Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof

[Loco2]

HAH!



excellent!



hmm - i can't think of a witty reply, or even a reply at all....



but i read, i loved, i laughed. i thank you

"I'm not gay - I'm just Trevor's bitch." - some drunken guy about his sexuality
"Oh, bugger off, you BROLLY!" - Anya to Giles on his use of the english language
"We'll all be a lot happier without the constant whining....Mom, Buffy, Tara, Waah" - DMW to Dawn

[snippygal]

Loco2 - "Excellent" "I loved" "I laughed" ... it all works for me! Now I thank you!



---------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[MissQuirky]

This just gets better and funnier! W/T fucked themselves into bunnies! That is friggin hilarious!! Can't wait 4 more!

Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know... insane.
Tara: I said quirky.

[AutumnT]

Quote:

---

“Yeah,” Tara’s voice says. “We, um, we kind of -- fucked ourselves into bunnies.”

---

LOL. I think that might be worth it. ;

Autumn

-----------

Buffy Season 6: It grated, like something forced in where it doesn't belong.

[tommo]

Ah this was great. Love the explanation of how SMG's stock is plummeting since she hooked up with FPJ. Excellent.



And god, he doesn't have to worry about anything or think about anything because he's pretty.



I love this. This is hilarious. Thank you so much.

----------
"The only thing going for me -
were those moments - just
moments - when Tara would look at
me and I was wonderful."

[snippygal]

MissQuirky & AutumnT - Glad you liked the bunny thing. Honestly, as I was writing it, I was shaking my head at myself thinking that this whole thing is getting ridiculous. But then I remembered - oh yeah, that's the point.



tommo - It's the only damn explanation I can come up with, ya know? Happy you're enjoying.



Snipp

------------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[snippygal]

Title: Season 7

Author: snippygal

Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/ Italics - Kitten-vision - R

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Wheedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die.

Spoilers: Joss Wheedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.

Notes: So I did the tragedy thing. Now it’s time for comedy. At least, I think this is comedy. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced such a thing. It’s a spoof on Season 6 and all the ridiculous things that happened. Not a lot of Willow/Tara goodness, but thought we could use a good hearty laugh. Or at least a tiny chuckle? It’s written in a very simple fashion -- Eye asspyre two bee a Bufffy righter sumeday.



*Additional notes: This is going to be a complete Season 7 (depending, of course, on the response and my commitment -- I have what my ex likes to call “a problem with commitment”, whatever that means.)

I’ll be playing around with reality quite a bit. The italics will be what is happening around the actual scene. You’re gonna have to suspend your disbelief quite a bit.





“BUFFY” Episode 7.9 - “Bunnies & Beans”



(*Added Disclaimer: This is actually the title of a wonderfully fun Easter song a friend wrote. There are no beans in this episode; lima, jelly, or otherwise, so don’t look for them. Not that people go looking for beans. I just don’t want you to get to the end of the episode and think “Hey - where are the beans? She promised me beans and now I am unfulfilled.” So - no beans. Just lots of bunnies to make up for the lack of beans.*)



LAST TIME:



“Buffy,” Willow’s voice says again. “We’re bunnies!”



“Huh?” Buffy looks down at the bunnies on the bed, who are both looking up at her.



“Yeah,” Tara’s voice says. “We, um, we kind of -- fucked ourselves into bunnies.”





AND NOW:



Buffy walks through the halls of Sunnydale High carrying a large cage. Inside sit a rat and two snuggling bunnies. Off to the side she notices her little sister in the middle of what looks to be some type of business transaction. A squinty-eyed skater boy hands her a roll of dollar bills and she discretely slips him a small plastic bag. They part ways.



“Dawn!” Buffy yells and runs up to her, careful not to jar the cage in her hands too much.



“Hey Buffy. You working here today?” she asks as she quickly pockets the cash.



“Why aren’t you in class? And why are you hanging out with skater punks?”



“I had to go to the bathroom.” She holds up a hall pass. “And don’t be so judgmental. Xander had a skateboard when you first met him.”



“That was just a prop to take the attention off his bad hair. Now, don’t change the subject. What were you doing with that guy?”



“He forgot his -- um -- his herbs for home ec. class. He asked me to buy some for him. Geez, get a hobby and stay out of my business.”



Dawn notices the cage for the first time. “What’s with the animals? Did you join 4-H or something?”



“That’s Amy. And Willow and Tara.”



Dawn’s expression borders on curious and skeptical.



“Seriously! Will, Tara - say something.”



The bunnies peer up at Dawn and twitch their noses. Dawn smirks a little as she raises her eyebrows at her sister.



“Have you ever thought about getting your head checked, Buffy? I mean, you’ve landed on it several times --”



“I’m not crazy! Willow! Tell her!”



Buffy sets the cage on the floor, gets down on all fours and yells through the small bars.



“Come on, guys! Talk!”



Dawn giggles, flips her hair and walks away. “My sister is such a flake,” she says to no one as she continues down the hall.



Buffy groans, stands up and takes the cage back into her arms. As she nears the library she hears muffled laughter coming from the cage. She doesn’t even look down.



“You guys suck,” she growls at her furry friends. This makes Bunny Willow and Bunny Tara laugh even louder.



Buffy enters the library to find Giles talking to a very scraped up Xander. His face is scratchy and stitched and his arm is in a sling. Buffy places the cage on the desk and rushes to them, sure that she can help.



“What happened?”



“Last night, after Riley and them left, I was driving home,” Xander begins. “And I saw a bus load of nuns broken down on the side of the road. So I picked them up. I mean, I am the Xan-Man with the mini-van, ya know?” He tried to say this with the largest amount of cool possible, but doesn't quite pull it off. No one could pull that off. “Anyway, we were having a good time. The Reverend Mother had a guitar and Sister Abigail led us all in a round of ‘Kum Bah Yah’. Have you ever done ‘Kum Bah Yah’ in a round? It’s really fun. Anyway, around the time of ‘someone’s crying, Lord', we were all really getting into it and I was passing a bottle around and driving a little too fast and --- long story short, we wrecked.”



“Xander! You gave alcohol to a bunch of nuns?!”



“Yeah. But -- that’s not all.”



“What else?”



“They didn’t make it.”



“What do you mean, they didn’t make it?”



Xander stares down at his feet shuffling along the floor. “They didn’t survive the crash.”



“Xander!” Buffy swats his shoulder. “You drove drunk and reckless and killed a bus load of nuns?!”



He shrugs. “Well, I didn’t know what was gonna happen! I thought there’d just be songs and prayers. And maybe a Hail Mary or two.”



“Giles, what do you think about all this?”



Giles scratches the back of his neck and sighs. “Well, at least no one was hurt.”



Buffy’s jaw drops to the floor. Literally. Slayer-joints. She’s like a snake.



“Hiile! Hah ha hou hay ha --”



“What?” Giles asks.



“Huh?” Xander echoes.



“What’d she say?” Bunny Willow whispers to Bunny Tara from inside the cage. If bunnies can shrug, Bunny Tara shrugs.



Buffy resets her jaw. “I said - Giles! How can you say that? Nuns are dead! We’re talking women of God! Dead!”



Giles pushes the air with his hand. “Oh, Buffy, they’re only day players.”



“Well,” Buffy claps her hands together. “Now that that’s settled, we have a bigger issue to deal with.”



She walks over to the cage with Xander and Giles in tow.



“What’s with the fur balls?”



“Yes, Buffy, this is a school, not a zoo. Why did you bring those filthy rodents in here?”



“Hey!” Bunny Willow exclaims. “We’re cleaner than you are!”



Giles and Xander leap back, holding each other.



“Did that -- was that -- huh?” Xander babbles pointing at the bunnies.



Buffy rolls her eyes. “Oh my God! Six years on a Hellmouth and you two are shocked by a couple of talking bunnies?”



“Evil bunnies,” Giles whispers with a shock.



“Anya was right all along!” Xander gasps.



“They’re not evil! They’re Willow and Tara!”



Giles looks into the cage. “A spell?”



“Not exactly,” Bunny Tara shyly replies.



“Dear Lord,” Giles says, disappearing behind the desk and bringing up a large book. “I’ve read about this sort of thing.” He flips through the book. “Ah! Here it is -- conveniently in this book! How wonderful!” He looks up at everyone with a proud, dopey smile on his face. “It says that without actually casting a spell, it is possible to transform oneself into a bunny when ---” He stops suddenly. Of come the glasses. “Oh.”



Xander looks around, confused. “What? What’s going on?”



“Willow and Tara had too much sex,” Buffy states bluntly.



“Oh!” Xander’s eyes widen, as does his smile. But soon his brow creases. “I thought that caused blindness.”



“No, that’s just when you have only one -- bunny,” Buffy reminds him.



“Oh yeah. I remember one time in Jr. High when I couldn’t see for a whole month and -- um -- never mind.”



Giles clears his throat. “Right. So, there must be some sort of reversal spell. It looks like we’re in for countless hours of research.”



---------------------------------------



Meanwhile, in L.A. ---



Joss sits alone in his small white room. His roommate has since been placed in the High Risk Observation wing after some of the doctors caught a sneak preview of “Girls Club”. Crouched in the corner, the “auteur” scribbles on a piece of paper. He mumbles words to himself while he writes. A doctor and another man enter the room.



“He hasn’t had many visitors. It’s a good thing that you came,” the doctor tells the man.



“Do you think I can help?”



“We can only hope. Good luck,” says the doctor as he leaves the man in the room.



He walks towards Joss, his heavy shoes clunking on the linoleum. When he leans down to be at eye-level with the crazy, his leather pants make a loud screech. Joss looks up with wide eyes.



“Angel!”



“Hey there, Joss,” Angel wickedly smiles. “Whatcha writin’?”



---------------------------------------



Many hours of research later ---



Xander and Buffy sit at the cluttered table, tiredly flipping through books. The cage sits between them. Buffy lifts her head from the pages and rubs her eyes.



“This is crazy. We’re never gonna -- hey! Come you two! Stop it!”



Xander looks up from his own book to catch an eyeful of Bunnylove. His mouth turns up in a sick, twisted kind of smile. Buffy notices his gawking.



“Xander!”



“What? It’s still two chicks!”



“They’re bunnies! And one of them is your best friend! And they’re bunnies!!”



“Lesbian bunnies,” he says more to himself in wonderment.



Giles comes out of his office to inspect the commotion.



“Giles! Xander’s watching Bunny Willow and Bunny Tara have sex!”



“Yes. I do believe you disturb me more and more everyday.”



Giles approaches the cage, sans glasses. A small, polite cough escapes his throat. “Can’t you two -- control yourselves? That’s what put you there in the first place.”



The two bunnies stop and look up at him. Bunny Willow scoots close to the bars, with Bunny Tara following closely. Very closely, sniffing her behind.



“That’s just it, Giles. We can’t control ourselves! It’s like we have no will of our own now that we’re bunnies!”



“We need to move them,” Buffy concludes, suddenly very interested in the architecture of the ceiling.



“Yes,” Giles agrees. “We’ll put them in my office.”



Giles transports the cage, then joins the others at the table to continue researching, which is interrupted by Anya, who abruptly enters the library and stops in front of them. He hands rest on her hips and she loudly taps her foot.



“Ahn?” Xander asks, a little afraid.



“Xander! I haven’t seen you for days! I need to have sex!”



Xander blushes and sinks into his chair. “Um, why don’t you wait in the office. I’ll be in there in just a sec.”



Anya lets out a huff, races into the office and slams the door.



“Bloody hell,” Giles says. “You’ve turned my office into some sort of bathhouse.”



Xander looks up. “What are you talking abou --”



Suddenly, the loudest, most horrid scream echoes throughout the library, threatening to break every window.



“Looks like she found Willow and Tara,” Buffy says.





END of 7.9



---------------------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[mollyig]

" . . . Xander had a skateboard when you first met him."



"That was just a prop to take the attention off his bad hair."



I think I'm going to be singing Anya's "Bunnies" song all day!



Thanks for this.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[TheWhiz]

, great update thanks!



Xander & the nuns

“Well, I didn’t know what was gonna happen! I thought there’d just be songs and prayers. And maybe a Hail Mary or two.”



Can't believe this is episode 9 already, I hope you are enjoying writing it as much as I am reading it! Heres to episode 10!!

"I am a whiz...If ever a whiz there was"


"Make your own kind of music"-Mama Cass

Edited by: TheWhiz at: 9/10/02 9:31:51 am

[Tulipp]

Okay, I just have one question. Um, where are the beans? I was expecting beans.



I LOVED this part. Well, I love all the parts, but here, going all the way back to episode 1 ever for Xander's skatebord was brilliant. And I love Bunny Willow and Bunny Tara having Lesbian Bunny Love in the bathouse of Giles' office.



Would you believe that it took me until the line about maybe Anya being right about bunnies all along to remember that Anya hates bunnies? I'm such a dork.



And you, my friend, are a genius. Hilarious.

[darkmagicwillow]

This fic is disturbingly funny! I love Dawn's cameos with her constant explanation of Janice and I loved the ending with Anya and the bunnies. I'd completely forgotten about bunny phobia by that time too.

--
"Omnia mutantur, nihil interit. "   "Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."

[snippygal]

mollyig - “Bunnies! Bunnies! It must be BUNIIIIIIIIES!” (In case you just got the song out of your head.)



TheWhiz - I’m not enjoying it. Does it seem like I am? Because I’m not. But as long as you’re happy ...

And don’t miss next season’s spin off - “Xander & the Nuns”.



Tulipp - Crap! The beans! I knew I forgot something! I kept forgetting about Anya and the bunnies, too. Amazing how everything just comes together. What’s that called when everything intersects?



Hope her sudden entrance wasn’t too forced. Okay, so I know it was. But I don’t care. It’s my story and I’ll do what I damn well please. And Yes. You are a dork. And I’m a genius. *Nods with wide eyes* **Shakes head with a smirk**



darkmagicwillow - I’m happy to hear I’m not the only one that finds this disturbing. I’m appalled at my behavior. I do not condone the enjoyment of watching animals have sex. I swear. Bad bad. Dirty. Everything’s dirty. It’s dirty.



Glad you’re all enjoying. Or, at least you few. You guys fuel me. You keep me going everyday. And well, okay, I’ll say it --- I love you.



Snipp



-------------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[moominmamma]

I am delurking to tell you that this update was disturbingly titillating. I always wanted a bunny ...

[The Big I T]

snipp:



And I love you. Or at least I would if I could just stop laughing long enough to, well, er, love you right back.



And BunnyTara shrugging her Bunny Shoulders, if bunnies could do that sort of thing? It's all the little "extras" in this fic that are cracking me up...and you keep piling them up and I'm practically dying over here. In a good and funny kind of way. But hey...no typos/subtext that I noticed first time through this chapter. What's up with that?!

[Urn of Osiris]

Sorry I missed a few and just caught up. LOL frikken hilarious!

Quote:

---

A loud alarm bell interrupts their conversation. A car screeches around the corner past them. A little bit of cash flies out the window. Dawn waves her hand out to them as she speeds by.



“I was just making a withdrawal!” she yells out. “For Janice!”

---

God every bit of Dawn is causing serious abdominal cramping. I wasn't ready for that one. And the bunnies in the hall in the cage. . Seriously you need projectile warnings in the updates.



And I wanted to do more quotes but I realized I was highlighting just about everything. Ahhhhhhh this is fantastic. Thanks for the laugh.

Urn of Osiris
_________________**
WILLOW: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.

BUFFY: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that
"you can not have more fan fic, you have a fan fic problem"

[ruby]

Snippygal,



I just read the whole series in one sitting, and I'm sore from laughing so hard. No, seriously. I think my *face* even hurts from smiling. Great stuff. Willow/Alyson's abs, limes and powdered sugar, tiny waste, bunnies sniffing one another, vampy Big Gulps, bathroom sex...what's not to love?

PS. Tulipp-- Riley?! You're just sick.

Smashed. Wrecked. Gone.

[MissQuirky]

I've had a really bad day but this made it all cheerier!! Very funny update! Bunny Tara and Willow can't control themselves, could they really when they were human?



I liked how Anya found em at the end! Well ya really couldn't have them as bunnies w/o Anya having a freak out mode bout em! And poor Giles w/ his office all messy!



Oh yea, liked the drunken nuns accident thingy w/ Xander! Poor nuns! Still very funny!!



~Ashley~

Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know... insane.
Tara: I said quirky.

[tommo]

I wish I was a bunny. I'm aready fluffy in certain parts and have a prediliction for carrots.



Anyhoo...loved the bit about Giles saying this would mean countless hours of research. Cuz what's a Scooby meeting without research eh?



Excellent.

----------
"Squish. Squish. Squish."

[Tulipp]

Okay, so Ruth, sorry, didn't you get THIS memo? Bunny Willow and Bunny Tara don't really like...carrots...that much. I mean, not that I would speak for Snippy. Um.



Oh, and Snippy, you're talking about serendipity, right?



Edited (again) to say hey Ruby, what's with the capital of Idaho? RILEY is from IOWA. See, and I almost got through a whole post here without mentioning that burning hunk of dreamboat lovin'.

Edited by: Tulipp at: 9/10/02 3:31:07 pm

[ruby]

It's just one of the many lines from the story that made coffee come out my nose. (I mean...'cause I was drinking it and I laughed. Coffee didn't just spontaneously appear.) It's one of Buffy's examples of how 'violence is always the answer.'



Oh, and Tulipp--Riley and Buffy must have blinded one another with their supernaturally white teeth. Do those come with the other superpowers? Or do they just grow 'em that way in IOWA?



[Edited because I'm a spaz.]

Smashed. Wrecked. Gone.

Edited by: ruby at: 9/10/02 3:52:41 pm

[areslei]

ok now. I already couldn't look at bunnies the same way as I had before Anya's little costume and song...now with W/T...oh boy....

you two are the two who are the two...
Baby, I said it's all in our hands, got to learn to respect what we don't understand...'Fugitive' Indigo Girls

[snippygal]

moominmamma - Heh heh heh - you said “tit”.



The Big I T - Eye think ewe four you’re kinde werds. Butt seriusly, pleeze, stopp laffing andd luv mee bak.



Urn of Osiris - I have big BIG things planned for Dawn coming up. And unlike the writers who post on the Bronze, I’m actually serious about that. I was going to post a consumption warning, but I think I reached my disclaimer/notes limit. They’re getting to be longer than the actual episodes. But I will take it under advisement in the future.



ruby - Okay, once and for all, the “waste” was a typo! As I was typing this out I was ... drinking heavily ... while ... having wild monkey sex ... with ... Angelina Jolie. Yeah, that’s the ticket. It’s not part of the fic! Don’t make me go back up there and edit it out. That will just ruin the fun for any new reader -- fun at my expense. But thanks for joining me in the war against Tulipp. Isn’t she just demented? I mean, I may write about Bunny Love, but Riley??



MissQuirky - Glad I could cheery up your day. I was thinking about for the next episode having Anya being so freaked out that she kills one of them and the other one goes on a crazy bunny vengeance rampage. Oh wait ... that’s been done ...



tommo - And here I thought you already were a bunny, what with all that smut you write, I just assumed you had all this experience. Well, now I have a completely different image of you in my head. Just goes to show -- just when you think you know someone.



Tulipp - You can speak for me any day -- as long as you make me sound as classy as Terra Firma. Which I believe is in desperate need of an update. So go to your own little story and stop corrupting mine with mentions of a certain soldier boy.



Oh -- and it’s the Bermuda Triangle in my little pessimistic, Nora Ephron-obsessed world.



areslei - Just wait until Willow and Tara both turn into Anya! See, they’ll both ... be ... Anya ... Balls. That probably won’t work, will it?



Snipp

-------------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[tommo]

Heh. Ah yes, if my life was as exciting as the fic I write, then I wouldn't have so much time to spend on the board, would I? And my typing fingers would be very sore indeed...

Quote:

---

that burning hunk of dreamboat lovin'.

---

You need help, Juli. Professional help.



I have no feelings about Riley either way. Ahem.

----------
"Squish. Squish. Squish."

[Tulipp]

Snippy: Classy, my chassis. What could be more classy than naked public lesbian bunny love?



Okay, I'm dying to answer my own question. You know how I want to answer. You know who I want to say. You KNOW who. But I'm not going to say it. Not me.



Edited because pronouns mean different things and are not, in fact, interchangeable.

Edited by: Tulipp at: 9/11/02 9:11:34 am

[snippygal]

Okay, that's it. I'm seriously going to get you some help.



------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[supermus]

Being the dork I am, I had to go back and look up "What's the capital of Idaho? VIOLENCE!" Don't you hate when you're looking something up starting on the last page, and you go through every page, and it's on the second or first page? I do. Well, Buffy said, "What's the square root of 276? It's violence!" Willow started to answer, but got cut off. How the frilly heck does Willow have the square root of 276 memorized? In case you didn't check first, the square root of 276 is 16.61324773(and that's my calculator approximating.) Who is she? Matilda?



Skip therapy. Just tie Tulipp to a chair and play the last ten seconds or so of Entropy until she's all un-straightened out. Maybe throw in some harder-core stuff for good measure. After that's done, install a chip in her head so that every time she types or says Riley, Reilly, or anything that sounds like Riley, she gets a "slight" shock. If it worked in the South Park movie, it'll work in real life.

--------

You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you'll catch the most flies with a big load of crap.

[ruby]

Good plan. But will this include 'Rally'? Could be dangerous.

Smashed. Wrecked. Gone.

[Tulipp]

Y'all don't scare me.



Okay, this is a content-based post, not just some gratuitous way to get someone's name in here. I loved when Bunny Willow and Bunny Tara pretended not talk in the hall. Very funny. Like everything else in this story, very funny.



Oh, and Snippy, I thought I would lose my Vixen to you. Because I trust you...I trust you.

"She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. A-and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs."--Dawn

Edited by: Tulipp at: 9/11/02 5:55:59 pm

[snippygal]

You trust me? Aww .. I'm touched ... in all the right places. Gosh, losing the Big V is a huge deal. We should throw a party or something. And hey, thanks for telling me I'm funny. But you might want to lay off. I mean, I might start to think that I really am funny and then I'll start writing half-assed comedy. We wouldn't want that.



And speaking of Tara (What? Where did that come from?) I'd posted this on the general chat thread because I had no idea where else to put it and it hasn't had any replies. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else watched Tuesday night's second run of "Villains"? Amber's name was in the opening credits (not the opening credit sequence). But she wasn't in them in the first run. Does anyone else find that odd? Or am I just making myself crazy with all these conspiracy theories? Seriously. I think I've gone mad. Someone, please tell me what the hell is going on.



Snipp



--------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

[kbk3022]

Hey, I was reminded by Tulipp that I haven't read your next episode yet. So I just read it and I have to say it was hilarious. I love this part here:

Quote:

---

“Xander!” Buffy swats his shoulder. “You drove drunk and reckless and killed a bus load of nuns?!” He shrugs. “Well, I didn’t know what was gonna happen! I thought there’d just be songs and prayers. And maybe a Hail Mary or two.”

---

That's funny. And then Buffy bustin (burstin?) out laughing. I love how you make fun of the show, and all the Dawn saying everything is Janice's gets me to laugh every time.



Kasey

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should come around here on Halloween,
you'd really see something then...
we all jump off the roof and fly."