Thanks guys... guess that is a big yay to the new sig*S*
Paul - Yes I was one of those who laughed and nearly missed the next bit. I think, as you say that this is a good frustration and I will keep you dangling for a few more parts yet.
Katydid - Well yeah, the action after that... okay that will do nicely thankyou. Context is everything*S*
SWeet tension... that sounds promising for them. Especially when the tension will be resolved...
I have a sig that is nearly as good as yours now*S*
VampNo12 - Fate has shown them the the way but they have to go there themselves now. They have to choose to go there. And you can't wait for the next part huh? See below.
Cicca - Oh god more green jumpy things. Brings back thoughts of turbulence*S*
Not quite 20 parts back I think... but maybe 10 now. Close your mouth though - you'll get flies in there.
Thanks guys.
Part 85 below. As the notes say not prepared in the best of atmospheres*S*
Enjoy
Katharyn
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Title: The Sidestep Chronicle – Back to Life (Part 85)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Pretty limited. The story occurs in an alternate universe though reference is made to events that occur in both realities.
Summary: Tara and Willow celebrate the winter holidays.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: 15
Couples: Close. Very close now…
Notes: I write this at 5.50am in a hotel room. Having been up for 23 hours I got around about four hours sleep last night and a few dozes. You will understand then if a few errors creep through this. Just sick of lying there awake! I want to be asleep!
Extra Note: (Well it’s my fic and I think I am allowed an extra note if I want one.) - Suffice it to say that I did not manage to complete the final draft on the occasion mentioned above. In fact you could pretty much say I didn’t manage too much at all*S*
Thanks To: To Kerry for rushing this through before I went away. Her sacrifice gave me something to do in the middle of jet-lag and you all get an update as soon as I get back. Louise for letting me go.
The Sidestep Chronicle
Back to Life
By
Katharyn Rosser
“I’m all full up,” Willow said, sitting back in the dining room chair that dwarfed her. It had originally been Tara’s grandfather’s – a larger than life man in more ways than one. They’d started out at the dining room table but that was way too big for just the two of them. They had become used to eating in the kitchen – never realising quite how big this family size table was because they’d never had to. Up until then it had been a convenient place to spread out curtains for re-hanging. And so they had stopped eating after their melon and swapped things around. They were still sat in the big chairs, rather than on kitchen stools, but at the much smaller kitchen table. The much more intimate table. “Stuffed.”
Tara was definitely very full too, but she couldn’t resist teasing Willow. “There’s the cheese yet sweetie.” Willow’s response was just an over-satisfied groan. It was possible that they’d prepared just a little too much food for the two of them alone. They were going to be eating the cold cuts and sandwiches for the rest of the week anyway. Plus all the little extras. It had been like a feast – she said so to Willow.
“But we have no hounds to throw the bones to,” Willow played along. “And no bones to be throwing. At least not here.”
“No. We used to have dogs, but Daddy got all upset when the last one died so we never got another,” Tara told her thinking back. Bruce had pretty much been a hound – with them for as long as Tara could remember. Seventeen when he died and older than she had been. That was something else that she missed now that she was back – but strangely not when she had left - the sounds of the animals they’d used to have here. Daddy hadn’t been a livestock farmer – but there had been chickens for the eggs and for the occasional roast dinner. There had been the dogs – until Bruce. The horses – which she was absolutely going to get back from her Uncle come spring – and she thought that there might have been, when she was very young, a cow. Maybe that was just a dream though. Jack and the bean stalk had been one of her favourite fairy tales back then. She thought that she might have liked the idea of swapping the cow for some magic beans.
Maybe they had and that was where the cow had gone.
There had never been a cat though – and now she was missing Miss Kitty too. Jenny would be taking care of her, she was sure of that. Whatever she and Mr Giles felt about Tara herself they wouldn’t take that out on Miss Kitty. It wasn't the young cat’s fault.
That was all about the past though, from when she had lived here before. They could remake this place as they wanted to now. It was theirs. Hers. At least she could remake it – when Willow left. In fact, why did she have to wait? Making this a Willow friendly house was good. She wanted Willow to visit her. And often.
But that still got back to the idea that Willow was going to have to go one day. She’d thought it would have been earlier but Willow had wanted to stay for the holidays. Well this was the holidays and what did that leave her?
And see, she’d started out thinking about a feast – and she’d ended up getting all contemplative… and if that continued she would be a sad Tara. Not today. Not now. This was all too good. Back to that good – that was all that mattered today. That was the point of the holidays. The good and Willow. Sort of the same thing really.
It struck her then that there might be a little more to how ‘stuffed’ Willow was acting than just the food. Tara had been long since been promised a performance of the Snoopy Dance and she did intend to collect on that – it was just too good a chance to pass up from Willow ‘Don’t sing, don’t dance’ Rosenberg. They’d tracked ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ down on the TV this morning and Willow had put her off again – until ‘after dinner.’ It was the sort of thing that twenty years of conversations could be built around – there need never be an awkward silence, even when they were visiting each other to talk about their lost teeth and where they had got their blue rinses. Not if Willow performed the Snoopy Dance for her.
Plus it could be very funny indeed so there was no bad.
Not so funny if it made Willow throw up though. Hmm, she might have to hold fire on that whole jiggly thing if Willow was so full. “I guess that you’re too stuffed to do what you said you would?” Tara suggested agreeably offering Willow the way out.
Willow gave her an apologetic smile. “I think I had too much to eat. Can I do the dance later?” It was a hopeful smile too – hopeful that Tara would go for being put off again. She’d wanted the Snoopy Dance since they had first planned spending the holidays together and Willow had told her how Xander had liked to do that.
Tara thought that she might have liked Xander. He sounded funny. Just so long as she could have known Willow too – of course.
Should she let Willow off? “I could rub your tummy if you like?” she suggested only half in jest. Perhaps she’d had half a glass too much wine. That suggestion had slipped out of her mouth without her even considering what she was saying.
Willow looked to be thinking about it though. Seriously thinking about it. Looking at Tara, her hands. Wondering. “I think I might barf if you did that,” Willow told her. “Unless you were very gentle.”
Ohh. Tara would be gentle when she got to lay her hands on Willow… And yes – definitely a touch too much wine. It was the first alcoholic drink she’d had in a long, long time and that last time had been as a cheap form of anaesthetic when someone had been sewing up a wound for her. Good thing then, not so good now.
She forced a laugh.
Well that was that ‘rubbing the tummy’ thing dealt with though… had there been any damage was the question? It was the sort of comment that… should be perfectly alright between friends but there was always the chance of something else being implied. Maybe it had been – but Willow had replied with a jokey implication of her own. Hadn’t she? Was it just some innocent comment about being gentle?
Everything was just so damn confusing if they started down that road. Which was why they had stayed off it. Firmly off it. Apart from a few little slips like that.
“But,” Willow went on, “Maybe another time.” There was that smile and still more implication. Maybe Willow’d had half a glass too much wine as well – that was all it could be – they only had the one bottle between them, but neither of them was used to it. “If I feel this way again,” she added a little more hurriedly.
Tara smiled, Willow had realised what she had said too. As for why she’d said it… another question.
“I can do the dance… later,” the redhead continued.
“Or we can just dance,” Tara said under her breath – not even intending to let the thought out of her mind. “Slowly… so you don’t jiggle,” she went on when it was clear that Willow had heard her.
“Maybe,” her friend replied and winked at her.
Willow had winked at her? She liked that. She liked Willow winkage. It was cute, it was funny and it… oh goddess, she liked the implication. Even if there couldn’t be anything more.
“If you’re not on the computer that is,” Tara said. It was a joke – and it was one founded on safer ground than the whole ‘tummy rubbing’ thing. Willow had, until they had started to prepare the meal, been on the computer pretty much all day. It was as if she had bought it for a child – and it was lovely to see her inspired like that. Gleeful. The world was at Willow’s fingertips. Without leaving the house. And she was already talking about plans… plans for the future. Looking up ways to continue the education that had been cut short with her death. Her first death.
And… Well Willow had been including her in all that – not just sat in a corner by herself, she had been wanting Tara to talk to her, to see, respond, suggest things and play a part.
Willow grinned, “I guess I did get a bit… over the top about the PC,” she admitted. “But it’s so good. I mean I know that it’s probably a little behind the state of the art now, but that’s okay because so am I.”
“It’s okay?” Tara asked her for about the fourth time, sort of impressed by the fact that Willow had clearly shown that she wanted to get back to being a whiz. An academic achiever.
No matter where that took her.
“It’s more than okay dummy, it’s great!” Willow took and squeezed her hand over the table. “I mean, when I last used a PC the hard drive was smaller than the processor on this one. It just shows how far things have come in the last five years. We’ve got some catching up to do.” When she said ‘we’ the grip tightened a little, as if to impress it on Tara.
She squeezed Willow’s hand back – it was five years that was pretty much lost to both of them. And that led her to wonder where they might be in five more years. From what they had already said, maybe they would be spending the holidays in each other’s company? They might be right here, sitting at this table. Maybe there might even be the future holding of hands to look forward to.
From time to time?
Or not…
“It’s a great present… far more than I deserve,” Willow said.
Tara looked at her, wondering whether she was going to have to say anything to admonish Willow for putting herself down – again.
Willow buckled under the look. “Okay then, so it’s exactly what I deserve for being so wonderful.” They both smiled. “But you’ve already given me so much and it’s definitely what I need. I mean I know we still have to be careful and there’s the whole thing about me being legally dead and everything – but having the PC means that I can start doing the whole education thing again. So much is online now – I hear - and I’m… I mean I was… good at it.”
“I thought that’d be what you’d want,” Tara told her, “and you should – you really should. Of all the things that the Mayor made me do, the one thing I have absolutely no regrets about is going back to school. It showed me how much I missed.” It had given her this future that she had now. One away from the monsters. At the time she’d done it for enjoyment as much as anything else – not believing that she even had a future. Perhaps now that she did have that chance then she would appreciate it even more. There would come a time when she needed to get a job. The five year build-up of insurance payouts wasn’t going to last forever. Not that she wanted it to. She wanted a life for more than just Willow. She just had to wait until Willow was okay. Then she could see… but her education was the important thing. One day, if she could save enough, she might even go to college. She’d always wanted to do that and after going to Sunnydale High and finally graduating she believed that she might be able to succeed there.
It was good that she could think beyond Willow. Even if she didn’t really want to – she had to… eventually. There had to be other things and though she didn’t want to face them alone… she did want to face them.
Willow smiled. “Plus you found out who I was when you there. Which had to be good – otherwise I probably wouldn’t be here now.”
There was the unspoken implication of what Willow would, still, have been left hanging in the air.
Tara thought about finding that information out for a second, she remembered how she’d felt – how dejected she’d been, how she had cried at there at the memorial at Sunnydale High, and for hours afterwards, when she had found out that the girl in her dreams was dead. Long dead… it was almost as bad as finding out that Willow had come back again – and as what. But Willow… this Willow had found a new angle on that. If she hadn’t been there at the school then they might never have really met. Outside of their dreams.
And if they hadn’t met properly… if Tara hadn’t been looking for her – or if she had just staked another vampire – one with such lovely red hair – then…
Willow wouldn’t be alive. Not now. That was like the biggest plus that there could be. “There is that.”
“And you’re like totally my role model,” then Willow responded to the questioning look she gave her, “You went back to school – showed that it could be done. You passed and graduated,” Willow told her. “I want to do the same thing, and now – even being officially dead - I can.”
“The way I hear it you were a whiz,” Tara told her. So many subjects that Willow had been at the head of her class for. Maybe there had been a student that could better her results in one, maybe two, of those subjects – but there’d been no one in her classes that could stand up against the overall average. According to the faculty members that she had talked to no one since either. Willow Rosenberg had been, however briefly, the model student. “You know we could try to find a school that would take you Will – a real school. You look young enough to go.”
“I don’t show those years at all,” Willow preened herself and Tara smiled. “But they would all want those pesky records if I said that was transferring. Like you said – I’m legally dead… and I have to stay dead for a while yet… I can’t come back, not until we’re sure that everything is okay,” Willow replied. “Plus it’s actually kind of cool – unlike really being dead which isn’t.”
“Cool?” Tara had to ask.
“I could be the perfect criminal – no one would ever be able to track me down because I no longer exist. I could steal the worlds biggest diamond and get away with it.” Willow paused, looked at Tara. “There would be the whole getting in and out of wherever it was of course, but if I got away I would be like a ghost.”
Tara looked at her.
“Not that I would do that of course,” Willow added.
Tara was amused by that idea. Willow had changed… she, unlike Tara herself, wasn’t seeing just the bad in the things that she had suffered. She was even finding the fun in being dead – even if it wasn’t physically. “I’m not sure I should let you at a computer – you being a criminal mastermind and all. Perhaps if you were just a criminal whiz instead of an actual mastermind?”
“If ever there whiz there was… and it leaves room for improvement,” Willow told her. “Which is always important. It’s so hard to progress onwards from being a mastermind. But, you know, this is something – I mean the education thing - that I really want to do Tara.”
“I know,” Tara answered. And she did… it was something Willow wanted to do and it was something that she could do from right here. Really there was only here that was an option for her right now. Willow could always go back to Sunnydale. She was pretty sure that it was safe enough for either of them to leave here, but there was no way to know what Ira Rosenberg’s reaction was going to be to Willow’s return, And ‘pretty sure’ was not quite sure enough. So if Willow couldn’t go there… then there was nowhere else for her to be.
“It was cool at school – learning was something that was expected by teachers but they never thought that you were actually going to do any of it. I liked lessons though.” She even sounded excited. “And homework was something to look forward to.”
Which Tara liked – Willow being excited. “I think you were just twisted Willow. So you liked to surprise the teachers – you liked to be the best?” she asked.
Willow thought about that. “Yeah I think I did. Although they came to expect that level of performance pretty quickly. That was me… the science geek, the computer nerd, the class-”
“Clown?” Tara joked and had her hand squeezed once more in response.
Willow laughed. “No. Not clown, the brains of the class. It was good to be the best – or to try to be the best.”
“You’re just naturally competitive aren’t you?” Tara asked. She’d never thought that about Willow before.
“I guess maybe I am… academically – cos not liking most of the sports things. Playing them anyway. It’s not,” Willow said, “like I’m going to beat someone over the head if they get a higher grade than me though – and also I competed with myself more than anyone else.”
“I don’t know,” Tara replied, “I hear that you nerds can be a vicious bunch – there were always rumours about the chess club at Sunnydale High when I was visiting there.”
Willow grinned, “Of which I was a founder member, you know after they were allowed to start up again but they just got a little wild - even for me.”
“Perhaps it was the Hellmouth – having a strange effect on Chess Players. There might be a thesis there.” She smiled at Willow. Willow could do a thesis, she was smart enough to get into college right now – give her a little time and a chance and she would be a recognised genius or something.
They sat for a moment, thinking of the reputation of the Chess Club before Willow lifted her hand up a little so that, taking Tara’s with it, she could wrap her other hand around that too. Tara had to say she liked that gesture.
“I mean it Tara, thank you but not just for the computer, you know. I mean for it all… I’m not sure that I ever said it to you, but I should have.”
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“…but I should have,” Willow told her, holding Tara’s hand and seeing the reaction in those blue eyes. She knew Tara never expected her to say ‘thank you’ and that Tara didn’t need her to say it either. But that was what made it so important. Tara was just so selfless and giving that… she never expected anything for herself.
Which might have been why Tara had been so excited about the present she had given her – as poor a present as it had been. It had been all that she could do to get Tara to take it off for dinner – being as they had dressed in what passed for their best clothes. Was that because she loved it, because of who had made it or because she didn’t want to say that she hated it?
Her friend was just so selfless… Willow knew that Tara wouldn’t admit or talk about what she wanted. Instead she just sort of faded when something that reminded her of those desires was mentioned. Just a little. She never let it dominate her, it just hit her and then it was gone and Willow hated that split second every time it happened.
This was the woman who had supported her, fed her, housed her, washed her at the beginning – and god, how embarrassing was that? - clothed her, in some better clothes now, and was always looking out for her. The closer that they got as friends the more obvious it was to Willow how Tara felt about her. She had probably always been aware of it actually – even if Tara was hiding it from herself. Pretty much everything about that whole scenario worried Willow.
She knew how happy Tara was with her there with her in the same house – it was a brighter happiness than anything that Tara had known with the vampire and she remembered. It was a happiness that was untainted by reservations – nearly all reservations anyway. Those that lingered… they seemed to be linked to the future – and most especially to Willow’s future.
By implication – their future and if there was one for them.
She’d tried to reassure Tara about the strength of their friendship… and that seemed to have worked. But she couldn’t reassure her of what Tara wanted at the deepest level of her being. Because Willow didn’t know anything about that herself – what she wanted. So how could she say anything? Do anything more than wonder about it until she did?
What could she say about it? She had never known the thing that Tara seemed to want to give. Love.
She’d loved Xander but not in that way. Even at the end when he had admitted that he loved her it had been the love of a brother and a sister really. Not the love that was romantic, passionate… what Tara seemed to want to give.
The vampire… the vampire had received Tara’s love. Willow remembered being on the receiving end of that… but that wasn't what Tara wanted to give her. It was complicated in her own head… let alone in Tara’s… but the vampire had not loved Tara in return and that was what love was going to mean. It wouldn’t be one way or it wouldn’t be anything at all.
The one way thing… Willow was pretty sure that Tara was doing that already. That wasn't what she really, even if she could never say it to Willow, wanted.
Tara, subconsciously at least, always wanted something else. Not more than that necessarily… just ‘else.’ And she was too wonderful and caring a person to even think about going after that though.
And if she did… Well Willow had no idea how she would react to that. If the ‘else’ was everything that she suspected it to be.
So if she didn’t know and Tara wasn't saying then…. Well neither of them was likely to say anything about it all.
Not unless she gave Tara the chance. It wasn't as if she thought that she wanted what Tara did, or that she thought that she didn’t. But the one thing that Willow did know was that there was no way that she could understand, or know, until it was an issue. Until the matter was raised.
She wasn't going to push it. She was just going to give Tara every chance. Because she was too scared to raise it herself. But it could… well it could try to get up a little.
She rubbed her fingertips in Tara’s palm. “So you know… thank you for it all. For, you know, the chance and my life – which no one ever thought I was going to see again – but you found it for me. You gave it back to me. And only you could do that.”
“Only you would do that.”
Tara was silent and stayed that way.
“It was fate,” Willow continued. “You told me that and I believe it.” As soon as she had said that word – ‘fate’ - she wanted to try and qualify the statement, maybe to babble a little – to say what she had really meant. She knew what the fate really referred to – because Tara had told her that too. That they were supposed to be in love. To be happy. Mentioning ‘fate’ now… she really should have made it clear that she hadn’t meant that. Not exactly anyway.
Not all of it.
But she sort of had anyway.
She believed in their fate – she just wasn’t sure how much it could apply to them now that she was… well ‘she’ and not that other one, the vampire, anymore. Could that still be her fate? Did that fate apply to her? Tara had loved the vampire. The vampire had been as close as she could have been to loving Tara.
Did it apply to her? It wasn't a bad fate was it…? Just maybe not hers. Not exactly. It was all confusing and muddled up.
Tara was silent for another moment, then she lifted one of Willow’s hands and touched her lips to it. Very gently. Very quickly and let it go. There was no lingering at all. Nothing that was hinting at things that shouldn’t be hinted at if things were to stay being for the best.
“Thank you,” Willow said again and she wasn't sure if she was referring to the gift of her life, or the tiny kiss. A tiny kiss that had made her shiver – but only inside. Was it a good shiver, or a bad shiver. One filled with hope… or something else?
She didn’t think that it was a bad shiver at all.
Then Tara let her hand go and left her there at the table. Willow wondered what had caused that. Was it that she hadn’t openly responded or that Tara thought that she’d gone too far? This whole conversation was farther than they had ever really gone – and they still hadn’t addressed the point.
But there was no need to worry, Tara just went out of the room for a moment and then she came back pulling on Willow’s present. The sweater.
“You cold?” Willow asked her, not feeling it herself and wincing as she spotted the flaws in the gift. There had come a point, actually about ten minutes before she’d had to wrap the gift, that she’d had to admit that it wasn't going to perfect. Next time though… the next one would be perfect. The next gift that was… because there was no way that she was knitting again.
Tara smiled, wrapping her arms around herself. “A little… but I like this.”
“I couldn’t get you anything else, you know, so I just had to make that.” She’d found the knitting needles, had plenty of time and a vague idea of how to do the knitting thing. So she’d had a go. Unfortunately the wool was kinda chunky and she wasn't sure of the fit… but at least it was too big and not too small. Though tight sweater Tara? Something inside her didn’t mind the idea that much. “Are you sure you like it?”
“It’s lovely, and it was made by you… which is-”
“Why it’s lovely?” Willow completed for her and taking the opportunity to tease.
Tara smiled. “It’s made by you… for me. That’s lovely.”
“And it was my first attempt – so actually I’m pretty proud of it. I mean sure it is a little… chunky and some of the rows are… wonky… but I think that it’s… It’s bad isn’t it?” Willow asked and Tara shook her head again. “And it’s nothing like a PC.”
“It’s perfect and it’ll be with me for a long time,” Tara said.
Willow wondered if she would be too? “Because of how it will never go out of fashion right?” she suggested. “Because it was never actually in fashion. Which I thought was quite a cunning plan in making sure that it will never date.” She had to wonder about how long she might be here because she knew that Tara would let her go when she thought that she should do. When she thought it was the right time and the right thing to do.
But letting her go wouldn’t be the same thing as sending her away.
“You couldn’t buy something as precious as this,” Tara replied and they were on that unsure footing again.
Willow was wondering and Tara kept coming out with things like tiny, shiver inducing, kisses and words like ‘precious.’ “Again with the ‘because it is not in fashion,’” Willow joked as a way of dealing with that – but also because she wanted to see Tara smile.
Tara brought that smile around the table to her, bent down and for a long moment Willow wondered if the other woman was going to kiss her. She thought that maybe Tara was wondering about that too. But she didn’t do it. Instead she just put a finger on Willow’s chin and turned her head to her. Forcing her to look. “It’s lovely.”
“Okay,” Willow told her, but it was more in their eyes. Tara really did like it and she could see that. Tara would be able to see how much she liked that fact too. Not that she was going to be a big knitter or anything again. She was definitely going to be study gal from now on and that meant… well that meant that she would like to stay here and do that. If Tara would have her.
When Tara did fade, when she was thinking about the future, Willow knew that she might even suggest that she should go – if Tara thought that was for the best. The thing of it was that Willow thought that she knew what was for the best and right now that seemed to be being here, with her best and only friend. At least for right now. Now wasn’t the time to try getting back with her Dad.
She wasn't sure that there ever would be a time when that might be possible to even try.
And besides anything that involved her leaving here would leave Tara all alone – and she didn’t want that. She had wondered, sometimes, about trying to get Tara to go back to Sunnydale with her – when the time came. If that was where she chose to go if that time came. But would Tara even want to be around her – if she couldn’t be what Tara might want her to be?
And Sunnydale…. Willow wasn't sure about Sunnydale. The things that she had done there…
And could Tara ever face Sunnydale again? Where it had all happened and she thought that she had let people die? People that Willow… that other Willow had killed.
Could either of them face Sunnydale?
And what about her Dad?
One day Willow knew that they might have to go back – Sunnydale was like a big, town sized, piece of unfinished business for both of them. They’d both left things behind them that were like dark shadows. The last dark shadows that they’d have to face – she hoped. She could think ‘they’, just to herself, because Willow knew that when she finally went back she wanted her friend with her. She wanted that support – and she wanted to help Tara in the same way if she needed it. Because there were things that Tara would have to face too.
Together they had already proved that they could overcome death. Willow hoped that they could prove that they could overcome the obstacles of life as well. That was what friends did for each other.
But that wasn’t the same thing that she thought Tara really wanted. She couldn’t have pinned down exactly what it was that told her that. It was a glance that lingered. It was the way that, when caught lingering like that, Tara looked away as if she was embarrassed or flustered. It was the way that she spoke when certain topics were broached. It was the way that she reacted to those when she was listening. It was everything about her. It seemed to sing out to Willow. Tara seemed to sing out.
Support was only a part of what Tara, deep down inside, desired. But it was like a start. The support and friendship were something that they shared and now that she was staying, or at least wanted to stay, then she could use that as a starting point for finding out what the rest of it was. The rest of what ‘them’ was.
She wasn’t leaving – not unless Tara asked her to go anyway. It wasn’t for the support, it wasn’t because she thought that she knew that Tara would be heartbroken – whatever the circumstances of her leaving – it was because she didn’t really want to go. Because going meant that each of them would be left with no one. Willow didn’t want either of them to be alone. One way or another they were going to be friends, together, for some time yet. Friends didn’t hurt each other by just leaving – not unless they had to. And Willow couldn’t think of a circumstance that would mean that she had to leave. Not without Tara. If someone came for them then they would run together. They’d even planned it. Tara had insisted on the plans. Willow knew where they would meet if they were separated for any reason. She knew the number of the Sunnydale Credit Card that still appeared to be valid.
Tara had planned it all. And if they should run together then they could live together couldn’t they?
She wasn’t going unless Tara asked... or told her to. Tara might have brought her back to have a chance at life, but at least for now Tara was such a big part of that life that she couldn’t see how else it could be. That seemed to be something about the fate thing. The only problem was Tara wanted a little more than Willow knew that she could give her. She was almost certain that inside Tara really did want that.
Want her.
For Willow it was just… right now she wanted to be friends. Tara was being her friend. But Tara really wanted something else. Other than that. Even if she would never say admit it – let alone suggest it. ‘Other’ in a way that Willow couldn’t remember ever wanting before. Not even as the vampire – though perhaps that Willow had been closest to it. Tara had killed that monster and she had brought Willow back to give her a life.
Just because only the vampire could remember anything like it didn’t make it a bad thing – not at all. Because she knew that whatever she felt now was more human than anything the vampire had been capable of.
She looked into Tara’s eyes again. Saw the affection there again and this time the other woman didn’t get immediately flustered. She looked sort of happy. And… then yeah she did look away. Willow smiled back and then Tara crossed the room and turned on the tape player that they had brought in. “That’s not,” Willow observed, “the traditional Snoopy Dance music.”
“It’s ambience,” Tara replied, moving slightly to the music already – just a little though. Less than a sway but definitely more than a quiver.
Willow remembered so many feelings – affection that she still felt for Tara. She remembered more than that – lust and desire – which she could honestly say that she didn’t – now... Well… But when Tara had held her hand – kissed it… She might… if she let her mind wander, let loose the tight controls she had placed on it – would she feel that then? Could she love Tara – as the other woman wanted her to do? A part of Willow wanted to be able to do for her but that would have been the wrong reason. That would have been gratitude or something.
Within her – there was a definite ‘glimmering’ or something. Something that refused to be extinguished by fear of hurting Tara, fear of being wrong. By fear of just doing something just to give something back to Tara. There was something in her that was… just for Tara. She just didn’t quite know what it was at the moment because she couldn’t let it grow yet. A seed was just a seed until it grew.
And she couldn’t let it grow unless she was willing to accept whatever it might be.
To give a sign to Tara, and be wrong, was worse for her friend than nothing at all. Dashed hopes were never pretty. Staying needn’t be a sign. Staying didn’t have to be an indication to Tara that what she wanted could really be. Tara would know that because she didn’t think that Tara was able to believe that what she wanted was possible. Staying… just gave Willow her shot at life. Her chance. Which was what Tara had said that she had always wanted.
And it gave her the opportunity to decide if there was anything more within her.
If there ever could be.
It wasn’t that she was afraid of what she might feel for Tara – it was more that she was afraid of what would happen if she didn’t feel that.
Tara’s feelings had to come first, because Tara had always put her first. They were friends. Not lovers. At least… now.
And so, when Tara held her hand out to her, she took it as a friend and not as a lover. The same way as she moved up to her, closer than they would ever usually have been. But still as a friend. Close friends.
“So,” Tara said as they started to move together, “you want to be the knowledge girl again?”
It was a nice neutral question and one that Tara already knew the answer to. But still… “I want to do what you gave me the chance to do Tara. I want to have a life, have that chance – the future that you talked about.”
And looking straight into Tara’s eyes this time, Willow noticed, she didn’t fade away at all. She didn’t get flustered. She was just there, letting her eyes speak for her. Perhaps it was their proximity. Perhaps it was the dance. Perhaps it was some mystical property of her holiday gift, baggy and flawed as it was.
Perhaps Tara was just too happy to be sad.
She liked Tara happy. It was a good place for them both to be. And she felt the love radiating from Tara. That would probably be a very good place to be too. It might be her place. She put her hand on Tara’s shoulder and they swayed to the music. There was no space for them to get more energetic and she didn’t think that either of them would want to even if they could.
Willow remembered the stake slipping into her body. The shock, the betrayal and even the tinge of pride in the Kitty as her body, for the second time, was eaten away from the inside out. She had even felt Tara’s flesh pass through hers. Consciousness had faded long after her brain had been dust. Even at the end the vampire had felt for Tara and she had known that Tara had been doing it because she loved her. The vampire, even then at the very end, had taken a perverse pleasure in that. That Tara would be denied her by her own love.
Before there had been nothingness once again.
And it was that memory that brought it home to her how Tara must be feelings at moments like these. Why she often felt that she had to look away – or avoid the words and actions that might have been more natural. When they were so close like this… Tara still couldn’t have her Willow. She couldn’t doubt the love that filled Tara – love enough even to kill what had passed for Willow back then. To sacrifice like that. Selfless, perfect love. Perfect apart from the fact that it was not reciprocated in the vampire… As for the ‘new’ her, Willow wasn't sure. At least not yet.
She loved Tara as a friend but what they so very much weren’t talking about was a love that was ‘eternal’ in a way totally unlike the vampire.
It was ‘always’ in the way that Tara had said that she wanted.
Willow wanted to be what Tara wanted her to be – but she couldn’t just flick a switch and be that person. Love… Tara’s love would give her a place. It would be comfy and it would have shown her exactly who she was. Where she was. That other Willow had always known who and what she was. Where she was. But now that she was back – human and alive – able to feel, she didn’t really know those things. Not yet. She couldn’t let ‘just’ an attachment to Tara determine her place in the world. The question then was whether she could find her place by staying here. Could she do that?
If a place, a person, was going to help do that for her then Willow knew that she had to belong there, and to that person. They had to belong to her too. Tara might be her answer, but the answer still had to be worked out.
She wasn’t sure that she belonged with Tara. Not like that. Not yet. But on the other hand she had no idea where else and to who else she could belong. Tara seemed a far more likely answer than any other.
These were the big questions – the ones that Tara should have been able to help her with. But how could she even think of asking Tara that? What if her answer to the blue eyes woman was ultimately ‘no’?
And what if Tara never asked her? Tara loved her inside – she knew that. She was almost certain of it. But then Tara had been hurt so badly by the other Willow she had also loved. She had been forced to kill her in the end to give her the chance to come back and make this decision. What if Tara never wanted to risk that sort of hurt again?
Willow was grateful for her life, grateful for her chance, but had Tara known how she would feel when she came back? Had Tara known that the guilt, the crushing guilt, would be there? And that she would remember how she had taunted Tara, hurt her, played with her and enjoyed her. Had Tara known that remembering all of that might taint whatever might be in their future?
The vampire had probably been as close to loving the Kitty as any vampire could be to love – Willow still didn’t think that was really possible – but the vampire wasn’t her. The monster was gone – but was the, almost, lover? Was the lover dead too? And if it wasn’t would she be willing to trust the vampire’s judgement?
No. But she could make her own judgement. In time.
Maybe a new love could come into being when she had decided? Or the capability for it? There was that glimmering of course… there was always that. One day she might have a look inside the box that held it so securely and stopped it growing. One day. She had outgrown the box that she had been returned in. Maybe the glimmering would outgrow that box too.
She so wanted to give something back to Tara – more than just a sweater – but it couldn’t ever be gratitude that drove her. That glimmering had to be the real thing for her even to take the chance – and right now it was still just that – a glimmering. A seed. Maybe… maybe it was time to start to look at it though. To open the box a little and see what was in there.
In her life… in what was to come… Willow couldn’t imagine being with anyone else – even after what she had done to Tara, or rather what the monster had done. Some of that had been ‘nice.’ Most of it hadn’t though. She couldn’t really know what Tara wanted now – unless she asked and that way lay sweaty silences and awkward palms. Or something like that anyway.
If she asked… even if Tara told her something good – then she knew that she might still recoil again and she wasn’t about to hurt Tara. Not again. Not ever again. She didn’t even know what ‘good’ would be.
The only way that she would hurt Tara again would be if it turned out that she had to leave – and that would be the lesser pain of the two. She promised herself that - and she promised it to Tara too. Even if she did it silently without telling her.
How could Tara be so happy for her and yet so sad? It was because Tara Maclay was a wonderful, beautiful person.
Not so much of a person in Willow’s mind and more of a woman.
Right now she couldn’t be what Tara needed. What she had, almost, been before. She thought that Tara wanted to offer her devotion, longing, desire and such a deep, deep love. It was sort of overwhelming. Scary…
But it was also sort of appealing.
Willow just had to know, to be sure, her answer, whatever it was, was for the right reasons. Then she could let Tara make the offer. If she wanted to.
And then she could, perhaps, say ‘yes.’
Maybe… maybe she could even ask Tara? Not now though…
But then Tara could, perhaps, say ‘yes’ instead. That didn’t seem so bad.
For now though she was still figuring out how she felt about herself. Let alone Tara. But there was always the glimmering inside her. The seed that seemed ready to grow.
It was the glimmering that had accepted so readily when Tara asked her to dance. It was the glimmering that led her to hug Tara now and it was the glimmering that sort of enjoyed the closeness, the feel of Tara against her. And it was something to do with the glimmering which enjoyed Tara’s body moving with hers.
“Later,” Tara said as they started to dance again.
“Later what?” Willow asked.
Tara grinned. “Later for the snoopy dance. You know I sort of expect it to be bouncy?”
“It might be, it really might be.”
Tara was all the support that Willow had right now. Bouncy indeed.
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If I want a little pussy, I got my own to play with.
Chance in Chance.
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) is making the situation confusing (ie is it the drinking that is affecting what is being said/implied, or is it something more underneath the surface/hope of a future).
at: 9/27/02 2:56:15 am
And Tight-Sweater-Tara. You've done quite well with these sartorial images... Yum!