it.
Not even an offer for the continuation of the Connect Four championships had worked, which didn’t upset Willow, she’d won it by quite a margin which was kind of embarrassing. Before she had been studying so much there had been a best of two hundred and fifty thing going on and the games had got, if they could ever have been said to be so, quite brutal. The way the plastic counter clunked into the rack… that was a sound that she never wanted to hear again in anger.
Not that Tara had been anything but amused by the whole thing. Willow… Willow had rediscovered her competitive spirit whilst they had been playing that. Every game lost to Tara – her best friend – was a travesty and then the thunking had begun. She could laugh about it now, and Tara had always enjoyed it, but Willow hadn’t much liked the person that she had become then – when she lost a game – she had been self-berating girl clunking the counters. She found herself getting angry that she lost – not angry with Tara for winning, but angry with herself for losing. And she hated feeling like that. In hindsight she supposed that it was a little insulting to think that Tara couldn’t have beaten her – rather than her actually losing it herself. She realized that it was only a game, but occasionally it seemed like she was playing for a world championship rather than just a friendly contest. Perhaps it was just that at the time it was one of the few challenges she faced in her life and she wanted to win.
Maybe Tara had been letting her win… No, that wouldn’t be something that Tara would want to do at all. To Tara, letting her friend win was going to be something akin to cheating her out of actually playing the game.
Tara didn’t cheat.
They’d faced all of the nightmares together and they had got past them all. They’d sorted out nearly all of the problems that they’d had when they came here. They had become friends, good friends. Fast friends – even though they weren’t running around. She felt closer to Tara now than she could ever remember being to Xander and that was saying such a lot… perhaps because she had always known Xander. Perhaps that was something to do with it. With Xander they’d got to know each other over years of shared experiences together. They’d always had that shared history. With Tara it was all there in a rush. In their face in one short period of a few months…
It seemed to Willow to have brought them closer together. And hey, they had history too… bad history, but it was still history. Or at least Tara did… Willow knew Tara way better now than she had, well, before. But she knew different things about her. The vampire had been so… fixated on the Kitty that she had never stopped to see the person, the beautiful young woman, behind the lovely face. The real Tara.
Which was why it was still an endless journey of discovery for both of them.
The face… Tara’s face and oh… the body.
The vampire had liked the body too.
She knew Tara better than the vampire ever had. Ever could… because she could understand what Tara was feeling. She could even sort of feel what Tara was feeling – inside of herself. It was as if they
were connected. And it wasn't
just knowing, it was sharing something other than desire. It was talking and being with each other.
They’d talked and she’d got to know Tara so well that she thought that she knew what Tara should have been, but wasn't now… at least not yet. Willow wasn’t quite sure what it was that Tara wasn't… because she wasn’t yet… which made it tough to see, but there was something that Tara should have been but definitely wasn’t.
She wondered if it might be the ‘fate thing’ though… Tara should have been hers? And she wasn’t?
And just then… she had thought that there was a ‘yet’ connected to that?
‘Yet’ which was going to mean that there would be a time that Tara
would be hers? Was that really what she was thinking and leading up to here?
Well… they weren’t now.
They weren’t everything that they could have been. Not even… well not even some of what they had been. They were so much more than that even now, but they were also just a touch less. In one area. And most of all they weren’t what Tara had suggested that they should have been.
That was too many ‘shoulds’, ‘coulds’ and ‘woulds’ to keep things straight. But… it seemed to Willow that there was a chance.
The nervous, hesitant but determined way that Tara had told her that it didn’t mean anything for them, the fate thing, meant that she knew exactly what it was that they weren’t. Fate… She knew that Tara wanted her to have her own choice about all of this, which was why she’d been so insistent that it meant nothing for
them. But it was only very recently that Tara had looked like letting that choice be the one that she clearly didn’t expect. It was only in the last few days that she’d thought that Tara might have let her say ‘yes’ to that question. Or the four letter word.
Until then it had been like Tara was preparing for a very different fate, a lonely one and because of that she’d been holding Willow at arms length… at least until they had both dreamed in the same night and things had changed.
Why couldn’t she…?
Why couldn’t they…?
She knew then that she had to go to Tara. Into her space. So she did.
--------------------
Willow came into the room and this time she hadn’t knocked. She hadn’t waited at the door and left Tara with the space that she had felt that she needed to have. Willow hadn’t even paused.
Tara had used to sit here, in the window, when her mother had been locked up in that other room. The one that she had put Willow in those first nights – even if she had never locked the door like her Daddy had.
It had been a lie.
All that had been a lie. No wonder it had always seemed wrong to her.
Having Willow there, in the room with her now didn’t seem wrong at all. Besides she liked the bold Willow.
“I’m sorry Tara,” Willow had started. “But you’ve been lonely girl all day and I don’t think that it’s who you should be. Not by yourself anyway.” Willow did pause then, just long enough to smile. “So I thought that I’d come in and be lonely with you.”
Little did Willow know though. This wasn’t about being lonely. It was about… what was it about? So many things that might lead to being lonely.
“It’s kind of dark in here,” Willow continued.
It hadn’t been dark when she’d last sat down and pulled her knees up to her chest. It was just like it had been... when she’d used to be in here before… before all the bad started. Bad? She had found Willow in the bad… A bad Willow that led her to this wonderful woman.
She’d sat in this chair so many times… and the darkness had fallen over her so many times. She liked… “The moon is pretty,” she told Willow as if that answered everything. But whether that was what she wanted to say or not, it was pretty and she got to see it rise most of the year out of this window. Except in mid-summer when it was still too light. She hadn’t watched the moon rise for a long, long time and it wasn’t just a question of wrong-facing windows.
She’d just never stopped to appreciate it. Or anything. And that had made her so tired.
She wasn’t tired now. She was wide awake with Willow there with her. Wide awake to the possibilities of what was going to happen to them as Willow did what she had to.
How long now?
Willow looked towards the window, but she was in the wrong place to see. The glow was there, but Willow had to move to see the pale disk of the full moon. She sat on the edge of the bed nearest Tara and scooted along it until she could obviously see what Tara was talking about. “It really is – all full and bright. It seems like it’s shining just for us. Like a thing that’s well… full, bright and… shiny.”
Tara just had to smile. She liked the Willowisms. She liked
Willow and those were part of Willow alright.
“Did you get a letter?” Willow asked her, gesturing to the pieces of paper, dog-eared by being held in her hands the whole day. And she was still holding them even now.
“Yes,” she started to respond to the question. But the letter wasn’t the point. It was full of nice things, but that wasn't what had led to her sitting in here all day – thinking. The letter had led her to other places and other thoughts. Those were what she needed to be thinking about now. “Willow?”
Willow smiled at her, giving her permission to continue. Tara took a deep breath. “What-what do you want?” Maybe it
was time.
-------------------
This was really a pretty good start. It was nice. Talking. And they
were going to talk. Willow was determined that they were going to talk about whatever it was that was remaining unsaid. She’d missed the being together – the talking - and it hadn’t even been a day… besides there were things that needed saying. From Tara’s question… well she thought that both of them needed to say things that they had been bottling up.
“I never,” she replied, “really – you know – gave it that much though. Much. What do you want?” she countered and was pleased to see Tara’s lips twitch upwards at the neat reversal.
Tara was game to answer too. “I always… I sort of thought about being a t-teacher,” she revealed. “Until I started…”
Willow wondered why she’d never known that before. But then the future – either of their futures wasn’t something that had ever come up that much – aside from the fact that now she had one. It was always that
she had one… She had the chance. It was never Tara’s future. Never Tara’s chance. “You’d be good at it. You’re so very patient, way more patient than me for example,” she told her friend and saw those lovely lips twitch again. “Just for example. And you care. Plus you’re like brainy gal – so I can see you as a teacher.” She really could… she could see Tara in front of a class full of teenagers now and how they would love her.
Besides Tara had killed monsters – a class of children shouldn’t worry her at all.
The look of scepticism came across Tara’s face at the mention of the brainy thing, it only widened with the repetition of the vision that Willow had of her friend.
“Trust me,” Willow reassured her, “I know, knew, teachers. So did you.” She felt that she needed to point that out. Tara had been friends with a teacher.
Despite the fact that it could have been a sad thing to say, pointing out what they had lost, Tara laughed. She held up the paper for a moment, as if she was about to say something. Willow waited, Tara looked at the letter and then held it to her shin again, pressing her knees to her chest with the grip – but perhaps not so tightly now. She seemed to have relaxed a little. Willow decided that she’d better carry on with the talking thing – because she was telling the absolute truth and Tara obviously needed to hear that.
“You went back and you graduated. Most people dealing with just the teeniest bit of what
you were dealing with wouldn’t have been able to do that,” Willow told her. She admired that so much. Okay so she had whizzed through a couple of years of school on the Net in a few months… and she had been ahead of herself back when she had really been at school - but she’d had nothing else in her life.
Nothing but Tara. Tara who had done all that holding done a job that took her out hunting vampires every night and saw her awake for eighteen hours a day.
Making the world safe from monsters.
“I guess,” Tara admitted.
“I know,” Willow told her. “I know you are. I know you can. I know that you should.” She smiled gently and put her hand over ones of those that Tara was using to hold her legs to her chest and as soon as she touched she felt a little of the tension slip from her friend. Tara relaxed at the touch. Her touch. There had been a time that a touch would have resulted in a jump.
Willow liked this way much better.
She moved along the bed, closer to Tara and then moved her hand to Tara’s knee. A little more tension gone. “There’s nothing to stop you following your dreams Tara. Nothing.”
But Tara stiffened.
--------------------
It was… those words about dreams. Surely they were a dismissal.
They were the things that were in the way of each other’s future. Whatever those futures might be. They were… it was them. For Willow to say that, surely she meant that she was going to go… that she wouldn’t be in Tara’s way anymore.
In what she thought was Tara’s way.
Tara knew that she’d failed, in the last few days, to show Willow that she did want her to stay – or have the chance to stay. It had been too late. A few dyas after months of getting her ready to go?
Not enough.
Tara knew she was in Willow’s way. She was the one that was insisting it was dangerous out there. Well she could admit it now… and change that. But first she had to reassure Willow. “I wouldn’t stop you following
your dream,” Tara told her.
Willow squeezed her knee and as the grip hit one of those sensitive spots she almost jumped from the chair. Willow smiled. It must have been deliberate. She liked Willow’s smile. She liked Willow’s touch.
She liked Willow.
“I know that,” Willow said. “See… there is nothing in the way of that Tara… nothing. You know that right?”
So she was nothing now? Yes - she knew that. She just nodded and thought about the letter – that Willow, if she were going to leave, would like to know. Not that she was going to leave right away… but she would like to know. Then she could think about where she should go.
“I-I got a letter from Jenny,” she told the woman whose hand was still on her knee.
Willow smiled, “Miss Calendar?”
Tara knew that Willow had always liked her former teacher – and it had seemed pretty mutual actually. Jenny had always remembered the girl with the long, red, hair and a desire to learn fondly. The real Willow that was. The Willow that was with Tara now. But might pretty soon be closer to Jenny again.
How would the teacher react to that? Or Mr Giles?
Willow being in Sunnydale?
Maybe they could be friends again – even after what that other Willow had done in that town. “Not for long,” she replied to the question. That Willow wasn’t this Willow. That Willow was hardly Willow at all.
“Oh?” Willow paused, “Ohhh. She and Mr Giles are getting married.” Willow concluded. “It is Mr Giles right?”
Tara always smiled at the things that Willow wondered and worried about. Who else would have doubted that it was the school librarian? Okay maybe Faith would have – but for entirely different reasons. She was going to miss Willow’s worries.
She was going to miss Willow.
Lots.
“Wow,” Willow exclaimed and was off in her own thoughts for a moment. Thinking back or thinking forward? Tara wasn't sure.
“And they’re having a baby,” Tara added wondering if… Oh yes, there it was. More Willow thoughts.
“And that’s-”
“Yes its Mr Giles’ too,” Tara reassured her. It was funny. Willow would never have dreamed of suggesting that it wouldn’t be, except when she was surprised by something. Then all sorts of thoughts came into her head and they had to find their way out. Willow wasn’t one for bottling things up when she could let them out.
Suddenly there were the beginnings of tears in Tara’s eyes. Welling up. She wasn't sure whether it was because of the contents of the letter she had been reading and re-reading all day, or because of Willow and the things she was going to miss. Or the fact that she so adored the other woman’s little idiosyncrasies and that she was going to miss them – all of Willow so much.
Maybe both – but definitely the Willow thing.
The next thing she was really aware of was that Willow was holding her hand, gently stroking it. She blinked.
---------------------
She took Tara’s hand in her own. Jenny had to have forgiven Tara for anything that she might have thought she had done. Willow knew it hadn’t been Tara’s fault anyway. It had been the fault of the vampire who’d had Willow’s own face. And she, the vampire, was long gone. Tara… Tara didn’t deserve worry anymore. Jenny had chosen to track her down. She’d chosen to send her the good news.
Like a friend would.
And someone who was holding Tara responsible wouldn’t.
There was the question mark over whether Jenny, and more importantly her fiancé, knew that she’d been brought back – but that wasn’t at the front of her mind right now. Tara was. Tara was almost crying. Tara was worried about something that wasn’t the good news. What else could be in that letter? “They’re following their dreams Tara,” she said. She had to try again. Tara didn’t quite seem to be noticing the anvils that she was dropping for her to pick up. The hints. “She told me once, before class, I don’t think that they’re going to be stopping at one. I could be wrong… she might have changed her mind by now.” Lots of little Mr Giles and Jenny’s.
Probably in tweed diapers.
“No they won’t stop at one,” Tara looked at her. “You’re right… she told me that too and she says she loves being pregnant. It says so.” Tara paused. “Willow, do you remember
before?”
They rarely spoke about the before… it had bad memories for both of them. Tara in this house where her Daddy and brother had died… She had her memories of Xander. Before was long gone and there was so little left of it was easier not to think about it.
But Mr Giles and Jenny, following their dreams – that was another anvil that Tara had missed even though they were going clunk all around her. Big heavy clunks. Tara wasn’t biting though – she wasn't picking up on the fact that there were dreams that could come true. Dreams that could be followed. Tara was still curled up on herself. It was time to make sure that one of those anvils hit home. But not in a painful way obviously. This would be a soft anvil. Maybe inflatable and pink. Still big and noisy though.
Maybe it would be a squeaky anvil.
Direct was the way to the whole sweatiness thing and what if Tara still didn’t get it? But… no Tara was an intelligent woman. If she just kept throwing the metaphor at her then eventually Tara would, surely, get it. “Do you dream of
me Tara?” She had heard Tara say her name in her sleep. There had been the nightmares… but she didn’t mean that and she hoped that Tara knew what she meant. From the look on that tear-dribbled face she thought that maybe Tara was guessing which dreams. “I mean… if you dream… about the real me. Me. Me. This me.”
Tara had said that it had always been her. The real her.
Was that what she was dreaming?
---------------------
Tara nodded and Willow carried on speaking. Tara didn’t want to interrupt her. Dreams were important. She had learned that by now.
“I thought so. I think that, you know, you get to know a person when you’re all snuggley with them,” Willow went on.
Was that what they were? Were they snuggley? They were definitely snugly, but snuggley? She knew in what terms Willow liked to use that word… but she had to admit that, in at least one sense they so very much were. Maybe not in every way that Willow might mean… but she had to admit to one meaning of those in their ‘friendly bed.’
Snuggley. Tara liked that. She liked to think of it like that. She was going to mi-
No. Listen to Willow Tar. Jeez… will you listen to what she’s actually saying for once rather than what you think she’s saying?
Oh right… she was going to take advice from Faith about this.
“It’s safe Willow,” she said. “And you’re better, which is so great, so you can… it’s safe for y-y-you to-” This time it wasn't the Faith within that cut her off it was Willow.
Willow, who just ignored what she had been saying to continue on her own tack. She looked resolved. Yup that was definitely Willow’s resolve face. She’d seen it. She knew what that meant. “I like that you dream of me,” Willow told her. “It’s nice – unless it’s not. Which is less so… is it nice?” The other woman demanded reassurance.
And Tara provided it. “It’s nice.” She had to smile despite what she’d been trying to say. “You dream of frogs a lot… you mention them I mean.”
And you talk so quietly, in such a little voice. I love to whisper back to you then when I can say all sorts of things.“And you make them go away,” Willow told her. “You make all the bad dreams go away – and the frogs - you leave me with just the nice dreams.”
That was good. “I’m glad sweetie, you deserve nice dreams.” Willow, after all that she had been through just deserved nice. Good things.
“So…” Willow said slowly. “I dream of you and it’s nice – with no frogs. You dream of me… What I am saying… what I said…” Willow paused then she rushed out what followed. She had obviously let it build up… and now it surged from her. “You can follow your dreams… all of them. If I can follow mine.” Willow was looking into her eyes and she was squeezing her hand.
Willow had said it so fast that it took a moment to…
Tara’s dreams had led her to the vampire and those had led to Faith getting killed. She had been let down by her dreams. But Willow had always been in them. The dreams owed her.
Or did they?
They had really led her to Willow… ultimately. Always Willow. “I can?” Tara asked wondering if she was getting what Willow was saying or reading something totally bizarre into the words.
“If I can?” Willow answered the question with a question, which was always supposed to be a no-no.
“Can I?” Tara pressed. Worse and worse from the communication etiquette point of view… But she didn’t dare to make a statement by reversing the words.
Willow looked at her. “Do you want to?”
There was no way that she could be wrong was there? It was just the English language… she couldn’t be wrong surely? “I want… to… t-try,” Tara admitted not quite ready to believe that this was really happening. Could she be getting it wrong? “If you do?
“I do,” Willow told her.
When Willow answered her without a question, her heart leapt. Both of them…
“I do… I do,” she said and the tears were gone.
Willow leaned forwards and kissed their hands where they joined. Just once. Just lightly. “I do too – want to do the doing the trying things.” They met eyes again. “With you.”
No one had said the words – but they knew. Tara could feel it. They both knew what they were talking about. Love. She wanted to cry… happy tears… but she couldn’t. It was… it was too good for that. “I was going to tell you that it was safe for you to go,” Tara told the woman who had just promised to let them try to be in love.
It was a promise that she had wanted to hear, in her dreams, for so long. But never dared to ask for… and now it was just being given. Freely give. No gratitude. No guilt. Just given.
“I know,” Willow told her. “Remind me another time… to tell you what I was going to say, if you hadn’t got all my hints. Not now though.”
Tara smiled. She would… “Okay.”
She let her legs fall away from her chest. All the tension that had been in her had melted away as Willow found the exact thing that she wanted… needed. That it seemed that they had both wanted and needed. But now she didn’t know what to do with her hands.
“You want to come out and play cards now?” Willow asked her.
Tara put the letter carefully back in the envelope and laid it on her bedside table. Play cards? That wasn’t quite how the dream had gone. But this was better than the dream… this was perfect. It was real. That… this was it for now. One step at a time for them. Love was a long, slow process… or it could be – even when they were already in its grasp. She got up, but instead of waiting for Willow to come and play cards she moved across and sat beside her on the bed. “I don’t think that we should be in love in our dreams,” she told Willow as their hands reconnected again. “We should have a life… not a dream.”
“We?” Willow asked. “I like that idea.”
“Yeah… we… us.”
“Together. A life in love.”
“It’s a dream that I have,” she told Willow as she knew that her love was leaning towards her only to give her a peck on the cheek. It was almost stolen. They both knew that tonight wasn’t…
that night and neither of them cared too much. They were in love anything else was pretty insignificant.
The kiss was stolen. Hurried.
It was as romantic as anything she could ever have dreamed of.
******************
-------------------------
If I want a little pussy, I got my own to play with.
Chance in
Chance.------------------------
definitely awwwwww! loved it. it's looking good 
), but in the small and daily things.