Title: Season 7
Author: snippygal
Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/
Italics - Kitten-vision - R Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Wheedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die.
Spoilers: Joss Wheedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.
Notes: So I did the tragedy thing. Now it’s time for comedy. At least, I think this is comedy. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced such a thing. It’s a spoof on Season 6 and all the ridiculous things that happened. Not a lot of Willow/Tara goodness, but thought we could use a good hearty laugh. Or at least a tiny chuckle? It’s written in a very simple fashion -- Eye asspyre two bee a Bufffy righter sumeday.
*Additional notes: This is going to be a complete Season 7 (depending, of course, on the response and my commitment -- I have what my ex likes to call “a problem with commitment”, whatever that means.)
I’ll be playing around with reality quite a bit. The italics will be what is happening around the actual scene. You’re gonna have to suspend your disbelief quite a bit.
“BUFFY” Episode 7.6 - “Surprises”
LAST TIME:
“In my dream, Willow, you were evil. And you had a stunt person who looked like Jodie Foster.”
“I’m not evil!”
“I know, but you were in the dream. And there’s been way too much deja vu going on lately. I’m gonna find Joss tomorrow and we’re going to get to the bottom of this.”
“Oh, Buffy - you didn’t hear?”
“Hear what?”
“Marti’s kind of in charge now.”
Alarm spreads all over Buffy’s face.
“Oh God no. No.”AND NOW:
Friday’s Buffy Staff Meeting:
The room is noisy as everyone talks at once.
“-- Yes! Yes! Back when Connery was Bond and movies were decent!”
“Nobody remembers Connery, Fury! Now Roger Moore - he was smooth.”
“You’re insane, Petrie. You’re short and your insane!”
“I liked Timothy Dalton!”
Everyone shoots DeKnight evil glares, forcing him to slink down into his chair.
“You know, I never really got the whole Bond thing.”
“Well, Rebecca,” Fury says, “that’s why you only get one episode per season.”
The door suddenly opens with trumpeted fanfare. Joss Whedon is carried in on a throne by four lackeys. He wears a T-shirt under a toga. A wreath of olive branches and berries sits on his head.
They set him down at the head of the table. Everyone quiets and awaits instructions.
“Okay, everyone, how are your ‘Firefly’, ‘Ripper’ and ‘Buffy: Animated’ scripts coming along?”
The writers all at once let out random calls of enthusiasm.
“Oh great!”
“Real good!”
“Wicked cool!”
Wheedon sneers at DeKnight.
“What the hell are YOU doing here? Shouldn’t you be over at Angel?”
“I just wanted to let everyone in on what I’m doing with Cordelia.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah! Ya know how we were gonna kill her off half-way through the season? Well, I thought, what if we go ahead and get her together with Angel first. BUT - here’s the kicker - when they actually DO get together, Cordelia finds out he’s really a woman! So they’ll have crazy lesbian sex and then he’ll -- he he -- I mean SHE’LL go all evil and kill Cordelia! All of this, in time for February sweeps!”
Joss stands up quickly, startling his staff writers.
“DeKnight, that’s brilliant! How would you like to be the new Executive Producer on Angel? We’re having a hell of a time getting anyone to take the job.”
The young “writer” simply smiles to himself as if he’s been given a brand new lollipop.
“Okay everyone,” Joss announces. “Good meeting! Happy writing!”
“Uh, Joss?” Jane slowly raises her hand.
“Call me ‘Sir’, Goddammit!”
“Sorry, SIR. But um, what about ‘Buffy’?”
“Huh?”
“You know - Buffy? The show that we all write for. That you started? The show formerly known as ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’?”
“What about it?”
“Well, don’t we need to go over story ideas?”
“What for?”
“Well, SIR, it’s just that, ever since the move to PAX, I’m afraid --”
“Hey. Shh.”
Joss crosses to Jane and puts his hands on her shoulders in a manner that otherwise would be soothing, but coming from him it’s kinda creepy.
“Jane,” he says quietly, wearing his ‘sensitive face’. “Hey. Remember when we were eight and we snuck out of the house to go see E.T. and when we rode our bikes home that night, we were scared. But --”
“Um, Sir?” Jane interrupts. “That wasn’t me.”
“No?”
“No. Actually, I think that’s a speech from a ‘Saved By the Bell’ episode.”
“Is it?”
“Yep. Pretty sure.”
“Oh. Well, in that case, if you’ll excuse me, I have some rewrites to do.”
With that, Joss and his harem exit the room. The writers sit and look at each other, blank-faced and confused. All at once, they turn their attention to Marti, who sits, staring into space.
“Uh, Marti?”
“Hey! Marti!”
“What do we do?”
As if in a robotic trance:
“Joss is right. Trust in Joss. Joss is God. He’s my master.”------------------------------------------------
That night at the school dance, Giles stands around a punch bowl, generally chaperoning. Dawn walks up to him and curtsies.
“Why, good evening, Mr. Giles. I’m so pleased you could attend tonight.”
“Thank you, Dawn. You look lovely tonight. Where did you get such an obviously expensive dress that everyone knows you couldn’t possibly afford?”
“Oh. This is Janice’s. She’s letting me borrow it.”
“How wonderful,” Giles responds, forgetting that Janice is poor white trash.
Dawn curtsies again. “I must mingle with my peers now. I will be back later, Mr. Giles, if you promise to save me a dance.”
“Oh, Dawn,” Giles chuckles. “You don’t want to dance with an old man such as myself.”
“True!” Dawn says with a laugh and sashays to the other end of the gymnasium. Just as she leaves, Xander sidles up to Giles.
“So, Mr. Giles! Just look at us. Side by side. Two grown men looking after children. Looking all fancy in our tuxedos. Don’t I look good?”
A closer look reveals the fit of Xander’s tuxedo. His neck topples out over the tight collar, his tie is crooked, the buttons are about to pop because he forgot to wear his man-bra and his belly flops over his cummerbund. Yes. He sure is dashing.
Xander feels a tap on his shoulder and turns to see:
“Cordelia!”
“Hello, Xander. So good to see you again!”
“And you, dear friend! And you!” Xander exclaims, pulling his ex into a friendly hug.
“Hello, Mr. Giles.”
“Cordelia,” he says cordially. “What brings you to our sleepy town?”
“Just visiting,” she shrugs and smiles.
------------------------------------------------
“Oh, Rory, you stupid git! Dean’s boring as hell! Choose Jesse!”
Spike sits in his favorite chair in his crypt, watching television. He’s interrupted by Buffy, who bursts in. Spike ignores her entrance. Buffy glances at the TV.
“ ‘Gilmore Girls’?”
Spike shrugs. “Nothin’ else on. So what do you want, Slayer?”
“I need to talk to you about -- Will? Tara?”
This is the first time she notices her friends sitting to the side, watching TV.
“What are you guys doing here?”
“Gilmore Girls,” Willow states, without taking her eyes from the set.
Tara looks up at Buffy. “Willow’s got a thing for Lauren Graham.”
“Get in line, Red!” Spike pipes up.
“Well, I’m glad you’re here. I have to tell you something.”
Three pairs of eyes stay glued to the TV.
“Um. Guys? Real life here?”
“We’re listening,” Willow mumbles, not at all listening.
A commercial comes on and the attention is back on Buffy.
“So, what’s the huff, Buff?”
Tara turns and smiles at her lover. She whispers to her:
“You’re so cute when you’re rhyming.”
“Well, then, you should see me when I do Dr. Seuss!”
“Dr. Seuss - trying to turn me on?”
“I don’t need to try. I mean, have you seen my abs?”
“Sweetie, you already played that card.”
“Oh.”
“Besides, there are other, much pinker parts of you that I like and --”
“Okay, you guys!” Buffy interrupts. “I can totally hear you and eww!”
“Eww?” Willow asks. “What’s ‘eww’? You had sex with RILEY!”
“Good point. Okay. Well, I have some big news. I was on-line today, and --”
“Buffy! Good for you! Surfing the net. Learning to become technologically independent --”
“Easy there, Will. It’s really not so hard. I don’t get why everyone thinks you’re some big genius. I even figured out how to spam my dad and I’m borderline retarded.”
“Okay, Buffy. Whatever you say,” Willow patronizes, then turns to Tara. “They say it’s best just to play along when she gets on her ‘I’m better than you’ kick.”
Tara nods in understanding.
“So, you gonna spill the news anytime soon, Slayer? Show’ll be back on soon.”
“Oh, right. So, I’m on-line and I found this web site - ‘www.ggg.com.”
“What do the g’s stand for?” Tara asks.
“It’s ‘Going Gay ‘Gain.”
“ ‘Going Gaghan’? Like Stephen Gaghan?”
“No, not ‘Gaghan’. ‘Gay ‘Gain’. Like ‘again’ with an apostrophe. Anyway, it’s a web site started by a group of obsessive lesbian fans who want you two together again on the show.”
“Aw,” Willow smiles. “That’s so nice!”
“But not a very clever title,” Tara chimes in.
“Well, I think they spent a little less time on the name and a little more time on posting pictures of you two in -- um -- compromising positions.” Buffy shudders a little, then continues. “Anyway, the thing is, they’re running a contest to raise money and gain publicity.”
“What’s the contest?” Willow asks.
“It’s a ‘Win a Threesome with Willow and Tara’ contest.”
“Oh.” Willow and Tara both state in unison, both internally a little curious.End of Episode 6
------------------------------------------------
- "Pain makes you interesting. Look at Elvis."
- "Didn't Elvis kill himself?"
- "Yes, but before that he was very interesting."
....someone give that woman a clue....
and this has sure cheered me up! 
Damn that was funny I couldn't stop laughin through the whole thing!! Sooo can't wait 4 ur next update!! 
at: 8/29/02 2:24:30 am