by Alcy » Mon Dec 14, 2009 1:51 am
ceridwen: Yep, happy moments really soon! Not quite in the next chapter...but I think you'll be able to see that we are getting closer!
[center]~Chapter 15~
Like hues and harmonies of evening[/center]
The sun was low in the sky, still sending out warm rays that fell across Willow’s face. She sat in the back seat of a taxi, watching nothing in particular as she stared out the window. It was a Saturday night, she was on her way to the annual Lesbian Ball, and yet she didn’t feel half as excited as she ought to feel. Still, at least she was heading into town. It had taken her the past two weeks to recover from her embarrassing encounter with Tara at the book signing. Two weeks she had spent hiding in her apartment. Two weeks where she had only emerged to go to the gym or pick up groceries.
Something tickled just behind her ear and she squirmed, instinctively ducking her chin to her chest in an effort to make a smaller target. She turned to Xander sitting on the seat next to her and poked him in the ribs with a grin.
“Sorry, just had to make sure you hadn’t fallen asleep on me,” he said. “We’re almost there.”
“Feels like we just hopped in the taxi,” Willow smoothed her palms over her pants.
“Well, we did just hop in the taxi. It would have only taken us twenty minutes to walk from your house,” Xander pointed out.
“Would you want to walk for twenty minutes in those heels?” Willow asked. She nodded towards the five-inch heels that Xander had squeezed his feet into.
“You are both intelligent and beautiful, Will,” Xander agreed.
The taxi drew up outside their destination. Xander paid while Willow hoped out onto the sidewalk and surveyed her outfit. She wore an exceptionally expensive suit she had bought from the best bespoke tailor in town. Every part of the black three-piece outfit fitted her perfectly, even the black tie. She straightened it in her reflection even though it was already straight. Her shoes were shiny and black, she had a neat purple handkerchief in her breast pocket and her hair was slicked back into a tight bun at the nape of her neck.
“You are perfect, Will,” Xander stepped out of the taxi and caught her looking at herself.
Willow turned. “So are you.”
Xander attempted a curtsey on his heels but wobbled slightly. He wore a somewhat less flattering outfit - knee length blue dress with thin shoulder straps. He wore a bobbed wig and Willow had done his make up. His legs were shaved smooth and as he pirouetted, Willow had to admit that he had very nice calves.
Willow extended her arm and he took it with a grateful smile. Arm in arm, they strode confidently inside. The ball was on the twelfth floor so they headed for the lift. Heading in the opposite direction were other party-goers who had succumbed to nicotine cravings and were heading outside for a cigarette.
“I am so proud of you for coming tonight, sweetie,” Xander said as they stepped inside. “You have taken your first step towards moving on from she-who-must-not-be-named.”
Willow looked up at him. “You know, I can hear her name without feeling like I’m going to burst into tears.”
“Well, you couldn’t a few days ago…and I’m not taking any chances. You’ll damage your chances of scoring if you’re all blotchy faced and red-eyed.”
“Okay, I may be emotionally scarred, but scoring won’t be a problem,” Willow admitted. “I’m still just as hot as I ever was. The problem is I don’t want to just score…I want to wake up with someone tomorrow morning and not want to see how fast I can get them out of my apartment.”
The lift let out a small ding, announcing their floor. Just before the doors opened, Willow felt every shred of confidence she had been building up melt away in an instant. She tightened her hold on Xander’s arm, grateful for his solid presence. The doors swept open, they stepped out of the lift and into a sea of women.
While Xander did make a rather fetching Drag Queen, it was blatantly obvious that he was a guy in drag. Ignoring the rather pointed and disapproving glares thrown in Xander’s direction, the pair strode into the venue. Willow fought the urge to tug her bow tie and lost. She reached up to loosen it away from her skin where it was itching like crazy. Combined with the itching, she felt a curious sensation flood through her body which she soon realised was nerves. After a quick scan of the room she confirmed the source of those nerves. She saw at least half a dozen women she had slept with and many more that had been brief trysts in one of the dark corners of Imerst. With a firm grip on Xander’s arm, she steered him to the side of the room.
“This was a bad idea!” she hissed in his ear. “Very bad indeed!”
Xander turned to regard her serenely from beneath his fake eyelashes. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Willow Rosenberg? This is your bread and butter, Will! Your hunting ground! A few months ago you would have walked in here, head held high and left swooning women in your wake - shark in a sea full of fish!”
Willow knew Xander had a point. However, when she stared at the crowd of women that filled the hall, it was she who was the tiny fish in a sea of sharks. She felt Xander’s hand on her shoulder and he spun her around to face him instead of the room full of shark-like lesbians. It gave her the strength to at least keep from running out of the room.
“Willow, you are fucking gorgeous, sexy as hell and most of these women would crawl over broken glass just to sweat in your shadow,” Xander said firmly. “Repeat after me, ‘I am fucking gorgeous and sexy as hell.’”
“Xan, don’t be ridiculous…” Willow began to protest.
“Don’t hold out on the determined gay man!”
“Okay…I am fucking gorgeous and sexy as hell. Satisfied?”
“Immensely,” Xander confirmed, his pleased tone indicating just how satisfied he was. “Drink?”
Fifteen minutes later, armed with impressively large cocktails, Willow and Xander selected a prime vantage point which offered a perfect view of the room. They naturally engaged in one of Xander’s favourite pastimes, criticising people’s outfits.
“You know I should mention more often that the lesbians in this city have excellent dress sense.”
“This is Wellington, Xan, not Eketahuna,” Willow helpfully pointed out. “Although I have never once heard you mention ‘lesbians’ and ‘excellent dress sense in the same sentence.”
Xander shrugged, nonplussed, and took a long sip of his fruity cocktail. “Obviously I need to pay more attention. Oh my good lord, look at Becky Carr’s biceps; I swear they’re bigger than mine. Girl must be putting some serious hours in at the gym…although I wouldn’t know because she goes to City Fitness instead of Bodyworks - traitor.”
“I’m glad she doesn’t go to Bodyworks,” Willow subconsciously flexed her bicep. Even though she couldn’t see the muscle, she knew it wasn’t anywhere near the size of the woman whom they were looking at. “I’d spent all my time comparing.”
“You wouldn’t want your biceps to be that big, Will. On Becky it’s kinda hot, you’d just look freaky.”
Willow responded with a slight giggle. “You know, it is hot…really hot.”
“Well, go over there and talk to her then!” Xander urged.
“Can’t,” Willow shook her head. “We may have had a little dalliance when her biceps were a little less defined.”
Xander frowned. “May have?”
“Yeah, I can’t quite remember what happened, but the next night at Imerst she was following me around like we were dating or something. So I must have at least snogged her, although knowing me, it wouldn’t have stopped at a snog. Suffice to say, I was rather unkind when I told her that there was nothing going on between us.”
“Okaaaay,” Xander said with a low whistle. He continued to scan the room to find the next likely candidate.
“Oooh, Sarah Schute?”
“Bathroom at Imerst,” Willow replied nonchalantly.
“Megan Page?”
“Alleyway behind Imerst.”
Xander hummed for a bit. “Hmm, Eleanor…the blonde over there who’s last name I can’t remember?”
“Broom cupboard at Imerst.”
“Eleanor’s best friend…what’s her name…”
Willow looked appropriately sheepish. “Her name is Brooke…and no, broom cupboard at Imerst…at the same time as Eleanor.”
“Will!” Xander finally grew exasperated with the redhead’s replies. “You’re going to have to go crawling back to at least one of these women and convince her that you’ve changed…you can’t just rule out all of them because you’ve slept with them at one stage or another!”
“Oh my god!” a voice from just over Willow’s shoulder interrupted Xander before he could berate Willow further. They both turned to see a tall, curvaceous woman with a dark bob, not unlike a much better looking version of Xander’s wig. “Megan said you were here but I wouldn’t believe her until I saw you for myself.”
“Lucy, hi,” Willow said warmly. She immediately recognised the other woman from the local scene. However for the life of her she couldn’t remember Lucy’s last name. She had spoken to her perhaps half a dozen times, never for any length of time and usually as part of a group.
“We haven’t seen you at Imerst for ages…or anywhere for that matter,” Lucy declared. “Is it rude of me to say things have been a lot less exciting without you around?”
Willow smiled at the genuinely sincere tone in Lucy’s voice. “It’s not rude at all. To tell the truth, I’ve been taking a break from all of that…maybe a permanent break.”
“Imerst is definitely overrated,” Lucy agreed. “And the opportunity for proper conversation is sadly lacking.”
“I know, I was just thinking that I don’t even know your last name,” Willow admitted. “I’m terribly sorry…”
Lucy waved off her apology. “No worries. It’s Cook. I just hope you don’t forget it next time we meet.”
“I most definitely won’t,” Willow replied with a grin.
“Well, isn’t this nice!” Xander interjected. “Why don’t you two go and shake your booties on the dance floor?”
“Xander, the DJ hasn’t started yet. It’s just ambient music,” Willow pointed out.
“Might I see you out on the dance floor when the DJ actually starts playing?” Lucy asked in a shy, hopeful voice.
Willow took a sip of her drink and nodded. “Yeah, most definitely.”
“Great. No excuse me while I go and put a stop to all those rumours about you not being around lately because you were in Los Angeles starring in music videos.” Lucy brushed her lightly on the back of her hand and flashed her a quick grin.
Willow watched her walk away, hips swaying gently as she walked. She unconsciously licked her lips. When Lucy disappeared into the crowd, she had to drain the rest of her cocktail to quench her sudden thirst.
“Do you think the DJ will start playing if I go over and ask her?” Willow asked Xander.
She looked in the direction of the turntables but they were disappointingly vacant. Tapping her toes impatiently, she scanned the room in search of the missing DJ. However, it wasn’t the DJ her roving eyes found, but rather a certain blonde standing near the front of the room.
“Fuck me, Xander,” Willow whispered.
“In a heartbeat, Will,” Xander replied with a grin. “But you’re forgetting I’m as gay as you are. I’ve never had taco and you’ve never had sausage. It just isn’t meant to be.”
“Xander!” Willow growled as she grabbed him by the elbow and dragged him several steps backwards. “Stop being a complete moron and look over there behind you, a few metres to the right of the speakers.”
Xander tried to be discreet but he was hopelessly inept. He turned fully and stared in the direction Willow had mentioned. He narrowed his eyes and moved side to side, searching for a familiar sight before he finally realised that he was looking at Willow’s Achilles heel - one other than Tara Maclay herself. Willow had to grab him and spin him around before he embarrassed her altogether.
“What a fortuitous turn of events!” Xander remarked brightly, sipping his cocktail noisily. “You can bump n’ grind with hot Lucy on the dance floor in front of the blonde and prove you’re over her…once and for all!”
“Yeah, great idea, Xander,” Willow replied in a less than excited tone.
~~~~~~
As Tara polished off the last few sips of her cocktail with relish, she had to admit to herself that the night was turning out to be reasonably pleasant. It had been Grace’s idea of course. Neither of them knew many local lesbians, Tara because her circle had been extremely limited while she was with Audrey and Grace because she was still relatively new in town.
The night was pleasant, until Tara caught sight of a familiar face in the crowd. Although he wore make-up, a wig and a dress, Tara immediately recognised Willow’s best friend, Xander. She would have laughed at his audacity in turning up for a women-only event if she hadn’t known that where Xander was, Willow wouldn’t be far away. Sure enough, she craned her head slightly
Tara looked away, feeling a mixture of guilt and excitement coursing through her veins. Seeing Willow again, as always, was a pleasurable experience in itself. She risked another glance and watched as Willow engaged in an animated conversation with her friend. Wearing a dashing three-piece suit, the redhead looked as stunning as ever. Tara found herself wanting to cross the room so she could grab her by the adorable little bow tie she wore and pull her into a kiss.
Her guilt however, made her turn away moments later. She had intended to call Willow after the awkward situation at her book signing. Claire’s comments had obviously embarrassed her. Her own accusations had been nothing short of unfounded. Willow had deserved an apology. Yet she had not been able to bring herself to call. She had gone as far as picking up her cell phone and finding Willow’s number. However her finger had remained hovering over the ‘talk’ button for several minutes. Eventually, she realised that she was never going to be able to bring herself to do it.
Tara sighed and looked back towards Willow. She thought for a moment that the redhead had seen her, but if she had, her head turned much too quickly and she resumed talking with Xander. Willow tilted back her head and laughed at some comment from her friend. Tara couldn’t hear her from across the room but she imagined that the sound was delightful. If only it had been in response to a comment she had made. Willow leaned across and touched Xander’s arm. She felt the hairs on her own arm tingle in response. Subconsciously, she brushed her fingers against her skin.
“You’re in love with her aren’t you?” Grace commented quietly.
Tara didn’t hear her girlfriend. She was so wrapped up in her examination of Willow from afar. Someone else, a young woman Tara didn’t know, joined Willow and Xander and began talking to them. She was pretty, without a doubt. The resulting rush of anger to her head surprised Tara. It didn’t take her long to realise that she was jealous of the girl’s ability to talk freely with Willow. Although Tara could physically cross the room and talk to Willow, she was mentally incapable of taking a single step. The embarrassment she had caused Willow and the fact that she had not called to apologise, made it next to impossible.
“Tara,” Grace spoke louder this time, almost directly into Tara’s ear.
“Huh?” Tara finally and reluctantly dragged her gaze away from Willow as she realised Grace was talking to her.
“Can you stop looking at the redhead for two seconds?” Grace asked firmly.
“I w-wasn’t…” Tara began.
Grace interrupted her by taking her elbow gently. “I asked you whether you were in love with her, but I think I already answered the question for myself.”
Tara shook her head stubbornly. “I already told you…there’s nothing…I am not in love with Willow Rosenberg.”
“So you said,” Grace replied with a slight sigh. “But since you laid eyes on her, you’ve hardly been able to look anywhere else. There was this little smile on your face.”
Tara touched her lips. She hadn’t been smiling – had she?
Grace turned away for a moment and drew in a breath. When she faced Tara once again, there were unshed tears shining in her eyes. Tara’s heart sank like a stone with the realisation that she was directly responsible for that pain. All the while she had been trying to convince herself that she loved Grace, Grace had been falling deeper and deeper in love with her. The unfairness of what she had done, hit her like a ton of bricks. She felt corresponding tears in her own eyes.
“G-Grace…”
“Don’t.” Grace silenced her with a gentle shake of her head. She discreetly wiped her eyes. “Tara, sweetie, I never told you how much I loved you…because a part of me knew that when I said it, you wouldn’t be able to say it in return. As long as I didn’t say it, then I didn’t have to put you in that position. I could continue to fool myself.
“We should go home and talk about this,” Tara said quietly, aware of the public nature of what should have been a very private discussion.
Grace shook her head again. “There’s nothing to talk about, Tara. I’m going to go home and cry for a bit…and in a week or two, I’ll be able to hold my head up again. Meanwhile you are going to go and talk to that redhead with whom supposedly nothing happened.”
“I’m so sorry for lying,” Tara whispered, feeling her cheeks colour with shame.
“I have to say that I’m crushed that you lied to me.” Grace sniffed loudly. “But I can’t bring myself to be angry at you. Just promise me you’ll stop lying to yourself.”
Tara managed a weak nod and allowed Grace to gently enfold her into a warm embrace. She hugged the brunette tightly, wondering how it was humanly possible for one person to be so uncommonly good and understanding. It was a painful way to live life. That fact was made evident by the manner in which Grace’s shoulders shook with silent tears. Tara squeezed tightly, Grace returned the squeeze for several moments and then suddenly disengaged from the hug altogether. Without a further word, she placed a light kiss on Tara’s cheek and walked quickly away.
Grace kept her head down as she walked out and didn’t even notice that the redhead and her friend had already left. Standing alone, Tara did notice. She spent several increasingly depressing minutes looking for Willow and Xander before admitting that the redhead had left as well. Hardly feeling like staying and enjoying the ball, Tara too made her exit.
~~~~~~
Willow watched with a heart-wrenching pang as Tara and Grace embraced. The brunette folded her body against Tara’s in the manner in which she wished she could. She could only stare for a second before she felt the warning signs, a slight burning of the eyes, her breath caught in her throat. She turned and buried her face in Xander’s chest before the tears fell.
“Xan, please take me home now,” she whispered.
Xander didn’t need to be asked twice. Wordlessly, he swept her out of the venue and held her upright until they made it out of the building and into a waiting cab. He gave the taxi driver Willow’s address and settled back into the seat, letting the redhead burrow into his side. Although he expected a storm of tears, she remained silent. Her emotionless face stared straight ahead, seeing nothing.
The tears were held at bay until Willow stepped over the threshold of her apartment. At which point she hiccuped loudly and began to sob.
“Hey, hey, Will,” Xander grabbed her by the shoulders as she stumbled. With a slightly grunt of effort, he swept her off her feet and up into his arms. “Let’s get you into bed.”
He carried her into her room and set her gently down on the corner of her bed. While she continued to cry, he handed her a box of tissues that he found on her bedside table and set about untying her shoes.
“This…is…ridiculous,” Willow said between hiccups. She held her breath for a moment and was able to continue. “I can’t even be in the same room as her without turning into a blubbering idiot. When did I become so pathetic?”
“The moment you fell in love with her,” Xander explained patiently as he tossed one shoe over his shoulder and started on the second.
Willow stared down at him with a tired expression on her tear-streaked face, just watching him as he tugged the remaining shoe from her foot. She couldn’t even be bothered arguing with him, even though her silence could have been interpreted as acquiescence. Wearily, she shrugged her shoulders out of her jacket and started on the buttons of her waistcoat. She managed one before the tears began falling down her cheeks, obscuring her vision. Before her shaking fingers could undo the second button, Xander batted them aside and did it himself. He pulled the waistcoat from her shoulders. The bow tie followed and then her shirt until she was wearing just a satin chemise.
Rather than suffer the indignity of Xander removing her trousers, Willow flopped onto her back and lifted her butt in the air so she could wriggle herself out of them.
“Try not to get too excited,” she commented as she crawled across the bed in her underwear. She fumbled for the covers and burrowed beneath them like a little mole.
“The sight of your firm little arse would be enough to send any lesbian into a sapphic frenzy,” Xander said wryly as he kicked his high heels off and hopped on the bed next to her. “Thankfully I’m not a lesbian.”
“Lesbians suck,” Willow whispered, starting off another fresh bout of tears.
“What are you going to do now?” Xander asked softly, handing her yet another tissue.
Willow sniffed in a most unladylike fashion and shook her head. “Don’t worry about me.”
“I’m your best friend, worrying about you is my job.
Willow snuggled against Xander’s side. “You’re worried that this is one push too many and come tomorrow, I’m going to be straight back to my old self, drunk and surrounded by half-naked women at Imerst. Does that about sum it up?”
Xander shrugged and placed his arm around Willow’s shoulders, hugging her tightly. “Well, I was going to say drunk, high and straddling a completely naked woman…but close enough.”
“Tempting,” Willow almost broke into a smile. “Especially the naked woman part….but no. I may have become a blubbering idiot but I’m not going back to being an alcoholic slapper.”
He let out a small sigh. “You were never an alcoholic slapper, Will.”
“You’re too nice, Xan,” Willow yawned, all her crying had sapped her energy. “I fit the very definition of an alcoholic slapper. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was in my job description.”
“So…what are you going to do, Will?” Xander repeated.
“I’m going to grow up,” Willow replied in a sleepy voice. “And I’m going to tell myself that just because Tara doesn’t want me, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t another gorgeous young woman who will make me extremely happy somewhere out there.”
Xander nodded in agreement. “Someone even more gorgeous than Tara.”
“Hey, I said gorgeous…not gorgeouser,” Willow pointed out. “No one is as gorgeous as Tara.”
“Will?” Xander asked quietly.
“Yeah?” Willow tried to stifle a yawn and failed. She burrowed into the warmth of Xander’s side and closed her eyes.
“What do grown ups do?”
“I dunno,” Willow mumbled. “But I guess I’ll find out.”
Willow has indeed spoiled sex for Tara, at least with anyone but her.
Because denial is just first of many steps to acceptance.
